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Dark Dawn Review Topic

Review Topic Darkon Spherus Magna

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16 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Nov 10 2011 - 11:20 AM

Here's the story link:http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=1727post all comments here!
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#2 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Nov 10 2011 - 12:06 PM

Hiya Darkon! I read the chapter and it sounds interesting but it's kinda short, I hope the future chapters will be a bit longer.
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#3 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Nov 10 2011 - 12:32 PM

Thanks for reviewing! This was the starter chapter, and is hopefully going to be tiny compared with my next one.
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#4 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Nov 10 2011 - 12:35 PM

Excellent! I'll try to read and review each chapter as soon as they come out. (;
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#5 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Nov 10 2011 - 02:36 PM

They should probably be up everyother day or everyother day, considering how much writing i get done. I jsut currently finished the 2nd Chapter, and am working on the third, so the next two days should have a chapter each.
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#6 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Nov 10 2011 - 02:44 PM

Cool http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.png
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#7 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Nov 10 2011 - 03:08 PM

COOL BEANS! Yes, it is indeed "cool".
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#8 Offline Cederak

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Posted Nov 10 2011 - 09:16 PM

Hello, Darkon, here is your official ECC review. To start, I ran across a few grammatical errors. I'm not sure how you feel about editing your work, but I'll list the issues out anyway.

The world of Spherus Magna is a land of greens and browns, Forests and plains.

Landforms like forests are only capitalized when you designate a specific one.

There is, however, one, small area, around 90 kilbios from New Atero.

A lot of commas. Maybe try: There is a small area, however, around ninety kilbios from New Atero. Also, numbers lower than 100 should be spelled out.

An Area that defies explanation.

An area that defies explanation.

He wore medium sized armor, except for his shoulder plates, which unusually large.

He wore medium sized armor, except for his shoulder plates, which were unusually large.

A few minutes later, he was less than a ¼ mile from it.

A few minutes later, he was less than a quarter mile from it.

“Something better. Much better.” The being, Darkon, answered.

“Something better. Much better,” the being, Darkon, answered.Judging from this chapter, I'm running on the assumption that you are still early in your writing career. That's not a bad thing, but rather, it means this is just the beginning. Wherever this story ends up heading, you should use it as a reference for improvement down the road. In particular, your descriptive ability. I like the scene you've set up, but I feel like its incomplete. There are senses that seem left out, somehow. Sure, we have Darkon, sorting through junk and taking Lehvak-Kal back to a factory, but you can expand on that. Lehvak-Kal is certainly green and silver, but what else? He has those vacuum tools on his hands, probably dust and debris lining his shell that was buried in dirt. The same treatment could be given to Darkon. He has color, but what else? Is he frustrated, tired, pleased? Does he have any other distinct features? Is there anything going through his head? Is there anything on the mind of Lehvak-Kal's Krana-Kal? What does it feel like to be a mentality trapped in a body that won't respond?There's plenty of room to go exploring here, and you're only one chapter in. Use the senses, and treat the reader's experience like you're feeding them. You can tell me that the landscape was a yellow-tan desert, or through the eyes of Darkon, you can show me. Its the clever balance of giving the reader plenty of dessert, and just enough broccoli.Anyway, I think you're off to a great start. Keep working at your description and detail, and watch the grammar (use MS Word or something if you aren't already). Writing an epic can be a huge undertaking, but if you take it step by step, and create a flow for yourself, you're bound to be successful. Best of luck, Darkon - keep at it!-Ced

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#9 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Nov 15 2011 - 05:07 PM

Thanks for the lengthy review, I was worried that since I only had one chapter it would be like two sentences. Anyway, I have a terrible habit of captilizing that that shouldn't be captilized, so that is a big grammar I plan on fixing. Also, the quote "Its the clever balance of giving the reader plenty of dessert, and just enough broccoli." is pure awesomesauceSince I already have 10 more chapters written, the recommendations you said shouldn't be seen soon, but when Dark Dawn gets to the point after that review, there will hopefully be a change for the better.
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#10 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Nov 16 2011 - 02:27 PM

Interesting chapter but why are Tahu and Gali afraid of Lehvak Kal? They have their powers and even though Tahu is not a toa nuva he has all the powers of a makuta.
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#11 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Nov 16 2011 - 02:45 PM

PATIENCE. :P You shall understand soon... Very soon... Oh wait. That's right. Tahu isn't a Nuva anymore. *FACEPALM* I totally forgot that. XD Just pretend like he got turned back into one. And also, forgot about the makuta powers thing. Isn't that from when he killed those rahkshi? Forget about that too... XD
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#12 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Nov 16 2011 - 02:50 PM

Well, you could just edit it.
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#13 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Nov 16 2011 - 03:18 PM

It's kinda super-duper important to the story. Just forget any of this every happened... :P
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#14 Offline Zarohum

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Posted Nov 22 2011 - 05:22 PM

I've been witing forever for someone to bring back Lehvak-Kal. FINALLY, SOMEONE DID IT! However, you didn't start a new line enough, and it was kind of hard to tell who was talking when. Also, Tahu and Gali seem to be acting like one character, and this is annoying. The way they keep looking at each other, and then one of them says something, but I don't know which one is saying it. But otherwise, good story!

Edited by Zarohum, Nov 22 2011 - 05:30 PM.

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#15 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Nov 23 2011 - 10:56 AM

Thanks. I just re-read the chapter with Tahu and Gali, and realized what you meant. They seem like clones or something. :P
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#16 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Nov 29 2011 - 03:58 PM

Real Life is annoying, good chapters the story is progressing well, I have one question, what is a Kanohi Akaua?
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#17 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Nov 30 2011 - 04:48 PM

Oh, I must have mispelt Akaku.
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