Spherus Quest

[Toa Cykron]

Spherus Quest: An Episodic Comedy Adventure

 

Character Bios coming soon...

 

 

Preface

 

Once, every 1000 cycles of the machinations of the known and unknown dimensions of existence and non-existence, a comedy line dances into the Grand Ol’ Oprey of life that escapes the meager limits of language cobbled together by the feeble minds of Matoran. Although severely limited in their ability to describe the glorious lovechild of hilarity and wit that is this comedy, many eons of intense delegation among the foremost seers and scientists that are able to call a giant robot their home have refined their sacred chants into a few sentences…

 

“Pretty good, but I was a little lost there, and this guy already did something like that a year ago. Here’s the link. I’m getting a mod to close this thread.”

 

So much for the tongues of Matoran.

 

Regardless, this comedy has seen fit to grace the presence of your computer screen, Bionicle fan. In doing so, it has caused the room you are now sitting in to be saturated by holy light, and converted your pc or phone or tablet or magic mirror or potato into a holy computer. You’re welcome. Your specific device can now run Battlefield 4 on medium graphical settings and comes with a gift card for 20 dollars in Steam wallet funds.

 

…

 

Wait, why are you still here?

 

Huh, you still want to read this?

 

Really?

 

Wow, ok…

 

Gosh, really?

 

That’s super cool of you.

 

To be honest, I didn’t think anybody would get this far. I guess I’ll write something up real quick

 

Well, here you go.

 

 

CHAPTER 1

 

The Toa Nuva begin to discuss with the Agori leader Raanu the terms for building a Matoran refuge on the newly reconstructed planet of Spherus Magna. Although now considered beautiful and life sustaining, the planet still had its share of new dangers and challenges...

 

Tahu: That direction. It’s perfect.

 

Raanu: Our Thornax  bushes are that way.

 

Tahu: Okay… that other perfect direction. Right there.

 

Raanu: That’s our other Thornax spot.

 

Tahu: That way?

 

Raanu: Thornax

 

Tahu: (Points up)

 

Raanu: Thornax

 

Tahu: (Points down)

 

Raanu: Thor-

 

Tahu: (Points angrily at Lewa)

 

Raanu: Hmmm…

 

Tahu: What’s with you people and Thornax!?

 

Raanu: What’s with you people and living!?

 

Tahu: Look, we need a place to build a freaking Matoran City! For Matoran! By Matoran! Maybe if you, like, grew food instead of Thornax you wouldn’t be subsisting off of a gladiatorial combat system

 

Raanu: Don’t be confoundin’ me wiff yur fancy orthopedics, boy. I like my innards where they be.

 

Gali: Sir, this may be a better question: where are the Thornax NOT?

 

(Raanu’s eyes glass over)

 

Gali: Sir?

 

Lewa: I think you broke it.

 

(Gali splashes water on the Agori’s face)

 

Raanu: I told ya’ he was lyin' on the floor this mornin’!

 

Onua: Easy, old timer.

 

Agori: Sorry, youngins, I thought I heard somebody mention Thornax and a negative word in the same sentence…

 

Kopaka: Sir, we just need an area where the Agori wouldn’t mind us building a new home for the Matoran.

 

Raanu: Why are you white?

 

Lewa: Ohmygosh…

 

Kopaka: We’re not going there.

 

Cykron: Yes sir.

 

Kopaka: Any ideas old man?

 

Agori: I had a few , Casper, if you’d let me think.

 

Kopaka: Ok we’re already done professionally.

 

Cykron: Couldn’t resist.

 

Pohatu: I just had a super cool idea!

 

Onua: No

 

Pohatu: Brother, there are no Mahi around. Anywhere. At all.

 

Gali: Wait, what Mahi?

 

Onua: (Sticks finger in Gali's face) Exactly. 

 

(Awkward silence)

 

Pohatu: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND YOU KNOW IT.

 

Onua: LIES.

 

Gali: Quiet! What's your idea, Pohatu.

 

Pohatu: . Anyway, why don’t we build a city that can house both Matoran and Agori peacefully?

 

Gali: Sounds good to me.

 

Lewa: Sure.

 

Tahu: Dibs on mayor.

 

Kopaka: …

 

Onua: THEY WERE SO FULL OF LIFE.

 

Raanu: Never eat asparagus before goin’ on a date, boys. Take it from me.

 

Turaga Duma: Dibs on mayor.

 

Tahu: NOW WAIT JUST A SEC- Oh, hello wise one. When did you get here?

 

Turaga Dume: I'm with you, always.

 

Tahu: That’s terrifying.

 

Turaga Duma: Yes.

 

Raanu: Is it dark in here or am I having a stroke…

 

Kopaka: I sincerely hope it’s the latter.

 

Raanu: Ow yep, still white. 

 

(The other Turaga approach, along with other Turaga from other unknown regions of the recently destroyed Matoran Universe)

 

Vakama: Have we reached a verdict, friends?

 

Tahu: Raanu should not be leading his own life, let alone a nation of Agori.

 

Vakama: Yes, we will take care of that soon enough. (Scary music plays. Raanu eats a fig newton, because that’s what old people eat.) 

 

Cykron: This writing stuff is easy!

 

Vakama: Have you come to a conclusion of where to build a new Matoran/Agori city?

 

Gali: We have a few ideas.

 

Vakama: (Gesturing for the other Turaga to form around him) Let’s hear it.

 

Roughly ten minutes later…

 

Duma: Then it is decided. We will arrange a small scouting party of six capable Matoran to venture into the newly reformed wilds of Spherus Magna in order to find the ideal location for our new city.

 

Whenua: Why only six?

 

Duma: It’s served us pretty well so far.

 

Whenua: Why Matoran?

 

Duma: Because we need all of the Toa we can spare to guard the rest of the Matoran here.

 

Whenua: Why…

 

Cykron: Because I came up with this story in the five minutes between calculus and english class.

 

Whenua: Ah.

 

Duma: Any other questions?

 

Whenua: Well, I-

 

Duma: Anyone at all?

 

Whenua: I just-

 

Vakama: I think we’re good here.

 

Nuju: *Whistles*

 

Vakama: Haha oh, Nuju!

 

*Everyone laughs*

 

 

*Raanu dies*

 

Stay tuned for Chapter 2!

Edited September 24, 2014 by Cykron

[Pohatu: Uniter of Stone]

This was surprisingly good! Looking forward to the next chapter.

[Ghidora131]

This really reminds me of Metru nui: what you didn't see.

Keep up the good work!

[TinkerTech]

Hello there! Friendly Traveling critic stopping by to review your comedy and give you some fun hints and tips!

 

As per my usual reviews, I break the comedy down to basic sections: Plot, Humor, Mechanics, Characters, etc... At the end, I give a summary and some suggestions for improvement, if necessary.

 

So let's get started!

 

Part 1: Plot

 

The plot is one of the most essential parts of any story; it provides the action and motivation for the characters. Your plot for this comedy is the search for a new home for the matoran/agori to share peacefully. It's a strong base that will be easy to work off of-it will also eventually have an end, which is a good thing. By knowing how the story ends, you can keep yourself from writing the story into a corner. It may be tempting to add sub-plots or side-stories, but be careful; they're fun, but they also have a chance to derailing the story and heading off on its own into another corner. (I'm not saying don't do them, just be careful about how they are used.)

 

As you only have the first chapter, I've yet to see how your plot progresses. But it has a good start and is easy to build on. (Pun totally intended.)

 

Part 2: Writing Mechanics

 

It doesn't matter how good your comedy is; if it is unreadable, no one will read it. You've done a really good job separating your introduction and the body of the comedy itself into different sections, both easy to read (Although the intro has a lot of big words and a run-on sentence that was a bit of a pain.) You also have excellent spelling and grammar; I wasn't lost at all, except in the beginning with those scary big words.

 

Something to consider is how you format actions. As a script comedy, any movement of the characters must be noted via stage directions, as they are called in actual scripts. (MINI-RANT: Stage directions can vary, although they are usually brief to allow for the creativity of the director. They usually do not denote every detail, and require more imagination on the behalf of the audience. They can range from simple Move DSL to the huge, flowery prose seen in certain musical scripts. (Seriously, one scene would take half the space it does in the script if it weren't for the stage directions. INSANE.) END MINI-RANT) Regardless, not only is it important to note where the characters are and how they move in the story, but also separating these parts clearly from the dialogue. Usually, this is done with italics, especially in theatre scripts. * Asterisks can also be used, but they are not as effective.* As long as they are clear, however, you shouldn't have a problem. (Sorry for the rant; Theatre student's point of view.)

 

Part 3: Characterization

 

We haven't met the main characters yet; just supporting characters who do a good job in setting up the story. They're very well written and obviously have depth. I can't wait to see what you do with the main characters. One thing to be aware of is using the author avatar in the story proper. Either have a cut to the author at his desk, or denote when said avatar comes and goes. It's a little odd to picture him standing there and breaking the fourth wall like it's no big deal. (This ties into the stage directions and noting actions.) In my personal opinion, the less the author appears in the actual story, the better. This isn't the author's story, it's the characters'. They can pop up in the intro and closing every now and then, but they shouldn't interact or help/hinder the characters on their quest. This can (Inadvertently) lead to Mary Sueing, which is bad and not very fun to read.

 

I like where these characters are going, though.

 

Part 4: Humor

 

This is another important part of Comedy. A comedy that isn't very funny isn't a comedy. (Unless we're using the Elizabethan variation which just means it has a happy ending.) The fig newton joke in particular made me laugh, even if it isn't particularly true. The jokes are tastefully written, with one exception: The "Why are you white joke?", mostly because it requires either having watch the particular show its from, or a really good knowledge of pop culture. (I sort of have the latter.) Although I do appreciate that Kopaka stopped the joke cold in its tracks (Again, pun totally intended.) Be careful about using these; if the audience hasn't seen/read the material referred to, they won't get the joke. It's another of those use them, but use them wisely things. (Like bombs. Use bombs wisely.) They are also natural, and don't seem forced. 

 

SUMMARY: (DUN DUN DUH!)

 

I like this comedy. You have a solid plot, good characters, amazing formatting, and great humor. All of my criticisms are nit-picky things that you are free to ignore, but I'll list them again here for your convenience:

• Use stage directions a little more, and make sure they can be clearly recognized as such.
• Be careful about the use of the author avatar; he shouldn't influence the story world directly.
• Be careful about using pop culture references/jokes.
• Take another look at your opening paragraph. You have a scary run-on sentence or two up there that makes the paragraph painful to read. (Maybe the big words made it seem longer. I dunno.)

So congratulations on writing an excellent comedy! And may I be the first to say, Welcome to BZPower!