If a Universe EndsWhat would happen if everything just… ended? Macku was taken aback. She had been gazing into the endless sands of Po-Wahi at sunset, the purple and pink hue was painted across the sky. It was quiet with a slight breeze whispering in her ear as she sat on a stone fence just outside of the village. She looked to her left at her companion. "What do you mean?" The ga-matoran asked softly, a puzzled expression danced across her face. "I mean… There have been so many attacks lately. Our villages are really struggling, and with you coming here from Ga-Koro-" Macku cut her companion off. "Hewkii, I'm fine. I've traveled here a thousand times before and it will sure take a lot to stop me from making the next thousand trips." She spoke proudly. Hewkii couldn't help but grin at her confidence. It was nice to hear stability in a time of such uncertainty. Even the Turaga seemed on-edge with the recent waves of rahi attacks. But his happy expression would not last. "… I know…" he muttered, "but suppose something happens. What if the rahi are too powerful? What if The Makuta wins? What if-" Hewkii stopped himself. Macku almost seemed afraid from such talk. He decided to change the topic to his kohli practice. Before long the sun had set and Macku had to return to her home in Ga-Koro. On her way home, she could still hear his unspoken words in her head. What if their universe came to an end? After the sun had risen the following day, the villagers would find that six toa had appeared and the island of Mata Nui would never be the same. Macku looked back on this memory with a small, silent chuckle. She thought back to her home; the blue waves playfully rolling over the white sand beach, the chimes of birds in the nearby forest, the fish and wildlife that filled the vast, vast sea… It all made her heart break. Hewkii had grown far stronger since then. He'd gained more confidence and had even aided the toa at the Kini-nui. Macku had been happy for him… her best friend on the island. It was very late at night. Macku could hardly sleep, try as she might. Eventually, she gave up with a heavy sigh and pulled out a light stone from a bag. Her room was downtrodden. Cracks lined the walls as well as eerie green webs. Dust was still littering the nooks and crannies and a leak came down from the ceiling. It was her first night in Metru Nui. There was still a lot of work to be done. One day turned into two. Two days turned into a week. The week stepped aside for the next, which in turn slowly moved to make room for the week after that. As time moved forward, Macku slowly started to sleep more and more each night it seemed. There was still a lot of work to be done, but Macku was sure that the matoran would be able to restore the city to what it once was. After all, this had been her home once, even if everything was alien to her now. And besides, her friends were still here, in Metru Nui. The next day, it ended. Hahli wasn't found in her home. A small group of matoran set out to search for her. Eventually Turaga Nokama was notified. As it turned out, six matoran and Toa Takanuva had gone missing. The matoran gone were Jaller, Hahli, Nuparu, Matoro, Kongu… and Hewkii. He'd left without saying goodbye. Macku couldn't sleep that night. Tossing and turning in her bed, she finally gave up quietly. She took out a light stone from her bag and the room lit to show a cleaner room. There were still cracks on the walls and a few specks of dust in the corners, but Macku didn't pay her hard work much mind. Instead she found herself walking, and then running silently out of Ga-Metru. She didn't have a boat, but she still continued forward, faster and faster. She didn't know how much time had passed. All she could think was just to keep moving… keep moving away from Ga-Metru. Eventually she stopped. She was at Po-Metru. It was true; nothing had stopped Macku from making this trip. Thinking back to those times, when her friend was right next to her… To think those days could be over. To think those days were over… she couldn't take it. She collapsed on her knees, her arms holding her torso up. Macku began to shake, tears streaming from her eyes. She wished… she just wished that he could still be here… Her friend… If a universe ends, what is left? A hand rested on her shoulder. A jolt in her heart-light, she turned around to see a familiar lime green Rau. "Macku? Are you alright?" Tamaru, an old friend, appeared. His vertigo had proven to be too much of a hassle in Le-Metru, so he had been sent around the city doing various tasks on the ground. He tried to give a small smile to cheer her up. Macku wiped the area around her eyes and picked herself up. "I… I'll be alright… I'll be… alright." She said slowly as she regained her composure. Tamaru looked at her, his eyes concerned. After what seemed a long while, he gave Macku a small, understanding nod. He took a look around the city; the towers of Po-Metru reminded him of trees in the Le-Koro jungle. "Come on, the sun is rising. We'd better get to work." He said calmly. Macku gave a smile to her friend and nodded.
If A Universe Ends
Posted Nov 18 2011 - 11:58 PM
Posted Nov 19 2011 - 12:17 AM
My Library: The Esoteric Athenaeum
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Posted Nov 19 2011 - 08:27 AM
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Posted Nov 23 2011 - 11:43 AM
First off, this is a grammar error. You have two independent clauses here that are linked together without so much as a conjunction or a semicolon. It does not hinder the meaning of the sentence very much at all, but it's enough to peeve grammar nazis such as myself. In fact, it was almost trivial enough for me to ignore it, but then it popped up again in this sentence:
She had been gazing into the endless sands of Po-Wahi at sunset, the purple and pink hue was painted across the sky.
I can see what you were trying to do here, but you should have said dancing across her face. That would have made the second clause dependent on the first. As it is, they are both independent, and they are not linked together in any way shape or form. Once again, the meaning is not marred in any way, but it's a bit jarring for grammar aficionados like me.
"What do you mean?" The ga-matoran asked softly, a puzzled expression danced across her face.
This really befuddled me. If his words were unspoken, how could she hear them in her head? Does Hewkii have some telepathic abilities that we're unaware of?
On her way home, she could still hear his unspoken words in her head.
Now, this sentence is pretty well-structured, aside from the preposition. Instead of 'from,' it should really be 'of.' Or you could say 'Macku seemed frightened by such talk.' But 'from' isn't really an appropriate preposition to use in that situation. Once again, though, this is an error that would only peeve grammar fanatics.
Macku almost seemed afraid from such talk.
"The room lit"? I think you meant you meant to say that the 'lightstone lit up to reveal a cleaner room' or 'the room was lit up by the lightstone.' What you have is basically the equivalent of saying 'the carpet cleaned,' instead of saying 'the carpet was cleaned.' It's a little confusing to read.Beyond just the grammar errors, I was also a little underwhelmed by the main romance. I realize that this is a short story, so you don't have the time to develop characters like you could in a novella or an epic. But nevertheless, I never bought into the story emotionally because the characters never drew me in. Macku's emotional roller-coaster ride left me unperturbed because I really wasn't invested in her or Hewkii as characters. I never really got time to know them, and thus, the emotional part of the story fell flat for me.I was also a little miffed by the ending. I kind of see what you were going for: Macku is emotionally traumatized, but by the story's conclusion she gets a stiff upper lip and decides to plow onward for the sake of her people. It's a solid idea for a story's conclusion. My only problem is that it happens way too fast. We get a few paragraphs detailing Macku's emotional breakdown, then another couple where is basically like 'meh, ok, my boyfriend just left, probably forever, but I'm just gonna keep on rebuilding Ga-Metru and everything's going to be fine and dandy.' Then the story ends. I felt a bit like I was reading an outline of what happened, rather than a detailed account of what happened. It was too rushed to be believable.You have the makings of a great story here, but it just needs a little more life. Give us characters that we can invest and believe in, give us good plot and character development, and give us a satisfying conclusion.Now, for the parts I liked:No spelling errors! Not a single one!That's something to be proud of for sure. You also have a good way of describing things - I was always able to get a solid picture in my mind of what you were saying, which is a great way to immerse readers in your story. You also handled dialogue well. I did complain about the characters being flat, but that was not because of their dialogue. It was well-written and believable. Now if only there had been more of it to substantiate those characters.Now, for pros and cons.Cons:
She took out a light stone from her bag and the room lit to show a cleaner room.
- [*]A couple confusing sentences.[*]Lack of character development.[*]Rushed plot.[/list]Pros:
- [*]Good descriptions.[*]Solid dialogue.[*]Good story concept - just missed a little in execution.[/list]This could've been a great story, but as it stands, it's simply a Good one. Don't allow my review to get you down, though; you show tons of promise as a writer. Just keep on practicing and I'm sure you'll improve.
Also, just so you know, I'm judging this on the level of actual stories. Like, The Old Man and the Sea and House of Mirth. On BZP story levels, this is superb.
Posted Nov 23 2011 - 12:30 PM
Edited by Tekulo: Toa of Wind, Nov 23 2011 - 12:39 PM.
Posted Nov 23 2011 - 12:58 PM
Edited by TheMightyFighty, Nov 23 2011 - 01:00 PM.
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Posted Dec 05 2011 - 06:16 AM
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Posted Dec 06 2011 - 11:57 AM
Edited by Tekulo: Toa of Wind, Dec 06 2011 - 11:58 AM.
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