Irrie's Adventure in Cucumberland

Petewa · May 2, 2015

Y'know, I hate how everyone assumes that because I'm a Po-matoran, I'm also a carver, I'm not, I'm a Kohlii player, I suck at carving...I just suck less at Kohlii,

Irrie · May 2, 2015

I seem to remember you saying something about being a carver. Or that might have been Kovika, I forget.

Petewa · May 3, 2015

Yes. It was Kovika being racist.

Irrie · May 5, 2015

The three of them were awoken early the next morning by the muffled screams of Kovika.

“Didn’t think she’d freak out that much,” remarked Dane. She looked around at the nearby cucumbers. “Wait, where is she?”

“Look, the hole that I carved into the cucumber is gone! I’d also like to point out that I’m not a carver but a Kolhii player, but whatever.”

Kovika screamed again. But the sound was still coming from inside one of the the cucumber.

“Oh my Matametruvoyamahrikarda Nui, it ate her!” exclaimed Irrie.

“You have defaced the perfect form of a cucumber by stuffing a goose into it,” said a voice from behind them. They turned around and saw a being that was half Toa, half cucumber.

“Who...what are you?” said Petewa.

“I am Dragon11603. I speak for the cucumbers, for I am their messenger and their mouth. Last night, I witnessed you deforming one of my people and placing a goose inside of it, as I can see everywhere that there is a cucumber. You shall pay dearly for your crimes.”

“Look mister Dragon-”

“That’s Dragon11603 to you.”

“Oh...well sir, we didn’t mean to deface your holy cucumber lineage,” said Dane. “We just wanted to have some fun with one of our friends...that’s a goose.”

“Well you shall never have your friend back again, for it was consumed by the cucumber!”

Irrie squealed with happiness and jumped into the air.

“And now that you have no goose to protect you,” said Dragon11603, “my cucumber legions shall attack you! Brothers, destroy these heretics!”

Then, all of the cucumbers started slowly moving toward Irrie, Dane, and Petewa. At a speed equivalent to a snail’s standard of slow.

“Can’t we just outrun them?” asked Petewa.

“Well...um...that was considered by the design team...but uh...NO MATTER! I shall destroy you by myself!” roared Dragon11603 as he summoned his inner elemental cucumber energies.

“Lolwut? Cucumber isn’t an element!” said Dane.

“Neither is vacuum or acid, but they still got a Bohrok!” replied Dragon11603 as he went full super cucumber, huge amounts of energy radiating out from his green skin.
“I AM BECOME DEATH!” he bellowed as he fired a blast of cucumber energies at them. Petewa summoned a wall of stone and blocked the incoming attack. Irrie created a tunnel below her feet and disappeared below it, the entrance sealing off after her. Dane flew into the sky using ‘dem sweggy wings and shot bolts of plants (I guess that’s sort of possible) at Dragon11603. He spawned a cucumber sword and blocked the plant blasts and then shot another blast of elemental cucumbers at her.

Petewa warped the rock wall into a spherical boulder and kicked it. The rock flew through the air and struck the cucumber Toa on the head. He roared with fury and was about to spring at Petewa, but Irrie’s hand emerged from under the ground and grabbed his ankle, causing him to fall down as he tried to run. Irrie then emerged completely from the ground and created a fist made from soil. She struck Dragon11603 with it, but he was too fast. He shot cucumbers from his fingertips, which blasted her several yards back.

“Dane!” called Petewa.

“U wot m8?”

“You’re a Toa of plantlife, right?”

“Yep. And cake. And lemons. And goo. Spaaaaaaace! Is it infinite? What’s beyond space? I dunno, goo probably. Lots and lots of goo. But what’s beyond the goo? This is making my head hurt. #What’sBeyondTheGoo? We need a goo Edward Snowden.”

“Use your powers to control the cucumbers!”

“She can’t do that,” said Dragon11603. “Cucumbers aren’t plants, but they are parts of plants, not plants themselves. Oh sorry, I didn’t see you with all this Friday night business flying around. And inevitable death. #What’sBeyondTheGoo?”

It was at that moment that a beam of light shot from a random direction and blasted into Dragon11603. In a slow-motion scene filled with choir music, he dramatically fell to the ground. The beam of light then transformed into a the familiar figure of Umbra.

“DuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuGregFarshteywashereuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, why are you all fightin’?”

“Oh hey Umbra,” said Irrie as she walked back to where the group was.

“Heeey, you’re a girl now?”

“Yep.”

“That’s pretty radcore, yah know. If I wasn’t just a robot designed to protect a golden floating piece of plastic that can manipulate organic compounds in ways that defy many rudimentary laws of physics, I’d love to become a girl too.”

“You can if you just believe…”

At that moment, Dragon11603 returned to his feet.

“I am...become death...a Tommy Nitro’s Karate Adventure...hrmrmrmrmrmrrmr…”

“Dragon, I believe that it’s time you sat in the corner and thought about your actions,” said Dane. Dragon, with his head hanging low, walked to one of the cucumbers and sat down.

“As I was saying,” continued Irrie, “Petewa has a power that lets her feminize anything with eye beams. But they also become a goose.”

“Well what if you close one eye?” asked Umbra.

“That might work,” said Petewa. She closed her left eye and fired out of her right at a nearby cucumber. When it hit, it transformed into a goose.

“Maybe that means that my right makes things into geese, and my left turns stuff female.”

“We’ve unlocked the secrets of the universe, oh meh Matametruvoyamahrikarda Nui!”

Dragon11603 got back to his feet.

“Well, you’ve defeated me in battle. My lineage has been disgraced, and my cucumber ancestors will surely torment me in my sleep if I remain here any longer.”

“You could come with us,” said Dane.

“Dane, are you aware of the fact that he just tried to kill us?”

“Partially. But we need a replacement for Kovika.”

“Speaking of, where is that Ko-Goose?”

“I can answer that question,” said Dragon. “She was absorbed into the cucumber that you put her inside of. She is now one with the cucumber master race.”

“Sounds painful.”

“It is, but only moderately. Kind of like when you have a bruise and it feels sore, but not too bad.”

At that moment, Umbra, being late for work just like Gadunka, zipped away in his light beam form. After some discussion not worthy of recording, the four of them walked toward the forest of explosive kumquats.

“You know what I don’t get?” asked Dane.

“What’s that?” said Dragon.

“Kumquats are native to regions around modern-day Malaysia, however this is Cucumberland.”