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The Jester's Revenge

Grimm Fairy Tales

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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline spyder ryder

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Posted Nov 04 2011 - 07:20 PM

Once upon a time there lived a Queen who was renowned far and wide for her beauty. Her name was Roodaka, and she ruled the land of Xia. All who met her would be awed by her flawless appearance, especially when she would look upon them with her brilliant blue eyes. It could truly said that she was the most gorgeous creature who ever lived The same could not be said for her heart. Most doubt that she ever really had one, for she was a harsh and wicked Vortixx. She lorded tyrannically over her kingdom, and there was not a single person who was not afraid of her. They were so afraid that they let her tax them as much money her black heart desired. Anyone who lived in Xia was as poor as could be. But it simply couldn’t be helped. They never dared to go out when she rode by in her carriage. If she caught sight of anyone whom she thought to have the least bit of beauty, they would be executed immediately. The queen was as envious as she was greedy. Indeed, it seemed that nobody could ever remember being happy. However, the queen rarely made such trips into town. She spent most of her time between admiring herself in one of her numerous mirrors and making her servant miserable. There was only a servant in the castle because no one else could put up with her. The queen would mercilessly berate her even if she managed to live up to her impossible demands. One day a Skakdi came to Xia. His name was Vezon, and he was a traveling jester. He was a wiry fellow with a grin like a crescent moon. He walked into the city and jingled his bells to let everyone know of his arrival. He was surprised when nobody came out to greet him. This was because the jingling of his bells sounded very much like the reins of the queen’s carriage. “How strange,” he said to himself, “I’m a person without a town, and here is a town without any people.” He looked around to see if he could find anyone, but his efforts were in vain. Finally he spotted the queen’s castle. “Now there,” he said, “Is where I would like to be.” So the Skakdi made the journey up to the castle door and knocked three times. The door was finally answered by the servant girl, who was a young, meek-looking Vortixx. She asked him who he was and why he had come there. “I’ve come to entertain the royals,” answered the Skakdi, “If they wish me to do so.” The servant let him in even though she knew the queen hated entertainers. The poor girl just hoped that he would draw some of the monarch’s attention away from her. She led him into the grand hall, where the queen sat on her bejeweled throne. The Skakdi fell in love with her the moment he saw her. He did not know about the cold wickedness that hid behind her beauty, and it is doubtful he would have cared if he had. “What is this?” sneered the queen. She had a voice that was as soft as satin, but her words cut like a jagged knife. The servant girl stepped forward and spoke as meekly as a mouse. “This is Vezon,” she said, “And he is a fool.” The queen stood up from her throne and bore down at the two of them with her piercing eyes. She was absolutely appalled by the Skakdi. “Well I can see that,” said the queen, “And so are you, apparently. Get him out of my sight!” The Skakdi stepped forward and tried to convince her to let him stay. “Please your majesty,” he said, “I can do many things to amuse you. Everyone likes to laugh.” The queen gave him a disgusted frown. She ordered her guards to execute him immediately. The Skakdi was hauled off to the kitchen and thrown in an enormous iron oven, where he burned to ashes. Sometime later the queen was hosting a feast for several fellow rulers, the most prominent of which was a powerful Makuta called Teridax. He was the only person she feared, and so she was especially hard on the servants to make everything perfect. The poor servant girl was worked so hard she felt as though she would collapse. Just as she finished preparing the main course, a tiny voice cried out from the oven. “Little one, little one, let me out,” it said. The servant was terrified. Still, she spoke out to the peculiar voice. “What do you want?” asked the frightened girl. “To right wrongs,” it replied, “To right wrongs.” The servant grasped the handle and opened the door. Instantly a white vapor rose up from the ashes and began to emerge from the oven. The Vortixx watched as it crept along the floor, and snuck out beneath the door. The servant girl followed, unsure of what she had done. She quietly trailed it to the dining hall, where the queen and her guests sat eating. The servant girl hid herself behind a curtain and watched as the vapor turned into the fool. The queen spotted the fool, and was so terrified that she couldn’t speak. She watched in horror as the specter began to dance about the room. When it became evident to her that only she was the one who could see it, she tried her best to ignore its bizarre antics. The fool’s ghost stood behind the guests, mocking their gestures and caricaturizing them. All the while the wretched queen became more and more nervous. She tried very hard to pay attention to the Makuta, who was telling the partygoers of his amazing deeds. He was a very proud person and did not like to be interrupted. It was then that the specter did something terrible, and the queen was unable to do anything to stop him. He crept up behind her chair, reached out with his spindly arms, and began to tickle her belly. The servant girl watched from behind the curtain as the queen struggled to hold in her laughter. Finally the queen could stop it no more, and she let out a long peal of laughter. Everyone at the table fell silent and looked at her, including the Makuta. His face took on a look of fiery anger. When the queen saw it she was mortified. “Are you laughing at me?” snarled the Makuta. The fool was still tickling the monarch and thus she could only respond with wild laughter. This angered the Makuta so much that he stomped over to the queen, drew his sword, and chopped off her head. With the death of the tyrant queen, peace came to Xia once more. The servant girl was named ruler, and under her reign the kingdom prospered. She took up abode in the old castle and lived there. Sometimes, on dark, moonlit nights, she would see the old queen and the fool chasing each other down the halls.

Edited by spyder ryder, Nov 10 2011 - 07:36 PM.

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#2 Offline SuperStickman117

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Posted Nov 05 2011 - 07:43 AM

Very well done, I like how you wrote it like a Brother's Grimm tale. One thing, though;

Because very no one would put up with her.

I think you should delete the "very", but tha's the only thing I could find.

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#3 Offline Fighty

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Posted Nov 10 2011 - 01:34 AM

First, I'll start with the things I didn't like.The main problem I had with this story is that your sentences lack a sense of strong action. You tend to overuse passive voice, linking verbs, and phrases like 'it is doubtful' or 'it seemed.' These can be fine in some situations, but they tend to make sentences boring and lifeless. Here are some examples from your story, as well as examples of how they could be improved to increase a conveyed sense of action.

All who met her would be awed by her flawless appearance.Her flawless appearance awed all who met her.

Indeed, it seemed that nobody could ever remember being happy.Indeed, no one could ever remember being happy.

The queen would mercilessly berate herThe queen mercilessly berated her.

The door was finally answered by the servant girl, who was a young, meek-looking Vortixx.The servant girl - a young, meek-looking Vortixx - finally answered the door.

Most doubt that she ever really had oneTruth is, she never really had one.

There is nothing grammatically wrong with the way that you've structured these sentences, but they aren't very gripping and are fairly uninteresting. Having strong sentences is key to creating an engaging tale. Beyond just avoiding passive voice, you could also employ other literary tools - hyperbole, vivid descriptions, etc. - to really grab your reader's attention. Make them want to read your story. Reel them in with every passing word.There were some pretty implausible plot twists, such as the servant girl becoming ruler (the queen dies and the throne automatically goes to her lowest slave?), but considering that this is a "Brother's Grimm"-style story, I won't fault you for that. Seriously, was there ever a fairy tale that was plausible?Now, for the things I did like.Your take on the Bionicle lore was very intriguing, and your "Brothers Grimm" style helped the story immensely. It was a fun story to read; I loved your portrayal of Roodaka as the merciless dictator and Vezon as the mysterious jester. The characters were one-note but they were enjoyable and fulfilled their purpose well. I'm also a sucker for revenge tales, so I was immensely satisfied to see Roodaka get her comeuppance at the end. I also loved how you chose to off Roodaka; the ghost didn't simply kill her with his "spirit"-powers or something stupid like that, he tickled her, making her seem insolent to Makuta, who then killed her. The jester got his vengeance in a delicious twist of irony, which I appreciated.Overall, this was a delightful little tale. It wasn't exactly deep, and it had its fair share of cliches and frothiness, but it entertained me. Well done.

Edited by TheMightyFighty, Nov 10 2011 - 01:35 AM.

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