Posted Nov 22 2011 - 11:03 PM
Solaris: Electric Sentinel: Fluidic Master Nuva. It's... ALL ADJECTIVES!
Posted Nov 25 2011 - 09:45 AM
The Le-Matoran said his name was Grep, the Ta-Matoran was Olmer, and the Ga-Matoran was named Frithiel. Solaris introduced himself and Plia.
These introductions to the characters, while they do the job, it wouldn't have hurt to have a bit more description, because when the names popped up again in the story, I found myself having to go back and look for those descriptions to keep from getting them all confused.I'm finding more and more within this Bionicle fandom, that authors, including yourself, are really good at coming up with original names for OC's. But the Turaga of Stone's name, Aweno, made me chuckle. Onewa backwards, am I right? I've seen it in another fanfic. Anyways, Plia, your pretty Matoran of Psionics, for the majority of her role in the story, has been kind of resisting Solaris' advances (by the way, your little dashes of romance are cute). But for her to out of the blue say "Well, I guess a vacation is a good time to get to know you better" is a bit abrupt. Supplying readers with more of her thoughtline leading up to that decision might not be a bad idea. Now, addressing your switching of perspectives throughout your chapters. Your switches between Po-Henge/Ko-Henge/Le-Henge etc, are very clearly marked in your story.
Utrop the Po-Matoran was deep in conversation with Etriak the Onu-Matoran about the rock business, and vacations.
Good job on those. Do you RP, becasue that's kind of what it reminds me of. But anyways, there was this one sentence in your narration, somewhere in chapter 2, that really threw me.
PO-HENGE DESERT MATA REKIMHe looked at the small village in the desert. It wasn’t much, but it was the only northern entrance to the island. But what a desert! He walked through the sand, looking at the henge, just a hundred feet away. The people would accept him, even if his coming was marked by the stars of evil. He would make them accept him.PO-HENGE TOWN SQUARE MATA REKIMUtrop the Po-Matoran was deep in conversation with Etriak the Onu-Matoran about the rock business, and vacations.
Your entire epic, thus far, has been told in a sort of omniscient third person point of view, where you as the narrator has been distant from the characters, plot, setting, etc. But to suddenly close that distance between narrator and story by throwing that "I should explain" in there, it kind of disrupts the story.
I should explain that on the island of Mata Rekim, a Strider is much like a small Vahki transport, only more streamlined and aerodynamic, with faster-moving legs for maximum speed.
IMO, revising the sentence to read something like that would make the narration a bit smoother.Okay, well overall, I like what you have so far. You definitely have room to develop your characters some more, so I'm looking forwards to see how all of this unfolds. The building suspense with this mysterious, super tall being with malicious plans is a nice touch. Best of luck, and keep up the good work!
A Strider is much like a small Vahki transport, only more streamlined and aerodynamic, with faster-moving legs for maximum speed.
The Whip Hand
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