[Review Topic] Bionicle: Sacred Profane

[Seltz]

With the advent of a return, and a possible reboot to bionicle, I've been thinking about doing my own little complete re-telling and re-imagining (since Greg mucked up the feel and the lore after 2003, in my opinion).  If y'all like this, I'll post the rest when I'm done with it.

 

This story follows a matured Matoran, a Toanga, on his journey to defeat the enigmatic Makuta that has plagued the island of Mata Nui for countless centuries.  Mata Nui has been without Toa for several millennia, so all that this Matoran has on his side is sheer willpower, and those who wish to fight beside him. 

 

 

 

So, this is one of my first posts here.  Have at me!  I thrive from criticism.

Edited September 13, 2014 by Seltz

[Quisoves Potoo]

Non c'est pas mal. Attempting a re-imagining can be a tricky business, what with the temptation to dote on the similarities and differences in respect to the source-material, so I'm impressed with what you've shown so far of your world. The writing's not half-bad, either.

 

Onewa is definitely well characterized. I'm not so sure about Dushka. He comes across as somewhat generic in the first chapter, but then, Onewa does most of the talking, so I shall have to wait for more exposure of his personality before I pass judgement.

 

All in all, I look forward to the following chapters of this saga. It could easily go wrong, but done well, it could go marvelously well.

 

P.S. You say that "Greg mucked up the feel and lore after 2003." What aspects of the feel and lore are you referring to? Greg may have been the lead writer, but he didn't decide a lot of the feel or the lore. You are entitled to your opinion, obviously, but I hate to see Greg blamed for all of Bionicle's woes, as if he were the sole director of Bionicle's story.

 

P.P.S Is the word "Toanga" connected in any way to the word Tohunga?

Edited September 13, 2014 by Quisoves Pugnat

[Seltz]

Has to be the most reasurring and inspiring thign someome's said about my writings.  Usually it's like "your (barely revealed) character X did Y wrong, 2/10 would not read". 

 

And yeah, I use Toanga because Tohunga is an actual word in Maori, and it ain't classy to steal words like that, especially when they get about it (see: that lawsuit from some Maori group back in 2001ish)

[ToaDraconixMahvi]

Not bad, my friend. I just got back from a sabatical away from technology, and this is the first visit back to the bzpower epics i have made. I read the story so far, and i like it. I like the whole "one who takes" deal, i like that a lot. It seems to fit the perfect re-imagining that i have merely thought about, in the deepest corners of my mind. You are a good writer, my friend. A very good writer. Please, make more of this. You are among the most interesting writers i have ever read the first chapter of the book of, and i for one willingly admit to being impressed. Btw, what gave you the idea for this "one who takes" scarring thing? I really want to know!

[Seltz]

Not bad, my friend. I just got back from a sabatical away from technology, and this is the first visit back to the bzpower epics i have made. I read the story so far, and i like it. I like the whole "one who takes" deal, i like that a lot. It seems to fit the perfect re-imagining that i have merely thought about, in the deepest corners of my mind. You are a good writer, my friend. A very good writer. Please, make more of this. You are among the most interesting writers i have ever read the first chapter of the book of, and i for one willingly admit to being impressed. Btw, what gave you the idea for this "one who takes" scarring thing? I really want to know!

I just emulated what tribes do, what with self-scarring and the religious implications thereof. Then I added the obligatory "Unity, Duty, Destiny" thing.  I suppose what makes what I did interesting is just in the way that I wrote it.  Which is good, because usually I think my writing is pretty rubbish.

 

Thanks man!  This will update slowly, given my schedual, but It'll be updated. 

[Portalfig]

Alright, two chapters in and I can safely say you've gotten me invested in the story.  

 

You have a definite sense of place in this world you've created. Maybe it is just because this is so familiar yet different to me, but this world feels very lived in and alive right now, which is super cool. From the references to things we understand and have heard time and time again, (Bohrok, Onewa, Makuta) to the different ways they are portrayed and where this deviates from the canon (That jab at Vakama, a culture that doesn't wear masks all the time), it really fills out this world. It also helps that you have a very "High Fantasy" sort of feel in the chapters so far. You mentioned that the tone was something you felt was lacking in the later years of Bionicle, and that belief certainly comes through in your writing.

 

Really enjoyable stuff so far!

 

I really look forward to more from you, and will be on the lookout for more chapters!

[Seltz]

Alright, two chapters in and I can safely say you've gotten me invested in the story.  

 

You have a definite sense of place in this world you've created. Maybe it is just because this is so familiar yet different to me, but this world feels very lived in and alive right now, which is super cool. From the references to things we understand and have heard time and time again, (Bohrok, Onewa, Makuta) to the different ways they are portrayed and where this deviates from the canon (That jab at Vakama, a culture that doesn't wear masks all the time), it really fills out this world. It also helps that you have a very "High Fantasy" sort of feel in the chapters so far. You mentioned that the tone was something you felt was lacking in the later years of Bionicle, and that belief certainly comes through in your writing.

 

Really enjoyable stuff so far!

 

I really look forward to more from you, and will be on the lookout for more chapters!

Awesome!  And yes, this is my way of "tightening up" the jumble of lore that Greg plopped on us.  Also, I want to not only tighten it up, but I want to re-imagine some aspects of it so it's not just the same universe over and over. 

 

So glad people like this!

[Seltz]

ok i was trapped in an oil painting for a while but now i'm back, gonna update the story soon

oh and i changed "toanga" to "tuakana" because toanga sounds dumb and tuakana is maori for "upper", and it's supposed to mean "upper-class"