Posted Oct 28 2011 - 01:36 AM
"Let me realize that my past failures at follow-through are no indication of my future performance...
...They're just healthy little fires that are going to light up my resolve."
Posted Oct 28 2011 - 12:25 PM
Posted Nov 02 2011 - 11:23 AM
Three great comedies at one low, low price....NOTHING!
Kicking the Bucket (archived)
Three late-middle age matoran think of something they want to do before they kick the bucket.
Choose Your Own Bionicle Adventure (archived)
Navigate your way through a myriad of meaningless choices as you try to not make a fool of yourself in perhaps the only comedy ever written almost entirely in spoiler tags.
Useless BZP Junk that you Must Have!!!
Get to your phone, whip out your credit card, and prepare to buy some useless BZPower related junk that has no benefit on society except that you want it!!!
Posted Nov 02 2011 - 02:47 PM
This is a signature that describes me as a person. Lazy, dry, and overall just a procra...
*insert placeholder signature here*
Posted Nov 05 2011 - 10:14 PM
Edited by TheMightyFighty, Nov 05 2011 - 10:14 PM.
Posted Jan 11 2012 - 04:07 PM
There’s nothing wrong with this technically, but when I saw this word my first impression was that this poem was about some really tall toa. I had to do a double take for me to realize that you were talking about the number of toa. It might have made more sense if you said “above the other teams of toa.” Also why does their number single them out for recognition?
Toa Regmar.On walls and scrolls they stand apart,Above the other Toa,Not for deed or duty, role or riseBut for size. They were thirteen strong.
I feel that there should be a "their" on the second line as well. It doesn’t make sense to put it in the first and then drop it in the second when they both have the same structure. I also think that the punctuation should be consistent. There should be two commas or two semicolons, but not both. The second semi-colon should be colon; you’re introducing a list.
Their homelands are lost;Powers and masks are footnotes,Even names are lost in smudged ink and weathered stoneSave two; noble AravAnd poor, mean Carr.
Again, keep the subject here. This entire sentence feels awkward. How do sure orders, clear eyes, and a proud heart (keep the article) lend themselves to victories? Do victories borrow them? It’s very important to go over sentences like this and read them out to see if they actually make sense. A better sentence would be: “His sure orders, clear eyes and proud heart gave him many victories.”
Arav was deemed leader, and bore it well.Sure orders, clear eyes, and proud heart lentItself to many victories. And beside him alwaysWas Carr. Ne’er a warrior before, only a reluctantOne thence, but his spirit was true. Stories aboundOf thwarted assassins, protected flanks, even brunt of fire
Blastborne—all with modesty. Four virtues, it (was) said,Burned in his heartlight—three for the watching Spirit,The final for Arav.
“At death” is just an awkward turn of phrase. Good old “he was not dead” will be fine here.
He lay immobile, limbs limp, eyes closed,Face set in repose, suggesting the peace that only theDead may lay claim to. Yet the claim was false;He was not at death, though he played it well. His heartlightFlickered as a beacon to a bobbing junk—a lighthouse to theSoul, which had left stable Body to brave the ephemeral Sea.
This verse was a bit jarring for me. First, we have all these long, compound and complex sentences, and they all of a sudden we have short fragments. With periods. I don’t know if this exactly what you were aiming for. I think that Carr’s apparent death would deserve this jarring treatment more than the aftermath.In conclusion, I felt there was a bit of dissonance between this poem’s content and its structure. This has the content of an epic poem; it tells a definite story. I suggest you read some epic poems and study their content. Most of them are not written in free verse. Not all of them rhyme, but all of the ones I have read have fairly equal stanzas, definitive rhythm, and a clear structure. I’m not suggesting that you stick to this because everyone else has done it, but think about it for a moment. Free verse poems tend to describe singular events, emotions, and image. I love free verse poetry, and I love writing it; but this is the sort of poem meant to be sung around a fire, telling a clear story that is structured more like a prose peace.Also be careful with archaic language. It’s applicable to grammar and usage laws just like normal english. Good luck, and keep writing. ^^
He was, yet was not.Half a being.Arav had brought him back, told a taleOf heroism and sacrifice.“The twelve-and-a-halfth member,”With a quirked smile.The moniker stuck.
Hatchi - Talli - Ranok - Lucira - Morie - Akiyo - Yukie - Shuuan - Ilykaed
My bones are hollow, that's where I keep my marrow
This quiver in my lip, that's just where I keep my arrows.
0 user(s) are browsing this forum
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users