My Name... Is Tahu
Posted Nov 06 2011 - 05:40 PM
Posted Feb 20 2014 - 11:48 PM
Dear Mr. Jerkface,
It’s really more of a tableau than an actual story, isn’t it? But that’s just an observation. I don’t mind it as long as it’s done well. Is it done well? I had mixed feelings; we’ll take the bad first.
My first criticism, my only criticism, but a big criticism, is the lack of any emotion. Soooo much neglected potential. He should be confused, he should be trying to figure out what’s going on. Think about what it’s like when you first wake up suddenly: you’re surprised, and your first thought, perhaps a frantic one, is to get your bearings on where you are and what’s going on. Factor in that he’s in a strange place he doesn’t recognize and he can’t remember a thing: he should be bewildered, and just because it’s Tahu, maybe even a little angry. There’s a lot to of emotion to look at here, but instead, all we get is a cold pensiveness. It’s a missed opportunity.
Now for the subjective. Early on in the story, I was wondering why you didn’t take advantage of the experience of being built. That’s an important part. But then I found you had a good reason. Personally, I’m not a fan of making BIONICLE characters into humans. It seems pointless to me. It can be done well, but in a piece like this, I don’t see it as being worth it. Just a matter of taste, really.
Now for what I did like. Your style: very straightforward, very smooth, very few instances of awkward or confusing sentence structure. Your descriptions: simple but informative. I especially liked the first few sentences, you did a powerful job of setting the scene; with a little more sensory detail (roar of the waves, call of the seabirds, maybe the salty tang of the air, etc.) it’s golden. Also, no typographical errors: always a plus.
Like I said, the “story” itself was pretty simplistic: Tahu wakes up, gets a grip on his mind and his senses at least, remembers his name, and wanders instinctively toward Ta-Koro. But you end on a successfully ominous note that portends Tahu’s arrival, conjuring for any diehard fan the scene from MNOLG (except now we have Orlando Bloom cast as Tahu).
On the whole, it wasn’t done poorly, but it wasn’t done quite well, either; there was too much missed opportunity. There’s promise in it, definitely. But you said yourself that it was “a doodle-type deal,” so from that perspective it’s pretty good. I hope to come across more of your work . . . particularly, work written this year.
Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith
When I know I can't live without a pen and paper, when I know writing is as necessary to me as breathing . . .
I know I am ready to start my voyage.
Posted Feb 21 2014 - 01:32 PM
I like your descriptions and imagery; it made me feel nostalgic for some reason, probably because it reminds me a bit of Kopaka's awakening.
The whole human reveal, while unexpected, didn't knock me out of the moment, nor do I think it detracts from the feel of the story.
For a "doodle type of deal" I think you did well . I liked it.
We run around like headless chickens, if headless chickens were capable of wielding assault rifles and broadswords.
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