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BIONICLE 2001 Abridged


Toru Nui

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Part 32: Fun With Words

 

Gali and Onua finally made it to Ga-Wahi. Specifically the stormy rainy part of Ga-Wahi. They hid their boat among some rocks and started moving along.

 

“Well I guess that sea monster used up its mileage.”

 

“It was a living being.”

 

“Well it was also a monster. As in “monster truck”. Ay? Ay?”

 

“That’s not funny.”

 

“…No sense of humour.”

 

A large spire of rocks then fell over and almost crushed them.

 

“That was close. So, how about YOU tell a joke?”

 

Another fell down, right behind them.

 

“Two people walk into a bar; you would have thought the second one would have ducked.”

 

“…I don’t get it.”

 

They walked over yet another pillar of rocks that had fallen down a few seconds ago.

 

“It’s not a bar, where you drink, it’s an actual bar. Barring any other definitions of bar.”

 

“You’re a bar-I mean bore.”

 

“YOU’RE BEGINNING TO BORE ME TOA. ALRIGHT, STOP PUSHING THE PILLARS OVER, I’VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.”

 

A Fikou then came out of the ground. They were the ones pushing the pillars over. Then more came out. And more. And more. AND MORE.

 

“Uh oh.”

 

“…98, 99… 100. WE’RE DOOMED.”

 

“I’M NOT GOING TO BUTTER THIS UP; YOU MAY HAVE TO BATTER UP, MY FIKOU WILL RIP OUT YOUR BLADDER, COMPARED TO BEING CRUSHED THAT’S BADDER! HAKAKAHAHAKAKAKKAAHAHHAHAHAKKAKAKAH!”

 

BUTTER

BATTER

BLADDER

BADDER

HE MISSED OUT BLASTER

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 33: A Judge Judges, a Prosecutor Prosecutes, a Witness Witnesses and a Defendant Wets Himself

 

“Read the charges.”

 

“Turaga Onewa, you are accused of attempting to invade local Koro, Ta-Koro, breaking our eternal peace with one another. How do you plead?”

 

“I plead that you actually think what you have to say matters, or you are all wasting my time.”

 

“Hear hear!”

 

“WE HEARD IT AND WE DON’T GIVE A BRAKAS’ RECTUM!”

 

“I refuse to believe that’s a common saying.”

 

“Silence. Order in the court.”

 

“This is the middle of an underground courtyard. Not a court.”

 

“It is if you take away the yard from the court.”

 

“THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!”

 

“YES IT DOES!”

 

“My client is right!”

 

“Hear hear!”

 

“That’s Turaga to you!”

 

“SHUT IT!”

 

“Order, order. The prosecution will make its opening statement.”

 

“Do I need to be here? THEY’RE GUILTY!”

 

“We KNOW.”

 

“NO YOU DON’T!”

 

“Hear hear!”

 

“FOR SOMEONE WHO SAYS HEAR A LOT YOU CERTAINLY DON’T!”

 

“I heard him.”

 

“THAT'S NOT WHAT I-The prosecution would like to strangle the defense.”

 

“Granted.”

 

“OBJECTION! I-ACK! Can’t… BREATHE!…”

 

“Overruled.”

 

“I OBJECT!”

 

“You would.”

 

“Shut it purple-face!”

 

“Hear hear!”

 

“STOP SAYING THAT!”

 

“Order, order and furthermore order. The defense shall begin their opening statement. You need to let go of him now Nuparu.”

 

“Fine.”

 

“*gasp*”

 

“Hear hear!”

 

“*grumble*”

 

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury…”

 

“We’re all men!”

 

“Well excuse me princess! Now where was I, oh yes, I-“

 

“I object to the defense calling the jury princesses! They’re all pathetic peasants.”

 

“PATHETIC?!”

 

“I was being SARCASTIC!”

 

“Hear hear!”

 

“I KNOW! I’M OBJECTING TO YOU BEING SARCASTIC AND IF THAT MORON SAYS ONE MORE WORD I’LL STONE HIM TO DEATH! Matoran of Stone, all the same.”

 

“WE ARE NOT PATHETIC! IS NEEDING LIGHT TO SEE PATHETIC? THAT’S A COMMON NEED! Something our beloved Turaga fails to SEE himself. Karzahni he actually tried to TRAP us in our workplace to FORCE us to work! This trial is a sham! A cover-up to hide his crimes against innocent strikers! A CONSPIRACY! WE-“

 

“Shut up, just-just SHUT UP Tehutti… *sob*”

 

“Great. You made Taipu cry. This is going to be a very long trial.”

 

WHENUA IS THE JUDGE

ONEWA IS THE DEFENDANT

NUPARU IS THE PROSECUTION

PEKKA IS THE DEFENSE

TAIPU AND TEHUTTI ARE THE JURY

ONEPU IS THE BAILIFF

HEWKII IS THE JERK IN THE BACKGROUND

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 34: I Spy With my Little Eye Something Beginning With P

 

“Well those two were easy. I’ve got half already!”

 

“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”

 

“Yahu, my name is Pohatu.”

 

“What? My name is Tahu.”

 

“Yes and I suppose my name IS Obvious, Yahu.”

 

“It’s not and stop that!”

 

“Stop what?”

 

“Mispronouncing my name!”

 

“But it’s FUNNY.”

 

“It’s Tahu!”

 

“Yes but if you replace the T with a Y it becomes Yahu. Yahu! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. You’re an E-Mail service.”

 

Keep the 4th Wall jokes to a minimum, please.

 

“Sorry, oh almighty and powerful Toru Nui (sarcasm). Now, Yahu, what do you want to do nex-HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TEXT?! IT’S PINK?! WHY-Oh hahaha very funny. NOW GIVE ME BACK MY SADDLE BROWN! My glorious, precious brow-THIS IS REGULAR BROWN YOU MORON! THIS IS THE COLOUR MAKUTA USES! OK, Now… I can’t see it anymore, is it white? Its white isn’t it? Hey, since they can’t see white text on a white background, I can say anything I want and get away with it! HERO FACTORY IS BETTER THAN BION-Oh… I-I-I-I-I-I-I-FORGIVE ME OH OVER-EMOTIONAL BIGOTS OF THE INTERNET!!!”

 

“Loopy fruitloop.”

 

“Shut up. Where were we?”

 

A stage hand gave Pohatu the script.

 

“Yes OK, OK, I’ve got it! I didn’t need this.”

 

The stage hand took back the script. Pohatu made a rude gesture behind his back.

 

“Now, Yahu, what do you want to do next?”

 

“…How about we play a game to pass the time? I don’t know any, but we could make one…”

 

“Here’s one Gali taught me, she learned it from the Ga-Matoran: I Spy.”

 

“How does that work?”

 

“I spy with my little eye, something beginning with S. Now you have to guess what I saw.”

 

“Sand?”

 

“Good. Now, I spy with my little eye-“

 

“Do you need to say that EVERY time?”

 

“Gali never said that, but I think we don’t HAVE to. Something beginning with Y.”

 

“Yellow? As in the sand?”

 

“Nope, that’s uh… sand. Sand is sand. The colour of sand is sand.”

 

“I give up then.”

 

“A Yahoo!”

 

“YOU SON OF A-“

 

Quiet.

 

THE ANSWER IS POST

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 35: Fickle Fikou

 

“Problem.”

 

“Problem.”

 

Gali and Onua immediately ran from the advancing Fikou horde. Onua tripped over something and was immediately covered in the little buggers.

 

“HALP!!!”

 

“Pardon? Oh, help!” Gali tried spraying the Fikou off Onua, but it was NO USE. “…”

 

“Ow, ow, what are you doing to me? OW! Help! I’m being violated!”

 

Gali dived into the water where the Fikou couldn’t follow.

 

“*SIGH*”

 

The Fikou began to scatter and run away…

 

“YES!”

 

But not before they tossed in Onua as well.

 

“Wuh oh…”

 

For those of you who are unaware, Onua does not have the Mask of Water Breathing, is heavy, and cannot swim. You do the math.

 

“*drowning noises*”

 

Gali tried to pull him up, but he was too heavy. So, she tried an alternate solution: instead of removing Onua from the water, she removed the water from Onua.

 

Did your brain just explode? If it did we apologize. We will mail a replacement brain if you kindly sign out this form:

 

Name:

 

Occupation:

 

Country:

 

Address:

 

Reason for somehow being able to fill him this form despite the fact your freakin’ BRAIN just exploded:

 

Now mail this form to: yourbrainhasnotexplodedyourottenliar@yahu.com.

 

“*ahem*”

 

Right, right. Gali simply MOVED the water away from Onua’s head, creating an air bubble. Toa of Water can do that you know, they just don’t use it much as it’s EXHAUSTING. Don’t believe me? Have YOU created an air bubble around somebody’s head? If you have, please send a message to areyousickofthisgagyet@yahu.com.

 

“Whew. That was close.”

 

“I’ll say. You’re heavier than a one-ton weight.”

 

“I am not one tonne! I’ll have you know I’m 0.9.”

 

“Let’s compromise and say 0.95.”

 

“NEVER!”

 

“Never mind, we have more pressing issues to worry about.”

 

“Such as what?”

 

“This air bubble around your head is EXHAUSTING me. I… can’t do it forever…”

 

HOW WILL OUR HEROES GET OUT OF THIS ONE

TUNE IN WHENEVER I FEEL ABOUT WRITING ABOUT THIS SUBPLOT TO FIND OUT

SEND YOUR FAN MAIL TO BIONICLE2001ABRIDGEDATYAHUDOTCOM

Edited by Toru Nui
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For those of you who are unaware, Onua does not have the Mask of Water Breathing, is heavy, and cannot swim.

This was disappointing; I was hoping he would just use his Kaukau to escape. :P Remember when Tahu said it was a useless mask in the second chapter? :P

 

I like the mask-related humor when it comes up!

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This was disappointing; I was hoping he would just use his Kaukau to escape. :P Remember when Tahu said it was a useless mask in the second chapter? :P

 

 

 

I like the mask-related humor when it comes up!

Onua doesn't have the Kaukau, he only has the Pakari. This chart should explain everything...

 

Current Great Kanohi Found:

 

Tahu: Golden Kanohi, all twelve Mask Powers (so far).

Gali: Kaukau

Onua: Pakari

Pohatu: Kakama, ??? and ???

Lewa: N/A

Kopaka: N/A

 

And yes I do remember. A brick joke in the making.

 

Part 36: The Hafu and Hafu Show

 

“OK. Now that Taipu has his blankie, is the prosecution ready to begin?”

 

“Ye-“

 

“No your honour! He is not ready to begin because his witnesses have not arrived!”

 

Then Takua and Hafu arrived, escorted by Onu-Koro guards.

 

“Here we come to save the day!”

 

“*sigh*”

 

“Takua. It is Takua I’m talking to?”

 

“No I, Hafu am not Takua, I, Hafu am Hafu.”

 

“What? No, I, Hafu am Hafu!”

 

“He lies! I, Hafu am Hafu!”

 

“He, Hafu, is me, Hafu Hafu!”

 

“Hafu is I, Hafu!”

 

“I, Hafu is Hafu and nobody else but I, Hafu is Hafu!”

 

“Except me, Hafu.”

 

“…I, Hafu hate you.”

 

“Heheheheheh…”

 

There was (naturally) a dumbfounded silence for a lot more than a few seconds.

 

“Weirdos.”

 

“I agree your honour. I don’t think these witnesses are mentally competent. I therefore move that they be forbidden to testify.”

 

“Hear hear!”

 

“I’m going to kill you.”

 

“There shall be no murder in my courtroom. Unless I am the murderer, in which case, shut the Karzahni up.”

 

“This is not a courtroom, it is a courtYARD!”

 

“I move that the defendant shut his pie cake hole!”

 

“Accepted.”

 

“You can’t accept that your honour! It’s unacceptable! I refuse to accept that!”

 

“I’m afraid you’ll have to accept the fact that SHUT UP!”

 

“Enough. I will have order in this courtroom.”

 

“COURTYARD!”

 

“Silence. As weird as the witnesses are, they are no more stupid than the defense.”

 

“HEY!”

 

“I second that your honour.”

 

“I third that.”

 

“Third?”

 

“Silence again. Hafus, you may begin your testimonies.”

 

“I, Hafu am Hafu! There is no other Hafu but me, Hafu!”

 

“He lies! I, Hafu am Hafu, and he is not Hafu, for I, Hafu am Hafu!”

 

“This is stupid! I, Hafu is the true Hafu, he is a preposterous imposter!”

 

“I, Hafu am-“

 

“FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SWEET AND HOLY, SHUT THE KARZAHNI UUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“…So as I, Hafu was saying, I, Haf-“

 

“You’re mocking me, Hafu, aren’t you?”

 

“So he is the real Hafu?”

 

“NO! I, Hafu am Hafu!”

 

“I, Hafu am Hafu!”

 

“STOP THAT!”

 

“YOU STOP IT FIRST!”

 

“NO YOU!”

 

“NO YOU!!!”

 

“Oh Mata Nui… *sob*”

 

“Taipu is getting teary-eyed again. I believe we must have a small interumpsion.”

 

“That’s uh, interRUPTION, your honour.”

 

“That is what I said. Ten minute break.”

 

While everybody was returning to the prosecution lobby and defence lobby depending on what side they were on, Hewkii went over to talk to Onewa and Pekka.

 

“Hey guys, why didn’t you tell the Onu-Matoran which one of them was Hafu?”

 

“Because I was enjoying the spectacle.”

 

“Hafu’s ALWAYS had that stupid tic. It’s about time for him to find out how ANNOYING it is. But after this trial charade is over, he will be punished more severely for betraying his kind, and that Ta-Matoran as well…”

 

“Question: aren’t we the good guys?”

 

“Yes and shut up.”

 

DIVIDE AND CONQUER

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 37: And he Rode off Into the Sunset

 

Tahu and Pohatu trudged along the dusty desert in the middle of a sandstorm. They were entering the heart of a Rahi Zone, but they had encountered little to no Rahi, apart from the Sand Tarakava from earlier, and a horde of Nui-Rama they fought off-screen, but apart from that, nothing.

 

“Where are all the Rahi?” Pohatu whined like a small child who was promised something that hasn’t arrived yet. “I was looking forward to plunging into the heart of danger!”

 

“From the very little time I spent in Ta-Koro, I heard a phrase: “Shut up and take my widgets!” Now since I have no widgets to give you I request the shut up.”

 

“Urge to kill you rising.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

The two trudged along through tonnes of sand and dirt, until suddenly…

 

“Wait.”

 

“What now…”

 

“Do you feel that?”

 

“You, sucking my IQ away with everything you say?”

 

“NO! Vibrations in the sand idiot!”

 

“…Now that you mention it…”

 

*RUMBLE*

 

A Nui-Jaga emerged from the sand.

 

“Not another one…”

 

Pohatu kicked it in the face. The Nui-Jaga threw him a few miles away.

 

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHYYYYY!!!”

 

Tahu tried setting it on fire (that’s what he does) but it stung him before he could do so. Then it took the Golden Mask from Tahu’s face with its stinger, and scurried off into the sunset.

 

“…I’VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MANY WESTERNS.”

 

“…Uh…oh…”

 

PROBLEMO

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 38: Sacrifice

 

Time was running out. Gali was now sweating to keep the air bubble around Onua. And sweating underwater is not a nice sensation. There was only one other option…

 

Gali quickly took off her Mask of Water Breathing and slapped it on Onua’s face. However, soon she was the one who was drowning. Onua started to panic, and Gali eventually lost consciousness.

 

Onua quickly threw Gali back up to the surface. However, she was still filled with water and he was still stuck at the bottom of the ocean.

 

He tried to climb up, but he was simply too heavy for the fragile rocks to handle. However, he then caught sight of a fishing hook, which he grabbed on and tugged, trying to alert whoever cast it to his position.

 

He did not expect to be reeled in like a fish.

 

“I got one! I got one!”

 

“That’s great. Now, mind helping me with the unconscious saviour?”

 

Onua flew through the air as soon as he exited the water, and landed head-first into a very sharp rock on the shore.

 

“YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWCH!”

 

“Yuck! I’m not eating that fish.”

 

“You OK there?”

 

“I’ll need a new skull, but otherwise no complaints.”

 

“*cough* *cough*”

 

“Excuse me. MACKU! STOP FISHING FOR NON-EXISTENT FISH IN YOUR BRAND SPANKING NEW BOAT AND HELP ME OVER HERE!”

 

“It’s alright, I know CPR.”

 

Onua stretched his fingers claws whatever they are. Which hurt tremendously. He then transferred his pain into Gali via FALCON PUNCH to the gut, causing all the water to exit Gali’s windpipe.

 

“…OOOWWWWWWWWW! Could you have made that anymore painful?”

 

“You’re alive, aren’t you?”

 

“I wish I wasn’t.”

 

“I’ll remember that next time you almost die.”

 

“And I’ll remember that you punch people when they’re in pain the next time YOU almost die.”

 

“Who’s dying?”

 

“FOR THE LOVE OF… OF… SOMETHING MACKU! PAY ATTENTION!”

 

“Attention? Is that a new form of tax?”

 

“I give up.”

 

IF AT FIRST YOU DO NOT SUCCEED

GIVE UP

THEN COME BACK AFTER A WHILE AND TRY AGAIN

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Part 39: Better Call Someone

 

“Alright. Since it’s too much hassle to get the witnesses to testify without arguing who is who, we will move on to evidence. Prosecution?”

 

“Thank you your honour, I-“

 

“He has no honour.”

 

“Hear hear!”

 

“I WILL DISEMBOWEL YOU!!!”

 

“The defendant will be silent and the prosecution will postpone the disemboweling until after the trial is over.”

 

“*sigh* As I was saying, during the confiscation of the defendants belongings, we retrieved this tape of what sounded like a battle rally. With your permission, we would like to play it.”

 

“No you may not.”

 

“I was asking him!”

 

“Well he’s a Turaga, but I too am a Turaga and I veto this. I veto all of this!”

 

“Are there any other Turaga in the audience who support him on this?”

 

*crickets chirping*

 

“As I thought. Play the tape.”

 

*See Part 24: Breaking Point for the audio of the tape.

 

A few minutes later…

 

“OH COME ON! Your dishonour, how can it be proven that the voice on that tape belongs to the defendant!?”

 

“Because, oh I don’t know, THEY SOUND THE SAME?!”

 

“…I OBJECT!”

 

“Why is that?”

 

“Because this is devastating to my case!”

 

“Overruled.”

 

“Good call!”

 

“It doesn’t matter. You honestly think you can put me away, Whenua?”

 

“Yes. Because as you see, I am the law, and you are the crime.”

 

“You know the other Turaga won’t stand for this!”

 

“Vakama will be pleased that you have been incarcerated, Nokama will see my side as she always does, Matau simply wouldn’t give a Brakas’ rectum and neither would Nuju.”

 

“That is not a common phrase! Why am I hearing everyone say it all of a sudden?!”

 

“You forgot one thing.”

 

“And what might that be?”

 

“Vakama will blame you for blowing up the tunnels.”

 

“That’s absur-“

 

“WHEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNUAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

 

“Oh no…”

 

THE PLOT THICKENS

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 40: None of What Follows Happens in the Original Story, not Even Close

 

Pohatu began to regain consciousness. It wasn’t easy, haven being thrown a good fifty feet and all, but he did so.

 

“UGH! Oh… I’ve got sand in places I didn’t even know I had. Yahu? T-Tahu!”

 

He saw a red figure in the sand crawling in the sand. You see, without a mask, a Toa loses physical strength. He could no longer be bothered to walk. Pohatu rushed over to him.

 

“Tahu!”

 

“Oh so NOW you use my name. Whoop de do, ya dumb piece of dirt.”

 

“Well I WAS going to help you walk but now…”

 

“Now what?”

 

“Now I don’t think I will.”

 

“YOU’LL HELP ME OR I’LL ROAST YOU ALIVE! When I feel like it…”

 

“With what? A small spark? LOOK AT YOU! You look like you ran a marathon drinking nothing but anti-coffee!”

 

“What the Karzahni is anti-coffee?”

 

“Well you know how coffee gives you energy?”

 

“Yes…?”

 

“Anti-coffee is the opposite.”

 

You don’t know what coffee is.

 

“Pretend I do.”

 

Pretend you have a choice in the matter.

 

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”

 

“Don’t challenge me. Well I’ll help you anyway to move the plot alon-I mean because you’re my brother and all (I think). Hop on my back and let’s find a powerless mask to replace the golden one so you at least have some energy to help me find it again!”

 

“YES! Only… I can’t be bothered. Five more minutes…”

 

Pohatu grabbed Tahu and put him on his back himself. Then he held on tight to him and sped off in search of a mask. Any mask really. Meanwhile Whenua was having problems of his own…

 

“You have the gall to destroy our tunnel, cutting off our only safe exit from Ta-Wahi, and what’s more, YOU’RE TRYING TO PUT THE BLAME ON ONEWA!”

 

“Uh, you don’t understand, the-“

 

“SILENCE!”

 

Vakama whacked Onepu on the head with his staff.

 

“Ow!”

 

“Why do people say silence very loudly? It defeats the purpose.”

 

“I object! This is…OBJECTABLE!”

 

“Shut it orange!”

 

“And what’s wrong with being orange?”

 

“Uh…”

 

“It’s not nice to insult other people because of their colour, Nuhrii. And it’s hazardous to your health to insult people of the same colour of your Turaga, WITHIN EARSHOT OF HIM!!!”

 

“Can I go now?”

 

“No.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“No.”

 

“Yes!”

 

“No.”

 

“YES!”

 

“No.”

 

“YES!!!”

 

“Yes.”

 

“NO!”

 

“Yes.”

 

“NO!!!”

 

“Yes.”

 

“He is not going and that’s final.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“YOU SON OF A-“

 

“Quiet. Quiet in the court. I said quiet. Quiet everybody, quie-“

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH SHUT UP!”

 

“Hear hear!”

 

“YOU WILL DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!!!”

 

“Hmm. I like this prosecutor.”

 

“You would.”

 

Meanwhile (again), Pohatu and Yahu-

 

“TAHU!!!”

 

Sorry. Pohatu and TAHU arrived in Po-Koro for the first time, but there was nobody there.

 

“Hello? Anybody home? Anyone? Anything? Anysomething? No? *sigh*”

 

“Hmm… We could try Onu-Koro.”

 

“Where’s that?”

 

“Follow where I’m pointing at all times and keep running. And hurry! This takes effort.”

 

“Yessir!”

 

Pohatu followed Tahu’s hand out of Po-Koro and into the now clearing Onu-Koro tunnel. Meanwhile (again (again))…

 

“Listen. Onewa was-“

 

“I DON’T GIVE A BRAKAS’ RECTUM WHAT ONEWA WAS!”

 

“WHY AM I HEARING THIS PHRASE ALL OF A SUDDEN WHEN FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER I’VE HEARD NOTHING OF THE SORT!?”

 

“SHUDDDDDDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPP!!!”

 

“All I know, is that you blew up the Ta-Koro tunnel! That was to be used only in cases of emergency! WE AGREED!”

 

“It was an emer-“

 

“I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES! I WANT TO HEAR YOUR APOLOGIES!”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR APOLOGIES! I WANT TO HEAR YOUR SCREAMS!”

 

“Ahhhhhhhhh.”

 

“NOT HERE, FOOL! IN THE LAVA OF MANGAI!”

 

“You can’t arrest our Turaga!”

 

“I CAN, I WILL, AND I ALREADY HAVE! IF ANYONE HAS ANY COMPLAINTS, THEY CAN GO SEE THE TA-KORO GUARD COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT!”

 

“We have one of those?”

 

“Nuhrii, it’s a metaphor for lava.”

 

“Didn’t seem like it.”

 

“Mata Nui, please give me the power not to strangle this brainless fool were he stands. Because that’s fools do. THEY STAND!”

 

“We wouldn’t have detonated the charges unless there was no other option! That would go against everything I and Onu-Koro stand for!”

 

“Quiet, fool!”

 

“Turaga Whenua, you are coming with us!”

 

“BOGEY INCOMING!”

 

“That’s disgust-WOAH!”

 

A brown and red blur sped out of the Po-Wahi tunnel and knocked over a few Matoran before it tripped over it’s own foot.

 

“Tahu?!”

 

“Vakama?”

 

“Tahu!”

 

“Takua!”

 

“Tahu?”

 

“Tahu.”

 

“Pohatu!”

 

“POHATU!”

 

“Who?”

 

“*groan*”

 

“That’s not the name of anyone here I think.”

 

“I’M STUPID? JUST LOOK AT KAPURA!”

 

“He’s LOVABLE stupid. You’re INTOLERABLE stupid.”

 

“What is going on here?”

 

“We’re arresting him.”

 

“Why?”

 

“He betrayed his allies!”

 

“THEY BETRAYED THEIR ALLIES! ONEWA BETRAYED US AND YOU!”

 

“So like Onu-Matoran to try and pin the blame on someone else, like an immature… something.”

 

“I resemble that remark!”

 

“WHAT IS GOING ON?”

 

“I DON’T KNOW!”

 

“THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?!”

 

“BECAUSE WE WANT OUR POINTS ACROSS!”

 

“Psst. Now would be a good time to run Turaga.”

 

Onewa snuck off and disguised himself in the crowd of Po-Matoran while everyone else yelled for no reason.

 

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!”

 

“ABOUT WHAT WE DON’T KNOW!”

 

“WELL WHAT DO WE KNOW?”

 

“Sometimes I regret not finishing that doomsday device.”

 

CAN YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT IS GOING ON

BECAUSE I CANNOT AND I WROTE THIS

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 41: Dark Comedy

 

After putting her mask back on her face, Onua helped Gali stand up.

 

“So, you are the Toa of Earth?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Tell me, what is the difference between Earth and Stone?”

 

“I AM NOT THE SAME AS THAT FAT FREAK!”

 

“…Rrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggghhhhhhhtttttttttt… Anyway, you need help finding the masks?”

 

“Well, if the last three minutes have taught me anything, it’s always wise to have people willing to sacrifice themselves for your hide.”

 

“…”

 

“Joke.”

 

“So my jokes are no good, but something like THAT is OK?”

 

“It’s called black comedy.”

 

“That’s terrible as well!”

 

“That wasn’t another joke!”

 

“Oh really? BLACK comedy. That’s terrible.”

 

“I don’t see what’s bad about bla-oh. OK, THAT’S terrible.”

 

“That wasn’t a joke!”

 

“Oh so I’m supposed to believe YOU when you say that?!”

 

“…Are you two married?”

 

“NO!”

 

“NO!”

 

“I AM NOT EVEN CONSIDERING MARRIAGE AND NOBODY CAN PROVE I AM OR WHO WITH!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“AAAAAANNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY, do you want us to help you or not?”

 

“Oh no, it’s far too dangerous.”

 

“That’s only because you can’t swim.”

 

“You know, there IS a limit to my patience.”

 

“Clearly not to your stupidity.”

 

Onua snatched off Gali’s mask (the mask on the Toa Mata were ridiculously easy to knock off), put his own her face, and walked off into the water.

 

“Hey! Where are you going?!”

 

“BACK UNDERWATER! AT LEAST THE FISH HAVE MANNERS! AND GOOD HUMOUR!”

 

And he did so, bubbling up a storm as he went.

 

“Want me to fish him out?”

 

“No. Let him stew in his own juice.”

 

“Water.”

 

“Tomato, tamato.”

 

POTATO

PATATO

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 42: Fighting Fire with Fire

 

“WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE ALL YELLING!?”

 

“BECAUSE YOU ARE!”

 

“WE WERE SHOUTING BEFORE HE WAS!”

 

“YOU SOME KINDA HISTORIAN?!”

 

Well, I don’t wanna brag…”

 

“Enough.”

 

“QUIET YOU!”

 

“WAIT A MINUTE! Why are we searching for a Powerless Mask when you have THREE Great ones?!”

 

“..Because they're MINE? DUH!”

 

Tahu mustered up all his strength and stole a Mask of Shielding from the pocket dimension on Pohatu's back.

 

“Turaga, no offence, but this is incredibly stupid!”

 

“So are you.”

 

“If you kill Whenua, the Onu-Matoran won’t help you in case of a Rahi attack!”

 

“Which wouldn’t be a problem if you STAYED IN TA-KORO!”

 

“I have to help the other Toa retrieve THEIR Golden Masks!”

 

“They can do that THEMSELVES! I’m taking Whenua to Ta-Koro, with or without you!”

 

“…Sorry Turaga. I’m afraid we can’t let you do that.”

 

“We?”

 

“Yes, WE!”

 

“Sorry, I thought your ego was too big for that.”

 

“You dare defy ME?!”

 

“Well, yes.”

 

“JALLER! Don’t sit around like a chair! GET HIM!”

 

“Um, wouldn’t that be suicide?”

 

“I have to agree with Nuhrii on this one Turaga, you know what’s he’s capable of.”

 

“GRR… *ROAR* WHY MUST I DO EVERY LITTLE THING BY MYSELF?! MY MATORAN ARE USELESS, MY FELLOW TURAGA ARE USELESS, AND NOW, YOU’RE USELESS! I have gone to ABSURD lengths to ensure the survival and freedom of the Matoran; sacrificed everything for IDIOTS! you can’t even imagine what I’ve done to keep that up! What I’ve lost! WHAT I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN!!!”

 

“Uh oh…”

 

“Turaga, just calm down.”

 

“You’re in no position to start being hostile.”

 

NO POSITION?! *GROWL* I’ve fought legions and hordes of things you can’t even imagine; I threatened Makuta to his FACE, I EVEN SAVED THE ENTIRE FABRIC OF TIME!!! TWICE!!! What makes you think you two inexperienced FOOLS stand a chance?”

 

“…Two against one?”

 

Vakama knocked him away across Onu-Koro with a blast of fire.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYOWWWWWWWWWUUUUUUUUUUUOW!!!”

 

“KAPURA, AGNI! COME, AND TAKE THE TRAITOR WITH YOU!”

 

Kapura and Agni prodded Whenua with their spears and started moving towards the Ta-Koro tunnel. Tahu stood in the way.

 

“Over my cold dead freezing rotting dead decomposing cold silent freezing motionless dead cold carcass! Did I mention cold?”

 

If you believed Vakama couldn’t get any angrier, you were wrong.

 

“YOU!!! SHALL LET US!!!-“ He slammed his staff down. “-PASS!!!”

 

THE SITUATION IS GETTING RATHER OUT OF HAND

MAKUTA WOULD BE PLEASED

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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I would just love to hear a recording of Vakama shouting "SHUT UP" at Nokama.

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Quote: "Love has no fear, and no vengeance." |

:t: :m_o: :a: :i: :m: :r: :u: :k: :i: :i: | mEaHKlH.pngAndekas

 

pure_muscle.png

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Part 43: Home is Where the Heart is

 

Onua tugged onto Macku’s fishing hook again and was immediately hauled out. Guess where he landed.

 

“OWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWOWHHHHHHHHOWWWWWOOOOOW!!! WHY WOULD I LAND ON THE SAME ROCK FACE-FIRST AGAIN?!”

 

“…Cuz it’s funny?”

 

“IT’S NOT FROM WHERE I’M STANDING!”

 

Gali snatched her mask back and smothered Onua with his.

 

“Look, I don’t like you, and you don’t like me!”

 

“I kind of like you, but you’re just acting rude.”

 

“OK, maybe you like me, but I don’t like you.”

 

“No kidding, you don’t like people when you’re rude!”

 

“Shut up! Look, we have to find the Great Masks. The best way to do that is to work together!”

 

“This implies that we CAN.”

 

“We can and we will.”

 

“No, we won’t.”

 

“YES!”

 

“NO!”

 

“YES!”

 

“NO!”

 

“NO!”

 

“Alright, we won’t.”

 

“…That…should have worked.”

 

“Only in your dreams. And perhaps nightmares.”

 

“…Are you SURE you’re not married?”

 

“SHUT UP! I’ll work with you, but I’M in charge.”

 

“YOU? You couldn’t charge your way out of a paper BAG!”

 

“Obviously. Paper is a very valuable resource.”

 

“Look, this is my home turf, and on my home turf, I’m in charge!”

 

“Home is where the heart is. Obviously your heart is halfway up your-“

 

BOFF!

 

Onua was knocked back into the water by the punch of a Tarakava. He tugged on Macku’s rod and… well you know.

 

“YEEEEEOWWWWWEHWHEOWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHOWHWOHWHWOHWHOH!!! WHY IS IT THE SAME SPIKED ROCK AND HEAD-FIRST EVERY TIME?!”

 

“ROUND TWO, SUCKERS!”

 

REMATCH OF THE CENTURY

GALI VS TARAKAVA

PLACE YOUR BETS

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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I would just love to hear a recording of Vakama shouting "SHUT UP" at Nokama.

Ask Christopher Gaze.

 

Five widgets says Gali.

Money can't talk.

 

“SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!.”

 

Quiet. I'd like to apologize for having no post yesterday. To make up for it, there shall be TWO today.

 

Part 44: Anti-Climax

 

“YOU!!! SHALL LET US!!!-“ He slammed his staff down. “-PASS!!!”

 

“No.”

 

“Dagnabit.”

 

“Oh well, we tried.”

 

“*sigh*”

 

“Should I let the Turaga go Turaga?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Not you! The other Turaga!”

 

“There are three Turaga in the vicinity Agni. I think you may need to specify.”

 

“No there’s not!”

 

“…Funny. I could have sworn Turaga Onewa was around here somewhere.”

 

“He snuck off!”

 

“Find him!”

 

“NO YOU WILL NOT! Can you stop them at LEAST?”

 

“Of course.”

 

The Ta-Matoran then started piling on the Onu-Matoran. As Matoran do when fighting each-other.

 

“They can handle a dozen Onu-Matoran but they can’t handle ONE Toa? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!”

 

“Common sense?”

 

“Saviour, or no, I’m going to beat you within an inch of your life.”

 

“That would be threatening if you weren’t, you know, a small frail old man waving a stick at me.”

 

“Perhaps you don’t understand. I’m taking Whenua to Ta-Koro. You actually CAN’T stop me.”

 

“You and what army?”

 

Vakama gestured towards the Ta-Koro Guard, but they were busy fighting Onu-Matoran, and the few that were having a breather wildly shook their heads.

 

“Well… with age comes experience!”

 

“Enjoy it while you can, gramps.”

 

YOUR POWERS ARE WEAK OLD MAN

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 45: Gali VS Tarakava

 

The Tarakava struck first. Gali blocked by crossing her hooks across her face. The Tarakava struck again, and again, and again, Gali blocking and/or dodging all its attacks.

 

“Left hook! Right to the jaw!”

 

“I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS, STOP PESTER-“

 

While Gali was distracted by Macku, she forgot about the Tarakava.

 

BOFF!

 

She landed into the water like Onua did. Only she didn’t have her Mask of Water Breathing. She didn’t tug on Macku’s rope for two reasons. 1: She didn’t want to damage her cranium on a certain spiky rock, and 2: She controlled water. She created a hand of water on the surface which grabbed the Tarakava and drug it underwater.

 

“OH NO…”

 

A few bubbles later, Gali emerged from the water carrying the Infected Kanohi of the Tarakava, which emerged on to the shore a few moments later and sped off, it’s pride hurt. It had just lost to a woman, you know.

 

“And your winner is: GALI! Toa of Water!”

 

“Big whoop.” Onua finally managed to get past the pain of diving headfirst into a spiky rock three times and stand up.

 

“You OK there?”

 

“I’ll need a new skull, that’s for sure.”

 

“I hear skulduggery is a good (yet illegal) way to get one. Ay? Ay?”

 

“Don’t make me laugh.”

 

“So you admit that was funny? I guess it was like that “black comedy” you were blathering about earlier…”

 

“No seriously. It would harm my now highly-sensitive cranium.”

 

“Cranium? Is that a-“

 

“No, Macku…”

 

“But I-“

 

“NO Macku…”

 

GALI WINS

I NOW OWE PETEWA 50 WIDGETS

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Where'd the other forty-five come from?

You bet five on Gali, who won. You now receive your original bet multiplied by 10.

 

That or I got the math wrong.

 

AND I AM NEVER WRONG.

 

Part 46: B.F.F

 

“DEATH TO THE ONU-MATORAN!!!”

 

“You realize your spears aren’t sharp, right?”

 

“ATTACK!!!”

 

“Sir, we’re already attacking.”

 

“Nuhrii…”

 

“OK OK, I’ll shut up now.”

 

“You should have shut up years ago-TAKUA! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!”

 

“…Leaving?”

 

“I can see that.”

 

“So can I!”

 

“You change from stupidly sarcastic to sarcastically stupid on a WIDGET. As for YOU, I’d like a few words with you.”

 

“Y-Yes Captain!”

 

Jaller and Takua entered Whenua’s hut. They then immediately burst into laughter.

 

“PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!…”

 

“HOOOOOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHO! You… you would have thought that they would have caught on by now... hahahhah…”

 

“Especially since you’re the only one who ever administers any quote punishments unquote!”

 

You see, although the majority of Ta-Koro despises Takua, he and Jaller are secretly friends. Who woulda thunk? Certainly not Pohatu, as he stumbled into Whenua’s hut as well, disorientated after being flung a few feet by an angry old man.

 

“Honey, I’m home!”

 

“Who are you?”

 

“I’m the milkman! Bing-bang gooly gooly! Flallop! BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! CAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKA! Hoohahahahah, Hoohahahahahahh! WHOWOWOHOHOW!”

 

“Weirdo.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“BLUBLUBLU… Sorry, needed to get that out of my system.”

 

“You need to get out of this hut.”

 

“You certainly do.”

 

Hahli leapt from the shadows of the hut and leapt onto Takua. How a bright blue woman is able to hide inside a brightly lit hut is up to your imagination.

 

“WHAT THE-I thought you were bitten by a Kofu-Jaga!”

 

“Kofu-Jaga bite? THAT’S FATAL! HOW DID YOU LIVE WOMAN?!”

 

“Spite!”

 

“I’m in love.”

 

Now you may be thinking, how is Hahli here when she is with Gali, Onua and Macku? Easy…

 

The Hahli here is real...

 

THE OTHER IS FAKE.

 

PREPOSTEROUS IMPOSTER

Edited by Toru Nui
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Part 47: Traitorous is His Main Trait

 

“Well, after that, I think I should be leading, shouldn’t you?”

 

“Not a chance, the only reason was because my head… you know.”

 

“That’s no excus-AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

 

There was a dagger in Gali’s leg. She fell over and writhed in pain on the ground.

 

“Well, that went better than expected.”

 

Macku rushed onto the shore. “HAHLI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

 

“Hahli” pulled out a familiar-looking gun and gestured for her to stand near Onua.

 

“All too easy. Now, your masks.”

 

“Wha-? Hahli, you know we can’t…”

 

“MASKS! NOW!”

 

“No.”

 

“Well then…” She got ready to fire, but was then hit over the head.

 

CLUNK!

 

“Heheheh… I’ll never get tired of doing that…”

 

“HEWKII!”

 

“Macku!”

 

“Pain…”

 

“That’s… rich…”

 

“OK, you’ve been acting strange all day, but now I am absolutely certain you are not my friend!”

 

“Hahli” stood up, clutching her head. “Heheheh… you must admit, the resemblance is striking…”

 

“But who are you?”

 

“Hahli” quickly turned around and knocked Hewkii down with her foot, and grabbed her gun again, but before she could do so, she was blasted by water from Gali. The water short-circuited her disguise machine around his neck, revealing himself.

 

“YOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOOWOOWOWOWOWOWOWO!!!”

 

“AHKMOU!”

 

“YOU!”

 

“WHO?”

 

“So you’re the perpetrator behind this!”

 

“I wish. Nope, that’s Makuta. I work for him.”

 

“…Ahkmou, I know you haven’t been the nicest guy but why side with MAKUTA?! HE’S EVIL!”

 

“So am I.”

 

“Fair enough.”

 

“WHY MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?”

 

Suddenly a Kane-Ra sped across the shore, coming straight for them.

 

HOW IS HEWKII HERE YOU ASK

ALL WILL BE REVEALED IN TIME

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 48: Don’t Fight Inside Mr. Whenua’s Hut, Please

 

“Please-OW!-stop-OW!-slapping-ME!”

 

“NOT UNTIL YOU GIVE ME BACK MY LIGHTSTONE YOU THIEF!”

 

“You traveled from Ga-Koro all the way to Onu-Koro because of a Lightstone?”

 

“YES!”

 

“Attention mission control, soulmate located.”

 

Then Tahu came crashing through the wall, courtesy of Vakama.

 

“Owwwwwwww… Maybe calling him “Gramps” wasn’t my best idea…”

 

“FEAR THE FURIOUS FIRE OF MY FURY, FOOL!”

 

“Could there have been any MORE F’s in that sentence?”

 

“Maybe. I don’t really care.”

 

“Turaga, what are we doing attacking each other and the Toa over silly reasons-OW! QUIT IT!”

 

“Lightstone.”

 

“Swoon.”

 

“SHUT UP!”

 

“Who are you telling to shut up?”

 

“ALL OF YOU!”

 

“Does that include me, sir?”

 

“It always includes you, Nuhrii.”

 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BEATING THE SNOT OUT OF THAT WHIPPERSNAPP-Spiriah, I mean fool.”

 

“I thought I’d let you know that the Onu-Matoran have surrendered.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because they wanted us to stop embarrassing ourselves by poking them with blunt spears.”

 

“Is that a direct quote?”

 

“Something like that.”

 

“IF I SAY PEOPLE GET MASSACRED THEY GET MASSACRED!!!”

 

“Except in this case.”

 

“SHUT IT!”

 

“Is that all you can say, shut up and shut it?!”

 

“SILENCE!”

 

“And silence?”

 

“HUSH!”

 

“And hush?”

 

“QUIET!”

 

“And qui-OW!”

 

“Did you just hit a girl, Turaga?”

 

“Nuhrii, if you don’t go back and tell those Onu-Matoran they’re gonna get destroyed whether they like it or not I shall have to hurt you.”

 

“You do that anyway-OW! Alright, alright, I’m-a going!”

 

“As for you two…”

 

“Three!”

 

“Four!”

 

“WHY IS EVERYONE OPPOSING ME ALL OF A SUDDEN?!”

 

“Because-“

 

“WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP ON ANSWERING MY RHETORICAL QUESTIONS?!”

 

“Because-“

 

“WHY DO-“

 

“Because-“

 

“I DIDN’T FINISH!!!”

 

“Because-“

 

“*SNARL*”

 

DO NOT BE MAD AT VAKAMA

HE IS SUFFERING FROM POST-HORDIKA STRESS DISORDER

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Sorry about having no post yesterday (again). As compensation, there will be two today (again).

 

Part 49: Against the Red Menace

 

“WHAT?!” Nokama bellowed. The sound of her raised voice (a rare sensation) shook all of Ga-Koro still. “VAKAMA ATTACKED ONU-KORO? WHY, HOW!?”

 

“We didn’t know until we went to make a business transaction with Whenua. We found Ta-Matoran pillaging Onu-Koro when we got there. And as you know, we are no match for the Ta-Koro Guard.”

 

“OH THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY IT! I mean, Vakama done nasty stuff before, but to this extent! I-Wait… how do I know you’re telling the truth?”

 

“I’m fairly certain every Po-Matoran on Mata-Nui can vouch for me. Right Pekka?”

 

“Right.”

 

“Right Hew-where is Hewkii?”

 

“He said he went off to find Macku.”

 

“Foolish boy.”

 

“Well, I’ll take your word for it. If Vakama HAS attacked Onu-Koro, he’s got another thing coming! Specifically, US!”

 

“But Turaga, after the Tarakava attack, we’re in no condition to go to war!”

 

“Perhaps not Nixie, but Ko-Koro is. I’m sure Nuju will help us.”

 

“Yes, YES! We’ll go and contact Ko-Koro, while you… do your… um… thing.”

 

“Thing.”

 

“Thing!”

 

“What thing?”

 

“The thing!”

 

“Thing. Really?”

 

“Yes! The thing!”

 

“What IS the thing?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Well enough about the thing! Nixie, Vhisola! Prepare us for war.”

 

“How do we do that?”

 

“…Onewa, any ideas?”

 

“OK, here’s the plan: I’ll stay here and help you; Pekka will lead a team into Ko-Wahi. Admittedly it will be dangerous, but I have faith. Some faith.”

 

“Shouldn’t we wait for Hewkii to come back? He’s our village’s greatest warrior.”

 

“Now is not the time for waiting for people. Now is the time to be waiting for you to bring people. Go to Ko-Koro, and inform Turaga Nuju of the current situation!”

 

“But the only safe way to get to Ko-Wahi without travelling across the Lands of Shadow…”

 

“Rahi Zones.”

 

“Synonyms. Anyway-“

 

“What?”

 

“Words that mean the same thing.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“The only safe way to Ko-Wahi is using the Ta-Koro cable car.”

 

“Vakama’s probably abandoned Ta-Koro by now. We can seize the city, but we won’t be able to hold it against the Ta-Matoran. Instead, Pekka will bring Nuju’s forces back down the cable car (five at a time) with him. Meanwhile the main force will be camping on the beach awaiting their arrival.”

 

“Ooh! Going to the beach AND camping! Two of my favourite things!”

 

“Madam, do you really think it wise-“

 

“No Nixie. But if we don’t, all of Mata-Nui will fall.”

 

“Indeed…”

 

A WARNING

TO THE PEOPLE

THE GOOD AND

THE EVIL

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Part 50: Problem

 

“Problem.”

 

“Problem.”

 

“Problem.”

 

“Problem.”

 

“Problem.” Everybody else glared at Ahkmou. “Oh. I thought we were all saying that.”

 

The Kane-Ra lunged for a bite, but missed and ending up eating a particular spiky rock.

 

“YES!”

 

The Kane-Ra then tried to bite Onua.

 

“NO!”

 

It succeeded in get hold on this leg, and started shaking him like a ragdoll, no small feat when you consider just how HEAVY Onua is.

 

“I SHALL ATTACK IT WITH MY… Where’s my…”

 

He saw Ahkmou had hold of a certain clunking device.

 

“HEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHHAHAHHAHQAHAH!”

 

“…What the Karzahni happened to your voice there?”

 

“What are you babbling about now?”

 

“You went HEHEHEHHEHQQQAHAHAAHAH! QQQ! It sounds like a Muaka choking on its own phlegm.”

 

“Says the man who sounds like he’s suffering from brain damage every time he speaks.”

 

“You know perfectly well I AM brain damaged!”

 

“Exactly. That’s why you sound like that.”

 

“SHUT UP AND HELP ME!”

 

“No.”

 

“Later.”

 

“Eh.”

 

“I have problems of my own. Specifically a Nui-Rama swarm.”

 

“BUT THERE’S NO RAMA!”

 

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

 

“Oh. Those Rama.”

 

For those of who you don’t know, Nui-Rama can spit hazardous balls of energy from their mouths. I did not just make that up. And they started firing at the Matoran (barring Ahkmou). Gali had to deflect the blasts back at them with her hooks. Think Cricket, Rounders or Baseball, only with hooks and no running.

 

“Come on, this gal’s a pushover, use the old 12-6! You’ve got a mouth like a bazooka come on give it to her give it to-“

 

He was then drenched by a certain someone in ice cold water.

 

“Brr…”

 

“THANK YOU. FOR THAT, YOUR MASKS WILL NOT BE TAKEN. HIS HOWEVER…”

 

The Rama swarm then circled around Onua and took his Mask of Strength off his face and sped off to Le-Wahi at incredible speed.

 

“Oh dear. Can I… Can I lie down now?”

 

The Kane-Ra started to tighten his grip on his leg.

 

“I guess not.”

 

Gali fired a blast of steaming hot water at the Kane-Ra, being careful not to hit Onua, who dropped him right on his head, and ran off.

 

“WHY DOES EVERY RAHI TURN TAIL AT THE VERY INKLING OF PAIN?!”

 

“Problem.”

 

“Problem.”

 

“Problem.”

 

“Problem.”

 

“Problem.”

 

“Can I kill him?”

 

“Not if I do first!”

 

“We can’t kill him! We have to find out where the Rama are taking the mask!”

 

“Ooooh…”

 

“You could have just said that.”

 

“I just did.”

 

“You could have done so earlier.”

 

“I couldn’t have because you were talking.”

 

“Poppycock.”

 

AND YOU THOUGHT WE WOULD DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE 50TH POST

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I'm only halfway through so far, but I already love this witty, intelligent humour!

Witty? Intelligent?

 

When pigs fly.

 

Part 51: :15 traP

 

“Remember how we met?”

 

“Two idiots walk into a hut, another idiot joins them, I start attacking the less handsome of the first two idiots, another idiot bursts in propelled by yet another idiot and-“

 

“OK OK, that’s enough.”

 

“Why do you ask exactly?”

 

“Before I met you, life had no meaning. I had a prestigious job, and life was good, but had nothing left to offer me. All I did was keep Takua out of trouble, do what Vakama told me and insult Nuhrii.”

 

“And all I did was keep Macku out of trouble, do what Nokama told me and insult Vhisola.”

 

“We were pretty pathetic, weren’t we?”

 

“I wouldn’t say that.”

 

“Still, do you think things would have turned out differently between you and me if you didn’t swim from Ga-Koro to Po-Wahi if Takua hadn’t stolen your Lightstone?”

 

“Of course not. You know that we and the others were meant to meet at some point. Destiny, and all that. It’s just that this way, you and I knew each other beforehand.”

 

“Well, that makes sense.”

 

“Can I ask you something now?”

 

“Anything.”

 

“Why DID you let me repeatedly punch your best friend in the face?”

 

Because even then…”

 

THE PRESENT!

 

“OW!-JALLER-OW!-MAKE-OW!-HER-OW!-STOP-OW!”

 

“Do you want to keep hitting him?”

 

“Yes!”

 

“Then do so!”

 

“SOME-OW!-FRIEND-OW!-YOU-OW!-ARE-OW!”

 

“Takua, someday we are going to look back on this day and LAUGH. Some of us more than others.”

 

“Erm… Turaga?”

 

“I’ve known the two for longer than I can remember and I just… don’t know…”

 

“Because-“

 

“*ROAR*”

 

“OK seriously, stop that.”

 

“YOU’RE-OW!-ONE-OW!-TO-OW!-TALK!-OW!”

 

YOU CANT CALL IT FILLER IF IT HAS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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Part 52: Where They Keep the Ali-no, Wait, That’s 51. My Mistake

 

“TALK!”

 

“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

 

“Well, let’s see… carry the seven…”

 

“TALK!!!”

 

“I just did! You’re going to have to be more specific.”

 

“Where are the Rama taking Onua’s Mask?”

 

“To their hive, DUH.”

 

“WHERE’S THE HIVE?!”

 

“Stop yelling.”

 

“NO!!!”

 

“Yes stop! You keep on doing it in my ear.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“This is getting us nowhere. Who wants to be good cop?”

 

“That doesn’t work within earshot of the interrogatee.”

 

“That’s not a word.”

 

“How would you know?”

 

“A read a dictionary.”

 

“A WHOLE dictionary?”

 

“SHUT UP!!!”

 

“STOP!”

 

“You guys are REALLY bad at this.”

 

“Where is the hive?!”

 

“In Le-Wahi.”

 

“WHERE in Le-Wahi?”

 

“I DON’T KNOW! I usually take the tunnel from Mangaia.”

 

“We’re supposed to scour an ENTIRE FOREST carrying this really heavy lump of Earth WITH us?”

 

“Not so. We could find another Great Mask in Ga-Wahi for Onua here than THEN go to Le-Wahi.”

 

“WHY are we going anyway? Surely-“

 

“No. There are six masks in every Wahi. That’s thirty-six in total. We need ALL of them in order to retrieve our Golden Kanohi.”

 

“FINE. Let’s find this Mask. THEN we go and get back Earthy’s mask.”

 

“*sigh* I’ll never get my Kanohi at this rate.”

 

“We’ll come back you know.”

 

“You don’t have to come.”

 

“But YOU’RE going. Ergo I HAVE to.”

 

“That’s not-“

 

“Can I go now?”

 

“Can I kill him NOW?”

 

“No… Let him go. He’s not worth it.”

 

“Wait, wouldn’t they take it straight to Mangaia instead?”

 

“No, Makuta wants to give you a CHANCE for some reason.”

 

“Well at least he’s fair. Maybe we can reason with him…”

 

“Good luck with that. He NEVER listens to anything I say. Well he does, but doesn’t take it on board.”

 

“What are you anyway? His secretary?”

 

“Henchman, thank you.”

 

“No offence, but you’re not suited for that.”

 

“I AM!”

 

“Having a gun doesn’t make you a henchman. It makes you a goon. There’s a difference. Besides, it’s MY gun now.”

 

“*sigh* Here’s to hoping Tahu is having better luck then we are…”

 

HE IS NOT

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Pretty nice couple of chapters!

 

I really liked the Jaller and Hahli scene. :P "All I did was keep someone out of trouble and do what my Turaga told me." :P

 

I was hoping the Area 51 reference would go further, but unless aliens showed up in the years after I stopped following Bionicle, I guess that wouldn't have made sense. :P

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Pretty nice couple of chapters!

 

I really liked the Jaller and Hahli scene. :P "All I did was keep someone out of trouble and do what my Turaga told me." :P

 

I was hoping the Area 51 reference would go further, but unless aliens showed up in the years after I stopped following Bionicle, I guess that wouldn't have made sense. :P

It was a reference to the fact they share the same number. Well actually they don't, but I've fixed that. A little.

 

Oh and that scene was supposed to be a flashfoward. Like a flashback but in the future instead of the past. And you forgot the insulting Nuhrii and Vhisola part.

 

Thank you though.

 

Part 53: Mutiny in the Mines

 

“*sigh* I hope Gali is having better luck than we are.”

 

“I don’t know. I find the violent old man amusing.”

 

“You would. Now get off that weirdo!”

 

“He’s a dirty little thief!”

 

“True, but you’re going to get off him anyway or suffer the consequences.”

 

“Erm… what WOULD these consequences be Turaga?”

 

“Incineration. Which, coincidentally, you will all be getting.”

 

“Uh oh.”

 

Vakama began to glow with energy.

 

“No-one defies me and LIVES.”

 

“I, Hafu, do not think so.”

 

“Huh?”

 

The last thing before Vakama blacked out was a simple carving hammer.

 

“Hafu?”

 

“You?”

 

“Who?”

 

“Yes! It is I, Hafu!”

 

“Where have you been?”

 

“Knocking out the entire population of Ta-Koro. Except you two. Hold still...”

 

Outside, the Ta-Matoran were unconscious, and were being restrained by Onu-Matoran.

 

“Well, that’s that.”

 

“Where’s the Turaga?”

 

“I am behind you.”

 

“Oh thank the Great Spirit, you’re OK!”

 

“Yes yes yes, we’re very glad you’re OK. Turaga, I believe now is the time to talk about HOW YOU ALMOST KILLED US!!! Right Taipu?”

 

“I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don-“

 

“TAIPU!”

 

“I DON’T CARE!!! I’m going back to work on the tunnel, like the Turaga said! The Turaga are always right!”

 

“Then how come Vakama got the wrong guy?”

 

“He did not. Whenua did in fact detonate the bombs and destroy their tunnel. He had every right to want justice.”

 

“You are too stupid to reason with.”

 

“And you are too stupid to realize that what else would a tunnel detonation system be used for? DETONATING A TUNNEL OF COURSE!”

 

“Oh well HAIL TEHUTTI! You’re not in charge here!”

 

“Oh yes I am. Right boys?”

 

Around half of the Onu-Matoran there cried yes.

 

“The Turaga has always put his own skin above ours! It is time for a new leader! One strong and courageous…”

 

“Taipu?”

 

“NO! ME, FOOL!”

 

“PfffffffffffffffffffffffffHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!”

 

“What’s so funny?”

 

“YOU?! COURAGEOUS AND STRONG!? CODSWALLLOOOOOAHAHHAHAHAHAHH!”

 

“Cute. You know, I hear Ko-Koro has a nice little place for loonies like you.”

 

“This is mutiny Tehutti. I will see you hanged for this. Off a cliff.”

 

“This is no mutiny! This is a revolution against a rich and corrupt aristocracy!”

 

“Which then be followed by a reign of terror lead by an incompetent fool such as you!”

 

“SILENCE! I am now king, KING! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”

 

“No. That cannot be so.”

 

VIVE LA REVOLUTION

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

Off with his head!

"Well--OFF WITH EVERYONE'S HEAD!"

Off with everyone's--wait, what?

 

Tehutti is the Queen of Hearts, Onu-Koro is Wonderland...

And Tahu is Alice, Pohatu is the Mad Hatter, Takua is the Cheshire Cat...

 

Part 54: Communication Error

 

“*groan* Where am I?”

 

“You’re unconscious, idiot.”

 

“Oh no, not you…”

 

“What the Karzahni happened back there?”

 

“OK OK, I got a little cranky, sue me-“

 

“No seriously. I lost connection to your mind for a while. I got up until you started grabbing Whenua by the throat.”

 

“Connection? To my MIND?”

 

“Science! Physics! Technology!”

 

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

 

“Oh yes it does.”

 

“NO. It doesn’t.”

 

“YES IT-Oh hang on. I’ve got a call. Yello? Yes? What? You’re calling me from the past? Dude you could just tell my past self-“

 

“I’d ask what’s going on if I cared.”

 

“What? Yes? OK. Right. Wait, what? That’s messed up. Really? Wow. OK, bye. That was-“

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“It’s IMPORTANT though!”

 

“I DON’T CARE.”

 

“You NEED to know!”

 

“FFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNEEEE. What is it?”

 

“Somebody trying to sever my time-space-mind link with you! That’s why my connection shut off for no reason!”

 

“HUZZAH!”

 

“That’s a BAD thing.”

 

“Not from where I’M standing!”

 

“*sigh* Idiot. I’ll try to pinpoint the source of the interference, but it could by anywhere, anytime, past, present, future, or any combination of the three.”

 

“Combination?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Wait… carry the three… yes that makes no sense.”

 

“I blame the fact that YOU’RE not the destined guardian of time placed in a temple on a remote island that has the power to communicate to any mind through all of time and haven’t learned much about the quantum mechanics of temporal disturbances.”

 

“Yes. That’s reasonable. So, Makuta’s trying to disrupt our link…”

 

“You don’t know its Makuta.”

 

“Who else could it be?”

 

“You have lots on enemies, Vakama. Some you may not even know about. Not YET anyway.”

 

“…So Matau then.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“I hate you more.”

 

I HATE YOU TO THE VERY STARS AND MOON AND BACK

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Part 55: Mission: Possibly Possible

 

A small group of Ga and Po-Matoran arrived on the Ta-Wahi beach via a boat.

 

“You sure this is the place?”

 

“I come here every week to use the telescope up top. I’ve pretty much memorized the trip.”

 

“Wow. That is so sad.”

 

“What?”

 

“You come here every week? Must suck to be you.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“Tell me about it.”

 

“I’m the astrologer! It’s my job to observe the stars and see how close the prophecies are!”

 

“Denial.”

 

“Shut up, you know what you have to do?”

 

“Yes sir!”

 

“Excellent. Off you go.”

 

“Um… who’s coming with me?”

 

“Them!” Onewa pointed to the Matoran that went with them.

 

“Actually, they’re here to set up camp.”

 

Cue Onewa's facepalm. “To set up cam-WHY DIDN’T WE TAKE EVERYONE THEN?!”

 

“We can’t leave Ga-Koro undefended! The Rahi would demolish it!”

 

“They do that anyway. Right, who here wants to join Pekka?”

 

“Ooh! Me! Ooh! Ooh!”

 

“OK, can we have an application from someone who isn’t her?”

 

*crickets chirping*

 

“Fine. You can go with him.”

 

Vhisola leapt onto Pekka, who couldn’t sustain her wait and fell over.

 

“Great. Trust our future with an idiot and an idiot. What could possibly go wrong?”

 

HOW ABOUT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

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Part 56: 3, 2, 1…

 

“THAT?!” Macku exclaimed while pointing to a Great Mask… wedged into a cliff-face a few meters above them. “How the Karzahni are we supposed to get THAT!?”

 

“We could build a giant ladder!”

 

“Out of what? There’s nothing for miles but sand, water and rock.”

 

“You have no imagination.”

 

“How about we do something smart?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Hewkii is right Gali, you DO have no imagination.”

 

“*sigh*”

 

“We could use Ahkmou’s gun to blast the mask out of the cliff.”

 

“Excellent! Just three problems with that.”

 

“Three?!”

 

“One, it’s MY gun now…”

 

“*groan*”

 

“Two, I have NO idea how to use this thing. And three, I have NO idea how to use this thing.”

 

“THAT’S THE SAME PROBLEM!!!”

 

“I thought it was an important one, so I hammered it in.”

 

“Just aim and pull the trigger.”

 

“There’s THREE triggers.”

 

“Three?!”

 

“Did anyone else get Déjà vu?”

 

“Shut up and at least ACT like you’re trying to help.”

 

“Hey, I’m stripped of all elemental and physical power, so I have no choice but to lie down on the floor. That and the fact I’m exhausted after all that masklessness.”

 

“OK, that’s certainly not a word. Mr. “I read a whole dictionary.””

 

“You were exhausted DURING the masklessness!”

 

“You be quiet, you, aim and pull the first trigger.”

 

“Yes ma'am.” Hewkii aimed and fired. Unfortunately, out came a grappling hook, which latched onto the cliff.

 

“OOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKK… Try the second switch.”

 

Hewkii did so, and he was winched up by the hook and hit his head on the side of the cliff.

 

“…Third time’s the charm?”

 

“Wait, DON’T!”

 

Hewkii didn’t listen and fired anyway, blasting himself, the gun and the mask a few feet in the air before landing in the water.

 

“…I’ll go get him.”

 

“Nonono. Allow me. He’s my friend. And nothing more than that. No-one can prove we have any relation other than friend.”

 

SUSPICIOUS YOU THINK

GOOD ME NEITHER

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Good chapter! The grappling hook thing was funny! The last few lines about Hewkii and Macku are funny, too. :P

Never use something you don't know how to use. Otherwise you may end up like Hewkii.

 

Part 57: What Have the Turaga Ever Done for Us?

 

“How dare you get in my way?!”

 

“Because you’re about to kill people for no reason?”

 

“No reason?! NO REASON!? You must be stupid.”

 

“I know you are but what am I?”

 

“He didn’t say he was stupid, he said YOU were stupid.”

 

“Taipu, shut up.”

 

“…”

 

“…*sigh*… Please.”

 

“OK…”

 

“…Thank you.”

 

“I see you have not completely forgotten your manners, Nuparu.”

 

“I see you’re still not dead yet, Whenua.”

 

“That’s Turaga to you!”

 

“A self-imposed title! I mean, what have the Turaga ever done for the common Matoran?”

 

“Freedom?”

 

“Laws?”

 

“Peace?”

 

“Technology?”

 

“Profit?”

 

“Jobs?”

 

“Pancakes?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I, Hafu, couldn’t think of anything fast enough…”

 

“Could you please stop the I, Hafuing? We get it, your name is Hafu!”

 

“Alright.”

 

“WHAT. WHAT?! WHAT!!!”

 

“What?”

 

“YOU DON’T GET TO SAY WHAT! I ask you over and over and over and OVER to stop it, but SHE asks and you do it?”

 

“Oh I, Hafu am not going to stop. I, Hafu am just getting back at you for pretending to be me, Hafu and making fun of my tic.”

 

“…Why do I feel this is karma for something?”

 

“ENOUGH!”

 

“I agree. Everyone go home! No poorly rationalized revolution today!”

 

“You have no power over the Onu-Matoran people! Why should we listen to you?”

 

The Onu-Matoran following Tehutti nodded with agreements, with cries of “Yeah!” and “Yeah!” and “Yeah!” Did I mention “Yeah?”

 

“Because we said…” Tahu brandished his fire sword and revved it like a chainsaw, while Pohatu stood on all fours and stroked the ground with his foot, like a Rahi.

 

“…Good point. But we don’t take orders from the Turaga anymore!”

 

“Very well. We shall split Onu-Koro in two. We shall stay on this side; you shall stay on that one. Agreed?”

 

“Grr… yes…”

 

Tehutti’s Onu-Matoran went home, the crisis seemingly averted. Life would be a lot better if conflicts between nations were solved via threats from a more powerful third party. Doesn’t sound very nice, but it’s true.

 

“Turaga, do you think that perhaps slicing our village in half is a bad idea?”

 

“No. Now I do not have to worry about that troublemaker Tehutti and his followers. As a wise man once said: let them eat pie cake.”

 

“Who was that?”

 

“ME.

 

FOR PEOPLE WHO DO NOT FIND THIS FUNNY

EAT CAKE

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Part 58: Should Have Told Them Earlier

 

“There you go, but I AM going to want that back once we get YOUR mask back.”

 

“Of course. By the way, don’t you think it’s a little convenient that my mask happens to be the same one as the one that was stolen?”

 

“Sheer coincidence. I’m prepared to argue that until nothing I say makes sense anymore.”

 

“So like normal then?”

 

“Hey guys, why are boats carrying Ga and Po-Matoran heading towards Ta-Wahi on the sea?”

 

And indeed, there were.

 

“I… don’t know…”

 

“They’re… um… probably banding together to…”

 

“Hewkii, is there something you’re not telling me?”

 

“Well… the Ta-Matoran kinda attacked the Onu-Matoran and we saw this and went to the Ga-Matoran to help.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You couldn’t have said this EARLIER?”

 

“I could, it just didn’t seem like an appropriate time, that’s all.”

 

“…Idiot.”

 

“We have to stop this.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Well, the Matoran trying to kill each other kind of defeats the purpose of us trying to save them.”

 

“True…”

 

“Well, Hewkii can take my boat with me, since he walked here. You walked here right?”

 

“Well actually...”

 

“YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID. You two can take your boat, if you have one.”

 

“Um... we're supposed to go to Le-Wahi. Not saving midgets from killing each other for stupid reasons.”

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

“Well, if the Matoran want to slaughter each other-

 

“Why you selfish-fine. You can stay here and get to Le-Wahi YOURSELF. Now, where did we park the boat…”

 

Gali, Hewkii and Macku walked away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I guess you know who your friends are when they care more about the lives of complete strangers then they care about you.”

 

And so, Onua started digging…

 

WAR IS COMING AND MAKUTA NEEDS A PAWN

BE CAREFUL OF WHICH SIDE YOU ARE ON

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Part 59: Replaced

 

“*pant*pant*pant*… OK, I know I screwed up, I now I lost valuable equipment, and I know I gave away crucial information. But I think that, in the path of universal domination, there ARE going to be slip-ups, some just cause more than others.

 

I think, that co-operation, and acceptance of other’s shortcomings can lead to a great and enjoyable work environment.”

 

“I THINK, THAT PUNISHMENT, AND SCORN OF YOUR FAILURES WILL LEAD TO AN EFFICIENT AND PROFITABLE WORK ENVIRONMENT. OBJECTIONS?”

 

“No sir.”

 

“EXCELLENT. NOW AHKMOU-“

 

“Wait, who said that?”

 

“-YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME. I KNOW I SAID THAT THE LAST TIME YOU FAILED ME (EVEN IF IT WASN’T THE LAST TIME) BUT THIS TIME YOU HAVE MOST DEFINITELY FAILED ME.”

 

“Oh please. You know you can’t replace me.”

 

“I ALREADY HAVE. LEWA?”

 

A green figure wielding an axe stepped out the shadows.

 

“What is thy bidding, my master?”

 

“WHAT’S A TOA DOING HERE?! Stay back, or I’ll shoot!”

 

“YOU LOST THE GUN.”

 

“Yes but he doesn’t know that!”

 

“HE DOES KNOW THAT. HE KNOWS EVERYTHING I KNOW. HE IS MY SLAVE, AND YOUR REPLACEMENT.”

 

“WHAT?”

 

“I can feel a thousand mouths cry out in pain!”

 

“THAT’S NORMAL. YOU’LL GET USED TO IT.”

 

“You-you-you can’t. You-you-you-CAN’T! CAN’T REPLACE ME!!!”

 

“I CAN, I WILL, AND I ALREADY HAVE. THE TOA OF AIR, IS NOW MY INSTRUMENT, TO DO WITH AS I PLEASE. FAR MORE LOYAL THAN YOU…”

 

“I can feel the shadows overtaking me… it is a GOOD pain!”

 

“OF YOU POP. AND NEVER COME BACK IF YOU VALUE YOUR SMALL, INSIGNIFICANT LIFE.”

 

“If I ever see you again, I will take your EYES as SOUVENIRS!”

 

“How did you even GET this guy on our side?”

 

“THERE IS NO OUR SIDE. THERE’S JUST MY SIDE. AND, YOU’RE NOT ON MY SIDE.”

 

“I was blind before I put on this mask. Clinging to light, and blind to the truth. The Turaga poisoned me with his lies, but I found salvation in the darkness.”

 

“…WHAT?”

 

“What?”

 

“I was answering the weakling’s question.”

 

“AH…”

 

“You could have just said that.”

 

“Silence! Leave now, and NEVER return, lest I render judgment upon your-“

 

“OK, OK, I’m going!”

 

Ahkmou left, leaving the two maniacs to their devices.

 

“Now that we have disposed of him, now what do we do?”

 

“THE TIME HAS COME FOR THE END OF MATORAN SOCIETY AS THEY KNOW IT. MY FIKOU SPIES INFORM ME THAT TA-KORO AND PO-KORO HAVE BEEN ABANDONED, AND A SKELETON CREW GUARDS GA-KORO. THE DESTRUCTION OF HALF THE VILLAGES SHOULD KEEP THE TOA OF OUR BACKS LONG ENOUGH FOR… WELL, I’M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF. AS FOR YOU…”

 

“Name the task, and I shall complete it with zeal and unnecessarily large dealings of suffering and pain.”

 

“YOU MUST LEAD THE ASSAULT ON LE-KORO. MY NUI-RAMA HIVE IS GROWING IN NUMBER. SOON, LE-WAHI WILL BE MINE!”

 

“We shall be upon the green Spiriah like flies to a fresh carcass!”

 

“YOU REALIZE YOU ARE GREEN TOO, RIGHT?”

 

“I will EAT their HEARTS and SPIT out their SOULS!”

 

“THAT’S UNSANITARY.”

 

“Death to the Matoran! Death to the Turaga! Death to the Toa! DEATH TO THE GREAT SPIRIT! MUHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAA, AAHAHAHHHAHAHA! ARAHAHAHAHAHAANNAYAHAHAHNYAHAHAAA!!!”

 

“YOU REALIZE WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL ANYONE, RIGHT?”

 

“You’re no fun…”

 

FUN

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FUN LEWA

THE FUN IS ABOUT TO BEGIN

Edited by Toru Nui
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Sorry about there being no post yesterday. There shall be two today.

 

Part 60: All According to Plan

 

Tahu, Pohatu, Takua, Jaller, Hahli, Hafu, Whenua, Nuparu and Onepu were in Whenua’s hut discussing their “game plan”.

 

“OK. I think we got it, but just in case, tell me the whole thing again I wasn’t listening.”

 

“*sigh* Fine. Basically, Onewa, for whatever reason, decided to attack Ta-Koro. We blew up the tunnels to prevent getting there, and were about to pass judgement on him when Vakama appeared and started blaming us for destroying the tunnels, then you two arrived, and in the chaos and confusion, Onewa and his army got away.”

 

“How did nobody notice an ARMY sneaking away?”

 

“I don’t know, we didn’t notice.”

 

“Yes I think we got that.”

 

“Why ARE you here?”

 

“Because HE’S here. He stole my Lightstone!”

 

“I did not!”

 

“YES YOU DI-“

 

“Quiet. Then why are you here?”

 

“It’s a long story, but basically me and Hafu-“

 

“That’s me, Hafu, Hafu!”

 

“*groan*”

 

“That’s gonna get old pretty soon.”

 

“Ugh, tell me about it. Anyway, I found out through highly stealthy reconnaissance and detective work-“

 

“Codswallop. The Turaga told me, Hafu, that he accidentally dropped it in the middle of casual conversation with you.”

 

“I thought we agreed I was gonna tell the story.”

 

“And I, Hafu, thought we, Hafu and you, agreed to tell the story truthfully.”

 

“Fine. You do it then.”

 

“I, Hafu, was assigned to guard Takua when it dawned upon me, Hafu, since the Toa were here, we did not need to attack Ta-Koro.”

 

“I’m sorry… Attacking Ta-Koro, and the Toa? What’s the connection?”

 

“The Turaga believes that Vakama’s leadership has resulted in our, the Matoran's current, incredibly sucky state, since Vakama believes we, the Matoran need to wait for the Toa to arrive.”

 

“Wait, we’re here now, and now HE knows that. Problem solved!”

 

“Were it so simple. I know Onewa. He will continue pursuing his goals regardless of what stands in his way or how much evidence is stacked against him. He will attack the Ta-Matoran again.”

 

“Speaking of which, what do we do with an entire village of unconscious Matoran? Not to mention their Turaga is going to be incredibly mad when he wakes up, and we’re running out of sedagives.”

 

“SedaTIVES.”

 

“That’s what I said.”

 

“No you imbecile! You-“

 

“Imbecile? Do people really still use that word?”

 

“Silence woman!”

 

“That’s sexist.”

 

“HOW IS THAT SEXIST?!”

 

“You wouldn’t have called her a woman if she wasn’t a woman!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“WOW. You’re the stupidest person to have ever graced Mata-Nui. Barring Nuhrii of course.”

 

“No, that was merely a lapse in intelligence. He has those from time to time.”

 

“That could explain… Karzahni, EVERYONE on this island I’ve met so far.”

 

“Enough. We have to find a way to fight the Makuta, Onewa’s stupidity and the slumbering horror at the same time.”

 

“Well for starters, we need Tahu’s Golden Kanohi back. Now, where does an omnipresent shadow entity keep his bling?”

 

“Well, Matau, the Turaga of Air tells me that Rahi bring stuff they steal from us to a Nui-Rama Hive in Le-Wahi. For some reason they don’t bring stuff to the centre of the island, which is where we think the entrance Mangaia is located.”

 

“Right, how do we get to Le-Wahi?”

 

“We’re working on a tunnel there, but… 99% of our workforce is either on Tehutti’s side of Onu-Koro, or still refusing to work without Lightstones.”

 

“You could give them MINE…”

 

“I DID NOT STEAL YOUR LIGHTSTONE!”

 

“While on the subject of Lightstones, we usually get them from the Lightstone cavern, but a lava-main burst, and we can’t get there.”

 

“Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait. LAVA-MAIN?! Dakarzahni?!”

 

“Lava is a very valuable resource.”

 

“I’m fairly certain you don’t want PIPES carrying a highly volatile and dangerous liquid around that can be BURST.”

 

“All pipes can be burst! Just some more than others.”

 

“Lava may be volatile and dangerous, but it is nothing compared to Energized Protodermis.”

 

“Protodermis? That sludgy grey liquid we make metal out of? That’s not dangerous.”

 

“Not Energized. Energized Protodermis is highly dangerous. It can create, transform… or destroy.”

 

“…Why did you pause like that?”

 

“That is what they call an artistic pause.”

 

“You-you don’t pause in the middle of casual conversation unless you’re pausing for breath. That’s just rude.”

 

“How do we, us, tell between regular and energized?”

 

“Regular Protodermis is grey and sludgy, as Jaller described. Energized Protodermis is silver and flows like water.”

 

“Well enough about foreshadowing about a plot point that will only come into play a story arc later, how long is this lava river?”

 

“Ten Bio.” (One Bio is 1.37 meters, or 4.5 feet if you are a needlessly stubborn moron and refuse to keep up with the times)

 

“Oh dear.”

 

“Takua, don’t you have a Lavaboard?”

 

“A Lava-what now? Sorry I have amnesia.”

 

“THEN HOW IN KARZAHNI’S TOILET PAPER DID YOU RECOGNIZE ME?!”

 

“Plot hole?”

 

“What’s this thing you call plot that you keep throwing around?”

 

“…I don’t have the heart to tell him, it would completely shatter his mind.”

 

“Gee I… don’t know. I didn’t remember you until I saw-wait a minute… I DO know what a Lavaboard is! And I remember everything!”

 

“How convenient, seeing his best friend has unlocked his memories.”

 

“Yes I-Turaga! I helped you! All of you! I-I brought the Toa to the island!”

 

“You did? I mean-you did!”

 

“I could use the Lavaboard to get the Lightstones from the cave!”

 

“That’s the idea. But where is it?”

 

“I think I gave it to Agni.”

 

“Who?”

 

“That completely red guy with the Kanohi Miru.”

 

“Oh. Him.”

 

“Onepu, get this Lavaboard.”

 

“Yes sir!” And thus, he left the hut.

 

“What about Onewa, Vakama and their respective idiotic villages?”

 

“Hey!”

 

“I fear Onewa may come back to attack the Ta-Matoran we have in custody. We must dump them somewhere else.”

 

“I, Hafu, know just the place! You see, there is a top-secret containment facility in Ko-Wahi, secretly built by Po and Ko-Matoran to house any… unsavoury Matoran that we may come across. Only we carvers and Onewa know about it in the Po-Matoran community. We could take them there.”

 

“I don’t feel happy about you taking my entire village and imprisoning them inside what is essentially a loony bin.”

 

“I feel like I AM in a loony bin right now.”

 

“We all feel like that.”

 

“Wait, is this the same place Tehutti was talking about? How did he know about it?”

 

“I, Hafu, do not know. Someone must have leaked the secret, but who?”

 

“That does not matter. What does matter is how we get them there.”

 

“Don’t you have a tunnel to Ko-Wahi?”

 

“We do not use that tunnel anymore.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because WE DO NOT USE THAT TUNNEL ANYMORE.”

 

“Rightrightright, I won’t ask again.”

 

“We could take the cart from Ta-Koro to Ko-Wahi.”

 

“That was a cart? It looked like it was more of an anvil. That thing can seriously go up a mountain?”

 

“Well, I never said we SHOULD. Stupid cheap Onu-Matoran contract labour…”

 

“You realize we’re standing, right HERE?”

 

“…I mean reliable, reasonably priced-“

 

“Shut it, goldie.”

 

“I feel like I’ve heard that before…”

 

“Hmm… a Toa of Earth is an excellent digger. If you two are here, there is no doubt that he is here too, and could dig a tunnel to Ko-Wahi. Do you know where he is?”

 

“Last we saw him; he was heading with the Toa of Water to Ga-Wahi on Hafu’s boat.”

 

“Hafu, how long would it take you to build a second boat?”

 

“I, Hafu already did.”

 

“You DID? Why?”

 

“If there’s one thing I, Hafu, have learned, is to ALWAYS build two. Because someone will break it eventually.”

 

“Excellent. Tahu, you will take the boat to Ga-Wahi with Hafu and Hahli.”

 

“WHAT? Why me? And why them?”

 

“Hahli will no doubt be experienced with the terrain, Hafu is probably the only one who knows how to use his boat, and they need a bodyguard, since a good chunk of Ga-Wahi is inside a Rahi Zone.”

 

“Land of Shadow.”

 

“They are synonyms, for the last time.”

 

“Makes sense.”

 

“Alright, but I HATE water. And why can’t Pohatu go instead of him?”

 

“Pohatu will try to reason with Onewa, or at least keep him pre-occupied long enough for us to relocate the Ta-Matoran. You know, because they are both stoned-I mean stone people.”

 

“I resemble that remark!”

 

“Jaller and Onepu will go with Pohatu, but not reveal themselves. They will merely spy on the Po-Matoran and make sure none of them do anything stupid, or funny.”

 

“Oh I wouldn’t count on it.”

 

“Takua will stay here and use his Lavaboard to get us our Lightstones.”

 

“Fine. But he’s not going anywhere. I WILL get my Lightstone back!”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! I didn’t take any Lightstone!”

 

“LIAR!”

 

“Shush.”

 

“Wait a minute, what do I do?”

 

“Well what do you want to do?”

 

“I want to continue on…”

 

“On what?”

 

“I can’t say. It’s a secret.”

 

“…It’s not dangerous is it?”

 

“I can’t say. It’s a SECRET.”

 

“I don’t like people keeping secrets. Especially from ME.”

 

“You are such a nosy parker.”

 

“Well you do that. Does everyone understand what they have to do?”

 

*crickets chirping*

 

“Well I am not repeating anything. Get to work.”

 

“Sir, I’ve got good news and bad news.”

 

“Shoot.”

 

“The good news is I have the Lavaboard. The bad news is, the Matoran who had it, and two other Matoran are missing.”

 

“You people are the worst guards EVER.”

 

“Hey, do we tell you how to mine? No. So SHUT UP!”

 

“We don’t mine.”

 

“I said SHUT UP!”

 

WHAT IS NUPARU WORKING ON I WONDER

AND WHY IS IT A SECRET

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Part 61: Matoro’s Log

 

ENTRY 3279

FOUND SOMETHING IN THE ICE DURING CLIMB

SMALL SLAB LIKE METAL OBJECT

PROBABLY NOTHING OF INTEREST

 

ENTRY 3280

CURIOSITY HAS GOT THE BETTER OF ME

THE OBJECT OPENS AND CLOSES LIKE A BOOK

YET THERE IS NO WRITING AND THERE ARE NO PAGES

THERE ARE HOWEVER LETTERS AND SYMBOLS ON THE INSIDE

AS WELL AS A BLACK MIRROR

 

ENTRY 3281

WATER RAN OUT

HAVE TO DRINK OWN SPIT

AGAIN

BETTER THAN DRINKING MY *unreadable*

 

ENTRY 3282

WILL COME DOWN THE MOUNTAIN TOMORROW

HALF OF ME WANTS TO ENJOY THE VIEW WHILE I CAN

THE OTHER HALF WANTS TO GET BACK TO KO-KORO AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TO FIND OUT WHAT THIS METAL SLAB IS

 

ENTRY 3283

GOT DOWN THE MOUNTAIN QUICKER THAN EXPECTED

THE FACT MY LEG IS BROKEN IS IRRELEVANT

AS SUCH I CANNOT MAKE IT BACK TO KO-KORO

I AM GOING TO DIE

 

ENTRY 3284

TO ANYONE WHO FINDS THIS DIAR LOG

I FOUND OUT WHAT THE SLAB IS

IT IS *unreadable*

PUSH THE RED BUTTON

 

FILLER

SPOOKY FILLER

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Part 62: Know Your Boat, Love Your Boat, BE Your Boat

 

“Ah, there’s the boat.”

 

“Macku, for the last time I did come here on a bo-“

 

“YOU DID NOT. You hate water anyway. And you don’t know how to drive one.”

 

“I caught a cab.”

 

“…What?”

 

“TAXI!”

 

A Ga-Matoran driving a yellow and black boat came to them.

 

“…How much do they charge?”

 

“Five Widgets.”

 

“Oh that’s FAR too much. Highway robbery, I’d say. Come, we’ll get in MY boat instead…”

 

“*sigh* FINE.”

 

“Where’s the start-oh right, there it is. Where’s the wheel?”

 

“…In front of the driver’s seat?”

 

“Oh thanks. Radio… hmm… no reception. On a completely unrelated note, what happened to the antenna?”

 

“Unrelated?”

 

“Starter… where’s the keys…”

 

“On the seat, moron?”

 

“Pedals…”

 

“Where you put your feet.”

 

“Engine…”

 

“Inside.”

 

“Cupholder…”

 

“It’s holding that mug right now.”

 

“Passenger seat…”

 

“Now you’re doing it to irritate me.”

 

“No, I have no idea where these things are. Where is the hull?”

 

“I give up.”

 

“I can’t find the ignition either. Do I need to LITERALLY ignite it? What about the airbag? I don’t see it right now. Or the windshield wipers.”

 

“There are no windshields.”

 

“Well it pays to have them anyway.”

 

“No it doesn’t. You’re paying for more.”

 

“I didn’t pay for this boat.”

 

“Ooh… you shouldn’t have said that.”

 

“Why?”

 

Gali’s (Technically Hafu’s) boat was then towed away by a tow-boat.

 

“…I’ll swim.”

 

“Amen to that.

 

YO HO HO

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Part 63: Jaller’s Guide to Insulting Nuhrii

 

Ta-Koro was strangely… quiet. It isn’t usually quiet.

 

OK, the only reason it’s quiet because there was nobody there, but that doesn’t make it any less quiet.

 

“I still don’t know what happened. The last thing I remember was a crazy man swinging a hammer that was magically increasing in size.”

 

“Hmm. Even though it hit you, it obviously hasn’t yet.”

 

“Fortunately, I managed to hide and drag you two out.”

 

“…How does a bright orange person drag two people as heavy as he is out of a black, well-lit cave full of people?”

 

“Carefully.”

 

“That doesn’t answer my ques-“

 

“CAREFULLY.”

 

“Shut it you two. We have better things to worry about without you two arguing over stuff.”

 

“Stuff?”

 

“Better things?”

 

“We have to fortify this position; the Onu-Matoran could come out of that tunnel at any moment!”

 

“Fortify? With what?”

 

“You have no imagination.”

 

“You have a better plan?”

 

“Yes. I say we GET THE KARZAHNI OUTTA HERE!!!”

 

“Kapura is right Nuhrii, you DO have no imagination.”

 

“We already did that joke.”

Part 56: 3, 2, 1…

 

“We could build a giant ladder!”

 

“Out of what? There’s nothing for miles but sand, water and rock.”

 

“You have no imagination.”

 

“How about we do something smart?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Hewkii is right Gali, you DO have no imagination.”

“Screw you, I’m doing it again.”

 

“Perhaps we should try to rescue the Turaga; he would know what to do.”

 

“While I don’t disagree, how are we supposed to get him back? There’s three of us and an army of them.”

 

“Carefully.”

 

“*sigh* Mata Nui.”

 

“Shut up. I’m trying to think.”

 

“That would be a first.”

 

“Sorry, was that an intelligent put-down? FROM YOU? That must be a first as well!”

 

“…Jaller told you that one didn’t he?”

 

“Yes, he did. In fact he gave me this book of insults for anything you could possibly say.”

 

Agni took out a book the size of an encyclopedia.

 

“Anything I could possibly say?”

 

“Anything.”

 

“How much wood would a-“

 

“As much as your brain’s weight: 0.0 grams!”

 

“…Seriously?”

 

“Yes I’m being serious. That must be something your poor feeble brain can’t comprehend (the feeble was ad-libbed by the way).”

 

“Have you memorized that book?”

 

“Well, I haven’t finished the X section.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“All the insults that begin with X.”

 

“That can’t take up much space.”

 

“You’d be surprised.”

 

“Oh really?”

 

“X-RAYS couldn’t penetrate your thick skull! Xenophobic retard, YOU WILL RESPECT THIS insert other nationality here! X-“

 

“OK, OK.”

 

“Nothing is OK, you lobotomized OK-thinker!”

 

“That’s enough.”

 

“It will be enough when I says it’s enough, you moronic nuff-saider!”

 

“Oh please…”

 

“Please is NOT the magic word, scumbag, it is ABRA-insert curse word here-DABRA! Or Hocus Pocus, specifically Pocus up your-“

 

“As if I were offended by-“

 

Agni drew particular attention to that first word.

 

“It’s not that, it’s the nose, not the-“

 

“Can we do something productive sometime before the next Ice Age?”

 

“Ooh. I better tell Jaller that one for Volume 2.”

 

“HE’S WRITING A SEQUEL?!”

 

“Yep. Turaga Nuju has the script, and I hear (from his translator anyway) that he’s VERY interested. He even contributed a few insults of his own.”

 

“I’m fairly certain they were directed towards you two.”

 

“That would explain why he was being plural…”

 

THE THREE STOOGES

Edited by The Void: Eater of Worlds
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