Kongu and Keetongu

[Ghidora131]

Boo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just kidding! this is great so far XD

[user-402520536]

KONGU AND KEETONGU

Episode 7

by Aerixx

 

 

Keetongu promptly slapped Kongu upside the Olmak. Then he realized that his hands were tied behind his back.

 

“Wait, how I slap Langwajj if hands are tied?”

 

“This is a comedy. Don’t dwell on it too much. More importantly, why are we tied up?”

 

As if on cue, four cars came driving out of nowhere and surrounded the unlucky duo. Before Kongu or his friend could react in any way, the cars twisted and turned until they became robots about Keetongu’s height. Three small people in white robes backflipped towards the dimensional travelers and readied their weapons.

 

“Who are you?!” Zane said.

 

“Why are you here?!” Zane ZX said.

 

“How old is your doorknob?!” Battle-Damaged Zane said.

 

“o hai gaiz!!1!2!!!one!1” Lloyd said, and was then promptly squashed by Sideswipe’s wheel-foot.

 

“W-we-” Kongu started to say something, but suddenly Soundwave called, “Alert! Alert! The Brother is coming!”

 

“Evasive maneuvers!” a dusty velociraptor skeleton shouted, and everything broke into pandemonium. Transformers ran for the shelves, forgetting that they could simply transform. A few MOCs helped evacuate a squad of Minifigures to shelter under a giant bed, and an Iron Fist figurine carried an origami mantis onto a safe place by a closet.

 

A gigantic door swung open, and a towering six-year-old boy burst into the room, dropping his heavy backpack onto the carpeted floor. He looked around, searching for a toy to ‘play’ with. His eyes came to rest on Keetongu... and the Brother lunged at the poor toy, unwashed hands ready to grasp the delicate plastic parts.

 

His hands brushed nothing but air as Kongu activated the Olmak, teleporting the duo to yet another alternate universe.

 

Here, weird little robots ran around with laser guns and yelled, “We are the Hero Factory! Villains and beasts beware!” as they were effortlessly crushed and eaten by multicolored monsters. Keetongu urgently nudged Kongu, generating another portal.

 

This time, they exited the portal to a calm, peaceful environment almost reminiscent to that of a Ga-Metru school.

 

And then they saw the Rahkshi. Kongu scrambled to hide behind Keetongu’s yellow bulk, panting with fear.

 

“Why you hiding? These Rahkshi okay. They smart.” Keetongu shrugged, not understanding his friend’s worries. But Kongu’s fears were confirmed when an oblivious silver Rahk walked up to the duo and started poking Keetongu in the chest.

 

“Hi. Can I study you? Can I? You’re weird, and that’s awesome. Can I study you?” he was even more oblivious to being shoved out of the way by a flame-throwing Rahkshi narrowly evading a book launched at him by yet another ‘student’.

 

Kongu quickly tapped his Olmak, drawing a gasp from the Rahkshi who had just started to move towards the commotion.

 

Keetongu stepped out into bright sunlight. (“Rhyming!” -Whenua; “Holy Mata Nui I’m leaving this comedy!” -Onewa) He whipped around, looking for Kongu, and soon saw him, retching lime green y-joints a few feet away.

 

“Rahkshi make me sick.” After one final retch, Kongu turned to survey his surroundings and realized he was in a desert. It was kind of reminiscent of Po-Wahi but... different, somehow. Kongu’s thoughts were interrupted by a grunt. Keetongu pointed to the center of a large nearby crater, in the middle of which was an intricately-carved stone pillar.

 

On top of it, two beings circled each other grimly. Both were in brown armor, and both had similar masks. Pohatu: Stone Toa versus Pohatu: Master of Stone!

 

Stop calling me redundant.

 

Pohatu G1 narrowed his eyes behind his mask. “You impersonator. You will rot down at the bottom of this crater!” he grasped Pohatu G2 and shook him so hard the latter’s mask popped off.

 

“Stupid gimmicks!” Pohatu G2 grimaced. Then he realized that the gears on Pohatu G1’s butt were spinning. “Stop! Stop, this is madness!”

 

“THIS... IS...” Pohatu G1 brought up a mighty, gear-charged kick to Pohatu G2’s printed chestplate, sending the ‘impostor’ plummeting like a stone towards the bottom of the pit. “MAAAAATAAAA NUUUUUIIIII!”

 

WIthout thinking, Kongu and Keetongu lunged from where they hid behind rocks and started to fall as well, readying to catch Pohatu G2. Kongu activated the Olmak, popping open a portal and transporting all three to safety in a jungle area.

 

“Whew, thanks, guys.” Pohatu G2 grinned, looking at his saviours. “That’s a cool mask ya got there.”

 

Kongu nodded, wiping the nonexistent sweat off the surface of his Olmak. “Hey, do you know where we are right now?”

 

“We’re in Okoto, mah home. That dimensional rift we just came from - it’s a sort of bridge between the first Generation, where you’re from, and mine. At least that’s what the Protector of Ice says. Relations ain’t always the best, but hey.” With that, Pohatu left to continue the search for the Mask of Creation.

 

Keetongu sighed and was about to tell Kongu to make another portal when they heard an awesome sound... find out next time on-

 

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Vrokorta shouted. “Another cliffhanger?!”

 

Well, I, well-

 

“Dude!” Durahk waved his fist. “Finish the story for once!”

 

Ugh, fine. Kongu and Keetongu walked out into a large clearing, where a huge stage had been set up. On it, behind a DJ stand, was a De-Toa wearing an Avohkii and generating epic music with only his hands. Kongu and Keetongu were swept into the throng of fans and soon absorbed by the music. There, ya happy now?

 

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Wooooo! Seven episodes and goin' strong! I tried cameoing some of my readers this time and I think it turned out well. If you want a cameo, just leave a comment!

Edited February 4, 2015 by Gukko Lord

[Pohatu: Uniter of Stone]

I'm guessing that was a nod to Corpus Rahkshi, minus the calmness. Also, I liked my guest star appearance! Technically, I am both Pohatu G2 and G1. You see, until G2 Pohatu's personality gets more fleshed out by the story team, I will retain my personality of G1, which I got to choose myself. This is why I act friendly more like G1 Pohatu and not all tough and stubborn like G2 Pohatu. I am Pohatu, Toa of Stone and Pohatu, Master of Stone. I'm still in transition between G1 and G2... it's not pleasant. But in the world of comedy, I can fight myself. And it was a good fight.

[Dallior]

I thought you should know... http://www.brickshelf.com/cgi-bin/gallery.cgi?f=552690

[user-402520536]

I'm guessing that was a nod to Corpus Rahkshi, minus the calmness. Also, I liked my guest star appearance! Technically, I am both Pohatu G2 and G1. You see, until G2 Pohatu's personality gets more fleshed out by the story team, I will retain my personality of G1, which I got to choose myself. This is why I act friendly more like G1 Pohatu and not all tough and stubborn like G2 Pohatu. I am Pohatu, Toa of Stone and Pohatu, Master of Stone. I'm still in transition between G1 and G2... it's not pleasant. But in the world of comedy, I can fight myself. And it was a good fight.

Yep, that was a nod to Corp Rahk. I'm actually about to share that segment on Student Register. And you're gonna have a pretty big part in the story when I introduce more of the Toa later on.

 

I thought you should know... http://www.brickshelf.com/cgi-bin/gallery.cgi?f=552690

... it says the folder is not yet public.

[Dallior]

http://www.brickshelf.com/gallery/dallior/Kongu/kongu.bmp

 

Does this work?

[user-402520536]

http://www.brickshelf.com/gallery/dallior/Kongu/kongu.bmp

 

Does this work?

Yes! Dude, that's awesome!

[Dallior]

It's a program called Matoran Maker. It's on a really old BZPower forum.

[Vrokorta]

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Vrokorta shouted. “Another cliffhanger?!”

 

THAT WAS AWESOME! I didn't think you'd put me in this story!

 

It's a program called Matoran Maker. It's on a really old BZPower forum.

I should find that.

[user-402520536]

 

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Vrokorta shouted. “Another cliffhanger?!”

 

THAT WAS AWESOME! I didn't think you'd put me in this story!

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[Durahk]

I to was surprised by being in the story, thanks! 

 

 

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Vrokorta shouted. “Another cliffhanger?!”

 

THAT WAS AWESOME! I didn't think you'd put me in this story!

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

 

Same!

[Vrokorta]

It's a program called Matoran Maker. It's on a really old BZPower forum.

Couldn't find it, you know how I can?

[user-402520536]

 

It's a program called Matoran Maker. It's on a really old BZPower forum.

Couldn't find it, you know how I can?

http://www.bzpower.com/board/topic/4192-matoran-maker/

[Vrokorta]

 

 

It's a program called Matoran Maker. It's on a really old BZPower forum.

Couldn't find it, you know how I can?

http://www.bzpower.com/board/topic/4192-matoran-maker/

 

Thanks.

[25K Now!]

Apologies for the wait. Schoolwork has been intense.

 

Mechanics of Writing

 

Spelling-wise, your comedy is perfectly fine. No major mistakes really leap out, nor are there any typos that I could notice. However, K&K is plagued with numerous grammar errors, so many that it would be overly time-consuming and wasteful to list them all. These issues, while not detrimental to an understanding of the comedy, range from the overuse of commas, to badly constructed sentences (an example of such being the proliferation of unnecessary or awkward clauses thrown around willy-nilly, with this sentence: "Voporak looked over at his captives, sitting passively in the shade of a large tree, casually playing Stone, Scroll, Sword with each other."), and a few tense problems here and there. Due to this, your sentences can be rather awkward to parse, losing the immersion.

 

In general, the chapters I read have seemed unpolished, with rushed transitions between scenes (not to say chapters) and bizarre word usage. The setting of K&K is bare-bones as well, with the rapid and uncontrolled pacing, as well as unfitting adjectival choices, not providing any real meat to the descriptions of the characters or the backdrop. They simply act exactly as dictated, and no time or description is provided to who they are rather than what they do.

 

Rating this part 20/100.

 

Plot and Characters

 

Although there seems to be some semblance of plot, very little of it is developed properly or paced well, and certain plot threads are either disregarded or dropped faster than Kip Rhinelander divorcing Alice Jones on discovering her heritage. It is difficult to get involved in what Kongu and Keetongu do when things either end incredibly anticlimatically or simply get ignored. What was the bush creature? How did Ahkmou escape the first time until a Vezon from outta nowhere whacked him off? Even though there is a need for closure, these questions are simply not enticing. Things just happened too quickly and without buildup to really care about.

 

The Bohrok battle, for example, held little to no buildup, with barely any connection to the previous chapter. It feels like a new arc has been started far too suddenly, with any complications established earlier ignored in favour of a badly-written fight scene. There is simply no investment at all.

 

Chapters five and seven also hold great disconnect from the rest of the 'plot'. They have become more vehicles for cameos to occur, which should not be the reasoning behind writing a comedy named 'Kongu and Keetongu'. The cameos hold little purpose beyond a cute little shoutout to friends, so to feature them heavily at the expense of the plot is absolutely unnecessary. There is more that can be done, something that even your characters recognise.

 

Something that readers can feel invested in must occur. The story should not lag along as a vessel for cameos. Using cliffhangers, while great when executed properly, are not supposed to be used in such excess. It will not build up expectations if people get to used to it.

 

Characters in K&K are also one-dimensional. There is little depth to even the main characters, with barely any focus the reasonings behind their actions. This is compounded by the rapid pace, ensuring that there is much difficulty in bonding with the comedy's characters. They are the link to the readership, and as such should be more than 'designated heroes'. We need to resonate with them, to want to cheer them on. Kongu and Keentongu ... They don't do enough to interest the reader.

 

However, their interaction with one another, despite strongly affected be memes and 'randomness', has been quite interesting, providing some character in a world of mostly cardboard cookouts.

 

I rate this section 3/100.

 

Humour

 

It appears that most of the attempted humour present derives heavily from the use of slapstick, a format that is immensely difficult to execute well in text. The most famous slapstick artists are renowned due to their use of visual media (Chaplin, the Three Stooges, Lucille Ball, Jackie Chan), as while the suffering and 'derps' of others and inherently amusing, they lack the ability to evoke a reaction if simply in text, especially if there is little to no description to accompany it; why should we laugh if someone falls if it would be funnier to laugh at why and how they fell, as well as the consequences brought upon by it? You have failed to really add description and pizazz to the comedy, meaning that slapstick humour just falls flat.

 

For something to be funny, there needs to be context behind it. The usage of 'random' occurrences in order to produce humour completely fails at accomplishing its objective. Why is it funny to meet a guy who speaks in horrible English and watch him get crushed underfoot? Why is Corpus Rahkshi cameoing funny? Does introducing a character like Vezon randomly and not use him again seem funny? No. There is no context to their presence. They just turn up. No description. No entertainment value.

 

Also, if everything tries to be funny, nothing is funny. All the characters seem tailored to make light of the world of the comedy, but they do so in ways that don't really feel fresh or original. Long-winded narration and fourth wall jokes also stretch the blandness of the supposed humour in the comedy, and it feels as if all are just reading from a script instead of genuinely amusing. How do I know something is supposed to be funny when it is exactly like everything else? Cut back on the ridiculousness, or learn how to maximise description writing to help write more amusingly. Stale jokes, pranks, constant attempts at bringing 'hiliarity' and the like .. They don't add to the experience.

 

Being funny is difficult. Being funny without making extensive use of context and description I'd even harder.

 

I rate this section 2% (Kongu and Keetongu can be funny to watch).

 

Overall

 

While having some amusing interaction between the two protagonists, K&K is still immensely flawed, lacking in real humour and suffering from sentence issues. There is no connection to the characters, no characterisation and the plot is especially weak. Improvements can be made with heavier focus on characterisation and more description (without a setting that can be enjoyed, it is hard to really get at how chars try to be funny and what they do). A recommendation would be to read the works of comedy writers and see how they do things.

 

Rating in total: (20+3+2)/3 = 8.33%.

Edited February 16, 2015 by Umi Tryon

[user-402520536]

Thanks for the review. I'll try to make it better.

 

Also, the next episode of K&K will be uploaded later this week. Sorry 'bout this, but I'm just really busy these last few weeks.

 

EDIT: Ugh, I don't have time for this anymore. Turns out the episode above was the last. I have another project planned, though, so stay tuned! And thanks to all the readers who supported me, no matter how flawed it turned out to be. We all had fun, so that's all that mattered.

Edited March 18, 2015 by Aerixx: Gukko Lord