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Toru Nui

BIONICLE 2001 Abridged

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DISCLAIMER:

 

The following is a non-profit fan-based parody (but you knew that) BIONICLE is owned by the LEGO Group. Some ELEMENTS will be changed. This is not meant to be an accurate portrayal. We will take no attempt to MASK the fact we are disregarding official canon. Please support the official release. (BUY MOAR LEGO)

 

Prologue:

 

“Gathered friends, listen again to our legend of the BIONICLE.”

 

“We’re not exactly friends Vakama, I just work with you. Temporarily.”

 

What do you mean by that Onewa?

 

“Whenua, don't ask the idiot questions. Anyway, in the time before time, the Great Spirit descended from the heavens. Carrying we, the ones called the Matoran to this paradise."

 

“Carrying us.”

 

“What?”

 

“Carrying US, is the correct expression.”

 

“Who’s telling the story here Nokama?”

 

“Twit-too-woo. Twit-too-woo.”

 

“Great, does anyone understand what Nuju is saying?”

 

“Yes he said: Vakama I love you marry me."

 

CHIRP?!

 

“Oh ha ha very funny ho ho very droll. We were separate, and without purpose. So the Great Spirit illuminated us with the three virtues: Unity, Duty and Destiny.”

 

“That sounds more and more corny every time you say it.”

 

“ZZZ… Corn? Where?”

 

“Matau, have you been asleep the whole time?”

 

“Depends, a long is a hole?”

 

“As long as a piece of string, my intellectually challenged friend.”

 

“Matau, with every breathing moment you make me regret my decision NOT to kill you. Anyhoo-“

 

“Anyhow.”

 

“SHUT UP! Anyhoo-and I will say it anyway I like-we embraced these gifts, and in gratitude we named our island home Mata Nui, after the Great Spirit himself. But our happiness was not to last.

 

For Mata Nui’s brother, the Makuta, was jealous of these honours and betrayed him. Casting a spell over Mata Nui who fell into a deep slumber.

 

The Makuta was free to unleash his shadows. And unleash them he did.”

 

“DUN-DUN-DUN!”

 

“MATAU!”

 

WELCOME TO MATA NUI

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 1: Flammability 101

 

“Is the trap ready?” asked Jaller.

 

“It’s been ready for the past half an hour sir.”

 

“Are you sure it’s big enough Nuhrii?”

 

“This thing’s big enough to catch a Nui-Jaga. It’s fine Kapura.”

 

“That’s what you said last time.”

 

“Well how was I supposed to know that straw is flammable?”

 

“Hush, here comes one!”

 

Jaller, Kapura and Nuhrii hid behind a log. They were members of the Ta-Koro Guard. Their job was to protect their village from Rahi, monstrous creatures that constantly harassed their kind, the Matoran. Because they were jerks like that.

 

“Why is it walking upright? I’ve never seen a Rahi walk upright.”

 

“Well Rahi see, Rahi do.”

 

“You don’t seriously believe they’re intelligent do you?”

 

“Sometimes I don’t believe you’re intelligent.”

 

“Mathematics happens to be very hard. A plus sign looks exactly the same as a multiplication sign.”

 

“Who’s there?” The Rahi spoke in a very gruff, confused tone.

 

“It can speak?”

 

“Just because it can speak doesn’t mean it’s intelligent.”

 

“The same can be said for you, moron.”

 

“Show yourselves! Or I'll barbecue you alive! And I won't eat it.”

 

“Uh, just walk a few steps to the right, and then we can talk.”

 

“Alright.”

 

The Rahi moved over to the right, and a cage made of wood then fell on him.

 

“Wow. I can’t believe that actually worked.”

 

The Rahi’s sword went aflame and it cut through the cage. “It didn’t.”

 

“WOOD IS FLAMMABLE TOO?!”

 

“You are stupid. As in, disgustingly stupid. The kind of stupid that makes me want to rip out your intestines and make balloon Rahi out of them.”

 

“Alright wise guys, where are you?”

 

“We don’t have time to deal with this idiot. Charge!”

 

Jaller and Kapura leapt out from their hiding place while Nuhrii made fake running and yelling sounds from behind the log.

 

“HALT!”

 

Jaller and Kapura stopped. Nuhrii kept on making sounds until he realized everyone had stopped.

 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

 

“Doing our… jobs, Turaga?”

 

Vakama hit Jaller over the head with his staff. When Kapura laughed at his captain’s misery, he was hit over the head too.

 

“WERE YOU DOLTS NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE PROPHECY?!”

 

“In order to tell a gripping story you need visuals, Turaga. That’s why nobody buys books. The only visuals you have are a bunch of stones and sand.”

 

“What the in the blazes is going on here?”

 

“You are Tahu, Toa of Fire. You have fallen from the sky to save us from the shadows.”

 

“…No seriously, what’s going on?”

 

“*sigh* You better come with me, it’ll be easier to swallow once you’re familiar with your surroundings.”

 

“Shall we come too?”

 

“No. Stay here, don’t ambush any more potential saviours and at least PRETEND you’re good at your jobs.” Vakama and the Rahi left.

 

“I think he was talking mainly about you Nuhrii.”

 

“I hate this job.”

 

WE ALL HAVE MONSTERS THAT WE HIDE

BUT VAKAMAS GREATEST LIES INSIDE

Edited by Toru Nui
  • Upvote 6

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Part 2: Masks of Power

 

Ta-Koro. City of Fire. Only maniacs, lunatics and the unnecessarily violent would willingly stay here. Let that sink in for a second.

 

OK seconds up, back to the description. The city is built into the middle of the Mangai Volcano, connected to the land through large stone slabs that could rise up and from the lava when needed. While the location eliminates the need for radiators and indoor heating, building your city in the middle of a VOLCANO is an incredibly loony idea, especially since the Volcano is directly above Mangaia, lair of the Makuta. Vakama really dropped the ball. Not that he really had one to begin with.

 

“Alright, so from what I can gather, you want me to go find a golden mask which will give me the powers of the twelve common masks, shielding, water breathing, strength, speed, levitation, x-ray vision, concealment, translation, night vision, mind control, illusion and telekinesis. To get this mask I need to go out and find six of these masks and then place them on the shrine thing just outside this hut. I can’t use yours or the Matorans’ masks because I need Great Kanohi, not Powerless and Noble Kanohi. You then want me to go underground to fight an unstoppable evil with these powers. I only have one question.”

 

“Which is?”

 

“How is water breathing going to help me UNDERGROUND?”

 

“I have to admit, not much.”

 

A Ta-Koro guard quietly gently burst into the room. He looked like the kind of guy who didn’t hate his job, but would be rather be done with it as soon as possible so he can go lava-boarding at six. Oh and apparently a favoured Ta-Matoran pastime is surfing on lava. I DARE anyone to say they’re not crazy now.

 

“Sir, semi-important news.”

 

“What is it Agni?”

 

“Semi-important?”

 

“That blue-masked nutjob is back, and he’s staggering around the village like a- like a… like aaaaa-“

 

“Staggerer?”

 

“Yes, that’s it.”

 

“That’s not a word.”

 

“No, it’s a noun.”

 

“A NOUN IS A WORD!”

 

“Well pardon me I’ve been in a canister for only this Great Spirit Guy-knows how long, so forgive me if I get a FEW things wrong!”

 

“…Sorry.”

 

“What should I do with the staggerer?”

 

“That’s not a word and bring him in.”

 

“Ah, arrest him. Good call Turaga.”

 

“What? NO! I want you bring him in HERE.”

 

“So you want to torture him. Excellent. I’ll bring my favourite iron brand.”

 

“NO! I just want to speak with him. OK?”

 

“…Just an interrogation then?”

 

“I. WANT. TO. SPEAK. WITH. HIM. PEACEFULLY. ARE. WE. CLEAR?”

 

“*sigh* Very well. The one chance I have to have FUN at my job *grumble*.” Agni left and slammed the door behind him.

 

“What should I do?”

 

“You must go and find the great masks.”

 

“Um, where are they?”

 

“What?”

 

“I can’t really find stuff if I don’t know where it is.”

 

“They’re all SOMEWHERE in Ta-Wahi.”

 

“Yes but where in somewhere?”

 

“That's what EYES are for. You want me to walk your hand or something? I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE! *roar* Now shut up and sit down you over-glorified furnace.”

 

“Did you just roar?”

 

“Uh… no I didn’t.”

 

“I could have sworn for a moment there you roared, and your eyes briefly changed colour.”

 

“…Don’t ask.”

 

“Rrrrright. Anyhoo, how do I use the Mask?

 

“Do you mean the mask you have, the masks you are going to get or the golden mask you will soon get?”

 

“All three.”

 

“You must have to want to use it.”

 

“That’s it?”

 

“Yes. Of course that’s no use unless you know what mask you have. You could wish you have strength but that’s useless if you have a mask of speed.”

 

“So what mask do I have?”

 

“I don’t remember that either. I know the scientific name for it, the Kanohi Hau, but I forget what its power is.”

 

“Congratulations old man. You have now become useless.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“You are of no help whatsoever, and I don't plan on staying around just so you can insult me more. Good day to you.” And so he went to the door to leave. “Hang on, do I have a name?”

 

“It’s Tahu.”

 

“Hmm.” Tahu left Vakama’s hut and left the village in search of the Great Masks.

 

“Sir, here’s Takua.”

 

“Send him in.”

 

Takua was a genuinely nice guy, who did not see any problems with anyone. Unfortunately, this made him a bit of an oddball among the community. After all, if Ta-Matoran aren’t arguing with someone else they’re arguing with themselves.

 

“Oh hello. Who are you?”

 

“Don’t be absurd. You know who I am.”

 

“I don’t. I don’t know anyone. I don’t even know who I am.”

 

“*sigh* I’ve already had to explain stuff to an amnesiac hero today, I don’t want to have to deal with another, but I will do so if I must.”

 

“I’m a hero?”

 

“Well, yes. Sort of. Kind of. A little. Not really."

 

LIGHT IS COMING

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 3: Rahi Safari

 

Tahu wandered out into Ta-Wahi. He wondered about stuff. About life, the universe and everything.

 

Obviously he had been created by Mata Nui to protect the Matoran, as they were clearly incapable of taking care of themselves, but why only one? Vakama had said that there were six Wahis on Mata Nui, each corresponding to the six elements: Fire, Water, Earth, Stone, Air and Ice. He was the Toa of Fire. So where were the Toa of Water, Earth and so on?

 

He didn’t have much time to wonder, as he then attacked by a Nui-Rama.

 

“What the Karzahni is that?”

 

A Nui-Rama is small insect-like Rahi. They come in two types: the Ta-Nui-Rama, and the Le-Nui-Rama. This was a Ta-Nui-Rama. Since, you know it was in TA-WAHI.

 

The Rama shot an energy ball at him. Tahu dived behind a rock, and shot fireballs through his sword. He missed every shot until his sword could only shoot steam.

 

“Argh! Where was this made? I want to complain to the manufacturer.

 

He saw a label which said: MADE IN KARDA-NUI.

 

“I can’t read…”

 

The Rama made a dive for him, but it missed and slammed face down on the floor.

 

“Are you all going to be this easy?” Tahu stood on the bug and pulled out the Infected Kanohi from its eyes, freeing it from Makuta’s control. He then turned around to see that there were dozens of more Nui-Rama’s behind him. He then immediately ran.

 

“KILL HIM. CRUSH HIM. DESTROY HIM. WIPE THE TOA FROM THE FACE OF MATA NUI. KILL. CRUSH. DESTROY. KILL, CRUSH, DESTROY. KILL, CRUSH, DESTROY!”

 

The Rama swarm ran (or flew rather) after Tahu. Tahu than immediately fell over something. It was a mask.

 

“Well, that was easy. Please be speed, please be speed, please be speed…”

 

It was speed.

 

“SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!”

 

He quickly outran the Rama swarm and hid inside a cave. It was dark, so he lit up his sword. He saw the face of a Kuma-Nui staring down at him.

 

“YIPE!”

 

Panicking, Tahu quickly thrust his sword into the ground, causing it to crack. The crack then widened and Tahu fell into an underground lava lake, while the Kuma escaped through the cave entrance.

 

“What are you doing you moron?”

 

What? I’m telling the story.

 

“Unless the story involves me suddenly getting wings SHUT IT!”

 

OK, OK. Fortunately, a slab of stone fell down with Tahu, which he put both feet on top of. And he safely fell down, surfing on the lava…

 

“Ah, better.”

 

However, more stones were falling down with him, and they caused a wave of lava coming after him.

 

“YOU SON OF A-“

 

Quiet. Tahu eventually reached the end of the tunnel, where he leaped out of a hole in a cliff and fell into a pool of lava.

 

“Ahem.”

 

He was still on his surfboard. The lava that was following him simply fell into the pool behind him. Tahu pulled over and leapt back onto land. There he found another mask.

 

“Wow. Maybe this won’t be so hard after all.”

 

When he put it on, he thought of all twelve Mask Powers Vakama had told him, and wanted them to happen. When he got to water breathing, he started choking. He then wanted to breathe air instead, and he stopped choking.

 

“Note to self: never say “this won’t be so hard”. Because then you may die.”

 

NOT AFRAID OF YOUR SHADOW

YOU SHOULD BE

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 4: M.A.K.U.T.A

 

“THE EARTH SHUDDERS MY BROTHER. THE TOA HAVE BEGUN THEIR APPROACH. ONCE AGAIN THEIR KIND GOES OUT OF THEIR WAY TO OPPOSE MY WILL!

 

MUST I RELEASE THOSE WHO SHOULD NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY?

 

NO. THERE IS STILL PLENTY OF TIME. I MUST PRESERVE YOUR SLUM-“

 

“Warning. Catastrophic system failure in-“

 

“ARGH, SHUT UP!”

 

“So, what do we do?”

 

“CARRY ON AS NORMAL. THE TOA ARE HERE EARLY. SO IF THEY SHOULD RETRIEVE THE GOLDEN MASKS BEFORE THE SEVENTH TOA ARRIVES, WE MUST… DELAY THEM.”

 

“OK what you mean by-OOF!”

 

“WHAT WAS THAT?”

 

“I fell over one of your stupid slug things!”

 

“THINGS? REALLY?”

 

“Would it KILL you to turn a light on? I mean, sure, you’re a being of Darkness and all that but…”

 

“NO, A BEING OF SHADOW. A BEING OF DARKNESS SOUNDS INCREDIBLY CLICHED AND UNORIGINAL.”

 

“Isn’t there not much of a difference?”

 

“A SHADOW IS A REFLECTION OF LIGHT. DARKNESS IS ABSENCE OF LIGHT. ERGO, THEY ARE DIFFERENT. QUID PRO QUO.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“NO IDEA. I HAVEN’T REALLY BOTHERED TO FIND OUT. YOU KNOW, WITH THE WHOLE “MASTER PLAN” THING.”

 

“Oh. But anyway since you’re a being of Shadow, shouldn’t there be a really big light in here to make you a really big shadow?”

 

“NOW YOU’RE OVERTHINKING IT.”

 

“I’m overthinking? You had to make your primary plan Plan AA because you had far too many to number them from A to Z normally.”

 

“YOU’RE OVERTHINKING ABOUT SYMBOLIC STUFF. THAT’S NOT WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE OVERTHINKING OF.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“COWARD!”

 

“What? I said whatever, that means you win.”

 

“NO, THAT MEANS YOU HAVE BACKED OUT OF THE ARGUMENT BECAUSE YOU KNOW I’VE WON.”

 

“THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!!! You are most difficult person to work with ever! You leave your pets lying all over floor instead of putting them in cages; don’t have a single light on except for a computer screen, speak in a constant dramatic voice for no real reason and you’re a smart alec! I thought Onewa was difficult, but you? You reach a completely new level. That’s actually rather impressive.”

 

“SHOULDN’T YOU BE IN PO-WAHI DOING YOUR JOB?”

 

“What? Oh, right the Comet Balls, way ahead of you.”

 

“IF SO, WHY HAVEN’T YOU GONE YET?”

 

“I’m going NOW.”

 

“YES BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE EARLIER.”

 

“Now is not the time for should, could and would.”

 

“I ONLY USED ONE OF THOSE.”

 

“SHUT UP! I’m going and that’s final.”

 

“I WANT YOU TO GO THOUGH.”

 

“Yes, that’s WHY I’m going.”

 

“YES, BUT YOU’RE TAKING AN ARGUMENTATIVE TONE WITH ME FOR NO REAL REASON.”

 

“Yes, but that’s because you’re accusing me of not doing my job, which is insulting.”

 

“YES, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT DOING YOUR JOB!”

 

“YES! I-“

 

“WELL?”

 

“I said yes before I could think of something to say.”

 

“OH. WELL THEN. WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!”

 

“I… forget, what was I supposed to be doing again?”

 

“SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY I LET YOU LIVE.”

 

“I’m your only contact with the surface world? I’m your spy among the Matoran? I’m the only person who will play games with you without whining about you constantly winning due to your superior intellect?”

 

“DEFINITELY THE LAST ONE.”

 

BA BA BLACK SHEEP HAVE YOU ANY PLAN

YES SIR YES SIR LETS STICK IT TO THE MAN

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 5: Hope

 

Takua walked across the beach where he woke up just a few hours ago. Everything was there the way he remembered it, the large canister, the cliff where the telescope was, next to the large stones, the other stone on the beach-side that had a hole in its mouth, the boat with the blue Matoran waving frantically…

 

Hang on, that wasn’t there beforehand.

 

“HELP!” Cried the Matoran as Takua rushed towards her. It was a different kind of voice from the ones he heard from his fellow Ta-Matoran. “You must help!”

 

“With what? Is your boat broken? I’m not an expert on that.”

 

“No! A Rahi has attacked my village!”

 

“Wait; there are other villages besides Ta-Koro?”

 

“YES! YOU MUST HELP! THE TURAGA AND SOME OTHER VILLAGERS ARE TRAPPED IN A HUT BELOW THE SEA! THEY WILL SURELY DROWN! HURRY! GET IN THE BOAT!”

 

“I don’t know how to drive.”

 

“Read this manual.”

 

“I can’t read!”

 

“Read this alphabet chart.”

 

“ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. So I just read these like words I would say?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Positionyourselfsoyouarestraddlingtheseatnearestthemotorprimethemotorbysqueezingtheprimer

bulbonthefuellineuntilresistanceisfeltneversqueezethebulbwhilethemotoris

runningmakesuretheboatisinneutralgenerallythiswillbewiththeshiftleverintheuppositionorthe

middlepositionbetweenreverseandforwardadvancethethrottletothe"start"positionthismaybeindicated

orcanbeapproximatedbyputtingthethrottleat1/3poweriftheengineiscold(hasn'tbeenstartedrecently)pulloutthechokeknob *gasp* itmayhelptostandupstraddlingthe seatduringthispartpullthehandleoutuntilitstopsthengiveitaquicklongyankontheropeitprobablywon'tstart

thefirsttimesotrymanytimesiftheenginedoesnotstartin3-4pullspushthechokeinandtryagain3-4times

alternatewiththechokeinandoutwhentheenginefiresadjustthechokeinwardstoprovideasmoothidleand

adjustthethrottletoaslowspeedputthemotorintoeitherforwardorreversedependingwhereyouaretosteer

theboatpullthehandlewithyourhandtoturntwistingittowardyouwillmaketheboatgofasterandtwistingitawayfromyouwillmakeitgo

slowerpushingthemotorawaywillturnitrightandviceversa. *pant*pant*pant*…”

 

“NOW GO! GO! GO!”

 

“Alright, I’m going, I’m going!”

 

Takua got in the boat and started it up and drove it to the place marked on the on-board map as Ga-Koro.

 

Ga-Koro was built out of giant leaves, floating like lily pads on water connected to a small beach, separated from the mainland via a cliff which had the Kanohi Kaukau carved into it. Out of the mask’s breathing port was water coming out and falling into a pool.

 

Takua landed the boat on the beach and came to the village entrance, which for some reason could only be opened by scales. There were small rocks around that could be placed on a scale. When the weight on the scale matched that of a large rock held up by a chain on the other side the entrance would open. Oh well. Ga-Matoran logic.

 

Takua bypassed this oddly placed and not-at-all hard puzzle and entered the village itself. There was nobody there. He came to a place where a hut would be, and there was a stalk. A voice was coming through it.

 

“Hello? Can anybody hear me?”

 

“I can hear you.”

 

“Oh, thank Mata Nui. Listen, we’re trapped down here. The Rahi is gone but he’ll soon be back, and we’re running out of air. Huts made out of LEAVES aren’t very airtight! Stupid cheap Le-Matoran contract labour…”

 

“Turaga?”

 

“Yes, Hahli?”

 

“Didn’t they add a pump system that allows any hut to return to the surface in case of emergency?”

 

“…I mean reliable, reasonably-priced Le-Matoran contract-“

 

“Nonono, what I was thinking was that the guy up there could use that to get us back up to the surface.”

 

“That is brilliant. You, up there, there should by a lightstone in Hahli’s hut, just down the block.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“Well it was your idea. Use the lightstone to search for the missing gear piece to the pump system.”

 

“OK, you um… stay here (not that you have a choice) and I will get this gear.”

 

“…So did anyone want to play a game to pass the time?”

 

“Ooh, ooh, ooh!”

 

“Yes Vhisola? Four words. First word. We’re. It’s we’re going to die isn’t it?”

 

“Actually it’s we’re going to drown, but that’s close enough.”

 

“Uh, Fire, Ice, Water?”

 

“OK. Fire, Ice, Water!”

 

“Fire, Ice, Water!”

 

“Hahli wins.”

 

“Wait, something beats Water?”

 

“Yes, Ice. You know. Ice freezes Water, Water extinguishes Fire, Fire melts Ice…”

 

“Quiet, something’s moving.”

 

“WE are! WE’RE REACHING THE SURFACE!”

 

Yes I can see that Vhisola!

 

Around 50 Ga-Matoran rushed out from the hut. All around, more Matoran also came out of their hut, now feeling safe that their Turaga was alive. Takua was completely wet and soggy.

 

“Well. Let’s hope that never happens again.”

 

“Yes and the Tarakava left as well!”

 

A Tarakava immediately leapt up from the water.”

 

“I was wrong.”

 

The Tarakava drove toward Turaga Nokama and was about to punch her when suddenly a tall figure burst out from the water and leapt in front of the Tarakava blocking the blow with its claws.

 

The two then engaged in what would be considered a boxing match. Takua made the most of the situation by holding bets as to who would win. Naturally, everyone bet on the tall figure.

 

This figure leapt on top of the Tarakava and shielded its eyes, preventing it from seeing where it was going. The Tarakava blindly drove into the water.

 

“Where is it?”

 

“What’s happening?”

 

“I can’t watch!”

 

“No duh, your eyes are over your hands, I mean your hands are over your eyes.”

 

“I don’t WANT to watch!”

 

“Ah, well that’s different.”

 

The Tarakava then burst out of the water-

 

“*gasp*”

 

But then it fell down.

 

“*phew*”

 

The figure stood triumphantly, carrying a mask that the Tarakava had on its mouth.

 

“Um, Turaga? What just happened?”

 

“Hope happened.”

 

“…No seriously, WHAT just happened?!”

 

“*sigh* Matoran these days... oh great, now I'm beginning to sound like Nuju. If he spoke the language.

 

SIX HEROES

ONE DESTINY

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Great job, Toru Nui!  :)  This is good luck for me that right when I return to BZP, I find a new comedy that deals with the Bionicle era I know best!  :P

 

I like how the comedy definitely doesn't take itself too seriously.  I don't remember questioning a lot of the more tenuous plot points in the Bionicle story when I was younger, so it's nice and refreshing that someone is doing so now.  The story was a big element of Bionicle's appeal (for a lot of us on BZP, at least), but I guess it's not as natural to be critical of it when the willing suspension of disbelief is such a strong part of enjoying the whole thing.

 

My favorite parts so far included the questionability of Ta-Koro's location (next to Makuta's volcano  :P ) and the incompetence of both Tahu and his would-be captors.  You give us a much more comical, realistic view of how that first encounter might have played out.

 

I also liked the poking fun at the fact that all the Matoran in Ga-Koro could have fit in a single hut made of leaves that could be submerged without just filling with water.  Why couldn't they just poke a hole in it and swim out, either?  :P  It is pretty ridiculous when you think about it.

 

Your use of colors for the dialogue is great!  That's one of the simple things writers can do to make comedies much more readable and enjoyable.  I think if I didn't already know the story and characters of that year I would be pretty confused without any introductions or dramatis personae, but once I figured out what was going on it was fine.  I would be lying if I said I didn't forget who a character was at least once, though.  :P  Having written and read a lot of comedies where the character's name is written before they say anything, I agree that it's refreshing not to be burdened with reading that every time.  The color system is intuitive and it works for me, as long as there are enough context clues to keep reminding me who's talking.  Just a formatting thing, and much less important than the comedy's plot or being funny, but something for all of us to keep in mind when we think of it.

 

I can't wait to see what other old storylines you can make us laugh at!  :)

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Great job, Toru Nui!  :)  This is good luck for me that right when I return to BZP, I find a new comedy that deals with the Bionicle era I know best!  :P

 

I like how the comedy definitely doesn't take itself too seriously.  I don't remember questioning a lot of the more tenuous plot points in the Bionicle story when I was younger, so it's nice and refreshing that someone is doing so now.  The story was a big element of Bionicle's appeal (for a lot of us on BZP, at least), but I guess it's not as natural to be critical of it when the willing suspension of disbelief is such a strong part of enjoying the whole thing.

 

My favorite parts so far included the questionability of Ta-Koro's location (next to Makuta's volcano  :P ) and the incompetence of both Tahu and his would-be captors.  You give us a much more comical, realistic view of how that first encounter might have played out.

 

I also liked the poking fun at the fact that all the Matoran in Ga-Koro could have fit in a single hut made of leaves that could be submerged without just filling with water.  Why couldn't they just poke a hole in it and swim out, either?  :P  It is pretty ridiculous when you think about it.

 

Your use of colors for the dialogue is great!  That's one of the simple things writers can do to make comedies much more readable and enjoyable.  I think if I didn't already know the story and characters of that year I would be pretty confused without any introductions or dramatis personae, but once I figured out what was going on it was fine.  I would be lying if I said I didn't forget who a character was at least once, though.  :P  Having written and read a lot of comedies where the character's name is written before they say anything, I agree that it's refreshing not to be burdened with reading that every time.  The color system is intuitive and it works for me, as long as there are enough context clues to keep reminding me who's talking.  Just a formatting thing, and much less important than the comedy's plot or being funny, but something for all of us to keep in mind when we think of it.

 

I can't wait to see what other old storylines you can make us laugh at!  :)

Well, I was going to write up some detailed comment saying why I liked this, but this guy's already got that covered.

 

Though to be honest, I was a baby in the early days of Bionicle, so these parodies are the first I hear of it, (aside from skimming through bs01) and it's probably a funnier way to learn the origins of Bionicle than most have.

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Great job, Toru Nui!  :)  This is good luck for me that right when I return to BZP, I find a new comedy that deals with the Bionicle era I know best!  :P

Well, I was going to write up some detailed comment saying why I liked this, but this guy's already got that covered.

Thank you, thank you! Yes I really am this amazing.

 

Part 6: Work Relations

 

A Kane-Ra is very similar to one of your Earth dogs. Once it finds something it likes it will hold on to it with its jaw. The only problem is that is this scenario it’s holding a mystical mask of power, it’s much larger and stronger, and it simply won’t let go even when a tall red nutjob threatens to burn its skin off. That bluff didn’t work (Toa aren’t allowed to kill) so Tahu was forced to play Tug-Of-War. This looks as hilarious as it sounds.

 

“No, no, NO! Give that back! That’s mine! What’s mine is mine and mine and furthermore MINE!”

 

Tahu simply couldn’t hold a CANDLE to the Ra’s brute strength, and he simply had to let go, lest his fingers be ripped from his hands. Tahu frowned and walked away and went behind a rock.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“GET HIM YOU USELESS STUPID PILE OF WASTED VIRUSES AND ANTIDERMIS!”

 

The Ra charged and quite literally ate the rock. But to do this, it put down the mask, which Tahu snatched and ran off with while the Ra was choking on the rock.

 

“What a depressingly stupid beast.”

 

“WHAT AN INFURIATINGLY STUPID BEAST-GET THAT MASK BACK!”

 

The Ra began to chase Tahu, but couldn’t keep up due to Tahu’s Mask of Speed. The Ra then began to throw a tantrum that its favourite toy was gone. It then had an idea. Take off the mask the nice Shadow Man gave you, and use that instead. It did, and then it hated the Shadow Man and everything he stood for. It then wanted to go to sleep. And it did.

 

“UGH…”

 

Tahu then stopped running. Because he ran into a burnt tree. He was in a place called the Charred Forest. Tahu tried to count the masks he had with his right hand, but then he realised he had only two fingers. Fortunately, it was enough to count the masks he needed.

 

He then saw a blue figure in the distance. It looked very similar to him in appearance. It had hooks on each hand and a mask which Tahu identified as the mask of water breathing. When the figure saw him, it quickly darted behind a tree.

 

“Come out or I’ll chop the tree down!”

 

“That would chop me as well!”

 

“Oh right. The no-killing thing. Who are you?”

 

The being stepped out behind the tree and introduced herself:

 

“I am Gali, Toa of Water. And you are?…”

 

“Um…”

 

“Is there a problem?”

 

“Well, I am the Toa of Fire, so…”

 

“Oh right, “Water beats Fire” and all that. Don’t worry; we’re on the same team.”

 

“I should hope so. A Toa of Water is much more useful than a Toa of Steam.”

 

POETRY!

 

“Wait what?”

 

“Well Water can beat Fire but only if there’s a lot of it. Otherwise it becomes steam.”

 

“Well we’re both Toa, so there’s an equal amount.”

 

“So we’d both lose then?”

 

“*sigh* Look, I need your help finding my masks. I assume you’re doing the same.”

 

“I’m only missing two. You help me find my masks and I will help you find yours.”

 

“That seems fair. Oh and by the way, what happens when you see a shipwreck?”

 

“What? I don’t know.”

 

“You let it SINK in. Ay? Ay?”

 

“…If you knew, why did you ask me?”

 

“It’s a joke.”

 

“Drowning is not funny. Then again neither is being burned alive and I often joke about that.”

 

“No, that was a threat. A threat is serious. Unless it’s made by a silly person.”

 

“Who are you calling silly?”

 

“Nobody…”

 

Who are you calling nobody?”

 

“Nobody…”

 

GUESS HOW WELL THIS WORK RELATIONSHIP GOES JUST GUESS

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 7: The Sound of Madness

 

Vakama often spent his time standing in front of a fire for no real reason. He had often said this was how he got his visions, by staring into the flames of Ta-Koro.

 

This was of course, a load of lies. He got his visions from an outside source, countless eons in the future.

 

The guy who sent these visions of course was a real blabbermouth, who would often randomly speak to Vakama causing him to hallucinate that he was actually there.

 

“Hello!”

 

“*sigh* What is it Krakua?”

 

“Just thought I’d let you know that Tahu has already found four of his six masks by now. Or is it a few minutes earlier-no no, it’s definitely now. And he’s met Gali.”

 

“WHAT?”

 

 “You know, GALI! The Toa of Water and all that, nice gal, not so great with jokes though, doubt she’ll make a good first impression on him, especially since YOU DIDN’T TELL HIM SHE EXISTED. Mata Nui, you REALLY go all out on that “need-to-know” policy doesn’t you? I mean what’s the point? Do you get some kind of sick pleasure from deliberately withholding information from peo-“ 

 

“Shut up.”

 

“If I had a widget for every time I’ve heard you say that… Hang on…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I thought it would be more than that! That’s only half a week’s pay check.”

 

“Well SOMEONE’S overpaid.”

 

“You’re just saying that because you don’t get paid at all.”

 

“Why do you tell me things that have little to no consequence like now, but you won’t tell me the exact time and date of my death?!”

 

“Because I enjoy messing with you.”

 

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!”

 

Meanwhile outside…

 

“What’s the Turaga doing?”

 

“You’re new here aren’t you Agni? The Turaga often talks to some kind of invisible man who infuriates him to no end. He’s wise, but nuts.”

 

“SHUT UP NUHRII!!!”

 

Vakama threw a large stone at Nuhrii, and he was on target, knocking Nuhrii’s mask slightly to the left.

 

“…OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!”

 

“Nice shot!”

 

“YOU SHUT UP TOO!”

 

“What did I do?”

 

“NOT YOU! HIM!”

 

“Who? Is he really small? I don’t see him.”

 

“He CAN’T see me you know, that’s one of the many things I enjoy about my job.”

 

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”

 

“But you told me to guard your hut... does this mean I get the rest of the day off?”

 

“I DON’T! I’m trapped here on an island fortress with nothing for entertainment apart from trolling you!”

 

“We COULD just play a game if you’d like.”

 

“Fire, Ice, Water?”

 

“How about Charades?”

 

“SHUT THE KARZAHNI UP, NUHRII!!!”

 

He threw another rock at Nuhrii.

 

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Why am I hit but he is not?!”

 

“I was thinking more of a board game.”

 

“THAT'S NO REASON TO THROW A ROCK AT ME YOU MENTALLY-DEFICIENT OLD GEEZER!!!”

 

“Nice idea, but you know I’m just a hallucination projected by your eyes. How would that work?”

 

“You tell me what move you want to make with your pieces and I’ll move it for you.”

 

“What if I make a move that would ruin your game plan?”

 

“I promise to be fair.”

 

“THEN WHY AREN'T YOU THROWING A ROCK AT HIM?!”

 

“Don't drag ME into all this! I don't know what's going on anymore *sob*.”

 

“YOU? FAIR? HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA no. On the day you play fair Vakama, Makuta will sleep with the light on.”

 

NUHRII DESERVES EVERYTHING

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 8: Shadow Corp.

 

RING! RING! RING!

 

“HELLO?”

 

“I need a sales pitch.”

 

“WHAT?”

 

“I have NO idea how to sell these things.”

 

“DIDN’T YOU USE TO CARVE STATUES?”

 

“Yes, but I just carved them. I didn’t advertise them.”

 

“WELL GUESS WHAT. I DON’T KNOW EITHER!”

 

“Well, surely we can think of something? I mean, I’m a charming young charismatic fellow and you’re an evil genius. If we put our heads together…”

 

“I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! THE TOA ALMOST HAVE ATTAINED THEIR FIRST GOLDEN MASK! I NEED TO FOCUS ON CONTROLLING THE RAHI.”

 

“Well what am I supposed to do?”

 

“DIAL 555-35405-4319.”

 

“Alright… hello?”

 

“MONEY TALKS, I LISTEN, SPEAK!”

 

“Um… I work for the Makuta.”

 

“WHICH ONE?”

 

“…There’s only ONE Makuta, genius.”

 

“OH TAXES, THAT ONE. *sigh* YES?”

 

“I need help designing a sales pitch; he said you’d be able to help.”

 

“I EXPECT NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF ALL PROFITS.”

 

“Done. Are you familiar with the sport of Koli?”

 

“I’M A LEGITIMATE (AS FAR AS YOU KNOW) BUSINESSMAN. I KNOW NOTHING OF WHAT YOU SPEAK.”

 

“It’s a physical leisure activity item.”

 

“AH GOOD. WHAT IS THE TARGET AUDIENCE?”

 

“Po-Matoran.”

 

“THIS IS AS EASY AS SELLING PIE. JUST MAKE YOUR ITEM SOUND MORE USEFUL THAN IT ACTUALLY IS, AND YOU’LL BE FINE.”

 

“Isn’t that the motto for designing ANY sales pitch?”

 

“YEP, AND IT’S NOT STRAYED ME FROM THE PATH OF FILTHY RICHNESS YET. ESPECIALLY IF THE BUYERS ARE MATORAN. PITIFUL, GULLIBLE, UNGRATEFUL MATORAN!!!”

 

“Ungrateful? Never-mind. I’ll just make it sound like its perfect.”

 

“THAT’S THE IDEA.”

 

“OK, bye.”

 

RING RING!

 

“YES?”

 

“That guy helped, but he was kind of… greedy. Like, absurdly, amorally, abnormally greedy.”

 

“HE WAS CHOSEN TO RUN THE ISLAND OF STELT. HE’S GOING TO BE GREEDY.”

 

“That island that pretty much runs the economy? What’s it like there, if you know?”

 

“IMAGINE A SOCIETY THAT TAXES THE AIR YOU BREATHE.”

 

“Literally?”

 

“LITERALLY.”

 

“Wow. Why do people live there?”

 

“IF YOU CAN CALL THAT LIVING, IT'S BECAUSE THEY ALL HAVE A TERMINAL CASE OF BEING RICH.”

 

LIES ARE THE FOUNDATION ON WHICH EMPIRES ARE BUILT

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 9: Water in the Willows

 

The Ga-Matoran soon began work on repairing their village. Macku had returned, but she was slacking off and worrying about reports of an “epidemic” in Po-Koro. Meanwhile, Takua was speaking to Nokama inside her hut.

 

“So, Vakama didn’t even tell you there were multiple Toa?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“*sigh* Forgive him. He has a bizarre habit of keeping information to himself, when it does not rationally make sense for him to do so. He’s an odd, but nice guy.”

 

“He kept throwing rocks at one guard in particular.”

 

“Ah yes. There’s a reason for that… not a very good reason but still.”

 

“Can you tell me?”

 

“No.”

 

“So, it’s not alright for Vakama to withhold information, but when YOU do it, it-“

 

“No, you don’t understand. I can’t say any of it until the Great Spirit is woken by the Toa.”

 

“Oh… OK… So why are you all female?”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Well everyone back at Ta-Koro is male and everyone here is female. Is there a reason for that or can you not tell me right now?”

 

“Are you mocking me?”

 

“No, I’m being serious.”

 

“Well, do you have any other questions?”

 

“No.”

 

“You’re free to stay here for the time being, until we can rebuild a boat to get you back to Ta-Koro.”

 

“Yes… about that…

 

“What’s the matter?”

 

“Well… Vakama said that I’m not very popular in Ta-Koro and the only reason they didn’t try to rip me limb from limb is because of Tahu’s arrival, so…”

 

“Oh. Well. Nothing I can do I’m afraid.”

 

Nokama walked outside and spoke to Hahli.

 

“How are the boat repairs doing?”

 

“Not good, we won’t be finished until tomorrow. Our guest will have to sleepover.”

 

“Yes, he’ll sleepover in your house.

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“Well, yours is the most spacious!”

 

“That’s because I share with Macku!”

 

“Exactly. Now you will share with Macku AND Takua.”

 

“There’s no room for three!”

 

“Well you can sleep in Macku’s boat then.”

 

“Hahli, have you seen my boat?”

 

Suddenly past them went Takua on Macku’s speed-boat.

 

“SORRY I HAVE TO STEAL YOUR BOAT I DON’T WANT TO INTRUDE UPON YOU!”

 

“YOU DON’T WANT TO INVADE OUR PERSONAL SPACE YET YOU’RE STEALING OUR STUFF?!”

 

“OUR stuff?”

 

“Yes! He still has my Lightstone!”

 

Takua quickly sped out into the distance.

 

“I’m going after him. I’m getting my Lightstone back.”

 

Hahli then dived into the water and started swimming after him.

 

“Hahli don’t be stupid! You can’t SWIM all the way to Ta-Koro (assuming that’s where he’s going)!”

 

“I CAN AND I WILL!!!”

 

“There goes a woman. A stupid, stupid woman… but brave.”

 

“I HEARD THAT!!!”

 

“That was a compliment!”

 

“OH REALLY? BEING STUPID IS NOW A GOOD THING IS IT?”

 

“Well that would explain a lot…”

 

THERE IS NOTHING AS WORTH DOING

AS MESSING AROUND IN BOATS

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 10: The Charred Forest

 

“GIVE ME THE MASK YOU USELESS BUG!”

 

“Tahu, burning the Fikou to death won’t solve anything.”

 

“Yes it will!”

 

“No it won’t.”

 

“YES IT WILL. I WILL HAVE THE MASK.”

 

“Yes, but you will have killed an innocent being.”

 

“I’m not going to kill it, I’m going to burn it until it lets go of the mask.”

 

“IT CAN’T LET GO OF THE MASK BECAUSE IT’S WRITHING AROUND IN PAIN!”

 

“Alright, alright and alright.”

 

Tahu stopped boiling the poor Fikou, and it gave him the mask and quickly sped off.

 

Tahu and Gali then walked through the endless black trees, but they didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. Like they were going round and round in circles.

 

“OK, stop. This is getting us nowhere.”

 

“I can SEE that Gali.”

 

Gali carved a big X on the nearest tree with her hooks.

 

“Alright. Now we know we’ve been here before, so we know we’ve taken the wrong path if we come back here!”

 

“How did you get the X to be yellow?”

 

“Well it was either that or white and red. I have this strange feeling those colours are going to be the bane of my existence.”

 

Suddenly, Kapura started rushing by them, running from something. However, he was running very slowly.

 

“Run!”

 

“That’s not running… that’s… powerwalking.”

 

“You made that up.”

 

“No I didn’t!”

 

Suddenly a Muaka burst out from the trees, and snatched up Tahu in its jaws. It tried to chew, but couldn’t. There was kind of an energy shield in the way.

 

“Oh, so THIS is what the Hau does.”

 

Tahu quickly switched to the Mask of Speed and sprayed fire down the Muaka’s throat and quickly leapt out before it could snap its jaws. The Muaka quickly ran off searching for a source of water.

 

“NO! WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO FIND WATER-WHERE ARE YOU GOING? STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!”

 

The Toa looked behind and noticed Kapura was still there.

 

“Oh hello. Sorry about trapping you earlier.”

 

“Well that wasn’t so much a trap as dropping pieces of wood on me.”

 

“If you’re going to take that tone I won’t tell you about the Great Mask I saw.”

 

“WHERE IS IT? WHERE WHERE WHERE?

 

“I have it right here.” Kapura grabbed a Great Mask out of the Pocket Dimension in his backpack. He then suddenly froze as he saw the Muaka coming back.

 

“YES! That’s the last mask!”

 

“NO! THAT’S THE LAST MASK! YOU BETTER GET THAT MASK BACK YOU USELESS BEAST, OR I’ll TURN YOU INTO A RUG!”

 

“There’s something bad behind us.”

 

“I can tell. I’m just too excited to notice!”

 

“If we stay still and be quiet, it might think we’re statues.”

 

“THOSE ARE NOT STATUES. DO NOT TRY TO EAT THEM THIS TIME, AS YOU WILL FAIL. JUST EAT THE MASK.”

 

The Muaka lunged for the mask and snatched it in its jaws. Tahu leapt on top of it and started burning its neck, preventing it from swallowing it, and it spat it out.

 

It started rolling around on the floor violently, squashing Tahu and pressing him into the ground. Gali then started spraying a high pressure blast of water at the Muaka, knocking it against a few trees. Tahu quickly grabbed the mask.

 

“Tahu, get to the Suva! I’ll deal with Makuta’s pet.”

 

“Get to the what?”

 

“The Suva. He didn’t tell you?”

 

“You mean the big round object with slots for my Masks?”

 

“Yes. Yes, that’s it.”

 

“Thanks.” Tahu put on the Mask of Speed and rushed off towards Ta-Koro.

 

“NO! NUI-RAMA SWARM! ATTACK TA-KORO! STEAL THE MASKS OF POWER! ATTACK, ATTACK ATTACK!!!”

 

An entire swarm of Nui-Rama’s started flying towards Ta-Koro.

 

“RAHI! THE RAHI ARE COMING CAPTAIN JALLER!”

 

“Lower the bridge men (and Nuhrii)! We will stand our ground here!”

 

Nuhrii started lowering the bridge as Agni and others began to stand their ground as the Nui-Rama’s approached. Meanwhile Tahu’s Mask Power was beginning to run out. It was depleted when he managed to get to the gate.

 

“Lower the bridge! I need to bring these Kanohi to the Suva!”

 

“But we need this bridge lowered to stop the Nui-Rama!”

 

“They can fly.”

 

“Oh. Raise the bridge men (and Nuhrii)!”

 

Nuhrii sighed and raised the bridge again. With his Mask Power gone until it recharged, Tahu had to rely on his natural running ability to get across the bridge.

 

“HAHAHAHAHA! GO! GET THE MASKS!”

 

The Rama made dives for Tahu to grab his masks. That sounded much more dirty than I intended. Meanwhile the Muaka got back on its tracks and started heading towards Ta-Koro to assist. But not before Kapura was able to leap onto its back. Gali tried to chase after them, but she couldn’t match the Muaka’s speed.

 

Kapura started jabbing the Muaka with his spear, but couldn’t penetrate its thick hide. His attention was drawn to the two Infected Kanohi on its arms. He started crawling across the Muaka’s skin stealthily, as to not attract its attention.

 

“Pawn to King 3.”

 

“That’s an illegal move.”

 

“Who’s asking?”

 

“I’m not asking you I’m… do you hear buzzing?”

 

“YES, Vakama! I hear everything YOU hear!”

 

Vakama rushed out and saw Tahu swatting Ramas with his Fire Sword while he tried to position his Kanohi around the Suva, but every time he did a Rama snatched it.

 

“I can’t put the masks down! This is ridiculous!”

 

“I’m coming!” Vakama immediately became invisible and rushed over towards Tahu and took the masks. Tahu was naturally bewildered.

 

“What?”

 

“WHAT?”

 

Vakama put down the masks on the Suva while Tahu fought the Ramas. Meanwhile Kapura had knocked off one of the Infected Kanohi off the Muaka with his spear.

 

Huh? One of the masks came off, I wonder… wait, I’m thinking freely, how am I…

 

MUST OBEY THE SHADOW.

 

Oh I don’t know, I think he’s kind of mean…

 

OBEY. OBEY. OBEY.

 

Quiet, I’m trying to think, and why am I speeding towards those Matoran…

 

“Is that Kapura riding a Muaka?”

 

“I think he’s only a passenger.”

 

“GET DOWN YOU MORONS!”

 

Jaller, Nuhrii, Agni and all the other guards dived for cover as the Muaka and Kapura sped off across the bridge which they had forgotten to lower and Jaller blamed Nuhrii for. Meanwhile Tahu was finding it difficult to stand upright without his masks. Vakama put the final mask on the pedestal. His mask power, like Tahu was now exhausted. The Rama saw him, and as a result the masks he put down.

 

“Now Tahu, NOW!”

 

“OH I KNOW HOW THIS ENDS BUT I CAN'T WATCH REGARDLESS!”

 

Tahu mustered up all his energy and leapt on to the Suva, flopping all over it. The Suva began to glow and Tahu’s face was suddenly graced by a Golden Kanohi in the shape of the Kanohi Hau, a split-second before the Rama’s grabbed the masks around the Suva.

 

Tahu leapt down and started curb-stomping the Ramas, removing their Infected Kanohi with precision Fire Blasts. He now had the power of the twelve standard masks. Shielding, Water Breathing, Strength, Speed, Levitation, X-Ray Vision, Concealment, Translation, Night Vision, Mind Control, Illusion and Telekinesis.

 

With their link to Makuta broken, the swarm scattered to the four winds, going their own separate ways. It was at this moment the Muaka arrived. It slammed on its brakes, but it wasn’t fast enough. Kapura leapt off its back just as it crashed into Vakama’s hut, leaving it buried under the remains of the Turaga’s humble abode. Krakua found this hilarious.

 

“HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAH-“

 

“Shut up.”

 

“I didn’t say anything!”

 

“*sigh*”

 

Guess who also found this hilarious.

 

“HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA-WAIT I LOST.”

 

Gali then arrived, grasping for breath.

 

“I… see… you… don’t need… any help?”

 

“Unless you can rebuild my hut in ten seconds flat, get lost.”

 

The Muaka then rose from the ruins of the old codger’s residency and roared.

 

“Quiet.” Gali threw a large bubble of water at the Muaka’s second mask. It then started acting like a little puppy dog.

 

“Well, apart from my house being destroyed, I’d say that was a good day.”

 

“…WELL, APART FROM VAKAMA’S HOUSE BEING DESTROYED, I’D SAY THAT WAS A HORRIBLE DAY.”

 

WHAT A NIGHTMARE I DREAMT I WAS A OH FIDDLESTICKS I AM A MUAKA

Edited by Toru Nui
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Chapter 10 was great!  The action was very funny to read, thanks.

 

Favorite parts were the redundancy of the charred forest, lowering and raising the bridge, Vakama's being invisible (we never heard about him using his mask in the real story!), and Vakama and Makuta's perspectives on the last line!  A funny chapter that moved the plot along, too.

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Part 11: Pekka’s Order

 

Takua arrived on the shores of Po-Wahi, not Ta-Wahi, since he didn’t have a map. He saw there was a small bazaar next to him, selling… rocks. OK. He thought that was odd.

 

“Hold it right there stranger!”

 

Takua turned around to see there was a Matoran holding a rock in his hand, poised to throw.

 

“I have a rock, and I’m not afraid to use it!”

 

He then dropped it. He kneeled down to pick it up and then put it back in the same position. He then dropped it again and put it back.

 

“Well… what do you want?”

 

“I’m lost. Do you have a map of Mata Nui anywhere?”

 

“Sure I do! It costs five Widgets.”

 

“I don’t have that kind of money.”

 

“Mata Nui, you’re poor. The Turaga might let you look at his map in his hut, if he’s in a good mood.”

 

“Where?”

 

“You follow the stone-path, and when you come to a fork in the road, follow the signs.”

 

“Right.”

 

Takua went off down the path…In five minutes he came back.

 

“I forget, what did you say?”

 

“You follow the stone-path, and when you come to a fork in the road, follow the signs.”

 

Takua went off down the path again…In FOUR minutes he came back.

 

“I forget, what did you say?”

 

“You follow the stone-path, and when you come to a fork in the road, follow the signs.”

 

Takua went off down the path again, again…In THREE minutes he came back.

 

“I forget, what did you say?”

 

“You follow the stone-path, and when you come to a fork in the road, follow the signs.”

 

Takua went off down the path again, again, again…In TWO minutes he came back.

 

“I forget, what did you say?”

 

“You follow the stone-path, and when you come to a fork in the road, follow the signs.”

 

Takua went off down the path again, again, again…In ONE minute he came back.

 

“I forget, what did you say…”

 

“GET FAR AWAY FROM HERE AS POSSIBLE, BEFORE I GOUGE OUT YOUR EYEBALLS AND USE THEM AS MARBLES YA VARMINT!!!”

 

“Alright.”

 

In half-a-minute he came back.

 

“I forget, what did you say?”

 

“Oh come on, you can’t be THIS stupid!”

 

“I’m not. I’m just getting back at you for saying I was poor.”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

MY FRIEND WENT TO PO-KORO AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY ROCK

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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I probably should stop reading these before I fall off of my chair...

 

That's almost as funny as Takua's last two lines.

 

Part 12: Meeting of Minds(?)

 

Due to the destruction of Vakama’s hut, Tahu, Gali, Jaller and Vakama (and by extension, Krakua) had their meeting in the Ta-Koro Guard HQ, which contained the winch that controlled the bridge. Jaller ordered Agni to wash it as Nuhrii had touched it, and he didn’t want an epidemic of “stupidity” running amok the guard.

 

“How many times do I have to say it?”

 

“Only once. We get your point.”

 

“NO YOU HAVEN’T! We could barely fight off that attack without you and that was only a fraction of Makuta’s legions! We need Tahu to stay here and fight off any more attacks!”

 

“OK, you listen to me now. There is NO reason for Makuta to attack Ta-Koro if we leave. He’ll have his forces combing the Wahis searching for us. He’ll be too busy to attack any village.”

 

“She has a point.”

 

“SHUT UP!”

 

“Rude.”

 

“I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU!”

 

“Don’t worry. He’s talking to me; he always is, EVEN WHEN I’M NOT SAYING ANYTHING!”

 

“SHUT UP NUHRII!!!”

 

Vakama threw a rock at Nuhrii who ducked.

 

“MISSED! NYAH!”

 

Vakama threw a fireball at Nuhrii who caught fire.

 

“FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!”

 

“Way to state the flippin’ obvious Nuhrii.”

 

“Makuta is a mastermind. He WILL attack us because we are at our most vulnerable as a message to tell you to stop getting the Golden Masks.”

 

“And how do you know that?”

 

“I knew him.”

 

“Yes, for about an hour.”

 

“SHUT UP!!!”

 

“I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING! IS SETTING ME ON FIRE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU YA SENILE OLD-FIRE FIRE FIRE!!!”

 

“Stop making me throw stuff at you.”

 

“Look, let’s just ask Tahu what he wants to do-where is Tahu?”

 

“He’s gone.”

 

“I can see that. Agni, come over here boy. Did you see where Tahu went?”

 

“He said he couldn’t take any more of your rambling (sorry that’s what he said) and went off to Onu-Koro to find an alternate route to Ga-Wahi that does not involve swimming or going across large areas filled with Rahi.”

 

“How long ago was this?”

 

“About seven minutes ago.”

 

“I understand him not wanting to go straight into what is probably a trap, but SWIMMING?! Swimming is the greatest thing in the world! Why would anyone NOT want to do it? It just… defies all reason!”

 

“…You don’t know our kind, do you?”

 

INSANITY IS A JOB REQUIREMENT FOR BEING A TOA

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Part 13: Unlucky

 

RING! RING!

 

“Yes?”

 

“WHY DID THE DIKAPI CROSS THE ROAD?”

 

“Mata Nu-gee, why?”

 

“TO GET TO THE IDIOTS HOUSE!”

 

“What? I don’t-“

 

“KNOCK KNOCK.”

 

“…Who’s there?”

 

“THE DIKAPI.”

 

“…Why are you calling me?”

 

“I NEED TO RELIEVE STRESS.”

 

“Can’t you do that in a less annoying manner? Contrary to popular belief, misery does NOT love company.”

 

“I KNOW. I’M A GENIUS. MISERY CANNOT LOVE FOR MISERY IS THE ABSENCE OF POSITIVE EMOTION.”

 

“Don’t you have a stress stone?”

 

“I DID ONCE, BUT THEN I FOUND BURNING THINGS ALIVE WITH MY HEAT VISION IS MUCH MORE SATISFYING. AND THE DIKAPI JOKE. EVERYONE FALLS INTO THAT ONE I REMEMBER THE LOOK ON HIS FACE…A COMBINATION OF ANGER, DISGUST, CONTEMPT AND SELF-LOATHING.”

 

“Riiiiiiight. Anyway, can you just leave me alone?”

 

“NO. WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU MULTIPLY SIX BY NINE?”

 

“…Forty-Two?”

 

“FORTY-TWO? I LOVED THE ORIGINAL FORTY MOVIE! HELLO? HELLO? HE HANG ON UP ME-I MEAN UP ON ME.”

 

HANG ON UP HANG ON UP

HANG UP ON HANG ON UP

ILL BE GONE

IN A YEAR OR TEN

Edited by Toru Nui
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"Fine, fine, I'll sell your wretched Comet balls if you'll JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR FIVE STINKING MINUTES"

http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-and-sell-my-merchandise.png

 

Part 14: Down Down Down Down Down Down Down and Out

 

Tahu entered the Ta-Koro tunnel. Although the tunnel was flooded with lava, he didn’t care. He simply used his Golden Kanohi to emulate the power of the Kanohi Miru to levitate.

 

He continued to journey through the tunnels. Since he couldn’t read, he didn’t know where he was going, and ended up in the middle of protest. Onu-Matoran were shouting things like: "we can’t work in these conditions!" and "we need Lightstones! You know, to SEE!" And every once in a while they would turn their attention to one lone worker, actually doing his job, and yell: “Filthy scab!”

 

Tahu joined in with them for no reason, other than the fact he liked yelling.

 

The lone worker then turned his attention to the idiots behind him and yelled: “Will all you just SHUT UP!!!”

 

The leader of the protesters turned and said: “Not until Whenua stops forcing us to do impossible work!”

 

“Then how am I doing it?”

 

“Because if we strike, we don’t have to do work.”

 

“YOU MEAN TO TELL ME EVERY TIME YOU’VE ALL GONE ON STRIKE IN THE PAST IT WAS BECAUSE YOU WERE TIRED?!”

 

“Yes.”

 

Tahu saw that the tunnel was not finished and concluded he was in the wrong room. He went out and went through a different tunnel. At the end of this one was a large underground village lit up by Lightstones dangling from the ceiling. One fell on Tahu’s head.

 

“OW.”

 

He peeked inside one hut to find a Matoran and a Turaga conversing.

 

“The head of work relations says the miners led by Tehutti are refusing to work without Lightstones…”

 

“Tehutti. He has not changed.”

 

“The head of mining also shares his concern, and is still trying to find a soft spot in the impenetrable layer…”

 

“A fool’s errand.”

 

“And the head of economics is worrying himself sick of the lack of protodermis due to this layer. Worrying we’ll lose the market.”

 

“Paranoid git.”

 

“It’s… not looking good Turaga. The only good news is that Taipu is still trying to get the Le-Koro tunnel finished on schedule without a Lightstone, but one Matoran does not a mining crew make. Plus he’s an idiot. He’ll probably mine his way into Mangaia instead. I wouldn’t put it past him…”

 

“He is not that stupid. He IS stupid, but not Le-Matoran stupid, let alone Po-Matoran stupid.”

 

“So, with Rahi attacks, a strike and a protodermis shortage, we’re pretty much screwed. Also they will be seeing you tomorrow to speak about these problems.”

 

“I am not in the mood to speak with simple-minded bureaucrats.”

 

“The Guildmasters will get uneasy if you do not show up.”

 

“Uneasy? Tell them to talk with me when they are leaking themselves.”

 

“That’s disgusting!”

 

“Quiet. We are speaking.”

 

“Uh, who are you?”

 

“I am Tahu, Toa of Fire.”

 

“TOA? Well why did you not say so? Come, come.”

 

“Why did you say come twice?”

 

“Because it was such an important word in my sentence that I had to say it twice for emphasis. Now, Toa. What is it that you need? We do not have resources to spare.”

 

“Is there any way to Ga-Wahi from here without swimming, boat travel or entering the Lands of Shadow?”

 

“The wha-you mean the Rahi Zones in-between Wahis?”

 

“Lands of Shadow, Rahi Zones, they are synonymous. Sadly there is not. I would advise a boat, but the Guildmasters refuse to let me authorize such a thing, for a fear they will lose one.”

 

“*sigh* Thought as much. We have no boats in Ta-Koro either. Do they have any in Po-Koro?”

 

“No, but I am sure you could ask them to build one for you. But be cautious. The Po-Matoran and their Turaga, Onewa my trusted friend/punishment for my sins, have been acting very odd as of late.”

 

“Great. Could someone show me the way?”

 

“Onepu, take the good man to Po-Wahi.”

 

“Alright. Come with me sir.”

 

“Sir?”

 

Tahu and Onepu exited Whenua’s hut, talking about what is a “sir” and what is not.

 

“There may be hope yet. I never truly believed they would arrive, but they have. Makuta, YOU’RE GOING DOWN!

 

OOC IS SERIOUS BUSINESS

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 15: I, Hafu

 

Takua made his way to a crossroad, where an architect was sitting around, carving unfinished signs, which were in the shape of a Mata Nui stone.

 

“The Turaga tells me, Hafu: it’s spelled Mata-Nui with a hyphen when we’re referring to the island, but it’s spelt Mata Nui without a hyphen when we’re referring to the Great Spirit. I, Hafu ask: why? And he doesn’t answer. But I, Hafu guess being a jerk comes with wisdom and being senile…”

 

“Um… hello?”

 

“Hello traveller! Have you come to visit the grandness of Po-Koro, or have you simply come to marvel at my, Hafu’s glorious handiwork?”

 

“Well actually…”

 

“Of course you have! I, Hafu mean, who wouldn’t? I, Hafu am one of the greatest architects who has ever lived! Every one of my, Hafu’s statues has been done by one Matoran… ME, HAFU! Each of them is covered in my, Hafu’s blood, sweat, tears, and other miscellaneous fluids!”

 

“Gross. Anyway…”

 

“Oh I, Hafu didn’t mean it literally! Tis just an expression. You may be wondering… why is my, Hafu’s talent being wasted by working on road signs?”

 

“No, but…”

 

“The answer is simple: it is not! No monument is too big or too small for the legendary Hafu!”

 

“That’s very nice but…”

 

“People from all around Mata-Nui come to drool at my, Hafu’s glorious architecture! I, Hafu am the workman of wonder, the builder of beauty, the craftsman of-“

 

“SHUT UP!”

 

“Oh you’ve heard enough? Interesting. Most times I, Hafu have to ramble on for hours before your average Ta-Matoran gets the general gist of things, but you are different. Especially with that odd blue mask. But don’t worry, when one such as Turaga Onewa tells me, Hafu to shut up, I, Hafu shut up, I, Hafu don’t blabber on about how I’m, Hafu shutting up, for when the mighty Hafu shuts up, he shuts u-where did he go? Guess I, Hafu must have hallucinated him. This desert does mayhem with one’s perception of reality.”

 

Takua overheard this: “Indeed, crazy builder fellow,” he whispered.

 

SHUT UP SHUTTING UP

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 16: The Guard, the Builder and the Salesman

 

Tahu and Onepu exited the tunnel and entered the golden sands of Po-Wahi.

 

“You see over there?” Onepu gestured towards a village on the horizon. “That’s Po-Koro.”

 

“Right.”

 

“OK.”

 

“Um… thanks?”

 

“You’re… welcome?”

 

Onepu scurried back inside, as he did not like being above ground. Tahu began to make his way to Po-Koro. On his way there, he encountered the bizarre builder from before.

 

“I, Hafu mean that intense heat can in fact cause one to become… what’s the word… odd. Well hello there traveller! Are you a hallucination or are you real?”

 

“I’m real you… whatever you are!”

 

“I, Hafu, am a great builder! I, Hafu can build anything! Anything feasibly possible!”

 

You could almost SEE the light-bulb above Tahu's head light up as Hafu said that.

 

“Could you build a boat?”

 

“...Me, Hafu? Legendary architect? Prodigy of Po-Koro? Champion of carvers? Build a BOAT?”

 

“That’s what I just said, you egotistical stone mason. Can you do it?”

 

“OF COURSE! I, Hafu has never built a boat before! I, Hafu don’t even know what a boat is! I, Hafu shall postpone work on these silly yet serious signs, and begin researching a boat!”

 

Hafu rushed of towards Po-Koro. Tahu was about to the same, when he heard something.

 

“HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!”

 

Tahu saw a Po-Matoran frantically waving his arms around like crazy. Tahu went over to see what the problem was.

 

“My friend and I were working in the Quarry when all of a sudden a Rahi appeared and started EATING us!”

 

“Eating? RAHI EAT MATORAN?”

 

“Well I hope not!”

 

“OK, you stay here I’ll-“

 

“NO WAIT! I… have to help my friend as well!”

 

“…Oh alright. Hop on my back.”

 

The Matoran did so and held on for dear life as Tahu used his Golden Mask to emulate the Mask of Speed, but came to a screeching halt when he say the Quarry. There were six statues, each in the shape of a different mask, but no Rahi.

 

“I don’t see any-“

 

CLUNK!

 

Tahu suddenly experienced a sharp blow to the head through a blunt object. When he fell down, he noticed he now had six fingers. Of course that was because he now had three hands but it still counted!

 

“Heheheh, I can’t believe that actually worked!”

 

And everything went black.

 

THE ORDER IS WATCHING

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Part 17: Bizarre Bazaar

 

Takua moseyed on into Po-Koro. He saw lots of people carrying various objects lining up by a bazaar stand which had a sign that said: OUT OF STOCK COME BACK IN 10 MIN.

 

Takua entered a large hut. He reasoned that since both Vakama and Nokama had large huts Onewa would have one too. And he was correct. He found the old geezer mumbling to himself about something or other.

 

“Turaga?”

 

“For the last time Bour, we-oh. It’s you!”

 

“You know me?”

 

“Of course I do! You saved me and the other Turaga from the Rahi, and brought the Toa-“

 

“Oh right, I remember that.” Well not really since the Vakama told him all about it after he lost his memory.

 

“Good! Now, I would advise you leave Po-Wahi immediately. There’s a tunnel to Onu-Koro by the mountains…”

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t know. Whenua places his tunnels in the most awkward spots. Surprised he didn’t build one that lead to my toilet.”

 

“Nononononono, I mean, why should I leave?”

 

“*sigh* You promise not to tell the other villages?”

 

“I promise.”

 

Onewa leaned in very closely. “We’re suffering from an epidemic.”

 

“Epidemic? Of what?”

 

“Antidermis.”

 

“Antidermis?”

 

“Antidermis.”

 

“Antidermis?”

 

“Antidermis.”

 

“Antidermis?”

 

“Antidermis.”

 

“Anti-what IS Antidermis?

 

“The Makuta’s blood. It infects us, and we don’t know how. Soon, we may all be under Makuta’s control, much like the Rahi.”

 

“Why haven’t you told anyone else? They could help you!”

 

“Because… we… don’t want the disease spreading! (I came up with that pretty fast)”

 

“What if-“

 

“Please, leave me alone. I’m busy making beds for the sick.”

 

Takua then left.

 

“*sigh* We’ll never get to war at this rate.”

 

VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER

IT IS THE QUESTION

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 18: Why Keeping Toa Prisoners is a Bad Idea

 

Tahu woke up in a dark, dank and other things beginning with d cave. His Golden Kanohi was missing and he was chained the wall and left dangling down in a crucifix position.

 

“Subtle.”

 

“Ah you’re awake.”

 

“No kidding, you mental midget.”

 

“I prefer the phrase: crazy little person.”

 

“You would.”

 

“Yes, I would. That’s why I prefer it.”

 

“Yes, that’s what I’m saying!”

 

“That’s what I’m saying too! I-what were we arguing about again?”

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“Neither do I.”

 

“I care less than you.”

 

“You could not possibly care less than me since I have no cares in the world.”

 

“You certainly care about asserting you have no cares.”

 

“I am an honest Matoran, so I’m saying I don’t have any cares because it’s the truth.”

 

“Sorry, repeat that.”

 

“I’m honest, so-“

 

“PffffffffftHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Free me first, you clueless carelesser!”

 

“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well I won’t do it. I’m in enough hot water with my boss as it is.”

 

“Boss?”

 

“Yes I-“

 

RING! RING!

 

“Oh speak of the shadow, this is him. Hello?”

 

“YOU-*static*-GET-*static*-PASTURE-*static*-SLAP-*static*-MOTHER-*static*”

 

BEEP!

 

 

 

 

 

 

“…What a piece of Spiriah!”

 

Tahu knew this guy’s boss was clearly the Makuta. He decided to question the guy in order to find out more about him and perhaps discover a weakness.

 

“So, what’s your boss like?”

 

“He’s an insufferable know-it-all. I once said I could barely stand on two legs with the amount he was paying me.”

 

“And what did he do?”

 

“He halved it and said: HOP.”

 

“What’s his evil plan?”

 

“What?”

 

“You know, his goal, his directive, his mission.”

 

“I DON'T know, and my head would probably explode if I did. For some reason he wants to keep you alive, but stopping you from finding the Golden Masks at the same time.”

 

“Anything else?”

 

“His board meetings are the very model of TEDIOUSNESS. He had to tie me to an electric chair just so I would stay awake!”

 

“Did it work?”

 

“Karzahni no. I fell asleep anyway. I had a bizarre dream about a Ga-Matoran poking and prodding me with an electric taser, and then she kissed me. When I woke up I found out it was one of his creepy slug things. I told him to continue and I fell asleep again, hoping to have the same dream.”

 

“Did you?”

 

“Sort of.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

POETRY!

 

“I dreamed I was a two-dimensional stereotype of an evil henchman in a comedic retelling of a toy brand’s storyline in a forum website.”

 

“Where does the electrocution come in?”

 

“There wasn't. He ran out of juice.”

 

“Did he replace the batteries?”

 

“If by batteries you mean his drink then yes. He was getting a refill so he couldn't shock me anymore.”

 

“He drinks juice?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What kind of juice?”

 

“EVIL juice.”

 

“I don’t believe you.”

 

“OK you got me. He drinks hate.”

 

“Still don’t believe you.”

 

“Fine, it’s his own blood.”

 

“He’s a self-vampire?”

 

“No, but considering he refuses to turn the light on in his lair he might as well be.”

 

“OK, I’m getting out of here now.”

 

“You can’t. Those chains can survive 10000000000000 degrees.”

 

“Celsius or Fahrenheit?”

 

“WHO CARES?! It’s still a lot of degrees. You could bake a pie cake a zillion times with those degrees.”

 

“Zillion isn’t a word.”

 

“No, it’s a number. Now shut up! I have to go and poison the population of my home village, bye now! And don’t set fire to the place.”

 

“Oh I won’t…”

 

THE ODD COUPLE

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Pie?  Pie?  Did somebody say pie???

No, no they did not. They said cake.

 

Part 19: Elementary, My Dear Takua

 

Takua realised that something sinister was going on here. He went to one of the marked houses of the sick to ask questions.

 

“Who the Karzahni are you?”

 

“I’m a detective (as far as you know). I would like to ask you a few questions.”

 

“Leak off!”

 

“I’m not leaving until you agree.”

 

“Fine.”

 

“What is your name?”

 

“Hewkii.”

 

“Profession?”

 

“Koli player.”

 

“Gender?”

 

“Female.”

 

“Really?”

 

“OF COURSE NOT YOU MORON!”

 

“*sigh*” Takua shut the door and left the idiot to his own devices.

 

He went over to where the Po-Matoran play Koli. There was nobody there, except for a few balls, which were leaking a strange sort of green liquid, which evaporated into green smoke as soon as it touched the ground. According to the label, they were Comet Balls.

 

Takua looked for the stand he saw before and saw that the man who ran it was back. There was also a little screw on the table that wasn’t there before. That was the only clue he had. He had to use a distraction in order to get it.

 

“Look, a distraction!”

 

“Where? I don’t see any-dagnabit.”

 

Takua dashed out of Po-Koro and went to see Hafu.

 

“Do you recognize this screw?”

 

“Yes! It is the missing piece of the Kaukau statue in the Quarry!”

 

“The missing what of the what statue in the what?”

 

“I, Hafu will show you. As the supreme sculptor, it is my, Hafu’s duty to ensure that the statue is returned to its former glorious glory!”

 

“Doesn’t the fact it has glory automatically make it glorious?”

 

“Don’t question my logic.”

 

“Oh alright-wait, your verbal tic is gone!”

 

“What?”

 

“You said, don’t question my logic. You didn’t add Hafu to the my!”

 

“I, Hafu, do not understand what you mean.”

 

“You add your name to words such as I, me, and my.”

 

“I, Hafu do not.”

 

“You just did!”

 

“I, Hafu do?”

 

“YES!”

 

“I, Hafu do not believe you. I, Hafu am perfect. I, Hafu cannot have a verbal tic, I, Hafu-“

 

“I liked it better when you, Hafu were quiet.”

 

HASHTAGWENTTHERE

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Part 20: Three Toa and Three Matoran

 

Takua and Hafu came to the quarry. There were six statues, each in the shape of a Kanohi.

 

“There it is!” Hafu gestured towards the statue of the Mask of Water Breathing. The two rushed over to it. Takua noticed that there was a missing piece that this statue didn’t have but all the others did. And it was in the shape of the screw he had in his pocket dimension on his back. No seriously, they all have that. Watch Mask of Light and/or Legends of Metru Nui if you don’t believe me.

 

Anyway, Takua inserted the screw into the statue. It then slid up the side of the rocks, revealing a secret entrance to an underground cave. It was dark, and green liquid was leaking out of the walls.

 

“OK, let’s go.”

 

“I, Hafu am not going down there.”

 

“Why not, you scared?”

 

“I, Hafu am not scared. It is just that my, Hafu’s legs have suddenly turned to jelly.”

 

“Come on.”

 

Takua and Hafu entered the tunnel, but not before a figure saw them enter and went after them.

 

Takua took out a Lightstone to see through the tunnel, as the further down they went the darker it got. They heard the growling, of… something. Hafu leapt onto Takua’s back.

 

“Why are you on my back?”

 

“It is hard to walk when you, Hafu have legs of jelly.”

 

Then they heard something like this:

 

“Shut the Karzahni up, you overgrown scorpion!”

 

Takua (and by extension, Hafu) rushed out and came to a large round room, and on the left side of the room.

 

“Who are you?”

 

“Who are you?”

 

“Who am I?”

 

“Who is he?”

 

“Who is me?”

 

“YOU!”

 

“Yes, I guessed that.”

 

Hahli leapt out of the shadows, pinned Takua to the ground, knocking off Hafu and started punching him.

 

“GIVE! ME! BACK! MY! LIGHT! STONE! SO! I! CAN! STOP! PUNCHING! YOU!”

 

“OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!”

 

GROWL!

 

Hafu leapt onto Hahli’s back this time.

 

“Get off me.”

 

“NO. I, HAFU AM SCARED OF GROWLING NOISES!”

 

“I’VE HAD TO PUT UP WITH IT FOR TWENTY WHOLE MINUTES; YOU’VE ONLY HAD TO DEAL WITH IT FOR ONE!!!”

 

“HIM GET OFF YOU? GET OFF ME!”

 

“GIVE ME BACK MY LIGHTSTONE YOU DIRTY LITTLE THIEF!”

 

GROWL!

 

“WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!!!”

 

A tall brown figure entered the room. Followed by Gali.

 

“Couldn’t have we have settled that quietly?”

 

“We could have, but that was far more satisfying.”

 

“Gali? Who’s this?”

 

“Who is he? Who are those three? I think I've seen two of them before...”

 

“I don’t know!”

 

“You know me, Hafu!”

 

“(Shut up Hafu!) Seriously, I don’t know him.”

 

“But you do!”

 

“What’s my name?”

 

“You never said.”

 

“If he doesn’t know my name, I don’t know him.”

 

“Are you guys for real?”

 

GROWL!

 

A Nui-Jaga came out of the dark corner. He was ticked off at the amount of people who weren’t his master’s minion in his cave.

 

GROWL!

 

“Oh no.”

 

“Oh yes!”

 

“Oh fiddle.”

 

“Oh crud!”

 

“OH HOLY MOLY!”

 

“OH SHUT THE KARZAHNI UP!”

 

The brown guy rushed towards the Jaga but it spat in his eyes, blinding him.

 

“I can’t see!” He started kicking around, hoping to hit the Jaga, but was hitting some Comet Balls littered around the floor. Takua then had an idea.

 

“To the right!” He did so, and a Comet Ball hit the Jaga right in the face. “To the left!” He kicked to the left and a ball went flying, bounced off the wall and clunked the Jaga right on the head.

 

CLUNK!

 

The Jaga had enough and started advancing forward. It was about to hit the brown man when Gali sprayed a jet of water on its eyes, blinding it. Hahli and Hafu then pulled off the Infected Kanohi off the Jaga’s arms. It then started acting like a cat and crawled back into the corner.

 

“Did we win?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“High five!”

 

“We’re over here moron.”

 

“I’m blind, you idiot.”

 

Gali pressed a button on the side of the wall which released Tahu from his chains. Hahli found Tahu’s Golden Mask lying on the floor and gave it back to him, and he put it back on. Suddenly his vision was less… blurry.

 

“OK, you want to explain to me what you were doing tied in chains in a cave?”

 

“I’ll explain it once we get out of here. It’s dark.”

 

“None of you will be going anywhere.”

 

A certain someone was standing by the entrance.

 

“Watch out, he’s got a gun!”

 

“Where?”

 

“In his hands, numb-nuts.”

 

“I’M BLIND!”

 

“So? Even you should know that it would be in his hands. Common sense.”

 

“Look behind you! A distraction!”

 

“Where?”

 

“Where?”

 

“Where?”

 

“Where?”

 

“Where?”

 

“I just said where and that was meant for him.”

 

“Oh please, do you really think I’m dumb enough for the same trick to work twice?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Nobody can best me! Not at anything! Not lying, not cheating, and certainly not carving!”

 

“What did you say?”

 

“I said I was-“

 

“Better than I, Hafu? I DON’T THINK SO!!!”

 

Hafu leapt towards him snatched the gun away and started pounding him to the ground. Meanwhile the cave started collapsing for no real reason.

 

Everyone made a mad dash for the exit, even the Jaga. They all made it out in time except for Makuta’s minion.

 

“My vision is restored!”

 

“Well whoop-de-do.”

 

“I, Hafu must go back and continue work on the road signs. Your boat is waiting by Pekka’s shop by the seaside.” And so Hafu left.

 

“Boat? Why not swim?”

 

“Swim? That doesn’t sound entirely safe… let’s use the boat instead.”

 

“You have been overruled by the majority. That’s going to happen a lot, I can tell.”

 

“Did you see where Takua went?”

 

“No.”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Who?”

 

“He still has my Lightstone. I will find him! And when I do…” Hahli left in a huff.

 

“So where have you been?”

 

“Looking for you! It was mere coincidence that I found Pohatu here!”

 

“Hello!”

 

“Well, now we can go get your masks.”

 

“What about my masks? Might as well while we’re here.”

 

“I promised Gali that after we found mine, we would find hers. You can stay here and find yours by yourself.”

 

“He can’t do it alone! You could barely do it alone!”

 

“Well, there are three of us. What, is a fourth going to MAGICALLY appear in front of our very-“

 

Suddenly, the statue of the Mask of Strength collapsed. A black Toa suddenly burst out of it.

 

“Whoops. I knew I should have taken that left turn at the Lightstone mine.”

 

SHOULD IT TECHNICALLY BE 4

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 21: Mission Report

 

Underneath the rubble, something stirred…

 

*BZZT*BZZT*BZZT*

 

“*static*-AHK-*static*-REPOR-*static*-WHAT THE K-*static*-PPEND?”

 

“Well… *cough* the other Toa arrived, the-“

 

“I KNOW, I SAW THIS THROUGH THE EYES OF THE NUI-JAGA.”

 

“Then… why are you asking *cough* me what happened?”

 

“BECAUSE WHEN THE INFECTED KANOHI COME OFF THE RAHI, I AM UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH IT OR CONTROL IT ANYMORE.”

 

“Oh… you could *cough* have just said that…”

 

“WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS?”

 

“I arrived with that gun you gave me, the crazy egotistical builder guy assaulted me-“

 

“WHY DIDN’T YOU USE THE GUN?!”

 

“*cough* You didn’t tell me how to use it…”

 

“…YOU DISGUST ME. CONTINUE.”

 

“Then the cave started falling apart. They made it out… I didn’t.”

 

“THE KANOHI? THE GOLDEN KANOHI! WHERE IS IT!!!”

 

“Last I saw *cough* it was *cough* on the *cough* Fire Toa’s face…”

 

“…”

 

“Boss?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME AHKMOU.”

 

“What?”

 

*BZZT…*

 

WELCOME TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 22: POW!

 

“Do-do-do-do-do…”

 

Takua burst into the room. “Turaga! You must help me!”

 

“What are you babbling about?”

 

“I’m being chased by a Ga-Matoran!”

 

“…So what do you need help with?”

 

“SHE’S CRAZY!!!”

 

“SO IS EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS BLASTED ISLAND EXCEPT ME! AND I KNOW EVERYBODY ELSE THINKS THAT, BUT THEY ARE CRAZY, AND I AM THE ONLY SANE ONE! Now kindly leave me alone, so I can wipe Ta-Koro from the face of Mata-Nui.”

 

“Fine.” Takua left. Then he came back. “WHAT?!”

 

“Oh crud I didn’t mean to say that. Um… you can’t leave now. Sorry.”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“Nothing personal, you’ll be a… prisoner of war. A POW.”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“And stop saying WHAT?! It’s irritating.”

 

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!”

 

“That doesn’t count as not saying it. You merely drew out the A longer. A lot longer.”

 

“WHA-“

 

CLUNK!

 

“Gotcha, ya lousy excuse for a detective!”

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t you start!”

 

PO-MATORAN WARFARE 101

HIT YOUR OPPONENT ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A BLUNT OBJECT

CLASS DISMISSED

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Part 23: And Then There Were Four

 

“Who are you?”

 

“I am Onua, Toa of Earth.”

 

“Earth?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Isn’t that the same as Stone?”

 

“No, because… because…”

 

“You can’t think of anything, can you?”

 

“It’ll come to me in a minute.”

 

“I’m not the same as him! He’s a hunchback!”

 

“Well you’re fat!”

 

“What?”

 

“You are fat. The lower part of your torso is wider than the top, ergo, YOU ARE FAT!”

 

“I AM NOT FAT!”

 

“YOU ARE FAT!”

 

“AM NOT!”

 

“ARE TOO!”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“You shut up!”

 

“No you!”

 

“MAKE ME!”

 

“I WAS TALKING TO HIM!”

 

“WELL I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU!”

 

“YES YOU WERE!”

 

“SHUT YOUR PIE CAKE HOLE!”

 

“Shush, shush shush shush shush. Indoor voices.”

 

“WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT!”

 

“Surrounded by rock?”

 

“THERE’S A HOLE!”

 

“It’s… obviously some kind of amphitheater.”

 

“IT’S A QUARRY!”

 

“No it’s not.”

 

“There’s no sign of any mining here.”

 

“Oh. Nevermind. The person who told me this was a quarry was a lying scallop.”

 

“Scallop?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“No, I wasn’t questioning the fact he was a scallop, I was questioning why you were using something as absurd as a scallop.”

 

“I was going to say scumbag but… I thought you would find that offensive. You know, since you are one.”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“Are you trying to anger one another?”

 

“YES!”

 

“YES!”

 

“MAYBE!”

 

Tahu and Pohatu stared at Onua questioningly.

 

“I mean YES!”

 

“What are you even doing here?”

 

“I am trying to find my Masks of Power. Which is what you SHOULD be doing, instead of sitting around in this lame excuse for a quarry! Seriously, there’s no mining equipment anywhere, just statues.”

 

“I found mine. LOOK AT MY GLORIOUS GOLDEN MASK!”

 

“I was referring to the two of them.”

 

“It’s not my fault! He promised to come with me to help but he runs off because he’s afraid of getting wet!”

 

“It’s probably hydrophobia.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Fear of water. It’s a real mental condition.”

 

“How do you know this?”

 

“I’ve been procrastinating a little.”

 

“I am not scared of water.”

 

“ARE TOO!”

 

“Oh Mata Nui… listen. Tahu, you stay here with Pohatu and gather his masks, Onua you come with me, and help me get my masks. I assume you’ve already collected some?”

 

“No. Like I said, I have been procrastinating. The Onu-Matoran doesn’t even know I’ve arrived yet.”

 

“Then how did you learn about hydrophobia?”

 

“I HAVE BEEN PROCRASTINATING. MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX WOMAN!”

 

SORRY ABOUT THERE BEING NO UPDATE YESTERDAY

YOU WILL HAVE 2 PARTS TODAY TO MAKE UP FOR IT

NEXT PART COMES LATER

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Part 24: Breaking Point

 

“Ahem. Is this thing on?”

 

“Yes Turaga.”

 

“Is it?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes. It must be, because your voice and mine is coming out of the speakers.”

 

“OK. People of Po-Koro. As you know, life sucks right about now. True, the disease is beginning to clear up, but because of this, I fear the Makuta will up the ante on his Rahi attacks.

 

Vakama, Turaga of Ta-Koro has done nothing to improve the situation. He keeps saying: ooh, wait for the Toa to arrive! Well they haven’t!

 

I have said time and time again that we should just go knocking on Makuta’s door right now, give him the notice of eviction and let the boot kick him on the way out. Vakama and the other Turaga have vetoed this plan time and time again, and look where that’s got us.

 

For the good of Mata-Nui, and of Matoran everywhere, we must… lower Vakama’s position. No longer will we listen to the decrees of a man who obviously fell off his rocker a very, very long time ago. We will storm Ta-Koro, capture Vakama and put him in an asylum somewhere. Yes Pekka?”

 

“There are no asylums Turaga.”

 

“Oh, there's one. We shall enter Ta-Koro via the Onu-Koro tunnels and take them by surprise, as trying to enter via the bridge would result in a massacre. Lava and all that.”

 

“Wouldn’t the Onu-Matoran get jumpy about an army travelling through their tunnels?”

 

“We’ll tell them we’re trading weapons. En masse.”

 

There was a lot of murmurs and whispers throughout the crowd.

 

“OK, it’s not the best plan ever. Ta-Koro has the greatest army on Mata-Nui, but they won’t be expecting to fight other Matoran! Who’s with me?!”

 

There was an overwhelming cry of “I!” and then one “Hafu!”

 

“Then let the salvation of the Matoran BEGIN!”

 

THIS IS WHAT MAKUTA WANTS

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 25: Are We There Yet?

 

Tahu and Pohatu started scouring the desert for the Great Masks.

 

“Have you found one?”

 

“No.”

 

“Now?”

 

“NO.”

 

“Now?”

 

“NO!”

 

“Now?”

 

“NO!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“…Now?”

 

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-“

 

“OK, OK, sheesh. So you’ve got lungs.”

 

“OF COURSE I HAVE LUNGS! YOU HAVE LUNGS!”

 

“Well, not complete lungs.”

 

“What?”

 

“When I was coming together after I came out of my canister, my lungs were exposed, and a bird… took a bite out of them.”

 

“…That’s disgusting!”

 

“I KNOW, right? The only reason I’m still alive is because it was a small bird, and thus only had room for a nibble.”

 

“…That’s still disgusting.”

 

“I’m not disagreeing with you, I’m saying-ARGH!”

 

Pohatu fell into a crack because he wasn’t looking at where he was going.

 

“OW.”

 

“WOW.”

 

“No, OW. Because I’m in pain.”

 

“I was saying WOW because I was astonished at how you managed to fall in there-DON’T MOVE.”

 

“ME TOO.”

 

HISS!

 

“…There’s something bad behind me isn’t there?”

 

BONK!

 

Pohatu was propelled through the air by the blow of a Sand Tarakava.

 

“MORON.”

 

Tahu leapt into the crack and ignited his Fire Sword.

 

BONK!

 

Tahu joined Pohatu.

 

“SCRATCH THAT. MORONS. PLURAL.”

 

LOOK UP POHATUS ARRIVAL FOR THE FULL STORY OF POHATUS LUNGS

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 26: Just When You Thought They Were Going Out on the Water

 

Meanwhile, Gali and Onua were preparing to venture of towards Ga-Wahi. There was just one problem-

 

“Neither of us knows how to use this, do we?”

 

“Well I was about to read a manual on boating after I finished the one describing our destiny and the whole Golden Masks thing, but I decided to do something else instead.”

 

“What was that?”

 

“MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!”

 

“Oh PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IT WAS?!”

 

Daww....

 

“Fine. It was a manual on MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS!”

 

“Hmph.”

 

“Seriously, that’s what it said. It gave instructions on how to manage a business.”

 

“Alright, alright. So, we can’t sail to Ga-Wahi, and we can’t go through the Lands of Shadow.”

 

“Rahi Zones.”

 

“Whatever. *sigh*. We’ll go to Onu-Wahi and search for your masks instead.”

 

“There’s an elevator in Onu-Koro that leads to the surface. We can get to Onu-Wahi from there. The problem is the whole of Onu-Wahi is a Rahi Zone. No Onu-Matoran has stood on the surface for year.”

 

“Where did you learn that?”

 

“Why Going To The Surface Is A Dumb Idea: The Book.”

 

“…Of course. Well, we better get going then.”

 

“One problem.”

 

“What?”

 

“We’ve drifted out to sea while we’ve been talking.”

 

“…Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?”

 

“I didn’t want to interrupt you.”

 

“You didn’t want to-fine. Fine. I’ll just get out, and push the boat back to the shore.”

 

Gali leapt into the water and tried to push the boat against the current, only to find it was far too big and heavy for her.

 

“It’s no use!”

 

“SHUT UP!”

 

“I’m just pointing out the obvious.”

 

“I was really angered by that and… I don’t know why. Except the fact that perhaps I’m blue…”

 

“What do you mean, perhaps? YOU ARE BLUE!”

 

“I KNOW!”

 

“THEN WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?”

 

“I DON’T KNOW! YOU STARTED IT!”

 

“I DID NOT!”

 

“DON’T START THIS AGAI-“

 

Gali was then suddenly pulled underwater by… something.

 

“…Oh dear.”

 

DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUN

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 27: War Is Pointless, Case In Point

 

“Ugh… my head… it’s as if a train came through one end, and then came out the other.”

 

“I, Hafu can tell that is not true. I, Hafu was watching you the whole time and no train went through your cranium.”

 

“OH MATA NUI DON'T LEAVE ME AT THE MERCY OF THIS CRAZY INSUFFERABLE NARCISSISTIC BOZO! HAVE MERCY UPON ME AND PUT ME AT YOUR MERCY, OR BETTER YET MY OWN! *sob*”

 

“He cannot hear you. He’s asleep, remember?”

 

“Where am I?”

 

“Well, Onewa assigned me, Hafu to guard you while he goes to conquer Ta-Koro travelling through the Onu-Matoran tunnels, and since I, Hafu terribly behind schedule on the road signs after building the Toa a boat, I, Haf-oh dear.”

 

“Oh so NOW you realized that you’ve brought me to your place of work, in the middle of desert where everyone can see, and didn’t even bother to restrain me in any way, shape or form?”

 

“Not that (although that is a good point).”

 

“Then what is it then?”

 

“Onewa called the plan to attack the Ta-Matoran the Final Solution. The Toa are the penultimate solution.”

 

“So?”

 

Hafu grabbed Takua by the throat and started shaking him.

 

“THE TURAGA DOESN’T KNOW THAT THE TOA HAVE ARRIVED! I, HAFU FORGOT TO TELL HIM! IF THE TOA HAVE COME, THEN THERE IS NO NEED TO ATTACK TA-KORO! We, Hafu and whatsyourname have to warn him immediately!”

 

Hafu put Takua down and started running towards the entrance to Onu-Koro.

 

“OK… Just… Five minutes… So I can get my grip on reality back…”

 

Hafu came back.

 

“What is this thing you call, reality?”

 

“I thought it might be an abstract concept to you.”

 

HE DOES NOT MINCE HIS WORDS DOES HE

HE BETTER SHUT UP OR HAFU WILL MAKE MINCEMEAT OF HIM

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Part 28: In Which Bad Stuff Happens

 

Turaga Onewa led an army of Po-Matoran into the central hub of Onu-Koro.

 

“HALT! Who goes there?”

 

“Us.”

 

“Who?”

 

“US!”

 

“WHO?”

 

“YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE!”

 

“Yes, but I need to know who goes there?”

 

“US!!!”

 

“YES BUT WHO?!”

 

“Oh for the love of-we are Po-Matoran, we are making a mass trade to Ta-Koro.”

 

“What are you trading?”

 

“…Is that not obvious?”

 

For context, all the Po-Matoran are carrying weapons.

 

“Very well. You are free to enter the Ta-Koro tunnel. I will inform Turaga Whenua.”

 

The Po-Matoran marched off towards the tunnel that led to Ta-Koro.

 

“OK, we have to hurry.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Whenua will probably deduce that we are assaulting Ta-Koro and will probably try to blow up the tunnel. Probably.”

 

Meanwhile, Takua and Hafu entered the Onu-Koro tunnel in Po-Wahi.

 

“YES! We, Hafu and whatsyourname have-“

 

“I KNOW! I CAN SEE! SHUT THE KARZAHNI UP!”

 

Meanwhile… (again)

 

“Turaga, Onewa and a large host of Po-Matoran-“

 

“Host?”

 

“-just entered the Ta-Koro tunnel. They said they were trading weapons.”

 

“Onewa never goes on any Po-Koro business ventures. He is too lazy for that. This is no trade. It is a war.”

 

“WAR?!”

 

“That is what I said, you mentally challenged purple berry. Prepare the tunnels for emergency demolition. Detonate the charges.”

 

“Sir, that would destroy all the tunnels-“

 

“There is no time.”

 

Meanwhile… (again (again))

 

“I don’t know but I’ve been told…”

 

“I don’t know but I’ve been told…”

 

“Ko-Wahi is super cold…”

 

“Ko-Wahi is super cold…”

 

Meanwhile… (again (again again))) Onepu rushed into Nuparu’s hut, the home of the local inventor. He wasn’t in at the moment, so he helped himself to the Tunnel-Destruct button in the middle of his desk.

 

BOOM!

 

“I don’t know but it’s been said-“

 

The way in front of them collapsed, as did the way behind them. The same thing happened to Takua, Hafu and Hahli as she chased after them, and to the workers in the unfinished Le-Wahi tunnel.

 

They were trapped.

 

One good thing happened though. The tremors caused by the destruction of the tunnels shook the ground throughout the island, toppling the Sand Tarakava that was harassing Tahu and Pohatu over.

 

“SON OF A-“

 

Quiet. Tahu got off Pohatu, and Pohatu got off Tahu.

 

“…I’m taking credit for that.”

 

“Not a chance.”

 

NO CHANCE

NO CHANCE IN KARZAHNI

YOU GOT

NO CHANCE

NO CHANCE IN KARZAHNI

YOU GOT

NO CHANCE

NO CHANCE IN KARZAHNI

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 29: Ever Notice We Focus on the Villains More Than We Should? Good, Me Neither

 

It’s hard to see underwater when you’ve just been dragged down, but only for a few seconds. This is what happened to Gali, before she suddenly began to regain vision. There was an unbearable pain in her right leg. Firing a blast of scalding hot water at the creature biting at it, she was able to escape.

 

“NOT AMUSED. NOT AMUSED AT ALL.”

 

“Atall? Who is atall?”

 

“HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?”

 

“I remember the password, P, A, S, S, W, O-

 

“DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? YOU’RE FIRED! AWAY, BEFORE I MAKE MINCEMEAT OF YOU.”

 

“That sounds delicious…”

 

“WHAT!?”

 

“I would like this feeble piece of meat for dinner tonight, father.”

 

Meanwhile, Gali leapt out of the water and back onto the boat.

 

“Quick, start the boat!”

 

“I told you, neither of us knows how!”

 

“Try pressing the switch that says STARTER.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Onua did so, and they sped off towards the Ga-Wahi coastline. Without Makuta’s guidance (you know, since he was dealing with the idiot) the sea monster was disorientated, but nonetheless went after the boat anyway.

 

“ARE YOU HIGH?”

 

“I’m only level three.”

 

“OH… GET OFF HIM.”

 

“Yes, my father.”

 

A slug-like creature leapt off the back of Ahkmou’s leg. Suddenly he had the biomechanical equivalent of a hangover.

 

“Ohhh…”

 

“WHY ARE YOU HERE?”

 

The monster rose to the surface and started trying to take bites out of the boat but missed each time, because Onua was trying (trying being the key word here) to steer.

 

“I came to… ugh…”

 

“YOU’RE FIRED, REMEMBER?!”

 

“What?! You can’t fire me, I quit!”

 

“NO, THERE’S NOTHING FOR YOU TO QUIT FROM!”

 

“So I’m NOT fired then?”

 

“YES YOU ARE!”

 

“Then I quit!”

 

“YOU CAN’T QUIT BECAUSE I’VE ALREADY FIRED YOU!”

 

“Not yet you haven’t. You haven’t presented a pink slip, or given a reason to fire me. This is firing 101 here.”

 

“…ARE YOU REALLY THIS STUPID? PINK SLIPS? WHY WOULD I HAVE SOMETHING PINK? I’M TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE!!!”

 

“So?”

 

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU UNLESS YOU LEAVE WITHIN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS.”

 

“Look, I know I screwed up! Give me one more chance, please?”

 

“FINE. YOU WILL STOP THE TOA FROM RETRIEVING THE GOLDEN MASKS. NON-LETHALLY.”

 

“Whew! Thank you! You truly are merciful!”

 

“OH I BET YOU SAY THAT TO ALL THE LUNATICS YOU KNOW.”

 

IF YOU ARE READING THIS IN ENGLISH AND NOT THE MATORAN LANGUAGE IT MEANS YOU ARE CHEATING

DOWNLOAD THE MATORAN FONT FROM www.fonts2u.com/matoran.font AND DONT COME BACK UNTIL YOU HAVE

ONLY THEN CAN YOU REGAIN YOUR HONOUR

 

REPROBATES

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 30: Who Disturbed the Legions of Doom?

 

The creature lunged forward and managed to swallow the turbine of Gali’s and Onua’s boat.

 

“We’ve lost engine 1!”

 

“…We only have one engine. And that was the turbine.”

 

“I know. I just wanted to say that.”

 

“I suppose engine 2 is no longer on fire…”

 

Meanwhile, Takua and Hafu were caved in inside the Po-Wahi tunnel that led to Onu-Koro.

 

“This is your fault!”

 

“It is not my, Hafu’s fault, it is yours!”

 

“I couldn’t agree more.”

 

Suddenly Hahli leapt out of the shadows and pinned down Takua and started punching him. Again.

 

“YOU. DIRTY. LITTLE. THIEF!”

 

“We-OW-are-OW-the-OW!-same-OW-SIZE!!!-OW!”

 

“Left hook! Right to the jaw I, Hafu say!”

 

“SHUT-OW!-UP!”

 

“YOU. SHUT. UP!”

 

Suddenly a Kofu-Jaga leapt out from under the ground and pinned Hafu to the ground.

 

SCREECH!

 

Kofu-Jaga are not to be confused with Nui-Jaga. While similar in shape, the Kofu is smaller than the Nui and has different colours.

 

“Well Turaga, I activated the tunnel-destruct.”

 

“Excellent work.”

 

Suddenly there was knocking on the door.

 

“The Guildmasters are here. And at the worst possible time.”

 

“IT’S NOT THE GUILDMASTERS YOU OLD FOOL! IT’S ME!”

 

“It is worse. Let him in.”

 

Onepu opened the door and let Nuparu in.

 

“YOU IMBECILES! YOU BLOATED IDIOTS!”

 

“Now hang on tinkerer, you’re talking to the Tura-“

 

Nuparu grabbed Onepu by the throat and pinned him against the wall.

 

“Listen to me. You brainless spineless worm.”

 

“Kindly put Onepu down, Nuparu.”

 

He did so and started stomping towards Whenua.

 

“I’ve told you. I told you before. If I told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, THE DESTRUCT BUTTON IS NOT TO BE PRESSED IF YOU VALUE THE LIVES OF EVERYONE IN ONU-KORO!!!”

 

Meanwhile (yet again)…

 

“Well, what did I tell you?”

 

“I wasn’t arguing Turaga!”

 

“Whenua blew the tunnel charges. Now we’re trapped in here, until either he or Vakama digs us out and we’ll have to explain ourselves.”

 

“You mean YOU will explain yourself.”

 

“What?”

 

“This was your plan, wasn’t it?”

 

“YOU’LL GET DONE IN TOO FOR BEING ACCOMPLICES! YOU ALL WILL!!!”

 

“Not if we say we were blackmailed.”

 

“You were blackmailed by an OLD MAN?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“…So about our explanation…”

 

Hordes of Kofu-Jaga started bursting out of the wall, floor and ceiling.

 

“IT CAN WAIT, CAN IT?!”

 

“YES IT CERTAINLY CAN!!!”

 

SCREECH!

 

SCREECH!!

 

SCREECH!!!

 

“I do not understand what you are getting so worked up about.”

 

“I told you all of this BEFORE! The destruction of the tunnels would disturb the underground nests of Kofu-Jaga! WE’RE DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED I TELL YOU! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMEED!!!”

 

“You are over-reacting Nuparu…”

 

“AND YOU ARE UNDER-REACTING!!!”

 

“To be honest, that’s probably the only noticeable personality traits you two have.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“SHUT UP!!!”

 

“Told you so.”

 

The Kofu-Jaga started chewing on Hafu’s mask, getting slobber all over it, until Hahli kicked it away a few yards. This ticked off the other Jaga standing behind her.

 

SCREECH!

 

“LISTEN TO ME!!!”

 

“It’s kind of hard not to when you’re constantly yelling everything…”

 

“I HEARD THAT!!!”

 

“Of course you did. I heard it too.”

 

“NOBODY CARES!”

 

“Well I care.”

 

“SHUT UP THE KARZAHNI UP, YOU MISERABLE SPIRIAH OF A SOLDIER!!! There may be a way to fix this!”

 

“I agree. Blame Onepu.”

 

“What?!”

 

“You were the one who pressed the destruct button.”

 

“On your orders, oh wise and benevolent Turaga.”

 

“YOU’RE BOTH TO BLAME, SHUT UP!”

 

“You were the one who built the destruct button.”

 

“On your orders, oh wise and-“

 

“SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!”

 

Then the Guildmasters came in. One of them opened his mouth to speak.

 

“Let me guess. You are going to ask whether or not this is a bad time to discuss the current issues facing our beloved city.”

 

The Guildmasters nodded.

 

“GET OUT YOU FEEBLE USELESS POLITICIANS! OUT! OUT! OUT! Before I knock you silly!”

 

They did so. Meanwhile…

 

“They outnumber us sir!”

 

SCREECH!

 

“I DON’T GIVE A BRAKAS’ RECTUM!”

 

“That’s disgusting.”

 

“SHUT IT!”

 

Meanwhile…

 

“AH!!! GET IT OFF ME, HAFU!”

 

“I’M NOT HAFU I’M HAHLI-OW!”

 

“OW!-HE HAS AN IRRITATING HABIT OF REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD-PERSON!”

 

“AT LEAST HE’S NOT A KLEPTOMANIAC! LIKE YOU!”

 

“I, Hafu will have you know I, Hafu am an EGOmaniac.”

 

“I AM NOT A KLEPTOMANIAC!!!”

 

Meanwhi-you know the procedure.

 

The Jaga are frightened by loud noises. If we yell over the loudspeaker (which still should be connected in each tunnel) we can repel the Jaga back to their nests!”

 

“What if this doesn’t work?”

 

“ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY GENIUS?!”

 

“*whimper* …N-n-no…”

 

“THEN LET US BEGIN!”

 

“Here. Speak into this microphone; I’ve turned the volume to maximum. And hurry. The Guildmasters are being harassed by the Jaga.”

 

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

 

“From my perspective, yes. From a moral perspective, no.”

 

“*deep breath*”

 

EDITOR’S NOTE: What Nuparu screamed over the microphone is so loud; we cannot begin to describe it or write it. So, while you try to imagine just how loud it truly was, watch this short film:

 

 

“Could the man have been any louder?”

 

NO

NO HE COULD NOT

Edited by Toru Nui
  • Upvote 1

:infected:

 

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Part 31: Smooth Criminal

 

“Oh come on, just a teeny little bit of credit?”

 

“No.”

 

“I’ll say you helped!”

 

“No!”

 

“What about-“

 

“No, no and no!”

 

“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFine…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So… how did you find your first mask?”

 

“I fell over it.”

 

“Oh don’t act so modest, I mean, you don’t just FALL over-OOF!”

 

Pohatu fell over a mask.

 

“You were saying?”

 

“I hate you already.”

 

He picked the mask behind him and they went on. Three miles later they came across a stone formation in the shape on an arch. Using the powers of the Mask of X-Ray Vision, Tahu saw that inside the arch was a mask.

 

“OK, can you break this down?”

 

“Hmph. Can I?”

 

“…Well can y-“

 

“YES!”

 

Pohatu walked along, shaking the ground as he went. He kicked a small boulder towards the arch. It rebounded off the sides of the arch, until it fell beside Pohatu.

 

“Well that did nothing.”

 

“You might want to step back.” Pohatu then did a Michael Jackson moonwalk. The arch then crumbled.

 

“…That was just showing off.”

 

YOUVE BEEN HIT BY

YOUVE BEEN HIT BY

YOUVE BEEN HIT BY

Edited by Toru Nui
  • Upvote 2

:infected:

 

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