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The Adventures of Sumiki's Dad 2: Vakama Eats Spam


Sumiki

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Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't.

- William Shakespeare, Hamlet, 2.2.208

 

CHAPTER ONE

typewriter

 
-----It was a wonderful day in the great city of Metru Nui. Rahi chirped before being hunted down by deranged Archivists, Vahki, recently programmed to enjoy sunlight, did so as they charged their staves to fire at any Matoran unlucky enough not to be doing something productive, and Ko-Matoran huddled about in their towers of ice, looking like termites inside a Fortress of Solitude for a gigantic Superman.
 
-----But we begin our tale—or, at least, its preamble—in the district of Po-Metru, where carvers hammered out all manner of pointless collectibles. One carver—who hated his job more than most—went by the name of Ahkmou.
 
-----There was a rap on Ahkmou's door. He jumped up excitedly—was this the level 8 Kanoka he ordered as a Naming Day gift for himself? Well, even if it wasn't, he felt that anything was better than hammering away at another trinket. Any diversion was most welcome in his eyes. 
 
-----He opened the door and immediately dropped the hammer he didn't realize he was still carrying. It fell onto his foot, but he didn't feel it, for standing before him were the most bizarre Rahi that he had ever seen.
 
-----They were, in point of fact, two six-foot-tall hummingbirds, identical in every way imaginable. They stood at attention in the door—well, all save their heads, which twisted around this way and that until Ahkmou was dizzy by proxy.
 
-----"What … what are you?" the Matoran stuttered after a few minutes.
 
-----"T-Typewriter?" one of the hummingbirds asked.
 
-----"I'm sorry … what?"
 
-----"Typewriter," the other said, with a little more confidence. Hummingbirds, even ones six feet tall, are not supposed to talk, and even though Ahkmou had never seen a hummingbird before, he intuitively knew this.
 
-----"Type … writer?" Ahkmou was positively confused. He thought about calling the Archivists, but then he remembered that no one had telephones.
 
-----"We … want … typewriter."
 
-----Ahkmou was off rummaging through his things. Nuparu had given him something one time, a peculiar, sort of squat mechanical item that looked more like a torture device than something that would, to quote the inventor, 'put Chroniclers out of the Chronicling business.' Ahkmou thought that his Onu-Matoran acquaintance called it a typewriter, and since he—along with everyone Nuparu had pestered with copies—had no real use for the thing ...
 
-----After some time, he found it buried underneath a small pile of potatoes in an unassuming corner of his little hut. Figuring that the hummingbirds wouldn't really know the difference between it and whatever they might otherwise be looking for, he presented it to them and hoped that he'd get them to go away.
 
-----The hummingbirds were beyond pleased once they caught sight of it and went into restrained dances as Ahkmou got closer. One of the hummingbirds took it in its furry wings and immediately smashed Ahkmou over the mask with it, breaking the typewriter into two big pieces as parts of it went everywhere. The Matoran was on the floor before he knew what had hit him.
 
-----Conspiratorially—or, to be fair, as conspiratorially as hummingbirds can ever look—the duo tramped awkwardly through the house and located an inexplicable refrigerator. Hooting and squawking excitedly, the hummingbirds opened it up and stole the jar of milk, drinking it and splashing it around on the ground and on each other as they waddled out of the house and down the street. Edited by Sumiki
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With the title 'Vakama Eats Spam,' I wasn't expecting two six foot tall hummingbirds to knock Ahkmou out with a typewriter. :P

 

This was a really interesting chapter. I can't wait to see where the story goes from here. 

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Can't wait to see what typewriters and milk jars have to do with Vakama eating Spam. =P

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-Rahkshi Guurahk
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That was random. 

 

And what is most striking about this piece is that's all that ever needed to be said. I was just about ready to review a story and claim that the lack of birds was the key to solving a mystery. As such, you have provided my answer. Thank you very much, and have an excellent day.  

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The metaphysical post-structuralism inherent in the implied pre-narrative evokes a profound meditation on the duality of Matoran.

 

 

 

 

It was funny and I want more.

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"And at the closing of the day              


                     She loosed the chain, and down she lay;              


                The broad stream bore her far away,              


           The Lady of Shalott."              


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CHAPTER TWO

spam

 
-----After a pleasant day of excitement at BrickFair, the group known as Team Farm Animals made their second trip of the day across parking lots to the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. Everyone had at least two hats on as they went up to the counter and ordered breadsticks wholesale. Presently Sumiki excused himself from the table.
 
-----Pablo was discussing his latest hat acquisitions (or "hatquisitions," as he called them), and Xaeraz talked of turning slaps into a legitimate percussion instrument.
 
-----Sumiki's Dad walked into the establishment, and was the only one not hatted. He sat down across from Takuma and pulled out a plastic bag, weighed down by what appeared to be a lump of canned goods. He placed it on the adjacent seat, right into Valendale's lap.
 
-----"That's in my lap," Valendale said. He was the first to order and had already eaten one of his breadsticks.
 
-----"I know," Sumiki's Dad said. He pulled out a toothbrush from his back pocket and began combing his nascent beard with its fine teeth. "I have a present for everyone."
 
-----"Hold up a minute," Valendale said. "This bag's from … Wal-Mart." His eyes narrowed as he flung the bag across the room, landing on a table occupied by a pleasant-looking family of four. The bag broke open, scattering cans of Spam everywhere.
 
-----"Spam?" Pablo asked. "Why would you bring us Spam?"
 
-----Sumiki's Dad walked calmly over to retrieve one of the cans of Spam, wiping the cheese off and returning it to the tray from whence it came (belonging currently to a thoroughly oblivious five-year-old). He dramatically presented the can to everyone in order, to the ever-increasing distress of the employees and the other patrons.
 
-----"Yeah, I think we've seen Spam before," Avohkah Tamer said. He was increasingly anxious to finish his breadsticks elsewhere, but decided against abandoning the premises in a move researchers would later call "ill-advised."
 
-----"Gentlemen," Sumiki's Dad said in a terrible imitation of Morgan Freeman. "I present to you … Spam."
 
-----With the last word, he cracked open the can.
 
-----Immediately, a whirlwind emerged from the can, knocking over tables and chairs, upending the looser tiles from the floor, and thoroughly alarming everyone inside. Sumiki's Dad held onto the can for as long as he could, but let go as soon as the can began dragging him around the place.
 
-----The can of Spam, having thus been let loose, no longer contained itself and spat out an explosion of light to go along with the vortex engulfing the middle of the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. The family of four jumped out of the window.
 
-----"We have to get out of here!" Takuma yelled over the din.
 
-----Xaeraz threw a canister of marinara sauce at the Spam, only for it to disappear into the now-swirling vortex of incorporeal power.
 
-----It was no use. The can of Spam had settled into the exact center of the building, slowly sucking Team Farm Animals into its mushy, preservative-laden depths.
 
-----Presently they were gone. The can of Spam had crumpled up as if run over by Hulk Hogan's private fleet of monster trucks, because Hulk Hogan looks like a guy who'd have a private fleet of monster trucks, brother.
 
-----One employee—a guy named Bob—bravely popped his head up from behind the counter to survey the damage. His eyes darted around in an attempt to see if the Spam storm had passed.
 
-----Sumiki emerged. "I heard a noise …" he said. Broken glass dotted a thoroughly ruined interior, although the mini-maelstrom did not touch anywhere but the dining area. None of the breadstick-eating crowd could be seen. "Here we go again."
 
-----He stood for a while before this scene, only to be broken of this stupor when Bob handed him his breadsticks.
 
-----"Nice hat," Bob said.
 
-----"Thank you. It's actually three hats. See?"
 
-----"Hey, that's pretty cool …"
 
-----A small crowd had poured out of a conveniently placed Arby's and were staring agape at the blasted-out combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.
 
-----"Quick," Sumiki said, handing Bob his hot dog-shaped hat. "Wear this."
 
-----Bob was glad to.
 
-----"Now … I need your help."

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Y'all might think that The Adventures of Sumiki's Dad is fiction, but ask any member of Team Farm Animals.

 

We DID go into the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut, each of us wearing hats, ordered breadsticks and had Sumiki wait longer for his to arrive.

 

Oh, also the spam and Bob. That also happened.

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So thats what happens when you open a can of spam. I should open one in my local Target and see how people react. :P

 

I have a feeling that we will find our group in Metru Nui next chapter, and they will meet a certain character that likes to eat spam. :)

 

Good job on the chapter!

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CHAPTER THREE

possum-bilities

 
-----The streets of Metru Nui were filled with all sorts of species filling all sorts of jobs, but none as singularly peculiar as what Makuta found himself doing.
 
-----He had gone to Metru Nui to impersonate Turaga Dume, with the purpose of sending Mata Nui into an eternal sleep, but had, on his way to the Coliseum, seen an old ice cream truck in an alley. This old truck had, before its abandonment, been converted into a garbage truck, and bags had fallen out of the back.
 
-----The trash had attracted the possum population of the Coliseum district, which was admittedly quite small but had, to their collective advantage, the ability to strike paralyzing and irrational fear into the hearts of overzealous Vahki and enterprising Archivists. The dozen-odd possums had found a never-ending feast in the trash, and had elected two of their own to positions of office: Claude, the president, and Nernst, the vice president. Neither of them actually did anything, but the possums felt better about their chances if they had some kind of government.
 
-----Makuta had just donned a hand-painted (though not very well) Kiril, but that was as far as he'd gotten before noticing this strange artifact of the alleys. He dragged it out and fixed it up by hand (also not very well), eventually getting it to the point where it'd run, albeit at only about five miles an hour. The possums followed it, either by crawling up and nesting in amongst the trash, or—for the few marsupials with a desire for exercise—by following the truck at a reasonable distance.
 
-----To disguise his terrible Dume disguise, Makuta sported a thin handlebar mustache and spoke in a French accent. His work—in as far at it could reasonably be called "work"—entailed driving around the Coliseum district, selling beet-flavored ice cream out of the front and trash out of the back. The trash sales angered the possums, who sent Claude and Nernst to negotiate with Makuta, but Makuta assured them that a fresh supply of trash was loaded daily. Since this assuaged their concerns, the possums didn't think to try and get a cut of the trash sales.
 
-----One particular day, Makuta marveled at the lack of Matoran around the Coliseum area.
 
-----"There aren't very many Matoran here," Makuta marveled.
 
-----"Didn't you hear?" Claude Possum said. "They're having a big competition in the Coliseum soon. Everyone's on the other side in line for tickets."
 
-----"Really?"
 
-----"Yes. And stop using that accent when no one's around. It's embarrassing."
 
-----"Oh? And an opossum is lecturing me on language now?"
 
-----An indignant Claude retreated to the back, where he was working on a rotting banana peel.
 
-----Makuta drove on for a little ways. Soon, BLACK SIX approached the vehicle, pulling out a card from his wallet.
 
-----"EXCUSE ME," BLACK SIX said. "I HAVE A COUPON."
 
-----"Hon hon hon," Makuta chuckled. "Let me see …"
 
-----"I HEARD THAT THIS PLACE HAS GREAT ICE CREAM."
 
-----Makuta handed the coupon back. "No ice cream; this is a coupon for you to watch five minutes of me supergluing pistachios onto my arm—at a discount rate, naturally. Let me see … that will be seventeen widgets."
 
-----"OH, REALLY? WHAT'S THE CONVERSION R—WAIT, WHAT?"
 
-----Makuta shrugged. "It's all in the fine print."
 
-----BLACK SIX was rightfully and thoroughly disturbed by this point and walked backwards as fast as possible to remove himself from the situation. Claude reemerged in time to stop Makuta from going through with supergluing any pistachios.
 
-----Presently they heard a series of thuds. Makuta stopped the vehicle and got out to investigate.
 
-----Sumiki's Dad was the first to get up. "Where are we now?"
 
-----Makuta looked stunned. "Who are you?"
 
-----"Brillo pad."
 
-----Gradually the rest of Team Farm Animals got up. Xaeraz fared the worst, as he'd quite literally splashed down into a grimy puddle. He vowed to slap the responsible party.
 
-----"Makuta," Pablo said. "We meet again."
 
-----"Again?" Makuta said. "Wait, uh … I'm not Makuta."
 
-----"Yeah, we know, you're Will Ferrell," Takuma said, spitting out the name like it was some kind of curse.
 
-----"Will Ferrell?" Makuta said. "What are you all talking about?"
 
-----"Guys," Avohkah Tamer said. "This is Metru Nui. He hasn't met us yet."
 
-----At once, they looked at Sumiki's Dad, who was holding a manhole cover.
 
-----"What's that for?" Takuma asked.
 
-----"Camouflage," Sumiki's Dad whispered violently. He crouched down and began power-walking in a circle, all while holding the heavy disk above his head.
 
-----"Does he know something we don't?" Pablo asked.
 
-----Xaeraz immediately followed suit, although he neither crouched nor power-walked past Makuta. But the grimy water left on his hands made them slippery, and while he passed over a diminutive Makuta, it slipped and knocked the Master of Shadows right on his falsely French head.
 
-----Claude approached the group. "Greetings, strange beings," he said. "I am—"
 
-----"You're a talking possum," Valendale said. "Who's the strange one?"
 
-----"Excuse me," Claude said. "I am none other than President Claude O'Possum."
 
-----"Okay. Do you need anything?"
 
-----Claude looked puzzled for a second. "No, actually, just wanted to introduce myself." With that, he scampered back to the trash.
 
-----"Man, what is it with the possums?" Avohkah Tamer asked.
 
-----No one could answer that question, for a squad of heavily armored Vahki came around the corner and rushed to surround Team Farm Animals, backing them up into a circle around the gross truck.
 
-----"Everyone have their manhole covers?" Sumiki's Dad said. Affirmations came from all around.
 
-----The leader of the Vahki, a Keerahk, readied its serrated staves, aiming them directly at Sumiki's Dad.

Edited by Sumiki
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Who wants to bet that Team Farm Animals will be saved by the typewriter-wielding hummingbirds? :P

 

Anyways, this was another good chapter. I never thought I would see Makuta working with a group of possums under any circumstances. :P

 

I can't wait to see what happens next.

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CHAPTER FOUR

bean core

 
-----Before the Keerahk could fire, a hailstorm of lemons came from above, pelting and confusing the Vahki. Sumiki's Dad used the opportunity to heave the manhole cover at the Vahki's head, knocking it clean off to reveal an array of sparking clockwork underneath. The rest of the squad, naturally wary of fruit, were now left leaderless and abandoned the area in short order.

-----"They've got to be going for backup," came a voice from the top of the gross truck. His voice had a peculiar Irish inflection and sounded slightly muffled. "We won't have much time."

-----Pablo climbed up onto the truck. "Brickeens?"

-----Brickeens shushed him. "I'm not Brickeens here. I need to keep my identity safe."

-----" :???: " Pablo said.

-----"What is that I don't even,"

-----"Well, what should we call you, then?" Avohkah Tamer cut in.

-----Brickeens looked into the distance, striking a majestic, almost philosophical stance. "I am Bean Core, guardian of the Beans."

-----"MATA NUI QUIVERS BEFORE HIM!" Xaeraz thundered.

-----"Beans," Sumiki's Dad muttered. "Beans beans beans."

-----"What does it bean?" Pablo said.

-----"Bean there, done that." Xaeraz said.

-----Much to Brickeens' chagrin, the two continued exchanging bean puns. A few slaps were exchanged, which corrected the problem.

-----"Alright," Sumiki's Dad said. "The only way we're going to get back is if we find some way of getting back."

-----"Anybody got a Ziploc?" Avohkah Tamer asked.

-----Everyone mumbled a dejected variation of "nope."

-----"Well then," Sumiki's Dad continued. "We cannot rely on King Nernst for our rescue this time. We must rely on the twelfth most powerful substance in existence."

-----"Spam?" Valendale asked.

-----Sumiki's Dad shook his head. "No. That is the fifth most powerful substance. I talk, of course, about Pepto-Bismol."

-----All nodded their heads grimly, except for Brickeens, who was just flat-out confused, and Pablo, who was still so busy trying to think up new bean-related puns that the conversation had gone entirely over his head.

-----A voice piped up behind them. "Did anyone say ... Pepto-Bismol?"

-----Team Farm Animals turned as one to face the direction of the voice. Toa Vakama ambled towards them, casually gnawing on a massive hunk of Spam. "I think I can help you with that," he said.

-----"Where can you get it?" Sumiki's Dad asked. Vakama's sudden appearance—not to mention his apparent love for Spam—did not seem to phase the Eggplant Muse.

-----Vakama laughed and gave Sumiki's Dad a strange look. "You don't really know the extent of what I'd have to do to get it, do you?" He tore off a bit of the Spam and tossed it into his mouth, grinning all the way.

-----Sumiki's Dad got a little closer to the Toa of Fire. "Listen, oh great and powerful crawdad-like dude. You like Spam."

-----"You know, my one regret is that I was not destined to be Toa of Spam," Vakama said.

-----"I come from a place where there is endless spam."

-----Vakama's eyes widened.

-----"I can get you an endless supply of spam."

-----Vakama was now visibly enthralled. "Endless?"

-----Sumiki's Dad nodded.

-----Vakama motioned to the shadows behind him. "In that case, let me introduce you to the Toa Metru: I'm—"

-----"Yeah, we know who y'all are," Valendale said. "But we got off topic. Where's the Pepto?"

-----Vakama's mood darkened immediately. "The Pepto-Bismol is whispered about in the darkest corners of the city. No one is supposed to know of its existence, but … well, you know how rumors spread."

-----"Where is it?" Takuma asked.

-----Vakama pointed to the Coliseum. "It's in there," he said. "Turaga Dume's inner sanctum, from what anyone can gather. But the entire place is crawling with Vahki, especially for the competition they've got going on. It's not going to be pretty."

-----"But can we get it?"

-----Vakama looked at the group. Sure, they looked like pathetic Rahi, and their attire was strange, and one of them still held onto a manhole cover. But there was the promise of infinite Spam, and the many tendrils of that thought wormed their way around in the recesses of his preservative-addled brain.

-----"Let's find out," the Toa of Fire replied.

Edited by Sumiki
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Vakama eating spam. I didn't think I would see that here. :P

 

Joking aside, this is another good chapter. Its good that Team Farm Animals has a goal now. I can't wait to see how they attempt to get into the Coliseum.

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CHAPTER FIVE

deus ex machina


-----Team Farm Animals joined the Toa Metru in a hideout in an alley near the Coliseum. Sumiki's Dad took the liberty of sitting down on a manhole cover, but was the only one to do so. Vakama carved out a plan of attack in a block of stone that Onewa had created moments prior.
 
-----"We'll split into two groups," he said. "One group will be a part of the competition itself. The squishy-looking ones will be perfect as a distraction. Attract the attention of the Vahki and whomever else. The rest of us, along with—" he pointed at Sumiki's Dad. "I'm sorry, I forgot your name."
 
-----"Sumiki's Dad," Sumiki's Dad said.
 
-----"Right, Sumiki's Dad," Vakama said. "You'll join us because only you know the way of the Pepto-Bismol. We'll need the remaining firepower—pun intended—on the infiltrators. Brickeens will also come along, because his lemons seemed highly effective on the Vahki."
 
-----"You know, Brickster," Sumiki's Dad said. "You look a little bit like Bendyflap Cucumberman."
 
-----"Who?"
 
-----"You know ... Bumpercar Cummerbund."
 
-----"What?"
 
-----"Burgundy Carrot-Top."
 
-----"..."
 
-----"Barneyfife Crunchyroll?"
 
-----"Oh, he's talking about that one actor," Pablo said. "What's his name … yeah, Budapest Chickenbroth."
 
-----"Yeah, that's it."
 
-----"Really?" Takuma exclaimed.
 
-----"I don't really look anything like Bradybunch Cankersore," Brickeens said.
 
-----"Two questions," Xaeraz said, turning the subject back to something slightly more useful. "First, what exactly is this competition I keep hearing about? And secondly, how do you know where the Pepto-Bismol is?"
 
-----"Excellent points," Vakama said. "First, the competition changes every year—this year, I hear it's like a big talent show of sorts. I'm sure you all will be fine as long as the Matoran like you. Second ... I'm sure will figure it out."
 
-----"My kind of plan," Sumiki's Dad said. "Although there's not enough fish."
 
-----"You'll be swimmin' with 'em if we don't pull this off," Vakama warned. "In any event, I'm sure that we'll figure out a way through things. I have a saying: if all else fails, burn stuff."
 
-----"You don't say that," Valendale said.
 
-----"You know my name, not my story," Vakama replied. Xaeraz did the saying's associated dance, which got quizzical looks from the Metru.
 
-----"What if there's something we don't expect in there?" Nuju piped up. "Surely we should get some expertise if we find ourselves unexpectedly overwhelmed. In point of fact, I would not be surprised in the least if Turaga Dume has an entire legion of Vahki designed and built for the exact scenario of a coordinated break-in during the competition, especially if the rumors are true and there truly is a small stash of Pepto-Bismol in the inner sanctum. It would be foolhardy to run in without knowing anything, and ideally we should run in knowing as much as we possibly can, which is much more than we know at this current moment in time."
 
-----"There is no way to know the layout of the innermost regions of the Coliseum," Vakama said, nudging Avohkah Tamer awake, as he had fallen asleep during Nuju's spiel.
 
-----"In that case, I propose that we devise a new plan."
 
-----Vakama, if he had hair, would have used this moment to rip it out. "We haven't got the resources for anything larger. It's an infiltration or it's nothing at all."
 
-----"Well, if we're not sure what we're going against ... we should call it off unless we can get some help."
 
-----A thud emanated from behind them. They turned to look at the newcomer.
 
-----"Hi," Portalfig said.
 
-----"What are you doing here?" Sumiki's Dad snapped. "Furthermore, do you own a stapler?"
 
-----"Uh ... I dunno. And ... not right now."
 
-----"Why's this one here too?" Nokama asked. She sounded slightly annoyed. "Did he, like, win a contest or something?"
 
-----"We'll find out," Xaeraz said. "First things first, though."
 
-----Xaeraz slapped Portalfig.

Edited by Sumiki
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Brickeens will get Benedict Cumberbatch Spam. I expect. =P

EDIT: I look it up and still can't spell it right first try. =P

Edited by Rahkshi Guurahk
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-Rahkshi Guurahk
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So the competition is going to be a talent show. There's no way that can't lead to something hilarious happening. :P

 

Also, I wasn't expecting the other Toa Metru to be joining Vakama in helping Team Farm Animals. I'm not complaining though, because they will make the coming chapters even more interesting now that they are helping out. 

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Poor Portalfig. Poortalfig. Ahahahahahahahahaha Xaeraz please don't slap me.

You can ask and plead...

It won't do anything

*whimpers*

 

slaps pablo

 

It's been a fun read so far, with the world making sense in its own way somehow. That's difficult to do, and I applaud you for managing to do it.

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All are not the same


But three shall be as one


Freedom in the flame


The end has just begun

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CHAPTER SIX

horsing around

 
-----As it turned out, Portalfig had gotten there as the rest of them had. While on a camping trip, he decided to introduce the entire clan to Spam, and unfortunately said the same words as Sumiki's Dad did when he opened his can in the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. It seemed strange to everyone that the entire family hadn't been brought along for the ride, but they decided not to apply logic to the situation. They were, after all, lost inside a fictional universe. Destiny decided who would be brought forth by the power of Spam.
 
-----They quickly brought Portalfig up to speed on the situation. After some consideration, Portalfig pulled out a stethoscope and a cell phone, which got two bars of reception. "I can help y'all out."
 
-----"Excellent?" Vakama half-asked. "I mean, uh, excellent. We can go through with the plan as scheduled. Squishy creatures, prepare yourselves."
 
-----"I have an idea," Avohkah Tamer said. He reached into his backpack and pulled out five horse masks. "Put these on."
 
-----Pablo pulled his hat off and fished out five kazoos. "And take these," he said.
 
-----They donned their horse masks and stuck the kazoos in their mouths, then headed out single-file towards the opposite side of the Coliseum from the main entrance, for that is where the contestants entered the grand building.
 
-----Matau looked at the horse head wearing members of Team Farm Animals, then back at his fellow Metru. At the last moment, Matau dashed away in the direction of the horse heads, asking for and receiving a horse mask and kazoo. The Toa of Air practically pranced into the Coliseum.
 
-----Contestants were, as they found, free to walk in up until the official start of the competition. Through their stifling, slightly odiferous masks, they could only see a few other groups in there. Apparently no one really wanted to compete.
 
-----"Metru?" a Matoran asked blankly.
 
-----"Le-Metru," Matau said.
 
-----"Name?"
 
-----"Uh ..." Matau said. "Dude, what's our name?"
 
-----Avohkah Tamer cut in. "We're the fabulous and exciting Horse Head Revue," he announced, although the scant drama of such an announcement was all but completely annihilated by the muffling power of the horse mask.
 
-----The Matoran didn't even blink through the proceedings. "Horse ... Head ... Revue," he said while writing. "Alright, buddy, we'll call y'all out when it's y'all's turn."
 
-----Outside, in the main Coliseum arena, Matoran were taking their seats as Turaga Dume strode up to his special podium. The crowd roared, and he had to quiet them with a few motions of his hands.
 
-----"Greetings, Matoran of Metru Nui," he began. "I am pleased to announce that the twelfth annual Metru Competition has begun!"
 
-----The crowd went nuts. Again Dume had to quiet them.
 
-----"As you know, the rules for the Metru Competition change yearly, and although I'm sure you've all read the rules by now—and I've been assured that they're in the program—I shall go over them. Representatives from the various Metru shall show off their individual or collective talents. Each time, the presenter—or presenters—that get the weakest response from this fine crowd shall be eliminated."
 
-----The crowd went even wilder at this point. Dume, fed up with calming them, decided to revel in it.
 
-----"Except THIS year, we've decided to take that word a little more ... literally." Dume made a dramatic wave of his hand, and the front quarter of the arena slid back to reveal a bubbling sea of lava.
 
-----"Dude," Matau said. "I didn't sign up for this. Actually, I didn't even sign up at all. I don't even know what I'm doing here. I'm wearing two masks at once. It's hot and smells weird-bad."
 
-----"Listen, you'll be fine," Avohkah Tamer said. "They'll love it, trust me. Now, I need you to learn a song on the kazoo ..."
 
-----Outside, Dume continued his speech. "And so, for our Metru, it truly is a fight for supremacy ... for bragging rights ... for victory, glory, and power! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!"
 
-----A Po-Matoran, who had been nervously twitching at Dume's side for the duration of the speech, sat down at a nearby podium and rearranged a microphone in front of his face. "Our first group ..." he stopped to pull a name from a hat that had just been presented to him "... from Le-Metru, please welcome ... 'Horse ... Horse Head Revue?'"
 
-----The crowd laughed and cheered as the doors opened, letting Horse Head Revue through the gate, stumbling as they couldn't quite see where they were going.
 
-----Outside the gate, Brickeens listened out for the cheering. "Alright," he said. "They've started." He readied his lemons. "Let's get to work."

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Team Farm Animals wearing horse masks having kazoos in their mouths walking out onto the Coliseum to sing a song to a crowd of Matoran. There's a sentence I never thought I would type. :P

 

I can't wait to see what Brickeens will do with the lemons in the next chapter.

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CHAPTER SEVEN

the heist

 
-----Sumiki's Dad, Brickeens, Portalfig, and five-sixths of the Toa Metru—a motley crew if there ever was one—blasted their way into the Coliseum. Sure enough, Vahki patrols were there, although they were light since these were the back tunnels. With no idea exactly where they were going, they raced in the general direction of Dume's tower, stopping occasionally to let Portalfig break out his stethoscope and/or utilize his cell phone, which continued to work wonders beyond its operating system.
 
-----The elemental power of the Metru kept any and all Vahki at bay as Portalfig got up from another stethoscope wall-listening. "We're on the right track," he said.
 
-----"Do aardvarks get toe jam?" Sumiki's Dad asked.
 
-----"No, but can I get your autograph?" Portalfig replied.
 
-----"Only when we reroute the tomato paste."
 
-----Portalfig beamed confusedly.
 
-----They rushed up another flight of stairs as Vakama blasted down another door. He rushed in, only to find that it was an elevator shaft.
 
-----"That's an elevator shaft," Vakama said.
 
-----"How are we going to get all the way up there?" Nokama asked. Whenua shone his mask-light up the shaft, although even its power could not discern its top.
 
-----"I'm trying to figure it out," Portalfig said, tapping on his magic cell phone. "I'm not sure there are stairs around here."
 
-----"Even so, it would be unwise to try and climb them," Nokama said. "There must be a better way."
 
-----"I'm willing to climb eighty stories of stairs," Vakama said. The rest of the group looked at him askance. "... as long as there's Spam at the top," he added.
 
-----Brickeens coughed to get the rest of the group's attention. "This is an elevator shaft, right?"
 
-----"Right," everyone said.
 
-----"So why don't you press the button?"
 

*-----*-----*

 
-----Outside, in the main arena, Horse Head Revue lined up, facing Dume. Under his breath, Pablo muttered "one, two, three, four ..."
 
-----From the center of the Coliseum, to a newly hushed crowd, came the familiar strains of Rick Astley's hit single Never Gonna Give You Up, albeit a version for six kazoos.
 
-----The Matoran in attendance, who had never heard the tune before, got into it within short order. It seemed that they enjoyed being rickrolled.
 
-----As Horse Head Revue played their acapella (or, as Pablo would later say, "a-kazoo-la" [*slap*]) rendition, they gained confidence in their abilities and began to dance around and gesture to the crowd, which hooted and hollered and carried on in addition to reinforcing the melody at the top of thousands of lungs.
 
-----Dume, from his now-rattling perch, sneered down on Horse Head Revue. "These imbeciles are making a mockery of this competition," he said to the Po-Matoran. "Make sure that they are eliminated, and the sooner the better."
 
-----"Yes, sir," the Po-Matoran replied.
 
-----"I don't even like Rick Astley," Dume added under his breath.
 
-----But there was no stopping Horse Head Revue. They had become living legends in the memories of the attending Matoran. The poor Po-Matoran could do nothing to stop their reign of 80s pop enlightenment; he could only hope to contain it. Containing it meant a hiatus before they broke into The Safety Dance and, with it, potentially hit the resonant frequency of the Coliseum. All he could do is excuse them and announce the next contestant.
 
-----Horse Head Revue departed their adoring crowd, awaiting in a small alcove a little too close to the lava pit for their comfort.
 
-----"This is too close for comfort," Pablo said.
 
-----"Yeah, but we're sure to advance to the next round this way," Takuma said.
 
-----Their conversation was interrupted by a crackling over the loudspeakers; the Po-Matoran was shuffling his papers while Dume facepalmed in the background.
 
-----"Our next contestants are a performance-art duo from Onu-Metru: the Typewriter Enthusiasts!"
 
-----Two six-foot-tall hummingbirds entered the arena, circling the first row and asking every Matoran for a typewriter.

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avatar by Lady Kopaka


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If there's one detail to keep in mind here, it's that Brickeens is the most rational and sane of all the group (also the greatest and bestest and awesomest but that goes without saying)

 

And now I feel the need to cover Never Gonna Give You Up and Safety Dance on my kazoo...

Edited by Zatth
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CHAPTER EIGHT
the finale

 

-----The infiltrators exited the elevator and strode out into an opulent foyer. Dume, in his overwhelming humility, had decorated every wall with a slightly different portrait of himself. Everything that could be vaguely Kiril-shaped was vaguely Kiril-shaped.
 
-----Vakama pointed to the other end of the large foyer. "Those steps lead up to Dume's balcony. His private quarters are somewhere, I'm sure of it."
 
-----The Toa of Fire turned and led the group down a hallway, only to turn a corner and run into fifteen Kranua.
 
-----"I'm not letting you stop me," Vakama thundered. As one, the five Metru blasted as much of their power at the Kranua, sweeping them through the walls and sending them flying out the large tinted windows around Dume's platform. Their remains tumbled down into the lava below as the elemental blast sputtered out.
 
-----"WHAT IN MATA NUI'S NAME WAS THAT!?" Dume screamed. The Po-Matoran was completely singed, and a stray lick of flame had scorched the top of Dume's mask. The crowd, after oohing and aahing at the blast, lapsed into a near-complete silence.
 
-----Dume turned around, noticing the Metru fleeing. "AFTER THEM!"
 
-----The Metru were spent from generating the blast, but they ran through the corridors of Dume's residence, looking around for anything that would give them a reprieve. They lost the Vahki for a few seconds and used the opportunity to duck into a side room, barricading the door behind them with an extremely heavy cast-iron statue of Dume.
 
-----"Look …" Sumiki's Dad breathed. "It's the Pepto-Bismol."
 
-----Sure enough, placed on the most ornate table imaginable, sat one small jar of Pepto-Bismol. Sumiki's Dad picked it up and cradled it in his hands.
 
-----"They'll know we're here," Portalfig said. "They know we're looking for something, and everyone here seems to have a lot of indigestion, for some reason or another."
 
-----"Never before have so many coveted something so small and so pink," Nuju said.
 
-----"That ... that was almost beautiful," Onewa said.
 
-----A clapping came from behind them, and they turned to face it. Dume was the source.
 
-----"Well done," the Turaga said. "Really, folks, well done. I really must boost up security around here, but still, that was quite the achievement."
 
-----Sumiki's Dad clutched the Pepto-Bismol. "I have it and you don't, Mr. Doom."
 
-----Dume rolled his eyes. "Ugh, it's Doo-Mah. Everyone gets that one wrong." He turned to Brickeens. "Word of warning, lemony one: your fruit attacks will no longer work. Nuparu has reprogrammed these Vahki personally."
 
-----With that, Vahki of all kinds busted through, surrounding the group. The crackling sound and faint fishy smell of the powered-up staves filled the otherwise silent room.
 
-----"Now," Dume said, smirking. "Give. Me. The. Pepto. Bismol."
 
-----Sumiki's Dad readied his hand on the lid. "The answer, Doom Buggy, is always pizza."
 
-----Dume glared at him. "Vahki," he commanded, "you may fire when re—"
 
-----The ceiling crashed in. Horse Head Revue, on the backs of the six-foot-tall hummingbirds, blasted through, along with a few typewriters. The Vahki got off a few shots but were scattered after one of the hummingbirds smashed open a Nuurahk head. In the confusion, Portalfig pulled Dume aside by the collar armor.
 
-----"Your Vahki may not like lemons," Portalfig growled. "But I've got something else."
 
-----"What?"
 
-----"Limes."
 
-----Dume's eyes widened in horror as he looked up to see a barrage of limes falling from what remained of the high-set ceiling, pelting the remaining Vahki. In a last-second attempt at Pepto-Bismol recovery, Dume lunged at Sumiki's Dad. The Turaga would have wrested the Pepto-Bismol away had Sumiki's Dad not thrown it to Xaeraz at the last second. With both hands free, Sumiki's Dad picked Dume up and threw him towards the retreating Vahki.
 
-----"Let's go home," Avohkah Tamer said. "Sumiki's Dad?"
 
-----"Just a moment," Vakama cut in. "I only went on this little excursion because you said that there was endless spam. Where's my endless spam?"
 
-----"It's not here," Takuma said. "It's back in our universe."
 
-----"Well, I want some."
 
-----"Then Crawdad Man should come with us," Sumiki's Dad said. He took the Pepto-Bismol. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you ... Pepto-Bismol."
 
-----He cracked the bottle open. The whirlwind began anew, but this time Team Farm Animals did not attempt to fight it. They were sucked through, leaving behind one horse mask, one kazoo, six confused Toa Metru, a city obsessed with unknowingly rickrolling themselves, and a crumpled bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
 
-----Vakama, who had anticipated traveling with Team Farm Animals to the wonderful Land of Endless Spam, was stunned. He stared at the crumpled bottle for a few seconds before collapsing into a heap on the floor.
 
-----"I WANTED THE SPAM," the Toa of Fire thundered at the vaguely hummingbird-shaped gaps in the ceiling. "I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE, SUMIKI'S DAD! MARK MY WORDS!"
 
-----But they could not hear him.



*-----*-----*

 
-----Team Farm Animals collapsed in a heap on a hard surface. Takuma was the first to get up, and he surveyed the area. A volcano dominated the distance, lightning struck beyond it, and the sea behind them seemed to have corroded the shore. A lone, disfigured Matoran ran away from them.
 
-----"Uh, guys," he said. "I don't think we're at BrickFair."
 

Sumiki's Dad will return in:

 

The Adventures of Sumiki's Dad 3:
Yo Yo Piraka

Edited by Sumiki
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I knew the typewriter-loving hummingbirds would play a role in the Team Farm Animal's escape from Metru Nui. :P But now they are on Voya Nui. With the Piraka. And Teridax in his Antidermis form. and the Piraka. And the Toa Inika. (Maybe) Did I mention the Piraka? :P

 

The next series is going to be fun. :)

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Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.


 


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Ooh, Piraka! This shall make for a most interesting tale indeed. Shall the magical PEPTO BISMOL aid them in their quest, or are its magical powers spent? Shall Vakama strike again? Will Vakama ever eat the spam?

 

I doubt that we shall have that answered in the next installment. But I look forward to it regardless! Onward!

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