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The Greatest WoS Spoof

spoof parody movie Web of Shadows Director

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14 replies to this topic

#1 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Mar 02 2015 - 03:08 AM

It's November 2005, and BZPower is in its heyday.  15 year old SPIRIT finishes off his trifecta of comedies with a vastly improved writing style.  The jokes are original, the narrator gets a personality (which, admittedly, does go a little Douglas Adams at points), and there are even custom emoticons!  Obviously, it's not perfect, but it's definitely an improvement from where things began.
 
So sit back and relax, 'cause here we go again.
 
-SPIRIT
 
Chapter 1- Toa Resume Quest

(The movie begins with a large close up of Makuta's red Protodermis cage.)

Roodaka: Makuta...

Director: nooooo.gif What have you done?!?! The movie just started and you've messed it up already! Vakama always gets to say "Gathered friends, blah, blah, blah" first! :burnmad: ... GAH! I'm getting some coffee.

(The Director pulls a mug out of his director's beret and walks over to the conveniently placed coffeemaker sticking out of the Great Barrier. Roodaka proceeds to scratch a piece of Protodermis off of Makuta's cage, which screeches at such a high frequency that the Director's mug shatters, drenching him in scalding hot coffee. A shard of the cage breaks off and lands conveniently on the ground where Turaga Vakama is telling the story with dramatic music in the background.)

Turaga Vakama: Gathered friends, blah blah, blah.

Director: :glare:

Vakama: Listen again to our legend of the Bionicle... or if you would prefer, listen to this great elevator music.

(Vakama switches the dramatic background music to elevator music.)

Vakama: In the time before time, six mighty Toa (mightiest of which was me) vanquished the Makuta, encasing him in Protodermis held tight by the force of their combined elemental powers and a whole bunch of duct tape. Before becoming senile old men-

Nokama: :mad:

Vakama: What? ... The Toa united in a dutiful pledge to rescue the Matoran who were imprisoned by the Makuta. And so they returned to their once glorious home with every intention of enacting a great rescue, but Makuta had not left the sleeping Matoran unprotected. Their resting place was guarded by a ruthless king, a horde of poisoners (if that is a real word)-

Director: director.gif Half the words in Bionicle aren't real!

Takua: Actually, precisely 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375% are made up, and that number is also pie. Funny how that works out, isn't it?

(When the Director suddenly realizes that Takua has returned to torment him for the entire movie again, he promptly gets up and puts his mouth under the coffeemaker.)

Vakama: ... And a malevolent queen... who was actually just a viceroy, but since political correctness seems to be frowned upon, I won't say anything... annoyed2.gif ... And now the noble Toa (noblest of which was me) must face a web of shadows... stupid us for not hiring janitors...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wos.jpg

(Title Scene)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The Toa Metru are riding in the Lhikan II in rather dark and stormy weather. Fortunately for them, it was particularly dark and stormy weather so they couldn't see the sea monster that was in pursuit of them. Had they, they would have most likely peed their pants (if they were able to and if they wore pants, that is) and they would have screamed like girls-)

Nokama: :mad:

(What? ... Anyway, a tidal wave knocks everyone out of the boat and rudely interrupts Matau's game of poker, which shows what a great pilot he was... not. As the Toa bob around in the waves, Vakama tries to grab onto the camera for support, however, in doing so, he accidentally drowns the cameraman, Bob. No one was actually sorry about this because Bob had notoriously bad breath. The Toa regain consciousness in a pile of junk on the shore of Metru Nui. Onewa is the first to emerge from it.)

Onewa: Well that stunk... Whenua puked 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375 times... I wonder if there's any significance to that.

(But before Takua can point out that it's his favourite number, the Director distracts him by splashing him in the face with a mug of burning hot coffee.)

Nuju: It would appear there was an error in our transport. Pilot error.

(Told you so.)

Matau: Hey! Vakama was cheating! He had six cards... all aces!

Nokama: No need to be critical Matau, regardless of how gracefully, we made it here.

Matau: Whatever... hey, could somebody dig me out?

(Whenua digs him out and while there is still dust in the air, he swipes Matau's wallet without him knowing.)

Matau: Hey! Give my wallet back, Whenua!

(Never mind...)

Toa Vakama: Are we going to stand around all night or are we going to rescue the Matoran?

Onewa: Actually, we were going to sit around all night.

Vakama: :glare:

Onewa: In massage chairs.

Vakama: :D Okay!

Director: :mad:

Onewa: Floating massage chairs.

Director: Fine...

(The Toa float off into the main city, but at that moment, the hover chairs decided that it would be an excellent idea for them to spontaneously combust. The Toa escape the wreckage and look around.)

Matau: What's with all the webs? Not exactly encouraging my Toa-hero SPIRIT.

(At that point, a bunch of Rahi stampede by. One of them flies right over the Toa's heads, all of whom duck except for Whenua, and so the Rahi accidentally flies up his nose. Inside Whenua's head, it finds a large vacant space where it decides to curl up and nest. However, it soon commits suicide out of loneliness and exits via his left ear.)

Nokama: What was that?

Director: :glare:

Matau: Well, there goes the old neighbourhood... and Mr. Rogers too.

Nokama: nooooo.gif

Everyone else: :blink:

Nokama: :lookaround:

Whenua: The Archives must have been breached.

Onewa: What did you have in there?

Whenua: Everything... most of it dangerous.

Vakama: Did you have a Kane Ra?

Whenua: Yes.

Vakama: Did you have a Hoi?

Whenua: Yes.

Vakama: Did you have a zbwqfp29?

Whenua: Yes

Vakama: HA! Got you! That doesn't even exist!

Whenua: So? We still had one.

Vakama: :blink:

Whenua: The Onu-Metru Archive housed a specimen of every kind of Rahi ever discovered... even some that haven't been discovered, some that are yet to be discovered, some that we discovered but forgot about, some that-

Director: director.gif

Whenua: Well, at least it used to...

Vakama: And the webs?

Whenua: The janitor union's on strike, but it was mostly the Visorak-

Nuju: Aha! They work for the union, I knew it all along...

Whenua: Right... Anyway, they're nasty creatures.

Onewa: Coming from you, that's not good.

Whenua: Hey!

Onewa: What? I only called you a nasty creature.

Whenua: Oh, good.

Nokama: But what does it change?

Vakama: Nothing. We go to the Coliseum, we rescue the Matoran, we make a quick stop at McDonald's, we leave.

Whenua: Or get pulverized.

Nuju: It is a possibility...

Vakama Sarcastically: Yeah? And so's the possibility of me winning the lottery.

(Vakama, feeling very pleased with himself, thinking that he has fooled SPIRIT, looks around hopefully, trying to see if his reverse psychology worked. It did not.)

Vakama: annoyed2.gif ... We've faced the Makuta and won. I really doubt a few crusty relics are going to give us much trouble. Agreed?

Other Toa: No.

Vakama: Great! Follow me!

(Vakama's reverse reverse psychology fails him and he and the other Toa are all hit by a bunch of Oohnorak Rhotuka.)

Vakama: Can't... move... or stop... talking like... Captain... Kirk...

(All the Toa fall over and land in a big pile.)

Vakama: Is everyone alright?

Matau: No, I had a bunch of rusty nails in my pocket and they've gone right into my leg. You're a complete moron Vakama. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberry.

Nokama: Ew... rusty nails... Bickering won't get us out of this, Matau.

Matau: No, but think-talking before charging straight into a trap might have.

Vakama: I took one step. ONE STEP! I hardly see how that's charging...

Matau: :glare:

Vakama: If you have something to say Matau, say it!

Matau: Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus... okay that's all.

(A Visorak scuttles near by.)

Onewa: What was that?

Director: Not you too!

(Suddenly, a horde of Visorak rears up and screeches.)

Matau: Let me guess, Visorak?

Director: :burnmad:

Whenua: Or in their tongue, "the stealers of life".

Onewa: Do they even have tongues, all I see are teeth!

SPIRIT: Hey! I was going to say that! Stupid movie writers, making the movies funny now...

Nokama: Vakama, what do we do?

Vakama: Well, I think-

(You liar!)

Vakama: That we should-

Matau: Does this plan involve pie-food again?

Vakama: Yup.

Matau: Forget it then.

Takua: Did somebody say pie?

Director: director.gif


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#2 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Mar 02 2015 - 04:55 AM

Chapter 2- A New Enemy

(Last time, Roodaka scratched a piece off of Makuta's elementally-charged Protodermis cage, and the Toa Metru crashed on the shores of Metru Nui, where they were ambushed by a horde of Visorak. Now we follow a Keelerak into a webbed Coliseum full of Matoran spheres. He enters the throne room and bows before the throne facing the other way, for which the room was named. The throne spins around to reveal Sidorak, but it keeps on spinning and returns to its original position. Sidorak pounds the controls on the chair while muttering something about the union, and the chair spins into more or less the desired place.)

Sidorak: Kollorak-

Keelerak: Um, sir, it's Keelerak.

(For the benefit of the reader, let's just say that all people present, including the reader, have Babel fish. Life has now become that much simpler.)

Sidorak: Hey, the DVD subtitles say Kollorak, so that's who you are.

Keelerak: Actually, my friends call me Steve.

Sidorak: :glare: Fine... Steve, it's nothing important, I hope, seeing as you're late.

(Upon saying the word late, Sidorak divulged a large amount of a dust-like substance from his mouth which was later found to be powdered sugar. When that discovery had been made official, Matau burst into the room.)

Matau: Sugar-food?!?! Come to papa!

(Luckily, before he was able to do any too weird, Matau was pulled out of the room by three hordes of Visorak.)

Sidorak: This had better be good.

Steve: Well, sir, we found some Toa.

Sidorak: Toa?

(Sidorak divulges more powdered sugar upon say this. Luckily, Matau was fully restrained by the Visorak, and he wasn't paying attention either.)

Steve: Yes, sir... that's what I said... Anyway, we believe they've come for the Matoran- the ones that now belong to you.

Sidorak: So, they've returned for the Matoran- Matoran that now belong to me.

Steve: :mad: I just said that! Why do you insist on repeating everything I say?!?!

Sidorak: For the benefit of those without Babel fish.

Steve: Right...

Sidorak: I assume your telling me this without twitching uncontrollably means the Toa have already been captured.

Steve: Sir, you spelled "your" wrong, it should be "you're".

Sidorak: No I didn't, that's what the DVD subtitles said.

Director: :burnmad: Somebody's going to have an early retirement.

Steve: Secondly, sir, that sentence was grammatically weak. You really should have said something along the lines of "I assume that the reason you're telling me this is that the Toa have already been captured". This is because when you use an infinitive verb-

Director: director.gif

Steve: Sorry, sir... Well the reason I wasn't twitching is that I have severe arthritis.

Sidorak: :) Okay... wait... does that mean the Toa haven't been captured?

Steve: No, I was just messing with you :P. They're outside. But I would like some better medical coverage, should I ever get arthritis...

Sidorak: No.

Steve: :(

(Steve and Sidorak both walk outside. Hanging from webs high above the city and tied up in cocoons are the Toa Metru. The pair watches some Visorak tend to their webbing.)

Sidorak: Drop them.

Steve: Yes sir, and might I comment on your excellent way you ended that sentence. Most people like to end sentences with prepositions, but, you see-

Sidorak: director.gif

Director: :burnmad: HEY! That's my emoticon!

(Steve walks off to activate the Drop-O-Matic, but Roodaka stops him by stepping on his head.)

Steve: Sniff, sniff... Ew... What did you step in?!

(Roodaka seems to ignore him, but that is probably because she didn't have a Babel fish.)

Roodaka: Is it to be so simple, Sidorak?

Sidorak: Roodaka, my queen.

Roodaka: No, not your queen. Not yet.

Takua: Oh! Webby! ...

(Takua then bursts out laughing at his own joke, which, like all his others, requires a firm understanding of the other comedies in order to make the little sense that it does.)

Director: :glare:

Sidorak to Roodaka: You have something to say?

Roodaka: Only that leaders are judged in time by the quality of their enemies. History teaches us this.

Sidorak: You mean Steve?

Roodaka: No! The Toa, you oaf! They're a fantastic adversary, my king, worthy of your rule, and therefore a demise that will be remembered and spoken about for all time.

Sidorak: :lol: We're going to make billboards with pictures of them picking their noses on it and place them strategically around the city?

Roodaka: No.

Sidorak: I suppose I could allow the situation to become a little more legendary.

Roodaka: I have always admired your judgment.

Sidorak: Really? Do you like these tubes coming out of my head, I think they look cool.

Roodaka with heavy sarcasm: Oh, but of course.

Sidorak: :D Yay!

Roodaka: Only, be sure your method allows some proof for posterity's sake.

Sidorak: Billboards?

Roodaka: No! Bring me their bodies.

(As she says this, her left eye twitches. This is actually an interesting bit of foreshadowing that perhaps the movie makers unintentionally added. You see, in China, there is a superstition that when your left eye twitches, it is a sign of bad luck. Subsequently, right eye twitching symbolizes good luck. Perhaps they-)

Director: director.gif

( :( ... Meanwhile, the Toa Metru are still struggling against the webs. A Vohtarak and a Boggarak, Paul and Jen respectively, are fighting over the outcome of a poker game, each certain that the other cheated. Jen soon loses the fight and is tossed to the ground. During her fall, she reads this narration which states that "Takua is smart and the Director is kind". Upon reading this, Jen is so shocked, that she misses the ground completely and is able to float to safety. However, she unfortunately died of natural causes the following week.)

Whenua Sarcastically: That's encouraging.

Matau: Well, fire-spitter, we can't say you didn't show us the city... well, we could, but that would be dishonest and I never lie.

(Luckily, no one thought too much about that logical impossibility, but now, of course in me pointing it out, you're going to think about it now, aren't you... yeah, that's what I thought...)

Matau: 'Course we can say that you got us captured, poisoned, and seeing as I don't think we've been brought up for the view, which would have actually been quite thoughtful, imminently smash-dashed.

(Onewa's mouth is covered by webs so he is only able to mumble. And so he does.)

Matau: He agrees.

Onewa: No I don't.

Matau: Stop contradicting us!

Nokama: This is not Vakama's fault.

Vakama: I tried to lead you as best I could.

Matau: That was your best?!

Takua: Webby!

(Once again, Takua laughs at his own low quality joke.)

Director: director.gif

Vakama: I wish I was better at it. But if I've learned one thing from all we've been through, I am what I am. And no matter how much I might want to, I can't just change.

(By sheer irony, Vakama begins to mutate into a Toa Hordika. After he almost toasts Onewa with his newly formed blazer claw, the other Toa begin to mutate too. Soon, the semi-mutated Toa's cocoons explode, causing them to fall. Vakama gets stuck on a web and Nokama, who is the last to fall, gets to witness him transform fully.)

Vakama: I'm sorry I let you all down again.

Takua: Boo! Bad joke.

Vakama: :glare: Hypocrite.

(The web breaks and then Vakama and Nokama fall. All the Toa are rushing quickly towards the ground, but suddenly, Vakama sees a light coming towards him, which seems to be a Rahaga headlight, but in fact, it isn't.)

Voice: Come into the light!

Vakama: No! My time has not come yet! Take Takua instead!

Voice: Okie dokie.

(But, as it transpired, Takua was too stupid to die and survived, which just goes to show how stupid the world is. So the voice went home to his wife and kids in a bad mood. Then the Rahaga flew in and rescued them all except Matau, who was hit by a passing commercial plane. Matau was so shocked to see that the pilot was asleep, that he completely missed the ground and was able to be caught by Iruini.)

Matau: Hey! You'd better not scratch my armour!

(Iruini pulls out a nail file.)

Iruini: :evilgrin:

(The Rahaga carry the Toa Hordika off to safety. While they fly, Vakama looks up at Norik.)

Vakama: What's happened to me? Answer me! I am a Toa!

Norik: So what? I am too.

Takua: Oh! Cloudy!

(Takua bursts out laughing at this poor attempt for a joke as well.)

Director: director.gif


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#3 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Mar 02 2015 - 07:47 AM

Chapter 3- New Allies

(Last time, the Toa Metru were mutated into Toa Hordika, dropped from the Coliseum, and rescued by the Rahaga. Now, Roodaka is by the Great Barrier, stroking the shard of Makuta's prison.)

Roodaka: My preciousssss...

Director: Could everyone just stop with the LotR allusions?!

Roodaka: You're just jealous because they were more successful than any of your movies.

Takua: Oh! Dark!

Director: director.gif

Roodaka: Rest, my Makuta. Sleep and know that as you do, I draw close to waking you.

Makuta: Wow, you were able to make that rhyme. Most impressive.

Roodaka: Aren't you supposed to be asleep?

Makuta: :lookaround:

(Makuta quickly closes his eyes and starts to make fake snoring sounds that sound like a drowning pig with no eyes that's being eaten alive by a vulture with a green kazoo up its nose that-)

Director: director.gif

(As the scene closes, Roodaka fuses the shard into her chest. Meanwhile, Matau awakens near a fountain.)

Matau: What happened?

Director: Are you illiterate too?!?! Didn't you pay attention to the summary at the beginning of this chapter?!

Matau: Nope

Director: :glare:

Matau: Where is everybody? Hello?... Darn Vakama, why'd we ever listen to him?

GregF: Because he was your leader because he was red and red sets sell better.

Matau: Rhetorical question.

GregF: Sorry.

(Matau continues walking while muttering until he trips and falls into the fountain. His reflection appears and Matau screams like a little girl.)

Takua: :superfunny: You're scared of your own reflection?!

Matau: No, actually there was a picture of your face in the water, Takua.

Director: OH BURN!

Takua: Aw... you killed the joke. It's supposed to have something to do with the surrounding area.

Director: Your "joke" isn't even funny.

Takua: WHAT?!?! Why didn't anyone tell me?! :crying:

Director:

Takua: Cold... Ice... Ko Metru... Get it?

Director: :burnmad: NO! IT'S NOT FUNNY! IT NEVER WAS AND IT NEVER WILL BE!
 
Takua: Really? Someone should have said something.

Everyone Else: :burnmad:

 
Takua: Oh yeah...

(Matau soon realizes that he's been mutated into a hideous freak... well more hideous than he used to be.)

Matau: director.gif

Director: Stop stealing my emoticon!!!

(Matau turns around and sees the other Toa Hordika who are all wearing pictures of Takua over their masks.)

Matau: :OMG:

Takua: :glare:

(The Toa remove the pictures, burn them, bury the ashes, wait for them to decompose, dig them up, burn them again-)

Takua: :(

(- and then try to calm Matau.)

Nokama: It's all right.

Matau: You call this all right?!

Nokama: We're all here, we'll find a way- together.

Whenua: 'Cause that's what friends do.

Director: Ah... good. We got the corny part of the movie that appeals to five-year-olds and Takua over with.

(And there was much rejoicing. Then they ate Robin’s minstrels and there was much rejoicing.)

Matau: I don't hear you saying that, smelt-head!

Vakama: I have laryngitis.

Matau: Oh... Hey! How did you say that then?

Vakama: I was just messing with you.

Matau: What's the matter? Too busy cooking up another plan?

Vakama: Mmmm... pie... Oh sorry, spaced out there for a second, I was busy cooking up another plan.

Matau: :burnmad:

Vakama: I mean I'm through making plans.

Matau: Well, that's the first good thing I've heard since I became hideous.

Vakama: So, in other words, it's the first good thing you've ever heard.

Takua: Oh! Wet!

(Takua bursts out laughing, but suddenly stops, remembering that nobody finds it funny. Nuju then pulls the pair apart.)

Nuju: Regardless of how we look, it might be better if we use our energy to find out why we've become... whatever it is we are.

Matau: Mind your own business, monocle-face!

Nuju: director.gif

Director: :burnmad: The next person who steals that is going to come into swift contact with my foot!

Nokama in response to Nuju: Yes, the sooner we do that, the sooner we can rescue the Matoran.

Matau: And how are we going to do that when we're the ones that need saving?

(At that point, Rahaga Norik flies into view.)

Norik: If you are wise, if you wish to be your old selves again, you will listen.

Whenua: Is one out of two okay?

Norik: Good enough.

(Meanwhile, Roodaka has returned to Makuta's prison.)

Roodaka: The Toa have returned, as you said they would. Even now, their broken bodies are being brought to me so I may drain them of their elemental powers- powers I will use to shatter the wretched seal-

Seal: :(

Roodaka: Don't worry, it's nothing personal... Ahem, to shatter the wretched seal that keeps us apart. And then there will be no need for a worthless leader like Sidorak who would wash his hands of conflict, rather than dirty them with it.

Sidorak: Washing your hands prevents the spread of viruses.

Roodaka: blush.gif Oh... hello Sidorak... how much of that monologue did you hear?

Sidorak: None of it actually. I was just being random.

(And with that, Sidorak unicycles away.)

Roodaka: Together, you and I will teach the sleeping Matoran to obey your will.

(At that point, Steve the Keelerak scuttles in. Luckily, Roodaka has finally gotten a Babel fish.)

Roodaka: WHAT IS IT?!?!

Steve: My lady, it's the Toa- they're not dead yet.

Roodaka: The Toa? Why do you speak of them as if they're still alive?

Steve: :glare: ... The Rahaga saved them.

Roodaka: Rahaga?

Steve: STOP COPYING ME!!! That's it! I'm taking this to the union!

Roodaka: nooooo.gif

(Later, the Toa Hordika are sitting around a flare sticking out of the ground, waiting for Norik to speak, muttering in doubt and making s'mores.)

Nokama: Brothers we must be patient... Soon this senile old man's story will be over... THEN WE CAN EAT!!!

Norik: Keetongu.

Onewa: The key to Nongu?

Director: Why is everyone either illiterate or dyslexic around here?!?!

GregF: Well...

Director: Rhetorical.

Norik: Keetongu is a most honourable creature and skilled in the ways of venoms, not to mention our only hope to stand against the Visorak horde. If you are to be the Toa you once were, it is Keetongu you must seek.

Nokama: But what are we now?

Norik: Hordika venom courses within you. If it in not neutralized, it will take root, and Hordika you will be forever, as Yoda Speak, I will.

Onewa, Lhikan, Lewa, Vakama, Makuta, and Pohatu (who will be hence forth known as the Yoda Clan): Excellent, that was. A new member, you are, Norik, yes...

Nuju in response to Norik: Like you?

Norik rapping while Takua lays down the beat:

I am a Rahaga
Norik is my name
If you wonder why I'm rapping
Takua is to blame, yo
He wrote (ptush) me these lyrics
Me, I think they rock
They certainly are better than
Drinking from a sock


Break it down, Takua!

(But before Takua can start break dancing, the Director distracts him by throwing a pie over a cliff.)

Takua: PIE!!!

(Takua runs after the pie, falls off the cliff, and the scene continues. The other five Rahaga fly in one by one and Norik names them in more or less the order of arrival.)

Norik: And this is Gaaki, Bomonga, Kualus, Pouks, Iruini, and Takua.

(At that moment, Takua had just walked into the scene.)

Director: How are you still alive?!

Takua: Oh, that was my stunt double who fell off the cliff.

Director: :mellow:

(If anyone present were to strain their ears, they would be able to hear a faint "AHHHH" sound getting fainter and fainter. However, no one did.)

Nokama: Rahaga, can you take us to this Keetongu?

Iruini: No! If you read the synopsis of the movie, you'd know that, but NOOOOOO, you just had to be illiterate!

Norik: Iruini!

Iruini: What? It's true.

Nokama: I don't understand.

Norik: What Iruini so inappropriately suggests is that this will be difficult.  We Rahaga have come to Metru Nui in search of Keetongu ourselves. There are some that doubt his existence entirely.

Nuju: And you?

Norik: I believe.

Nokama: Then so must we.

Onewa: Oh sure, you'll believe a senile old man, but you won't believe me about my trip to Legoland...

Matau: Woah there sister, shouldn't we think-talk about this? You know, group-like? What do you say mask melter?

(Vakama is trying to use the flare to light his blazer claw.)

Vakama: I say we returned to Metru Nui to rescue the Matoran, not to go on safari.

Norik: And you have a way to do this? Perhaps using your new Hordika powers-

(He blows out Vakama's pitiful flame.)

Vakama: nooooo.gif You killed Jimmy!

Norik... Powers you have not yet learned to use.

Yoda Clan: Wow! Our leader, you can be. Hmm...

Norik: Yay!

(Vakama smashes the flare in anger, putting it out.)

Whenua: nooooo.gif You killed Billy!

Director: Let's just stop naming heat sources, okay?!

(Vakama storms off in rage.)

Norik: I will talk with him.

Nokama: Wow, that's so considerate of you.

Norik: Erm... yeah... I'm going to talk to Vakama and not publish a rap album. Heh heh heh-

(Norik runs off.)


Edited by SPIRIT, Mar 03 2015 - 04:11 PM.

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#4 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Mar 03 2015 - 03:14 AM

Chapter 4- The Offer

(Last time, the Toa Hordika met the Rahaga and discovered that their only hope of rescuing the Matoran and themselves lay in a mystical Rahi called Keetongu. Then Takua accidentally activated the time machine again and skipped past all that happened in the 2005 comics and Bionicle Adventure books.)

Takua: Even though it can easily bend several laws of physics and logic, it still can't make pie.

(Right... anyway, now Vakama has left the group and Norik has gone after him. As Vakama is walking, a Muaka sneaks up on him.)

Vakama: He's behind me, isn't he? The monster is always behind you and then you turn around, see it, and then scream like a girl; how cliché.

Director: director.gif

Vakama: Well, I'm not going to do that.

(Vakama turns around, sees the Muaka, and screams like a girl. The Muaka also screams like a girl, but later claimed that he was only roaring... yeah right! During the screaming, Vakama's Rhotuka launcher accidentally activates and scares off the Muaka who later claimed that he was late for his wife's birthday dinner... yeah right!)

Muaka: director.gif

(The Muaka was then forced to flee again so that he could escape the Director because he had used the Forbidden Emoticon. Needless to say, he completely missed his wife's birthday dinner and she divorced him the following morning.)

Vakama watching the Muaka leave: What was that?

Norik: It meant you no harm. It was just frightened.

Vakama: I wasn't talking about the Muaka, you senile fool- I can read you know! I was asking about the Rhotuka launcher.

Norik: That was in the narration too.

Vakama: :mellow:

Takua: Oh, Dark!

Director: :glare: ... If I had a penny for every time Takua did something stupid-

Takua: You probably wouldn't be making movies about bits of plastic.

Director: Precisely.

Norik: Muaka are loners by nature and uncomfortable being close to others. There's a bit of them in you.

Vakama: True that, old man. And boy was it delicious!

Norik: :blink:

Vakama: What? I was hungry.

(Norik deactivates Vakama's Rhotuka launcher.)

Norik: Careful with that. It's a most powerful tool.

Vakama: I'll be sure to learn how to make good use of it, wise one.

Norik: Threaten me, you must not. Or against you, the Yoda clan, I will set. Hmm...

Vakama: Whatever.

Norik: And what about your friends?

Vakama: Friends? I don't have any- oh, you mean the other Toa... right... They think being a leader is so easy, they can try it themselves.

Norik: True, but they won't succeed without you, nor you without them.

Vakama: How do you know that?

Norik: From the story bible I stole from Makuta along with the Mask of Light.

Vakama: Wait... wasn't I the last guy to have that?

Norik: No, because of time travel, we're all a little confused. Originally, Makuta stole it from GregF, then I stole it from him, then you are going to steal it from me in a few minutes, then GregF steals it from you, then Makuta steals it back.

Vakama: :wacko: What?

Norik: Sigh... for all intents and purposes, I don't know that, but the Great SPIRIT does. Unity, Duty, Destiny. It starts with unity.

Vakama: Not if you say it destiny, duty, unity.

Norik: :glare: ... If you Toa are to rescue the Matoran, you must do so together. This is something you can't change.

Vakama: Oh yeah?

(As prophesied, Vakama steals the story bible from Norik and then makes a quick change.)

Vakama: What now, old man?!

Norik: Uh... you just made it so that you get a giant unibrow as a Turaga.

Vakama: nooooo.gif

(And with that, Vakama runs off and Norik returns to the others.)

Nokama: Vakama? Oh, Norik. It is good that you are back.

Norik: Oh, I see how it is... YOU THINK I'M UGLY!!! :crying:

Nokama: Well, you are ugly...

Norik: Oh... Vakama has a lot on his mind, we must give him time to find his destiny.

Onewa: What if he finds a really bad one?

Norik: That's too bad for him then... We should begin our search for Keetongu at once.

Matau: Right, Keetongu. Getting turned back into our old handsome selves. Let's get onto that.

Onewa: We'll become handsome again, you'll go back to being only less ugly.

Matau: Hey!

Onewa: What? It's true.

Nuju: But where do we start?

Norik: Somewhere you know well.

Nuju: The secret head quarters of the anti-union organization located in the sewer tunnel beside Knowledge Tower E?

Steve the Keelerak: Hey, thanks. Wait until I tell the union about this!

Nuju: nooooo.gif

(Meanwhile, Vakama is talking to himself.)

Vakama: I can do it alone. I'll show them all.

(Suddenly, Vakama is ambushed by a horde of Visorak... Well, the "suddenly" part goes without saying since all ambushes are sudden. It would have been better to-)

Director: director.gif

(Vakama soon looses the fight and gets captured. He is later tied up to a Suva-like device in the coliseum with some Visorak webbing. He is struggling and howling at the dimmed suns.)

Vakama: What's happening to me?

Roodaka: You are becoming.

Steve: My lady, that is an incomplete sentence. A transitive verb, such as-

Roodaka: Shut your face!

Director: Don't you mean "shut up"?

Roodaka: No.

Director: :(

Vakama: Becoming what?

Roodaka: A friend, or a foe. That's for you to decide and why I've invited you here.

Vakama: No birthday party?

Roodaka: No.

Vakama: :(

Roodaka: I've a proposal for you.

Vakama: And if I'd rather eat birthday cake?

Roodaka: Be reasonable Vakama.

Vakama: How do you know my name?

Roodaka: Name tag.

Vakama: I told Whenua that was a stupid idea...

(Roodaka then slices through the Visorak web easily with one of her claws)

Vakama: Why didn't I think of that?

GregF: Because you're a moron.

Vakama: :glare:

Roodaka: What harm could come from listening?

Vakama: It depends. If you put a megaphone right beside my ear-

Roodaka: Of all the Toa to turn evil, WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE YOU?!

GregF: Well-

Roodaka: Shut your face.

(Meanwhile, the other Toa Hordika and the Rahaga walk up to a gate.)

Nuju: The Great Temple?

SPIRIT: Congratulations, you can read street signs. You get a sticker.

(With that, the almighty SPIRIT bestows upon the worthless Nuju a wondrous gift: a sticker.)

SPIRIT: Okay... I'll be leaving now...

(And so the majestic SPIRIT departs with the grandeur of a-)

SPIRIT: :glare:

Nuju: Hey, you were wrong Norik! This isn't a place I know well!

Norik: :lookaround:

Matau: I'm sure it could have helped our old Toa selves, but now?

Onewa: We'll never find a way to change back if your keep talking like that.

Matau: Like what?

Onewa: Using Chutespeak. I loathe-hate it!... annoyed2.gif

Matau: But I didn't use any Chutespeak in that sentence.

Onewa: ... I'm just going to stop talking now.

(And there was much rejoicing.)

Onewa: :glare:

Matau Sarcastically: You're right. I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me. Oh, that's right, some kind of monster!

Takua: Actually, it was Visorak venom that got into you and turned you into a monster.

Matau: No one cares.

Takua: :(

Norik: If you're quite done, we should go inside.

(Meanwhile, Roodaka and Vakama are walking together in the webby Coliseum.)

Roodaka: Secrecy is such a burden, but Sidorak must not know we speak.

Vakama: Are we planning a surprise birthday party for him?

Roodaka: :burnmad: FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME: NO!!!

Takua: Actually, it's the 87th time.

Roodaka: SHUT YOUR FACE!

Vakama: Sidorak?

Roodaka: Ruler of the Visorak.

Vakama: And he doesn't know you've captured me?

Roodaka: Not yet.

Vakama: Huh! Some leader.

Roodaka: Precisely.

Sidorak: Hey there! You guys talking about me?

Roodaka: Nope.

Sidorak: Okie dokie.

(Once again, Sidorak unicycles away.)

Vakama gesturing to the Boggarak behind them: You're not worried they're going to tell him you said that?

Roodaka: They are loyal to me.

Vakama: Right. Like you are to Sidorak?

Roodaka: That would be hilariously ironic... They obey me because I am strong. They fear me and therefore do not question my authority.

Jen the Boggarak: What does "authority" mean?

Roodaka: ... Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Jen: I still have a few days left until I die of the natural causes mentioned in chapter 2.

Roodaka: Okay then... That is leadership, Vakama. That is how the other Toa should treat you.

Vakama: With stupid questions?

Roodaka: That was hilariously ironic... Maybe then they would give you the respect you deserve. The Visorak horde is countless... well, only if you don't know how to count... they feel the weakness in their king's voice.

Vakama: I trust my fellow Toa to-

Roodaka: To do what? Hold you back? They're not worthy of a leader like you. Which is why I've brought you here.

(Vakama looks out over the cliff edge and sees Ta-Metru.)

Vakama: Ta-Metru.

SPIRIT: Congratulations, you can read narration. You get a sticker.

(Thusly, the omnipotent SPIRIT once again bestows a stick upon a-)

SPIRIT: director.gif

Director: Hey! I warned you about using my emoticon!

SPIRIT: I made it.

Director: ... director.gif

(Meanwhile, the Rahaga are all preparing to fly to the Great Temple.)

Norik: Come along. Our best chance to find Keetongu lies in the Great Temple.

Director: Once again, the DVD makers have chosen a stupid place to end the chapter. I assure you, it's their fault, not mine. Thanks for your time.


Edited by SPIRIT, Mar 03 2015 - 04:09 PM.

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#5 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Mar 03 2015 - 05:59 AM

Chapter 5- Vakama Turns

(Last time, Vakama left the group and joined Roodaka. Now the rest of the group prepares to enter the Great Temple on their search for Keetongu.)

Norik: Is something wrong?

Nokama: It might be best if we wait here. The Great Temple is sacred to Toa. Given what has happened to us, I am not sure it would be right.

Norik: So what? I'm a mutant Toa too.

Nokama: Oh... Is "we don't feel like it" a good excuse?

Norik: Yup. Our work here will not go unnoticed. You must guard the gates. We need until tomorrow morning.

Nokama: If you take too long, can we let whatever was attacking us destroy you and the temple?

Norik: Yup.

Matau: Hey, wait! You know, I really think we should talk about-

Other Toa: NO!

Matau: I was going to say pie-food!

Other Toa: WE KNOW!

Takua: I want to talk about pie.

Director: No one cares about you.

Takua: :(

(Meanwhile, Roodaka and Vakama are looking over a cliff at Ta-Metru.)

Vakama: When I was Matoran, Ta-Metru was my whole world. It meant everything to me. It still does.

Roodaka: Everything the light touches is my kingdom.

Vakama: What about that shadowy place?

Roodaka: Yes, that too.

Vakama: Awesome!

Roodaka: One day this'll all be yours.

Vakama: What? The curtains?

Director: :glare: Stop quoting other movies... that were very successful... especially more successful than my own... :crying:

Roodaka: All you need to do is lead those who will obey you properly. Lead the Visorak horde.

Vakama: I don't know.

Roodaka: I understand your reluctance. You require proof.

(Roodaka turns towards the six Boggarak behind them.)

Roodaka: Throw yourselves off the edge.

Jen the Boggarak: Hey! I'm supposed to die of natural causes!

Roodaka: You get a parachute.

Jen: Oh, good.

(And so all the Boggarak, including Jen, jump off the cliff and die.)

Jen in mid-air: But I survive, right?

(Your "parachute" is actually a backpack full of SPIRIT's homework.)

Jen: But you said I'd die of natural causes!

(Changed my mind.)

Jen: nooooo.gif

(Kersplat!)

Roodaka: Obedience. This is but the first of many lessons I can teach you.

Vakama: And this is something your king would allow?

Roodaka: There is a way. Six ways.

Vakama: I'm listening.

Roodaka: YOU MEAN YOU WEREN'T BEFORE?!

Vakama: Nope, you lost me after you said "you are becoming" in the last chapter. I zoned out for a bit and have been responding incoherently the entire time. If you could just re-do everything you just did, that'd be great.

Roodaka: annoyed2.gif

(As the scene closes, Vakama's eyes turn green. That's right kids, too much broccoli will do that to you. An old man who probably isn't a doctor told me so. Tell your parents that next time at dinner.)

Director: director.gif Stop being educational. I'm not paying you for that.

(Paying me? Ha! ... Ahem... Meanwhile, Gaaki and Iruini are researching Keetongu in the Great Temple.)

Gaaki reading: Tears... tears... follow the tears. Keetongu. Tears that reach the sky...

Iruini: Uh oh... You've gone senile! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!!!

Gaaki: :glare:

(Gaaki hears a roar and screams.)

Gaaki: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Director: WHY IS EVERYONE ILLITERATE?!?!?!

GregF: Well-

Director: director.gif

Norik: Are you all right Gaaki?

Gaaki: Norik, I heard something.

Norik: Probably my approach. Age makes us loud as well as senile.

Gaaki: No, this was a creature.

Norik: Steve?

Gaaki: I certainly hope not.

Steve the Keelerak: :(

Norik: I'm sure it was nothing.

(Gaaki hands Norik the tablet she was reading.)

Norik: This is a very elaborate translation.

Gaaki: I guess I have been hardly working lately... I mean working hard. :lookaround:

Norik: Gather our brothers and go outside. I'll be right behind you.

(Gaaki and Iruini fly upstairs. Suddenly, Norik hears Darth Vader-like breathing.)

Norik: Who's there? Reveal yourself!

Vakama: I doubt you'd recognize me.

Norik: Why's that?

Vakama: I'm wearing a Darth Vader voice changer mask.

(He presses a button on the mask and resumes his Darth Vader breathing.)

Vakama: I've got some bad news. Gaaki isn't going to find her brothers upstairs.

Norik: Darn! I forgot they were downstairs...

Vakama: Oh... Well she won't find them there either!

Norik: What have you done with them?

Vakama: Nothing... yet.

Norik: Then it's not too late Vakama. You don't have to do this.

Vakama: Give me one reason why I shouldn't.

Norik: Because... um... I am your father!

Vakama: You too?!

Norik: :huh: ... The other Toa need you to lead them.

Vakama: Always what's best for the others! She was right about them, Norik. About me.

Norik: Who have you been talking to, Vakama? Who's put these thoughts into your head?

Vakama: Your mom!

Takua: Oh! Dark!

Norik: director.gif

Director: Since you used it against Takua, I'll forgive you.

Vakama: You'll find out whom soon enough. I'm counting on it.

Norik: You can count?!

Vakama: Yeah, I was surprised too.

Norik: I don't understand.

Vakama: You don't have to understand the message, Norik, just carry it.

Norik: This message, what is it?

Vakama: A "kick me" sign.

Norik: nooooo.gif

(Meanwhile, the other Toa are approaching the temple.)

Matau (It's really Nuju, but that's what the DVD subtitles say): Norik said they'd be done by daybreak.

Nokama: Did anyone see anything last night?

Whenua: Nothing. Lots of nothing... Oh wait, I did see Jeopardy.

Onewa: Yeah booooooooring.

Alex Trebek: :mad:

Nuju: I don't know, I found the sounds of the night fascinating.

Matau: Nerd...

Nuju: I was talking about Jeopardy!

(Nuju walks away humming the Jeopardy theme.)

Matau: You're still a nerd! ... I wonder what's taking the Rahaga so long. I mean, how hard is it to get directions?

Nuju angrily: Well, if you're senile and they're to a creature that has not been seen since the time before time- hard.

Takua: Doesn't the "time before time" refer to the time prior to the arrival of the Matoran on Mata Nui?

Nuju: director.gif

Director: Yay!

Matau sarcastically: Really?

Nokama: Have patience, Matau.

Whenua: Yeah, take it easy Matau.

Matau: "Take it easy"! I have absolutely no patience for looking like this.

Onewa: Wow, he must have been really patient before he became a Hordika with all the ugliness he had back then.

Matau: :glare: ... We've already wasted a whole night. The way I see it, the faster we get to the-

(They all reach the Great Temple and see that it is filled with rubble and that smoke is billowing from the windows.)

Matau: The Great Temple.

Whenua sarcastically: Thank you Mr. Obvious.

Takua: Is there a Mrs. Obvious?

Matau: :blink:

Takua: What? I want to know.

(They all run in and start looking for the Rahaga.)

Nokama: Nuju, can you see anything?

Nuju heavily sarcastically: No, this giant monocle-like eye piece on my mask is just for decoration.

Nokama: Okay, never mind then.

Nuju: You are the stupidest person I know.

Takua: Then you haven't met me yet... annoyed2.gif

(Nuju activates his heat vision and soon spots Norik under a pile of rocks.)

Nuju: He's over there!

(The Toa rush over.)

Onewa: He's trapped.

Whenua sarcastically: Thank you Mr. Obvious.

Matau: I thought I was Mr. Obvious.

Whenua: :glare:

(They all dig Norik out of the rocks.)

Nuju: Norik, what happened?

Norik: Read the chapter, moron!

Onewa: What should we do?

Norik: Get me some pie.

Nokama: I wish Vakama was here.

Norik: He was... why?

Nokama: Then we could make him get the pie.

(Meanwhile, Vakama walks up to the Coliseum with a bunch of Visorak behind him. He pounds on the door and a PA in the shape of Sidorak's head activates.)

Vakama: I'd like some fries and a coke.

Sidorak: Would you like fries with that?

Vakama: :glare:

Sidorak: You must be confused, Toa. This isn't a McDonald's and we do not welcome your kind here. We exterminate it.

Vakama: AHHHHH! Sidorak's a schizophrenic!

Sidorak: No we aren't!

Vakama: It's you that's confused, Sidorak. I am no simple Toa and this is a McDonald's!

Sidorak: Hordika... why have you come here?

Vakama: I wish to return to Kansas- I mean to join you. And to present you with proof of my worth.

(He gestures towards to all the Rahaga, except Norik, which he has captured and tied up.)

Sidorak: Hmm... it isn't powdered sugar, but it'll do.

(The door opens.)

Sidorak: Let's talk.

Vakama: We are talking...

Sidorak: I meant while sitting on floating massage chairs.

Vakama: :D Yay!


Edited by SPIRIT, Mar 03 2015 - 06:00 AM.

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#6 Offline 25K When?

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Posted Mar 03 2015 - 08:43 AM

Well, I never expected to see this again.

 

It's even got the old script format.


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#7 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Mar 03 2015 - 04:15 PM

Chapter 6- The Trail of Falling Tears

(Last time, Vakama agreed to rule the Visorak so he captured all of the Rahaga except Norik and took them to Sidorak. Now the other Toa Hordika and Norik are standing outside the Great Temple.)

Nokama: Vakama would never do such a thing.

Norik: You are correct, Nokama. The Vakama you know would not. He's changed. Just as you all will if we do not find Keetongu. I fear that Vakama has given himself completely to the beast that lurks within us all.

Whenua: You mean Steve?

Norik: Uh... no... The ancient, primal, the parts of ourselves we like to think progress has made us forget.

Whenua: You mean Steve?

Steve the Keelerak: Why am I always blamed for everything?!

Matau: Well you did mutate Vakama which caused him to go crazy-mad.

Steve: Oh yeah...

Takua: Oh! Misty!

Director: director.gif

Takua: You know, eventually someone is going to be insulted somewhere where my joke will be funny.

Director: Your joke funny? As if!

Norik: Hordika is its name.

Whenua whining: I don't think I want to be Hordika.

Nuju sarcastically: Aw, poor baby. Do you need me to change your diaper?

Whenua: Yes, actually.

Nuju: :blink:

Norik: It's not all bad, Whenua. Being Hordika grants you certain gifts... such a great medical plan! Unless, of course, you live in Canada...

Whenua: Darn.

Nokama: Assuming you're right (as if), we must find Keetongu and rescue the Matoran before the beast overcomes us too.

Norik: Yes, but I must warn you. Vakama may already be beyond anything even Keetongu or a mental institution can do.

Matau: Well, we have to try. We owe the fire-spitter that much... oh yeah and the 5 dollars for poker... and I was kind of hard on him.

Norik: And what if you can't help him?

Matau: Leave that to Steve. Then we can blame him for a good reason. :)

Nuju: So, back to searching.

Norik: We were able to translate much of the inscription before Vakama's attack. "Follow the falling tears until they reach the pie"... the last word was kind of hard to read...

(Everyone suddenly notices water leaking out of the Great Temple that pours into a canal.)

Norik: It is there we will find Keetongu.

Matau: Tears that reach the pie-food?

Takua: Keetongu better share his pie, or I'll sick the Director on him.

Director: No you won't.

Takua: Stupid Director...

Onewa: It's not much of a plan, but it is one.

(Meanwhile, on the very top of the Coliseum, Vakama is looking over the balcony at the five captured Rahaga who are tied to convenient Rahaga-Sticks™ that Turaga Dume had installed because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Unfortunately, the construction of the Rahaga-Sticks™ completely depleted the floating massage chair budget because the workers had the annoying tendency to fall off the building during construction. All in all, it turned out to be a really bad idea.)

Iruini: Toa Vakama!

Vakama: That name means nothing to me... I lost my name tag. :(

Bomonga: It did once, it can again.

Roodaka: That's true! It can, if you want to be weak again.

Vakama: Never!

Roodaka: You are everything I had hoped you'd be.

Vakama: Really?

Roodaka: No, but you're better than nothing. Come. It's time you had a glimpse of your future.

Vakama: You have a time machine?

Roodaka: I used to, but it broke. I think someone tried to use it to make a pie...

Takua: :lookaround:

(Meanwhile, the other Toa and Norik set off for Keetongu.)

Norik: We must hurry.

Turaga Vakama: As the Toa Hordika followed the trail of falling tears, Norik was sure they it would lead them to the legendary Keetongu... or at least some pie... As our brave heroes (bravest of which was me)-

Director: You weren't even there!

Vakama: I'm the one who's telling the story! Ahem... as our brave heroes struggled through a most treacherous journey across the island of Metru Nui, the shadow of the Visorak horde was never far behind... well only in the evening... :superfunny: Get it?

Takua: He's even worse than me.

Vakama: :(... as the noble group (noblest of which was me) followed the stream of tears to Ko-Metru, the deserts turned into great mountains of frozen Protodermis (and no, I'm not being poetic, the island of Metru Nui had some serious geographical issues) and its silvery surface led the brave travellers (bravest of which was me) to a strange and wondrous place.

(The group looks up at a giant mountain of ice.)

Matau: Hey! The tears reach the sky, not pie-food.

Takua: nooooo.gif

(Meanwhile Toa Vakama and Roodaka are in Sidorak's throne room.)

Roodaka: The throne will soon be yours, Vakama. Go ahead. Touch it.

(Vakama does so and accidentally presses the button that make a whoopee cushion appear on the chair. Once again, this seemed like a good idea at the time.)

Sidorak: You can look, Vakama, but don't touch.

(Sidorak walks in with three Visorak.)

Sidorak: I wanted to thank you personally.

(Vakama and Roodaka seemingly bow, but in reality, there was some loose change on the ground.)

Sidorak: Because of you, the Rahaga will be put where they belong- in a cage.

(Sidorak disperses some more powdered sugar from his mouth. Luckily, Matau's feet were frozen to the ground so he wasn't able to steal any.)

Vakama: Actually, we stuck them on Rahaga-Spikes™.

Sidorak: Even better. :D

Roodaka: It is just the beginning of what he can offer you.

Sidorak: Is that so?

Roodaka: It is, my king. He can do origami too!

Sidorak: Impressive... but can he do it while riding a unicycle?

Roodaka: No, don't be stupid.

Sidorak: :(

Roodaka: Vakama is my gift to you, a fitting master for your horde.

Sidorak: Hordika or not, there's only one of him.

Paul the Vohtarak: We could clone him.

Roodaka: That's a stupid idea. Do you really want a bunch of red morons running around?

Paul: Yeah, two is enough.

Sidorak: Hey!

Roodaka: Which is why the other Toa are on their way here. With Vakama leading your horde, they will be captured and trained just like him.

Sidorak: Then I would have more paper cranes than the entire continent of Asia! :evilgrin:

Roodaka: Will all six be enough to please you? Consider it an engagement gift.

Vakama: You're getting married? Can you save me some wedding cake?

Roodaka: No.

Sidorak: Allow me to introduce you to the horde.

(Later, Sidorak and Vakama are walking to the balcony.)

Sidorak: You know, Vakama, we're really very much alike, you and I.

Vakama: Darn.

Sidorak: That was a compliment Vakama.

Vakama: If you wanted to compliment me, then why didn't you say I was like SPIRIT?

Sidorak: Because that would be an insult to him.

Takua: Oh! Coliseumish... I'm going to shut up now...

Director: YES!!!

(Sidorak continues talking, spraying Vakama with powdered sugar as he does. Matau nearly killed himself out of jealousy.)

Sidorak: My horde is an obedient one. They will do anything you command.

Vakama: Anything?

Sidorak: Yes.

Vakama: Really?

Sidorak: Only if the union allows it.

Vakama: Stupid union...

Sidorak: Unless I command differently.

Vakama: What if I command that only I get to command them.

Sidorak: I've already commanded them not to follow any commands that overrule any of mine.

Vakama: What if I command them not to follow that command too?

Sidorak: I've also commanded that all commands are subject to themselves.

Vakama: Darn.

Sidorak: Behold the Visorak horde.

(They look out over the balcony and see thousands of Visorak.)

Sidorak: Perhaps you'd like to say a few words?

Vakama: Draco Dor-

SPIRIT: NO! Stop! You'll cause more off topic discussion!


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#8 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Mar 04 2015 - 12:24 AM

Chapter 7- Toa Get Help

(Last time, Vakama was given control of the Visorak hordes, and the other Toa Hordika and Norik have just found and entered the Ko-Metru cavern of Keetongu.)

Matau: Hurry, you guys! It's amazing! It's Keetongu!... not.

Keetongu: Did someone say my name?

Matau and the Director: :glare:

Keetongu: Right, sorry.

(Keetongu promptly vanishes in a cloud of puce smoke.)

Takua: Puce? Why puce?

(I don't know, it sounds cool. PEE-YOO-SSSS...)

Director: director.gif

Norik: Don't be so quick to judge, Matau.

(The group walks over to a large puddle of water in the centre of the room.)

Norik: We are sorry to disturb your rest, noble one-

Turaga Vakama: I'm nobler!

Norik: No one cares... The duty of these Toa requires they ask you for help.

(There is a long, awkward pause, in which Matau, Whenua, and Onewa play a quick game of poker, which Onewa wins. Matau grudgingly hands over the five dollars he was going to give to Vakama, but since no one really likes Vakama, what happens in Ko-Metru stays in Ko-Metru. The silence ends when Matau says:)

Matau: Okay... well, we'd like to stay and chat, but we gotta go.

(Suddenly, the room begins to shake dramatically, as are most moments when rooms shake. The pool of water begins to boil and a figure emerges from it.)

Onewa: Woah! Is everyone seeing this?

(Of course not, you fool! Why do you think I'm narrating?!)

Norik: Keetongu.

Keetongu: Do you mind? I'm trying to have a bath here.

Norik: Oh, sorry. Would you like a towel?

Keetongu: Sure, thanks.

(Keetongu covers himself with the towel.)

Nokama: Ah, finally. Now to get that disturbing image out of my mind. Sigh... looks like another two weeks of therapy...

(Meanwhile, at the Coliseum, the Visorak are all scrambling around and arranging themselves into interesting shapes under Vakama's rule from the balcony with the Rahaga-Sticks™.)

Roodaka: Is it everything I promised you?

Vakama: Almost. It's got everything except floating massage chairs.

Roodaka: That was explained in the previous chapter.

Vakama: Oh right... stupid Dume!

Roodaka: A night of great consequence falls. Be ready. Before it is over, many things will change.

Vakama: Like Steve's socks?

Roodaka: Especially Steve's socks!

(Sidorak unicycles up to them.)

Sidorak: How is the horde, Vakama?

Vakama: Not bad. They still can't do that commercial with the Coca-Cola bottle pouring into a glass, though... But they are ready.

Sidorak: Ready for what?

Vakama: Ready for your plan.

Sidorak: Oh, my plan... what plan?

Vakama and Roodaka: annoyed2.gif

(Back in Ko-Metru, Nokama is telling Keetongu their story.)

Nokama: ...and then we chased by the Visorak, all of which is why we came here and why we need your assistance.

Keetongu: Your story didn't make any sense at all. What the Karzahni is green eggs and ham and who on Metru Nui is Sam I Am?!

Nokama: That's not important. Will you help us get Vakama back?

Keetongu: No.

Onewa: Well, thanks just the same. We'll be going then.

(Nuju stops him.)

Nuju: Wait. He might have pie.

Onewa: Good thinking.

Keetongu: I cannot start a battle on your behalf. But I can aid those loyal to the three virtues. In fact, doing so is my sworn duty.

Norik translating: Keetongu cannot start a battle on your behalf. But he can aid those loyal to the three virtues. In fact, doing so is his sworn duty.

Keetongu: Um... you do know that everyone present has a Babel fish, right?

Norik: :mad: No one asked you, you overgrown banana!

Takua: Oh! That was cold... Ha! Cold! Ko-Metru! Get it?

(Takua then bursts out laughing at his own joke, which is finally somewhat funny. In his success-induced euphoria, he accidentally falls off a cliff and is therefore unable to participate in the rest of the chapter. Thus, the Director becomes euphoric.)

Director: :D Indeed.

Matau: So he'll change us back to our good-looking, Toa-hero selves?

Keetongu: No... you were never good-looking to begin with.

Takua: Oh! That was cold... Ha! Cold! Ko-Metru! Get it?

(As it transpired, Takua was so shocked by seeing the Director euphoric, that he completely missed the ground during his fall and was able to float back into the scene.)

Director: nooooo.gif

Norik: Keetongu sees with one eye what we have missed with all of ours. If you are to save Vakama, you must use your new forms and abilities, not be rid of them.

Nuju: That isn't really something you can see per se. In a metaphorical sense, perhaps, but-

Norik: director.gif

Director: :burnmad: Hey! You used my emoticon! Say hello to Mr. Foot!!!

Norik: Why, hello Mr.-

(And Norik sails through the air and lands with a satisfying crash.)

Matau: So we've come all this way just to find out that we didn't have to come all this way?!

Keetongu: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Norik: He thinks it's funny too.

Matau heavily sarcastically: No! I would have never guessed by his laughter. It sure is a good thing we have you to translate for us.

Norik: blush.gif Aw, don't mention it.

Matau: :plain: Believe me, I won't.

Keetongu: But your story and devotion to your friend has touched me, I find your quest worthwhile.

Norik: But your story and devotion to your friend has touched Keetongu, he finds your quest worthwhile.

Keetongu: :burnmad: STOP COPYING ME!.. Anyway, I would like to offer my help.

Norik: He would like offer his help.

Keetongu: That's it! I'm taking this to the union!

Nuju: nooooo.gif

All the Toa: Unity!

(They all put their hands together in a circle and Norik does too.)

Matau: You too big guy.

Keetongu: Are you calling me fat?!

Matau: Why yes, yes I am.

Keetongu: :) Okay, just checking.

(Keetongu adds his hand to the circle with such force, that he breaks off Whenua's arm.)

Keetongu: Your arm's off.

Whenua: No it isn't.

Keetongu: Then what's that on the ground?

Whenua: I've had worse.

Director: Let's just end the chapter before we get sued or something...


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#9 Offline Petewa

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Posted Mar 04 2015 - 04:14 PM

Takua and Pi,1 longlost lovers,

 

 

:popcorn:


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#10 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Mar 05 2015 - 04:50 AM

Chapter 8- The Battle Begins

(Last time, Norik and the Toa Hordika, excluding Vakama, allied themselves with Keetongu. Now Roodaka, Sidorak, and Vakama are all surveying the Akilini arena below from the Rahaga-Spikes™ balcony. Vakama is trying to make a flame with his blazer claw.)

Vakama: Soon, Tommy, you will be alive!

Roodaka: You do know that you're talking to a flame, right?

Sidorak: Why shouldn't he name his flame? Back when I was a lad, I used to name all of my flames. They kept me company when no one else would.

Roodaka heavily sarcastically: No one would keep you company? I don't see why.

(From far away, the trio can hear a rhythmic set of booms. Suddenly, the other Toa blast their way into the Akilini field below, sending several Visorak flying. They all cock their shotguns-)

Director: No guns, LEGO has a no-violence policy.

(Darn... They all pull the pins out of their hand grenades-)

Director: No, still violent.

Onewa: Oh Lord, bless this thy hand grenade-

Director: director.gif

(Fine, fine, fine! They prepare their Toa Tools, there, happy?)

Director: :plain:

(Oh, sorry. Forgot about Takua... And so, the Toa Hordika march into the Coliseum.)

Nokama: Vakama!

Vakama: What? I can't hear you!

Nokama: It's okay! I was just trying to get your attention!

Vakama: Okay! Carry on breaking and entering!

Nokama: We will!

Roodaka: Remember, Vakama, you don't need them anymore.

Vakama to the Toa below: You've made a grave mistake coming here!... :superfunny: Grave mistake, you're going to die, get it?

Onewa: Oh no! He's gone senile already!

Nuju: What do you mean "already"?

Takua: Oh! Colise-... darn. Never mind.

Whenua to Vakama: We came here to save you!

Vakama: The only ones you can save now are yourselves! Bow down and pledge your allegiance to me.

Sidorak: Ahem!

(He expels some more powdered sugar from his mouth.)

Matau teary eyed: It's just so beautiful.

Vakama: Need a cough drop, my king?

Sidorak: No, I want their allegiance.

Vakama: Suit yourself, but I don't see how that will cure your cough...

Onewa: And when we don't?

(Vakama tears off one of the Rahaga-Spikes™.)

Turaga Dume: You fool! That cost three floating massage chairs!

Vakama: Aren't you supposed to be in stasis?

Dume: Quite frankly, what with what happened with the Bionicle.com web movies, I have no idea.

Vakama: Fair enough. Carry on.

(And so Dume continued not being in stasis.)

Vakama in response to Onewa: Then I will make you!

(He throws the Rahaga-Stick™ at the group and misses causing it to wedge itself firmly into the ground.)

Ground: :burnmad: I'm sick and tired of people always dropping things on me!

Vakama: Sorry.

(At that moment, six doors in the arena open and every Visorak on the island pours into the chamber. In response, the Toa Hordika prepare their Rhotuka launchers.)

Nokama: Ready.

Whenua: Do you think this is going to work?

Nokama: Aim.

Matau: Ask me again in a minute.

Whenua: Why?

(Matau runs off to get his copy of the script and returns in 59.9 seconds.)

Matau: Okay, it says it's going to work.

Director: :burnmad: You imbecile! You just wrecked the suspense!

Matau: Sorry.

Nokama: Now!

Vakama: Fire! It's supposed to be "ready, aim, fire" not "ready, aim, now". Silly Nokama...

Steve the Keelerak: So does that mean we don't attack?

Vakama: No, knock yourself out.

(Steve does so and there is much rejoicing. The Toa Hordika then set off their Rhotuka and use them to fly away from the Visorak which were steadily closing in. Their progress is hindered by the Rhotuka that the Visorak have started to fire. All the flying Toa let go of their Rhotuka and land nearby except Matau.)

Matau: Hey, who put this duct tape on my Rhotuka?

Takua: :evilgrin: Now there will be more sugar for my pie!

(Presently, a large battle erupts on the floor of the Coliseum. Meanwhile, several thousand bio above the battle, the booming persists.)

Sidorak: Still that sound.

(Clearly, someone doesn't know the meaning of "persists".)

Sidorak: Who could that be?

(Or intelligence...)

Sidorak: Wow, that guy must be REALLY stupid!

(Roodaka looks down and sees Keetongu climbing up the Coliseum tower.)

Sidorak: What is that?

(I'm giving up on you, Sidorak.)

Vakama: I guess it's Keetongu.

Sidorak: But Keetongu doesn't exist!

Keetongu: I don't? Darn it!

Vakama: Obviously you're wrong about that. I'll take care of him.

Roodaka: No, Vakama. It is not your place. It is that of a king.

Vakama: But I want to finish him off!

Roodaka: Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Vakama: I want to do it!

Roodaka: NO, YOU FOOL!!! KEETONGU IS THE PERFECT THING TO KILL SIDORAK WITH!!!

Sidorak: Good thing I was testing out these earplugs during all that yelling. I didn't hear a word of it. :)

Roodaka: blush.gif

Sidorak: If Keetongu wasn't a myth before, he soon will be.

(Sidorak and Roodaka go into the elevator so that they can defeat Keetongu. Inside the elevator, rather than boring elevator music, "Caught in a Dream" plays. This is because Turaga Vakama mixes up the order of the music in chapter one. It takes a real keen eye to see something like-)

Director: director.gif

(Vakama jumps onto one of the Rahaga-Spikes™ to keep watch, but he is caught by Matau who is swinging on a Visorak web that is seemingly attached to the sky, quite like how Spider-Man does it.)

Vakama: Put me down!

Matau: You're fat and your mother is so ugly that hundreds of terrible jokes are made at her expense.

Vakama: :crying:

(They land on a bunch of webs on the side of the tower.)

Matau: Your place is with us. We're here to rescue the Matoran.

Vakama: The Matoran?

Matau: You remember, don't you?

Vakama: Remember what?

Matau: annoyed2.gif

(The pair begins to climb the webs, Vakama trying to escape from Matau- a good idea in my opinion.)

Matau: :glare:


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#11 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Mar 06 2015 - 01:06 AM

Chapter 9- The Turning Point

(Last time, all the Toa Hordika, except for Vakama, broke into the coliseum in an effort to save Vakama. Vakama, however, set all the Visorak against them. The group was forced to fight them as Matau went after Vakama himself. Sidorak and Roodaka went after Keetongu in their elevator music-less elevator-)

Takua: That's pretty stupid.

(Yeah? Well so are you. Anyway, now the battle is in full throttle. Nuju flips up in the air and lands on the back of Paul the Vohtarak.)

Paul: HARASSMENT! The union will see that you pay for this!

(Nuju causes Paul to run into a wall, killing him instantly.)

Nuju: Let's see you file legal action against me now!

Director: :glare: What a lame heroic phrase. From now, I suggest you only speak in the language of the flyers so that you don't embarrass yourself again.

Nuju: Only a complete moron would do that.

Takua: Click click toot whistle?

Nuju: Told you so.

(Meanwhile, Keetongu is still climbing the tower of the Coliseum and Sidorak and Roodaka are preparing to finish him off. Sidorak blasts him with his Herding Blade and misses.)

Roodaka: I thought you were only able to communicate with the Visorak with that.

Sidorak: :blink: So did I. Good thing I didn't try to pick my nose with it.

Roodaka: And you wonder why your only friends were flames...

(Sidorak tries blasting Keetongu several more times, but continuously misses. Keetongu grabs a stand of webbing and swings to another part of the wall. Kind of like Tarzan, but without the loin cloth.)

Roodaka: Huh, I'm almost impressed.

Sidorak: In me?

Roodaka: No, in Keetongu.

Sidorak: At least you still like me Jerry the flame.

Jerry: Well...

Sidorak: :crying:

(Roodaka hits Keetongu with a blast of shadow energy from her catcher claws. Keetongu promptly falls off the wall.)

Keetongu while falling: Hmm... maybe I should have waited for the elevator...

(Keetongu hits the ground and makes a massive shockwave.)

Keetongu: I guess Matau was right- I am fat.

Takua: Aren't you at all concerned that you just fell several stories after being blasted with shadow energy?

Keetongu: Nope, I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko. :)

Takua: :rolleyes:

Sidorak: Well, that's that.

Roodaka: NO! WAIT! YOU AREN'T DEAD YET!!! -I mean, shouldn't we be certain?

Sidorak: If doing so would make you feel better.

Roodaka: It would.

Sidorak: Really? Wow, I should be a doctor or something; I rock at giving out prescriptions!

Roodaka: You? A doctor? Ha! When pigs fly!

(Meanwhile, at the top of the Coliseum, Vakama jumps out at an unsuspecting Matau and attempts to clobber him with his blazer claw. Matau is, however, saved by a flying pig.)

Matau: What has happened to you?!

Vakama heavily sarcastic: Oh, gee... maybe it was the Hordika venom!

Matau disbelievingly: And you expect me to believe that a Visorak poison-bit you?

Vakama: :glare:

(Vakama and Matau suddenly begin an über cool martial art fight scene during which their voices don't match up with their mouths. Vakama hits Matau with a Rhotuka, causing the Toa of Air to fall over the edge in slow motion.)

Vakama: Could you hurry it up? I need to go to the bathroom!

Matau: Dreadfully sorry.

(Matau's fall speeds up and he flies over the edge. Luckily, for him, he is able to grab on at the last moment.)

GregF: Wait a second... Bionicle characters don't go to the-

Vakama: Quiet, you!

(Meanwhile, the battle continues below. A Visorak is about to close in on Nokama, but Whenua offers her his hand so that she can climb to safety.)

Whenua: Nokama, here.

(Nokama grabs his hand and his arm falls off.)

Whenua: Careful! I haven't recovered from the previous chapter yet!

Nokama: Even so, your dismembered limb is really handy. :superfunny: Get it?

Takua: What a lame joke.

Nokama: I wouldn't be talking I were you.

Takua: director.gif

Director: :evilgrin: Now I finally have a legitimate reason to cause you bodily harm, emoticon thief!

Takua: :mellow:

(Nokama and Whenua escape from the Visorak as the Director sends Takua flying over their heads. Later that evening, the Director wrote down the experience in his diary to remember it forever. The following day, his house burnt to the ground in a freak accident and effectively destroyed all his worldly possessions, including the diary.)

Director: :crying:

(Meanwhile, Sidorak and Roodaka walk over to the dead form of Keetongu.)

Keetongu: I'm not dead yet!

(Fine! The almost dead form of Keetongu.)

Sidorak: The final blow is yours, Roodaka.

(Roodaka begins to walk away.)

Sidorak: Where are you going?

Roodaka: To get a leaf-blower. Surely you didn't think I could defeat him with just my lungs.

Sidorak: Don't call me Shirley.

Roodaka: :glare:

Sidorak: But he's almost dead!

Keetongu: I'm feeling better!

Sidorak: Finish him!

Roodaka: You do it.

Sidorak: But I can't defeat him myself.

Roodaka: True, true. I'll get the leaf blower.

(Keetongu rises and crushes a cowering Sidorak to death.)

Roodaka: Oh... never mind then.

(Roodaka caresses the Protodermis shard in her breastplate and the scene jumps to the Rahaga-Spike™ balcony, where the Rahaga are still tied up. Norik flies up to them and frees Bomunga, then Kualus, then Iruini, then-)

Director: We only have a few minutes left! Get going!

(And so to keep the Director's blood pressure down, the freed Rahaga fly off leaving Gaaki and Pouks behind.)

Gaaki: Aw nuts.

Pouks: Curse you and your executive power during filming!

(Meanwhile, Nokama, Onewa, Whenua, and Nuju have all been cornered by the Visorak; their doom is imminent.)

Norik: Mind if we lend a hand?

Whenua: Well...

Norik: :glare:

(Norik and the other Rahaga, minus Pouks and Gaaki, fly in and begin to attack the Visorak. Norik, in particular, defeats a Visorak that was giving Onewa a lot of trouble.)

Onewa: Thanks Norik! I owe you one-

Norik: -thousand dollars?

Onewa: What?!?!

Norik: I just recorded you saying "I owe you one". All I have to do is merge that with the clip I have of you saying "thousand dollars".

Onewa: I've never said "thousand dollars".

(Norik presses the stop button on his tape recorder.)

Norik: You just did.

Onewa: nooooo.gif

(Meanwhile, Matau is still hanging from the ledge of the Coliseum's tower and Vakama steps on his hand.)

Matau: Sniff, sniff... Ew... What did you step in?!

Vakama: No idea. Let's blame Steve!

Matau: Okay. :)

Director: Guys! This is supposed to be a dramatic moment!

Vakama: You are weak, brother.

Matau: You're right Vakama, I am weak.

(Vakama presses the stop button on his tape recorder.)

Vakama: Wait until this baby hits the Internet!

Matau: nooooo.gif

Vakama: So at the end you see the truth.

Matau: We all make mistakes, Vakama, especially the Director. Why do you think he hired Takua? That's what happens when you're brave enough to make decisions... or is it? I can't decide... I understand that now.

Vakama: I don't believe that, coming from you.

Matau: How about from Mr. Sockittysocksock the sock puppet?

Vakama: Even less so.

(Matau puts a sock puppet on his free hand and starts talking in a high pitched voice while making the sock "talk".)

Mr. Sockittysocksock: I'm sorry for doubting you. Our strength comes from out unity (and steroids) which means that you can't be strong without us.

Vakama: I'm better and stronger alone.

Mr. Sockittysocksock: I don't believe that, I don't think you do either. You're our leader, Vakama. You're my leader.

Vakama: You know, I'd take you more seriously if you got rid of that sock.

Matau: Very well.

(Matau takes off the sock and drops it. It falls towards the battle below and lands on the head of Steve the Keelerak.)

Steve: THE SKY IS FALLING!!!

Matau: We've got a job to do- a duty.

(Vakama's diet of broccoli wears off, and his eyes go from green back to normal. I told you it was bad for you!)

Vakama: The Matoran.

Matau: Rescuing them is our destiny. It's your destiny.

(Vakama steps off of Matau's hand.)

Matau: And if there's any of the Vakama I know left, he'll know what to do.

Vakama: Uh... watch TV?

(Matau's hand slips off the edge and he plunges towards his death.)

Matau: Of all the days to leave my parachute at home...

Vakama: Matau! I'm coming!

(Vakama has attached a piece of webbing to himself and has jumped after Matau. His is somehow able to defy physics, catches up with Matau, and grabs hold of him. The web goes taught, and they bounce back up to safety.)

Vakama: Hang on, I've got a plan.

Matau: Does this one involve pie-food... AGAIN?!?!

Vakama: Nope, but it involves sugar.

Matau: :drool: Sugar-food...


Edited by SPIRIT, Mar 06 2015 - 04:05 AM.

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#12 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Mar 06 2015 - 04:08 AM

Chapter 10- Hope is Lost

(Last time, Roodaka betrayed Sidorak and got Keetongu to kill him, while Vakama has returned to the side of good. Nuju, Whenua, Onewa, Nokama, and the Rahaga- excluding, of course, Pouks and Gaaki, who are still tied to one of the Rahaga-Spikes™- have been all corned by the Visorak. There is a huge roar, and the trapped heroes are all suddenly blasted by a Rhotuka. Roodaka then rides in on a giant Kahgarak, as most Kahgarak are, and then dismounts it.)

Roodaka: You have something I want.

Nuju: What? Good looks?

Takua: Why aren't people ever insulted in cold, dry, or burning environments?!?!

Roodaka: Your elemental powers: Earth, Stone, Ice, Water. Fire already belongs to me... Wait, one's missing.

Steve the Keelerak: How about Sonics, Gravity, Time, Plasma, Light, Shadow, Life-

Roodaka: You aren't being paid to be annoying, you know.

Steve: Actually I am.

Roodaka: :blink: Who's in charge of payroll?

Steve: I am.

Roodaka: Whose idea was that?!?!

Steve: The union's.

Roodaka: Whoever it was that allowed the Visorak to unionize was a complete moron.

Steve: That was you, my lady.

Roodaka: :mellow:

Takua: :crying: Why isn't there any lava/dust/ice here?!

Roodaka: Well, what element am I missing then?

Vakama: That would be Air. He's all yours my queen.

(Vakama walks in carrying Matau and slides him across the ground over to the other Toa Hordika. Unknown to anyone, the ground there was covered in Visorak dung.)

Vakama: :lookaround: That's right. I had no idea that there was Visorak dung there... Heh heh heh...

GregF: Wait a second... there's no such thing as Visorak dung!

Matau: Then what's all this I'm covered in?!

Takua: :sly: Cow pie.

Director: GUYS!!! "Visorak dung" is thin ice already!

Takua: Dreadfully sorry.

Director: And Steve, clean this up.

Steve: Why me?

Director: Because you're the only Visorak whose name we know that's still alive and I think you want to keep it that way, capiche?

Steve: Fair enough.

Roodaka: Thank you, Vakama. Now, about those powers...

Matau: You want them so bad? Take them!

(He and the other Toa Hordika, except Vakama, all blast Roodaka with their Rhotuka and cause a huge cloud of red dust. As the dust clears, Roodaka emerges covered in red electricity.)

Roodaka: :evilgrin:

Matau: All right, who fired the tickle spinner?

(Takua starts to whistle innocently... well, since he doesn't actually have any lips, he actually just makes loud blowing sounds.)

Roodaka: Fools! You, like your powers, are nothing if you are not united. And as Vakama stands with me-

Vakama: Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. It's about time I got a floating massage chair!

(Vakama aims his Rhotuka launcher at Roodaka.)

Roodaka: You might defeat me, Vakama, but not all of them.

(She gestures to the Visorak, who had all been trying to play a card game which didn't turn out too well because Steve had forgotten the cards.)

Steve: :burnmad: STOP BLAMING THINGS ON ME!!!

(But you did forget the cards.)

Steve: blush.gif

Roodaka: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Onewa: :OMG: She's Obi-Wan Kenobi is disguise! Let's get her before she burns all our crops!

(Everyone edges away from the Toa of Stone.)

Vakama: Seeing as you convinced Sidorak to put me in charge of them...

(Vakama turns towards the Visorak who still do not have any cards.)

Vakama: Get out of here, all of you! You're free! That's an order.

Steve sarcastically: :glare: Gee, Vakama. Thanks for not contradicting yourself.

Vakama: :) You're welcome.

(All the Visorak and Kahgarak leave via unicycle. Since very few of them actually knew how to ride a unicycle, they all ended up with serious injuries and with the Visorak/janitor union abolished as of five seconds ago, they had no medical coverage.)

Steve: nooooo.gif

Roodaka: Traitors!

Vakama: You can't betray someone you're enslaved to.

Roodaka: And to think I thought you could be king.

Vakama: blush.gif You did? Aw shucks... Ahem... I lead only those who choose to follow. That's the difference between being a leader and a tyrant like you. A certain Toa taught me that.

Matau: You're welcome.

Vakama: I was talking about Lhikan.

Matau: :(

(As Vakama fires a Rhotuka at Roodaka, her Protodermis shard begins to glow red.)

Norik: No, Vakama, don't!

(The Rhotuka stops in mid air.)

Vakama: Don't what?

Norik: Hmm? Oh... I forget. Carry on, it'll come to me.

(The Rhotuka hits Roodaka. Makuta's prison shatters and a giant, red hand made of energy grabs Roodaka and vanishes, leaving behind only the Protodermis shard.)

Norik: Vakama, you have no idea what you've just done.

(Vakama picks up the shard.)

Vakama: Her heartstone, it's Makuta's.

Norik: Oh... I guess you do then... I'll just explain for the dimwitted.

Takua: :drool: Pie...

Norik: It was carved from the same Protodermis that you sealed the Makuta with. In destroying it, you've broken that seal.

Vakama: I know, and set Makuta free. For some reason, he doesn't scare me any more.

Onewa: Uh oh... He's going senile! RUN!!!

(Keetongu walks over to them.)

Vakama: In light of all you've given, you owe us nothing.

Keetongu: Oh good, you haven't found out about the broken TV then.

Vakama: But my duty requires I ask, will you change us back?

Keetongu: I want to know why you would want that, being as you've made peace with the beast within, that you might even be the better for it.

Norik: Keetongu wants to know why you would want that, being as you've made peace with the beast within, that you might even be the better for it.

Keetongu: If only the union hadn't been abolished...

Vakama: It's our destiny to be Toa and to keep our promise to the Matoran.

Keetongu: But you are Toa.

Vakama: Fine. Normal Toa.

Keetongu: Are you serious?! Onewa's a paranoid nut case, Nuju's got no life, Nokama has no education, Matau has addiction issues, and Whenua doesn't even have a catchphrase! Don't even get me started on your faults.

Vakama: :glare: Just change us back.

Keetongu: Fine!

(The Toa all make a circle around Keetongu, who glows white and changes them all into toads. He tries again and successfully makes them normal... or whatever.)


Edited by SPIRIT, Mar 06 2015 - 04:10 AM.

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#13 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Mar 06 2015 - 07:30 AM

Chapter 11- A Legend Comes True

(Last time, Roodaka was defeated, the Visorak horde was disbanded, Makuta was "accidentally" released from his prison, and the Toa Hordika were turned back into their original forms by Keetongu. Now the Toa are carrying the Matoran capsules out of the Coliseum. Matau rides by them on a conveyor belt.)

Matau: Put your backs into it brothers... and Whenua. :nahnah:

Whenua: Are you calling me fat?!?!

Matau: :huh: Actually I was calling you a girl-

Whenua: Oh good, never mind then. :)

Onewa: When do we tell Matau he's on the garbage disposal conveyor belt?

Nokama: director.gif

(The Director starts chasing Nokama with his megaphone. Takua takes the opportunity to put a thumb tack on the Director's chair.)

Takua: :popcorn:  This'll be good.

(Matau jumps off the conveyor belt, much to the dislike of Nokama. He turns towards the giant airship into which the Matoran capsules are being loaded.)

Matau: Nice ship.

Onewa: Hey, Matau, let's not crash it this time.

Matau: :burnmad: JUST BECAUSE I CRASHED THE LAST 28 AIRSHIPS DOES NOT MEAN I WILL CRASH THIS ONE TOO!!!

Onewa: Dude, you've crashed 7 894!

Matau: Maybe I should use the steering wheel this time...

Onewa: :glare:

(Vakama walks up to Norik.)

Vakama: Well, my friend, I guess this is it.

Norik: ... Oh, were you talking to me?

Vakama: :mad: Of course I was! Can't you read the narration?

Norik: Yes, but you said "my friend" so I immediately assumed you were talking to someone who was imaginary.

Vakama: :glare: ... Well, thanks for helping, Norik.

Norik: You are most welcome Vakama, but it's me that should be thanking you.

Vakama: I don't understand.

Norik: Firstly, you may find that your wallet is $20.00 lighter. Secondly, it's not every day I get to see a legend come true, you know.

(Keetongu walks by carrying two Matoran capsules.)

Vakama: Oh, yes, Norik. He is quite a site.

Norik: Indeed, but I wasn't talking about Keetongu.

Vakama: :mellow:

Norik: VAKAMA HAS A CRUSH ON KEETONGU!!!

Vakama: director.gif

(Luckily for Vakama, the Director had been momentarily distracted by a thumb tack which had been placed on his seat. Takua was instantly sent to the hospital with a broken neck and shattered eardrums.)

Vakama: The Great Rescue?

Norik: Yes, Keetongu lover... And now we know that the Matoran are in most capable hands. Your hands.

(Vakama takes his finger out of his nose.)

Norik: Or whatever.

(Matau enters one of the airships and activates it. Cables detach and docking clamps release allowing the fleet of six airships to take off.)

Matau: Next stop Mata Nui.

Vakama: Can we at least stop at McDonald's?

Matau: No.

Vakama: :crying:

(The airships fly towards a hole in the Great Barrier. As they near it, Onewa spots Makuta's empty prison.)

Onewa: The Makuta. He is gone.

Whenua sarcastically: Thank you Mr. Obvious.

Vakama: Not for long. I imagine we'll be seeing him very soon.

Nuju: You read that in GregF's story bible, didn't you?

Vakama: :lookaround:

GregF: I'll be taking that back-

Vakama: But you can't.

GregF: Watch me.

Vakama: If you do that, the scene at the end of the LoMN spoof never happens and then the universe implodes.

GregF: Curse you, logic!

Matau: You know what just occurred to me? No one's driving the other ships...

Onewa: Sigh... 7 899 ships crashed now...

(2 111 ships later, they made it to Mata Nui. Vakama read from the story bible, which GregF was able later to steal without risking universal implosion. Sadly for GregF, Makuta stole it off of him when it came time for MoL.)

GregF: nooooo.gif

Nokama: And what if we meet him again?

Vakama: We'll find a way to defeat him because that's what Toa do... aside from the occasional game of poker...

Turaga Vakama: I was right (for once). Makuta would follow us here and threaten to cast our new world and all those who came to call it home into everlasting shadow. It was in those days, I discovered our destinies are not written in stone; you can find them at www.destiny-

Director: director.gif In three seconds I'll be free of you loons! JUST FINISH THE MOVIE!!!

SPIRIT: Actually...

Director: :glare: I hate you.

Vakama: I found mine. Now it's time for you to make new legends. For that is the way of the... what's my line?

Director: BIONICLE, YOU MORON!!!

Vakama: For that is the way of the Bionicle, you moron.

Director: annoyed2.gif


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#14 Offline Petewa

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Posted Mar 06 2015 - 08:25 AM

Glorious.


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#15 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Mar 31 2015 - 06:00 PM

I really enjoyed reading through this. All of the jokes were funny, especially with Steve and the Visorak Union. I have no complaints about it.

 

Thanks for reposting it!


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Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.

 

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