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Tabo and Co.

Tokytot Comedy

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6 replies to this topic

#1 Offline The Tokytot

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 12:27 AM

The number of views is one of my favorite numbers: 161! Now, after about 123,701,281,283,7983.141592653589793238462... years, I have gotten myself to write the true first(more like half of it) chapter, and here it is:

 

Chapter First 1/2: The Half Beginning

Tabo and Co.

By The Tokytot

 

Narrator: Welcome to Tabo and Co., where Tabo, Leahu and others star in a stupid comedy. Tabo is the sensible  Ta-Matoran who is friends Leahu, the weird Le-Matoran who makes terrible puns!

 

*A red and orange Ta-Matoran wearing an orange Pakari is sitting in a plain wooden chair*

 

Tabo: That would be me, Tabo! *squirms uncomfortably* Why did I ever get this chair?

 

|FLASHBACK|

 

Narrator: Tabo, I need you to get this chair and put it in a tree.

 

Tabo: Why?

 

Narrator: Because I'm the Narrator.

 

Chair: He has a point there.

 

|FLASHBACK END|

 

Tabo: Since when could chairs talk?

 

*A light green Le-Matoran with purple feet and wearing a turquoise Miru pops up behind Tabo*

 

Leahu: HIYA!

 

Tabo: GAH! *falls out of tree*

 

Leahu: NIce tree-fall!

 

Tabo: I don't think that was a free-fall anyways

 

Leahu:  :lookaround: Uh...ATARI! *throws Atari 2600 controller at Tabo*

 

Tabo: OW! Why did you do that?!?

 

Leahu: No reason.

 

Tabo: Why me?

 

???: You're right, this chair is uncomfortable!

 

Leahu: Oh, where are you chair, my only love.

 

???: Excuse my manners, my name is The Tokytot. I'm the author. B-)

 

Tabo: Who were your parents? Naming someone "The" is basically a crime! 

 

The Tokytot: *facepalms* No,no,no! That's my whole name!

 

Leahu: Just like ??? is a name.

 

The Tokytot: Yeeeaaaahhhh. Anyways, I'll explain myself for the audience [somewhere] out there. I wear a navy blue tuxedo, navy blue pants, a navy blue top hat (always), and an orange bowtie, shoes, and Pakari. I'm a Matoran of Noodles (Because why not) and I'm also quite sensible.

 

Tabo: Finally, someone who likes my style. Excuse me, I have one question.

 

Leahu: BANANA?!?

 

Tabo: No.

 

The Tokytot: What is it?

 

Tabo: How the heck do we get out of here?

 

The Tokytot: Oh dear, I haven't thought that far ahead yet.

 

Leahu: *triumphantly standing one foot on a rock* I HAVE! *presses a big red button in his hand*

 

*With a bright flash, the scene changes to a huge grassy field with a broken-down wooden shack*

 

Tabo and The Tokytot:  <_<

 

Leahu: Save the emoticons full of gratitude for later!  :D

 

Tabo: There's no place like back at the tree! There's no place like it! *grabs button and presses it*

 

The Tokytot: Nothing happened...

 

Leahu: It's one time use.

 

Tabo: *pulls Leahu towards him and looks him in the eye* What have you done?
 
Leahu:  :shrugs:
 
The Tokytot: Chapter End!
 
Tabo: WAIT!
 
The Tokytot: What?
 
Tabo: How many words does this chapter have?
 
Leahu: This chapter has ... Kanohi
 
Tabo: No
 
Leahu: YES
 
Tabo: No
 
Leahu: YES
 
Tabo: No?
 
Leahu: =
 
Tabo: ?
 
Leahu: 523
 
Tabo: 8?
 
Leahu: This chapter has x*8 words
 
Tabo: This is a short chap-
 
The Tokytot: 1/2 CHAPTER END!
 
:pakari: Tokytot Productions (Pretend the Pakaris are orange and have navy blue top hats.)  :pakari:
 
The Tokytot: You found the 1/2 Epilogue! *looks around* Keep it a secret...
 
Tabo: I gotcha covered. *winks*
 
Leahu: I gotcha covered too! *Puts covers over the The Tokytot*
 
All Except Leahu: No.
 
Leahu: Awwww... Why no emoticons?
 
The Tokytot: They're can't become invisible.
 
Leahu: Oh.
 
The Tokytot: *looks at audience* Would you guys like me to post a story that I wrote in real life? It's about Tabo and Leahu. Or would you like me write a fresh one (starting from chapter 2nd 1/2) in a new style that I, myself prefer (and maybe you would)? I would appreciate your feedback.
 
Leahu: *pulls out infected mask emoticon* Here.
 
Tabo: Woah buddy! Watch where you're waving that emoticon!
 
The Tokytot: You're going to get us caught!
 
Leahu:  :infected: Too late!
 
Tabo: Why You!
 
*Tabo tries to grab Leahu, but is held back by The Tokytot*
 
The Tokytot: Hold on!
 
*Tabo breaks free*
 
Leahu: AHHHHHHHH!
 
The Tokytot: FIRST 1/2 EPILOGUE END!

Edited by The Tokytot, Apr 24 2015 - 03:49 PM.

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#2 Offline Umi Tryon

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 11:23 AM

This introductory chapter throws characters at the audience far too quickly. The progression is incredibly forced, with characters appearing almost immediately and without any prior build-up. Although possible to have a multitude of characters appear, yours simply enter so suddenly that people become confused at why they're there.

The overuse of emoticons tends not to add much to humour, and the interactions between the characters seem quite random and unnatural. I cannot determine what type of narrative you are aiming for either. Everything simply happens far too quickly.

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#3 Offline The Tokytot

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 01:48 PM

I changed it. Is it better?

 

P.S. This is my first comedy


Edited by tokytot, Jul 10 2014 - 03:58 PM.

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#4 Offline Umi Tryon

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Posted Jul 10 2014 - 08:14 PM

The plot still progresses far too quickly, and you're overly reliant on sudden absurdities and emoticons for humour. 

 

Also, the formatting: overly bright colours and italics makes it difficult to read.


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#5 Offline The Tokytot

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Posted Apr 24 2015 - 03:52 PM

I have restarted the story! I want your feedback on whether I should change the style (you'll understand if you find the secret). I have a better understanding of writing now.


Edited by The Tokytot, Apr 24 2015 - 04:32 PM.

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#6 Offline TinkerTech

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Posted Apr 26 2015 - 11:17 AM

I hadn't read the original chapter, So I cannot say much on how it has improved. I can say that you still have a lot of room for improvement.

 

-Your characters seem well-developed; you know who they are, their personalities, how they interact with each other. Maybe show a little more of that in the chapters; Does one's personality irritate another? How long have they known each other? Are they friends? Or Matoran who barely tolerate each other?

 

-You use the script format for your comedy; while this isn't bad by any means, it can be a bit of a pain to read if not done well. (This is the part where I wish 10 years of history hadn't been deleted from our archives so I could show you a good example.) You have a pretty good handle on it, but there's always room to improve. You also have good spelling and grammar, which is important (poor spelling and grammar makes a story unclear and reaaaallly hard to read.)

 

-Your story and plot progression is what suffers the most in this particular chapter. Right now it appears that it's two random matoran making random jokes with no sort of connection or reason. Really good stories do not rely on jokes to amuse their audience. They tell a story that happens to have a lot of funny happenstances. For now, give your characters either an event they must react to or a goal to work towards. It doesn't have to be as dramatic or complicated as taking the ring to Mordor; maybe they just need to get across town in time for a concert.

 

-The last I heard, we don't have a word count anymore, so you don't have to worry about meeting a bare minimum. Still, I would not reccomend extremely short chapters. How long your chapters are depends on what happens within the chapter, or your own personal writing style. (Mine have a tendency to reach 3-4,000 words as of late.) If you have a decent plot or storyline, you won't have a problem extending the story. If you just string a few jokes together, it's going to be harder to achieve a decent length. I would recommend 500-1,000 words for a decent chapter length, which isn't hard to reach at all if you know what you're doing.

 

 

So, You have a lot of potential. A couple steps I would recommend taking to improve are making a plot for your characters, and maybe fleshing out your characters a little more. If you really want, maybe take some time in real life to read play or movie scripts; Analyze them and see how they use their format to share information. (A good one to read that should be easy to find is The Importance of Being Earnest, by Oscar Wilde.) But most of all, keep reading and writing. The only way to improve is with practice!


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Defy Expectations


#7 Offline The Tokytot

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Posted Apr 27 2015 - 08:21 PM

Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it and I want to give some responses to what you said.

 

-You use the script format for your comedy; while this isn't bad by any means, it can be a bit of a pain to read if not done well. (This is the part where I wish 10 years of history hadn't been deleted from our archives so I could show you a good example.) You have a pretty good handle on it, but there's always room to improve. You also have good spelling and grammar, which is important (poor spelling and grammar makes a story unclear and reaaaallly hard to read.)

 I didn't feel too good about writing in the script format anyways. I like to write in a semi-prose style. I'll give you an example.

 

[Example]

Leahu, why do you strive so hard to make puns? "I don't know, Tabo." Leahu had never really though why he tried so hard to make puns.

[Example]

 

-Your characters seem well-developed; you know who they are, their personalities, how they interact with each other. Maybe show a little more of that in the chapters; Does one's personality irritate another? How long have they known each other? Are they friends? Or Matoran who barely tolerate each other?

 

I too felt that I needed to explain the relationship between characters. Tabo and Leahu are the best of buds and have been for the longest time, by the way.

 

 

-Your story and plot progression is what suffers the most in this particular chapter. Right now it appears that it's two random matoran making random jokes with no sort of connection or reason. Really good stories do not rely on jokes to amuse their audience. They tell a story that happens to have a lot of funny happenstances. For now, give your characters either an event they must react to or a goal to work towards. It doesn't have to be as dramatic or complicated as taking the ring to Mordor; maybe they just need to get across town in time for a concert.

I can see what you mean. I have better writing on paper. I might have just let myself go, because I usually try not to be too random (this is a little too random).

 

 

-The last I heard, we don't have a word count anymore, so you don't have to worry about meeting a bare minimum. Still, I would not reccomend extremely short chapters. How long your chapters are depends on what happens within the chapter, or your own personal writing style. (Mine have a tendency to reach 3-4,000 words as of late.) If you have a decent plot or storyline, you won't have a problem extending the story. If you just string a few jokes together, it's going to be harder to achieve a decent length. I would recommend 500-1,000 words for a decent chapter length, which isn't hard to reach at all if you know what you're doing.

I guess I thought it would be funny or something to make a joke about it, but it's not.  I can see how it serves no purpose with such short chapters. I have such short chapters because the script format doesn't flow with me. If I make another chapter or remake this chapter (again), then I will probably use the semi-prose format I mentioned before.

 

 

So, You have a lot of potential. A couple steps I would recommend taking to improve are making a plot for your characters, and maybe fleshing out your characters a little more. If you really want, maybe take some time in real life to read play or movie scripts; Analyze them and see how they use their format to share information. (A good one to read that should be easy to find is The Importance of Being Earnest, by Oscar Wilde.) But most of all, keep reading and writing. The only way to improve is with practice!

I do have a lot of potential. I think my skills were a tad bit hindered by the script format. Fleshing out my characters would be fairly easy, because Tabo and Leahu are the two favorites out of all the characters I have made up all on my own. I might use some narrating (by my character) to explain characters and how their text is displayed. I have typed a story with narration before and I think it's pretty good. I could create a plot and/or purpose too. I have several pages of writings (most of the pages are story involving Tabo and Leahu) in my semi-prose format, and people seem to say they're pretty good (I make sure they're not lying for my feelings).The story with the narrative is written like the ones that people seem to like (it's not too random and everything isn't over-explained).  I have a lot of practice. I would post one of my favorite and best writings (I could keep writing it on here, as it'snot yet finished) , but it's on paper and I'm too lazy to type it out or scan it (I write squished sometimes too). I definitely have room for improvement, though. Luckily, this is one of my worse writings, so I could for sure bring in something bigger and better: something that has better jokes, something that doesn't rely on jokes, and something that explains the characters more, but not too much. I truly felt that something was wrong in all those areas. Thank you for showing it to me more. Now, I am finished with this post.

 

~The Tokytot~ 


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