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#1 Offline Zatth

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Posted Jun 22 2015 - 11:40 AM

Many experts generally agree on the theory of the multiverse. These sub-universes are generally known by the masses as ‘alternate universes’, ‘parallel universes’, or ‘Henderson Clyde[1]’. According to the multiverse theory, a timeline can bifurcate infinitely, meaning that if you wondered whether to eat that burger, in one universe you acted on your impulse and had a satisfying meal, and in another universe you didn’t and therefore caused the Fall of the Thirteenth Toa Empire. Speaking of which, shame on you. You should’ve known better. Was that burger REALLY worth it?

 

Anyhow, I digress. 

 

Our story takes place in a certain multiverse, where such a bifurcation creates a series of events that will force five (or more, or less) unique individuals to come together for the first time.

 

In this universe, at least.

 

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Chapter 1: Zatth

 

            As the final rays of sunlight began to cower behind the horizon, a boulder began to levitate, very slowly and almost imperceptibly, and wobbled uneasily to the left, as if the boulder were an Agori that had eaten Thornax Stew that had fermented and was disagreeing with the Agori’s system, making said Agori behave with moves that were anything but uncertain (not a particularly pleasant sight. Or smell, now that I think about it). Finally, when the boulder had uncovered enough of the cave mouth, it slowly touched the ground. A head began to peek out of the mountain cave, and as the neck craned to look upward, the owner sighed in relief at the lack of dangling feet.

            “Finally!” he said in an exasperated voice. “I was really scared that I’d be in that cave so long I wouldn’t be able to hear my voice again! That would’ve been a truly rocky situation!” Then he added, “okay, that was terrible,” and smiled.

Grabbing onto the top of the cave mountain, he heaved and huffed as he pushed himself upwards, climbing onto the top of the mountainside. Waiting for hours like this, even for someone like him, became boring after a while of total darkness with the occasional spectral apparition and shriek of a spontaneously combusting pebble. Granted, there’d been a section of the cave where various beings had been sitting, chained to the floor, and staring at shadows on a wall, and no matter how much he’d tried to tell the beings about what he’d seen in the outside world, but they did not believe a word of what he’d said was true. Then those beings went off about The Republic and some dialogues of some sort, so he’d left that section of the cave alone. Allegorically speaking, that is.

            Because of all the experiences in the cave, Zatth felt his senses were dulled enough to truly appreciate the show about to begin any second now. He sat down, laid his knapsack next to him, and began to gaze out at the last rays of sunlight.

            “Glad to know that things really went my way, what with there being no Skakdi anywhere to sabotage my last-minute vacation! And any moment now…”

            He’d only come to hear of the Dying Lights of Zakaz a few days ago, but he’d been in the general area earlier helping out a Toa Team in assistance, so he decided on a whim (as was his nature when matters of discovery were concerned) to leave the Toa Team hanging[2] and head to Zakaz for the show.

            And so he was here. Watching, hoping that his information wasn’t wrong, when suddenly… it happened. He couldn’t believe it. He actually started to cry. Which is kind of messy when you’re wearing a Kanohi, so no need to describe the sorry sight. And so, he watched through tear-filled eyeholes, hypnotized as the mountain miles away exploded, showering the night sky with rocks of all types of colors, flying in the air and crossing paths with each other, then falling back down in another shower of color. Zigzags of stardust flickered across the sky, blue lightning bolts appeared and disappeared, and a particularly aerodynamic stone was shooting across the sky, its red tai-
            Oh, um, apologies. That’s actually the Deus Ex Machina Red Star.

            “To think I was feeling blue[3]…” he whispered to himself, sad that no one else was there to hear him.

            And then, Zatth heard a grunt behind him. “That was terrible,” the voice said. And suddenly Zatth was grabbed from his shoulders, and catapulted into the air. Too shocked to react, he plummeted face first into the sand. And then the world went black.



[1] This name is, according to my research, only used by the denizens of Universe-212 Fahrenheit. Incidentally, this is the same boiling temperature of spaghetti. Probably explains why Universe-212 Fahrenheit is colloquially known as the Universe of Im'Pastas'

[2] Metaphorically speaking, that is. Zatth had only once left any beings literally hanging. He didn’t think those two Matoran, Nuparu and Kongu, would ever forgive him when he left them dangling over those mud crawlers.

[3] (Da ba dee, da ba daa)


Edited by Zatth, Jun 22 2015 - 11:41 AM.

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#2 Offline Zatth

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Posted Jun 23 2015 - 05:22 PM

Chapter 2: Sumiki

 

            He cradled the little antenna, shaped like a cat, in his palm, turning it over every few minutes. It was as if he didn’t believe it really existed.

            “I can’t believe it really exists,” he said. Sumiki smiled. There was a special type of beauty to this little mechanical thingamabob[1]. For starters, acquiring this thing had been an arduous and long process, which had only made it that much more appetizing. He’d started off by haggling the price with a merchant who would not take anything but thirteen widgets, plus tax compound interest. As soon as Sumiki had finished explaining the futility of applying interest of this sort to an object he was already about to sell, the vendor lost interest and tossed the thing hurtling down the edge of the rocky landscape, forcing Sumiki to swandive into The Best Night of Your Life[2], caving in three-sevenths of the ceiling and injuring two Skakdi, three Matoran, one Dark Hunter, and a walnut.

            Furthermore, this object (the mechanical doohickey, not the walnut), though minute and seemingly benign, harbored unimaginable potential for destruction, which meant it could only be placed in the hands of a Toa.

            Unfortunately, said Toa spent his free time lending his expertise of demolition and destruction to any who needed it.

            And so Sumiki continued to smile as his boat reached the tarnished dock. He got off, looked around for the place he’d been asked to set up the entire system, and began to make his way.

            After two hours of walking[3], Sumiki found the large field and realized just how much more fun it would be to bring a mythical natural occurrence into action. He quickly began connecting all of the rocks, big and Little, powerful and weak, into one collective set to fire as soon as he gave the signal. And it all came down to the antenna, which he’d hooked up to his favorite remote control, which was oddly shaped like a Great Pakari with lightning bolts coming out of it. Sumiki screwed the antenna in, and when he finally felt it connect with the inner wiring, he turned to look as the sun began falling. Not much waiting left, it seemed.

            “Not much waiting left, it seems,” he said.

            Finally, the last bits of the sky with any hue began turning entirely dark, and Sumiki smiled.

            “Three, two, one…”

            And as he pressed the button, he noticed only then how awfully close he was to a very small and very sharp pebble, which exploded and fired right through his leg, as pieces of patchwork he’d installed just last week went flying. Before the pain kicked in, Sumiki had a second to see the thing fly away.

            He was wrong. It wasn’t a pebble. It was the walnut.


 


[1] Of which he only had the one, and not the twenty that a certain member of the Sirena sirena species delights in boasting about in a song. You should know who I’m referring to, it IS part of your world, after all.

[2] The most popular fighting ring in all of Artidax

[3] With plenty of water breaks – stay hydrated, kids!


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#3 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Jun 23 2015 - 06:37 PM

Mysteriously powerful walnuts and Voriki references? Now things will really get interesting.


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#4 Offline Zatth

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Posted Jun 24 2015 - 04:56 PM

Chapter 3: Xaeraz

 

           The carriage weebled and wobbled, but didn’t fall down, as it passed over more of the rocky terrain.

           Though now that I think of it, no need for me to tell you it was rocky, right? I mean, if it’s wobbling, the logical progression from my narration and description should make it obvious thar there is some sort of obtrusive something on the ground that makes the terrain uneven, no?

           I’m overthinking it again, ain’t I? Fine, alright.

           The Skakdi warlord inside was peering out the curtains, afraid at every little jolt, every unplanned stop. The other occupant of the carriage was just scared that an ambush could blow part of him up, like, say, a guerilla attack by a deranged walnut violently passing through his leg.

            He knew that a simple punch, or a kick, or anything of the sort could really hurt him. It was more the unplanned large attacks, as well as sufficient damage in one hit, that could really make him fall apart. He looked down at his right arm, eyeing the large, serrated claw that emanated from his elbow. He looked at the little patches and pieces here and there that made him seem more like the remnants of a Piet Mondrain painting[1]. He let his head rest on the wooden wall, thinking about how this was the only bit of him that remained, and even then, his Pakari had special lenses in the eyeholes to cope with poor vision (said special lenses couldn’t come from just any Nynrah Ghost or Vortixx crafter; they wouldn’t have his brand, since he had special eyes[2]), also caused by the numerous exploits that had given him so much experience, and in return had taken away his original body, bit by bit. Yes, one could describe this figure as The Modern Frankenstein[3]

            “Why are you so peaceful?” the warlord asked Xaeraz, not doing anything to hide the fear in his voice. “Have you forgotten we could be attacked at any moment?!”

            “No, actually, I hadn’t,” Xareaz said. He was very well aware, in fact. It was the reason why he was here at the moment. He’d been hired six months ago by this specific warlord to serve as his immediate medic, since Xaeraz’s fame in impromptu repair, reconstruction, and maintenance of biomechanical bodies was known by heroes and villains alike.

            “Well, then you should be more concerned, or at least vigilant! Keep your eyes open.” Xaeraz grunted and opened his visor shutters, which gave him enough time to hear the loud explosion noise, see the warlord throw himself onto the floor as the carriage came to an unsteady halt, and allowed Xaeraz to sit up, begin powering up his saw in preparation of whatever was out there, and look out the window. Unfortunately, he’d opened up the shutters so much, he was almost immediately blinded by the enhanced intensity of the streaks of color in the horizon. After what felt like forever, he brought his hand off of his face, felt his eyes adjusted themselves well enough to the light and darkness, and finally got a good look. He could see a Skakdi throwing a green Toa in the air. Behind the Skakdi was a Toa in orange and dark blue armor. And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, another Toa popped up, crashing face first. Xaeraz took a bit of a closer look, because for a second he thought that Toa looked like…

            “Well, well, well. That’s a sight for sore eyes.”

            Opening the carriage’s door and disregarding his employer, Xaeraz ran towards this last Toa. Xaeraz was thinking decapixaetion was appropriate.


[1] Assuming, of course, that Piet Mondrain existed in this universe and had actually created some of his paintings so that this simile could be understood by the inhabitants of this universe. (I suppose this also presupposes the existence of museums, and I don’t believe that neoplasticism, nor museums of art, existed in this universe.)

[2] large hand and facial gestures HIS BRAND

[3] Coincidentally enough, this is the subtitle of the celebrated novel Prometheus; or, The Modern Frankenstein, which would later inspire two loose adaptations: Prometheus, and I, Frankenstein. No need to watch them. Really.


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#5 Offline Zatth

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Posted Jun 25 2015 - 07:27 PM

Chapter 4: Avohkah Tamer

 

            He was looking around, trying to figure out if there was any way he could actually escape. Any mountainside he could blast to stun his captor, any Rahi nearby that could come to his aid, any way to engage and use his Elemental Powers… unfortunately, he was out of luck[1].

            Granted, he kind of expected to have run out of luck because, based on how the past few days had gone, he must’ve used up any and all luck he had with him, and in reserve for the next few years. He’d hoped for luck when he’d overheard a conversation about how two Skakdi fishermen (or merpeople, Avohkah Tamer didn’t recall) had seen a new species of fish only spoken of in ancient tomes and legends. He’d hoped for luck all through the dangerous seafaring voyage to the shores of Zakaz so that the boat didn’t crash. He’d hoped for luck as he used his Kanohi of Rahi Control to enlist all the ocean-faring life in helping him to find the creature (from a distance, Aquaman groaned). He’d hoped for luck after he’d been captured by a Skakdi lieutenant. He’d hoped for luck when he told said Skakdi that he couldn’t be killed since he was the only Toa to have ever tamed an Avohkah. And now that there was no way to escape, he was hoping there was even a sliver bit of luck left so that an Avohkah was, in fact, at the end of the cliff side where Avohkah Tamer had told the Skakdi that he would show him how to tame one.

            He’d been making the plan up as he went along, and it looked like, finally, the tangled web of lies he’d woven[2], would come crashing down.

            “So, uh… hey, let’s talk about something while we’re walking over to the Avohkah!” he said, trying to stall for… whatever it was he could come up with.

            “Yes. Tell me again, Toa, the story of how you tamed an Avohkah.”

            “Oh, erm… well, that story… I mean, I’ve already told it many times. Let’s instead discuss something different, something that requires a lot of hard thinking and distracting, yeah? Like, uh…” Avohkah Tamer racked his brain to piece together some kind of sentence that made no sense but seemed logical and rational. “Like, imagine if someone built a building where the artistic expression of someone was placed on display!” It was at this moment Avohkah Tamer noticed what looked like a green Toa in the distance.

            The Skakdi looked at him with an air of incredulity, but then (to Avohkah Tamer’s luck) he furrowed his brow. “Yes… yes, I can see it now!” He actually stopped on his tracks to picture the hypothetical structure created for the sole purpose of staring at canvases painted on by other beings.

            “Oh. Well, in that case, let me leave you here to think about the question, while I begin to calm down the Avohkah,” he said, trying to sound as convincing as he could. Before the Skakdi could answer, Avohkah Tamer set off to the far end of the cliff, where he’d seen the previously mentioned Toa climbing up the cliff side. He was now sitting, looking out at the sky. Why would he be…

            BOOM! POW! KABLAM! The sky lit up as shards of rocks in various colors flew in the air.

            “HOLY INTERPLANETARY YARDSTICKS!” Avohkah Tamer shrieked.

            Then he heard approaching footsteps and saw his captor running towards him, forcing him to think on his feet.

            And so, as the Skakdi approached, Avohkah Tamer stuck his foot out, making the Skakdi trip, which in turn made him reach for any object or surface to stabilize himself, which ended up being Zatth’s shoulder, which sent Zatth soaring in the air, matching up with the arrival of another Toa who appeared to materialize next to Avohkah Tamer.

            “Looks like I might still have some luck left,” he smiled.[3]


[1] He was also out of his combination of berries, nuts, and a few edible roots, a mixture which he carried when going on long trips or journeys. A mix for a trail, if you will.

[2] When he first practised to deceive!

[3] In reality, he didn’t have any luck left, but had rather taken out a luck loan from the Intergalactic Luck Bank. Unfortunately for him, the current economic crisis, based in part on high tax compound interest and the current luck debt bubble, would mean that Avohkah Tamer would have to spend many years paying off his Toa debt.


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#6 Offline The 1st Shadow

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Posted Jun 26 2015 - 04:27 PM

Not sure exactly what this is, nor where it's going, but it proves to be amusing and intriguing, so I think I'll come back for future installments. :) Nice work, Zatth!


Edited by T1Shadow: The Artisan, Jun 26 2015 - 04:30 PM.

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#7 Offline Zatth

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Posted Jun 26 2015 - 05:41 PM

Chapter 5: Valendale

 

            Thud, crunch, splat. Thud, crunch, splat. Thud, crunch, splat.

            Valendale enjoyed tuning out the sounds of his loud footsteps and getting lost in his own thoughts. Granted, he then had to find his way out of them, but after he did he emerged quite happy.

            He’d learned long ago to tune out his loud footsteps. Same with his loud voice. And pain, in general.

            Okay, maybe that last one wasn’t too smart to tune out constantly.

            As if on queue, an arrow whizzed past his head, but being so deep within his thoughts, he mistook the arrow’s noise, making him think that it had only been bees[1] flying by. The second one, however, made a point.

            After Valendale noticed the arrow sticking out from his arm (by walking past a tree and hearing the clunk from his arm as it brushed with the bark of the tree), he pulled it out and turned to see a few Dark Hunters running across the treetops, grabbing onto vines, recording Vines, and preparing more arrows from their arrow-holding contraption, which Valendale couldn’t recall what they were called. Quivering, Valendale froze up.

            Then he noticed he’d let his mind wander and that’s why he froze up. He de-thawed himself, smiled, and pointed his double-sided Ice Axe at one of the trees. Focusing his ice energy, he concentrated so as to make a staircase-shaped sculpture so he could reach his would be attackers.

            It only took a second for the structure to be built, and in that time Valendale formed an attack plan. As soon as he felt the last crystal stick to the treetop, he began running up the staircase.

            He had a second to look up as Valendale noticed one of the Dark Hunters dropping from a tall branch, barely gripping the side of the ice railing.

            “Let it go!” Valendale screamed as he stepped on the Dark Hunter’s hand, forcing him to loosen his grip and plummet. Valendale continued running, and very quickly[2], until he reached the canopy of the trees. He had just enough time to notice one of the Dark Hunters opening up some kind of interdimensional portal, forcing the others to escape that way.

            Valendale smiled. “Oh no, you’re not allowed to leave yet!”

            Cutting off the ice bridge, he brought down his axe with one powerful swing onto the trunk of the tree he was standing on. As he felt it begin to fall, he readied himself. He timed the jump, until he knew the jump would send him as far as he needed. He jumped, and felt the air rushing by his mask as he aimed to fall inside the portal.

            And then another portal, no doubt created to send him elsewhere, appeared in front of the first one! Valendale was going too fast to stop, and so he readied himself for whatever might be at the other end of this one.

            As soon as his portal closed, the Dark Hunter, satisfied that they were all escaped and that the Toa was off their scent, entered his own portal, and let it close.

            The tree Valendale had cut down was plummeting quickly, and finally, when it hit the floor, it made a sound that can be described as Ftwphgannnng[3]


 


[1] BEES?

[2] But, like, not Usain Bolt quickly. ‘Cause he’s fast. I mean, have you SEEN his last name? Like, it’s right there! Speaking of Bolt, it’s funny that his last name is unrelated to the Disney movie ‘Bolt.’ You know, the one that featured John Travolta voicing the dog. Speaking of John Travolta, do you remember his ‘Adele Dazeem’ faux pas? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I feel sorry for the guy, but it was pretty funny when it happened, ha ha! At least he got a do over the next year. Speaking of do-overs, guess who’s got a chance for a last do-over in the sense of one last chance to beat their records? Usain Bolt! Yeah, he says he’s thinking of retiring after the 2017 World Championship, so this is the last chance he’ll have at a do-over. Speaking of Bolt, it’s funny that his n-

Oh, you’ve heard this one before?

[3] So that’s that question settled, then. You’re welcome, philosophy.


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#8 Offline Zatth

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Posted Jul 01 2015 - 07:41 PM

Chapter 6

 

            Yelling. Yelling and the deafening noise of the explosions. And then Zatth’s head flew upwards, noticing his surroundings.

            There was a Toa of Ice standing there, as a Toa with a large saw for an arm tried to attack the Toa of Ice, while a Toa clad in orange and dark blue armor tried to hold the Toa with the saw back. There was the Skakdi that had tossed him aside standing up, seemingly gearing up to attack the Toa in orange and dark blue armor, while another Skakdi from far away, apparently coming out of a carriage, came running and brandishing its weapon. From the field where the explosions were coming, Zatth could also see another figure running, the little speck becoming bigger and bigger.

            How had it all gone so wrong so fast?[1] One second he’d been looking at this wonderful marvel of nature, the next he was passed out, and suddenly he’d woken up in media res[2]! And yet, he had to try and get his bearings as fast as possible, because if he didn’t, Zatth knew he’d be in for a lot of unwarranted pain.

            Grabbing his Air Scythe, he used his dominion over air to somersault up to his feet. Okay, time to assess the situation. First, the three Toa embroiled in their little discussion. Zatth paid closer attention to their discussion.

            “… and he was so loud that our cover was blown almost instantly! They started firing on us, and I almost lost one of my good eyes in the ensuing firefight!” screamed Xaeraz. “By the time we were done, he was gone! I swore I’d get back at him if I ever found him!”

            “Yes, I saw,” said AT as he continued to restrain Xaeraz. Zatth finally saw a way in.

            “No, HE saws,” Zatth said as he pointed to the one with the saw. “YOU restrain, apparently.”

            The three stopped their arguing for a second to collectively groan. “That was terrible,” one of them articulated.

            “Now that that’s out of the way, how about we work together to rid ourselves of the two Skakdi bent on turning us into a pulp?” Zatth asked, stretching his hands and palms, with an exaggerated body stance.

            The one with the saw seemed hesitant, but finally he relaxed his stance, smiling and forcing the saw to slowly power up. “Yeah, might as well.”

            The Ice Toa and the one in the orange and blue armor nodded as well. “I’m on board with this plan. Mostly because I need to get rid of that one,” AT said as he pointed to the Skakdi that had thrown Zatth.

            “So it looks like we’re both holding a grudge,” Zatth said. Then he added, “well, technically I’m holding a scythe and you a fire staff but-“

            He didn’t have time to finish before the one with the saw slapped him.

            “Fine, fine, no more wordplay until this is over. Anyone want first dibs on who to take down?”

           


[1] In Zatth’s defense, it hadn’t gone wrong, nor right. It had gone left.

[2] Take a note, high school students. This’ll make a comeback in a future English class!


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#9 Offline Ghidora131

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Posted Jul 05 2015 - 04:34 PM

Wish I was here... :crying:

 

This has been entertaining so far. Keep it up!


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#10 Offline Zatth

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Posted Jul 08 2015 - 04:28 PM

Chapter 7

 

            No one moved. Finally, Avohkah Tamer turned to look at the other Toa next to him.

            “Is no one going to attack?” he asked.

            “Ooh, no, not today, “ Zatth replied. “I’ve got a, uh, doctor’s note and whatnot, something about a malnourished somethingsomething…”

            Avohkah Tamer huffed in frustration. He turned to look at Valendale. He stood there, unmoving. Avohkah Tamer assumed he was lost in his own thoughts, and had nothing to add.[1] He looked at Xaeraz.

            “What, you really think I’m gonna risk going out there just alongside you?” he asked incredulously. It was now that Avohkah Tamer turned to see that the figure who’d been running from where the explosions began was approaching them.

            “What is THAT?!” asked Avohkah Tamer as he looked at the rapidly approaching figure. Finally close enough to be described internally by the point-of-view character for this chapter, he noticed that he was clad in iron-like armor. He was also carrying a controller that looked like a purple Pakari with lightning bolts emanating from it. Shocking.

            “Well,” answered Zatth, “that is a function word used in the English language for several grammatical purposes, including but not limited to-“

            Slap.

            “What? He wasn’t here when we made the rule about banning wordplay until the battle is over!”

            “Yes, but your joke was terrible,” answered AT. He nodded at Xaeraz, silently thanking him for putting an end to Zatth’s silliness. Finally, the one with the controller reached our heroes.

            “Hi there, Sumiki, pleasure to make all of your acquaintance[2].” He pointed at the rapidly approaching Skakdi, who, for some reason (most likely related to story pacing and narration) had not yet reached our heroes. “Anyone going to fight them?”

            AT smiled. “Finally, someone is thinking things rationally!”

            Sumiki chuckled. “Oh no, I wasn’t volunteering. I was just asking why no one had attacked yet.” AT’s head dropped in disappointment.

            “We could do a raffle, pick out whoever has to fight them from a hat,” Zatth added. Sumiki’s face lit up at the mention of hats.

            “Or maybe we could ALL fight the approaching Skakdi?!” yelled AT.

            “Wait.” They all turned to look at Xaeraz, who seemed to be pondering something. Finally, he had a lightbulb moment. “I have a plan! What it, we ALL fight the approaching Skakdi?!”

            “Yes! Brilliant plan!” Zatth said, as Sumiki patted Xaeraz on the back and Valendale nodded in agreeance. Avohkah Tamer kicked a boulder, seething with anger.

            And so, our heroes readied their weapons, and prepared themselves to take on the two coming Skakdi.

            For realsies, this time.

             


[1] Unbeknownst to our heroes, Valendale was in fact currently mulling over the latest calculations he’d conceived of for creating cold fusion.

[2] Sumiki wasn’t just glad to meet the rest of our heroes; aside from being a demolition expert and a Forbes 500 CEO from Hat Enterprises, on the side he made All Of Your Acquaintance, a self-help guide on how to fit in, have everybody like you, and always be happy. Now you know where Emmett’s copy came from.


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#11 Offline Zatth

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Posted Jul 15 2015 - 12:02 AM

Chapter 8

 

            "My name is Xaeraz. My world is fire, and blood. In this wasteland, I am the one who is hunted by both the living and the dead. Reduced to a single instinct: Slap."

            As Xaeraz’s employer went flying in the air, courtesy of Xaeraz’s palm, Sumiki took a second to turn to him, and asked him what in the name of Billy Shears he was talking about.

            “What in the name of Billy Shears are you talkink about?” he asked.

            Xaeraz muttered something that sounded like “I dunno”[1]. Then he did a small little dance of some sort, most likely triggered by someone’s mention of a name but not a story, perchance in the footnotes of a certain chronicle of some sort.

            Meanwhile, Zatth and Avohkah Tamer hid behind a rock with a surprising amount of space for cover.

            “Okay,” Avohkah Tamer huffed, “Here’s the plan?”

            “Can we talk about that for a second,” asked Zatth. “Who ever just says ‘Here’s the plan’, or ‘What’s the plan’?!”

            Avohkah Tamer shook him, yelling “This is no time for trivialities, we are going to die if we don’t act!”

            “Trivialities? This is of utmost importance! I mean, think about it, people usually juts blurt out the plan, they don’t announce they are going to announce the plan, that’s just tautological, redundant, pleonastic-“

            Avohkah Tamer looked at Zatth with the rage of a thousand burning suns. If looks could kill…[2] Finally, he just snatched Zatth’s scythe and handed it to him, while he grabbed his own bladed fire staff.

            “Just fire at the enemies,” he said, as he ran out of cover and towards the Piraka.

            “But I thought you were the one with fire powers!” Zatth yelled.

            “That was terrible!” AT yelled back.

            However, no sooner had AT come out of hiding, at the same time that Xaeraz and Sumiki were powering their own weapons respectively, that they were propelled back by a powerful blast. When his head cleared, AT noticed the two Piraka had disappeared, save their clawed feet which were still anchored to the floor. In front of him stood Valendale, who was glowing but seemed to be turning less bright.

            He turned and smiled at AT. “They never realized the one ingredient needed to make cold fusion work,” he said. “Ice.”

            Suddenly, a portal, much like the one Valendale had used to get to Zakaz, materialized. Out of it, a figure emerged. The Toa readied their weapons, and Zatth prepared a terrible pun.

            Clothed in some strange sort of unmoving fabric in various shades of blue and grey, and cloaked in a… well, in a cloak, the figure appeared and looked at the Toa.

            Come to think of it, he didn’t really stop looking. Or move his mouth, really. And yet, all of the Toa could hear his voice.

            I am so happy that we can finally meet, the voice said[3]

 


[1] Though I admit he could just as well have been saying “Thigh chateau”, or “ Why Bordeaux”, or “Sly Thoreau”, I know his name, but not his story.

[2] Too bad he wasn’t a Piraka.

[3] Or whispered, or thought, or the Toa thought… Look, I’m new to narrating telepathy, what do you want from me?!


Edited by Zatth, Jul 15 2015 - 12:02 AM.

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#12 Offline Zatth

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Posted Aug 09 2015 - 10:53 PM

Chapter 9

            So very sorry about that delay in the next chapter, I do hope you weren’t left on the edge of your seat in suspense[1]. You’d be shocked at how much harder it becomes to research specific aspects of Team Farm Animals’ exploits, especially when their universe seems to be lacking in some sort of centralized hub for information and record-keeping.

           Granted, I also had to take care of some little things. You know, saving a world about to be destroyed by a walnut bent on the destruction of all macadamia nuts, categorizing the various species in the Teletubbies world through binomial nomenclature[2], the usual.

           What’s that?

           You don’t save universes on a regular basis while researching and writing the chronicles of a ragtag group of unlikely heroes.

           I’m so sorry.

           How dull it must be to be you.

           Anyways, enough about me. Back to the story you want to resume.

           “Who are you?” asked Zatth.

           “Who are you?” asked Sumiki.

           Who are you?” attempted to ask Xaeraz, but failed because an emphasis on the ‘who’ doesn’t really accomplish much when it comes to obtaining new information.

           I am someone who has wanted to meet you for quite a while, the being replied. His piercing eyes kept looking straight at the Toa. For you Toa are destined to go on a great mission, to come together as a team and fulfill exploits that will go down in history!

           Zatth suddenly became very interested. The chance to go down in history? He looked at the other Toa. They seemed more hesitant.

           “What are you?” asked Avohkah Tamer. He didn’t seem too convinced.

           I am a being similar to you all, but different in other regards, the being replied.

           “Do you wear a mask?” asked Valendale, pointing at his face.

Yes. It is the Kanohi Botox.

           “Ooh! Sounds fancy!”[3] said Zatth as he jotted down the mask’s name.

           Anyways, enough about me, the being continued. I am here to guide you all towards your first proper adventure. One that will involve the skills you each possess, all mounting up to a great reward and a great power. But I cannot say more until you all agree to participate.

           “That seems kind of unfair, doesn’t it?” asked Sumiki, in perhaps one of the few shards of logical thinking in this entire litany of silliness.

           
            Mayyyyyybe.

           The Toa looked at the strange being. He had made a dramatic entrance, and was now promising brilliant rewards. But they understood it had to be a decision made by all of them, not just by one. They retired to discuss their options.

           Finally, they came to an agreement. They sent Avohkah Tamer as their representative to deliver the final verdict.

           Have you chosen? Asked the being.

           Avohkah Tamer stared at him, fighting past the urge to turn away from the unblinking stare. He stared and stared, his face almost as unmoving as the Kanohi Botox. And finally, after what felt like enough of a dramatic pause, his eyes widened, his grin grew grotesquely, and in an oddly cheerful voice he said “SURE!”

           And somewhere, Sumiki’s Dad lost it.


[1] Though if you were, kudos on such a balancing act! Maintaining that precarious position for three weeks? Such dexterity, very impressive, much wow!

[2] The living baby sun and the Noo-noo were especially difficult to categorize. You can find the results of my research in my new book, Fantastic Beasts And What To Name Them or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Biological Taxonomy

[3] And it was. It was supposed to go in a Mask Pack, but at the last second was vetoed by those who made masks. It was replaced by the Kanohi Elda. That year seemed to revolve around strange features on a face, it seems.


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#13 Offline Zatth

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Posted Aug 15 2015 - 12:56 PM

Chapter 10

 

            Avohkah Tamer crept behind another building. His eyes darted across the vast open space around him, and only when he was fully certain that there was no danger did he give his guide the go-ahead to join him. Normally, Avohkah Tamer wasn’t too glad to have to work with a member of the Hand of Karzahni, but if he wanted to get in and out of the island of Visorak alive and with the package he had to secure, he basically needed to cover all of his bases.

            So here he was with the one member of the Hand native to Visorak. Tobduk.

            If you’ve never met Tobduk, you aren’t missing out on much. If you haven’t fought alongside Tobduk, count yourself lucky. It’s oftentimes much more effective to fight alongside a giant marshmallow man, or a paranoid android, or even an arthritic goat[1]. The reason why it is so unlucky to have Tobduk as a battle companion, is that he happens to feed off of the confusion of those around him. And since most have a basic understanding of battle plans, or at least a basic level of making things up-iness, this renders Tobduk utterly useless.

            Except today.

            “Over by that cliff,” he pointed at a large cliff that looked like an animal’s face. Not one AT could name, however; this creature seemed to have an elongated snout and ever open eyes. Quite odd.

            “Where by the cliff? I can’t see anything matching the description of the package,” replied AT as he looked out at the mountain once again.
            Almost imperceptibly, Tobduk felt himself become physically stronger.
            “No, not by the cliff. IN the cliff,” he explained to AT as he pointed at the snout of the animal’s face. Now AT could see the slight variations in the stone, the different arrays of colours and sediment types, that worked together to make the face jutting out of the stone.

            “Oh, I see it now!” AT exclaimed as he motioned to Tobduk to follow him. “It’s the part of the sculpture that’s…” AT paused for a second, then remembered he was in the middle of a hostile island, and so resumed the walk. “I don’t think I have a name for the color of the stones by where you’re pointing”

            “I guess I don’t either,” added Tobduk. He helped AT cross by some crumbled debris, while also paying closer attention to the stone.

            “It looks like a cross between yellow and orange,” said AT as he began to formulate a plan for how to blast the rocks away and reveal the package.

            “So… like yorange?”[2]

            AT stopped once again. “What?”

            “Yorange. The color I just made up to describe the stone’s hue”

            “I… I don’t… I can’t… I… I just…” AT struggled to find the right way to explain that no, this word couldn’t be, because one couldn’t just make up a word by mixing two other words together. But before he could explain this, AT heard a loud clattering, and upon turning to face the noise, saw an onslaught of Visorak spiders heading their way.


[1] You should actually try out this last one: oh what fun that battle was! Especially the potential for puns. My personal favourite from that evening: “Goat any last words?” Ha ha! (The only downside is the need to feed them salt from sideways mountains. They DO covet that nutrient)

[2] Or, to us, Keetorange


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#14 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Aug 16 2015 - 08:54 PM

In order to defeat the Visorak, Avohkah Tamer needs to git gud


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#15 Offline Zatth

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Posted Aug 23 2015 - 09:31 PM

Chapter 11

 

            Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. Unfortunately, I must point out two things:

            The first, is that since the concept of normalcy is only a very recent phenomenon, and furthermore, no one truly is normal since everyone is, relatively speaking, unique, the above thought from the Dursleys, while quite understandable and quaint, is very wrong.

            The second is that this is not the story of the Dursleys, though I am sure you can scour the Internet for a while and find quite a lot of stories from the point of view of those two.

            No, this is the chapter of Pablo, The Understood, King of the Walnuts, The Awful Faces, and of the First Puns, Breaker of Ch-

            Sorry, got my notes mixed up again. My, oh my! You’d think I have a better grasp of what subject to discuss in every chapter and every book![1]

            No, this is the chapter on Zatth.

            Zatth of number four, Kikinalo Drive, was very proud to say that he was perfectly silly, thank you very much. Granted, his hold on reality wasn’t always the most solid[2], but it oftentimes allowed him rare moments of brilliance so utterly odd, that he had to congratulate himself when they happened.

            Getting involved in the Punic Wars was one of those moments.

            For just as Zatth had been commandeered to do, he sailed out to one of the Southern Island chains to find what he was sent to retrieve, only to disembark and see two large armies amassing.

            “How odd,” Zatth said as he disembarked. “Woof. Also, how strange that all of those armies seem to be getting ready to fight but there are no weapons!”

            A head popped up from behind a rock. “Well, that’s because you’re witnessing the final battle of the Punic Wars,” the head said while pointing towards the open field.

            “Wait, how can you point if you’re just a head?” asked Zatth.

            Ah, sorry. Almost forgot. Ahem,

            The figure walked from behind the rock, showing[3] that he was a full body, and not just a floating head. Because if he was only a head, that would, truly, be 3spooky5u.

            “Oh, that makes more sense!” Zatth added. “At least you stayed ahead of my next question!”

            But oddly enough, the figure didn’t admonish Zatth, saying ‘That was terrible’ and smacking him[4], but instead paused in his step and turned to look at Zatth with a look of gratitude.

            “You… you made a pun just out of the blue? Just like that?”

            “What, like it’s hard?” asked Zatth.

            The figure looked at Zatth, and then fell on his knees, as his voice faltered. Then, he stood up.

            “Sorry, I… I just had to compose myself-”

            Before, he could continue, Zatth interrupted. “So where’s the treble clef and the musical notation?”

            Beat.

            “You might just be able to end this war once and for all,” the figure said, hugging Zatth and crying tears of joy.


[1] Duly noted.

[2] In fairness, there is no hold on reality at all in this series because first, we deal with many realities, and second, because you can’t hold reality. I’m sorry, but that’s the reality.

[3] And correcting the mistake in narration

[4] No, the figure didn’t, but I will.

“That was terrible,” the narrator said as he imagined himself smacking Zatth for the pun/


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#16 Offline Zatth

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Posted Aug 30 2015 - 10:53 PM

Chapter 12           

 

           Sumiki found the Turaga easily enough. Only a few miles away from where Team Farm Animals had split up, Sumiki kept going in the direction he was told to until he saw a hovel with some pots and pans hanging outside, as a fire burned inside.

            “I see a hovel with some pots and pans hanging outside, and a fire burning inside,” Sumiki said. “That’s probably not on par with fire safety regulations.”

            “What’s that about rules?!” screeched the Turaga, jumping out from behind a rock. For a second, Sumiki was startled. Then, looking at the rock, he deduced the Turaga had been waiting for him.

            “Have you been waiting for me?” Sumiki asked. “Or is this just a pre-prepared dramatic entrance upon which you wait behind that rock until some traveller passes by?”

            Defeated, the Turaga nodded.

            “Well, whatever,” Sumiki continued. After all, he needed the Turaga’s help. “I need your help. I’m supposed to go on a quest and-“

            “Yes!” the Turaga yelled. Sumiki stopped and stared at the Turaga. How rude!

            “How ru-“

            “Yes, it’s rude!” the Turaga yelled again.

            Sumiki stopped. He waited, eyeing the Turaga, who just stared back.

            “Any-“

            “The quest?!”

            Sumiki opened his mouth as the Turaga did too, and then closed it.

            “Aha! You’ve just been trying to interrupt me!”

            “Well, at least it was fun,” the Turaga grumbled. “But the quest! You must go to the island of the stone, where rocks, boulders, and mountains abound. There, vanquish one of each, and then you will find what you seek!”

            Sumiki flashed back to the boulder explosion on Zakaz and the pebble[1] that tore through his leg. But then he envisioned it differently. Maybe this didn’t have to be a repeat of history. Maybe…

            “This can be my chance at revenge upon pebbles[2]!”

            “BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE!” the Turaga yelled at Sumiki.

            He waited. Nothing.

            “Are y-“

            “You must bring something else with you!”

            “Is it walnuts?”

            “Wha- no, no,” the Turaga replied, not understanding why Sumiki would offer such a silly suggestion substituting something sensible.

            Sumiki sighed. “Fine then, what is it?”

            “THIS!” the Turaga yelled as he brought out his palm.

            It was closed. “It’s closed,” Sumiki said. “Are you going to open it?”

            
            “Mayyyyyybe.”

            For some reason, Sumiki felt a nagging presence in the back of his head telling him that this was a bad idea. Something about the deal seemed off to him, but he couldn’t seem to put his finger on it.

            Probably because the Turaga’s palm was still closed and so Sumiki couldn’t touch whatever the thing was.

            “Well, are you going to open it?!” Sumiki finally asked, wishing he could just head out somewhere nicer, like debating the fine points of colours at the island of Visorak.

            “BEHOLD!” the Turaga yelled.

            In his open palm sat a cylindrical something. It was squishy, with odd colours and an even stranger smell. But Sumiki’s worst fears were confirmed.

            “My worst fears are confirmed!” he yelled as he eyed the thing in the Turaga’s palm.

            For it was a sushi roll.

 

 


[1] walnut

[2] walnuts


Edited by Zatth, Aug 30 2015 - 10:54 PM.

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#17 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Aug 31 2015 - 12:10 AM

            “BEHOLD!” the Turaga yelled.
            In his open palm sat a cylindrical something. It was squishy, with odd colours and an even stranger smell. But Sumiki’s worst fears were confirmed.
            “My worst fears are confirmed!” he yelled as he eyed the thing in the Turaga’s palm.
            For it was a sushi roll.

 

#sushiboy2015confirmed


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#18 Offline Zatth

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Posted Sep 06 2015 - 05:58 PM

Chapter 13

            If one were to, say, have the possibility to become an aerial camera, endowed with omniscient powers, one would probably be the narrator of this story[1]. One would also probably be able to steer that camera until it fell upo-
            No, not there! Come on, work with me here, reader.

            Yes. Yes, that’s right. Move the camera away from that future plot point. We’re not there yet, and there’s no peeking.

            Now look over there.
            Over there!
            What do you mean you can’t see where I’m pointing?! It’s extremely obvio-
            Oh, pardon me! I’ve forgotten once again the metaphysical barriers that separate us. Dear, dear me.
            Alright then, let me paint the picture for your camera to train itself.

            If one were to have the ability to become an aerial camera, one would find itself trained upon a little dinghy plowing across the sea, the sole passenger/crew member/slap connoisseur standing across the poop deck, which really wasn’t very smart when it came to navigating.

            Ha ha.

            I said deck.

           Standing across the poop deck was Xaeraz, and if one’s aerial camera were still working[2], one would see Xaeraz wistfully staring off into the distance, head unmoving as it stared triumphantly into the horizon. One would be inclined to believe that Xaeraz was deep in thought about a very important and thought-provoking matter, like where exactly he’d find what he was sent to retrieve, or what Homeworld really thought about fusions, or if the smell of pork rinds was truly that despicable.

           In fact, Xaeraz was simply quiet because he needed to hear his mask, not moving his head because he needed as much stillness as possible, and stared of heroically into the distance because it was the best angle to catch the rays of light for him to keep fine tuning his visors.

           “Hrmph,” Xaeraz muttered as he kept finagling with the visors, though the noise sounded more like Richard Nixon than a Toa resigned to wearing a mask that was a true eye sore. Soon, however, he saw that no longer did his elf eyes only see sea, no longer were they watching watches[3], but now spotted an island.

           “There it is. Artidax.” And for once, Xaeraz allowed himself to smile. Perhaps this wouldn’t be too bad after all?

           No sooner had he entertained this thought[4], however, that he felt a deep rumbling coming from the island. Suddenly, a volcano erupted in lava,

           Though, now that I think about it, nothing else really is supposed to erupt from a volcano. It probably would’ve been more judicious on my part to write “a volcano erupted”, but alas, I have typed the words, and computers don’t have any kind of tool to correct your mistaks, so you justhave to roll with them.

           Anywho, a volcano erupted, and through the fire and flames appeared a shadowy figure, illuminated by the glow of the lava. Xaeraz tried to zoom in to see who it was, but this wasn’t really necessary, as the figure made its presence known very soon.

           “MY NAME IS NAPOLEON BLOWNAPART. YOU KEELED MY CAREER. PREPARE TO DIE.”


 


[1] Luckily for you all, I am not one, but three young children in a trenchcoat.

[2] which can only be assured if you bought it with the three year warranty

[3] (due in part to The Persistence of Memory making a cameo appearance in out heroes’ universe)

[4] by offering it biscuits and tea, then holding a conversation with it, and finally playing a round of Kanye, Dril, Hamlet, or Izaak


Edited by Zatth, Sep 07 2015 - 06:51 AM.

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#19 Offline Xaeraz

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Posted Sep 06 2015 - 07:08 PM

When you'd mentioned this little [EXPUNGED FOR SPOILERS] would be showing up in this, I wasn't expecting him so soon or so theatrically.

 

ALSO YES HI HELLO i have been reading this but unable to comment without feeling spammy UNTIL NOW


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All are not the same

But three shall be as one

Freedom in the flame

The end has just begun


#20 Offline Rahkshi Guurahk

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Posted Sep 06 2015 - 08:05 PM

When you'd mentioned this little [EXPUNGED FOR SPOILERS] would be showing up in this, I wasn't expecting him so soon or so theatrically.

 

ALSO YES HI HELLO i have been reading this but unable to comment without feeling spammy UNTIL NOW

I don't think we can mention this story without at least acknowledging the can of spam over there.


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-Rahkshi Guurahk
GENERATION 3: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
If I actually tried putting all the stuff I like on here, the sig would burst.

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#21 Offline Zatth

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Posted Sep 20 2015 - 05:38 PM

Chapter 14

            Valendale’s task was, oddly enough, quite simple. If his other companions had found out what he had to do, they most likely would have revolted. Perhaps they would’ve organized a demonstration spanning the entire (known) universe, demanding more seriousness in plot points and heroic destinies; I imagine Lewa would’ve protested always being put under the control of other beings, Mata Nui and Toa Ignika would’ve fought it out over who was the greatest hero, and Nick Bluetooth would’ve asked for everyone else to take Galidor seriously.
            Valendale’s task entailed crossing to the other side of Zakaz.
            This wasn’t even a perilous journey, necessitating travel along fault lines of the island. It did not entail traversing the war path of bloodthirsty warlords.
            Valendale found himself crossing across a road paved out of yellow bricks. Shockingly, Valendale could only see a few footsteps, leading him to believe that no one had thought to go down this path
[1].
            Valendale went down the path.
            Very soon, Valendale came upon beautiful green towers jutting in the distance.  The sun glistened off of them, and made the entire radius around him appear shimmering, submerged in a sea of green.
            “Why isn’t it made of ice?” Valendale asked himself, visibly annoyed. He walked up to the pillar closest to the path, and knocked on it to see if anyone answered.
            Nothing.

            Then he noticed a strange crevice from the side of one of the columns. Valendale looked left. Then right. Then, certain no one was watching, fully took to the crevice, digging his finger inside. Immediately, the crevice opened up to reveal a panel and a keyboard. Wasting no time, Valendale got to typing away.

            “I’m in,” he said in a voice befitting that of those who start clacking away at a keyboard to make it seem as if they have gained some sort of entry point into a mainframe of some sort.[2] As soon as Valendale was done typing, the panel closed off again. For a second, he wondered if he’d hacked into the mainframes, and zoomed and enhanced all of the pictures. For a second, he wondered if it would all be fixed by turning it off and then on again. Then he realized that was a silly solution, that never worked.
            And then, he felt a slight rumble. He wondered whether he had forgotten to eat. He wondered whether his journey would, in fact, have some sort of real obstacle for him to overcome. And just as he began to think about these ideas more seriously, he noticed the giant emerald towers were vibrating, then rising up, and then flying into outer space, propulsion engines propelling them from the ground.

            For Valendale, the now expansive plain meant he kept walking. For the millions of dormant proto-life beings within the structures, the violent propulsion, coupled with Valendale’s typing (which, in the end, had been various headcannons for characters, powers, and storylines he hoped to one day put on paper), would force the dormant life to slowly evolve, eventually settling upon the planet we now know as Homeworld[1].


[1] In case you were wondering, the footsteps belonged to Dorothy Gail and her crew, as well as Robert Frost, for when he spoke of the road less travelled by, he meant to call the road yellow, but instead called the woods yellow. In fact, the Yellow Woods exist only in Universe 212-Fahrenheit.

[2] Of course, Valendale didn’t have the faintest idea of what to type, but then again, neither do movie stars. I mean, zoom and enhance? Talk about suspension of disbelief!

[1] Which would later lead us to Steven Universe.

By Rebecca Sugar Valendale.


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