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Adventures of the Bara Magna Sets!

Bara Magna Bionicle Comedy

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10 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Oct 07 2014 - 12:12 AM

Hello everyone. I would like to present my first attempt at a Bionicle comedy here on BZP entited 'Adventures of the Bara Magna Sets!' Its kind of enspired by the 'The Bionicles try to run a house' series that was very popular back in heyday of BZP. The difference for my comedy, though, is that I will mostly be using 2009 Bionicle characters. Don't ask me why. When I came up with the idea for this comedy, all I could picture was 09 characters. :P

 

I should also point out that I usually prefer to write dark, serious stories, but I've decided to try writing this to challenge myself as a writer. I don't know how far I'll get, but I think I have some fun ideas for some stories that people will like. :)

 

And I've rambled on long enough. Here is my first chapter. Enjoy!

 

Chapter One: The Beginning....with Muffins

 

 Once, there was a house in a random neighborhood. It was a regular two-story house, with a living room, bedroom, closets, and anything else a typical house would have. But there was one major difference between the residents of this house and the other people living in the area:

 
This house was run by Bara Magna Bionicle sets.
 
These are the random and insane stories that happened with these characters in that house.
 
*****
 
'Tarix and Gelu are relaxing on the couch in the living room, watching a cooking show on TV'
 
Tarix: I love watching these shows!
 
Gelu: That great, buddy. But do we have to only watch the ones that involve cooking muffins?
 
Tarix: Of course. All other cooking shows are lame compared to the ones that show me how to make delicious muffins!
 
Gelu: .....Okay, that's an...odd....opinion.
 
Tarix: It's a fact, Gelu.
 
Gelu: Says who?
 
Tarix: SAYS ME!
 
Gelu:....sure.
 
Tarix: 'Sighs' Great, all this talk of muffins is making me crave them even more than usual.
 
Gelu: Really? You ate like six of them two hours ago! How on Bara Magna can you eat that many when you have the stomach of a 7 inch tall set?! 
 
Tarix: You can never be full when it comes to muffins.  B-)
 
Gelu: Yeah, well, I say that you need to pace yourself. You eat muffins like they are going extinct. In fact, we have muffins in the kitchen right now that you could have anytime. There isn't any rush, man.
 
'Gresh, Tarduk, and Vastus run into the room'
 
Tarduk: Guys, listen up! Malum and his Vorox are trying to steal the rest of the muffins from the fridge!
 
Gelu:....Of course they are.
 
Gresh: Wait, what are they doing in the fridge?
 
Vastus: 'Shrugs' Ask muffin-nut over there. Maybe he knows.
 
Tarix: MY MUFFINS!  No, not my muffins!
 
Gelu: Your Muffins? They are for all of us, mate.
 
Tarix: Oh yeah, our muffins.  :)
 
Vastus: We need your help to stop them before they steal them!
 
Tarix: Then lets go!
 
'He and Gelu jump off the couch to the floor and the five take off to the kitchen'
 
Gresh: Wait!
 
Tarix: No one waits for muffins!
 
Tarduk: Particularly Malum at the moment.  :P
 
Tarix: 'smacks Tarduk in the head with his staff' 
 
Tarduk:  :dazed:
 
Gresh: No, wait. Does anyone else think that we could possibly be running into a trap?
 
'Two Vorox suddenly appear in front of them'
 
Vastus: Wow, they just popped out of thin air! 
 
'Would you rather me say that they emerged from the carpeted ground beneath you?'
 
Vastus: Well, that might be difficult for them to do, but it would make more sense.
 
'I'm going to stick with what I originally said.'
 
Vastus: But Vorox can't just appear out of thin air!
 
'You want me to be make you look like Metus?' :evilmad:
 
Vastus: WHAT?! No!
 
'Then be quiet, you moron.'
 
Vastus: Fine.
 
Gelu: Good call. No one deserves to look like Metus.
 
Metus: from the other side of the house "Hey!"
 
Tarduk: Hey geniuses, we still have these Vorox to deal with!
 
First Vorox: RRROOOAAARRR!!!
 
Second Vorox: Squeak
 
'Everyone stars at the second Vorox in bewilderment'
 
Second Vorox: squeak, squeak, chirp.
 
First Vorox: 'Facepalm'
 
Gresh: Well, that's not very threatening.
 
Tarix: OUT OF MY WAY! I MUST SAVE MY, I mean our, MUFFINS! 'he rushes forward, picks up the first Vorox, and throws it across the room and into a two foot brick wall that no one noticed was there before'
 
Second Vorox:  :OMG:
 
Tarix: MMMMUUUUFFFFIIIIINNN PPPPOOOWWWEEEERRRRR!  :smeag:
 
Gelu:....And he's lost it.
 
Second Vorox: runs away screaming 'SSSSSSQQQQQUUUUEEEEAAAKKKKKKK!!!'
 
Gresh: Yep, not that threatening.
 
Tarix: We have no time to lose, guys! To the Kitchen! 'he then proceeds to throw everyone on his back and run full speed into the kitchen' 
 
To be continued.
 
Comments and Criticism appreciated!

Edited by I Am A Walrus, Jan 08 2015 - 11:33 PM.

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#2 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Oct 13 2014 - 11:12 PM

Chapter Two: Muffins and Sports
 
'Meanwhile, on the kitchen counter, Malum, a villainous exile who thinks he knows about every sport in existence, but actually doesn't, is taking with his new partner, Strakk'
 
Malum: Strakk, I'm so glad you've decided to deflect and join the team of Malum, Vorox, and Co. Incorporated.
 
Strakk: Thanks, man. I'm glad to be hear it. I got so tired of hanging out with that weirdo Ice Tribe. Especially Metus. He was just a odd creature.
 
Metus: 'from across the house' HURTFUL!
 
Strakk: And I'll be even happier when we are feasting on those muffins!
 
Malum: We will be doing exactly that once my Vorox get the fridge open.
 
'Nearby, on the kitchen floor, Twelve Vorox are pulling on a rope attached to the fridge door, desperately trying to pull it open.'
 
Malum: Though I do wonder why they are in the fridge. Wouldn't they go in the cabinet?
 
Strakk:  :notsure:
 
Malum: No matter. Soon we will have them. And no one is going to stop us! Well, There is one Soccer team in Canada that would, if they knew I was here.
 
Strakk: Why would a Canadian Soccer team want to stop us?
 
Malum: Odd legal reasons. But worry not, they don't know what we are up to, so no one can stop now!
 
'At the moment, Tarix, with Gresh, Tarduk, Vastus, and Gelu over his back, burst into the room. Only for Tarix to then drop them on the ground.'
 
Gresh: Ow! 
 
Gelu: Well, that was rude.
 
Strakk 'to Malum': Didn't you have guards blocking the entrance to the kitchen?
 
Malum: I thought I did. 'Then he turns to the nearby trash can and see the second Vorox from chapter one cowardly hiding in it'
 
Second Vorox: ........squeak.........squeak.........
 
Malum:  :uhuh:
 
Tarix: Malum, you will not get away with stealing our muffins!
 
Malum: Yeah, well, why don't come up here and stop me?
 
'Tarix, Gelu, Vastus, Gresh, and Tarduk all do flying leaps and land up on the counter'
 
Strakk 'to Malum': Why did you say that?
 
Malum: I didn't think that they had the jumping abilities of Olympic jumpers!
 
Vastus: Alright boys. Lets get them!
 
'At that moment, the Vorox succeed in getting the fridge open'
 
Tarduk: Oh no! They got the fridge open!
 
Gresh: They're going to get the muffins!
 
Malum: TOUCHDOWN! B-)
 
'Everyone stars at Malum in surprised bewilderment'
 
Gelu: Well....that was so not a touchdown.
 
Malum: 'is ashamed.'
 
Tarix: NO ONE GETS MY MUFFINS! 'he grabs Tarduk by the back'
 
Tarduk: Wait, what are you....?!
 
'Tarix then throws Tarduk headfirst into the direction of two Vorox that are about to grab the bag of muffins'
 
Tarduk: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...........'crash'
 
'All three fall and crash land onto the other Vorox below'
 
Vastus 'to Tarix': Why did you do that?
 
Strakk: Yeah, even I'm confused why you did that.
 
Tarix: Because of MUFFINS!  :smeag:  'he then runs, jumps off the counter, and lands headfirst into the floor below'
 
Tarix: Muffin.....power..... :dazed:
 
Gresh and Vastus: 'Facepalm'
 
Gelu: Like I said, he's lost it.
 
Strakk: Take this, fools! 'aims Thornax Launcher at Gresh and fires'
 
Gresh: 'raises swords' Hey, batter batter, hey batter batter.....
 
'he then hits the projectile with his weapon, sending it back to Strakk'
 
Gresh: SWING! 
 
Strakk: AHHHHH! 'gets hit by Thornax fruit, which then explodes'
 
Malum: It's a free throw! B-)
 
Strakk: Whose side....are you on?!
 
Gelu: Now's our chance! 'he and Gresh then rush forward and tackle Malum to the ground'
 
Malum: Hey, that's an illegal goal!
 
Gelu: Its a 'takedown,' you moron.
 
'Gresh turns to see what Vastus is doing, and sees him floating in midair.'
 
Gresh: What the....Vastus, how are you doing that?!
 
Vastus: I don't know! I must've unexpectedly learned how to fly!  :D 
 
'A floating Vorox suddenly appears on the counter'
 
Vorox: No, I it is that makes you float. 'he then flicks his finger, sending Vastus flying into the dirty kitchen sink'
 
Vastus: 'from the sink' Now I'm smell like last night's rotten mash potatoes.
 
Gelu: What the... :???: 
 
'Malum then kicks Gelu and Gresh off him'
 
Malum: Get off me, you cheating football dudes that wouldn't even know how to swing a baseball bat to get the basketball in the golf hole!
 
Strakk: I don't even know where to start on how many things are wrong with that insult.
 
Gresh: Hey, what's with the floating Vorox?
 
Vorox: I am Jedi Vorox, the apprentice of the great Malum!
 
Gelu: A 'Jedi' Vorox? Really?
 
'Yep, we have one of those in this tale'
 
Gelu: Of course we do.  :bored:
 
Gresh:'to Jedi Vorox' Wait, if you have the powers of a Jedi, then why are you apprenticing with Malum?
 
Jedi Vorox: It matters not. All that matters is that he gets what he wants!
 
'Jedi Vorox raises his hand. A nearby drawer opens and a bunch of knifes, forks, and spoons float out of it. He then aims them at Gresh and Gelu'
 
Strakk: Now that's what I'm talking about!
 
Gresh: 'to Gelu' We've in trouble, aren't we?
 
Gelu: That would be an understatement, my friend.
 
To be continued.
 
Comments and Criticism appreciated!

Edited by Toa Smoke Monster, Nov 14 2014 - 01:34 PM.

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#3 Offline TinkerTech

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Posted Oct 17 2014 - 08:15 PM

Hellooooooo there! You are in luck, my friend! For the great and wonderful former CCC Critic Jalina T.T. has come to present you with a detailed review of your comedy like no one has ever seen! 

 

*Cricket Chirps*

 

...Yeah, let's pretend I never said that, shall we?

 

On to the review! In my reviews, I look at each aspect of your comedy such as plot, writing mechanics, characters, and humor. At the end, I give a summary and some tips on how you can improve your work.

 

Here we Go!
 

Part 1: Plot

 

As your comedy is still in its early stages, There is not much of an overall plot to be spoken of. Still, it is obvious to me that what you do have is the start of an overarching story. Comedies in this "Day in the life" Genre typically alternate between single-plot episodes and an overarching plot over several episodes. My recommendation for longer plots is that you start with the beginning and the end; by having a concrete ending, you don't ramble through the story and write yourself into a corner. (No evidence yet, just giving you a tip for the future-from someone who's been there.)

 

Your plot right now involves a dastardly plan to steal all the muffins in the fridge-I think. I'll go over this more in Characters, But right now I'm not sure if the muffins are being stolen out of greed, or if they just happen to be taking the last muffins. 

 

Part 2: Writing Mechanics

 

There's really not that much to say here. Your spelling and grammar is excellent, And the format of the comedy makes it easy for me to read. There aren't any major errors for me to nit-pick. Well done!

 

Part 3: Characters and Characterization

 

This is where your comedy struggles a bit. I have names for all of the characters, but no definitive personality traits for any of them. (Aside from the Muffin guy.) The characters don't have to be perfectly in-line with their canon personalities, but they do have to be able to stand out from each other. Honestly, during the second chapter, I couldn't remember who was who, just because I didn't follow 2009-10 that closely. There were also too many characters introduced within a short time period without any solid definition, so it was hard for me to keep track. 

 

Right now, it just feels like random faces talking to each other. I don't feel any connection to these characters.

 

Part 4: Humor and Jokes

 

This is the bread and butter of a comedy. Since you've stated that Comedy isn't your forte, I'll be a little more forgiving. ;)

 

You do a pretty good job with your humor. There isn't a lot of random word shouting, and the obsession with the muffins is clear, if a little stale. (pardon the pun-I  completely intended it.) The emoticons are a nice touch, although they may be a little much-don't rely on them to tell your tale. (Why is this all rhyming?) You also do a nice job of balancing the heavier moments with the humor-although the jedi vorox does seem a little out there.

 

CONCLUSION: (DUN DUH DUN!)

 

All things considered, you have the start of a great comedy. You have a solid plot and a good balance of seriousness and humor, and your writing mechanics are superb. The only place you struggle is with Characterization. I would recommend finishing up this arc, then start going into detail on the characters. What are their likes? Dislikes? Phobias? Desires? Do they have a goal to reach towards? A dark past or secret? Where they behind the terrible toaster incident of 2013? You don't have to show all this in the comedy, but write it down somewhere. It can provide more depth to characters, even if it isn't seen. Also, only introduce a couple at a time, and make sure they are distinctive from one another. You are more familiar with the 2009 characters than I am, so keep that in mind when you are writing. (Also, do these choices make sense in the context of the story?)

 

Another idea I'd like to throw your way is more on how these sets get around the house. How are they jumping/climbing up to the couch on a regular basis? How have they not been spotted by the milkman? How do they pay the bills?

 

All in all, the start of a great comedy. For your first time, You've done a fantastic job! I hope you take these tips and use them to improve all of your works!

 

-Jalina T.T.

 

(we used to give a score, but there's not a lot to compare this against right now. For now, just consider your comedy as Very Good.)


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Defy Expectations


#4 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Oct 18 2014 - 01:54 PM

Hellooooooo there! You are in luck, my friend! For the great and wonderful former CCC Critic Jalina T.T. has come to present you with a detailed review of your comedy like no one has ever seen! 

 

*Cricket Chirps*

 

...Yeah, let's pretend I never said that, shall we?

 

On to the review! In my reviews, I look at each aspect of your comedy such as plot, writing mechanics, characters, and humor. At the end, I give a summary and some tips on how you can improve your work.

 

Here we Go!
 

Part 1: Plot

 

As your comedy is still in its early stages, There is not much of an overall plot to be spoken of. Still, it is obvious to me that what you do have is the start of an overarching story. Comedies in this "Day in the life" Genre typically alternate between single-plot episodes and an overarching plot over several episodes. My recommendation for longer plots is that you start with the beginning and the end; by having a concrete ending, you don't ramble through the story and write yourself into a corner. (No evidence yet, just giving you a tip for the future-from someone who's been there.)

 

Your plot right now involves a dastardly plan to steal all the muffins in the fridge-I think. I'll go over this more in Characters, But right now I'm not sure if the muffins are being stolen out of greed, or if they just happen to be taking the last muffins. 

 

Part 2: Writing Mechanics

 

There's really not that much to say here. Your spelling and grammar is excellent, And the format of the comedy makes it easy for me to read. There aren't any major errors for me to nit-pick. Well done!

 

Part 3: Characters and Characterization

 

This is where your comedy struggles a bit. I have names for all of the characters, but no definitive personality traits for any of them. (Aside from the Muffin guy.) The characters don't have to be perfectly in-line with their canon personalities, but they do have to be able to stand out from each other. Honestly, during the second chapter, I couldn't remember who was who, just because I didn't follow 2009-10 that closely. There were also too many characters introduced within a short time period without any solid definition, so it was hard for me to keep track. 

 

Right now, it just feels like random faces talking to each other. I don't feel any connection to these characters.

 

Part 4: Humor and Jokes

 

This is the bread and butter of a comedy. Since you've stated that Comedy isn't your forte, I'll be a little more forgiving. ;)

 

You do a pretty good job with your humor. There isn't a lot of random word shouting, and the obsession with the muffins is clear, if a little stale. (pardon the pun-I  completely intended it.) The emoticons are a nice touch, although they may be a little much-don't rely on them to tell your tale. (Why is this all rhyming?) You also do a nice job of balancing the heavier moments with the humor-although the jedi vorox does seem a little out there.

 

CONCLUSION: (DUN DUH DUN!)

 

All things considered, you have the start of a great comedy. You have a solid plot and a good balance of seriousness and humor, and your writing mechanics are superb. The only place you struggle is with Characterization. I would recommend finishing up this arc, then start going into detail on the characters. What are their likes? Dislikes? Phobias? Desires? Do they have a goal to reach towards? A dark past or secret? Where they behind the terrible toaster incident of 2013? You don't have to show all this in the comedy, but write it down somewhere. It can provide more depth to characters, even if it isn't seen. Also, only introduce a couple at a time, and make sure they are distinctive from one another. You are more familiar with the 2009 characters than I am, so keep that in mind when you are writing. (Also, do these choices make sense in the context of the story?)

 

Another idea I'd like to throw your way is more on how these sets get around the house. How are they jumping/climbing up to the couch on a regular basis? How have they not been spotted by the milkman? How do they pay the bills?

 

All in all, the start of a great comedy. For your first time, You've done a fantastic job! I hope you take these tips and use them to improve all of your works!

 

-Jalina T.T.

 

(we used to give a score, but there's not a lot to compare this against right now. For now, just consider your comedy as Very Good.)

First off, I want to thank you for giving me such an in-depth review of my comedy. It is really helpful for me because reviews like these help me improve as a writer, which is something I truly want to do. So thank you. :)

 

Now to your bullet points:

 

1. I do agree with that. I definitelly don't want to write myself into a corner. :P I will definitelly take your advice on this.

 

2. I strive to make sure all my grammar is correct before I post anything on any forum. Even though sometimes I think faster than I type, and accidentally forget to type words into some of my sentences. :P But I'm glad you believe my grammar is good here.

 

3. Now that you mentioned it, I guess I did introduce a lot of characters in a short amount of time. Sometimes I forget that some people will not recognize those names as much as others. I will probably do as you say and give the character already in the story some mor time to develop before introducing more. Because I do have more 2009 characters that I plan on using down the line. 

 

4. Well, I'm glad someone believes this is funny. I was afraid people wouldn't think so. As for the emoticons, I really enjoyed the comedies I read here that used a certain number of them. I guess its just a personal taste of mine. I tried to avoid overusing them in my chapters, but I guess it just depends on the person when it comes to deciding how many, if any, one should use in a chapter. I will still keep your advice in mind though. 

 

As for Jedi Vorox.....yeah, he did come out of the blue, didn't he? He's a character that I thought of when I was coming with ideas for this comedy. I thought he would be a neat little twist to the story, though my execution on that might not have been the best. But I don't plan on him being a one-off character just to make Star Wars jokes with. I do plan to use him in stories where I think he would good in.

 

Conclusion: I will develop these characters more in future chapters. I will also answer the questions you asked, like how they get around the house. 

 

Again, thanks for the wonderful review!


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#5 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Oct 20 2014 - 08:53 PM

Chapter Three: The Fight Continues
 
'Meanwhile, while all of this is going on' Tarix is just getting up from crashing stupidly headfirst into the ground from the cabinet'
 
Tarix: Ow, my aching head....why is the world so....blurry....?
 
'The disoriented Tarix looks up and sees a Vorox staring at him'
 
Vorox: Roar!
 
Tarix: ......Mother?
 
Vorox:  :???: 
 
Tarix: Mother, what are you doing here? And why do you have a tail?
 
Vorox:  :blink: 
 
'Suddenly, Tarduk appears, jumps off the Vorox's back, and grabs Tarix's arm'
 
Tarduk: Come on, you fool! We have to run!
 
Tarix: From what? 'looks behind the Vorox in front of him and see eleven more angry Vorox charging straight at him and Tarduk'
 
Tarix: Why are there twelve versions of my mother coming at us with spears?
 
Tarduk: What are you talking about? JUST RUN!!!
 
'The two take off as the Vorox pursue them. They then find themselves running in a big circle as the Vorox chase them'
 
Tarduk 'to Tarix': Do you have any plans?
 
Tarix: Of course not. I can barely deal with one of my mothers, let alone twelve of them.
 
Tarduk: Will you snap out of it! THINK ABOUT THE MUFFINS!
 
'Just the sound of that word snaps Tarix back to sanity. Or at least, as sane as he ever will be'
 
Tarix: Oh yeah, MUFFINS!
 
Tarduk: Glad you're back to your regularly crazed senses, dude. 'dodges Thornax Fruit shot at him by a Vorox' Now will you think of something before we get blown to pieces!
 
Tarix: You think of something! You got us into this mess!
 
Tarduk: Me? YOU THREW ME INTO THIS MESS!
 
Tarix: Well, I don't have any ideas!
 
Tarduk: Neither do I!
 
Tarix: WHAT? You're suppose to be smart when it comes to tough situations!
 
Tarduk: That's Gresh, you fool! And you're a Glatorian like him. You're suppose to protect me, not throw me headfirst into the enemy! Literally!
 
'As the two fight among themselves, the Vorox realized that they are still chasing their prey in a huge circle, and that they could've stopped them minutes ago when they thought of it. So six of them stop and allow the others to chase Tarix and Tarduk in another loop before finally trapping the Glatorian and Agori between them'
 
Tarix: Now what do we do?
 
Tarduk: Maybe the others can help us?
 
'They look up and see Gelu and Gresh screaming in terror and running for their lives as they dodge flying forks, knifes, and spoons.'
 
Gelu and Gresh: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
 
Malum: FOUR! B-)
 
Strakk: 'Facepalm'
 
Tarduk: What is going on up there?!
 
Tarix: This is it. This is the end of me! And I never got a chance to eat one last muffin!
 
'At that moment, Malum looks down and see the twelve Vorox surrounding Tarix and Tarduk'
 
Malum: YOU FOOLS! You don't need all of you to contain them! Three of you go get the muffins!
 
Strakk: Wait, where are the muffins?
 
'Both he and Malum turn and noticed that the bag of muffins had disappeared from the fridge'
 
Malum: What the....?
 
Jedi Vorox: Gone, the muffins are, lord Malum.
 
Malum: I have eyes to see that, you moron. <_< 
 
'At that moment, a Thornax Fruit strikes Jedi Vorox, exploding and sending him crashing the ground. This causes him to lose control of the forks, knives, and spoons, which then fall harmlessly to the ground'
 
Gresh: Thank goodness. Who knew flying utensils could be so dangerous?
 
Gelu: Hopefully that is the last weird thing that we see today.
 
'Gelu Gresh, Malum, and Strakk then turn to see who fired the Thornax Fruit, and see a mash potato covered Vastus coming towards them'
 
Gelu: Never mind.
 
Vastus: Hey, I said I was going to smell like mash potatoes. I don't say stuff like that because I want to be cool.
 
Gelu: No one would say that to be cool.
 
'Jedi Vorox then floats back into the air'
 
Jedi Vorox: Pay for that, you will! 'he attempts to force push Vastus, but it has no effect on him'
 
Vastus: Silly Vorox. Everyone knows that the Force has no effect on mash potatoes or beings covered in them.
 
Strakk: How on earth does that make any logical sense?
 
Vastus: Well, have you seen mash potatoes attacked by someone with the Force before?
 
Strakk: Well...no....
 
Vastus: Then you can't say that it isn't immune to it, now can you.
 
Malum: ENOUGH OF THIS! 'he then points his Launcher at Vastus. Gresh and Gelu point their launchers at Malum and Strakk, Vastus points his at Jedi Vorox, Strakk points his at Gresh, and Jedi Vorox points his at Gelu'
 
Malum: This is just like a quintuple overtime game of golf.
 
Strakk: 'facepalm' I give up.
 
Malum: Except I have the advantage! 'he then whistles, and nine Vorox carrying a tied up Tarix and Tarduk jump onto the counter next to him. They then aim their launchers at the captives'
 
Tarix: I'm never going to eat another muffin again! :crying: 
 
Tarduk: I'm about to die alongside this stupid fool! :crying: 
 
Malum: 'To Gresh, Gelu, and Vastus' Lower your weapons, or they will go through a fate worse than losing the Superbowl!
 
Strakk: One of these days, I'm going to teach how make better threats.
 
To be continued

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#6 Offline Dallior

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Posted Nov 14 2014 - 01:07 PM

Nice job, Toa Smoke Manster! Looks like the guy who grammar edited my epic is more than just a grammar Nazi! :P Jk, jk, jk, you're an awesome author! Good luck with this series!


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"Remember when the comics forum had a lot of good stuff? Let's make that a thing again." -Kazi the Matoran


#7 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Nov 14 2014 - 01:39 PM

Nice job, Toa Smoke Manster! Looks like the guy who grammar edited my epic is more than just a grammar Nazi! :P Jk, jk, jk, you're an awesome author! Good luck with this series!

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you enjoyed reading my comedy. Like I said in the first post, comedy isn't my biggest strength as a writer, and that this is a challenge for myself. But I'm glad others are still liking it. :)

 

I'm already working on the next chapter. I hope to have it posted sometime next week. And again, thanks for the comment!


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#8 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Nov 22 2014 - 03:34 PM

Chapter Four: The Arm Wrestling Challenge
 
Gelu: Alright, Gresh. What are we going to do? If we don't surrender, Tarix and Tarduk could get seriously hurt by Malum's Vorox.
 
Gresh: I have an idea. I might lose a little dignity from it, but it appears I don't have a choice.
 
"He then takes a couple steps towards Malum and Strakk"
 
Gresh: So we are at a standstill, it seems. Right?
 
Strakk: Well, we do have two of your allies as hostages. So I wouldn't call this a 'standstill.' Its more of a 'we have the bigger advantage than you' situation.
 
Gresh: Whatever. I have a deal for you, Malum.
 
Malum: What kind of deal? You have nothing I want.
 
Tarix: Don't give him our muffins!
 
Tarduk: We don't even have any muffins anymore, you moron.
 
Tarix: WHAT?! I can't live....without my muffins.....! "Faints"
 
The nine Vorox holding him and Tarduk :annoyed:
 
Gresh: Actually, I do have something you want, Malum. A challenge.
 
Malum: What kind of challenge?
 
Gresh: An arm wrestling challenge. :)
 
Gelu: Really, that is your plan? Your great idea is to 'arm wrestle challenge' our way out of this?
 
Strakk: I'm also skeptical about that, and I'm not even on your side.
 
Jedi Vorox: Agree, I do, that that is weird
 
Malum: Now wait a moment. I want to hear him out. 'turns to Gresh' Explain yourself, Glatorian?
 
Gresh: Simple. You and I have an arm wrestling match, consisting of just one round. If I win, Tarix and Tarduk go free and all of us walk away from this unharmed.
 
Malum: And if I win?
 
Gresh: We will give you Metus. I believe his horrendous looks would make for a great punishment for whoever gets on your bad side.
 
Metus: 'from the other side of the house' THAT IS HURTFUL, DUDE!  :madgo:
 
Gelu: Well, his looks would give someone some massive nightmares.
 
Jedi Vorox: The Force itself is greatly disturbed by us just bringing his looks up.
 
Vastus: CAN WE GET THIS MOVING! I'M NOT SMELLING ANY BETTER OVER HERE!
 
Malum: Fine. I accept your challenge, Glatorian.
 
'Malum and Gresh both lower their Thorax Launchers and walk towards each other. One of the nine Vorox pulls up a small table with two chairs that it took from a nearby Barbie playhouse from them to sit at and arm wrestle. And yes, there is a Barbie playhouse in this giant house.'
 
Malum: 'takes a seat in one of the chairs' You know, I'm going to beat you worst than any soccer team that has beaten a soccer team from Antarctica.
 
Gresh: 'takes the other seat' Um, Antarctica doesn't have a soccer team.
 
Malum: Exactly. :)
 
Gresh:  :blink:
 
Strakk, Vastus, Gelu, Tarduk, Jedi Vorox, and the nine other Vorox: 'Facepalm'
 
Malum: Now let's do this.
 
'Both competitors reach out their right arms, grabbed each others hands, and place their elbows on the table.'
 
Malum: Count us down, Strakk.
 
Strakk: Sure, but do you want me to start at five or at three?
 
Malum: What does it matter? Just start at either one of them.
 
Strakk: It DOES matter, Malum. Five seconds will give you more time to build up your strength in preparation to beat your opponent before I say 'GO!'
 
Malum: Then start there.
 
Strakk: BUT if I start at three, it gives Gresh less time to build up his strength in preparation to beat you.
 
Gelu: That's...kind of a pointless self-debate you are having there if you think about it, mate.
 
Malum: I'm going to beat him regardless. So just start counting down!
 
Strakk: But I don't know what your strategy is to win this!
 
Gresh: What 'strategy' do you need to beat someone in arm wrestling?
 
Malum: He actually has a point there. It doesn't really take too much thinking.
 
Strakk: Everything requires strategy to some extent!
 
Tarduk: Why not just start at four, and meet yourself in the middle?
 
Jedi Vorox: Stupid, that just is.
 
Vastus: CAN WE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF MUFFINS GET ON WITH THIS!
 
Tarix: 'wakes up' Did someone say 'muffins?'  :br:
 
Tarduk: 'to Vastus' You just HAD to say 'muffins,' didn't you?
 
Gresh: 'turns to Malum' Do you want me to count us down?
 
Malum: Might as well.
 
Gresh: Alright. Three, two, one, GO!
 
'Both Gresh and Malum throw all their strength into their right arms as they try to push the other's arm to the table. After a few seconds, Malum begins to push Gresh's arm closer to the table'
 
Malum: Like I said, I'm going to win this, Glatorian.
 
Tarduk: You can beat him, Gresh!
 
Gelu: Well, Malum has twice the strength of Gresh. So I don't think that is actually possible.
 
Vastus: And you didn't bring that up two minutes ago because.....?
 
Gelu: Because it is what I 'think'. I don't 'KNOW' what's going to happen!
 
Gresh: 'to Malum' You may be stronger than me physically, Malum. But you are not....wait. 'he suddenly points to his left with his left arm' Is that the New York Giants over there?
 
Malum: WHAT? WHERE?
 
'Malum suddenly turns in excitement in the direction Gresh is pointing. With his concentration now broken, Malum's arm is easily overpowered by Gresh's, who slams it into the table'
 
Gresh: Yes! I won!
 
Strakk: No you didn't. You cheated!
 
Malum: You lied to my face to brake my focus so that you could beat me because you knew you wouldn't win otherwise. That is EXACTLY what I would've done! :D
 
Gelu: Wow, I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction from him.
 
Malum: 'turns to the Vorox holding Tarix and Tarduk' Release the hostages.
 
'The Vorox do as they are told, releasing Tarix and Tarduk. Both of them run over to Gresh and Gelu'
 
Strakk: WHAT? You're just going to let them go?
 
Malum: He beat me at a challenge, Strakk. I have to uphold all deals made when they are challenge related.
 
Strakk: But he tricked you!
 
Malum: Well, he didn't say that we couldn't trick each other. So he actually didn't cheat at all.
 
Gelu: Well, I don't think that is how....
 
Tarduk: 'jumps on Gelu and covers his mouth' Don't. Say. ANYTHING!
 
Strakk: This would've never happened if I had done the countdown and started it at five.
 
Malum: Oh, for the love of...will someone please slap him!
 
'A Vorox walks up and slaps Strakk in the face'
 
Gresh: Let's....just go, everyone.
 
Vastus: About time!
 
'Gresh, Gelu, Vastus, Tarix, and Tarduk then jump off the counter and walk out of the exit to the kitchen, leaving Malum, Strakk, Jedi Vorox, and the other Vorox bickering over how deals and countdowns work'
 
Gelu: Well, that whole experience was pointless. We didn't even get the muffins for our troubles.
 
Tarix: Wait! The muffins are still missing! :crying:
 
Tarduk: Not again....
 
Gresh: Actually, Tarduk, he raises a good point this time. If we didn't take the muffins, and Malum and his group didn't take them, then who did?
 
To Be Continued.
 
Comments and Criticism appreciated!

Edited by I Am A Walrus, Jan 08 2015 - 11:39 PM.

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#9 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Dec 06 2014 - 01:03 AM

Chapter Five: Meeting of the Missing Muffins

 

One day has passed since Gresh, Gelu, and the others faced Malum, Strakk, and their Vorox in the kitchen. With the mysterious disappearance of the muffins still fresh on his mind, an urgent 'missing muffin' meeting is called by Tarix. It is held in the second floor bedroom. So far, only Tarix, Tarduk, and Vastus have shown up.'

 
Vastus: I'm so glad I finally was able to wash that horrible mash potatoes smell off me. I was afraid that I would smell like that for months!
 
Tarduk: I think you were the only one who was afraid of that, Vastus.
 
Vastus: Hey, pointing out the obvious is Gelu's thing. Let's let him pick apart the insane plan that we will most likely come up with at this 'missing muffin' meeting.
 
Tarix: And speaking of Gelu, where is he? And where is everyone else? I would think at least Raanu would be here by now.
 
Vastus: I think our Agori leader would have more important things to do than worry about absent muffins.
 
Tarix: Well I don't. I NEED my muffins!  :crying:
 
'Gresh and Gelu then enter the room'
 
Gelu: And before you ask, yes, we did decide to voluntarily show up for this.
 
Tarduk: Well, that makes the attendance of this meeting four more than I thought it was going to be.
 
Tarix: Wait, you mean that some of us didn't want to be come to this all-important meeting?
 
Gelu: I do believe that is what he means.
 
Tarix: You are a heartless monster, Tarduk! 'pops Tarduk in the head with his spear'
 
Tarduk:  :dazed: 
 
Tarix: Muffins are missing and you don't want to do anything about it!
 
Tarduk: Says the guy who jumped and crashed landed head-first into the floor thanks to his muffin-induced insanity.
 
Tarix: 'hits Tarduk in the head again with his spear'
 
Tarduk:  :dazed: 
 
Gresh: Actually, I do think this will be an important meeting. Just not for your reason alone, Tarix.
 
Tarix: Well, at least you showed up.
 
Vastus: So when are we starting this? I have to a Halo match to win at 6:00 P.M.
 
Tarix: We need to wait for the others to get here. Ackar, Kiina, Surel, Berix, and the rest haven't shown up yet.
 
Gelu: Since most of them have some brain cells left in their heads, I think they would be smart enough to not waste their time attending what could be a somewhat pointless meeting.
 
Vastus: So you're saying we're morons?
 
Gelu: Yep.  :)
 
Gresh: Let's just get this started, shall we?
 
????: Not without me!
 
'Everyone turns to see Crotesius, the impatient Agori of the house, enter the room'
 
Crotesius: It's about time I joined in on this madness!
 
Gelu: Oh, great. The house's hothead is here.
 
Crotesius: Oh, settle down, Mr. Nitpick. Not everyone can have my charm and stay such an awesome Agori. B-)
 
Gelu: Well, I just established that everyone at this meeting is a moron, so I guess that now includes you.
 
Crotesius: 'glares angrily at Gelu'
 
Vastus: CAN WE GET THIS STARTED ALREADY?!
 
Crotesius: Sure! So...what are we talking about?
 
'Everyone fills Crotesius in on what happened in the first four chapters of the story'
 
Crotesius: Wait, what were the muffins doing in the fridge?
 
Tarduk: I've been wondering that for a while now.
 
Gresh: We shouldn't be talking about the muffins....
 
Tarix: You son of a gun!  > :(
 
Gresh: ...we should be talking about who took them instead!
 
Tarix: That...actually is important to this, so I will allow it.
 
Crotesius: Okay, so who are your suspects?
 
Gelu: Well, we know Malum and his group didn't take them, since they seemed just as surprised as us when the muffins vanished.
 
Crotesius: Maybe he had other Vorox take them, and his group was just acting surprised so that you all wouldn't suspect them?
 
'Gresh, Gelu, Tarix, Tarduk, and Vastus all look at Crotesius as if he had lost what was left of his mind'
 
Vastus: Have you met Malum?
 
Tarduk: He may be a good leader of his Vorox, but an actor he is not.
 
Gelu: A concrete wall could give a better performance than him.
 
Crotesius: Okay...so who else could've taken them?
 
Gresh: I've actually asked some of the others about this. As it turns out, Ackar and Berix were on the roof when our fight with Malum broke out in the kitchen.
 
Tarduk: What were they doing up there?
 
Gresh: Well, you know how Ackar wants to defeat as many different animals in a fight as possible before old age claims his life?
 
Tarduk: Yeah, what about it?
 
Gresh: As it turns out, Ackar's next animal to beat on his checklist was a hawk, so he made a plan to go to the roof, wait for one to show up, then beat it in a fight.
 
Gelu: And he just expected one to show up? Without being baited or anything?
 
Gresh: I don't know, Gelu. I didn't ask for specifics.
 
Crotesius: And I suppose Berix was with him because he bet Ackar that the hawk would beat him, and he wanted to see him defeated with his own eyes. Right?
 
Gresh: Yep.
 
Crotesius: That Berix... placing bets on everything no matter what. I like that guy.
 
Tarix: What does ANY of this have to do with our mysterious muffin thief?
 
Gresh: As it turns out, Berix happened to be looking around in boredom, since a hawk hadn't shown up yet, and when he looked off the roof, he noticed three Glatorian-sized beings in black robes going into the kitchen through the doggie door around the same time we were all in there.
 
Vastus: Three of them? That came from outside?
 
Gresh: Yep. Though he said he couldn't get a good look at them.
 
Tarduk: But if they came from the outside, then they probably didn't travel too far from another location. And if that is true, then that most likely means....
 
Gelu: 'realizing who Tarduk was talking about' Oh no.
 
Crotesius: 'Also realizing who Tarduk was talking about' Oh, this just got really exciting!  :D
 
Vastus: Only you would think that, Crotesius.
 
Tarix: I believe I now know who took them!
 
Tarduk: I think we all do, Tarix. We're not that stupid.
 
Gresh: He's right, guys. I think we can safely say who the culprits are. They are the Skrall!
 
To Be Continued
 
Comments and Criticism appreciated!
 

Edited by The Master Sword, Feb 02 2015 - 03:43 PM.

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#10 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Dec 26 2014 - 03:14 PM

Chapter Six: To the Garage of the Skrall

 
'After obtaining the lead that the Skrall were possibly behind the muffin thefts, Tarix, Tarduk, Gelu, and Crotesius exit the house and head for the Garage, the home of the Skrall. Gresh and Vastus also went with them, but along the way they were stopped by Berix and Ackar and asked to help them with another one of the latter's achievements. Gresh insisted that they should go with Tarix's group, but Gelu assured him that they were just going to talk with the Skrall, and nothing more. So Vastus and Gresh went with them'
 
'Now Tarix, Gelu, Tarduk, and Crotesius sneak through the kitchen and out the doggie door, making straight for the Skrall's Garage'
 
Crotesius: I really hope I get to see something exciting on this quest!
 
Gelu: I wouldn't get too excited, Crotesius. The Skrall really don't normally attack anyone unless someone attacks them first. So if you wanted excitement, you probably should've gone with Gresh and Vastus.
 
Crotesius: And miss out on meeting the great Tuma? No way! Something interesting has to come out of that!
 
Tarduk: As long as we are polite and respectful to him, Tuma shouldn't have a problem with us asking him if he knows anything about the recent events.
 
Tarix: I'm going to find the Skrall that took my muffins and feed them to wild Rock Steeds!  :burnmad:
 
Tarduk: I hope.
 
'The trio makes it to the Garage door, where two Skrall are standing guard at the front garage door'
 
Tarduk: I hear that the great Tuma has almost 100 Skrall at his command in that garage. And he only has two standing guard at their front door. Anyone else find that to be a little weird?
 
Tarix: I'll be sure to acquire about his staffing of guards after I get my info on my missing muffins.
 
Gelu: Maybe I should do the talking, Tarix. You are not exactly in the best state of mind to speaking to these guys at the moment.
 
Tarduk: When is he ever in a good state of mind? :P
 
Tarix: 'hits Tarduk with his staff'
 
Tarduk:  :dazed:
 
Crotesius: No offence to you, Gelu, but you will probably annoy them to death with your negativity. Let a true spokesperson handle this!
 
'With that, Crotesius puts on a big smile and walks causally up to the two Skrall. One of them, named Skrall 46, slams the tip of his sword into the ground as a signal for Crotesius to stop'
 
Skrall 46: Speak your business here, Agori.
 
Crotesius: I don't have a business here. I don't have a business anywhere.
 
Skrall 46: That is not what I meant.
 
Crotesius: Then what did you mean?
 
Skrall 46: I was asking why you have come here.
 
Crotesius: Then why didn't you just say that, you confusing dolt?
 
Skrall 46: 'kicks Crotesius straight up into the air. He then lands hard at Gelu's feet'
 
Gelu: Great job, spokesperson.
 
'Then Tarix, with spear in hand, approaches the two Skrall'
 
Skrall 46: State your business here, Glatorian.
 
Tarix: Muffins.
 
Skrall 46: I'm sorry, what?
 
Tarix: I'm here for the business of kidnapped muffins!
 
Skrall 46: .....I have no idea what you are talking about.
 
Tarix: Move aside so that we can talk to Tuma, or I will perform my secret technique to take you out!
 
Skrall: 46: If you explain yourself, whatever it is you're threaten to do may not be necessary.
 
Tarix: You have two seconds to comply.
 
Skrall: 'turns to the other Skrall, named Skrall 87' Do you have any idea what this guy is talking about?
 
Skrall 87: Nope.
 
Skrall 46: 'looks over Tarix's shoulder at Gelu'
 
Gelu:  :notsure: 
 
Tarix: Your two seconds are up! Prepared for your doom!
 
'Tarix then leaps back and grabs Tarduk by the back of the neck'
 
Tarduk: Wait, what are you....?!
 
'Tarix then throws Tarduk at full strength straight at Skrall 46. The Skrall then moves out of Tarduk, so that the Agori instead flies headfirst into the front of the garage'
 
Tarduk: How has this...happened to me twice....in two days? 'faints
 
Skrall 46: I.....I don't know how to respond to that.
 
Gelu: Well, they are stunned, in one sense of the word.
 
Tarix: Rats! He dodged him!
 
Skrall 87: 'to Tarix' What did you expect him to do? Stand there and get hit?
 
Tarix: .......Maybe.....
 
'At that moment, a black armored Agori named Atakus opens the front door, a puzzled look on his face'
 
Atakus: What is going on out here? I was just walking by and heard a giant thud on the door 'he then looks down and see an unconscious Tarduk'
 
Tarduk: :dazed:
 
Atakus: And why is there an Agori with a huge bump on his head laying dazed at my feet?
 
Skrall 46: These weird Glatorian and Agori walked up and started insulting us and throwing their friends like projectiles at us. I have no idea why.
 
Tarix: I just told you why! For the power of muffins! B-)
 
Gelu: 'grabs Tarix and pulls him aside' Be quiet and let me do the talking!
 
Crotesius: 'turns to Atakus and the two Skrall' Prepare to fall asleep, dudes.
 
Gelu: 'slaps Crotesius upside the head and turns to Atakus' Listen, we are hear to speak to your leader, Tuma, about a recent event that took place in the kitchen yesterday.
 
Atakus: What sort of 'event'?
 
Tarduk: 'wakes ups in time to hear Atakus's question' We were robbed by three individuals who entered our kitchen from the outside.
 
Tarix: And those three individuals were Skrall, you muffin thief hiders!
 
Gelu: 'to Tarix' Yeah, insulting them even more is what we needed to do right now.
 
Skrall 46: 'pulls out sword and shield' How dare you call three of my kind muffin thieves!
 
Skrall 87: There's a sentence I thought I would never hear a Skrall say.
 
Atakus: And what proof do you have that Skrall were responsible of this accusation?
 
Gelu: It is a matter we would rather discuss personally with Tuma.
 
Atakus: Fine, but it will have to wait until later. It is 4:15 P.M. right now. The great Tuma sees no one, under any circumstances, in that timeframe.
 
Crotesius: How long will we have to wait? I'm itching for some adventures!
 
Atakus: Until after 6:00 P.M, when the great Tuma has recovered emotionally from the wonderful event he is watching right now.
 
Tarix, Tarduk, Gelu, and Crotesius:blink:
 
Skrall 46: I wish I was in their with Tuma and the rest, to watch it again!  :crying:
 
Skrall 87: Hold it together, man. Our time will come......our time will come.
 
Gelu: 'to Crotesius' Looks like we may see something interesting after all.
 
To be Continued
 
Comments and Criticism appreciated!
 
Note: I won't be able to post another chapter for the next couple of weeks. I'm going to be very busy at my job until the first full week of the new year, so I won't have the time, nor most likely the energy, to able to work on a new chapter until then. But I will say that the next chapter will focus on Gresh, Vastus, Berix, and Ackar, and see what they are up to. But if anyone is tired of the muffin storyline, there you go. :P

Edited by I Am A Walrus, Dec 26 2014 - 03:16 PM.

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#11 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Feb 02 2015 - 04:03 PM

And we are back! :) Sorry it took so long for this chapter to get posted. I will try to get the next one up within a shorter amount of time. I hope this chapter is worth the wait. 

 

Chapter Seven: The Hawk

 
'Meanwhile, Gresh, Vastus, Ackar, and Berix were on the couch in the living room, discussing what to do to help Ackar'
 
Gresh: 'to Vastus' I still think we should've stayed with Gelu and the others. They could've used our help.
 
Vastus: I agree, but you do realize that the Skrall might've thought something was up if all six of us, four of us Glatorian, suddenly walked up to their front door, right? They have better odds of a peaceful talk with our neighbors with just the four of them.
 
Gresh: I suppose you got a point there.
 
'Ackar walks up to them' Ackar: And its a good thing he does, because I need help from both of you to help me with my predicament.
 
Gresh: You mean getting a hawk to fight you so that you can check it off your list?
 
Ackar: Yep. :)
 
'Berix then walks up' Berix: Hey, we wouldn't have asked for your help if we didn't need it.
 
Vastus: Shut it, Berix. We all know you are here because you're hoping Ackar will lose.
 
Berix: 'shrugs'
 
Gresh: 'to Berix' Why would you bet that Ackar would lose anyway?
 
Berix: Because my good friend here will give me a solid gold bar if he loses to the hawk.
 
Vastus: A SOLID GOLD BAR?! :o  Gresh, we should get in on that!
 
Gresh: We have more honor than that, Vastus.
 
Vastus: No, you do. I want to be rich!
 
Gresh: How do even have a solid gold bar, Ackar?
 
Ackar: I've saved them up over a number of years, youngling, because that we all did in the old days.
 
Gresh: Did you just call me 'youngling?'
 
Vastus: And why will you give Berix one if you lose?
 
Ackar: Because it was the only way I could get him to help me out.
 
Berix: I'll do anything for a solid gold bar. :D
 
Vastus:.....But...so would I.... 'grabs Ackar by the shoulders and starts shaking him' WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO ME? I WANT A GOLD BAR TOO!
 
Ackar: 'shakes Vastus off him' Enough with the talk of my gold! Can we get back to planning our attack?
 
Gresh: Fine. So, what exactly happened the last time you tried to fight it?
 
Ackar: Well youngling, I actually haven't had a chance to test my wits against it because it hasn't engaged me in a battle yet.
 
Gresh: Did you just call me 'youngling' again? I'm not really that young, you know....
 
Vastus: How have you gotten your previous foes to face you in battle?
 
Ackar: I threw stuff at them. 
 
Vastus: Yeah, that will do it.
 
Berix: We need to give the hawk a reason to fight Ackar and beat, oh I mean FIGHT, him.  :lookaround:
 
Gresh: And throwing stuff at the hawk isn't working?
 
Ackar: It's too far away for me to hit, youngster.
 
Gresh: Did you just call me 'youngster?'  Seriously, I'm not even the youngest person in this group....
 
Vastus: Maybe you could skip it for now, Ackar, and move on to the next beast on your list.
 
'Vastus then looks at Ackar's challenge list, and is stunned by what his next foe is'
 
Vastus: Your next foe is a fire-breathing Mountain Lion?!
 
Ackar: Yeah, I felt I was going easy on myself, so I wanted to up my challenges after beating the hawk.
 
Vastus: By fighting a fire-breathing Mountain Lion?! Do those even exist?
 
Ackar: One does.....somewhere out there in that cruel, new fashioned world of tomorrow.
 
'Gresh and Vastus look give each other perplexed looks'
 
Berix: We can't go after that beast yet.
 
Gresh: Because it only lives in Ackar's strange imagination?
 
Berix: No, because my bet is that I get my prize if he loses to a Hawk, not a Mountain Lion!
 
Gresh: 'facepalm'
 
Vastus: Why don't you just try to lure it down with some food?
 
Ackar: Because there is no honor in that! I want to face me on its own will, Glatorian to beast!
 
Gresh: But....its just a hawk.
 
Vastus: Look, we're not getting anywhere here on the couch. Let's go to the roof and see if we can come up with a plan there.
 
'Vastus, Gresh, Berix, and Ackar then make their way out of the house and to the roof. With Ackar going on a rant about honor all the way there. A hour later, they were all still on the roof, looking for the hawk for Ackar to face'
 
Ackar: Back in my day, a Glatorian would wonder into the woods to face a foe, with nothing but a sword at his side. If he came back alive, we would know that he was a great warrior.
 
Vastus: If I hear one more thing about the old days, so help me I will....
 
Berix: Guys, look!
 
'Up above, circling them in the sky, was the enemy Ackar had been waiting for: the hawk'
 
Vastus: There it is!
 
Ackar: My foe approaches!
 
'The hawk lands at the top of a tree next to the house'
 
Ackar: Hey! Its suppose to come down here and face me!
 
Gresh: Why? We haven't given it a reason to fight you.
 
Berix: And how are we suppose to give it that reason?
 
Ackar: By doing this! 'he suddenly lifts up a stick from out of nowhere and throws it with all his strength. It lands six inches in front of the group'
 
Vastus: I can hear one of Gelu's sarcastic remarks from all the way up here.
 
Gresh: No wonder you couldn't hit it. That was pathetic.
 
Ackar: I would've able to do it when I was younger......back in the old days.
 
Vastus: ENOUGH ABOUT THE OLD DAYS!  :madgo:
 
Gresh: We just need to give it a reason to attack us.
 
Berix: And do you have any ideas on how to do that? Besides trying to fail at hitting it with thrown projectiles?
 
Gresh: 'smiles at Berix' Actually, I do.
 
'Gresh grabs Berix by his back of his neck and takes him back into the house. Twenty minutes later, they both return, with Berix wearing a pink Ken doll sized Easter Bunny costume. And yes, there are Ken doll costumes in the house'
 
Ackar: What. The. Heck?
 
Vastus: :blushlaugh: Now I really wish I had my camera!
 
Berix: If I had a boiled egg, I'd throw it at you right now.
 
Gresh: Stop complaining, Berix. Just think of your reward if Ackar fails.
 
Berix: That is the ONLY thing that is keeping me from tearing this ridiculous costume off!
 
Ackar: And why is he wearing that?
 
Gresh: Simple. We need bait to lure the hawk down. And one of the things that hawks eat are rabbits. And since this is the only rabbit costume we have that fits on Berix, it will just have to do.
 
Berix: 'talking to himself' Think of the gold bar, Berix, think of the gold bar. Think of all the stuff you could buy with it....
 
Ackar: That costume really reminds me of one that I wore to a college party back in the old days.
 
Vastus: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE OLD...wait, what?
 
Ackar: But do you really think that the hawk for fall for something like this? After all, rabbits aren't pink and....
 
'squawk!"
 
'Ackar, Gresh, Berix, and Vastus turn to see the hawk suddenly flying towards them, its talons aimed squarely at Berix'
 
Gresh: Does that answer your question, Ackar?
 
Vastus: HERE IT COMES! 
 
Ackar: My foe approaches again!
 
Berix: OH NO!  :eek:
 
'Everyone dives out of the way as the hawk does a fly by on the roof, almost grabbing Berix as it went by'
 
Gresh: Wow, that bird is fast.
 
Hawk: 'turns around and lands on the roof' SQUAWK!
 
Vastus: 'Squawk?' Hawks don't make that sound.  :blink:
 
Berix: I don't think this is the time to discuss what sounds a hawk makes!
 
Ackar: Finally, I can now challenge my foe! 'draws sword and charges towards the hawk'
 
Hawk: 'swats Ackar away with its wing, sending him flying off the roof and into a nearby rose bush below'
 
Ackar: NOOOOOOOOOOOO.....'crash'........OUCH! There are thorns in here! OUCH!  :cry:
 
Gresh: In hindsight, we probably should've seen something like that happening.
 
Hawk: 'lunges forward again and grabs Berix with its beak'
 
Berix: HEY! Let go of me, you inferior eagle! I'm not a meal for you!
 
'the hawk then begins to fly again, but not before grabbing Vastus with its talons'
 
Vastus: HEY! WHY ARE YOU GRABBING ME?! WHAT DID I DO?!
 
Gresh: 'draws weapon and charges towards the hawk, but he too is swatted away by the hawks wings. He lands hard on the other side of the roof'
 
Vastus: Gresh!
 
Hawk: 'flies off with a struggling Berix and Vastus in tow into the woods'
 
Berix: THIS IS STILL WORTH IT FOR THE GOLD BAR!
 
Vastus: AT LEAST YOU GET SOMETHING FROM THIS! ALL I CAN IS BEING EATEN BY A GIANT BIRD BECAUSE SOME OLD GUY COULDN'T DEFEAT IT!
 
Gresh: 'gets up and looks around just in time to see the hawk fly off with his friends' Great. Now what am I going to do?
 
To be Continued
 
Comments and Criticism appreciated!

Edited by The Master Sword, Feb 02 2015 - 04:04 PM.

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Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.

 

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