A Grochi-approved tale of Grochidom ...
[10:25:14 AM] zemblanity - unpleasant unsurprise: My achievement of Grochilightenment has brought me closer to the true Grochi.
[10:25:18 AM] DIET GROCHI: ...
[10:25:19 AM] zemblanity - unpleasant unsurprise: You were once true Grochi.
[10:25:22 AM] DIET GROCHI: i'm scared
[10:25:26 AM] zemblanity - unpleasant unsurprise: Now you must become Grochi once more.
What is the essence of true Grochi? That is a question that has plagued scholars across the aeons, for none can truly agree what being a true Grochi entails. Some have claimed that being true Grochi is simply acting in the manner of the one who was Grochi, while the former Grochi himself, now merely Diet Grochi, claims that a true Grochi is whatever he defines being Grochi as. But regardless, it is clear that in these dark days, there are none who have obtained Grochilightenment, and the essence of the true Grochi no longer permeates the world.
That is something I endeavour to change.
Legends tell of Mt. Grochi, a vast rock formation located somewhere on Earth in an area that can be described as the Land of Grochi. Those who climb it will inevitably achieve Grochilightenment, the state in which one becomes a true Grochi. The journey is a difficult one, with perils lying in wait behind every corner, but it is my belief that the payout shall be great. I am merely a Diet Grochi, one who emulates the essence of true Grochi, and wishes to become one, but if I am to climb this mountain, my world will no longer be the one I once knew. I will become a true Grochi.
My expedition began on a Wednesday. Why Wednesday? Perhaps it was the spelling of the name. It was quite bizarre, in my humble opinion. And that would assist me becoming a true Grochi. Possibly. The ways of Grochilightenment are mysterious indeed. But nevertheless, it was a Wednesday, and I immediately set foot from the base of Mt. Grochi, where I had spent the last few nights in preparation for the arduous climb.
It was not long into the trek when I came across my first obstacle.
A bottle of Dr. Pepper lay upon the tracks. Its visage was tempting, hoping to lure me away from the path of Grochi. But I would not be deterred. From my trusty utility belt, I retrieved the deck of Grochi-Oh cards that I had received long ago, back when I never understood the true essence of what was Grochi. I drew five cards. And there was much rejoicing within me.
1800 ATK; 0 DEF
Despite its high attack, the low defense of my Grochi-Oh card meant that SEXYFACE was merely a four Grochi-essence monster. It could be considered overkill to use such a monster against the tempting bottle of Dr. Pepper, but the ways of the Grochi were highly supportive of overkill. If I were to become a true Grochi, then I would need to use an excessive amount of force against this dastardly foe.
And I did.
The bottle exploded, the cheap plastic that was once its body flying everywhere. I gasped in shock. What stood where the bottle once did was a mighty steed - an orange, spectacled, zebra that exuded an aura of great power. This was one of the Four Deadly Warriors of Anti-Grochi! I had misjudged how dangerous Mt. Grochi was, if it could call even its greatest foes to challenge me as I sought out the true essence, to become Grochilightened.
300 ATK; 300 DEF
Effect Monster: Sacrifice this card to immediately win all debates.
But that was when I realised ...
We were not in a debate.
Following my defeat of the Kun-Kray, I had continued trekking up Mt. Grochi. The quest for Grochilightenment had not ended, and I was intent on becoming a true Grochi, one that all would praise for the essence of Grochi that lay within. However, the wind had picked up, and I could see nothing but sakura petals, whirling around like terrible special effects on some children's cartoon. This was indeed the power of Grochi. I could not hold in my awe. If I could achieve Grochilightenment, then all this would be mere child's play for I.
Then arrived my second foe.
From the petals came a beautiful man. Or woman. I was too engaged in the beauty of the figure that stood before me that I could not recognise their sex from sight alone. Mt. Grochi had summoned another of the Four Deadly Warriors of Anti-Grochi to test my abilities, and this may possibly be the most dangerous of them all. I gulped. This would be a challenge that I could not face, but I could not back down. The path of Grochi was one of stubbornly butting one's head into walls no matter how painful or futile.
I reached for my deck of Grochi-Oh cards.
They were gone!
"Bwa, ha, ha, " intoned the Warrior before me. "To defeat me. You must. Challenge me to an eating contest."
No! I could not escape now! The world around me warped and twisted, and I found myself in a dining hall. Before me was a plate, and on that plate ...
Was a tower of pancakes.
"Come, Grochi of Diets," said the Warrior. "Fill yourself with fattening foodstuffs."
Could I eat it all? Could I defeat the Deadly Warrior of Anti-Grochi? The path of Grochi seemed to far away. Could I become a true Grochi if I could not defeat the foe that sat before me? The essence of Grochi demanded I emerge victorious. Mt. Grochi was testing me. I needed to find a way to achieve Grochilightenment despite the terrible situation that I was in.
Then it hit me.
"Look, a distraction!"
My foe turned to look in the direction I had pointed in. And they were completely unprepared for the tower of pancakes that slammed into their face.
I paused. The second Deadly Warrior of Anti-Grochi had been defeated long ago, and I now found myself on a golden plateau. Potatoes bloomed all around, the essence of Grochi fuelling their growth. These were not mere potatoes, but Grochitatoes, and I saw that each and every one of them were truly emulating the Grochi that was Grochi. It was awe-inspiring. The mountain had made these potatoes into true Grochi. I knew deep in my heart that if I progressed, I too could become a Grochi. The path of Grochilightenment was becoming clearer.
There was the issue of the voice.
Who had spoken to me? Was it Mt. Grochi itself, embedding the truth of Grochi into my mind to communicate? Or was it ...
I moved. Where I had been standing was now a large crater, the power of the Choco Meteor having completely destroyed everything that it had touched. I knew what had happened. He had arrived. The third Deadly Warrior of Anti-Grochi. Crazy Vod. The man fuelled by burning freedom.
He stands before me in his glistening silver armour. His power is clearly visible, an aura of lightning and mashed potatoes crackling around his arms. But it is nothing in comparison to the power of Grochi. The true essence of Grochi will triumph over all who are Anti-Grochi, and I will make sure of that.
I strike ... and I miss.
Crazy Vod laughs at me. Could even my support of the Grochi not defeat him?
Crazy Vod used Thundaga!
My body crackles. There is pain. I fall to the ground. I can barely hear the mocking laughs of Crazy Vod.
I take a nearby potato and consume it. Vigour returns to me, and I feel ...
IS THIS THE TRUE POWER OF GROCHI?!
The beating of my heart is stronger than ever. The essence of Grochi infuses every pore of my body. It is only temporary, but I now understand what it means to be Grochi. Grochilightenment is closer and closer. I can defeat Crazy Vod here today. Grochi demands it.
Vod tries to strike again with a Thundaga.
I do not let him.
I raise my hand.
Diet Grochi used Potatoga.
And then Crazy Vod was potato.
I have reached the summit. It is beautiful. The essence of Grochi can be felt in the air, and I know that I am to be Grochilightened. But I am still wary. Three of the Four Deadly Warriors of Anti-Grochi have come to test me, but I know that to become a true Grochi, the fourth must be fought. I do not know who the fourth is, but I hope to Grochi that I can become Grochi by defeating him or her.
"Meh, go ahead. I can't be bothered fighting you."
The voice emerges from a nearby rock. Actually, it is the nearby rock.
"I mean like, I'm totally fine with being a rock. It's a great disguise. Maybe I should reincarnate into one later."
Does this mean I do not need to defeat him? The path to Grochilightenment, to become a true Grochi, it is clear? I am to act in the manner of a true Grochi, and now that I have surpassed all that have stood before me, I will receive the blessings of Mt. Grochi?
Happiness bubbles within me. I take a deep breath, ignoring the strange Warrior as I step forth. The essence of Grochi is filling me once again. I can feel the mountain giving me praise. I have acted in a manner befitting a Grochi. I have sought out the path of Grochilightenment on Mt. Grochi. The ways of the true Grochi will be clear to me. I shall no longer be simply Diet Grochi.
Light shines upon my body.
The Grochi enters my soul. I am a true Grochi now. All is now understood. Grochilightenment has been procured.
I am no longer Diet Grochi.
I am ... Cherry Grochi.