Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Dallior

Legends of Sanguivox :-: Forum Review

Recommended Posts

Hello, my loyal readers! This is the review page for my new Epic, Legends of Sanguivox. If you have any concerns or statements to make about the story, post 'em here. Stay tuned for some trivia as to the names of the characters!

  • Upvote 1

"Remember when the comics forum had a lot of good stuff? Let's make that a thing again." -Kazi the Matoran

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You have an interesting beginning to your story here. The idea that a Toa of an element other than air is the official protector of Le-Metru is an unique concept I haven't seen in a story before. (Though I guess it could be argued that Lhikan was official protector of all of Metru Nui in the canon story. :P)

 

I do have a few grammar issues with your first chapter, and they are:

 

 

 

One day outside the besieged village, a Le-Matoran Kigta was exploring the outskirts of their not-so-safe haven, looking for a way to destroy the deadly pest, the Ryu

This would sound better like this: 'a Le-Matoran named Kigta...'

 

 

 

"Uggh, I can't believe what just happened. Those pesky plants attacked our chapel, destroying countless artifacts and Kanohi masks.

Even though Kigta is the only one in the scene in this sentence, you should still specify that he is the one speaking here. Something like '"Uggh, I can't believe what just happened." Kigta thought sadly to himself.' This way, we know for sure who is speaking.

 

 

 

Kigta ran over to the new hero, but he saw a strange thing... the Toa's body was red.

I feel this could be worded better. Maybe something like this: 'Kigta ran over to the new hero and notice that color of his armor was red.' 

 

Sorry if I come off a little nitpicky. I can be a kind of a grammar Nazi. :P

 

But still, its a good start for you story. Keep up the good work.


Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.


 


pc0lX6T.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh, it's totally fine. My language arts teacher was a total grammar Nazi who ingrained into my mind all kind of grammerly correct stuffs (i know, i know, it's "grammatically incorrect" ). Thanks for the comment, though!

 

P.S. The word "sangui" is the Greek/Latin root for the word... (To be answered later)


"Remember when the comics forum had a lot of good stuff? Let's make that a thing again." -Kazi the Matoran

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I read your latest chapter. I'm glad Kigta's friend Irrie addressed why a Toa of Fire would watch over Le-Metru. He was mostly likely not the only one wondering about that. I also liked how you ended the chapter, with Kigta partly infected by the Ryu. It will make for an interesting development in the friendship between Kigta and Sanguivox. 

 

And speaking of being infected by the Ryu, that is a cool power of theirs. Its kind of like being bit by a zombie. It could just spread and spread if left unchecked. :P

 

I do have a grammar nitpick and one minor complaint about the chapter though. The grammar issue is this:

 

 

 

The guards rushed to block the door, but too late.

 

'but it was too late.'

 

The other issue I have is the lack of info on the Ryu having the power to infect others. Even though I did say it was cool, I don't think it was explain enough in the chapter from the characters perspective. I feel like it just came out of nowhere. From the way it was written, at least Kigta and the Turaga knew what the Ryu was doing to the guards. So something could've been said to give it more depth. Do they know if those infected, if they are still alive like the Turaga was, can be healed? Or are they lost to the Ryu forever? 

 

Now I'm not saying that all the answers for this have to be in this chapter. But if any of the main characters knew of it, wouldn't something have been said, just to help the reader understand better what is going on? Maybe Sanguivox could've asked what was happening to them, and Kigta or someone else could've answered him. (Or if they didn't know, they could've said they didn't know either.)

 

Sorry if that is a little rough. I really do like the concept of the Ryu being able to turn beings to its side, dead or alive. I just felt that it wasn't as fleshed out as it could have been from the character's perspective. (Or, if they didn't know anything about it, it wasn't made clear enough in the story.)

 

But this was still an entertaining chapter with good action and a cool cliffhanger. I'm looking forward to seeing how Kigta deals with his infection. :)


Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.


 


pc0lX6T.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Shout outs to Toa Smoke Monster, the unoffical grammar checker of this Epic (thanks!) and to The Irrational Rock, who won the contest and had a character in the story (Irrie) based off of himself. Thanks again for the support, and remember to read Irrational Rock's "Foundations of War". 

 

NEW CHAPTER TO BE PUBLISHED TONIGHT!

 

UPDATE: NO TIME TONIGHT; NEW CHAPTER TOMORROW ON BIONICLE DAY!

Edited by Dallior08

"Remember when the comics forum had a lot of good stuff? Let's make that a thing again." -Kazi the Matoran

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...