Edited by Bite My Shiny Metal Armour, Nov 01 2011 - 06:06 PM.
To Trap A Tahnok
Posted Nov 01 2011 - 06:01 PM
Posted Nov 19 2011 - 10:30 PM
I assume that 'wondering' is meant to be 'wandering', correct? It took me a little while to figure that out, and it jarringly interrupted the flow of your story, which is never a good thing.You also have long sentences that veer towards being clunky. Economy of words is a virtue that all writers should strive for; even though it's tempting to drag out your sentences in a long-winded fashion, it's usually more advantageous to express your ideas as simply as possible. That way, you run little risk of confusing or boring your reader. Consider several sentences from your story, and how they might be changed to be simpler.
Wondering as he pleased, with no fear of what may lie ahead, Toa Kopaka was the most dangerous of beings on Ko Wahi
It had been a few suns since the swarms had shown their faces on Mata Nui’s surface, and already the results were catastrophic. Burning and crushing and flooding their way through the village’s the island bore, it seemed Mata-Nui had faced no adversaries such as the Bohrok before.It had only been a few suns since the swarms had appeared on Mata Nui, and already they had done catastrophic damage. They had burned, crushed and flooded the island's villages, proving that they were greatest adversaries Mata-Nui had ever known.
It was hardly only the Toa who had taken up arms against this new threat. Already, in protection and in some cases vengeance for their homes, Matoran from all six villages had taken up arms to fight.It was not the Toa alone who faced the Bohrok - Matoran, too, had risen up against the swarms that had decimated their homes.
Obviously, these are simply stylistic suggestions and not actual, objective corrections. But nevertheless, your story can be a chore to read at times due to all the superfluous helping verbs and run-on sentences. It would be a good idea in the future to try to make your stories as concise as possible. You don't need to skimp on creativity or content; just funnel that creativity and content into simple, meaningful sentences that are easy to read and comprehend.Now, for the pluses.I really enjoyed the battle-scene. Here the clunkiness of your sentences didn't bother me as much, because you had such a good sense of what was going on and you conveyed it so well. You gave me a vivid picture of what was happening, which is a great skill for a writer to have. The only downside to the battle was that it was so short; once I started reading it, I didn't want it to stop. Your story kind of faltered during Kopaka's moments of introspection, but it gained its footing once you got to the action. I thoroughly enjoyed that part of the story.I also appreciated that you gave the Matoran some autonomy here. I think everybody roots for the underdogs, and the Matoran have been very clearly distinguished as underdogs in the Bionicle mythos. They are so weak, and they are surrounded by enemies that are so strong. Thus, it's always thoroughly enjoying to read a story where the Matoran win a battle on their own, without any aid from the Toa. So, pros and cons?CONS
Kopaka was near a great slope, leading into a canyon below, and further down the slopes edge, he saw a flicker of movement.Kopaka, standing by a great slope, noticed a flicker of movement near the slope's edge.
- [*]Clunky sentences[*]Misspellings[*]Slow start[/list]PROS
- [*]Good descriptions[*]Intense action[/list]Overall, I'd give it a rating of Good. It's got some flaws, but it has a thoroughly enjoyable climax and a satisfying conclusion.
"People change. Feelings change. It doesn’t mean that the love once shared wasn’t true or real. It simply means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart."
(500) Days of Summer
Posted Nov 19 2011 - 10:51 PM
Edited by Bite My Shiny Metal Armour, Nov 19 2011 - 10:52 PM.
Posted Nov 20 2011 - 11:25 AM
Posted Nov 20 2011 - 12:21 PM
Well, what I kinda intended to mean by that was mostly that despite the fact that that the Ko-Matoran were working with other Matoran as well, they had still accomplished their task as just that, Matoran, without the aid of the Toa.Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. Thanks!
The only thing that struck me as odd was that Kopaka mentioned the Matoran (ko-matoran) might prefer to be left alone as he is left alone, yet the matoran were unified with another koro.
Edited by Bite My Shiny Metal Armour, Nov 20 2011 - 12:22 PM.
Posted Nov 20 2011 - 02:05 PM
Posted Nov 20 2011 - 02:24 PM
Edited by Bite My Shiny Metal Armour, Nov 20 2011 - 04:38 PM.
Posted Dec 09 2011 - 02:34 AM
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