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Tabo and Co.

Tokytot Comedy

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4 replies to this topic

#1 Online The Tokytot

The Tokytot
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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 12:27 AM

The number of views is one of my favorite numbers: 161! Now, after about 123,701,281,283,7983.141592653589793238462... years, I have gotten myself to write the true first(more like half of it) chapter, and here it is:

 

Chapter First 1/2: The Half Beginning

Tabo and Co.

By The Tokytot

 

Narrator: Welcome to Tabo and Co., where Tabo, Leahu and others star in a stupid comedy. Tabo is the sensible  Ta-Matoran who is friends Leahu, the weird Le-Matoran who makes terrible puns!

 

*A red and orange Ta-Matoran wearing an orange Pakari is sitting in a plain wooden chair*

 

Tabo: That would be me, Tabo! *squirms uncomfortably* Why did I ever get this chair?

 

|FLASHBACK|

 

Narrator: Tabo, I need you to get this chair and put it in a tree.

 

Tabo: Why?

 

Narrator: Because I'm the Narrator.

 

Chair: He has a point there.

 

|FLASHBACK END|

 

Tabo: Since when could chairs talk?

 

*A light green Le-Matoran with purple feet and wearing a turquoise Miru pops up behind Tabo*

 

Leahu: HIYA!

 

Tabo: GAH! *falls out of tree*

 

Leahu: NIce tree-fall!

 

Tabo: I don't think that was a free-fall anyways

 

Leahu:  :lookaround: Uh...ATARI! *throws Atari 2600 controller at Tabo*

 

Tabo: OW! Why did you do that?!?

 

Leahu: No reason.

 

Tabo: Why me?

 

???: You're right, this chair is uncomfortable!

 

Leahu: Oh, where are you chair, my only love.

 

???: Excuse my manners, my name is The Tokytot. I'm the author. B-)

 

Tabo: Who were your parents? Naming someone "The" is basically a crime! 

 

The Tokytot: *facepalms* No,no,no! That's my whole name!

 

Leahu: Just like ??? is a name.

 

The Tokytot: Yeeeaaaahhhh. Anyways, I'll explain myself for the audience [somewhere] out there. I wear a navy blue tuxedo, navy blue pants, a navy blue top hat (always), and an orange bowtie, shoes, and Pakari. I'm a Matoran of Noodles (Because why not) and I'm also quite sensible.

 

Tabo: Finally, someone who likes my style. Excuse me, I have one question.

 

Leahu: BANANA?!?

 

Tabo: No.

 

The Tokytot: What is it?

 

Tabo: How the heck do we get out of here?

 

The Tokytot: Oh dear, I haven't thought that far ahead yet.

 

Leahu: *triumphantly standing one foot on a rock* I HAVE! *presses a big red button in his hand*

 

*With a bright flash, the scene changes to a huge grassy field with a broken-down wooden shack*

 

Tabo and The Tokytot:  <_<

 

Leahu: Save the emoticons full of gratitude for later!  :D

 

Tabo: There's no place like back at the tree! There's no place like it! *grabs button and presses it*

 

The Tokytot: Nothing happened...

 

Leahu: It's one time use.

 

Tabo: *pulls Leahu towards him and looks him in the eye* What have you done?
 
Leahu:  :shrugs:
 
The Tokytot: Chapter End!
 
Tabo: WAIT!
 
The Tokytot: What?
 
Tabo: How many words does this chapter have?
 
Leahu: This chapter has ... Kanohi
 
Tabo: No
 
Leahu: YES
 
Tabo: No
 
Leahu: YES
 
Tabo: No?
 
Leahu: =
 
Tabo: ?
 
Leahu: 523
 
Tabo: 8?
 
Leahu: This chapter has x*8 words
 
Tabo: This is a short chap-
 
The Tokytot: 1/2 CHAPTER END!
 
:pakari: Tokytot Productions (Pretend the Pakaris are orange and have navy blue top hats.)  :pakari:
 
The Tokytot: You found the 1/2 Epilogue! *looks around* Keep it a secret...
 
Tabo: I gotcha covered. *winks*
 
Leahu: I gotcha covered too! *Puts covers over the The Tokytot*
 
All Except Leahu: No.
 
Leahu: Awwww... Why no emoticons?
 
The Tokytot: They're can't become invisible.
 
Leahu: Oh.
 
The Tokytot: *looks at audience* Would you guys like me to post a story that I wrote in real life? It's about Tabo and Leahu. Or would you like me write a fresh one (starting from chapter 2nd 1/2) in a new style that I, myself prefer (and maybe you would)? I would appreciate your feedback.
 
Leahu: *pulls out infected mask emoticon* Here.
 
Tabo: Woah buddy! Watch where you're waving that emoticon!
 
The Tokytot: You're going to get us caught!
 
Leahu:  :infected: Too late!
 
Tabo: Why You!
 
*Tabo tries to grab Leahu, but is held back by The Tokytot*
 
The Tokytot: Hold on!
 
*Tabo breaks free*
 
Leahu: AHHHHHHHH!
 
The Tokytot: FIRST 1/2 EPILOGUE END!

Edited by The Tokytot, Apr 24 2015 - 03:49 PM.

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:alert: The Tokytot- A Top-Hat wearing species... an awesome species! :alert: 


#2 Offline Umi Tryon

Umi Tryon
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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 11:23 AM

This introductory chapter throws characters at the audience far too quickly. The progression is incredibly forced, with characters appearing almost immediately and without any prior build-up. Although possible to have a multitude of characters appear, yours simply enter so suddenly that people become confused at why they're there.

The overuse of emoticons tends not to add much to humour, and the interactions between the characters seem quite random and unnatural. I cannot determine what type of narrative you are aiming for either. Everything simply happens far too quickly.

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#3 Online The Tokytot

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 01:48 PM

I changed it. Is it better?

 

P.S. This is my first comedy


Edited by tokytot, Jul 10 2014 - 03:58 PM.

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:alert: The Tokytot- A Top-Hat wearing species... an awesome species! :alert: 


#4 Offline Umi Tryon

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 08:14 PM

The plot still progresses far too quickly, and you're overly reliant on sudden absurdities and emoticons for humour. 

 

Also, the formatting: overly bright colours and italics makes it difficult to read.


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#5 Online The Tokytot

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Posted Apr 24 2015 - 03:52 PM

I have restarted the story! I want your feedback on whether I should change the style (you'll understand if you find the secret). I have a better understanding of writing now.


Edited by The Tokytot, Apr 24 2015 - 04:32 PM.

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:alert: The Tokytot- A Top-Hat wearing species... an awesome species! :alert: 





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