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Marendar: Review Topic


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22 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Jun 08 2014 - 08:26 PM

I've decided to start publishing this story I've been writing. It's a direct continuation of the official Bionicle storyline, and is intended to wrap up the many minor plotlines that were bouncing around when the story ended, while also being a complete story in of itself. It doesn't explain what happened in the official story, though, so if you haven't read it you might be lost at first. But don't worry, in this topic I'll explain what's already happened so it isn't too confusing.
All comments and criticisms are welcome, especially any errors you might find.

Prologue http://www.bzpower.c...magna/?p=687699

Background info: Long ago, according to legend, a female Skrall was given vastly heightened psychic powers (which they all have to some degree) by Angonce. Recently, Tuma told the Sisters of the Skrall where Angonce was, and they set off to find him. But on the way, they ran into Anonna, who turned them all into puppets in her underground lair. Anonna is gone now, so the Sisters have no idea where they are, nor do they remember meeting Anonna.

"Marendar" is the Agori word for salvation.

Edited by Akavakaku, Jun 08 2014 - 08:30 PM.

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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#2 Offline Ahktu

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Posted Jun 09 2014 - 02:35 PM

Good, but it doesn't seem Marendar. Marendar was described as a living weapon capable of smashing through six feet of solid metal.


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#3 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Jun 09 2014 - 05:44 PM

I'm glad that's your reaction, because I wanted the being's last line to surprise you. He isn't the Marendar we've expected. Don't worry, the story will get to explaining it.


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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#4 Offline Zorkaz

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Posted Jun 10 2014 - 03:07 AM

I like it! It was a good idea to include the Skrall sisters in it. Is Marendar only an incarnation of the real thing in this part? Anyway, good job. I'm currently writing a continuation too, but Marendar hasn't been mentionned yet. Hope to see more of this!


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                                                                                            Matoro is dead. (Lol)


#5 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Jun 10 2014 - 11:32 PM

Sorry, can't explain what the role of Marendar so far is yet! But thanks!

 

Edit: Sorry, planned on having the update by Monday. But it's here now! http://www.bzpower.c...magna/?p=690917 And now, the background info for this chapter, where we find out what the Toa Nuva have been up to!

 

Onua, Tahu and Gali remained around New Atero after defeating Makuta's army.

 

Pohatu and Kopaka left to find Karzahni, and discovered that he'd been killed with Lesovikk's sword. Then they reached Tren Krom just as something made him explode. He sent a picture of the Red Star into their minds as his last action. Then they found Gaardus, who brought them to the Red Star, where they encountered small beings called Kestora and were saved from many crawling things by Mavrah.

 

Lewa was teleported into outer space with a bunch of others by Teridax, then taken into the cursed Great Being's fortress by Vezon. He left and was captured by a group of Bota Magna Agori.


Edited by Akavakaku, Jun 18 2014 - 12:12 AM.

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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#6 Offline Ahktu

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Posted Jun 18 2014 - 09:39 AM

COOLISHNESS!!! Man the new chapter's cool. I like the way you described the Adaptive Armor, and Lewa's show was kinda funny at the end.


Edited by Ahktu, Jun 18 2014 - 09:39 AM.

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#7 Offline Calvirick

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Posted Jun 18 2014 - 10:09 AM

Sorry, can't explain what the role of Marendar so far is yet! But thanks!

 

Edit: Sorry, planned on having the update by Monday. But it's here now! http://www.bzpower.c...magna/?p=690917 And now, the background info for this chapter, where we find out what the Toa Nuva have been up to!

 

Onua, Tahu and Gali remained around New Atero after defeating Makuta's army.

 

Pohatu and Kopaka left to find Karzahni, and discovered that he'd been killed with Lesovikk's sword. Then they reached Tren Krom just as something made him explode. He sent a picture of the Red Star into their minds as his last action. Then they found Gaardus, who brought them to the Red Star, where they encountered small beings called Kestora and were saved from many crawling things by Mavrah.

 

Lewa was teleported into outer space with a bunch of others by Teridax, then taken into the cursed Great Being's fortress by Vezon. He left and was captured by a group of Bota Magna Agori.

 

OOOHHH! Now that chapter makes sense. This really does have a good, Bionicle/GregF feel to it, but...better. Better in a more mature way I guess.

 

What was the reason for them to find Karazhani again? And what do we know so far of the Red Star? (this is just so I'm brought back to speed. I stopped reading BionicleStory after I was saddened by Mata-Nui's "sacrifice").


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#8 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Jun 18 2014 - 12:41 PM

Wow, thanks! That scene just came to me in an instant when I realized, "Lewa would totally do this."
Ok, so more background: Lesovikk comes to Kopaka and Pohatu and tells them Karzahni has escaped, and that they have to go look for him. Lesovikk is a little obsessed with killing Karzahni. Ko+Po find Karzahni's corpse and Lesovikk's sword, but not Lesovikk. Naturally, it seems a little like Lesovikk did it. So now they have to find him for breaking the Toa code. But instead they found Tren Krom.
We know that there's something alive in the Red Star. And we know it serves as a booster rocket for Mata Nui. When Ko+Po get there, there are small beings called Kestora who are amaze to see them, saying things like that "it must be working again" and that the Toa should be sent back to Mata Nui now that they "have what they came for." But when they realize that they can't be sent back, they decide a dissection might give them some answers, even if all it amounted in was a mess. Kopaka and Pohatu escape them and go down a corridor, but Kopaka sees something he'd rather not have with his Akaku and then the lights go out. Lots of crawling things surround them, but a side door is opened by Mavrah and he lets the Toa in.

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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#9 Offline Iron_Man5

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Posted Jun 22 2014 - 04:58 PM

Well all I can say is that it's a lot to take in, but I like it so far. :) keep it up, I'm very intrigued. 


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"I am Iron Man"

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#10 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Jun 22 2014 - 11:12 PM

Thank you! Were you referring to my story, or the background info?

Anyway, the background for the recent chapter: http://www.bzpower.c...magna/?p=692091

So while Makuta was in control of the universe, he teleported Lewa, Hafu, Kapura, Axonn, Brutaka, Helryx, Tuyet, Artakha and Miserix--let's call them the Exiles from now on--into outer space. Then Vezon appears out of a portal and takes them to the cursed Great Being's fortress/prison. Lewa leaves, and we've already learned what happened to him.

The Toa Mahri were on Zakaz and witnessed the Skakdi throwing the six Piraka (evidently Zaktan pulled a Teridax earlier), a Vortixx and a being of Krekka's species into energized protodermis. What emerges is big and golden, and offers the Skakdi glory. Before they know it, the Toa Mahri have an irresistible urge to ally with the Skakdi as willing slaves. The Golden Fusion leads the Skakdi and Mahri onto Spherus Magna and makes a fortress appear out of thin air. Kopaka watches this and alerts the Hagah *and Takanuva,* who set out to rescue them.

*not stated in official canon

Zaria, Toa of Iron, Chiara, Toa of Lightning, and Orde, male Toa of Psionics, went north with Gelu to find the Great Beings. They were captured by Kabrua, a Vorox leader who, like the rest of his clan, still speaks fluent Agori since they were isolated on Bota Magna. They are armed with energy launchers not seen since the Core War, and capture and disarm the four. Then they set them loose in the forest to hunt them down. The Toa realize they are unable to use their elemental powers, and split up. Zaria and Chiara go one way, while Orde and Gelu go another way. Kabrua and one Vorox follow O+G, while another pair of Vorox follows Z+C. After they've gone a ways, Orde's powers return and he briefly reads Kabrua's mind, learning that a Great Being who had hidden in the Matoran Universe supplied the Vorox with their weapons and elemental energy negator, which, he deduces, must be with the other two Vorox hunters.


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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#11 Offline Iron_Man5

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Posted Jun 23 2014 - 08:36 AM

The story haha, I kept up with the serials up to their abrupt ending so I got the backstory down, but you combining Yesterday's quest and The powers that be, all in one story, with the tale hopping from character to character... that's a lot to take in at once lol


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"I am Iron Man"

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#12 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Jul 06 2014 - 03:11 PM

Yes, an update is here! http://www.bzpower.c...magna/?p=699013
And it took two weeks. I'm really sorry, everyone. I don't actually post chapters as I write them; I always write the next two chapters before sharing the current one. And Chapter 5 took a long time to get right. But that's the future! Back to the present, for this chapter's backstory:
When Mata Nui restored Spherus Magna, he also cured everyone mutated by the Pit of their mutation, including the Barraki. Botar was killed in combat a while ago, but the OoMN found a replacement.
I don't know if any background is needed for the chapter's middle or last segments.

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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#13 Offline Iron_Man5

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Posted Jul 06 2014 - 10:13 PM

I like it! :D Though in my mind it was too short lol

 

Though, the Barraki were supposed to be amassing their armies in Spherus Magna, how'd they get captured by Hydraxon again? Also, is the Island he's taking them inside the MU? I thought the universe would be abandoned because of the blow to the head?


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"I am Iron Man"

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#14 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Jul 07 2014 - 01:52 AM

That's what they'd be doing if they had their way. The Order tracked them down. Guess I didn't explain properly; the island prison is on Spherus Magna.
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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#15 Offline Iron_Man5

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Posted Jul 07 2014 - 06:48 AM

Ah okay. But what happened to that army that Pridak built during his time of freedom in the MU? Are we just assuming that Botar's replacement just whisked him away right in front of his army?

 

Also, how would the Order know about the Island on Spherus Magna? They never lived there at all in their life, so I'm kinda confused as to how they'd already have set up a high level security prison. (sorry if I'm being nit-picky lol) :P


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"I am Iron Man"

:i:  :a: :m:  :i: :r: :m_o: :n:  :m: :a: :n:

 

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#16 Offline Ahktu

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Posted Jul 07 2014 - 12:32 PM

Nice chapter. I like. I do question Hafu and Kapura, though. All of the other beings in that room(Besides Arthaka, and in my opinion Arthaka was rather justified there) would definitely be harsh enough to condemn Tuyet. Hafu & Kapura don't seem like that type though.


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#17 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Jul 09 2014 - 02:45 PM

Hmm, good point. I hadn't really thought about it from that angle. While I would agree that they would rather not condemn Tuyet to the Zome of Shadows, the fact is that they do have to pick someone, and Tuyet makes Miserix look downright innocent by comparison, not to mention all the times they thought they'd gotten rid of her in the past. But perhaps in a revised version there could be more deliberation on whom to leave behind.
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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#18 Offline Ahktu

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Posted Jul 09 2014 - 04:37 PM

What I would suggest is Hafu and Kapura protest, but be outvoted and the GB says 'enough' and does it.


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#19 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Jul 21 2014 - 01:16 AM

Chapter 4 has arrived: http://www.bzpower.c...magna/?p=706235
Sorry for the delay again; this time I realized last minute that there were many remaining problems with this chapter, rather than a future one.
Background info: Tahu gained all 42 Kraata powers when he used the Golden Armor. Gaaki wears the Mask of Clairvoyance, which may unexpectedly show the wearer a glimpse of the future.


Edited by Akavakaku, Jul 28 2014 - 11:21 PM.

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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#20 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Jul 28 2014 - 11:19 PM

Chapter 5! http://www.bzpower.c...magna/?p=710067

Background Info:

Zaria's mask is unknown; I just decided on a power for it. Adhesion allows two surfaces to be attached to each other, but wears off if the user loses focus or leaves the area.

Chiara wears the Volitak.

Let me know if anything's confusing. Or if it makes sense you can tell me that too. /:)


Edited by Akavakaku, Jul 28 2014 - 11:21 PM.

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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#21 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Aug 10 2014 - 03:05 PM

Chapter 6 is now up. http://www.bzpower.c...magna/?p=717615
Sorry, had another tricky future chapter to write. Background:
Krakua, Johmak and Jerbraz are OOMN members. Jerbraz is permanently invisible, Johmak can fragment and reform her body, and Krakua is a Toa of Sonics with a Suletu.

Edited by Akavakaku, Aug 25 2014 - 11:32 AM.

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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#22 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Aug 25 2014 - 11:31 AM

Chapter 7 is up... finally. http://www.bzpower.c...magna/?p=724576
Background: the Kakama Nuva, used at maximum power, lets the wearer pass through solid objects.
Edit: Oops, big problem with the formatting. I'll fix it later, I promise. It should still be readable.
Update: it has been fixed.

Edited by Akavakaku, Aug 25 2014 - 12:41 PM.

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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 


#23 Offline Akavakaku

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Posted Sep 10 2014 - 05:58 PM

Chapter 8: http://www.bzpower.c...magna/?p=733320
I know, it's taken a while. Seems like I publish them late more often than on time.
I don't think any background should be necessary.

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( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) 

-Takuaka: Toa of Time

Marendar, the Legend of Spherus Magna: http://www.bzpower.c...-spherus-magna/

 

Get in the Robot entry: Kalmah's Conquest Exo http://www.bzpower.c...s-conquest-exo/

 

My BZRPG character: http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=668767

 





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