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The Time of the Mask Makers Review


Pahrak Model ZX

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Hmm, I liked the final battle and the LoSS's perspective, but I think it kind of reduces Makuta's depth as a character if he is merely a tool used by the Mask of Ultimate Power, by no fault of his own. I mean, yes, he became jealous of Ekimu, but if the MoUP was compelling him to make it, his own feelings are in a way irrelevant.

( The bunny slippers hiss and slither into the shadows. ) -Takuaka: Toa of Time

What if the Toa you know best were not destined to be? Interchange: The epic begins

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I see what you mean.  I didn't mean to make those feelings out as irrelevant, just not as intense--Makuta's own jealousy was what allowed the MoUP to enter his heart and coerce him, and while he might not have gone to such extremes if left to his own devices, his vulnerability at that point was what enabled the Mask to enact its plans.  And, maybe I also wanted to see Makuta being manipulated after so many years of Makuta doing the manipulating. :P

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I said I was going to review this fic, and dangit I'm going to keep my word on that.  ...Even if I'm tired enough that I'm going to opt for bullet points rather than a full review.

 

What I liked:

  • You've given some nice texture to the bits of G2 canon we've seen so far - things like the LoSS being a mostly ambivalent, independent entity that nonetheless has some intelligence and sense of debt-repayment, or the cultures of the various villages of Okoto, or the idea that the mask-attachment mechanisms were inspired by the Skull Spiders themselves.
  • I see you making the brothers' father from the Village of Water and their mother from the Village of Earth.
  • There's still an overall vibe of folklore to a lot of the fic, in spite of trying to give Makuta and Ekimu more well-defined personalities and provide more detail to their lives.  That helps it line up with the feel of G2 we've had so far, and helps sell the overall idea of the story.
  • Totally unrelated to the overall quality of the fic, but: I'm a fan of the "self-aware mask" idea, so seeing the MoUP acting as the primary antagonist was enjoyable.
What didn't quite work:
  • The tradeoff of the folklore, archetypical style and characterization you've gone for here is that it feels a little too familiar from time to time - I felt like I knew Ekimu and Makuta's arcs pretty much from the first chapter, with only the idea of Makuta making the MoC and giving it to Ekimu being a curveball.  Again, that's just kind of a fact of life with a story like this - but speaking personally, I would've liked a little more texture to the brothers.
  • Similarly to the above, and linked back to the worldbuilding you've done: occasionally, I think you lapsed into overexplaining.  One time this really jumped out:

     

    He frowned. “Truthfully, while it is quite exciting…I hope that time never comes.”

     

    Makuta nodded. “I see. Is that why you took those six Golden Masks you created and hid them around the island?”

     

    “I just had a feeling that precautions should be taken. Those masks are very special, and I have to make sure that only the truly worthy can claim them.”

    I appreciate the attempts to give backstory to the G2 setup, and maybe the Golden Masks in particular are worth visiting, but this particular moment felt a little bit too much like ticking off a box.

  • This is going to be the world's least helpful comment, and I apologize ahead of time, but: your prose didn't leap off the page for me, but neither was it an issue while reading, so it's difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what could've used improvement.  But I feel like this is an area you should push yourself in a little bit more.
  • ultra hyper mega nitpick EX 3rd edition featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry series: don't use double exclamation marks.  One does the job, two looks like it's been ripped from a manga. :P
I realize those two sections might look unbalanced, but overall, I did like the story! As I said above, it's got a very folklorish, archetypical feel to it - and even if that didn't always work for me, it seems like that's what you were going for.  Looking forward to seeing your other stories set on Okoto! Edited by GSR
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Hey: I'm not very active around BZP right now.  However, you can always contact me through PM (I have email notifications set up) and I will reply as soon as I can.


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Thank you for such a detailed review!  I’ll work on these concerns in future stories—my next Okoto-based work is still in brainstorming, so I’m going to apply all this as best I can.  And the double exclamation point thing is something I never would have caught, I’ve been reading too much manga as opposed to anything else lately, so thank you for that handy tip. :P

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