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Tabo and Co.

Tokytot Comedy

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11 replies to this topic

#1 Offline The Tokytot

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 12:27 AM

Update: I have Chapter 3 finished and I'm written up to half of page four of real paper! Chapter 4 will be named Indiana Tabo: Quest for the Lost Top Hat!

 

Update 2: I have Chapter 4 finished and have written up to almost all of page 6 of real paper (I didn't write during the weekend). I hopefully will get to posting Chapter 1 today (May 5, 2015). I think ! may have the original, very first version of Chapter 1 on my computer. I will post it for reference. Stay tuned!

 

Update 3: Scratch what I said about having the original. I do have faint memories of its content, but nothing otherwise. I tried to bring a cached version of this page, but it didn't have the original :(. I do have a draft of the last version, though. I might have a draft that I wrote before the original chapter, but I think I might have thrown it away. I'm crossing my fingers.

 

Update 4: I cannot find the draft. I will post my draft for the last version of Chapter 1 (someday) . Look down below for the new Chapter 1!

 

~The Tokytot~


Edited by The Tokytot, May 05 2015 - 07:02 PM.

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#2 Offline Tyler St. Francis

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 11:23 AM

This introductory chapter throws characters at the audience far too quickly. The progression is incredibly forced, with characters appearing almost immediately and without any prior build-up. Although possible to have a multitude of characters appear, yours simply enter so suddenly that people become confused at why they're there.

The overuse of emoticons tends not to add much to humour, and the interactions between the characters seem quite random and unnatural. I cannot determine what type of narrative you are aiming for either. Everything simply happens far too quickly.

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#3 Offline The Tokytot

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 01:48 PM

I changed it. Is it better?

 

P.S. This is my first comedy


Edited by tokytot, Jul 10 2014 - 03:58 PM.

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#4 Offline Tyler St. Francis

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 08:14 PM

The plot still progresses far too quickly, and you're overly reliant on sudden absurdities and emoticons for humour. 

 

Also, the formatting: overly bright colours and italics makes it difficult to read.


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#5 Offline The Tokytot

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Posted Apr 24 2015 - 03:52 PM

I have restarted the story! I want your feedback on whether I should change the style (you'll understand if you find the secret). I have a better understanding of writing now.


Edited by The Tokytot, Apr 24 2015 - 04:32 PM.

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#6 Offline TinkerTech

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Posted Apr 26 2015 - 11:17 AM

I hadn't read the original chapter, So I cannot say much on how it has improved. I can say that you still have a lot of room for improvement.

 

-Your characters seem well-developed; you know who they are, their personalities, how they interact with each other. Maybe show a little more of that in the chapters; Does one's personality irritate another? How long have they known each other? Are they friends? Or Matoran who barely tolerate each other?

 

-You use the script format for your comedy; while this isn't bad by any means, it can be a bit of a pain to read if not done well. (This is the part where I wish 10 years of history hadn't been deleted from our archives so I could show you a good example.) You have a pretty good handle on it, but there's always room to improve. You also have good spelling and grammar, which is important (poor spelling and grammar makes a story unclear and reaaaallly hard to read.)

 

-Your story and plot progression is what suffers the most in this particular chapter. Right now it appears that it's two random matoran making random jokes with no sort of connection or reason. Really good stories do not rely on jokes to amuse their audience. They tell a story that happens to have a lot of funny happenstances. For now, give your characters either an event they must react to or a goal to work towards. It doesn't have to be as dramatic or complicated as taking the ring to Mordor; maybe they just need to get across town in time for a concert.

 

-The last I heard, we don't have a word count anymore, so you don't have to worry about meeting a bare minimum. Still, I would not reccomend extremely short chapters. How long your chapters are depends on what happens within the chapter, or your own personal writing style. (Mine have a tendency to reach 3-4,000 words as of late.) If you have a decent plot or storyline, you won't have a problem extending the story. If you just string a few jokes together, it's going to be harder to achieve a decent length. I would recommend 500-1,000 words for a decent chapter length, which isn't hard to reach at all if you know what you're doing.

 

 

So, You have a lot of potential. A couple steps I would recommend taking to improve are making a plot for your characters, and maybe fleshing out your characters a little more. If you really want, maybe take some time in real life to read play or movie scripts; Analyze them and see how they use their format to share information. (A good one to read that should be easy to find is The Importance of Being Earnest, by Oscar Wilde.) But most of all, keep reading and writing. The only way to improve is with practice!


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#7 Offline The Tokytot

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Posted Apr 27 2015 - 08:21 PM

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it and I want to give some responses to what you said.

 

-You use the script format for your comedy; while this isn't bad by any means, it can be a bit of a pain to read if not done well. (This is the part where I wish 10 years of history hadn't been deleted from our archives so I could show you a good example.) You have a pretty good handle on it, but there's always room to improve. You also have good spelling and grammar, which is important (poor spelling and grammar makes a story unclear and reaaaallly hard to read.)

 I didn't feel too good about writing in the script format anyways. I like to write in a semi-prose style. I'll give you an example.

 

[Example]

Leahu, why do you strive so hard to make puns? "I don't know, Tabo." Leahu had never really though why he tried so hard to make puns.

[Example]

 

-Your characters seem well-developed; you know who they are, their personalities, how they interact with each other. Maybe show a little more of that in the chapters; Does one's personality irritate another? How long have they known each other? Are they friends? Or Matoran who barely tolerate each other?

 

I too felt that I needed to explain the relationship between characters. Tabo and Leahu are the best of buds and have been for the longest time, by the way.

 

 

-Your story and plot progression is what suffers the most in this particular chapter. Right now it appears that it's two random matoran making random jokes with no sort of connection or reason. Really good stories do not rely on jokes to amuse their audience. They tell a story that happens to have a lot of funny happenstances. For now, give your characters either an event they must react to or a goal to work towards. It doesn't have to be as dramatic or complicated as taking the ring to Mordor; maybe they just need to get across town in time for a concert.

I can see what you mean. I have better writing on paper. I might have just let myself go, because I usually try not to be too random (this is a little too random).

 

 

-The last I heard, we don't have a word count anymore, so you don't have to worry about meeting a bare minimum. Still, I would not reccomend extremely short chapters. How long your chapters are depends on what happens within the chapter, or your own personal writing style. (Mine have a tendency to reach 3-4,000 words as of late.) If you have a decent plot or storyline, you won't have a problem extending the story. If you just string a few jokes together, it's going to be harder to achieve a decent length. I would recommend 500-1,000 words for a decent chapter length, which isn't hard to reach at all if you know what you're doing.

I guess I thought it would be funny or something to make a joke about it, but it's not.  I can see how it serves no purpose with such short chapters. I have such short chapters because the script format doesn't flow with me. If I make another chapter or remake this chapter (again), then I will probably use the semi-prose format I mentioned before.

 

 

So, You have a lot of potential. A couple steps I would recommend taking to improve are making a plot for your characters, and maybe fleshing out your characters a little more. If you really want, maybe take some time in real life to read play or movie scripts; Analyze them and see how they use their format to share information. (A good one to read that should be easy to find is The Importance of Being Earnest, by Oscar Wilde.) But most of all, keep reading and writing. The only way to improve is with practice!

I do have a lot of potential. I think my skills were a tad bit hindered by the script format. Fleshing out my characters would be fairly easy, because Tabo and Leahu are the two favorites out of all the characters I have made up all on my own. I might use some narrating (by my character) to explain characters and how their text is displayed. I have typed a story with narration before and I think it's pretty good. I could create a plot and/or purpose too. I have several pages of writings (most of the pages are story involving Tabo and Leahu) in my semi-prose format, and people seem to say they're pretty good (I make sure they're not lying for my feelings).The story with the narrative is written like the ones that people seem to like (it's not too random and everything isn't over-explained).  I have a lot of practice. I would post one of my favorite and best writings (I could keep writing it on here, as it'snot yet finished) , but it's on paper and I'm too lazy to type it out or scan it (I write squished sometimes too). I definitely have room for improvement, though. Luckily, this is one of my worse writings, so I could for sure bring in something bigger and better: something that has better jokes, something that doesn't rely on jokes, and something that explains the characters more, but not too much. I truly felt that something was wrong in all those areas. Thank you for showing it to me more. Now, I am finished with this post.

 

~The Tokytot~ 


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#8 Offline The Tokytot

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Posted Apr 30 2015 - 05:47 PM

Prepare for Chapter 1: The Beginning/Introductions Can Be Long! Coming to a Tabo and Co. comedy near you! Mark your calendars for Friday, May 1st, 2015 AD! 

 

Edit: I was lazy, so now it's Tuesday, May 5th, 2015 AD.


Edited by The Tokytot, May 05 2015 - 05:52 PM.

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#9 Offline TinkerTech

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Posted May 01 2015 - 09:40 AM

Sounds good! A Quick suggestion though-Don't delete the current chapter just because you don't think it's very good! A new reader is going to get confused when they read the topic and don't find any comedy chapters! You don't need to update the first post every time something happens with the comedy-a new post at the end of the thread will work just as well. (If you are updating the chapter, leave the old one in place until you are ready to switch it out. You never when Real Life will strike and keep you from changing it for three days.)


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#10 Offline The Tokytot

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Posted May 05 2015 - 08:53 PM

Tabo and Co.

Chapter 1: The Beginning/Introduction Can Be Long

(The third and official version, originally written on Tuesday, April 28, 2015 to Wednesday, April 29, 2015)
 

   ['Sup guys! I'm The Tokytot. I'm here to bring you the first chapter of this comedy. I will narrate and star in this story which is written in my semi-prose format. All speech and narrations (intros will be orange) will be black. My speech will be indicated by single quotation marks ('Banana!'). Leahu's speech will be indicated by double quotation marks ("Watermelon!"). Tabo's speech will be indicated by underlining (Pomegranate!). My narration is indicated by square brackets ([This is an intro!]). I will inform how a new character's speech is indicated as the said character is introduced. Narration other than mine will be self-explanatory ({Hi, I'm Tabo. I will narrate in the absence of The Tokytot.})Happenings are just standard orange text (Leahu slammed into the wall!)Now that I have finished the introduction, I present to you Tabo and Co. Chapter 1: The Beginning/Introductions Can Be Long!]

 

 

   A gentle blows over grassy fields. The green grass sways a bit in the breeze. A male matoran is sleeping on the grass. [I, The Tokytot, am that sleeping matoran! I'm puzzled how I got there.] He is wearing a navy blue top hat, suit and pants, suspenders, an orange long-sleeved button-up shirt, bow tie, shoes, and pakari. [My style cannot be beaten.] Under that, he was all orange, save his yellow arms and legs. A fly lands on his mask. The Tokytot's eyes abruptly open. [From now on, my written as Tokytot, for the ease of both the reader and I.] He smashes the fly with his right hand. 'I didn't actually think I would hit it!' Tokytot stands up, yawns, and stretches. He wipes the bug guts off his mask. 'I'll have to wash my mask and hands. First, I need to wipe this off my hand!' Tokytot wipes the guts onto a nearby flower. [I hope nobody saw that.]

 

   "Watch out!" Tokytot turns in time to have an Atari 2600 controller hit his mask. "Why would you throw that?!" A male Le-matoran had thrown the controller. He had a light green body and arms, purple feet and legs, and a turquoise miru. I'm so sorry. My friend, Leahu threw that. He can be weird and annoying sometimes. The voice came from a male Ta-matoran with a red torso, hands, and feet, and an orange pakari, arms, and legs. 'Does Leahu do things like this all the time?' Basically. Tokytot pats the Ta-matoran on the back. 'You have my sympathy.' "And my axe." Leahu, you could never be Gimli. "Neither could you, Tabo." [Now, we

have our three musketeers! What could possibly go wrong?] 'Tabo and Leahu...those names sound awfully familiar.' Well, Leahu and I have been best friends since as long as we can remember. 'It still sounds very familiar. I can't put my tongue on it. Oh well, I guess I shouldn't worry too much.' What's your name? 'The Tokytot's my name, awesomeness is my game!' [I couldn't let that opportunity slip.] Can I simply call you Tokytot? Tokytot glares at Tabo. 'No.' "He may allow it in a few chapters..." Not again with the chapters! 'You are pretty strange!' Leahu smiles, pulls out a frying pan, and knocks out Tokytot with it. You dummy! There was no need for that! [That's the end of the chapter! Tune in next time for Chapter 2: He's Not Dead!]

 

 
 


Edited by The Tokytot, May 05 2015 - 09:30 PM.

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#11 Offline TinkerTech

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Posted May 05 2015 - 09:05 PM

Three words for you, my friend.

 

Save. Your. Work.

 

Seriously. Type it up in Word or Pages or whatever and keep a copy. Especially if you are going to be changing out the chapters this much. Don't trust the internet to hold the only copy you may have. 

 

Also, You don't need to have separate brackets and parenthesis and such to denote different characters. I would recommend having the normal text of the comedy be in black, and whenever you appear or there is text not related to the chapter, have it in orange. You don't need to denote different characters with different text brackets. Simply noting who said what is fine. Your readers aren't THAT unintelligent.

 

And are you aware that the post is formatted weird? It's cutting out every other line. I can't tell where the paragraphs start, or when they're a continuation of a previous line of thought.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but I just noticed these. I want to be nice, but I also want to help you. (and it's still the same subject matter, so I can only comment on the things that have changed.) The new format looks really good, but it needs a little fixing.


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#12 Offline The Tokytot

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Posted May 05 2015 - 09:27 PM

I fixed it the best I could. I couldn't fix the places that are cut off. The text keeps on staying like that and I know it's not my formatting.


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