Irrie's Adventure in Cucumberland

[Irrie]

The Irrational Rock, clad in a pink tutu and sombrero paced back and forth on his front lawn.

“A horrible feeling...boredom. No matter what I do, nothing can solve it. I’ve tried abducting the entire BZPower moderation team, I’ve tried resurrecting all of the banned members from the dead, I’ve tried inventing a new form of adspam, I’ve tried making a DVD to teach young kids how to do basic karate, I’ve even tried dressing up in this here formal attire to try to ask Greg Farshtey out on a date. And still I am somehow bored.”

He sat down and an idea came to him.

“Hm...I like watching people fight. Especially if they’re wearing nightgowns and baseball caps. Maybe…oh, maybe...yes, I feel a splendid idea emerging…”

He then turned around and ran into his house. From there he donned a black robe and a copy of ‘Evil Magic for Dummies’.

Once he was in his basement, he flipped to a page marked by a big green bookmark.

“Ah, yes…*ahem*, hoo haa hoo haa hoo haa...Santo Rita Mita, Meada Ringo Jonah, Tito Marlon Jack, La Toya Janet Michael, Dumbledora the Explorer from the depths of Karzahni, I SUMMON THEE!”

An enormous chasm randomly ripped open and he was sent plummeting into it.

 

Exactly three hours and a second later, he landed on a gigantic trampoline that conveniently didn’t kill him from the impact. When he stood up, he beheld a majestic sight around him. Enormous stretches of grassland were laid out before him, with large cucumbers sprouting out of the ground where there would normally be trees.

The Irrational Rock heard the sound of wheels behind him. When he turned around, he saw a life sized version of the Bionicle named Umbra.

“Duuuuuuude, that’s pretty sick-nasty on in the south side Chicago, if yah know what I mean,” he said.

The Irrational Rock was somewhat stunned by this peculiar sight.

“Are you Umbra? Because you look like him, aside the fact that he is an inanimate toy that’s only a few inches tall.”

“Dude...I am Umbra. But what if...we’re all Umbra?”

“I’m The Irrational Rock. I’m also known as TIR or Irrie, depending on who you ask.”

“Oh, you’re that Ko-Matoran, right?”

“Hardly! I am a Toa of Earth!”

“What? Last time I checked, Ehrye was a Ko-Matoran.”

“I said Irrie, not Ehrye.”

“Duuuuuude...what if...you’re Ehyre...but in disguse...woah man.”

“I can assure you there isn’t a drop of Ko-Matoran blood in me.”

“So you’re like...emo?”

“What? No.”

“Then how do you know there isn’t any Ko-Matoran blood in you if you don’t regularly cut yourself?”

“That’s...I...nevermind. So what is this place?”

“This is Cucumberland.”

“Why did a chasm in my basement that lead to a three hour drop into Cucumberland?”

“I dunno man...sounds pretty geometric if you know what I’m feeling.”

“You’re a very odd person, Umbra.”

“Bruuuuuuuh.”

“I seem to remember you being cold and robotic in the story.”

“What story?”

“You know, the Bionicle story.”

“Oh yeah, that story. Tolkien wrote that, right dude?”

“Well, partially.”

“Duuuude, that’s so radcore. Makes me want to become soil erosion.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.”

“What?”

“What if...twenty-seven?”

“Why?”

“Your mom.”

“Okay then.”

“So now what, my homie?”

“Well, seeing that I’m now stuck in Cucumberland forever, show me where everything is.”

“Alright...dude…that right there...that’s grass. And that up there...that’s the sky. And those over there...those are cucumbers.”

“No, I mean the landmarks. Where can I get some food?”

“Oh, well the food is over here.”

Umbra then proceeded to transform into a beam of light, and he sped away in one seemingly random direction. Little did Umbra know, Irrie did not have the same abilities that he did.

“Great, now I’m without a guide and hungry simultaneously. Falling for three hours can really take a lot out of you.”

He then proceeded to walk in the direction that Umbra sped off in. All was quiet for about fifteen minutes before he felt the ground shaking. Then, the land before him exploded in a gigantic cloud of dirt.

“Mama Luigi! What was that?”

As he ran to investigate, he saw a figure emerge from the dust.

“No...it can’t be…”

To be continued...

Edited April 19, 2015 by The Irrational Rock

[Petewa]

Not half bad, I'd say about three quarters bat, first of all, you revealed your gender. I know now to call you an 'it' second of all, what's the picture at the end supposed to be?

[Irrie]

Well, it isn't exactly a secret that I'm a guy. 

And the animated GIF is there because it felt so...right. 

[Petewa]

No seriously, what's it supposed to be? I can't see it.

[Irrie]

No seriously, what's it supposed to be? I can't see it.

http://bit.ly/1HRyJX3

 

If that link doesn't work, try this one:

 

http://bit.ly/IqT6zt

[Petewa]

They're both banned.

[Irrie]

Oh. Well uh, don't think I can do anything for yah there. 
 
 

Well, it turned out that there wasn’t anything shocking behind the cloud of dirt but dirt, dirt, and more dirt (notice the usage of the Oxford comma).

Unhindered by this rather odd phenomena, Irrie continued his walk. It was then that another explosion happened, possessing the exact same attributes as the previous one. Then a third and fourth one.

Finally on the fifth time a being emerged. He was around Toa-height, and was clad in brown armor with a Kaukau.

“Petewa, do I even want to know how you made it to Cucumberland?”

“Hush, Irrie. I am busy!” he replied as he turned around faced the cloud of dirt in the air. Five minutes of rather uncomfortable silence passed.

“Done yet?”

“No.”

Five more minutes.

“Seriously, what are you doing?”

“Nothing, actually. It was all a trick to make you stand up.”

“Why would you trick me into standing up?”

“Because, standing up burns calories.”

“I would have been standing up anyway. I don’t see a chair or anything around here. Just grass, hills, and gigantic cucumbers.”

“But this method is much more direct.”

“Oh...as I was saying ten minutes ago, how did you get here?”

“Well, I was drawing some fanart on my computer, and my chair ate me.”

“Your chair ate you?”

“Indeed it did.”

“Now how did it accomplish that, seeing that chairs don’t have mouths?”

“It was an interesting process, really. It involved a lot of bending and muscular redistribution. It took about an hour, but I finally made it into Cucumberland.”

“Oh…”

“Yep.”

“Well, I don’t think that I even want to hear any more details about that. Anyway, how exactly did you get underground?”

“As soon as I arrived in this realm, I was greeted by a kind fellow named Keetongu.”

“Oh really?”

“Yah really. We talked about things such as the weather, the gas prices, and his pet cat named Garbanzo.”

At that moment, the head of Keetongu exploded out of the ground, followed by the rest of his body. He then burst into song.

 

Oh in the merry month of June, from me home I started,

Left the girls of Tuam so sad and broken hearted,

Saluted father dear, kissed me darling mother,

Drank a pint of bear, me grief and tears to smother.

Then off to reap the corn, leave where I was born,

Cut a stout blackthorn to banish ghost and goblin,

Bought a pair of brogues to rattle over the bogs,

Frightenin’ all the dogs on the rocky road to Dublin,

One two three four five,

Hunt the hare and turn ‘er down, the rocky road and all the way,

To Dublin wack-fol-la-lee-daaaaaa!

 

“Oh,” replied Petewa.

Keetongu then proceeded to bury himself under the ground again.

“Well, I guess that solves that problem,” remarked Irrie. The two of them then proceeded to walk in a seemingly random direction, for all of the directions looked the same.

“Why are we going this way again?” Petewa asked.

“Well, I encountered Umbra earlier and he told me that there was food this way.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“What?”

“We’re literally surrounded by cucumbers. Why not just eat them?”

“Oh yeah. I forgot.”

Petewa made an audible facepalm. They walked toward the nearest cucumber.

“You take a bite first.”

“No, you take a bite.”

“What if it’s poisonous?”

“Exactly.”

“Ladies first, Petewa.”

“Exactly, so you should go first.”

“What? I will have you know that testosterone marches through my veins like giant radioactive rubber pants!”

“Yeah, but you’re a rock. You don’t have veins. Or testosterone.”

“You do know that that’s just my username, right?”
“Close enough,” said Petewa as he pushed Irrie into the cucumber. His mouth was open for he was about to utter a curse toward Petewa, however it was soon filled with cucumber.

“So, what does it taste like?”

Irrie continued chewing thoughtfully.

“It tastes like chili’s.”

“What?”

“Hi, welcome to chili’s.”

“What?”

“I’m as drunk as a panda on taco Tuesday.”

“What?”

“Here comes the Crimson Sausage.”

“What?”

“Look out, it’s Tommy Nitro!”

“What?”

“BZPower.”

“Who?”

“Your mother.”

“Okay.”

“Octagons.”

“So, what’s it taste like?”

“It tastes like chili’s.”

“What?”

“Hi, welcome to chili’s.”

“What?”

“I’m as drunk as a panda on taco Tuesday.”

“What?”

“Here comes the Crimson Sausage.”

“What?”

“Look out, it’s Tommy Nitro!”

“What?”

“BZPower.”

“Who?”

“Your mother.”

“Okay.”

“Octagons.”

“So, what’s it taste like?”

“It tastes like chili’s.”

“What?”

“Hi, welcome to chili’s.”

“What?”

“I’m as drunk as a panda on taco Tuesday.”

“What?”

“Here comes the Crimson Sausage.”

“What?”

“Look out, it’s Tommy Nitro!”

“What?”

“BZPower.”

“Who?”

“Your mother.”

“Okay.”

“Octagons.”

“So, let’s stop with the CTRL+V stuff here.”

“Good idea.”

They then ate the rest of the cucumber and continued to walk in another seemingly random direction.

“You know what I’ve noticed, Petewa?”

“What?”
“The sun doesn’t move. It’s always at noon.”

“Well that sun is stupid.”
“I agree.”

“You want to blow it up or something?”

“Of course.”

It was then that Petewa spotted buildings off in the distance.  

“Woah, hey guys. Welcome to eb games.”

“I know, right.”

“Do, to the buildings?”

“To the buildings!”

“They are buildings!”

“And buildings we must!”

“Buildings!”

 

 

To be continued…

 

 

Edited April 22, 2015 by The Irrational Rock

[Petewa]

IT'S NOT A KAUKAU!

And plus, I specifically remember you arguing that I shouldn't call you by any gender-specific pronoun because rocks don't have genders.

[Irrie]

IT'S NOT A KAUKAU!

 

And plus, I specifically remember you arguing that I shouldn't call you by any gender-specific pronoun because rocks don't have genders.

Shhhhhhh. That never happened...

[McNugget]

That is by far, the greatest Gif. ever.

[Irrie]

That is by far, the greatest Gif. ever.

I'll be adding a very relevant Gif at the end of each chapter.

[Kovika: Visorak Lord]

What in Mata Nui's name have you done here Irrie? I swear by a Rahkshi's foot if I show up there with a bunch of Visorak or a psychotic Dane trying to kill me...

YOU WILL DIE.

[Petewa]

What in Mata Nui's name have you done here Irrie? I swear by a Rahkshi's foot if I show up there with a bunch of Visorak or a psychotic Dane trying to kill me...

YOU WILL DIE.

Hehe, Rahkshi have big feet, hehe,

[Irrie]

Irrie and Petewa trekked along the rolling hills of Cucumberland, pursuing the outlines of buildings in the distance. As they drew closer they could make out more features of it. It looked somewhat like a collection of Matoran huts.

“Skyscraper huts?” asked Petewa.

“Kind of an oxymoron if you ask me.”

They cleared a rather large hill and made a rather odd discovery. The city was on the back of a gigantic Dermis Turtle.

“Didn’t know that rahi were good foundations for architectural development.”

They kept walking. As they neared the creature, they saw that it too was walking, leaving gigantic depressions in the land where it stepped. There was a rope trailing down from the end of the rahi. The two of them grabbed on to the dangling object and climbed up using small knots that were placed along the way. After roughly two minutes, they made it up to the top of the turtle. Once they were there, they saw that the village was a collection of huts circled around the other edge of the shell. On the far side was a larger hut with two torches on either side of the entrance.

Irrie and Petewa walked to the first hut on the left. In typical MNOG fashion, they didn’t knock but rather walked right into the hut. There was no illumination inside except for the light that streamed in from the entrance. Nobody was inside of it, however there was a slice of lemon cake positioned in the middle of the room.

“Well this isn’t creepy at all,” remarked Petewa.

“You should take a bite out of that cake,” said Irrie.

“What? No, you should do it.”

“I took a bite out of the last thing.”

“When?”

“Don’t you remember, the cucumber? It happened only about an hour ago.”

“That never happened.”

“Uh, yeah it did.”

“Okay maybe it did, but I still think you should eat it.”

“UGLY!”

“Who said that?”

“UGLY!”

“Show yourself!”

“PETEWA, YOUR FANART IS UGLY!”

Irrie and Petewa were very confused at this, ‘twas that was the voice of fellow BZ Nui resident, Sharkydane.

“Dane? Where are you?” asked Irrie.

“I’m right here.”

“I don’t see you anywhere.”

“I’m still here, Irrie.”

“Don’t mess with me Dane, where are you?”

“I’m in the middle of the room!”

The only thing in the room was the slice of lemon cake.

“That can only mean…”

“YES.”

“I’m not even going to begin to try to comprehend the reality of this,” said Petewa.

“YOU’RE STILL UGLY!”

Irrie found a backpack hanging on a hook inside of the hut, in similar fashion to a certain well-known 2001 flash game based on a Lego theme. He then proceeded to pick up Sharkydane and placed him inside of the backpack.

“Since you don’t seem to have legs, you’ll just have to ride in here.”

“Sounds like fried spinach.”

“Dane, what exactly are you doing in Cucumberland anyway?”

“I dunno, to be honest. One moment I was posting something on BZPower that explained how UGLY Petewa’s most recent fanart was. The next I was in this dank hut.”

Petewa and Irrie exchanged glances.

“Maybe all of the people in BZ Nui got transported here?” said Petewa.

“That’s what it looks like. I still have yet to meet anybody outside of it here.”

The three of them then left the hut, and still honoring MNOG fashion, went to the next one without knocking.

This time they encountered a rather strange, borderline disturbing sight. Inside of this hut were at least fifty Visorak squashed in together like sardines. They could just barely make out a white armored hand sticking out of the mess.

“I don’t think we even need to question who that belongs to,” said Petewa as he grabbed it and pulled. Out from the pile flung Kovika, clad in bright white armor and a great Huna.

“Ew! Throw it back!”

“Shut up Irrie.”

“Mata Nui, it can talk! Throw it back! I don’t want it anymore!”

“I said shut up!”

“Yes ma’am.”

“UGLY!”

“Nobody asked you, Dane!”

“Get me out of this backpack, it’s getting stuffy!”

“NO.”

“YOUR MOTHER!”

“YOUR MOTHER!”

“ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO REPEAL WORLD ASSEMBLY RESOLUTION NUMBER TWO, THE RIGHTS AND DUTIES OF WA STATES!”
“NO!”

“ANOTHER COUP IN LAZARUS!”
“YOUR MOTHER!”

Five more minutes of insanity continued.

“Irrie, I seem to remember directly telling you not to introduce me along with a bunch of Visorak.”

“Yeah, so I naturally did the opposite that you did.”

Five minutes of extremely graphic and slightly disturbingly executed fighting later, they had finally calmed down.

“Well, that was counter-productive,” said Petewa as he hauled the two of them away from each other. “How about you explain how you got into that tangle of Visorak, Kovika?”

“Well I was at my house meditating, like the good Toa of Ice that I am.”

“Nerd!”

“Shut it Irrie. So I was balancing myself while simultaneously taking a journey into self-realization. Then all of the sudden, the lamp that was in the other room walked into where I was. It ate me, and I was falling through a series of pipes for a rather long time. When I landed I was inside that gigantic mob of spiders.”

“So, are either you or Dane aware of the fact that we’re on the back of a gigantic turtle?” asked Petewa.

“What?” replied Dane.

“That’s right.”

“Hm, that explains why the ground was shaking so much.”

“Hey, what’s in those other huts?” asked Irrie.

The four of them walked to the closest one. Inside was a picture of Greg Farshtey in the middle of the room. The same applied to every other hut on the turtle’s back. That is, except for the big hut in the middle of the ring.

To be continued...

[Petewa]

Slice of lemon flavored cake? How convenient that that just so happens to be my favorite flavor of pastry, revenge will be swift and enjoyable.

[McNugget]

I Must know More about the Ring!!!

Like say, did someone buy it at the local Jewelry Shop?

Edited April 25, 2015 by Dragon11603

[Petewa]

I Must know More about the Ring!!!

Like say, did someone buy it at the local Jewelry Shop?

Considering it's a bunch of houses consistently placed in the shape of a ring around the huttscaper, probably not.

[McNugget]

 

I Must know More about the Ring!!!

Like say, did someone buy it at the local Jewelry Shop?

Considering it's a bunch of houses consistently placed in the shape of a ring around the huttscaper, probably not.

 

A Christmas present from the Turtles sister?

[Petewa]

 

 

I Must know More about the Ring!!!

Like say, did someone buy it at the local Jewelry Shop?

Considering it's a bunch of houses consistently placed in the shape of a ring around the huttscaper, probably not.

 

A Christmas present from the Turtles sister?

 

No, the turtle ate the sister at a very young age.

[McNugget]

 

 

 

I Must know More about the Ring!!!

Like say, did someone buy it at the local Jewelry Shop?

Considering it's a bunch of houses consistently placed in the shape of a ring around the huttscaper, probably not.

 

A Christmas present from the Turtles sister?

 

No, the turtle ate the sister at a very young age.

 

What about the other Sister? Great Great Great Great Great Grandmothers Cousin Perhaps?

[Irrie]

Glad to see there's some philosophical discussion going on here. 

[Petewa]

 

 

 

 

I Must know More about the Ring!!!

Like say, did someone buy it at the local Jewelry Shop?

Considering it's a bunch of houses consistently placed in the shape of a ring around the huttscaper, probably not.

 

A Christmas present from the Turtles sister?

 

No, the turtle ate the sister at a very young age.

 

What about the other Sister? Great Great Great Great Great Grandmothers Cousin Perhaps?

 

The turtle ate both of those too.

 

Glad to see there's some philosophical discussion going on here. 

Philosophy? You don't know philosophy until you're locked in a basement with your ninth dimension counterpart for months on end.

[McNugget]

1.The turtle is obviously a Big Eater(Pun obviously Intended)

 

2.Then I obviously know Philosophy.

[Kovika: Visorak Lord]

You know little of philosophy until locked in a room with a Ko-Matoran. You know little of history unless locked in a room with a Onu-Matoran. You know little of the word 'UGLY!' unless trapped in a room with Dane and Petewa for 5 minutes.

[Petewa]

1.The turtle is obviously a Big Eater(Pun obviously Intended)

 

2.Then I obviously know Philosophy.

Wait, what?

 

You know little of philosophy until locked in a room with a Ko-Matoran. You know little of history unless locked in a room with a Onu-Matoran. You know little of the word 'UGLY!' unless trapped in a room with Dane and Petewa for 5 minutes.

I will consume his now food-based body.

[Irrie]

 

Glad to see there's some philosophical discussion going on here. 

Philosophy? You don't know philosophy until you're locked in a basement with your ninth dimension counterpart for months on end.

 

Didn't know Av-Matoran were into that kind of stuff. I'll have to include that somehow in Cucumberland. 

[Petewa]

 

 

Glad to see there's some philosophical discussion going on here. 

Philosophy? You don't know philosophy until you're locked in a basement with your ninth dimension counterpart for months on end.

 

Didn't know Av-Matoran were into that kind of stuff. I'll have to include that somehow in Cucumberland. 

 

Yse.

[Dane-gerous]

This is by far the most glorious comedy ever made.

[Petewa]

My pony avatar was female because the pony dimension version of me is female.

Well, I guess I'm a woman now then =3

 

Well Dane, I sure hope this gets incorporated into this comedy.

[Irrie]

“That’s a very ominous hut,” said Kovika.
“Largeness doesn’t necessarily imply ominousness,” answered Dane. “For example, my hut was the spookiest of them all. What’s worse than seeing an empty hut with a lone slice of talking lemon cake in the middle of the floor? I’ll tell you - still being in your dwelling when the Kinoka get there.”

“That last part made no sense.”

“If I had hands, I’d be knifing you right now.”

“That’s good to know, Dane. Good to know.”

The four of them entered into the large hut. It was mostly dark, except for a few lightstones positioned upon the walls. Unlike traditional lightstones, these were purple colored. Inside was a stand that was made out of bamboo wood. On it were four pitchers that were filled with a strange bubbly yellow liquid.

“Okay, maybe this is ominous,” said Dane.

“Whose turn is it to drink or bite first?” asked Irrie.

“I think it’s Dane’s,” replied Petewa.

“What? I don’t even have a mouth!”

“Good point. Kovika, you go first.”

“Oh no. No way! I’m not getting poisoned from suspicious yellow liquids just so that you don’t have to.”

“But there’s four of them. Clearly this is a sign from the Great Spirit Matametruvoyamahrikarda Nui!” exclaimed Petewa.

“No.”

“Please?”

“I said no.”

“I’ll pay you.”

“How much?”

“My undying gratitude.”

“No.”

“Fine, I’ll drink it,” he said as he walked toward the table. He picked up the pitcher on the left side and put to his mouth. He started chugging it down and finished in about thirty seconds, which was quite an amazing feat when you consider that the liquid was of a rather thick viscosity. After he finished it, he turned around.

And the three of them gasped when they saw him.  

‘Twas a face that Ghidora will never love. Petewa had become a woman.

“MY TURN, MY TURN!” shouted Irrie as he ran past her and almost knocked over the table as he skid to a hault. He grabbed the next pitcher and chugged it down in five seconds.

“Huzzah!” she shouted as she turned around. “I am finally at peace with my femininity!”

The now female Irrie reached into her backpack and grabbed Dane-cake from it. She held him out over the third pitcher.

“I really don’t think this is a good idea,” he said but was interrupted when Irrie dropped him into the pitcher. The surprisingly absorbent texture of the lemon cake caused almost all of the liquid to be soaked up by it. It was quite an amazing sight to behold.

“So...is he a girl now?” asked Petewa.

“I feel so...so...so alive!” said Dane. “I am now what I could never be before! I am a female slice of lemon cake! I AM BECOME LIFE.”

“Your turn, Kovika!”

“Ha! You all can go around and mess with your genders but I’m secure in my masculinity as is, thank you very much.”

“Are you suuuuure?” asked Irrie. “It’s a lot of fun.”

“No.”

“I’ll pay you.”

“How much?”

“I won’t draw a mustache on your mask while you’re asleep.”

“Tempting, but no.”

“Fine, I guess I’ll have to drink Kovika’s pitcher,” said Petewa. She walked to the fourth container and chugged it down.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” asked Kovika.

“I’m sure it’s fine. I mean, what harm can it do?” she asked as she drank the fourth potion.

Then, twin beams of energy shot out from her eye sockets. They struck the wall and transformed into a goose. The goose flew out the window.

 

“Well, now that that extremely disturbing experience is over, can we please find out what we’re doing here?” asked Kovika.

“Oh sure,” said Dane. “We just find out why we’re here and that’s the end of the story. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS THE END OF THE STORY.”

“Well you’re the female slice of lemon cake here.”

“Excuse me, do you find my femininity something to be made fun of?”

“Well it’s kind of hard to think that lemon cake can have genders.”

“Uh...well...you see…hm...I...uh...eh...”

“My point exactly.”

“Ha! Well I’m going to transform into a Toa just to prove you wrong!”

“Good luck with that. Last time I checked, slices of lemon cake don’t just magically become other species.”

At that moment, Dane became a Toa.

“What...how…”

“Never underestimate me,” she said.

Kovika glared at them.

“Why do I even put up with you guys...er...whatever you are. You know what...just...nevermind. Look, if the four of us are here, that must mean that there are other people from BZ Nui here as well.”

“Gee, you think? Hasn’t that already been established?” remarked Irrie.

“And after I’m done with you, there’ll only be three people in this group.”

“U wot m8? Make another comment and I’ll have ‘yer head on a stick.”

“I’ve beaten you before, I’ll do it again.”

“That was just in a rap battle, and it was more of a tie because Dallior stepped in and stopped us from spamming the PM with it.”

“Rap battles count as real battles.”

“Okay maybe they do, but that still doesn’t mean that you can defeat me in combat. Besides, my skill has improved since our last confrontation.”

“Improved, you say? By doing what exactly?”

“I have gained a property known as female charm.”

“Oh shut up will you?”

“If you just hurried up and accepted your fate of becoming at peace with your woman side like we have, you would finally understand so many things.”

“Irrie, I don’t want to turn this into an argument about which gender is dominate. Besides, you’ve only been female for a few minutes, you can’t possibly speak for all females.”

At that moment, there was the sound of an explosion outside. The dermis turtle that they were standing upon reared back on its hind legs, sending the four of them flying backwards and slamming into the far wall of the hut. Then the dermis turtle shook itself like a wet dog, sending the huts flying off of its back. They went flying through the sky, landing hundreds of yards away in the grassy fields of Cucumberland. The gigantic turtle then sprinted off at high speed.

“Blast! It must’ve gone mad on us,” said Dane. “I’ve got a friend who does dermis turtle drives across the barren wasteland of the Lego RPG forum. They said that often if one turtle gets scared, the rest will run off in random directions.”

“Dane, I don’t see any other gigantic dermis turtles,” said Petewa.

She shrugged. “Maybe they’re microscopic?”

“Why would you think that?”

“Well they’re giant turtles, maybe there are tiny ones also.”

“I can see reason in that logic.”

“I think that a bigger problem at hand is that there was an explosion just now,” said Kovika.

“Meh.”

“Not that big of a deal.”

“I can live with it.”

At that moment, another explosion sounded. And they heard a new voice talking from behind them.

“I believe I can answer that question,” they said.

[Petewa]

Thirty? That's a record low...

[Irrie]

Thirty? That's a record low...

It was a large pitcher, m'kay. 

[Petewa]

I find Kovika's reluctance disturbing.

[Irrie]

I know, right? I'm probably going to have one of use sneak up on him while he's asleep and shoot him with an estrogen-laden dart. 

[Petewa]

Or if there's anything left of whatever that stuff was, that might work.

[Irrie]

Before of them stood a terrible beastie, one that was sadly never included into any more years after it was first introduced…

 

“Well whaddya know, it’s Gadunka,” said Irrie. “I remember when I first got the Gadunka set. I always wondered why it came with a squid launcher, seeing that it’s a rahi.”

“Do you want the answer or not?” Gadunka asked.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Alright. Um, what was the question again?”

Kovika made an audible facepalm.

“You all are so stupid,” he said. “Gadunka, do you know why we heard a bunch of explosion noises?”

“Oh, that’s because we’re near the Forest of Kumquats.”

“What’s that?”

“The Forest of Kumquats is a renowned region throughout all of Cucumberland. There, gigantic trees grow and have explosive kumquats that fall to the ground.”

“Like thornax plants?”

“Sort of. Only when the kumquats hit the ground they make an explosion sound but don’t actually blow up.”

“That sounds kind of redundant,” said Dane.

“Most things do,” replied Gadunka. “Well, I’m almost late for work. See y’all!”

He turned around and ran off into the sunset.

“I didn’t know that Gadunka had a job until just now,” said Petewa.

“I didn’t know that Gadunka had three syllables until just now,” said Irrie.

“I didn’t know that Gadunka had toenails until just now,” said Dane.

“I didn’t know that Gadunka had not realized that all three of you are idiots until just now,” mumbled Kovika.

The four of them continued walking toward the forest on the horizon, the sound of exploding kumquats slowly drawing nearer. The sun had gone down, and the gibbous moon was now rising. But wait, doesn’t the sun always stay in one place? I dunno, Cucumberland is weird. It’s always changing, m8.

“Dang, I’m tired,” said Dane. “Let’s sleep here for the night.”

“On the grass?” asked Kovika.

“Yeah. It feels pretty soft.”

“Whatever,” he said. “You three can sleep. I’m going to go meditate.”

“Why meditate when you can sleep?” asked Petewa.

“Us Ko-Toa don’t sleep. We enter a deep state of meditation where our bodies recharge while taking a journey into self-realization.”

“That’s called sleeping and dreaming,” said Irrie.

“Shut up you mud-digger,” he spat as he walked away from the others. He sat cross-legged and faced the rising moon.

 

The three girls hid behind one of the cucumber trees.

“Alright, here’s the plan,” said Irrie. “Petewa, do you still have any of that laser beam stuff that came from drinking the extra potion?”

“Yep,” she replied. “But what will making a goose have to do with any of this?”

“Since the goose was created from two beams of pure femaleness, we can assume that the composition of the goose is also pure femaleness. Thus, we can take some sort of liquid or whatever from the goose and inject it into Kovika, that would make him female like us!”

“Brilliant,” said Dane. “But what liquid from the goose will we use? Blood? Stomach bile? Saliva?”

“Seeing that this is a family-friendly website, I suggest that we use something that doesn’t involve censoring, like goose tears,” replied Irrie.

“How will we invoke the goose to cry for us?” asked Petewa.

“Um...can geese even cry?” said Dane.

“Good question,” said Irrie as she took off her backpack. She rummaged through the stuff in there and produced a small cube.

“This is an internet-in-a-box. We asked it a question and it’ll search the internet for us. It will then print the correct webpage.”

She pressed a red button at the top of the box.

“Oh Humble and Wise Internet, tell us, can geese cry?”

A page printed out.

 

“Well that’s a disappointment,” remarked Dane.

“Maybe instead of using a body fluid we could do something different?” asked Petewa. “Maybe if I shot Kovika with my laser beams, it would turn him female?”

“I dunno, but it might work,” said Irrie. “Let’s try it.”

Petewa poked her head out from behind the cucumber tree and spotted Kovika where he was before. She charged up her laser eyes and fired two bolts of energized femininity when they struck Kovika, it burned two holes into his back armor and he snapped out of his meditation with a shriek of pain.  

“Let’s go see how he turned out,” said Dane as the three of them rushed toward where he lay. But when they got there, they made a shocking discovery.

The shocking discovery was...shockingly shocking.

Instead of just becoming female like they intended, the lasers made him female and a goose at the same time.

“Well...this is...interesting,” said Petewa.

Kovika lifted his head.

“What did you two...wait, why am I so short? And why is my nose so long…” his voice trembled as he looked down at his new goose body.

“You...you three...imbeciles…I’LL KILL YOU!” she honked as she took flight and started pecking at their masks. Luckily Dane happened to have a spray can of mace handy, and she sprayed down the savage bird.

“Kovika,” said Irrie, “I know that you’re upset that you are now a goose. But look on the bright side, you’re also female!”

Kovika fainted.

“Great, now he’s out. What do we do now?” Dane said.

“Let’s bury him,” said Irrie.

“No, he’ll just kill us once he wakes up and digs out. I say we stuff him inside of one of these cucumbers. Petewa, you’re good at carving, right?”

“Best the element of stone has to offer,” she replied.
“Good. Carve a hole in one of the cucumbers and we’ll stuff Kovika in there.”

“Why exactly are we doing this?”

“I dunno, I’m just as bored as you are.”

“Valid point,” she said as she grabbed her carving tools from her knapsack. She walked to the neared cucumber and started to carve. When she was done, Irrie and Dane put the unconscious goose form of Kovika into the hole. Petewa then put some of the excess cucumber remnants into the hole to seal it off.

“Will she be able to breathe?” she asked.

“I guess we’ll find out tomorrow,” said Irrie. The three of them lay down on the ground and went to sleep.

[McNugget]

I don't think the Cucumbers would like that, I'm a blood relative to one. Cucumbers hate being carved, and having stuff stuffed inside of them.

[Irrie]

Hmm...

 

Next up, the attack of the vengeful cucumbers! 

[McNugget]

I am the Cucumber King! ATTACK IRRIE MY ROYAL SUBJECTS!

[Irrie]

Oh no! Not culinary vegetables that create seedless fruit without pollination! My only weakness!