Hello, BZPower, and welcome to my newest comedy, and the first non-remake comedy I’ve started on the new forums! This comedy is going to be a “side project” of mine, just updated whenever I feel about it and/or get a chance to watch whichever episode I'm spoofing next. TNI, Ask Matau!, and BZ-Nui Hack Wars will still be updated as normal, so don’t worry!
As the title of this comedy suggests, this is a BIONICLE-based spoof of the (sadly short-lived) Fox TV show, “Terra Nova.” Since it is a relatively new show and I realize most BZP members probably aren't familiar with it, I plan to write the comedy in a way that those completely unfamiliar with the show will still enjoy it and make sense of most of the jokes. For more information about the show, you can check out my blog or send me a message.Also, for those of you who are familiar with the show, here's a partial character list:
Tahu = Jim Shannon
Gali = Elizabeth Shannon
Macku = Maddy Shannon
Jaller = Josh Shannon
Riia (a Matoran of Lightning original character) = Zoe Shannon
Ackar = Commander Taylor
Lariska = Mira
Hahli = Kara
Kiina = Skye
Helryx = Lt. Washington
Chirox = Malcolm whateverhislastnameis
So now, without further ado, I present to you:
A BIONICLE comedy by Me!
Episode 1: The First Episode (Part 1)
Thousands of years have passed since Spherus Magna was reunited after Mata Nui mooned Teridax. Under the leadership of important main characters like Ackar, Tahu, and Random Matoran #35, Matoran Universe inhabitants and Bara Magnans united to expand across the new planet, creating a new society.
Unfortunately, this peace was not to last, or we wouldn't have a very exciting story. Turaga Dume accidentally activated the Matoran Factory that had fallen out of the Matoran Universe one day, and got it permanently stuck in the "on" position, soon overcrowding Spherus Magna with countless new Matoran. In addition, Glatorian and Agori expanded as well, and soon Spherus Magna was not big enough to contain everyone. A solution had to be found, and fast.
Then, completely randomly, Vezon was wandering Spherus Magna when he got into an incident involving several gallons of energized protodermis, a bottle of macaroni, the Vahi, one of Tava's pies, and a copyright claim, and created a dimensional portal in the middle of New Atero, which unusually led not only into an alternate universe, but backwards in time as well, to a time when the Island of Mata Nui still existed on the Endless Ocean Planet. This large, empty island was perfect for rebuilding Matoran/Agori society without having to deal with that pesky Matoran factory, and soon this new island became a symbol of hope and hilarity for everyone on Spherus Magna.
New Mata Nui.
Okay, now the chapter begins for real.
Tahu Nuva walked through the twisting, darkened streets of New Atero, one of the largest cities on Spherus Magna. He wore two Kanohi masks: his normal Hau Nuva below, and a Tuki Nuva over that. The Tuki Nuva, the Mask of Breathing Despite Tons Of Junk In The Air, was a new Kanohi developed by Nuparu several decades before, when the huge cities that were built to house all of the new Matoran started pumping pollution into the air. Now, no one could breathe outside on Spherus Magna without a Tuki. Paradise, Tahu thought bitterly. Spherus Magna was supposed to be a paradise. So much for that.
He marveled at how ridiculous things had gotten, and all because of one clumsy Turaga. Whose idea had it been to move the Matoran Factories out of the Matoran Universe in the first place? Oh, right, it was Tahu. That annoying Toa of Fire had to be...wait, that was him. Whoops.
" :blush: " Tahu emoticonned as he turned another corner, walked up two flights of ramps, and entered his room, which was the third door on the left. Or, at least, he thought it was. He opened the door to see Turaga Vakama sitting in his rocking chair, ironing his dentures. "Sorry, my mistake!"
"Tahu!" exclaimed Turaga Vakama. "Perfect timing! I was about to explain to you how just yesterday I looked out my window, and guess what I saw? Nothing! The same thing I see every day, since I don't have a window. I was looking through a wall, and since I don't have Whenua's mask, I simply couldn't--"
Tahu hurriedly slammed Vakama's door and opened his own instead. His room was spacious enough to fit the other beings he lived with and was responsible for: Gali Nuva, his favorite Toa of Water and also his girlfriend; Jaller, the relatively young and inexperienced Toa of Fire that he watched over; and Riia, the Matoran of Lightning who had only recently come out of the Matoran Factory. Gali had agreed to take her in, much to Tahu's dismay, and despite the fact that it was illegal to take any new Matoran out of the factory, since they were already overcrowded enough. "Hey, Tahu," said Jaller when he walked into the room. "Ouch, that's gotta hurt. Why did you walk into that room?"
"Sorry, I couldn't see through these two masks," Tahu explained. He took off the Tuki and set it down on a table. "Guess what I managed to get from Turaga Matau?" He held up a mysterious round object hidden in a brown bag. You know, the object he had been holding the entire time. No, it didn't magically appear in his hand for convenience in this scene. Not at all. Come on, Lewa0111 doesn't make such silly oversights in his writing!
"What is it?" asked Jaller, reaching for the bag.
But Tahu pulled it away. "Not yet..."
"Come on, Tahu," Jaller begged.
"Use the emoticon, then I'll show you."
"Do I have to?"
" " Jaller emoticonned.
"That's better." Tahu set the bag on the table and opened it. Jaller peered inside and gasped.
Inside was a genuine, fresh Madu Fruit. "No way. Where did Matau get it?"Tahu shrugged. "He's Lewa0111's favorite character, after Lewa of course. I'm guessing he just asked the author to zap one into existence."
"Wish we could do the same."
"What's that you've got there?" asked Gali, walking into the room. "Wow, a Madu Fruit! I don't believe it!"
Riia stared at the fruit with wonder, as she had never seen one before. "Here, I'll open it for her so she doesn't blow herself up with it," Jaller offered, setting Riia on the table and beginning to open the fruit for her.
"How was your day, Gali?" Tahu asked.Gali sighed and sat down. "It was difficult. I had to work on healing three more beings today, one of them was a Skakdi. Those glow-in-the-dark grins really creep me out."
"Wasn't Zaktan, was it? If it was, you should have just not healed him."
"Zaktan's gone, Tahu, remember? Dwellers in Darkness, I think it was? But anyway, besides the Skakdi, I ended up treating Tamaru as well. Remember him? Funny little Le-Matoran, afraid of heights? His Kanohi Tuki slipped about one millimeter for half a second, and immediately he started suffocating."
Tahu shook his head. "Poor Tamaru. It's getting worse and worse out there. Soon we'll have to start wearing a Mask of Keeping Masks On Tight over our Tukis, too." Gali laughed. Hearing the laughter, Riia laughed, too, but for no reason other than that she liked laughing. Jaller started laughing at the fact that Riia was laughing at nothing, and then Tahu decided to laugh too, just to join in. Soon, everyone was laughing, even old Vakama in the room next to theirs.
Unfortunately, the laughter couldn't last. Macku suddenly burst into the room, with a scared look in her eyes. "They're coming," she warned the other members of their "family." "I was on my way here when I saw them, they're on their way now!"
"Could she be any more vague about who's coming?" asked Jaller rhetorically.
Gali's eyes went wide and she picked up little Riia and put her in a conveniently placed Matoran-Hiding-Hole™, shutting it tightly. Riia, who was scared of the dark, cried a little, but Gali didn't seem to care. Tahu switched to a Pakari and shoved several large stone tables, the family's Ussanui, two boxes of cheese, and Livna the anvil in front of the Matoran-Hiding-Hole™. Someone began knocking on the door rather loudly. "I'm coming!" Tahu called out as he frantically looked around the room for more random gibberish to shove in front of the Matoran-Hiding-Hole™. Spotting a loaf of bread, some spare Nuva armor, and a fake mustache, he used the Pakari to put all of that in front of the spot as well.
"Hey!" shouted Takanuva, through the newly created hole in the ceiling. "I was using that!"
Tahu tossed him a Kadin. "Just fly around instead. I need this!" He then put the ceiling on the pile of junk from earlier.
The banging intensified, and Tahu, figuring that the hiding spot was plenty safe and totally unobtrusive, opened the door. Several Glatorian were standing on the other side, led by Strakk. "Matoran Control," Strakk said. "We've received reports that you are hiding an illegal new Matoran of Lightning in your home. We need to search your room."
"I'm Tahu Nuva. I'm part of New Atero's security! Why would I break the law?"
"Then explain why there's a huge pile of junk laying randomly up against one wall."
"Because...umm...we needed to get it out of the way? After all, leaving it all in the middle of the floor would be a dumb place to put junk..."
"Why is the ceiling over there and not on top of your room like it should be, then?" asked Strakk. "Look, just leave, okay?"
Tahu sighed. "Fine. Gali, Jaller, Macku, let's go."
Tahu and his "family" reluctantly stepped outside the room. Strakk and the other two Glatorian suddenly ran inside and started shoving everything, breaking stuff and rudely looking into tiny drawers that probably couldn't even have fit a protodite, let alone a Matoran. Strangely, they ignored everything in the suspicious pile of junk laying up against the wall. Then, Strakk, in frustration at not finding anything, threw his axe, where it smacked into the pile of junk, disturbing Riia. The smal Matoran of Lightning triggered her tiny reserve of power, throwing a small static spark up from beneath the pile. "Hey, what was that?" asked Strakk.
"An electric...umm, mouse?" offered Tahu.
"This isn't Pokerahi," Strakk said as he picked up the ceiling, loaf of bread, mustache, spare Nuva armor, Livna, boxes of cheese, Ussanui, and stone tables and threw them all at Tahu. Finally, he found the Matoran-Hiding-Hole™ and opened it. "Gotcha," he said with an as he glared at Riia. "Come on, get out here."
"No!" shouted Riia.
"Yeah, what she said!" agreed Tahu as he suddenly charged forward, punching Strakk in the face and sending a blast of fire at one of the other two Glatorian. He then spun and dropped a banana peel in front of the third Glatorian, who slipped and fell, slamming into the second Glatorian and smashing them both into a wall. Before he could turn back to fight Strakk again, the ice Glatorian smacked Tahu in the side of his head with his axe, knocking his Hau off and sending him into unconsciousness. Helpless to do anything but watch, Gali, Jaller, and Macku...well, watched, obviously, as Tahu's limp form was dragged away...
Two years later, in The Pit, Tahu was locked up underwater, with only a Kaukau Nuva to keep him breathing in this deepest part of Spherus Magna's ocean. Hydraxon was off taking a break, so a Maxilos robot was placed to guard Tahu's cell. Not that a Toa of Fire with no weapons was really capable of escaping from an underwater prison anyway, but Hydraxon wasn't taking chances. The Maxilos looked up as a small, Toa-sized figure came swimming down toward the cell from somewhere up above. As she swam closer, the figure was revealed to be Gali. "Hello, Maxilos Robot #9,321," Gali said. "Did you know that number is exactly the same as the number of floors in The Nuva Inn? Weird, isn't it?"
<WHAT DO YOU WANT> queried the robot.
"Who uses the word 'queried' anymore, anyway?" asked Gali. "Who cares. Anyway, I'd like to talk with Tahu for five minutes."
<ERROR: COMMAND NOT RECOGNIZED AS VALID. PLEASE AUTHORIZE COMMAND BY TYPING THE ADMINISTRATOR PASSWORD>
"I have a better idea. This statement is a lie."
<ERROR: LOGIC ERROR. STATEMENT INVALID. INITIATING SELF-TERMINATION IN THREE...TWO...ONE...>
The Maxilos robot spontaneously combusted. "Robots are so easy to deal with," Gali commented as she walked past the robot and up to the bars on Tahu's cell.
"Gali...you're here!" exclaimed Tahu.
"It's so good to see you," Gali said.
"If you could just swim down here and logic-bomb the guard at any time, then why did you wait so long to do so?"
Gali shrugged. "It only works for five minutes. So I had to think of a plan, first."
"Why five minutes?"
"They have this weird built-in recovery program. But, since they run on Windows Vista, they take a whole five minutes to load the program."
"Oh, I see. So, what did you want?"
"Besides to see you again after two years? Well, I had to tell you something. You know about that portal Vezon created, right? The one that leads to...you know..."
Tahu nodded. "Mata Nova." He said it like it was a beacon of hope, which, of course, it was. "What about it?"
"It's the title of this comedy."
"I know that..."
"Well, also, I've been recruited by somebody named 'TOTALLY NOT CHIROX LOLOLOL' to go through the portal on the next trip out."
" " emoticonned Tahu. "That's amazing news! You should go! When is it?"
"Way too soon," Gali answered. "Listen, I can't go. They won't let me take you!"
Tahu shrugged. "So? I'm a prisoner, what did you expect?"
"They won't let me take Riia either. Just Jaller and Macku."
"Well, she isn't a canon BIONICLE character. So that makes sense."
"She's also a main character in this comedy, though. So that doesn't make sense."
"She's also a tuba. So that makes sense."
" " Gali emoticonned. "That makes even less sense!"
"Look," Tahu said, "I know you wouldn't come here just to tell me that. Do you have a plan?"
Before Gali could say anything further, a voice came from behind her: <WINDOWS IS STARTING UP. PLEASE WAIT>
"I don't have much time. Just take this. You will know what to do." She passed him a spare Kanohi Tuki and started swimming away.
<WELCOME TO WINDOWS. UNAUTHORIZED TOA OF WATER DETECTED. PLEASE TYPE THE ADMINISTRATOR PASSWORD TO BEGIN PROGRAM PURSUIT.EXE>
Tahu, confused, started to put the Kanohi Tuki on over his Kaukau when he noticed something hidden on the underside of the mask. It was a Cordak Blaster. How a Cordak Blaster had managed to fit inside a Kanohi, Tahu had no idea, but he had bigger things to worry about at the moment. He pointed it at the lock, took careful aim, and fired.
"Nearly thirty years have passed since Vezon first stumbled into that Energized Protodermis, creating a dimensional portal not only through space, but through time as well," a Random News Agori was saying on a huge screen over the streets of New Atero. "In other news, 'Ask Matau!' receives the highest vote for Best Retro TV Series Of The Year, with reruns from the Metru Nui days being shown on many major networks..."
A Toa Transport stopped near Random Circle Place, a random circle in the center of the city where Vezon's accident had first occurred and where the portal now stood. Gali exited the transport with Macku and Jaller close behind. "I don't get it," Macku said. "Tahu said he'd be on that train."
"He's only had one transition to do everything," Gali reminded her. "Of course he'd probably be late. Everything's been planned out from the start!"
"Didn't you only talk to him for five minutes? How did you plan everything beforehand?"
"Lewa0111 said so, now shut up. This plan will work."
Jaller shook his head. "Yeah, of course, no problem at all. Step 1: Tahu breaks out of a maximum-security cell in the Pit. Step 2: Tahu breaks into a maximum-security cell in the Pit."
"They're guarded by Maxiloses, though. How hard can it be?"
"The ones in the second cell use Mac OS X."
" " Macku emoticonned. "Then he'll never make it out alive!"
"Yes he will!" Gali exclaimed. "No matter how many Maxiloses he has to fight his way through."
"Isn't it 'Maxili?'" asked Macku.
"Or 'Maxileese,'" offered Jaller.
Their pointless argument over how to pluralize "Maxilos" was cut short when they approached the check-in line. "Your names and ID, please," said Tarix, working the front desk. One by one, Gali, Macku, and Jaller presented themselves to the desk and were approved.
Meanwhile, in another part of the city entirely, Tahu was randomly on another Toa Transport despite being a wanted Pit escapee. The Maxilos robots were still waiting for Hydraxon to get around to typing in his password for each movement they wanted to make. Tahu pulled off the small 2-stud-length rod that Hydraxon had put into his back to act as a transmitter and dropped it on the ground. The transmitter got stuck to Random Matoran #35's footpiece. Finally, the transport stopped, and Tahu got off, walking to a secret location where one of Takua's old packs was stashed. Inside, it contained a huge pile of widgets, a fake ID badge saying that Tahu was really "Uhat, Toa of Erif," some other random gadgets, and Tahu's old firesword. He picked up the sword and slung the small pack around his hip.
Back in Random Circle Place, Jaller had just finished being checked in by Tarix when he heard a voice inside his head: Look behind you! He turned to see Hahli, standing on the other side of an inconveniently placed fence, wearing a Suletu. When he saw her, she switched back to her default mask and grabbed his hands through the bars. "I love you," she said. "Even though GregF says we can't."
"Forget GregF. Look, I'll see you again, I promise," said Jaller.
"Vezon's wacky portal only goes one way for BIONICLE characters."
"Then I'll get you to come with me, duh!"
"But I wasn't picked!" sobbed Hahli. "I can't go through!"
Jaller pointed to the top of this post, where the Character Sheet was. "According to Lewa0111, you're important enough to get a spot on the Character Sheet. He wouldn't do that if you only appeared for this one scene. You'll see me again, don't worry!"
"I hope so! Bye! I'll miss you!"
Back with Tahu again (seriously, what's with all these abrupt transitions?), the Toa of Fire was checking himself into Random Circle Place with Tarix as "Uhat." Surprisingly, he got through check-in perfectly fine, most likely due to the fact that Strakk's security team was too busy chasing after Random Matoran #35, who was on the other side of the city by now. After checking in, he snuck off to a shady dead end, where Vastus was waiting. "Where's the package I ordered?" asked Tahu.
"Money first," grunted Vastus.
Tahu threw the huge pile of widgets from the pack at Vastus, burying the Glatorian entirely in widgets. "There you go, now where is it?"
Vastus stuck one arm out of the pile of widgets and pointed. Tahu threw down the first pack and picked up a new pack that was where Vastus was pointing. He looked inside to see Riia sitting there, perfectly fine despite being confined in a small pack. (After all, six Matoran could fit comfortably in one pack during the Mata Nui Online Game, so why wouldn't one be perfectly comfortable inside?) Tahu slung the new pack around his back and walked out of the shady dead end, climbing a conveniently placed ladder that led straight to the center of Random Circle Place, where the portal was located.
After yet ANOTHER abrupt transition back to Gali and co., Gali and co. were preparing to enter Vezon's wacky time/dimension portal. All three of them glanced around, looking for Tahu without trying to be obvious that they were looking for Tahu, but ended up just generally failing miserably and making it pretty obvious that they were, in fact, looking for Tahu. The fact that Macku kept repeatedly calling out "Tahu, where are you?" wasn't helping matters, either.
As they approached the portal, it suddenly activated, opening with a blinding flash of light. "I am Portalnuva, Toa of Light!" exclaimed the portal.
"Hey! I have that line copyrighted!" protested Takanuva. "It's in my script for Mask of Light!"
Keetongu jumped out through a time-comedy warp vortex. "I have copyrights copyrighted! DIE!"
"And you can't talk, portal!" a random security person reminded it.
" " emoticonned the portal.
With a , Gali, Jaller, and Macku watched Keetongu chase Takanuva out of the comedy. Shrugging, they resumed their passage toward the portal with the other Spherus Magna denizens who had been chosen by TOTALLY NOT CHIROX LOLOLOL to travel to Mata Nova, just as Tahu finally caught up with them. "Tahu! There you are! We've been looking everywhere for you, I was so worried you wouldn't make it, and we couldn't figure out whether the plural of Maxilos was Maxili or Maxiloses, and--" exclaimed Macku, extremely loudly.
"Shh. Don't call attention to ourselves. Here, Gali, take this." Tahu passed the pack containing Riia to Gali. "Whatever happens, just keep going. Don't stop to argue about who goes first and whatever you do, don't panic and refuse to step through."
"Like that would ever happen," laughed Jaller.Gali, Jaller, and Macku continued walking toward the portal. "Tahu, I need you to step over here and talk to me," said Strakk, who was working the security team for the portal.
Tahu walked over to Strakk. "There must be some mistake. I'm not Tahu, Toa of Fire, I'm Uhat, Toa of Erif."
"Like I'd be stupid enough to fall for that?"
"Tarix is an cool dude."
"You bet I am!" said Tarix, walking by. "
" " he emoticonned, wearing sunglasses."Oh, you know what I meant, Tarix. Look, Toa, you're really Tahu Nuva, and I know it. So just explain to me what you were doing in Random Circle Place instead of in the Pit being guarded by Maxilissesonataibiesarians."
"'Maxilissesonataibiesarians?'" echoed Tahu.
"The plural of Maxilos, duh!"
Tahu made a mental note to tell Macku the answer to her question. "I...umm...took a wrong turn."
"All the way here from the Pit?"
"Those transports...they move fast, you know?
Strakk was not amused.
Meanwhile (again? Seriously?), Gali, Jaller, and Macku were preparing to walk through the portal. "Jaller, you go first," Gali said.
"..." said Jaller. "I can't."
"BECAUSEHAHLI!! Umm...I mean...uh...I don't want to. If we go in there, we can't come back!"
"Didn't you hear what Tahu said earlier? He specifically told you not to do this!"
"Just go through!" shouted Macku, pushing Jaller suddenly through the portal. She and Gali then jumped through shortly after, with Riia still in Gali's pack. Tahu, noticing that all four of them had safely made it through the portal, grabbed his firesword where he had concealed it under his Nuva armor and brought it out, smacking Strakk into a wall and running straight toward the portal. Before anyone could do anything to stop him, he had jumped through the portal...
...And into an entirely new world. Mata Nova.
Next: Admiral Ack
bar explains stuff!
Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 3,761 words.
Edited by Lewa0111 Nuva, Jun 30 2014 - 04:23 AM.