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Review ~ Danger Close

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#1 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Nov 01 2011 - 08:50 AM

Danger CloseAn epic by Peach 00....:Chapter Index:.PlanVisitorContemplationDependenceTrustworthyM.D.S.CloserObservationsDelrak's PlanBoarding the CruiserConfrontationAwakeningBeginning the Chase - Part 1In Pursuit - Part 2AftermathDawnThe Beginning - Part 1Going Under - Part 2AmbushClash - Part 1Clash - Part 2Clash - Part 3HiddenTimeThese are so far the chapters I've written out, and the ones I'm planning on posting in the near future. Those aren't all the chapters - there are many more I've yet to write/plan....:Table of Contents:.Toa of RohanToa Rohan: Toa of Rohan, a defense organization including twelve Toa, past leaders and members deceased taking place in the battles of Rohan. The team includes two Toa of Lightning, a Toa of Fire, a Toa of Iron, a Toa of Air, two water-Toa, a Toa of Sonics, a Toa of Psionics, a Toa of Ice, a Toa of Earth, and a Toa of Stone. Their unit includes a group of Matoran named EI, the unit called Enemy Intelligence while Rohan’s military insists of the Elite Stealth Division, a group of trained military people enhanced in their line of expertise—unseen movement, silence, and a reign of quick movements unleashed. These Toa work fast and brutal.Jilin: Leader and Toa of Fire of the Toa Rohan, he is a brave, courageous yet stern Toa who doesn’t take no for an answer. Usually a kind-hearted Toa when not gravely concerned in stacks of papers to be signed and death-threats by Skakdi, he wields a heavy but deadly broadsword of fire. On his face he has a scar resembling a little firelight across his eye in orange. His mask is a scarlet Hau.Silvian: Deputy and Toa of Iron on the Toa Rohan, he bears a grey Kanohi Mahiki, wielding a dangerous flamethrower with him wherever he goes and a spear with his element energized inside. Known to have an identity change on his most secretive missions (a.k.a., ‘Shifter’), most have a debt to pay when crossing his path. Though a humorous and kind-spirited Toa that represents pleasant company in some cases, he is a force not to be reckoned with in battle. In other words, you don’t want to meet him.Talin: Third-in-command and telepath for the Toa Rohan, Talin is a Toa of Water who can be irritatingly calm but stressfully angry if provoked into anger in any way. She carries a dangerous water broadsword, a rope of water enforced out of it when energized with Talin’s element and control over water. It has been known to slice through pure concrete. Her mask is a Kanohi Suletu, controlling telepathic capabilities and has a range of over a hundred miles to hear a being’s thoughts and any intelligence necessary and serious.Spira: A Toa of Lightning on Rohan and part of the Toa Rohan, she is famous among Rohan’s population for her incessant and intricate strategies. A strategist at heart and veteran of the team, Spira is an invaluable force of tactics and strategy. She is possibly the one thing that keeps Rohan safe with her ideas and masterminded schemes that unfold to something that devastatingly resembles disaster, but in the best way possible. Her mask is a Kanohi Komau—she is rarely seen in battle, but is known to have a spear as a weapon, jokingly named “Speara,” by her Toa brothers and sisters. It is known to use lightning as its delivering attack.Tulya: Spira’s ‘twin’ lightning counterpart, Tulya is an ambitious but naïve and young recruit of the Toa Rohan, trained by Spira to become a strategist. Only having been on the team for barely over a year, Tulya is new to the systematic workings of the insides of the Toa Rohan. Her mask is a light blue Ruru while her weapon is as well the same as Spira’s: A lightning spear.Alyssia: Devilish, stubborn, and a complete tomboy, Alyssia is the Toa Psionics on the Toa Rohan with a sense of humor, a blazing hot temper, and perhaps the heels of her boots off the ground ninety percent of the time. She is a skydiving and risky Toa, who’s only perspective of villains is the fact that they only care to kill because it’s laugh-inducing for them. An EI agent, she bears a Kanohi Akaku of a sand-blue color while her weapon is two twin katana blades and a jagged-edged dagger. Alyssia is a blazing temperamental firecracker (as well as being humorous) that is a force not to meddle with.Canan: Toa of Earth of the Toa Rohan, Canan is an EI agent that is quick-witted and can get the job done—right. He’s fast and can have flashy things done in the tightest of situations, and another strategist type. Though not exactly ranked as a strategist for the team, he is highly useful at times and isn’t hard to please with things. He also a stealthy-moved Toa—he bears the Kanohi Volitak and has an earth drill that can usually drill the underneath ground and unexpectedly shroud his enemies in dirt materials.Watua: A playful, enthusiastic, and joking Toa of Air, he is not common to speaking in ‘treespeak’ or ‘chutespeak’. Sometimes he may try to imitate it in a silly but realistic way—he is a part of the Toa Rohan and a strategist of the team, in a rather intriguing field of expertise when scheming. He has a different way of tactics compared to Spira, but is quite useful in rushed attacks. He carries a light as a feather katana, sometimes seen with many pairs of daggers and sometimes a deadly weapon that sprays neurotoxins at his foes, killing them instantaneously. He is only ever alone when using this weapon, though. Watua bears a Kanohi Iden.Atuu: Stubborn, cold, acerbic, astringent, and having an icy attitude, Atuu is hard to cope with as the Toa of Ice of the Toa Rohan. Another EI agent, he carries a ice-tipped spear, and whatever touches it turns to ice immediately. He wears the Kanohi Matatu as his mask, his armor color a dim grey, silver, and white. He is a cooling, icy, and blizzard of bitterness when facing him at all. He is practically stubborn—a secondary weapon he carries is a laser crossbow.Kuhi: A cheerful and humorous Toa of Stone part of the Toa Rohan, Kuhi is known for being prankster, mischievous, sneaky, and incredibly funny. He is an optimist on most things and tries to keep everyone’s spirits up in a time of crisis and can remain calm. He wields a leather-bound crossbow, and is known to be incredibly accurate with it. His mask is a Kanohi Pakari colored a gun-metal grey. As well, he serves his purpose as a strategist.Stelt: A sympathetic, cheerful, and bright Toa of Sonics, Stelt is the thirteenth member of the Toa Rohan, as well an EI and telepath because of being psychic. He normally is known to meditate at his keep at a far side of the Sonics Region, where he follows his visions carefully to understand the new comings of Rohan’s future. He wears a Kanohi Miru, and has a sonic blade—whenever he stabs any place on the ground, or perhaps a wall or floor, the sonic blade creates sonic blasts that have a radius of five miles in a complete circle. He is usually immune to the effect. (P.S.: The name of this character has nothing to do with the island and/or name, Stelt. This name had been a thought-up imaginative name thought of by me.)Litela: The second Toa of Water and final member of the Toa Rohan, Litela is a highly intelligent, quiet yet bright, cheerful, and warm Toa of Water that can offer advice on anything. As well known as the healer of the Toa Rohan, healing is a secondary mind-set power she had taken a trait of in her past unknown. She wears a Kanohi Pehkui and wields ten daggers which she can throw at lightning-fast speed.Matoran of RohanNagii: A Matoran of Lightning and leader of the Elite Stealth Division, Nagii is a cold and emotionless female—she’s a tough and ruthless Matoran who is one not to mess with. She is deadly with many weapons, including daggers and rifles of Rohan’s military. She is a brutal Matoran of combat, and possibly could be invisible if she were standing right in front of someone. Nagii has a determination of doing her work and doing her work good and right. Her training to her recruits of the Elite Stealth is rough and exhausting, extinguishing all strength in one. She intends to make things tough for her recruits to keep them in a good shape for combat. Nagii’s mask is a Kanohi Calix, her armor a dazzling amethyst and her eyes a cooling and icy blue. She is an acerbic force to not be meddled with at best, and highly intelligent to outsmart anyone.Sylin: Sylin is a Ga-Matoran and deputy of the Elite Stealth, as well as commander of the Combat Training division. Sylin is a tranquil Ga-Matoran, sometimes a mystery-solver for most. She wears a Mask of Psychometry, and has a little use over its power to use it in situations. Sylin has been easily involved in Nagii’s missions and is the only friend Nagii can soften to as a friend. Sylin can slightly resemble Nagii in some ways, but mostly, Sylin can be a calm and tranquil force in the middle of a crisis.Delrak: Another Elite Stealth member, Delrak is a De-Matoran and strategist, who has rarely been heard to say anything. Perhaps his only words have resembled something of a scream or a quiet muttering of rambles of things he hated. Otherwise, Delrak’s best usage is silence and quiet tactics. He bears an Akaku.VillainsTikiani: Tikiani broke the Toa’s code when her comrades were in the middle of battle, and she had run when they were surrounded by a group of Zyglak. Three had survived, while the rest were killed. Afterwards, she wandered the universe as a vagabond, when she thought of becoming a mercenary. As a bounty hunter, she was paid for searching for war criminals, her mercenary name ‘Tick’. When roaming an island called Odus, she searched an abandoned city next to a fortress of unknown beings she had heard about - Tikiani decided to infiltrate the fortress. Not succeeding, she was held hostage and offered a position in Lord Uzian’s organization and to be a part of the Dark Hunters. Later accepting it, she found her place as the servant and invaluable mercenary to Uzian. She bears the Kanohi Huna.Fuzan: Having become a Toa of Fire on Rohan, he ran away from Rohan and left, journeying towards an island northwest of Rohan called Krikua. Kidnapped by an unknown Dark Hunter, he was taken prisoner. With some difficulty in taming him, the Dark Hunters turned Fuzan over to Lord Uzian, who soon took Fuzan in his own hands. Afterwards, he was kept at a rank of an ordinary mercenary in Uzian’s organization after he gave Fuzan an offer, and soon Fuzan worked his way to the rank of commander of Lord Uzian’s army. He met Tikiani five years later when she was kidnapped, and becoming a nuisance to her. Once he saved her life, and after that, Tikiani and Fuzan learned to set aside their differences and became ‘good’ friends. Fuzan wears a burgundy Kanohi Felnas.Silio: An unknown being, Silio has a mysterious past. Rumors say that he was once a Toa of Air on a distant bundle of islands called the Echo Islands that are south of Rohan – others say that he was a mercenary found by the Dark Hunters and joined, while the power of shadow was something he gained when fighting a mysterious Makuta. Nobody knows the truth of Silio, only knowing that he is Uzian’s right-hand man. Silio wears a dirty-white colored Kanohi Crast.Uzian: An unknown being, it is unsaid whether he was a former Makuta who betrayed the Brotherhood and joined the Dark Hunters as a mercenary in search of Toa – otherwise, a Toa who found powers greater than most. As a mercenary part of the Dark Hunters, Uzian found that he didn’t have to work for a higher up – but only be the higher up. Traitors of the Toa began to join him as bounty hunters, willing to be a part of his organization, the Dark Ones. Like the Dark Hunters, the Dark Ones’ duty was to destroy most war criminals and Toa if necessary. Lord Uzian’s main target now is to destroy an island northwest of Odus, called Rohan, to take it over and create a base. He wears a Kanohi Jutlin.Colorn: A mysterious female Vortixx from an unknown island, Colorn is a bounty hunter on a search for Toa as prizes in her collection. Though she has been mistaken for a Toa for her power over her water and the color of her armor, the Vortixx has unsaid her gift for the power of shape-shifting. At will, she can change to an unlimited amount of beings and species, even Rahi or underwater creatures. Her regular form is a slender black and emerald-clad Toa bearing daggers in either hand. Her mask in a shape-shifting form is regularly a Kanohi Zaath.Locations/IslandsRohan: Rohan is an island notorious for its bliss island paradise, famous for its tall skyscrapers among its eight cities among the separated regions. Rohan has eight regions that separate different terrains, barriers dividing the regions that are colored blue to separate the temperatures. The borderline barriers can be entered through by walking through it. The regions—Fire, Air, Water, Stone, Ice, Earth, Lightning, and Sonics—were connected by eight separate islands, pulled by magnetic forces by a Toa of Magnetism together. The name was created essentially from the Toa of Magnetism’s name, Rohan, with the famous temple created by his faithful Toa of Gravity comrade, Zerchilek and it so named after him. It is said that if the islands were separated once more, the cores hidden within the regions that keep the magnetic forces strong and feed it further, the island would self destruct with each of the islands blown far away across the seas. The cores connect to the very center of Rohan’s main source, crystal that is mined beneath the center city. If this so happens, Rohan would never be able to be connected once again.Echo Isles: A bundle of islands not far from Rohan. They host many surprising events throughout years, the islands hosting several different groups of tribes that had been against each other. It ended as invading Skakdi were drawn back and the six groups were brought together to fight against the Skakdi. Its founding was unknown, yet they are neighboring isles to Rohan and worthy allies to them. The name was given after a series of killings became of the isles, and it was gossiped—or, as you can say, echoed.Odus: The nestled area for the Dark Ones, Uzian’s organization, as a fortress for Uzian and his band of baddies and bandits. Odus was once a placement of little villages holding Le-Matoran and Matoran of The Green. They were quietly kept there and were not disturbed for years until Uzian stumbled upon the island and thought it was the perfect place for a fortress. He invaded it quickly, and without another group of Matoran’s knowing, Matoran built a city near Uzian’s fortress. It was quickly abandoned as a Matoran discovered the fortress and told his fellow companions and comrades. The area was abandoned and Uzian used it as a base. There are still even the wrecks and ruins of old villages and wooden houses.Fedra-Nui: A distant island far from Rohan but in the central area of Odus. An abandoned city that once was inhabited by Matoran but quickly escaped from after a series of haunts. Zyglak took over the area and were rumored to be the ghosts appearing around the island. Many Zyglak, Rahkshi, and Vahki are still found their patrolling the streets as watchmen.Krikua: An island not far from Rohan, this island once was a peaceful inhabited island quiet and held by De-Matoran. Soon enough, Matoran began to disappear and things became unnatural. One by one, Matoran disappeared, and finally ghost stories became of the island and it was made as an assumption and slightly slim chance of a fact. Alyssia and Kuhi searched and scavenged the island with curiosity after a deal was to be made with a local Turaga that was living there with several Matoran at his side, but were soon finding that they had made a grave mistake of going to the island in the first place..:Author’s Comments:.For now, I’m just glad it’s back up. Go check it out, though, and enjoy the repost.

Story Topic


Edited by Peach 00, Nov 06 2012 - 08:13 PM.

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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#2 Offline Steelsheen

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Posted Nov 06 2011 - 11:50 AM

ECC Review:The premise of one of my favorite TV shows is an FBI agent overloaded by demands from his superiors and following protocol. Your story has a similar idea: Toa on a relatively high-tech island in charge of security and, seemingly, a matoran army. The scene where Jilin is attempting to finish all his paperwork is a funny touch. I certainly would never have pictured a matoran being able to boss around Toa, but it seems to work in your world of Rohan.You appear to have a very vivid picture in your mind, which you try to share with your readers by using quite a lot of descriptions and adjectives.

As twilight was nearing to become an affinity to darkness, the orange-blue skies gradually would become night, as the moon replaced the sun’s brightening rays of light with shimmering essence of greyish-white light.

One thing you should remember, though, is that your pen (or keyboard, in this case) isn't a movie camera. You don't have to describe everything in such minute detail - leave your readers a little room for their own imaginations to kick in, and you'll find they enjoy it more. In this case, less is more.Some of your sentences are a little hard to follow, mostly because you tend to repeat yourself for emphasis. For example:

Nagii scanned [the document] in an immense amount of speedy time, and studied it once more.

All you need to say is:

Nagii scanned the document quickly.

Excessive wordiness is easy to fall into, I know. Remember that if you read your writing aloud to yourself, you hear all the little things that you subconsciously gloss over when reading.You have an excellent vocabulary - spelling "claustrophobia" correctly isn't something that I see often. Your imaginative names and characters are also well done, although you may want to be careful of making some of them just a little too extreme or two-dimensional.Keep writing and improving!-HH

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Current Epic: Life is a Blank - last post Jan. 22
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#3 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Nov 09 2011 - 09:54 PM

ECC Review:The premise of one of my favorite TV shows is an FBI agent overloaded by demands from his superiors and following protocol. Your story has a similar idea: Toa on a relatively high-tech island in charge of security and, seemingly, a matoran army. The scene where Jilin is attempting to finish all his paperwork is a funny touch. I certainly would never have pictured a matoran being able to boss around Toa, but it seems to work in your world of Rohan.

Heh, I loved that scene. As a Toa of Fire, you'd think he'd lose his temper - but I wanted him to differ from that. He keeps his cool, and can play it as cool as a cucumber sometimes. But, that doesn't mean he can't be annoyed ever once in awhile. :P

You appear to have a very vivid picture in your mind, which you try to share with your readers by using quite a lot of descriptions and adjectives.

As twilight was nearing to become an affinity to darkness, the orange-blue skies gradually would become night, as the moon replaced the sun's brightening rays of light with shimmering essence of greyish-white light.

One thing you should remember, though, is that your pen (or keyboard, in this case) isn't a movie camera. You don't have to describe everything in such minute detail - leave your readers a little room for their own imaginations to kick in, and you'll find they enjoy it more. In this case, less is more.

I suppose your right, but I really want the reader to feel like there with the characters, on the island, watching the sunset - to make it descriptive and realistic. Sure, less is more, but I guess their imagination can still basically see what I'm describing. Even if they see the sunset, they can imagine everything surrounding the sunset, like the city/island/etc..

Some of your sentences are a little hard to follow, mostly because you tend to repeat yourself for emphasis. For example:

Nagii scanned [the document] in an immense amount of speedy time, and studied it once more.

All you need to say is:

Nagii scanned the document quickly.

Excessive wordiness is easy to fall into, I know. Remember that if you read your writing aloud to yourself, you hear all the little things that you subconsciously gloss over when reading.

You do have a point. Short and sweet is usually good, and reading aloud is a tip/trick that I need to try. However, I don't just want it to be one small sentence. Nothing added on to it doesn't sound right, I guess, or maybe that's just me, lol.

You have an excellent vocabulary - spelling "claustrophobia" correctly isn't something that I see often. Your imaginative names and characters are also well done, although you may want to be careful of making some of them just a little too extreme or two-dimensional.Keep writing and improving!-HH

Heh, I'm usually pretty good at spelling, but it was still difficult to spell. =P And, I'll keep that advice in mind. Sorry for the late reply, although I'm really thankful for the review. If you ever read any of my other stories, I hope you enjoy. ^_^

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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#4 Online Scanty Demon

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Posted Nov 17 2011 - 05:51 PM

It is a shame that few people have posted here, the story is good. I remember you back on the old forums you wrote a story that Lady Kopaka made famous by posting it here blog is this a sequel that story?Anyway on to my review, first off I'd like to say subverting the stereotypical "BURN STUFF!" personality with the Toa of Fire. Another thing I liked was the fact that this Toa team operates like a real military squadron. Planning, procrastinating, and planning to make plans. It adds realism to the story.I'm going to be a bit knitpicking only because I feel like I have to be. The writing can be a bit purple* at times, but rarely does this distract from the story. Like I said I'm being knitpicky becuase I feel like have to.*When I say purple I mean purple prose which is in a nutshell flowery descriptions of details with heavy use of adjectives. The opposite of purple prose is beige prose which is little or no description of details.Keep up the good work.
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#5 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Nov 20 2011 - 09:23 AM

It is a shame that few people have posted here, the story is good. I remember you back on the old forums you wrote a story that Lady Kopaka made famous by posting it here blog is this a sequel that story?Anyway on to my review, first off I'd like to say subverting the stereotypical "BURN STUFF!" personality with the Toa of Fire. Another thing I liked was the fact that this Toa team operates like a real military squadron. Planning, procrastinating, and planning to make plans. It adds realism to the story.I'm going to be a bit knitpicking only because I feel like I have to be. The writing can be a bit purple* at times, but rarely does this distract from the story. Like I said I'm being knitpicky becuase I feel like have to.*When I say purple I mean purple prose which is in a nutshell flowery descriptions of details with heavy use of adjectives. The opposite of purple prose is beige prose which is little or no description of details.Keep up the good work.

Yeah, that's true. This is indeed the sequel to it, I've yet to link to that epic in my library. And I still have her to thank for making me a more pronounced author on here (or, kind of. =P).Well, I figured the Toa of Fire needed to be excluded from that category. Otherwise, he wouldn't be an interesting character. And, experience from Call of Duty games got that inspiration - playing with people and trying to strategize how to win in the different playlists gives a pretty good realism to them. :PAh...so in other words, I should be somewhere in between prose and purple prose? More leaning towards purple prose, I imagine. But, thanks for the advice! :)Thanks for the review, and I hope you read more! ^_^

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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#6 Offline Inferna Firesword

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Posted Nov 20 2011 - 11:17 PM

First of all, my apologies for being so late to the party.Second of all, kudos for making me laugh: I had no idea that "butterscotch" could or was a legit Bionicle obscenity, but either way it made me giggle. I'll need to find a way to get a character in Wings or Break of Day to say that. :P (Probably Break, since it has some BZP elements in it.)Third of all, I'm regretting being so late. The story itself is fantastic, and while it can get a bit overly-flower-y, it's a small price to pay for such a great story. I'm loving the idea of the Toa being a military unit in an entire army, rather than the police force and army in one. While I confess that I had to skim to be able to read it all fast enough to review, it makes the return to read it all in a slower fashion that much more anticipated, since the world is so well thought-out.Okay, I'm probably rambling now, so I'll wrap it up by saying: keep up your fantastic work. I'll be watching. :)*hits the subscribe button*-Inferna
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Thanks for the memories, BZP. Time for me to leave.


#7 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Nov 21 2011 - 10:36 AM

First of all, my apologies for being so late to the party.Second of all, kudos for making me laugh: I had no idea that "butterscotch" could or was a legit Bionicle obscenity, but either way it made me giggle. I'll need to find a way to get a character in Wings or Break of Day to say that. :P (Probably Break, since it has some BZP elements in it.)

Heh, that would be cool. Well, I can now say I made a common confectionary become an obscenity. XD But, use it in whatever you want. It's just cool knowing other people are using it now. =P

Third of all, I'm regretting being so late. The story itself is fantastic, and while it can get a bit overly-flower-y, it's a small price to pay for such a great story. I'm loving the idea of the Toa being a military unit in an entire army, rather than the police force and army in one. While I confess that I had to skim to be able to read it all fast enough to review, it makes the return to read it all in a slower fashion that much more anticipated, since the world is so well thought-out.

Well, I wanted it to be a big force, not just the Toa Team with an inflated ego or two. Now they have a reason to brag. :P No biggy, by the way. If I were to try reading it all at once, I would probably do the same thing, lol. And thanks, I've been having this story with me for two years trying to plot it out. I'm just glad I finally put it into my own words - it's been a long journey. But whether it will end or not is the question... :sly:

Okay, I'm probably rambling now, so I'll wrap it up by saying: keep up your fantastic work. I'll be watching. :)*hits the subscribe button*-Inferna

Thanks for reviewing Inferna. And thanks for the subscription! :biggrin:(Also, BTW, the Wings review I promised should be soon -- not sure when, but it'll come soon. =])

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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#8 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Dec 04 2011 - 07:07 PM

If I remember correctly, I read this story before the forums went offline. But I've only just recently started reading it again and as of today I have read all of the chapters you have up so far.First off, I would like to say that the Rohan military is well thought out and realistic. One thing you never see in BIONICLE fanfiction (at least from my experience) is a realistic military, complete with complicated strategies, detailed training exercises, and military units. Clearly, you've had experience with this sort of thing before.Now I have a few criticisms:Firstly, Naizu. I really liked the idea of a two-toned, dual element wielding Toa. Really cool idea you've got there.But to be honest, I don't like how you revealed his identity. To be sure, there was build-up, but rather than showing the interrogation of Naizu and hearing his story in his own words, you just told the readers in the narration. I personally disliked it because I thought we'd get an interesting interrogation scene, but evidently I was mistaken.Secondly, as most of the other reviewers have already said, your prose is too purple. It is tedious to read through at times, even though the description sometimes isn't bad. Not to mention that most of it doesn't really seem to be that important to the story.For example, Horsta and Chandok's training scene don't seem to add much to the story, except perhaps showing how Rohan soldiers are trained (which may or may not be important to the story, too). Neither Horsta nor Chandok have appeared since Dependence and from what I can tell they will probably never appear again. The whole scene just feels pointless to me.I suppose part of it may just be your writing style, but generally good writing is concise. And conciseness doesn't mean cutting out all description and leaving only the bare bones. That would be beige prose, which is just as bad as purple prose.Conciseness means using as many words as are necessary. Sometimes that means you'll write lengthy paragraphs of immense and detailed description; other times, a couple of short sentences will do the trick.When writing or going over a story, constantly ask yourself, "Am I being concise? Is this too much description? Is this too little description?" Constantly ask yourself, "Is this important enough to the overall story to demand a long, detailed description? Or would fewer words work best here?"I am not saying your story is bad. Overall, I think, it's pretty decent. You do seem to have a basic goal in mind, which means the story doesn't get sidetracked too often. It means that you probably are going to finish this fic at some point. That is a problem among fanfiction writers, IMO. Too many just start a fic with no idea where they want to take it - not even the faintest idea of how it will end - and so abandon it after a few chapters. I do not foresee Danger Close suffering such a fate, or at least I hope it won't, anyway.I just think you need to be more concise. If you cut out more words - because on the purple/beige spectrum, you're currently leaning toward purple - your story will be easier to read. Long passages can be intimidating, even to a big reader like me. Cutting out unnecessary fluff will make the story better and more entertaining, not to mention easier on the eyes.My favorite character is probably Delrahk, I think, if only because I think the story got more interesting when he was introduced. Naizu is somewhat interesting as well, but his lack of development so far and the way you chose to reveal his backstory and identity really put me off.I like Tikiani's name for some reason. I guess I just think it looks good and rolls off the tongue well. It reminds me of a name I made for one of my characters, which is perhaps why I like it, heh :P .I am definitely going to keep reading this, I think. Despite some of my dislikes (particularly my dislike of your purple prose), I am interested to see how this story is going to end. Like I said, t feels like it has an ending and that it won't be a waste of time, which is more than I can say for most fanfics out there. Good job.*Looks up* Look at me writing about conciseness when this is arguably one of the longest posts I've ever written (not counting posts containing chapters from my stories). Then again, I think each word is necessary, which is what conciseness is all about. It's still feels ironic, though.-TNTOS-
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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#9 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Dec 04 2011 - 09:01 PM

If I remember correctly, I read this story before the forums went offline. But I've only just recently started reading it again and as of today I have read all of the chapters you have up so far.First off, I would like to say that the Rohan military is well thought out and realistic. One thing you never see in BIONICLE fanfiction (at least from my experience) is a realistic military, complete with complicated strategies, detailed training exercises, and military units. Clearly, you've had experience with this sort of thing before.

Surprisingly, no. =P I have interest in military elements, weaponry, strategies, et cetera - but this is probably the only story I've actually incorporated those elements into. I want to make it closer to actually a real life military or squadron, so it's glad to know I succeeded.

Now I have a few criticisms:Firstly, Naizu. I really liked the idea of a two-toned, dual element wielding Toa. Really cool idea you've got there.But to be honest, I don't like how you revealed his identity. To be sure, there was build-up, but rather than showing the interrogation of Naizu and hearing his story in his own words, you just told the readers in the narration. I personally disliked it because I thought we'd get an interesting interrogation scene, but evidently I was mistaken.

Well, I did want to do that, but when I was writing the story, I didn't want it to exactly draw from the situation at hand. Then again, it was the situation at hand, but I mean Uzian's approach. :P I've been considered writing it into an actual short story, or if I ever revise the epic, I might add it in as a chapter. It was an interesting scene, but I didn't consider it at first, as it might have been too long.

Secondly, as most of the other reviewers have already said, your prose is too purple. It is tedious to read through at times, even though the description sometimes isn't bad. Not to mention that most of it doesn't really seem to be that important to the story.For example, Horsta and Chandok's training scene don't seem to add much to the story, except perhaps showing how Rohan soldiers are trained (which may or may not be important to the story, too). Neither Horsta nor Chandok have appeared since Dependence and from what I can tell they will probably never appear again. The whole scene just feels pointless to me.

I have had a few complaints about that, which is a bad habit when I write. I always want to describe everything I see in my imagination. When going outside, I take note of the little details, and I can make that an addition in the story. I always love to describe the sights, because it adds character. However, it does eventually get dull when hearing a paragraph worth of description, similar to that of David Copperfield. That's an example of too much purple prose. :PAnd actually, I have something planned for those characters. I don't know the specifics, but they will make an appearance, whether in an SS or in the epic later on. :sly:

I suppose part of it may just be your writing style, but generally good writing is concise. And conciseness doesn't mean cutting out all description and leaving only the bare bones. That would be beige prose, which is just as bad as purple prose.Conciseness means using as many words as are necessary. Sometimes that means you'll write lengthy paragraphs of immense and detailed description; other times, a couple of short sentences will do the trick.When writing or going over a story, constantly ask yourself, "Am I being concise? Is this too much description? Is this too little description?" Constantly ask yourself, "Is this important enough to the overall story to demand a long, detailed description? Or would fewer words work best here?"

Sometimes it is just my writing style. As I said earlier, I like describing everything in my imagination or mind so the readers can see the exact image. And beige prose I don't even get a mile near, especially with the way I write. =P And that's an interesting way of doing things, I'll try that out when I can. =]

I am not saying your story is bad. Overall, I think, it's pretty decent. You do seem to have a basic goal in mind, which means the story doesn't get sidetracked too often. It means that you probably are going to finish this fic at some point. That is a problem among fanfiction writers, IMO. Too many just start a fic with no idea where they want to take it - not even the faintest idea of how it will end - and so abandon it after a few chapters. I do not foresee Danger Close suffering such a fate, or at least I hope it won't, anyway.

There's no doubt in my mind that I'll finish the story, specifically because it's taken me too long to plan everything now for it to just die. That definitely wouldn't be a proper ending for the story, because there would still be so much potential. And at the beginning, especially after the first epic I wrote, I had no clue where to take it. I was walking into something I wasn't sure where to go with, but in the first chapter, I knew what I wanted and what the goal was going to be. Of course, there have been little extras along the way, so it brought more character into the story than it just being a a routine approach to writing.

I just think you need to be more concise. If you cut out more words - because on the purple/beige spectrum, you're currently leaning toward purple - your story will be easier to read. Long passages can be intimidating, even to a big reader like me. Cutting out unnecessary fluff will make the story better and more entertaining, not to mention easier on the eyes.

Probably. Now, that's also where length comes in. Usually an over-descriptive story tends to be long, but although my story is descriptive, I try not to make it long. However, I'm not sure I'm exactly accomplishing that goal or not, honestly, as you mention conciseness, but I'm pretty sure you mean in just descriptions, not the length of the chapters themselves.

My favorite character is probably Delrahk, I think, if only because I think the story got more interesting when he was introduced. Naizu is somewhat interesting as well, but his lack of development so far and the way you chose to reveal his backstory and identity really put me off.I like Tikiani's name for some reason. I guess I just think it looks good and rolls off the tongue well. It reminds me of a name I made for one of my characters, which is perhaps why I like it, heh :P .I am definitely going to keep reading this, I think. Despite some of my dislikes (particularly my dislike of your purple prose), I am interested to see how this story is going to end. Like I said, t feels like it has an ending and that it won't be a waste of time, which is more than I can say for most fanfics out there. Good job.*Looks up* Look at me writing about conciseness when this is arguably one of the longest posts I've ever written (not counting posts containing chapters from my stories). Then again, I think each word is necessary, which is what conciseness is all about. It's still feels ironic, though.-TNTOS-

I've always loved the three characters you named. Of course, Delrahk's character was a more intense challenge when trying to write his character, because I proclaim him to be silent and not very social with other characters, yet when conversing with Nagii, he becomes more interactive and interested in things than before. A form of romantic banter between the characters, as it were - not to mention changing the character at great lengthes.Thanks for the - despite long - review. ( :P) But I do understand what you mean with conciseness and purple prose, those are some things I need to work on. And the end will be a good end, or at least I hope. It's been a long journey - it's not about to end now.Thanks for the review - to return the favor, I'll try to view one of your stories. Again, thanks. :)

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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#10 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Dec 05 2011 - 10:42 AM

[quote name='Peach 00]And actually' date=' I have something planned for those characters. I don't know the specifics, but they will make an appearance, whether in an SS or in the epic later on. :sly:[/quote']I figured that might be the case, but I didn't know for sure.[quote name='Peach 00]Probably. Now' date=' that's also where length comes in. Usually an over-descriptive story tends to be long, but although my story is descriptive, I try not to make it long. However, I'm not sure I'm exactly accomplishing that goal or not, honestly, as you mention conciseness, but I'm pretty sure you mean in just descriptions, not the length of the chapters themselves.[/quote']I was mostly referring to your descriptions, which I think need to be more concise. Long chapters don't bother me, unless they're ridiculously long, although I don't think yours are. Your chapters are longish, but I think that is more due to the detailed descriptions than anything.[quote name='Peach 00]And the end will be a good end' date=' or at least I hope. It's been a long journey - it's not about to end now.[/quote']Good to hear, but even if the ending is bad, it's still better than no ending at all, IMO.[quote name='Peach 00]Thanks for the review - to return the favor' date=' I'll try to view one of your stories. Again, thanks. :)[/quote']And thank you for the polite reply to my review. I certainly hope I've helped you improve as a writer in some ways :) .-TNTOS-
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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#11 Offline The Xinlo

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Posted Dec 08 2011 - 12:33 AM

So I managed to fit in time to read and review the first chapter. :PSo, I like where this epic's going. The characters seem to be decent, you've done a good job describing them, and the plot seems to be thick and involved. That said, I do have multiple issues to mention; all grammatical. (sorry =P)First off, I realize that this is only the first chapter, and that it is unedited, but these things were just very bothersom to me. I noticed, all throughout the story, that you used the same word multiple times per sentence, and even more per paragraph. I noticed in particular that "sunrise" and "hallway" were way too common. Again, I know you've probably already noticed and started fixing this, but it made the story difficult to read at certain moments.Other things I noticed were simple typos, like "their" in place of "there" at one point, and apostrophes missing at others. No big deal there though.Also, Rohan? Isn't that from Lord Of The Rings? :PAnyway I hope this review doesn't seem too harsh - I did really enjoy the thing. I'll see if I can make more time in the future to at least half keep-up with your progress.

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Edited by My Little Xinlo, Dec 08 2011 - 12:35 AM.

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#12 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Dec 08 2011 - 10:01 AM

So I managed to fit in time to read and review the first chapter. :PSo, I like where this epic's going. The characters seem to be decent, you've done a good job describing them, and the plot seems to be thick and involved. That said, I do have multiple issues to mention; all grammatical. (sorry =P)

About the grammatical issues: Perfectly fine that you mention them, there were plenty of errors in the archived review topic. Sadly I never edited the chapters, so all those probably would have been fixed if I weren't so lazy. =P

First off, I realize that this is only the first chapter, and that it is unedited, but these things were just very bothersom to me. I noticed, all throughout the story, that you used the same word multiple times per sentence, and even more per paragraph. I noticed in particular that "sunrise" and "hallway" were way too common. Again, I know you've probably already noticed and started fixing this, but it made the story difficult to read at certain moments.

That's true. Of course, I realize I could use different words like 'corridor' and 'passage' or something similar to that. And sunrise is one of those words that doesn't have many variables, so it'd basically come down to just using it less than needed. I have noticed, but as I said earlier, I forgot to edit it, although most of what you said was in the old review topic - thanks for spotting it, I'll see if I can kind of overview it in Word and basically transplant it to the topic.

Other things I noticed were simple typos, like "their" in place of "there" at one point, and apostrophes missing at others. No big deal there though.

Yeah, I have problems with that sometimes - sometimes I don't notice it, only because when I write I just type what I want to express. Of course, it may come out the wrong way, so that's to blame on my fingers for going to the wrong keys. :P

Also, Rohan? Isn't that from Lord Of The Rings? :P

Everybody says that - because I've never read LoTR, I never realized that until a few people started mentioning it. I watched the movies about six years ago, so I barely remember them. I'll keep the name, obviously - but of course, I'm hoping nobody will kill me for basically copying the name. :P

Anyway I hope this review doesn't seem too harsh - I did really enjoy the thing. I'll see if I can make more time in the future to at least half keep-up with your progress.Posted Image

Not harsh at all - just a honesty. Thanks for the review and the problems you pointed out, I'll get to them ASAP. :)

  • 0
On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#13 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Dec 12 2011 - 02:29 PM

Pretty good chapter, although not much happened. Maybe we'll see some more action next chapter.Anyway, I noticed a few problems:

So far, so good, thought the Toa of Psionics, Alyssia.

Why not just say, "thought Alyssia"? After all, we already know she's a Toa of Psionics, and you definitely aren't using the term in place of her name, which would acceptable. I suggest editing this bit out, mostly because it's unnecessary.

A questionable expression appeared on his face, with his brow rising quickly as Jilin watched her face twist into a more concerned facial appearance each moment.

A facial expression is what you mean here, I think. "Appearance" really isn't the right word here.Anyway, keep on writing and I'll keep on reading :) .-TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#14 Offline Inferna Firesword

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Posted Dec 25 2011 - 02:32 PM

*marathon-ish breathing after catching up again*Sorry again for taking so long, but, here's your Christmas review! =DAh, the epic build-up to the epic battle. I love it. I've got a couple of caveats and a highlight: for the sake of good news, I'll show the highlight first.

“Jilin…?” Alyssia asked, with a scared tone to her voice.“Yeah?”“We’ve got a bit of a loophole here,” she responded. A questionable expression appeared on his face, with his brow rising quickly as Jilin watched her face twist into a more concerned facial appearance each moment.“What is it?”“Remember the below barrier system that malfunctioned all the time?”“Yes?” he said, his tone becoming sharper and more annoyed.“I think we forgot to fix that.”

I just love those "oh no!" moments. Dunno why, but they're funny. :P

Second in the plan, the hostiles would be kept safe in the several units of caves.

Say what? I think you need a better word, because that made me think that the enemy would be kept in the same caves that the civilians were.

with each team undercover by invisibility cloaking devices

I don't know about you, but that seems somewhat redundant. Other than those gripes, no problems. Keep up the excellent work, Peach. =)-Inferna
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Thanks for the memories, BZP. Time for me to leave.


#15 Offline Peach 00

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Posted May 14 2012 - 04:40 PM

Thanks for pointing out those errors, TNTOS - indeed, they do need some editing. Thanks for the comments. =)

*marathon-ish breathing after catching up again*Sorry again for taking so long, but, here's your Christmas review! =DAh, the epic build-up to the epic battle. I love it. I've got a couple of caveats and a highlight: for the sake of good news, I'll show the highlight first.

“Jilin…?” Alyssia asked, with a scared tone to her voice.“Yeah?”“We’ve got a bit of a loophole here,” she responded. A questionable expression appeared on his face, with his brow rising quickly as Jilin watched her face twist into a more concerned facial appearance each moment.“What is it?”“Remember the below barrier system that malfunctioned all the time?”“Yes?” he said, his tone becoming sharper and more annoyed.“I think we forgot to fix that.”

I just love those "oh no!" moments. Dunno why, but they're funny. :P

Second in the plan, the hostiles would be kept safe in the several units of caves.

Say what? I think you need a better word, because that made me think that the enemy would be kept in the same caves that the civilians were.

with each team undercover by invisibility cloaking devices

I don't know about you, but that seems somewhat redundant. Other than those gripes, no problems. Keep up the excellent work, Peach. =)-Inferna

You gave me this review last Christmas - it took me this long to finally reply to it? I must be an even bigger procrastinator than I thought. :PI know, aren't they great? =P Just wanted one of those plot twists that, although probably predictable, was amusing. And yeah, both those errors I need to fix. Thank you for pointing them out. ^^Thanks to both for pointing them out and for the comments - it's been so long since I've updated, but tonight, I'm finishing up the latest chapter and posting it. I snapped back into action, finally got back to writing DC. I've decided I'll probably post a revised edition once this is finished, just as a side update. Anyway, I hope you guys will read - keep your eyes peeled for the update! =D

Edited by Peach 00, May 14 2012 - 04:40 PM.

  • 0
On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#16 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Jun 10 2012 - 01:05 PM

Just caught up on the two most recent chapters. They're good, but I do have a few minor criticisms (these from Clash - Part One):

“His Miru should easily levitate those who aren’t used to this way. Anybody who doesn’t want to take that route, follow me, please,"

That bolded comma ought to be a period, because that's the end of a sentence.

Nagii adjoined Atuu, while the rest followed quickly.

I don't think "adjoined" is a word. I think you meant "joined," unless I am mistaken.

She was new to the battlefront – she was unlike her cohorts. She was native to a foreign land, far from Rohan. She never imagined to be a Toa…it is an honor to be part of a team like the Rohan.

These lines here are kind of clunky. It's hard to explain what's wrong with them, so I'll just give you my version so you can understand what I mean:

She was new to the battlefront, unlike her cohorts. She was also from a foreign land, far from Rohan, and so had never imagined she'd one day become a Toa and join the Rohan. It was truly an honor.

I trust that you can see the improvements I've made, but if you disagree that's your choice.

The forest surrounded her with lush green trees, exotic plants that glowed a bright yet strange blue in the night…there were all sorts of wonders in Attempting to

You forgot to put a period between "in" and "Attempting."Anyway, keep on writing :) .-TNTOS-
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog
The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness
(My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive Completed 01/05/14)
{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)
(In the End Completed 09/01/14) (Review Topic)
The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)


#17 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Jun 15 2012 - 10:34 PM

Thanks for reading, TNTOS, and thanks for pointing out the mistakes. Might not be able to make those edits for awhile, but I'll check them out ASAP. :)And drum roll please! Heeeeeeeeeeere's a new chapter! =D
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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 




#18 Offline Steelsheen

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Posted Jun 21 2012 - 03:44 PM

ECC Review:

Peach 00, it is my privilege to review your epic twice! :) Since I have already given a review of the first seven chapters, this review will focus on chapters 8 - 21 and the story as a whole.First, let me say that you have definitely given us an original story with quite a bit of new and vivid scenery. The wide variety of characters have unique names and personalities. Your spelling is, as far as I can tell, flawless, and your paragraphs are generally a good length. And the character/island index in the review topic is a nice little bonus feature.The characters themselves are sometimes under-developed, but your best work is definitely Tikiani. We as the reader feel her struggle and pain, although by the end of it, we do not sympathise with her. I fail to see what Jilin and Delrak see in Nagii that makes them like her so much - she comes across as confusingly blunt, harsh, cold, soft, changeable and sweet. If you don't have a clear idea in your head of who the characters are, the reader won't even have a clue. Try writing out a full list of each characters' attributes.You seem to have some difficulty with your narration. At times, it's highly detailed and stark; at other times, it takes poetic viewpoint. Once, you even slip into first person narration (see quotes). I just want to give you a little pep talk on this head - you, as the narrator of the story, are literally the most important person in the epic! You have the most lines, the most knowledge and the most power. You, above everyone else, must be consistent and well-spoken. If the narration fails, everything fails. Write less as if you're in poetry class and more like you're telling the story to your best friend.As I read, several large mistakes stood out, and I have collected a few of them so you can see how to improve. If it helps, you make a  couple of mistakes over and over, not a bunch of different ones. That means they're easily correctable! :)
From Observations-

The Toa’s face was cloaked underneath the cowl of the dark black cloak, his eyes observing the adjacent surroundings of the city. Everything was so well-knit together, and he knew this well.

Saying that "the Toa's face was cloaked underneath... the dark black cloak" is redundant on two levels. First, if you're wearing a cloak over your face, then it's pretty obvious your face is cloaked. Second, there is no version of the color black that isn't dark. This kind of repetitive narration continues throughout the story. Remember that the reader needs concise, thoughtful narration to be able to follow the story well. When you try to crowd in too much description, people start skimming instead of reading.From Observations-

His appearance was a black and white –clad character, a long scabbard holding a devastatingly large broadsword at his waist, the scabbard buckled along the side of the leather black belt around his waist. He had a half-black and half-white Miru; his eye on the right side of his mask (evidently the white side, the left side black) was a piercing ice blue color, while on the left side held a devilish and villainous scarlet eye. His appearance was frightening—it seemed natural that the two entirely different colors represented that he held two elements. One was shadow, the second ice.

Here's a good place to show you what I mean about being concise. You have a really neat-looking character introduced here, but you do it in such a way that leaves the reader saying, "huh?". Collect your mental image of this character and put it down on paper (virtual or otherwise). 1. He has two elements - ice and shadow.2.  His armor is white and black.3. He has a broadsword.4. He has a sheath (scabbard is actually not the right word for a broadsword) and belt, both made of black leather.5. He has a Kanohi Miru; the right half is white and the left half is black.6. His eyes are different colors: right is blue and left is red.7. His appearance is frightning.Now, think about what is absolutely necessary to say about the character at this point - probably everything except point 1, since his elemental powers can be revealed later on. Okay, now how would you tell someone what he looked like?His armor was stark black and white. At his waist hung a belt and sheath containing a large broadsword. His unusual Kanohi Miru was half black, half white, with frightening eyes to match - the left was dark red, and the right a piercing blue. Altogether, he was not only an imposing figure, but seemed the stuff of nightmares.Hear the difference? I still used some descriptive adjectives, and you still have a mental image of the character. But it is a lot shorter and more to the point. You are an author, not a movie camera. Give people a basic image and let their minds fill in some blanks.From Observations-

And, hovering above all these cushions was a tall, navy-blue, silver-clad, white-armored Toa with a shining white Miru...

Too many colors! Is he silver? Or navy blue? (which is two words, not hyphenated, by the way) Or silver? If you want a character to have multiple colors, say that his armor was "navy blue with silver and white accents". Otherwise, it sounds like he's a chameleon. :PFrom Boarding the Cruiser-

“I see you have returned, Delrak,” he quietly said. “I imagined you would come back one day, you knew you would not be able to leave without facing my wrath first. But, I see you are none of cowardice but only bravery to try and face me. I am, as many have known for many a year, an indestructible mercenary of villainous being. I attend to business I won’t let simply wait for me to finish it—I handle things in my own easy and simple way. That way, as you well know, is to brutally torture others for disrespect and disloyalty to one of my caliber, or, if not better, disrespect to my equals.

I think you were trying to have Uzian say that Delrak had betrayed him and must now face his wrath. But "you are none of cowardice and only bravery to try and face me" and "I attend to business I won't simply let wait for me to finish it" are grammatically incorrect, as well as incomplete sentences.This is a good place to stop for a second and talk about your dialogue (pun intended). Your characters change emotions at the drop of a hat, and use awkward slang and grammar. When writing what your characters are saying, say it out loud to yourself. Does it sound natural? Would you say something like this? Does it fit with the flow of the scene?Okay, back to the quotes.From Boarding the Cruiser-

The Toa of Psionics stood at the ship’s end. Forever had she been gazing out at her homeland, and prior to becoming a Toa she had been such a peaceful and caring soul.

In the "forever" of conversation, which means "a long time", this works. But in narration, you want to be very careful about using the right word. This takes place again through the whole epic, with words like "gawking" (to stare stupidly) and "memorable" being used in places where "looked" and "remembered" are what you really mean. Just because they are more emotionally charged doesn't mean that they are the right choice.From Awakening-

He looked at himself: Delrak was clad in a simple cloak of grey and what appeared to be burgundy.

If it appears to be burgundy, it probably is burgundy. :P As a general rule, only use "appeared to be" in narration if you plan to show that it is different than it's appearance.From Beginning the Chase: part 1-

Stelt: A tall Toa, clad in silver and a protodermis-blue substance as a secondary armor color. That was his appearance.

First, you have already given us a good idea of what Stelt looks like. Second, if you describe something in visual terms, you don't need to tell us immediately afterwards that you just told us something visual. Less is more.From In Pursuit: part 2-

This wasn’t a continuous loop or cycle that he could restart over and over; soon this person would realize he was being followed, it was only a matter of time for that to happen.

Use either "continuous loop" or "cycle". Put a period or a semi-colon after followed.From In Pursuit: part 2-

Stelt comprehended, contemplated, thought, and even toyed with the idea of his fate.

From Aftermath-

Dizziness; confusion; drowsiness – the perplexing feeling and wooziness, or even vertigo, made it harder for the pain and throbbing to fade, and his vision had no clarity whatsoever.

Again, just pick one descriptive word.From The Beginning: part 1-

Group CD – Charlie-Delta – had Silvian as the leader, Tulya second, and Canan third in command. Watua and Litela were the secondary members on the team, and the team had also most of the strategists on the Toa Rohan, which was why Canan transmitted messages of strategies to Alpha-Bravo, and the third team.

Just for the record, Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, etc. are military code words from our world. You might want to make up your own code words, as they sound a bit off used in BIONICLE.From Going Under: part 2-

“Jilin…?” Alyssia asked, with a scared tone to her voice.

Try using: "Jilin?" Alyssia asked, sounding scared.From Clash: part 2-

Another one of his, he thought, repulsed. By this time he had taken his broadsword in hand, and upon extending it outward, he watched as a rope of fire launched forth, almost as if lassoing the figure in front of him. Wickedly he smiled, happy to see the mercenary trapped just as he had been. Except, move an inch and you’ll be burned to a crisp.

You strayed into in-character narration on the last sentence. Also, beginning almost all your new scenes with a "him" or a "her" doing something gets very confusing. Cederak had to snap me out of that, too, when I first started writing. Trust me, it doesn't add any of the mystery you're going for; it just ends with people skimming.From Clash: part 2-

Colorn had dropped to her knees, her head bowed to the ground as if praying to Mata-Nui for forgiveness. If this was indeed what she was doing, Mata-Nui wasn’t going to be on her side of this battle.

The person Mata Nui is not hyphenated. The island Mata-Nui is hyphenated.Once or twice, you use the measurement of kilometers and the familial terms "daughter" and "father". If you're going for canon biology and measurement, BIONICLES don't have fathers or daughters - try using "mentor" and "friend" instead. Also, BIONICLES measure in bios, kios, and mios. Kilometers, miles, etc. have no meaning for them. (See http://bionicle.wiki...ge#Measurements)I have two question that I can't find an answer to anywhere in the epic: are matoran the same height as Toa? (Nagii dances with/hugs/kisses taller beings with seemingly no height problem) And is this story set in the canon universe?Overall, Peach, you have given us a good plot with a lot of overdone descriptions and narration. Polish it up, and you'll have a winner!-HH

Edited by Hahli Historian, Jun 21 2012 - 05:16 PM.

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#19 Offline Peach 00

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Posted Oct 31 2012 - 08:08 AM

New chapter is up! =D It is probably the shortest chapter yet, but I thought I'd give you an interesting finish and something to look forward to in the next chapter. Thought it would give an interesting twist. ^^@HH: Quite a bit of mistakes there...first, I'd like to say thank you for reviewing my epic again. And secondly, this won't be a long response, so don't be insulted if this seems like I'm kind of ignoring most of what you said. That isn't the case, and I noticed just about everything you said. =PUnfortunately, I have a tendency to be overly descriptive sometimes, so forgive me for that one. Most of the problems you noted are things I've noticed for awhile but have been too lazy to fix. I can never decide which word to use, so I end up using both or all three (sometimes four, but that's rare, lol).Regarding the military code: That was kind of the point. I wanted the group, BIONICLE or not, to function as a military squadron. I do realize those are military code words, and originally I was going to use some of the older code words (Bravo used to be Baker, Alpha used to be Able, et cetera.), but I thought the newer ones would fit better. Since the technology and other things here are advanced, the outdated terms wouldn't fit very well.Answer to question 1: No, they aren't. In a way, I guess you could say that Nagii is taller than most Matoran, but she's supposed to be shorter than most. It's a bit of a story glitch, and I'm still trying to think of ways to fix it. =PQuestion 2: I hadn't really thought about that at first. It is, despite some serious differences when it comes to the way the canon story functions in comparison to Rohan and the other islands I created. I wouldn't be able to pin-point exactly where the islands are in relation to places such as Voya-Nui and other places, but they do exist in the canon universe.Thanks for the review, and I hope you'll keep reading! ^^
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On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground
And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived
 
On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground
Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight
 
I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained
And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you
 
Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away
And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone
 
Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands
Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey
 
I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in
I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away
 
slipped away...
 







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