WHAT IS THE POTOO?!

[Voltex]

WHAT IS THE POTOO?!

 

Several Matoran were sitting around a campfire, rambling madly and pointing fingers as they tried to decide who would be roasted with the marshmallows that evening. Two of the Matoran in particular - Voltex and Seaborgium - were getting rather heated in their debate, as Seaborgium insisted that Voltex had some sort of mad scheme while Voltex tried to explain that his mad scheme was that he did not have a mad scheme.

 

Needless to say, it was going about as well as trying to grow onions by watering them with flower pots.

 

“I’m telling you, I simply voted for Quisoves because I voted for Quisoves!” Voltex exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air and pointing at Quisoves, who sat across the circle. “He was the first one that popped into my mind!”

 

“Impossible!” Seaborgium responded, shaking his head. “You were in an alliance with Blade! You are clearly a part of some devious conspiracy!”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Yes you are!”

 

“I just don’t want to join a bandwagon!” Voltex said, crossing his arms defiantly and turning around.

 

“But you started a bandwagon!” Seaborgium cried.

 

“Did not!”

 

“Did too!”

 

“I DID NOT YOU’RE ALL VOTING TO EAT GENGAR WITH THE MARSHMALLOWS AND THAT MAKES ME VERY UPSET!” Voltex shouted, eyes bugging out of his head.

 

“Okay, fine, gosh, calm down,” Seaborgium muttered. “I’ll just, um. Yes. I shall go. I shall go and… the thing. I shall not vote for Gengar.”

 

Voltex nodded in approval. “That is very good.”

 

“You are still evil though, very clearly,” Seaborgium continued. “Look at you! You have scorched armor!”

 

“My house burned down!”

 

“Your house did not burn down!”

 

“We are sitting in the remains of my house right now!”

 

“No we aren’t!”

 

“Yes we are!”

 

“Both of you please, stop yelling,” Ehks said, stepping between them. “I’m sure you’ll both get to eat whoever you want.”

 

“I don’t want to eat anybody,” Seaborgium said.

 

“I think we should eat you!” Voltex said, grabbing onto Ehks’ arm. “Come on! You can be roasted with the marshmallows!”

 

“Wait, that’s a bad idea! Bad idea!” Ehks protested, pulling himself free.

 

“SEE?!” Seaborgium shouted. “Voltex is evil! He is coming up with some sort of dastardly plan to have all us eaten for dessert!”

 

Voltex frowned. “Seaborgium, there are no words that can express my disappointment with regards to your utter incompetence. Heck, even Quisoves, the player that I am voting for, appears to understand my motives.”

 

There came a disbelieving snort from Burnmad, but the Ta-Matoran successfully started to play a trumpet immediately afterward, and Voltex ignored him, continuing:

 

“That said, you are correct; I did indeed vote just to vote. And since I'm not exactly intent on Quisoves dying... I hereby switch from Quisoves to Seaborgium.”

 

“WHAT?!” Seaborgium screeched.

 

“Nice,” Quisoves said, pulling a large creature out of his pocket. “You crack me up.”

 

Everyone turned to look at Quisoves and froze at the sight of the absurd creature perched on the Matoran’s arms. Ehks slowly took a step back as the creature opened its mouth and stared around the circle.

 

 

It was Voltex who found his voice first.

 

“What in Ekimu’s name is that thing?”

 

“It’s a Potoo!” Xaeraz said excitedly, reaching forward and handing the Potoo a large concrete block that it immediately began to grind into dust with its beak. “They’re hilarious looking and sounding! It’s going to be a secret role in Red Sea!”

 

“It’s gonna be Quisoves because the RNG is biased,” Chro muttered from where he was crouched right underneath the Potoo, his nose wrinkled at the concrete dust settling on his nose.

 

“But… that doesn’t make any sense,” Ehks replied, sounding confused. “It isn’t a double roasting because I actually counted right this time.”

 

Everyone turned their gaze from the Potoo and over to Ehks, who gulped. “What?”

 

“I was talking about the Potoo,” Chro said.

 

“What do they sound like?” Burnmad asked. “Potoos, I mean, not roastings.”

 

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.”

 

Everyone turned their gaze from Ehks and back over to the Potoo, taking a collective step back from the absurd creature in Quisove’s arms (except for Chro, who merely shuddered).

 

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.”

 

“Dear god, what the heck is that sound?” Voltex asked.

 

“It’s the Potoo’s call!” Quisoves replied. “Isn’t it weird?”

 

“It’s horrifying!” Voltex exclaimed. “Turn it off!”

 

“You can’t turn off a Potoo,” Quisoves said. “That would be disrespectful.”

 

“My face is disrespectful, but people turn that off all the time,” Voltex replied.

 

“No, Voltex, we just don’t like you.”

 

Voltex turned to Burnmad. “What?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.”

 

Portalfig burst into a fit of giggles, collapsing to his knees and clutching his stomach. “I just - I can’t - I can’t take it seriously - I - it’s - it’s so goofy-”

 

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.”

 

“ALRIGHT! I GIVE UP!” Voltex yelled, throwing his arms in the air. “I GIVE UP!”

 

Ehks glanced down at the cards in his hands. “Hey! We’re roasting Gengar! He was the one that stole Onarax’s liver! We got it right!”

 

“THAT’S NOT FAIR!” Voltex shouted, stomping his foot. “I wanted to keep Gengar alive! Save Gengar 2015!”

 

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.”

 

Voltex’s eyes bugged out of their sockets. “I swear to Ekimu if somebody doesn’t shut that Potoo up I am going to go insane.”

 

“You’re already insane!” Seaborgium snapped. “That’s what you’ve been saying this entire time!”

 

“Only to bug you!” Voltex responded. “The absurdity of my claims causes you increasing frustration! It brings me joy!”

 

“Just you wait until I’m in charge,” Seaborgium muttered.

 

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.”

 

“Alright, that’s it, I’m done,” Voltex said, turning away and walking off into the darkness. “I’m ou-AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH….”

 

The group remained frozen in silence for several seconds - even the Potoo - until Ehks tentatively asked, “Voltex?”

 

He glanced back to the others. “I… what? I don’t….”

 

“Oh well,” Burnmad said, shrugging. “Back to the roasting.”

 

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.”

 

“And to the Potoo!” Quisoves cried gleefully. “To its honor, its absurdity, and its majestic nature!”

 

“That thing isn’t majestic at all,” Ehks said, looking utterly disgusted. “It’s revolting.”

 

The End.

 

I hope you're all happy. This horrible thing is my 5000th post and will officially tarnish what little reputation I have gained in the library forums

 

E: FIXED A MINOR COPY/PASTE ERROR THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS AND REALLY BUGS ME UGH

Edited August 18, 2015 by Black Six

[Chro]

This is why we can't let Voltex overdose on peanut butter.

[Voltex]

This is why we can't let Voltex overdose on peanut butter.

 

I HAVEN'T HAD ANY PEANUT BUTTER TODAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH

JUST PIZZA WRAPS AND A PANZEROTTI

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(and four cans of coke because i'm trying to overdose on sugar and caffeine without coffe .__.)

[Blessed Blade]

That was amazing and fantastic and just absolutely amazing.

 

Also kinda sums up a mafia game well. =P

[Portalfig]

"I just - I can’t - I can’t take it seriously - I - it’s - it’s so goofy-"

 

Yep, that explains it pretty well.

 

Well played, Voltex. Well played.

[Voltex]

That was amazing and fantastic and just absolutely amazing.

 

Also kinda sums up a mafia game well. =P

 

i still regret this decision

 

"I just - I can’t - I can’t take it seriously - I - it’s - it’s so goofy-"

 

Yep, that explains it pretty well.

 

Well played, Voltex. Well played.

 

Can it explain the Potoo, though? Can it?

[Ehksidian]

This was absolutely beautiful.

[Voltex]

This was absolutely beautiful.

 

None shall ever recover from it

[Xaeraz]

you have singlehandedly saved comedies fromt he den of scum and villainy and also textermination and sumiki's dad that it has become with this, your magnum opus.

[Voltex]

you have singlehandedly saved comedies fromt he den of scum and villainy and also textermination and sumiki's dad that it has become with this, your magnum opus.

 

well

either that or

i've just dug the hole deeper

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

What.

 

Seriously, that just about sums up my reaction, along with uncontrollable laughter...good thing I'm by myself or I'd have gotten a lot of weird looks. I'd quote my favorite parts, but that would be the entire post, and probably considered spam, so. Probably a bad idea.

 

Welcome back to Comedies!

 

Lewa0111 Nuva

[fishers64]

I vote for this comedy to be lynched. 

 

After the Potoo. It can go first. 

 

(But it is actually funny, so there's that. )

[Voltex]

What.

 

Seriously, that just about sums up my reaction, along with uncontrollable laughter...good thing I'm by myself or I'd have gotten a lot of weird looks. I'd quote my favorite parts, but that would be the entire post, and probably considered spam, so. Probably a bad idea.

 

Welcome back to Comedies!

 

Lewa0111 Nuva

 

Thank you... even if it was entirely unintentional.

 

I vote for this comedy to be lynched. 

 

After the Potoo. It can go first. 

 

(But it is actually funny, so there's that. )

 

Success

[Toa Smoke Monster]

When reading this, did anyone else think that the Potoo was screaming 'Mom' for its cry? It may have been just me, but it did make it even funnier for me when reading this.

 

Congrats on 5,000 posts, BTW.

[Voltex]

When reading this, did anyone else think that the Potoo was screaming 'Mom' for its cry? It may have been just me, but it did make it even funnier for me when reading this.

 

Congrats on 5,000 posts, BTW.

I looked up what it sounds like, because a bird as absurd as the potoo is going to have a weird cry.

 

I was right.

 

It literally sounds like it's calling "mom".

[The 1st Shadow]

I have no idea what this is about, but I must say, it was downright hilarious!

[Ghidora131]

Well, this is impressive. To a degree but still impressive!

 

Heh... Nice bird.

[Taka Nuvia]

This made my day. It's way too accurate and hilarious. I can't even name a favourite joke to repeat for the next few days. xD

(also, Potoos are adorable. )

[Pohatu: Uniter of Stone]

How did this become a thing?

[Voltex]

I have no idea what this is about, but I must say, it was downright hilarious!

 

I don't really know what it is either

 

Well, this is impressive. To a degree but still impressive!

 

Heh... Nice bird.

 

tbh if I had one as a pet life would probably instantly become perfect

 

This made my day. It's way too accurate and hilarious. I can't even name a favourite joke to repeat for the next few days. xD

(also, Potoos are adorable. )

 

They're just

too much

 

How did this become a thing?

 

You do not want to know

[Quisoves Potoo]

Multo bene!

This was a good way to start the day. The more who hear the Potoo (may he live countless millennia,) the better. Nor should we forget his cousin, the Tawny Frogmouth.

[Ghidora131]

Now, Frogmouth I remember. The Potoo, I forgot before I read this.

[Seaborgium]

THEN WHO WAS POTOO?!
 

[Voltex]

please no more .__.

[In Between the Shadows]

Seaborgium! What did you do to that Potoo?!

Edited January 27, 2015 by Shadow_Ignited

[Valendale]

He must have filled it with seaborgium or something.

[user-402520536]

I think I have to change my display name to Potoo Lord now.

 

 

 

 

 

Mata Nui help me.

[Voltex]

I think I have to change my display name to Potoo Lord now.

 

 

 

 

 

Mata Nui help me.

 

Usually this is the part where I would say "do it do it do it", except that I really don't think you want to. 

[user-402520536]

 

I think I have to change my display name to Potoo Lord now.

 

 

 

 

 

Mata Nui help me.

 

Usually this is the part where I would say "do it do it do it", except that I really don't think you want to. 

A year from now, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Edited January 28, 2015 by Gukko Lord

[MetaStriker]

you know the world's ending when Voltex posts something in the comedies forum again...

 

I completely did not understand that but the picture was funny therefore I must rate this an A out of 5

 

also PANZEROTTIS ARE SO GOOD

 

(does this mean that How to Be a Hero prose work is coming now? )

[Voltex]

you know the world's ending when Voltex posts something in the comedies forum again...

 

I completely did not understand that but the picture was funny therefore I must rate this an A out of 5

 

also PANZEROTTIS ARE SO GOOD

 

(does this mean that How to Be a Hero prose work is coming now? )

 

I wouldn't count on it. With Tahu being in the 2015 reboot it's technically the perfect time to reboot Tahu vs. Tahu as well - but nothing I've come up with really clicks. It's the same for How to Be a Hero, except worse because now Hero Factory is over and Bionicle is back.

[JiMing]

I really don't know where this came from and I don't want to.

 

but i busted a gut so thanks Voltex, I'll foot you my medical bills.

[Voltex]

I really don't know where this came from and I don't want to.

 

but i busted a gut so thanks Voltex, I'll foot you my medical bills.

 

I do not wish to pay for any medical bills

[Eyru]

Hi there! I'm here with your official review from the Comedies Critics Club.
 
Your comment in the CCC topic was, and I quote: “tear it apart.” Unfortunately, I'm far too Canadian to rip your comedy limb from limb and defile the remains, but I'll do my best to put it on full blast.
 
Technical Review
 
The technical portion of my review is dedicated to some the most frequently overlooked tools in a comedic writer's repertoire. Though many people believe that writing a comedy requires nothing more than a few good jokes, I'm of the opinion that spelling, grammar, and stylistic choices such as pacing and description are really what separate the wheat from the chaff. You can have complex characters and a killer plot, but they're only as good as a writer's ability to communicate those things to the reader.
 
Fortunately, it looks like you've run your comedy through a spell-check once or twice, as I wasn't able to find any errors. It's amazing how much that adds to even the simplest story.
 
There's a lot of dialogue in this comedy, and you handle it very well. Sometimes the dialogue is accompanied by descriptions of the speaker's face or movements; at other times, you simply alternate lines of dialogue given by different characters for a fast-paced, back-and-forth kind of feel. As all of the conflict in your story comes from the interactions of the characters, it's good to see that you handle your dialogue so skilfully.
 
Your pacing is difficult to comment on, as there doesn't seem to be much of it. The comedy toddles along without anything resembling rising or falling action, and ends exactly how it started: with your characters arguing. Nothing changes, and nothing is decided; they don't even agree on whom to roast.
 
I might find your characters more nuanced were I a reader of your previous work, but as I'm judging this comedy strictly on its own merits, I must admit that I found your characters rather lacking. Aside from describing them as Matoran, no physical description is given. This leaves quite a bit to the imagination: are they Ta-Matoran? Voyatoran? Kardatoran? There's no indication, and that leaves me feeling lost.
 
Continuing on the subject of characters: I don't even know the genders of all your characters, let alone their personalities. Each voice sounds like the next: there's little to distinguish any one character from another. Ideally, I should be able to tell who's speaking or acting by the way they talk or move: one character might stutter; one might be timid; one might walk heavily; one might have a cold. Of course, that's often not possible in a work of this length, but I would recommend trying to give each character a little more individuality. If that seems too difficult, then I might also recommend cutting down your cast. Some characters have only one or two lines, and these might be given to other characters instead, and used to expand their personalities.
 
Story Review
 
Unfortunately, this section is going to be short. There is very little story here: your characters don't develop or change, and there's no development or resolution to the conflict. The story begins and ends in media res: there's no introduction and no conclusion. You've given us a conflict: your characters are deciding whom to roast. But we never find out why they're planning to roast someone (or why they'd even want to), and we don't get to see the resolution to their argument. This makes the story feel ultimately unsatisfying. To fix this, I'd suggest continuing the story and giving your characters room to develop and find their own conclusion. Perhaps they decide to roast the Potoo? Perhaps the Potoo puts out the fire with a flap of its majestic wings? Either of these will elevate the Potoo from its position as an unnecessary object to a meaningful character in its own right, as well as give the story a satisfying conclusion.
 
Humour Review
 
At the end of the day, regardless of its flaws or merits, a comedy will usually be judged on one thing: its humour. This is the Comedies forum, after all, and a comedy without humour is just a short story. I'll admit that I'm not a fan of random humour, which often makes it difficult to review the comedies on BZP. A great deal of the humour in this forum stems from “haha look a pie,” which, more often than not, comes off as tired rather than funny. Slapstick is much harder than it looks.
 
Your humour in this piece is mostly of that variety: your characters say wacky things and act in an exaggerated fashion. However, there are a couple places where I think you had some good jokes, and a little revision could make them shine.
 
For example:
 

“My house burned down!”
 
“Your house did not burn down!”
 
“We are sitting in the remains of my house right now!”

 
I found this almost funny. The reason I didn't laugh was because I almost missed it. You skip so quickly past the punchline that reader doesn't have a chance to linger on the joke. My advice would be to allow your work to “breathe.” Pauses aren't bad: they give the reader an opportunity to look around. Here's how I might change it:
 

“My house burned down!”
 
“Your house did not burn down!”
 
Voltex blinked. “We are sitting in the remains of my house right now!”
 
“Oh.”
 
Seaborgium looked around.
 
“Is this yours?”

 
I could go on, but I'm not here to review, not rewrite. I hope that I've made my point clear: my rushing past the joke and continuing the back-and-forth “Yes we are!” “No we're not!” arguing, you risk losing your reader. Continuing past the punchline weakens its punch, so don't be afraid to linger on the funny bits.
 
Here's another part where you almost got me:
 

“You can’t turn off a Potoo,” Quisoves said. “That would be disrespectful.”
 
“My face is disrespectful, but people turn that off all the time,” Voltex replied.

 
The problem is that Voltex's line doesn't make sense. It was almost funny, but I got confused before I could laugh. How is Voltex's face disrespectful, and how do people turn his face off? It might make more sense if Voltex were a robot and people could “turn off” his facial expressions, but he's not, so it doesn't make sense. I understand what you're going for, but I think a little revision is needed.
 
I hope that makes sense. I think you've made a good effort here in terms of humour, but a little less randomness and a little more intention behind your jokes will really help your comedy shine.
 
Final Thoughts
 
This is a well-written story, but its lack of meaningful plot development and character development make it difficult to appreciate. While the author makes a few good attempt to insert humour, the jokes are not developed as far as they could be, and end up feeling random.
 
Technical grade: 5/10
Story grade: 1/10
Humour grade: 4/10
 
Final Comedy grade: 10/30 = 30%