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Survival


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#1 Offline VakamaMetruNui

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Posted Oct 26 2011 - 06:01 AM

Hello and welcome to my 1,000th post special. This is a story about me if I was a Bionicle character, namely, a Matoran. So, feedback and criticism appreciated, as this is only my second SS. So, here we go:

Survival

Eyes opened in the darkness. These were the eyes of the Ta-Matoran VakamaMetruNui, or what most of his friends called him: VMN. He looked around desperately, trying to find a way out. There was only a small window that let in a little light. He tried to open it, but it was sealed shut. VMN didn’t know it, but he was currently locked in a Matoran Sphere, put there by Makuta Teridax, under the disguise of Turaga Dume. He would fall into a deep sleep soon, and his memory would be wiped, all according to the Makuta’s plan. VMN slumped down in his pod. He was scared; he didn’t know what would happen. He thought about how he ended up here. He closed his eyes as he remembered. He was a small, scared Ta-Matoran, named Kazahk. Abandoned by his parents at an extremely young age, Kazahk bounced around from orphanage to orphanage, until one day. Kazahk fell to the ground after getting punched in the face. He grabbed his face as he stood up. The bully, about twice his age, stood there his fists at the ready. Kazahk had gotten himself into this situation when the bully had decided to pick on a young Matoran named Kayzahk. Kazahk came to his rescue. Kazahk always wondered why his name was similar to the little kid’s, but he didn’t have time to think about that now. “Come on kid.” said the bully. “Give me your best shot.” Kazahk didn’t know what to do, he was only four years old, what was he supposed to do? He still stood in front of kayzahk, even though he knew the consequences. The bully was about to throw another punch, when another Ta-Matoran stepped in. “Hey kid, back off.” said the adult. The bully decided to take that time to leave. “Are you alright?” asked the adult. “Yeah.” said Kazahk. The adult kneeled down next to Kazahk. “My name is Vakama, what is your name?” said the Ta-Matoran. “Kazahk.” He responded. “Well Kazahk,” said Vakama. “How about I get you out of here?” Shortly after that, Vakama had taken Kazahk in, and gave him a nice home. Kazahk had a lot of fun looking at the masks he made, and playing with the fire drones. Vakama was even able to get Kazahk a job guarding a small building that no one cared about, a safe place for him to be. Then came Naming Day, Kazahk was chosen, along with five other Matoran, to have the chance to change their name. He was eight years old now. He decided to name himself VakamaMetruNui, since he really liked Vakama and really liked Metru Nui. The other five Matoran all chose similar names too, except with a different name at the beginning. VMN wondered about this. “Vakama?” he asked. “How come those other Matoran all chose similar names to me?” “Well,” said Vakama. “I’m not sure exactly, but maybe it’s Destiny.” VMN seemed to like that answer. Then, two years later, Vakama went out to work, and never came back. VMN wondered what happened to him, and got extremely worried. A few weeks later, he went to an Akilini match at the Coliseum. Then six Toa walked out on the field. VMN was shocked about a few things: First, finding out Lhikan had disappeared. Second, that six new Toa walked out onto the field. And third, the Toa of Fire was Vakama. He didn’t understand what was happening. The Toa were then beat up by the field and called imposters by Dume, just before half of them were sucked down the middle of the field. Vakama and two others were able to get away. A few days later, VMN and all the other Matoran on Metru Nui came back to the Coliseum, where Dume told them to get in these pods where they would be safe. VMN just did what he was told, but he was really scared. They then closed the door, and told him to go to sleep, so he did. That’s how he ended up here. So many thoughts arced through VMN’s mind. Why did Dume do this to me? Should I stay here? How could I get out if I wanted to? Then a big one came through. If Vakama is a Toa, why isn’t he saving me? Some kind of gas was now being pumped into the pod, and he could fell himself getting very sleepy. I should just give, just give up, just give up. NO! VMN punched through the glass of his pod. He was then able to open it and get out. He looked around; there were hundreds of Matoran pods here. He ran to five others and let out those Matoran. They were all able to escape then. What VMN didn’t know at the time though, was that these Matoran were the very same ones that chose similar names to him. And what he also didn’t know, is that he had an even more special relation ship with one of them… The End So, what do you think? VMN

Edited by VakamaMetruNui, Oct 26 2011 - 06:02 AM.

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#2 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Oct 27 2011 - 12:14 AM

Interesting story. I like how the end fits in with the 04 Bionicle Storyline. I also liked how you showed VMN's thoughts as he was in the sphere. The pacing of the story was good, though I do think it could've been a little longer. Also, this paragraph bothered me a little.

“Are you alright?” asked the adult. “Yeah.” said Kazahk. The adult kneeled down next to Kazahk. “My name is Vakama, what is your name?” said the Ta-Matoran. “Kazahk.” He responded. “Well Kazahk,” said Vakama. “How about I get you out of here?” Shortly after that, Vakama had taken Kazahk in, and gave him a nice home. Kazahk had a lot of fun looking at the masks he made, and playing with the fire drones. Vakama was even able to get Kazahk a job guarding a small building that no one cared about, a safe place for him to be.

It is kind of hard to read with all of the dialogue together in this same paragraph. I think it would look better if you separated it into paragraphs whenever you changed speakers. Here's an example:

“Are you alright?” asked the adult. “Yeah.” said Kazahk. The adult kneeled down next to Kazahk. “My name is Vakama, what is your name?” “Kazahk.” He responded.

It would be a lot easier to read typed out like this. Also, you have Kazahk suddenly age four years when Naming Day starts. In the beginning of this paragraph, you could put "Then, four years later..." or something like that to make sound better. Sorry if I sound a little mean. I do like this story and think that its good. I didn't find any spelling mistakes, which is rare since I usually find one or two in a story I read. Good job with that. :)

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Everyone is one choice away from being a bad guy in someone else's story.

 

Check out my Bionicle short stories The Agori and A Skakdi Horror Story.

 

 

Also check out my comedy series Adventures of the Bara Magna Sets!


#3 Offline MatauMetruNui

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Posted Oct 29 2011 - 09:09 AM

I liked the story alot I agree the story was a little short and was a little hard to read but still good.MMN
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