Hitman XIII: You Need Not Know The Name

[Kopekemaster]

Welcome, all. I am death, your omnipresent narrator.

It seems that The Shadowed One had grown bored of his Hitman games. Apparently, having some assemblage of characters kill each other just didn't carry quite the same... excitement that it once had.

So, this time, he decided to make a few... changes.

 

The first of which is merely an addition to the fact that you have no ultimate control over your fate. For every time you try to kill someone, I will roll (RNG) a 10-sided die. If you get a "6", then, unfortunately, your attack method fails. Badly. So badly, in fact, that you are the one to die. By your own hand, though not intentionally. So sorry.

 

Your profile must be sent in. You will set up your profile in the following way. There are six weapon options. There are six numbers (1-6). You will assign a number to each weapon. Then, that will, in essence, be your "tolerance" to that weapon. So, if you set a weapon to "4", and someone attacks you with that weapon, and they roll a four, you're safe. But if they get a five or a six, then you're toast. By this standard, whatever you set for "6" is your can't-be-killed-by weapon. Obviously, you can only use each number once. Here is an example of a profile:

 

Knife - 4

Sledgehammer - 3

Explosive - wait a minute.

No.

These weapons are much too boring.

 

I'm gonna pull my rank here and move TSO's hand myself. We're upping the ante with these weapons. Instead of the normal ones, you get to choose from these:

 

Saw

Nail

Meat Cleaver

Syringe, with a filling of your choice

Red Hot Poker

and, of course, the infamous and highly deadly Rusty Spoon

 

So, an example profile would be:

 

Saw - 3

Nails - 1

Meat Cleaver - 6

Syringe - 5

Red Hot Poker - 4

Rusty Spoon - 2

 

Ah, yes. This looks good. This should be a... very fun round. For me, at least.

 

When you send in a kill, it will look something like this.

 

"I wish to kill ~~~~~ with a ~~~~~~."

 

That's about it. If two people target each other, then they will be ordered chronologically. So, if the first person to send it in kills them, then they don't get to try to kill the first person. But if the first person fails, then the second person can have their turn.

 

Oh, and I guess I'll copy these rules from the previous game. They look good.

 

1. Use only a single PM to send in your targets - that is, don't start a new PM each round; just add a reply to the existing PM.
2. No changing targets. I will accept the first PM you send me, and will ignore any others you send in an attempt to switch your target.
3. No complaining about outcomes. I am not biased; I am genuinely just rolling the RNG. This game is a little bit of strategy with a whole lot of luck.

 

Oh, derp, forgot a roster:

 

1. Neo ShadowVezon  (Did not send in profile)

2. Col. Mustang

3. Doorman

4. Chris Pratt

5. Axilus Prime

6. Makuta Lukora

7. Chro

8. JAG18

9.

10.

11.

12.

 

(gonna make it a little smaller this round for sake of simplicity/not killing me, as well as generally smaller games recently)

Edited December 1, 2014 by Kopekemaster

[ShadowVezon]

I'll join.

[Burnmad]

In.

 

Filling all my syringes with HCl for fun times.

 

-

[ShadowVezon]

I prefer Smilex.

[Van Hohenheim]

I'll play. Add me in.

[Voltex]

Sure, count me in

[Axilus Prime]

I'm in as well.

 

Though the Shadowed One actually died in a previous game, I think.

[Kopekemaster]

Hey, I'm death. I can bring back people, if I want.

[Makuta Luroka]

I'll join

[Kopekemaster]

Just as a reminder, I need profiles for you all (except Col. Mustang).

[ShadowVezon]

Shame, I was hoping to take over Odina at some point. I suppose I can always do that later.

[Chro]

In!

[JAG18]

I'm in.  

[Kopekemaster]

So, I'm thinking we'll start on Monday. (As in, you will be able to send in kills on Monday, and at that point, people will not be allowed to join.)

 

And there are four spots left.

 

(And I still need a profile from Neo ShadowVezon and Chris Pratt.)

Edited November 29, 2014 by Kopekemaster

[Kopekemaster]

Send in your profilessssssssssss

 

Or you will be unable to play :/

(Same people as I mentioned before)

Edited December 1, 2014 by Kopekemaster

[Kopekemaster]

Well.

Sorry to say it, but Neo ShadowVezon has still not sent in his profile, so...

 

Anyway. The time for entries has ended.

The time for sending in kills has begun.

 

(As a reminder, use the original PM to send in your kill.)

[ShadowVezon]

Generally, hosts give until the end of the first round to post profiles. The first round has not yet ended. It's not like I forgot about it.

Edited December 1, 2014 by Neo ShadowVezon

[Van Hohenheim]

Generally, hosts give until the end of the first round to post profiles. The first round has not yet ended. It's not like I forgot about it.

Why procrastinate? He asked you to send in a profile, why refuse?

[Makuta Luroka]

Generally, hosts give until the end of the first round to post profiles. The first round has not yet ended. It's not like I forgot about it.

First of all, no.

Second, if you hadn't forgotten or anything like that, and made the commitment to sign up, surely you would have found the time to send in your resistance profile. It's six numbers.

[ShadowVezon]

Some people are busy, Luroka. BZPower isn't the most important use of my time. I'm a lot busier on Sundays than I am on Mondays. Also, in case you wanted evidence...

 

Everyone, I only got PMs from Unit, Lhik, Baltarc, Voltex and SV. Please send in your PMs before the beginning of round 1.

If you fail to submit a PM with your stats in it before 48 hours are up, any attempts on your life will automatically succeed.

You could do what I did: Anyone who fails to submit a profile by the time they are targeted will instantly die.

 If I don't get them by tomorrow, I will decide their resistances by RNG and begin the game.

[Burnmad]

None of those hosts would seem to be Kopekemaster.

 

*Snaps fingers*

[ShadowVezon]

True, but the point I'm getting at is that every time people have been late in the past, they've had until Round 1 starts to get their profile in. It's not like Kopekemaster said anything to the contrary up until Monday.

[Chro]

Many rules remain the same between games, but it's always important to read the OP thoroughly to ensure it. Looks like it wasn't all the same this time.

[Voltex]

Also, if you have ten seconds to sign up for a game... do you not also have ten seconds to send the Host a PM with a copy/pasted list of numbers?

[Kopekemaster]

I'd also like to point out that:

 

 

Just as a reminder, I need profiles for you all (except Col. Mustang).

 

(And I still need a profile from Neo ShadowVezon and Chris Pratt.)

 

 

Send in your profilessssssssssss

Or you will be unable to play :/

 

It's not like I didn't say it before.

Not to mention that

 

 

It's not like Kopekemaster said anything to the contrary up until Monday.

It's not like I said that you could wait to send in your profile until after Round One, either. Same thing.

 

 

Sorry, bro, but them's the breaks.

Oh, also, I still need kills from Lukora and Chris Pratt. Send those in by, oh, let's say, 6:00 P.M. Eastern Time, Tuesday.

Edited December 1, 2014 by Kopekemaster

[Axilus Prime]

Also, if you have ten seconds to sign up for a game... do you not also have ten seconds to send the Host a PM with a copy/pasted list of numbers?

This is pretty much the strongest argument here.

[Kopekemaster]

I've received all the hits, so I'll probably start writing (or at least, organizing) it today.

[Chro]

I can't wait to kill or be killed. Or both.

Probably both.

[Kopekemaster]

Or be killed by yourself. Always a possibility. ;D

 

The first of which is merely an addition to the fact that you have no ultimate control over your fate. For every time you try to kill someone, I will roll (RNG) a 10-sided die. If you get a "6", then, unfortunately, your attack method fails. Badly. So badly, in fact, that you are the one to die. By your own hand, though not intentionally. So sorry.

[Van Hohenheim]

10/10 best way to die

[Chro]

But of course. If I do that, I get to kill and be killed all at once.

[Kopekemaster]

 

But of course. If I do that, I get to kill and be killed all at once.

^

 |

 |

Edited December 2, 2014 by Kopekemaster

[Axilus Prime]

You guys just reminded me of something I saw once in the Youtube comments.

 

"I refuse to believe that the man who killed Hitler was anything less than a saint."

 

"Uh...you do know Hitler committed suicide, right?"

 

"Eh, Hitler couldn't have been that bad. I mean, he killed Hitler!"

 

"Yeah, but he also killed the guy who killed Hitler."

[Kopekemaster]

Hehe. Yeah.

 

Anyway, the story is fairly close to done, and I should be able to get it up sometime this afternoon or evening.

I say story because, well, it kind of turned into that a bit more than typical Hitman games do.

It's not too long, though. Don't worry.

[Chro]

You guys just reminded me of something I saw once in the Youtube comments.

 

"I refuse to believe that the man who killed Hitler was anything less than a saint."

 

"Uh...you do know Hitler committed suicide, right?"

 

"Eh, Hitler couldn't have been that bad. I mean, he killed Hitler!"

 

"Yeah, but he also killed the guy who killed Hitler."

I have literally had that exact conversation with someone on YT before, almost word-for-word.

[Kopekemaster]

The following is rated PG-13 for graphic violence.

(well, kinda. it's all pretty goofy, still.)

 

 

(let's pretend that bonkles have blood, mkay? that also kind of helps the whole syringe thing)

Our scene begins in, well, Axilus' kitchen.
Let's move a little closer to hear what he's saying, yeah?

"Aww, man. Col. Mustang is gonna taste soooooo good. So good."
Honestly, I'm a bit surprised. I wasn't aware that Axilus was quite of that... culinary bent. Oh well. All's fair in love and Hitman, right? Especially this round, hosted by your gracious host, me.
Who am I?
Silly, I'm the guy who wrote the "OP". Death. That's me! No, not the grim reaper. He's just one of my goonies. I'm the big man, himself. The very impersonation of the concept.

Welcome. Also, conveniently, I'm capable of conversing telepathically with our multitude of players today. Funny that they don't notice how odd it is to be talking to someone in your head, but it matters not.

Now that all our pleasantries are over, let's get back to Axilus. Oh, I see what he's doing now. He's got that meat cleaver out. And he's... chopping onions with it. What an idiot. You're supposed to use the... the chef's knife for that. No, not that one. That's a paring knife.
No, not... yeah, that one. You just use a rocking motion, see?

What do you mean it's not sharp enough? I made sure to sharpen them all before...

Oh-KAY then. Fine, go back to using your meat cleaver to chop the onions, carrots, and celery. While you're chopping those, have you debated about putting any, you know, seasonings in the stew as well? I can't imagine it will taste too great without them. Protosteel tastes rather, well, metallic.

You're not?

Okay, buddy. I'm about fed up with your insolence. I'm just gonna make a few little... changes to some things here, and...
Perfect.

I'm looking at Axilus, chopping up his carrots. That cleaver sure chops nicely.
Through fingers, too.
For some utterly inexplicable reason, it looks like Axilus hasn't stopped at chopping up that carrot. He's continuing, slicing slowly away at his fingers. His pain receptors tell him something is going wrong, and he looks down in horror at his hand, now fingerless. He tries to pull his hand away, but it seems like it's stuck there for some reason.
Blood is pouring out onto the chopping board.
He attempts to force his hand, holding the cleaver, to stop its incessant chopping motion, but he can't. It's like a masochistic version of The Magician's Apprentice.
Then the knife stops. Axilus realizes that his throat is hoarse, from the screaming that he indubitably did. His entire head seems to be screeching in his ears, so he couldn't tell anyway. But the knife has stopped. He can calm down now.
But the knife-holding hand (now, of course, the only hand remaining) scrapes the carrots, fingers, and the pieces of his wrist into the pot.
It sizzles, and a delicious smell wafts up from the mixture.
Of its own accord, Axilus's body lays the rest of his arm down onto the cutting board. The cleaver comes down, hard, once, twice, three times, The protodermis skeleton snaps at each strike, and blood covers the board once more, pouring over the edges and onto Axilus' tile floor.
The pain, sudden blood loss, and horror takes its toll on Axilus' heart. It stops.
He falls on the floor, dead.
But his body isn't quite done yet. It chops the pieces of his arm into convenient, bite-sized pieces, and scrapes them all into the pot.
That blood sure will make a great broth.

Phew. I think I'm about done with that guy. But who's this fella' waltzin' down the road towards the late Axilus' house?
Oh, yeah, it's that guy Chro. I drift a little closer, and notice that he's got a poorly-cleaned and highly unsanitary spoon in his hand, and he's singing a little song.
Here I come, Axilus,
Gonna spoon ya up real good,
Here I come, Axilus,
Gonna turn you into yummy food.
Actually, I doubt that qualifies as a song. More like the ramblings of a raving madman, bent on murder.
My favorite kind of madman.
He opens the door and looks around carefully for Axilus.
Here I come, Axilus,
Not seeing him, he stands up and sniffs.
Gonna spoon ya up real good,
"What is that? Stew?"
Here I come, Axilus,
"I love stew."
Gonna turn you into yummy food.
Chro walks into the kitchen, sees the steaming pot, goes towards it, and notices the prostrate body of Axilus on the floor.
"Darn it. Looks like someone got to him before me."
He looks from side to side, to make sure that no one else is there (hey, I'm invisible unless I don't want to be), then puts his spoon in the soup and takes out a bit. He waits for it to cool off, then pops it in his mouth.
"Pretty good, but needs some seasoning."
I TOLD HIM, I want to scream. But I don't.
"But hey, food is food."
Chro rifles through Axilus' cabinets until he finds a bowl, then spoons some Axilus stew into it. He takes a seat at the table, waits for the soup to cool down a bit, and begins eating it. He takes a magazine off the table, "Makuta Monthly", and begins reading.
What a happy scene.
Oh, boy, looks like another guy is coming to Axilus' house. Who is it, this time?
Oh, it's Col. Mustang. I guess he should be glad that Axilus killed himself before he had a change to kill him. Yeah. Axilus killed himself. I wasn't involved.

That's what happened. Yeah.

Anyway, Col. Mustang sends out a burst of fire, blowing open the [unlocked] front door. He jumps in, and yells. "LET'S GET ACIDIC."
Chro frowns at him, and says, "He's already dead. Unless you're here for me."
Mustang drops his hands to his sides and lowers his head, muttering obscenities.
"I got this syringe filled with my special blend and everything."
Chro gets up and pats him on the back. "Hey, don't feel bad, buddy. He was dead when I got here, too. But there's some stew on the stove. Help yourself."
Mustang's face brightens.
Chro shows him where the the bowls are, then goes back to his bowl.
"Um, do we have spoons?" Mustang asks.
"Oh, are there not any up there? Oh well. I brought some extras."
Chro tosses Mustang a rusty spoon, and Mustang looks at it with disgust, then washes it off at the sink.
He then joins Chro and tastes a bit of his stew. He frowns.
"Needs some salt, don't you think?"
Chro nods.
Mustang opens a small case, full of syringes. He looks through them for a minute, then finds the "Salt Water" one, shows Chro, and squirts a little in each bowl.
Much better, they agree.

Doorman heard somewhere that Chro had been seen going to Axilus' house. So, of course, that's where he goes. He has his rusty spoon ready.
He figured that he'd go for the eyes, first. He had always wanted to scoop someone's eyes out and eat them, fresh. He imagined that they would have a little chew to them, then they'd pop and the inter-ocular fluid would flood his mouth and taste receptors. He'd dreamed of it a hundred times.
He heads into Axilus' house, only to be greeted by two fellows sitting at a table, eating a blood-red soup.
Very blood-red.
That didn't really matter, though. He is here on a mission, and that mission is Chro's eyes. So beautiful, they must taste amazing.
He dashes towards Chro, spoon swinging.
Chro grabs his arm, and gently guides the spoon down into the stew pot, which they had moved to the table for easy access.
Doorman looks stunned for a minute, then realizes that this is a good thing. He pulls the spoon out, loaded with Axilus-meat, and tastes it.
"Fantastic."
He grabs a bowl, fills it, and sits down by the others who are eating contentedly, all wishes for murder sated.
Before long, though, I see Lukora peeking through the window. He rushes through the doorway, the door of which had been blown off by Col. Mustang's alchemy, and towards Chro, syringe dripping pure adrenaline.
He swings it at Chro's heart, but Doorman grabs his wrist before the weapon met its target. He shakes his head slowly, disapproving of his action. He forces the syringe out of Lukora's hand, and it falls, useless, to the ground.
Chro, without a word, pulls out a rusty spoon and hands it to Lukora, then fills a bowl with the stew and gives it to him.
Just as Lukora begins eating, JAG18 dashes through the door, intending to bring down his heavy meat cleaver onto Lukora's head.
It never makes its target, since Lukora handily removes the cleaver from JAG18's hands, and sticks it into the still-bloody chopping board.
"We want stew, not war," he says.
JAG18 joins the stew-party, and they all remain happy for a few minutes, before, inevitably, Mr. Chris Pratt joins the party. He hefts his poorly-sharpened saw, looking Chro in the eye. Before anyone can stop him, he slams Chro's arm down onto the table and begins running the sawblade back and forth over it. The teeth rip away at Chro's armor, and he looks up in horror at the others around the table. They're all frozen in shock at the rude interruption from their feast.
Veins bursting, tendons ripping, muscles tearing and nerves screaming in pain, Chro's arm dangles by one remaining piece of armor. Chris rips it off, then begins with the next arm.
Then one leg.
Then the other.
Finally, instead of performing the obligatory saw-off-the-head step, he starts from the lower torso, sawing his way up. Somehow, Chro remains conscious throughout the entire ordeal, the pain somehow not breaking the threshold of what he could take.
Before long, though, his body has to give up, once Chro has been sawed into twenty-three pieces. Chris then borrows JAG18's meat cleaver, and chops up Chro into smaller pieces, ordering someone to put the pot back on the stove.
"It's about time we got some more meat in there, eh?"

I give them a little time to heat up the stew, cook the Chro-meat, and eat a little more, before realizing that this scene is about over. Time to change the location, eh?
How about that infernal place. Oh, what do they call it.

Oh, yeah. "Heck."

I instantly transport them all there, then look back at the scene they had left. Someone else is coming through Axilus' door.
Who is that?
It's Neo ShadowVezon! He just missed the party, I suppose. He looks around, calls out for the others, realizes that they're all gone, then notices the stew.
He eats a few bowls of it before making his departure.




tl;dr, Axilus killed himself, Chro, Mustang, Doorman, Lukora, and JAG18 ate him. Chris Pratt ruined the party by sawing Chro into little bits, but made it better by adding them to the stew. The whole party left this scene by way of my inter-spacial powers. Neo ShadowVezon showed up late to the party, and feasted on the remnants of the stew.

Dead:
Axilus
Chro

Alive:
Mustang
Doorman
Lukora
JAG18
Chris Pratt

Not really existent in our current plane of existence:
Neo ShadowVezon

[Voltex]

That was the most twisted scene I've ever read

Also cool, mine was the only successful kill! Which of course means that my death next round is obligatory. Someone shall succeed.

[Chro]

Man, I'm sorry, but the right-oriented text is a pain in the butt. I don't know why but it's confusing to read.

Scene was great though.

[Kopekemaster]

Man, I'm sorry, but the right-oriented text is a pain in the butt. I don't know why but it's confusing to read.

Scene was great though.

Yeah, I know, I want to be able to change it on an individual-post basis, but I haven't had any luck with it.

 

Also, the time has opened for kills to be sent in, again. That will remain open until 6:00 P.M. (Eastern time) Thursday evening.

Edited December 3, 2014 by Kopekemaster

[Axilus Prime]

Well, dead again! And in the strangest way I could have thought of, too.

 

Very funny scene. I get a creepypasta vibe from the whole thing too.