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Metru Nui: the Fall ~ Review Topic


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5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline LanceMuch7

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Posted Jul 29 2014 - 10:59 AM

This story is supposed to introduce the most important character in a game I'm slowly developing on ROBLOX.com. I meant for this to be a short story until I wrote 2-3 chapters worth in one day... with only half of what I needed to be told. :???: So, I decided to make this a short epic rather than a ridiculously long short-story.

 

The story is written the same way that all my stories have been so far: a paragraph here and a few lines there. So, despite proofreading it best as I can, I know there are still going to be mistakes and extra words running around in the text. I'll appreciate anyone pointing them out as you find them.


Edited by LanceMuch7, Jul 31 2014 - 08:44 AM.

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Every hero is born from his enemy; every leader, his followers; and every father, his children.
 
 
 

#2 Offline TheMegazordman1

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Posted Jul 29 2014 - 04:08 PM

Its a very interesting story so far I like the fact of it being through the eyes of a matoren from what i can guess is at the moment in the story line where the Toa Metru are going around collecting the kanohi disk . Interesting to note your story takes place in the past of bionicle where as mine takes place in the far future of the story , I just though that was a cool counter partish thing .   great job I cant wait to see more .


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#3 Offline LanceMuch7

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Posted Jul 31 2014 - 08:54 AM

Thanks, yeah by chapter 3 the Toa Metru should be just realizing that they need to save the Matoran. After re-watching parts of Bionicle 2, I decided to edit in some changes to "Turaga Dume's" speech to fit in better with the movie


Edited by LanceMuch7, Jul 31 2014 - 09:27 AM.

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Every hero is born from his enemy; every leader, his followers; and every father, his children.
 
 
 

#4 Offline LanceMuch7

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Posted Aug 05 2014 - 08:12 PM

The fourth and final chapter has now been posted, although I feel like it could be fleshed out better.

 

What do you guys think? This has been the first story that I've completed, so comments and critiques are very welcome. Should I think about spreading out some of the events with more details, are there too many details, should I go cry in a hole and never attempt writing again :P, etc.?


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Every hero is born from his enemy; every leader, his followers; and every father, his children.
 
 
 

#5 Offline TheMegazordman1

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Posted Aug 07 2014 - 05:01 PM

I just finished reading the last chapter and I must say its a great story  I found it interesting of how you had it be from the eyes of a matoran that survived with out being stuffed in a pod for who knows how long .  It was a great refreshment on the story . I also liked how you tied it in with the toa metru . Do you plan on showing his adventures on the island of  mata nui as well ?


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#6 Offline LanceMuch7

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Posted Aug 07 2014 - 11:28 PM

Yes, I do plan to write about what's next on Mata Nui. One of the edits I still need to make is a sort of "To be continued" link to my website after the end.

I've already taken a few stabs at writing sections of Part 2, which will be through the eyes of at least one of Avoma's creations. That and the final part to follow are still a long ways away from even starting to be posted though.

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Every hero is born from his enemy; every leader, his followers; and every father, his children.
 
 
 




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