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Tabo and Co.

Tokytot Comedy

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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline tokytot

tokytot
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  • 06-July 13
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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 12:27 AM

NOW POSTING IN 1/4 CHAPTERS


Edited by tokytot, Jul 14 2014 - 05:16 PM.

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:smiletakua:  :b:  :i:  :m_o:  :n:  :i:  :c:  :i:  :e: :smiletakua:

 

The awesomeness never ends!


#2 Offline Purple God

Purple God
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  • 10-July 09
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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 11:23 AM

This introductory chapter throws characters at the audience far too quickly. The progression is incredibly forced, with characters appearing almost immediately and without any prior build-up. Although possible to have a multitude of characters appear, yours simply enter so suddenly that people become confused at why they're there.

The overuse of emoticons tends not to add much to humour, and the interactions between the characters seem quite random and unnatural. I cannot determine what type of narrative you are aiming for either. Everything simply happens far too quickly.

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ULPxgev.gif

~Prepare to fight — for, evidently, you have found peace intolerable.~


#3 Offline tokytot

tokytot
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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 01:48 PM

I changed it. Is it better?

 

P.S. This is my first comedy


Edited by tokytot, Jul 10 2014 - 03:58 PM.

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:smiletakua:  :b:  :i:  :m_o:  :n:  :i:  :c:  :i:  :e: :smiletakua:

 

The awesomeness never ends!


#4 Offline Purple God

Purple God
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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 08:14 PM

The plot still progresses far too quickly, and you're overly reliant on sudden absurdities and emoticons for humour. 

 

Also, the formatting: overly bright colours and italics makes it difficult to read.


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ULPxgev.gif

~Prepare to fight — for, evidently, you have found peace intolerable.~





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