Zarohum Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) http://i1133.photobucket.com/albums/m587/Zarohum/shadowsoftomorrow.pngHere's a review topic for my epic, Shadows of Tomorrow.Questions, comments, criticism, and suggestions welcome! -Zar Edited November 22, 2011 by Black Six Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simulacrum Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Wow. That was great. You really showed a sense of mystery and emotions. I am undoubtably reading this story. Great job. 9/10. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zarohum Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 (edited) Chapter 2 is done, and I'm in the process of writing chapter 3. However, they're on my laptop, ad I don't have wifi. I have to wait until I go to my dad's house on the weekend.Wow. That was great. You really showed a sense of mystery and emotions. I am undoubtably reading this story. Great job. 9/10.Thanks for the review! :)And it's going to get better. Next chapter, Zarohum is gonna meet someone who was... forgotten. Revealing who it is will spoil what happened to Zarohum... a little. Edited November 22, 2011 by Zarohum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maganar Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I'm oing to have to follow this one; I like it. It is tricky to write from the point of view of an amnesiac, but you pulled it off. There are so many facts obvious to us that must be established to the character without boring the reader. Yet, with a touch of humor and a sense of mystery, you succeeded. I'll say more when I've seen more chapters.Oh yeah, and just one more thing. I'm not sure if the opening of Chapter 2 with the idealistic world of Zarohum's head was supposed to humorous or not. I don't think it was supposed to be. For some inexplicable reason, I found myself trying to fight back laughs as he described leaving his wolf behind. Maybe I'm just weird in the head... Quote Review Topic I AM OFFICIALLY BACK! After 18 months on hiatus, I have returned, but I have spent that time well. If you want to see how it was spent, click on the banner to start reading the result or click on the linky-link below to get further information off of the review topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zarohum Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 I'm oing to have to follow this one; I like it. It is tricky to write from the point of view of an amnesiac, but you pulled it off. There are so many facts obvious to us that must be established to the character without boring the reader. Yet, with a touch of humor and a sense of mystery, you succeeded. I'll say more when I've seen more chapters.Oh yeah, and just one more thing. I'm not sure if the opening of Chapter 2 with the idealistic world of Zarohum's head was supposed to humorous or not. I don't think it was supposed to be. For some inexplicable reason, I found myself trying to fight back laughs as he described leaving his wolf behind. Maybe I'm just weird in the head...It was supposed to be a little odd But... Everything in that vision came from somewhere. It wasn't all made up ;)Chapter 4 is done, but I have no way of getting it from my laptop to here for a while, and my laptop doesn't have internet. Thanks for reviewing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LewatheChickenNuggets Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) I got extremely bored from reading my genetics, so I randomly picked an epic from the forum. lol And yours are chosen. (gotta admit the banner caught my interest first that I decided to not return to the page before)As far as I went, the story in overall was nice. I somewhat felt that the beginning was kinda rushed however, and before being able to develop more on the amnesia side, we are heading for revelation a little too soon imo. This may just be a personal preference of writing style (or mine? lol) so I guess it ain't a big deal unless many agrees with me. I also felt that Zahorum develop trust on Varian too fast... Correct me if I m just weird, but since he is having problems recalling the past, shouldn't he be in insecurity and fear of the unknown? At least, tats wat I will be if I suddenly found myself awaken on the Great Wall of China.. *shrugs*Anyways, good luck with your work! I'll be checking out this epic constantly. Edited December 2, 2011 by LewatheChickenNuggets Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zarohum Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 I got extremely bored from reading my genetics, so I randomly picked an epic from the forum. lol And yours are chosen. (gotta admit the banner caught my interest first that I decided to not return to the page before)As far as I went, the story in overall was nice. I somewhat felt that the beginning was kinda rushed however, and before being able to develop more on the amnesia side, we are heading for revelation a little too soon imo. This may just be a personal preference of writing style (or mine? lol) so I guess it ain't a big deal unless many agrees with me. I also felt that Zahorum develop trust on Varian too fast... Correct me if I m just weird, but since he is having problems recalling the past, shouldn't he be in insecurity and fear of the unknown? At least, tats wat I will be if I suddenly found myself awaken on the Great Wall of China.. *shrugs*Anyways, good luck with your work! I'll be checking out this epic constantly. The revelation isn't gonna be completely... revealed until chapter 11. A little bit here and there, maybe, but the questions will soon have answers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LewatheChickenNuggets Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Great. That'll be keeping interest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zarohum Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 Chapters 4 and 5 posted. Not sure when I can get on the 'net on my laptop next, so I just uploaded everything that's done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maganar Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 So now we have a timeframe...It had made a conjecture earlier that the events of this epic took place after the collapse of the Matoran Universe. It seemed to make sense considering Varian was making contact outside the stasis tube. For one thing, that implied the stasis field was beginning to fail, and secondly, I'd presume the Dark Hunters would catch on and do something had they noticed this. But with Odina as rubble...it would make sense. Obviously, I was correct....and yet we still don't know precisely what happened to Zarohum prior to this. The memories leave off 95,000 years earlier. Maintaining the sense of mystery even now I see. I like where things are headed.Impressive writing once again. I'll keep reading as you put 'em up. Quote Review Topic I AM OFFICIALLY BACK! After 18 months on hiatus, I have returned, but I have spent that time well. If you want to see how it was spent, click on the banner to start reading the result or click on the linky-link below to get further information off of the review topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zarohum Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 (edited) So now we have a timeframe...It had made a conjecture earlier that the events of this epic took place after the collapse of the Matoran Universe. It seemed to make sense considering Varian was making contact outside the stasis tube. For one thing, that implied the stasis field was beginning to fail, and secondly, I'd presume the Dark Hunters would catch on and do something had they noticed this. But with Odina as rubble...it would make sense. Obviously, I was correct....and yet we still don't know precisely what happened to Zarohum prior to this. The memories leave off 95,000 years earlier. Maintaining the sense of mystery even now I see. I like where things are headed.Impressive writing once again. I'll keep reading as you put 'em up.I love keeping secrets about what happened to me Zarohum. :j Just wait. It's pretty awesome if I do say so myself.Thanks for reviewing... again. Edited December 5, 2011 by Zarohum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simulacrum Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Finally, a good epic to read! The whole idea of him having to remember his past bit by bit was really creative,and i'm excited to see Varian finally used in something. I'll be reading! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LewatheChickenNuggets Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Interesting. I see no point worth to criticize in these two chapters! Nice. I am particularly interested in this Makita though, can't wait to see how you'll portrait him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zarohum Posted December 7, 2011 Author Share Posted December 7, 2011 I really must say, it's taking me longer to get Zar out of the Matoran Universe than I planned.Thanks for reviewing, Nugget. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maganar Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I really must say, it's taking me longer to get Zar out of the Matoran Universe than I planned.Thanks for reviewing, Nugget.Hm...does that mean the end of the epic is taking longer to get to...or it's taking longer to get to the meaty part? ...Don't answer that. That'd be spoiling the plot as far as I'm concerned. Anyways, just throwing that out there. I smell a plot that seems straightforward, but deceptively continues on another tangent... Quote Review Topic I AM OFFICIALLY BACK! After 18 months on hiatus, I have returned, but I have spent that time well. If you want to see how it was spent, click on the banner to start reading the result or click on the linky-link below to get further information off of the review topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelsheen Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 Zarohum,You have a real jewel of an epic. Most of it is well written and has a sort of rapid, gasping pace; in a way, the story itself reflects how you Toa Zarohum feels. At times, the amnesiac sense isn't given enough development, but rushed seems to be your style, and you make it work. I'm assuming that as more memories are revealed, we'll get to see more of Zarohum's character and moral code, but I think you're letting his personality develop (or show up) at a good speed.Toa Varian is a character I always felt was over-explained in the beginning, then tossed aside by the Powers That Be (read GregF), but you've given her a fresh start, and some much-needed personality. She's impatient without being rude, corrective without being bossy, and gentle without being a pushover. She also brings the wit and humor that this story needs.Ah, Jorasha. I haven't seen much work on Makuta who held true to their purpose and refused to join The Makuta Teridax, (sorry, old habits die hard) but really I like your take on the pressures and turmoil facing such a Makuta. Why was he left behind when everyone fled the universe? What are his unique powers, and has the collapse of the world changed his morals? Questions are all I have for this character, as I haven't seem much of him... yet.You did have a sort of awkward spot with that little interlude in chapter IV, when you suddenly halted the story to add links to your MOCs. Don't get me wrong; your creations are unique and well done, but that section really belongs at the bottom of the chapter, not in the middle. It's pretty confusing.Great job so far, and I'll be awaiting further chapters. When you get your wi-fi back. -HH Quote Current Epic: Life is a Blank - last post Jan. 22 My Library: The Esoteric Athenaeum Member of the Epic Critics' Club Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zarohum Posted December 21, 2011 Author Share Posted December 21, 2011 Ah, Jorasha. I haven't seen much work on Makuta who held true to their purpose and refused to join The Makuta Teridax, (sorry, old habits die hard) but really I like your take on the pressures and turmoil facing such a Makuta. Why was he left behind when everyone fled the universe? What are his unique powers, and has the collapse of the world changed his morals? Questions are all I have for this character, as I haven't seem much of him... yet.You did have a sort of awkward spot with that little interlude in chapter IV, when you suddenly halted the story to add links to your MOCs. Don't get me wrong; your creations are unique and well done, but that section really belongs at the bottom of the chapter, not in the middle. It's pretty confusing.Great job so far, and I'll be awaiting further chapters. When you get your wi-fi back.Jorasha-Maybe he wasn't left behind. Maybe he's not in the main universe. Maybe he is, but he was well hidden by his Hagah team. :jYeah... that was a bad choice, but I thought people wouldn't see it at the bottom, and at the top it would spoil the chapter. I usually link to the MOCs when they're introduced, but since I didn't have the MOCs done yet, I decided to cut away from the story for a minute. Looking back, it seems stupid. I took pictures of them today, and I'll edit that when the pics are posted.Well, I have internet. It's just that I upload it at my dad's house. He has wi-fi.Thanks for reviewing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simulacrum Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 ...Thank You, Zarohum for adding even more suspense to your story. We really needed it. This epic is getting better and better every chapter, and I'm extremely excited to see how it all works out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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