It has now been over ten years since the BZPower Forums saw the birth of a comedy known as BIONICLE and the Search for the Mask of Light! With 50 chapters, plus an epilogue, it would seem at first that this comedy, also known as simply TSFTMOL to those too lazy to type its full title out over and over again, was quite successful. At first, it was a BIONICLE-themed rendition of Monty Python and the Holy Grail with a lot of elements blatantly stolen from SPIRIT's BIONICLE spoof trilogy, but it become so much more...
However, this so-called "comedy" was terrible.
It was script-style (with the sole exception of the epilogue), had several jokes relating to pie (a joke once funny but now a curse), had even more jokes that were just lame, emotes everywhere, and at least five chapters of pure utter randomness. Although it had a couple diamonds in the rough, these were few and far between. On the whole, it was just a stupid mess written by a complete idiot.
Now, before you go ahead and yell at me for flaming another person's comedy, let me tell you something... If I'm flaming anybody at all, I'm flaming myself, because it was me! I am the idiot who wrote the lousy piece of trash known as TSFTMOL!
However, in 2007, I considered rewriting TSFTMOL from scratch. This thought might have been inspired by Primis's attempt to rewrite The Rock Raiders Meet BIONICLE for similar reasons: to rewrite the comedy in prose format and cut back on a lot of stupid jokes in the original.
Did I succeed? Well... maybe. It's written in prose and the worst jokes of the original are left on the cutting room floor, so it is a massive improvement over the original, no doubt. In that respect, it's successful. However, is it good enough to qualify as a half-decent comedy? I suppose that's up for you to decide. Seven years later, it certainly isn't up to my current standards of writing, and there are a number of jokes (such as Pewku's constant references to food) which haven't aged well, in my opinion. On top of that, between procrastination and Writer's Block, I never got farther than the beginning of Chapter 18 of what was intended to be a 50-chapter-long story, and I haven't written a single word of it in about five years; unlike Lost and Found and Lost Again, what I'm posting here is raw and unedited material from 2007-2010.
Still, considering that it was one of countless casualties of the Forum Archives in the 2013 hacking incident, I think it's only fair that it deserves a chance to see the light of day once again. Who knows? Maybe you might just find a bit of entertainment in reading this. And that's what's really important here, right?
And now, I present to you...
The Search for the Mask of Light
To Carry a Coconut
It was a dark, misty day in the vast desert of Po-Wahi. So dark, so misty, you could barely see five centimeters in front of you.
That is exactly why the special effects designer soon got fired.
"Less on the mist, you dolts!" shouted a LEGO Minifig, who had a gray beard and wore a black hat, black pants, glasses, and an orange vest over a white shirt. "This is Po-Wahi – there's not even supposed to be mist here!" One who looked on the back of his vest would see the LEGO Studios Logo, with the occupation "Director" underneath it. This was the LEGO Director.
The Director sat down, shaking his head, and sipping from a cup of coffee. Unfortunately, as the LEGO Director soon discovered, there was no LEGO piece for coffee, so his LEGO cup piece was merely an empty piece. Disgusted, he set it down on the table. It didn't take long before a LEGO Studios crewmember reported that they were having trouble removing the mist. "What are we going to do, Narrator?" he asked another Minifig, who stood beside him.
Narrator, a Minifig who wore brown clothes and had an oversized mustache, contemplated for a moment. At last, Narrator smiled and tried to snap his fingers, but remembered that LEGO Minifigs don't really have fingers that are good for snapping. Shrugging, he replied to the Director's question. "We could just say that it's a very misty day in Po-Wahi!" he said.
"Oh, yeah, that makes sense," muttered Director, rolling his eyes. He stood up and shouted, "Mist does not exist in a desert like Po-Wahi, you moron!"
Narrator frowned. "But Director," he said, "this is a movie; you can do whatever you want in it."
"Oh, that is the stupidest idea I have ever heard," dismissed the Director. Suddenly, his eyes brightened. "Hey, I've got an idea! This is a movie; I can do whatever I want in it!"
"But, sir," Narrator reminded, "that was my idea."
"Oh, nonsense, you wouldn't ever come up with such a great idea like that, Narrator!" laughed Director. "Lights! Action! We're going to have a misty day today in Po-Koro!"
Narrator, purely disgusted, sat down and tried to drink some coffee. He, like the Director, soon found that there isn't a LEGO coffee piece in existence. "What am I even doing here?" he asked himself. "Director didn't need a Narrator in this movie, and neither does PeabodySam, since unlike before this is a prose comedy, not a script comedy in which I was needed..."
"What are you talking about?" inquired Director. "What do you mean, 'since unlike before this is a prose comedy, not a script comedy in which you were needed'? There was never a 'before,' and this isn't a prose comedy! This is a movie!"
"Never mind," muttered Narrator. "Just get on with it."
The mist slowly cleared away to reveal Hafu, carving away at a huge sign. He smiled, and looked up at it. "Another Hafu original..." he whispered.
An Ussal Crab and a Ta-Matoran walked over to Hafu and his creation. Of course, the Ta-Matoran was in reality an Av-Matoran, but nobody knew or cared about it then. "Face it," the Ussal complained in a feminine voice, "we're lost, Takua!"
"Would you please stop talking?" pleaded Takua, holding his hands over his ears. "Are you even supposed to be talking?"
Director groaned and walked onto the set. "No, in fact, she's not!" he replied. "Give me your script, Pewku!"
"Fine!" muttered Pewku, and she handed over her script. Director looked at it. It was a mere blank slip of paper.
"Do you see anything on this?" he asked.
"Then should you be saying anything?"
"You stupid crab! If there's nothing on your script, then you're not supposed to speak in the movie!" the Director shouted. He threw the blank slip of paper on top of Pewku's head, then walked away, muttering to himself.
Takua looked around and noticed Hafu. "Um, excuse me sir," he asked, "but can you direct me to Po-Koro?"
"Just look at the new sign," the Po-Matoran replied, gesturing towards his newest creation. Takua looked at it, and his jaw dropped in awe.
It was a huge statue of Hafu, holding up a sign saying, "Po-Koro in 5 Kilometers. HAFU RULEZ!"
"Wow," whispered Pewku, "that's big."
"I thought I said STOP TALKING!" screamed the Director from off-camera.
Narrator laid a hand on Director's shoulder. "Just let her talk," he said, "after all, it should be easier than to try to convince her not to talk."
"Fine, you may talk," groaned Director; already knowing he was going to regret this.
Hafu smiled and gestured towards the sign. "Wonderful, isn't it? Personally, I like the statue part better than the sign part..."
"Yes," nodded Takua, who began to walk away. "Thank you, err, so very much!" He passed Hafu, who was drooling over the 'beauty' of his own statue, and began to walk for another one kilometer before he decided his feet were tired. Naturally, the Chronicler hopped on top of his steed, Pewku.
"Hey!" cried Pewku, disgusted. "Get off of me! What do you think I am, your steed?"
"Actually..." Takua thought a moment before replying, "Yes, in fact I did."
"Well, GET OFF!" Pewku screamed and threw Takua off her back. Takua landed mask-first in the sand, and as a result began spitting out sand.
"You stupid Ussal Crab," muttered Takua, who had to walk the rest of the way, Pewku following. For the next two kilometers, they were silent, but then Pewku grew restless of the silence and began talking about the different flavors of cheese. By the time they reached Po-Koro, Takua and Director both were regretting letting Pewku talk.
Above the gate rest a huge sign, reading "Po-Koro. HAFU RULEZ!" The carver's identity was obvious.
Takua looked up at the wall surrounding the perimeter of Po-Koro. He noticed Hewkii walking up and down it. "Hey, you!" Takua called, pointing at Hewkii.
Hewkii looked down at Takua. "Hey, you!" he replied. "Don't you know that pointing isn't polite?"
Director walked back onto the set. "Hey, you!" Director pointed at Hewkii. "Stick to your lines, bud! I already have plans to fire Pewku for not doing so!"
"Hey, you!" Hewkii retorted, looking at Director. "Don't you also know that pointing isn't polite?"
Director groaned, walking off the set. "What is up with that?" he muttered. "Since when has Hewkii been Mr. Super-Polite? Can't a person point without getting yelled at?"
"So, anyways," Hewkii continued, ignoring the Director's comment, "who are you and what brings you to the gates of Po-Koro?"
"It is I, Takua the Chronicler!" replied Takua, proud of his title.
"Takua the Chronicler..." muttered Hewkii, thinking for a moment. "Oh, I do know you! You were that guy who stole my sandwich!"
"Oh, well," shrugged Takua, who looked rather sheepish. "Anyways, Pewku and I are searching for Matoran to join our company!"
"What will your company be manufacturing?" queried Hewkii.
"No, no, not that type of company," Takua shook his head. "I mean a company that goes around, adventuring and stuff."
"Hold on a second, I'll ask my fellow Matoran," Hewkii replied. He turned around, looked down into Po-Koro, and shouted, "Hey, does anyone want to join some moron Chronicler as part of his stupid company to go around doing random stuff?" No reply. Hewkii shrugged, turned around, looked at Takua, and said, "Sorry, no volunteers. Anything else?"
"Oh, yes," Takua nodded, and reached into a pack that wasn't in the previous clip, and wouldn't be in the next clip (that, my friends, is called a continuity error). He pulled out two coconuts. "I was wondering... are these yours?"
Hewkii narrowed his eyes and bent forward, trying to see what Takua was holding. The Po-Matoran, unfortunately, bent over so much that he fell over the side of the Po-Koro gates and fell promptly on the sand in front of Takua. Muttering to himself, he looked at the coconuts and took them from Takua's hands. "No, these are not mine," he replied. "Why do you ask?"
"Oh, because I found them out there in the desert!" replied Takua.
"Erm, Takua," Pewku whispered, nudging the Ta-Matoran with her claw, "you didn't find them, I found them."
"Oh, shut up!" muttered Takua.
"Hold on, you found these out in Po-Wahi?" asked Hewkii.
"Yes, in fact we did!" nodded Takua.
"Po-Wahi, the coconut-free region?" inquired Hewkii, raising an eyebrow (well, he would've if BIONICLE characters had eyebrows). "How on Mata Nui's name could they end up there?"
Takua shrugged. "I don't know, perhaps they were carried here by a Kewa?"
Director glanced at the script and shook his head. "Takua, you moron," he muttered. "The script says 'Gukko,' not 'Kewa!' The Kewa is not even canon anymore! Sure, it appeared in MNOLG and Tales of the Tohunga - "
"Erm, Director?" Narrator interrupted. "Don't you know that the game 'Tales of the Tohunga' is now supposed to be referred to as 'Quest for the Toa'?"
Director flung his hands in the air. "Whatever! Sure, the Kewa appeared in MNOLG and Tales – erm, Quest for the Toa, but after that it became non-canon! Now, we're going to end up with a lawsuit on our hands!"
"I don't know," replied Hewkii, scratching his head. "The Kewa is a relatively small bird, and with the size and weight of the coconut and the strength of wind velocity..."
Another Po-Matoran named Ally poked his head over the Po-Koro wall. "Hello!" he cried. "Who's down there?"
"It's me," Hewkii replied, looking up at Ally, "along with Takua the Chronicler and his moron crab named Pewku!"
"I am NOT a moron!" screamed Pewku. "I know what E=MC2 means!"
"Alright," Ally replied, arms crossed, "what does it mean?"
"Elephants are Equal to Morons eating Cheese shaped in Squares!" Pewku said proudly.
"Now," muttered Director, shaking his head, "not only will we have a Maori lawsuit on our hands, soon we'll have an Albert Einstein lawsuit on our hands for insulting his logic completely!"
"The Chronicler brings up a good question," Hewkii continued, holding up the coconuts. "How can a Kewa carry these coconuts to Po-Wahi?"
Ally shrugged. "Well, I don't know. Perhaps if a Kewa had made the coconut lightweight by hollowing out the interior... no, Kewa don't know how to do that."
"Any other ideas?" asked Hewkii.
"Um, guys?" Takua asked, but was promptly ignored.
"Suppose if two Kewa carried the same coconut..." pondered Ally.
"Are you two just going to contemplate Kewa and coconuts all day?" screamed Takua.
"Well, actually... yes," Hewkii nodded.
"That's it," muttered Takua, and he turned and began to leave. "Pack your things, Pewku, we're leaving!"
Pewku walked after him, inquiring just what to pack, since they didn't bring anything with them besides the coconuts. All the while, Hewkii and Ally were trying to figure out just how could a Kewa carry a coconut from Le-Wahi or Ga-Wahi all the way to Po-Wahi.
Comments appreciated. Constructive criticism encouraged. Spam given to the vikings. Flaming given to the pyromaniacs.
Edited by PeabodySam, Mar 16 2015 - 02:04 PM.