BIONICLE 2001 Abridged

[Toru Nui]

Part 120: Ominous Abandoned Building Cliché

 

“Open up! This is the… um… local law enforcement! Come out with your hands up or I’ll break down the door! Alright, here I come!”

 

Kopaka flew out of the icy wastes through a flimsy metal door into a room made out of stone, deteriorated with age.

 

“Hello? Hello! Come on, I know someone must be in here, how else did that missile get fired?”

 

There was a sign on the wall: Ko-Wahi Detainment Facility. So this was a prison once, thought Kopaka. Obviously people hadn’t been here for a while. It was abandoned. But why? Why did it have a missile launcher on the roof? And who fired the missile?

 

These questions would not go unanswered for long. For through security cameras, Kopaka’s every move was tracked on computer screens. Neither the cameras or screens were originally part of the facility.

 

It had been built by the Ko-Matoran and Po-Matoran in the early days of the Rahi Wars to house any unsavory characters, but had been abandoned for years, and few Po-Matoran even remembered it existed, and none knew of its abandonment. The Ko-Matoran ensured the Po-Matoran kept the facility a secret, for some reason.

 

And that reason eyed Kopaka as he walked through the hallways…

 

SPOOKY

Edited November 30, 2015 by The Void: Eater of Worlds

[Toru Nui]

Part 121: Attack of the 10x Tahu

 

Eliminator quickly threw three Kanoka at the three Toa in front of him. Onua was teleported outside the hive and fell from a great height-

 

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

 

-into some quicksand.

 

SPLASH!

 

“Spiriah.”

 

Lewa was reconstituted at random into a biomechanical green donkey.

 

“*donkey noises*”

 

And Tahu was enlarged to ten times his size.

 

Allow me to go into more detail, Tahu began to grow, he pierced the roof of the hive (Lewa’s office was on the top floor), his feet got too big for the room and he fell down, bringing Eliminator and donkeyfied Lewa with him to the bottom floor. Eventually there wasn’t much left hive, due to Tahu thrashing his arms around like a drunk in confusion.

 

“Ah… maybe I should have checked the digits before I threw that…”

 

“*more donkey noises*”

 

Tahu grabbed Eliminator in his two-fingered fist and brought him up.

 

“You wouldn’t dare. Not allowed to kill, remember?”

 

“I won’t kill you. Velocity will.”

 

“What do you mean by-“ Tahu threw Eliminator towards Le-Koro. “Oh, this is what you mean.”

 

He crashed into Le-Koro. Specifically, the hut in which Takua, Jaller, Hahli, Hafu and Taipu were sleeping.

 

“Oh, hello mates! I’m gonna kill you all!”

 

“Oh I hate being in mortal danger.”

 

“Word.” Takua and Jaller shared a brofist.

 

24 SLEEPS TO CHRISTMAS

I CANNOT WAIT

[Toru Nui]

Part 122: Know Your Place

 

Beneath the caves of Onu-Koro, hateful eyes peered through the mind of Nuparu, currently stuck inside a tent on the Golden Beach.

 

“Oh great. The inventor is done for the count. I highly doubt anyone else in Onu-Koro will help me. So I’ll just have to find my new pawn on the OUTSIDE.”

 

“I DOUBT THAT.”

 

“Oh hello! Let me guess, you’re not really here, are you? You’re just hiding. Well, I’ll find you, and I’ll make you pay.”

 

“IT IS YOU WHO SHOULD BE PAYING.”

 

“So you think you’re ethically superior to me? You stabbed your own brother in the back and have been terrorizing the Matoran for only you know how long! How are YOU better than me?!”

 

“BECAUSE YOU JUST WANT TO DESTROY. IT’S ALL YOU KNOW. AT LEAST I JUST WANT TO MAKE THIS UNIVERSE A BETTER PLACE. BY FORCE IF NECESSARY.”

 

“I want and know more than destruction!”

 

“WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOU DID WHEN THE KEETONGU SUMMONED YOU?”

 

“OK, I may have devoured a few islands, but I was going to quit after-“

 

“OH PLEASE. IF WASN’T FOR ME, YOU’D HAVE DESTROYED EVERYTHING. TO BE HONEST I’D BE SCARED OF YOU IF YOU WEREN’T A TOTAL IDIOT.”

 

“How DARE you, YOU INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE-“

 

“COME AND FIND ME AT THE CENTER OF THE ISLAND IF YOU GET OUT. IF, THAT IS.”

 

“First, I will devour your mind, then, your body, and then your VERY SOUL!”

 

“GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.”

 

AS YOU CAN SEE

MAKUTA IS STILL THE BIG BAD

[Toru Nui]

Part 123: Can You Get a Refund For Food?

 

Gali, Vhisola and Pekka walked into Ko-Koro, which was built out of a hole in an ice cliff. Or something like that, anyway they came across a stall where one guy was selling green fruit.

 

“Finally, some food!” Gali gave the Matoran a Widget and took one bite of the fruit before spitting it out. “Karzahni no, give me back my money!”

 

“That’s not how it works.”

 

“How would you know?”

 

“I sell stuff.”

 

“Does that stuff include food?”

 

“Well no, but-“

 

“Well then shut up.”

 

“Just because I don’t doesn’t mean I don’t how! You can’t ask for a refund for food you’ve already eaten!”

 

“I didn’t eat it, I spat it out!”

 

“You’ve still technically taken a bite, so you can’t!”

 

“Look, we’re not here to eat. We’re to eat at the hotel.”

 

“Speaking of which, could you tell us where-“

 

The Ko-Matoran pointed to the large building marked HOTEL.

 

“Oh right.”

 

“Would it be impolite to say I’m surrounded by idiots?”

 

IMPOLITE

BUT NOT INNACURATE

[Toru Nui]

Part 124: Note that all Kanoka Transformations and Transmutations are Temporary

 

“YES! I’m a giant! Now I will be able too-“ Tahu suddenly shrunk. “Aww…” Then Lewa turned back into a Toa. And immediately spat out the piece of grass he was chewing.

 

“UGH! WHY DID I THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?!”

 

“Because you were a mindless animal.”

 

“I thought I was always that. Well you’ve destroyed my former place of work, lost Onua and threw our enemy far away where we can’t get to him. Good work!”

 

“You don’t have to be a jerk!”

 

“No seriously, good work! I hate this place, I hate Onua and I don’t want to be around that crazy guy again.”

 

“Well we’ll have to find him eventually. Say, is that… smoke?” Tahu pointed to Le-Koro, which for some reason was on fire.

 

“No I think that’s a dancing sugar cube. Of course it’s smoke you retard! Aren’t you the Toa of Fire?”

 

“Yes but I’m not the Toa of Smoke! By the way, do you think I would become one if I was drenched in water?”

 

“No time for that now, let’s get back there before the fire overcooks the breakfast barbecue!”

 

Tahu’s Golden Mask shifted into the shape of the Miru, the Mask of Levitation, the same mask as Lewa. They took to the skies and started flying. Well not technically flying, just over glorified jumping.

 

Completely not noticing Onua, currently slowly sinking in some quicksand below.

 

“Oh come on! I was right here! I’m going to steal all your stuff when I get out!”

 

IF HE GETS OUT

IF

IF IS GOOD

Edited March 27, 2016 by Toru Nui

[Toru Nui]

Part 125: Deal With the Devil-Expy

 

Nuparu paced through his makeshift tent prison. He was at his wits end. And that’s saying something, for despite his short temper and questionable common sense, Nuparu was actually quite smart.

 

Guards were all around him. There was no way for him to escape. He had nothing on him. No weapons, no tools, no materials. How could he get out?

 

The answer was simple, he couldn’t. At least he had the satisfaction of knowing this “Void” character would never get out from under Onu-Koro.

 

“OH BUT HE WILL.”

 

“W-“

 

“DON’T SPEAK, IT WILL ALERT THE GUARDS. TURN AROUND AND TRY NOT WET YOURSELF.” Nuparu turned around and the other side of the tent was now pitch black, and red eyes peered at him through the darkness.

 

“M-M-M-M-“

 

“YES, YES, YES. I’M MAKUTA. BIG WHOOP. I’M SPEAKING TO YOU TELEPATHICALLY. NOBODY ELSE CAN HEAR ME.”

 

Macku peeked her head through the tent. “I can.”

 

“SHUT UP.” Macku left. “LISTEN, I KNOW THAT I AM TECHNICALLY YOUR ENEMY. BUT KNOW THAT THE VOID IS FAR MORE EVIL THAN ME. YOU KNOW I HAVE THE POWER TO DESTROY THIS ISLAND A DOZEN TIMES OVER. IF THE VOID GETS FREE, HE WILL DO EXACTLY THAT.”

 

Yes, like the frigging MAKUTA would help him out of the kindness of his heart.

 

“I HEARD THAT. OR MIND READ, RATHER. ANYWAY, DON’T OPEN THAT COMPASS.”

 

It was a sundial, Nuparu thought. Stupid-

 

“SHUT UP.”

 

He was imprisoned in a tent, what was he going to do? As if to answer his question:

 

“ALERT, RAHI ATTACK!”

 

“OH I’M GOOD.”

 

No he wasn’t.

 

“I’M A HUNDRED TIMES MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU. YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.” The red eyes then disappeared. And the tent got significantly brighter.

 

HE REALLY THINKS HE CAN STOP MY RETURN HUH

 

WELL YES

[Toru Nui]

Part 126: The Inmate is Running the Asylum

 

“Ehrye remain safe… Ehrye remain hidden… Ehrye make sure-“ Kopaka stepped into the control room. “GAAAH!!!”

 

“Talking that like will cost you points in a social conversation.”

 

“Tall white guy want what?”

 

“Why did you fire a missile at me?”

 

“Ehrye remain safe. Ehrye remain hidden. Ehrye remain alone. Makuta hate Ehrye. Makuta kill Ehrye!”

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

“Makuta harm Ehrye. Ehrye remain here. Ehrye remain safe. Tall white guy serve Makuta!”

 

“I do not! I resent that. I don’t serve anyone.”

 

“Tall white guy harm nobody?”

 

“I will harm Makuta, that’s for sure. And my name is Kopaka. Don’t wear it out.”

 

“Kopaka protect Ehrye?”

 

“Sure. Why not. And stop talking like that!”

 

“Ehrye go crazy. Ehrye talk funny.”

 

“I gathered that.”

 

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT EHRYE

IS EERIE

[Petewa]

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT EHRYE

IS EERIE

But not quite Irrie yet.

[Toru Nui]

But not quite Irrie yet.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

 

Part 127: Everything Burns

 

Tahu and Lewa arrived at Le-Koro via Kanohi Miru. When they arrived, they noticed that everything was on fire.

 

“What twisted madman did THIS?!”

 

“Yourself.”

 

“That’s not true!”

 

“Yes it is!”

 

“Really? Where’s your evidence?”

 

“We have some, but I’m too lazy to present it.”

 

“Who are you idiots?”

 

“No YOU’RE the idiots!”

 

“Retard! We’re evil versions of you!”

 

“Oh how original.”

 

“My comeback or the fact we’re evil twins of you?”

 

“I can’t be bothered to indicate which, so both.”

 

“This guy IS your evil twin.”

 

“I can’t take this stupidity any longer!!!”

 

“Now may not be the best time to remind you that your original plan was to drink a dozen gallons of oil to become the quote ultimate flamethrower unquote. In fact I won’t bother to point that out.”

 

“SCREW YOU!”

 

ULTIMATE FLAMETHROWER

Edited December 26, 2015 by The Void: Eater of Worlds

[Toru Nui]

Part 128: DOOM

 

Gali, Vhisola and Pekka entered the Ko-Koro Hotel, to be greeted by… this guy…

 

“WELCOME MY BRETHREN! COME TO MY GREAT HOSPITALITY AND WELCOME!”

 

“Oh dear lord…”

 

“I AM KYLMA, THE PROPHET OF KO-KORO, AND MANAGER OF THE KO-KORO HOTEL! DO YOU HAVE A RESERVATION?!”

 

“Stop yelling!”

 

“I’LL TAKE THAT AS A NO. ROOM COSTS FIFTY WIDGETS PER NIGHT!”

 

“FIFTY? THAT’S HIGHWAY… well not highway, perhaps HOTEL ROBBERY! Oh that’s much better…”

 

“IT IS A REASONABLE PRICE FOR SUCH HIGH QUALITY ROOMS!”

 

“Your hotel is made out of ICE.”

 

“EXACTLY, IT’S NOT EASY TO MAKE A ROOM OUT OF ICE, YOU KNOW!”

 

“I’m not paying that amount of money to sleep in a room made entirely out of frozen water.”

 

“THIS IS THE ONLY HOTEL IN THE AREA. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT TO YOUR DOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!”

 

“Don’t you mean leave it to IT'S doom?”

 

“No. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!”

 

DOOM

DOOM

DOOM

[Toru Nui]

Part 129: Higher Plane of Existence

 

“GAAAAAAEHRGHASAGRHAHAHRHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

 

“Ignore it.” Tehutti had the Kraata forcibly injected into the M.a.R.K. Wires and other metal pieces pierced its body, causing it great pain.

 

Guess what happens next. Go on, GUESS.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHhahahahargh…”

 

“Robot. State your name and purpose.”

 

“Turahk…”

 

“No, your name is-“

 

“Ssstage one Kraata. Born of Makuta. I am a monument to fear.”

 

“What are you-“

 

“Turahk. Ssstage one Kraata. Born of Makuta. I am a monument to fear.”

 

“OK, you’re stupid. Get it out of ther-“

 

“TURAHK!” The robot began to shake violently. “SssTAGE ONE KRAATA!” It opened fire upon some random huts in the distance. “BORN OF MAKUTA!” Then it began running away causing havoc. “I AM A MONUMENT TO FEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!!!”

 

“…Will I never get this robot to DO WHAT I WANT?!”

 

Onepu ran outside with Nuparu’s prototype weapon in hand. “COME GET SOME!”

 

As soon as he pulled the trigger, every atom in his body began to transcend physical existence, becoming on the same level as me.

 

What? Where am I? What am I doing here?

 

Oh for-get him out of here!

 

No. Perhaps I shall have somebody INTELLIGENT to talk to for a change. No offence Kyle.

 

GET ME OUT OF HERE

Edited December 10, 2015 by The Void: Eater of Worlds

[Petewa]

No. Perhaps I shall have somebody INTELLIGENT to talk to for a change. No offence Kyle.

None taken.

 

Although I wouldn't exactly consider someone who chose a weapon merely based on colour to be too intelligent.

[Toru Nui]

None taken.

 

 

 

Although I wouldn't exactly consider someone who chose a weapon merely based on colour to be too intelligent.

Huh? Who's that? And why he is he insulting my intelligence?

 

Sorry about there being no post yesterday, the internet was being a slob. There will be two today.

 

Part 130: Tag Team

 

Le-Koro was now chaos. Ta-Matoran attacking Le-Matoran, Le-Matoran attacking the Shadow Toa, the Shadow Toa attacking the Toa Mata, and Eliminator was throwing Kanoka around at everything that moved.

 

But none of that’s important now; let’s see Tahu and Lewa take on Shadow Tahu and Shadow Lewa.

 

“ATTACK!”

 

“Sure.”

 

Tahu and Shadow Tahu started sword fighting, while the Lewas dived for cover behind some debris and started taking potshots of highly compressed nitrogen at each other. Like Kongu’s weapon in BIONICLE Heroes (Good game, by the way).

 

“Come on, DIE ALREADY!”

 

“We only just start-OOF!” Shadow Tahu kicked Regular Tahu in the gut, knocking him to the ground. Shadow Tahu quickly pinned him down with his foot, and readied for the killing blow.

 

“DIE!!!”

 

He was then knocked off Tahu by a nitrogen blast from Lewa, who was then blasted off the edge of Le-Koro by Shadow Lewa.

 

“YAHOAOAOAOAOHAOAOAOOAOAAAAAAAAA!!!”

 

Meanwhile, below, Ahkmou began to make his cunning escape.

 

“Heheheeh… while they’re distracted, I can begin my cunning escap-ARGH! OH COME ON!” He was then crushed by Lewa.

 

“Ah… that landing was softer than I expected…”

 

“*whimper*”

 

SERIOUSLY

WHAT THE KARZAHNI IS GOING ON

 

KILL HIM PLEASE

 

NO

[Petewa]

SERIOUSLY

WHAT THE KARZAHNI IS GOING ON

 

KILL HIM PLEASE

 

NO

Not important enough to die

[Toru Nui]

Part 131: When all you Have is a Rock

 

“OK, perhaps we can negotiate a reasonable price.”

 

“No, perhaps we can punch him in the face and then get a reasonable price.”

 

“Nah, perhaps we can go sleep in an ice cave somewhere.”

 

“THAT’S A GOOD IDEA, EXCEPT FOR THE NEIGHBOURS!”

 

“What.”

 

“THERE’S OPEN CAVE, BUT THE NEIGHBOUR IS A LOUD AND FAT KUMA-NUI!”

 

“…What.”

 

“OK, you distract him; I’ll knock him out from the back.”

 

“That is a terrible plan. I’ll just hit him with a rock.”

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“It would be a BIG rock.”

 

Then Pohatu came in.

 

“Hey, you got a drink of water?”

 

Then the front of the hotel exploded.

 

KA-BOOM!

 

“Oh yeah, forgot about that.”

 

WHAT WAS THAT

WAS THAT TOA POHATU

 

SHUT UP PLEASE

[Toru Nui]

Will somebody please explain what's going on?

 

I've wrote you into my level of existence so I have someone to talk to who isn't the Void.

 

Screw you Toru!

 

Still not following.

 

Ah it'll make more sense as it goes on.

 

Part 132: Just Desserts

 

Takua stumbled through the flaming death-trap that was once Le-Koro.

 

“Mata Nui, where is the exit to this confounded place?!”

 

“It was over there, but it’s not anymore. Bamboo elevators aren’t very flameproof.”

 

“Tamaru! Have you seen Jaller or Taipu?”

 

“Oh Taipu’s over there.”

 

“Hello!”

 

“And me, Hafu!”

 

“*sigh* Hafu’s still alive. Of COURSE Hafu’s alive. As if I haven’t suffered enough recently.”

 

“I don’t know what’s going on. Explain?”

 

“To be honest, I, Hafu, haven’t been paying attention.”

 

“Hafu?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Die in a fire.”

 

“We’re already in a fire and-“ Takua immediately pushed Hafu into a nearby flame. “ARGH! MY, HAFU’S FLESH! IT BUUUUUUUUURRRRNNNSSSSSSSS!!!”

 

“Good.”

 

“We should help him. Doing otherwise would be bad-naughty.”

 

“And amoral.”

 

“That’s what I said.”

 

“Yes, but wait a minute. I’m enjoying this.”

 

“DEAR MATA NUI, WHY IS THIS FIRE SO HOT?!”

 

BECAUSE IT IS FIRE

 

YES YES YES

SHUT UP

[Toru Nui]

Part 133: Competent Tech Support Only Exists in the Bionicle Universe

 

“Oh come on! You gotta be kidding me! Still no connection? Can’t you try anything else?”

 

“There’s nothing else to try! I’ve rewired the entire machine! I even solved the overheat problem by adding an oven!”

 

DING!

 

“Speaking of which, lunch is ready.”

 

“Well there obviously must be some problem, or else the connection would be fine.”

 

“The problem isn’t with OUR end; it’s with VAKAMA’S end. Something might be messing with his brain…”

 

“Can you fix it?”

 

“Fix it?”

 

“Yes!”

 

“Fix Vakama’s brain, from here, to a place that no longer exists, thousands of years in the past?”

 

“Oh…”

 

“Sure I can do it.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Because I am magic.”

 

“*sigh*”

 

“I am a wizard.”

 

“Yes, I get it…”

 

“I have magical powers.”

 

“You’re funny…”

 

“I have the magical power of common sense.”

 

“Continue and I will explode your eardrums.”

 

“Fine. But it be said for the record, that was incredibly stupid.”

 

“Why did I call you anyway?”

 

“Because I’m the only tech support for mios?”

 

“Sometimes, I really hate this job.”

 

“I hate your job too.”

 

THE FOLLOWING SCENE TAKES THOUSANDS OF YEARS IN THE FUTURE

 

SO THAT IS WHY HE LOOKS SO MUCH BIGGER

I THOUGHT HE TOOK STEROIDS

Edited February 2, 2016 by The Void: Eater of Worlds

[Toru Nui]

Part 134: Out of Control

 

Nuparu ran into the ruins of Ta-Koro. It was not completely destroyed, but most of the buildings had been destroyed. The bridge was almost destroyed, he barely made it across. He began to despair. The situation was rapidly falling apart. War was about to begin and there’s nothing he could do.

 

“NOT QUITE.”

 

What did he want now?

 

“PERHAPS IF YOU WERE ABLE TO FIND VAKAMA, YOU COULD CONVINCE HIM OF THE TRUTH.”

 

Fat chance.

 

“I’M SURE HE WOULD BE WILLING TO LISTEN IF HE WAS CALM.”

 

He used the Mask of Shadows to see what Vakama was actually doing.

 

“YOU ALL DESERVE TO DIE! DIE, AND GO TO KARZAHNI AND BURN!”

 

“…OK, MAYBE NOT, BUT YOU COULD TRY.”

 

That would never work.

 

“YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING, ARE YOU?”

 

Not really, considering he was projecting his voice straight into his mind.

 

“WELL NEVERMIND. AT LEAST STOP THE VOID FROM BEING FREED.”

 

How?

 

“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GENIUS. FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF.”

 

He was supposed to be a genius too!

 

“FINE. I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO DISCUSS THIS OVER DINNER?”

 

Sure. Why not?

 

DINNER WITH THE DEVIL

 

TO QUOTE A WISE MAN

I WONDER WHAT IS FOR DINN-

 

NO

[Toru Nui]

Part 135: Reason

 

Vakama and Matau were having an epic duel in the middle of a burning Le-Koro.

 

“Look, I only want to chat-talk!”

 

“Then why are you trying to hack my limbs off with that werid buzzsaw staff?!”

 

“WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING US?!”

 

“Because if I don’t, Ahkmou will reveal the “big secret”.”

 

“OH. I see… that guy again...” Both put away their weapons. “We have to kill him then.”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“Oh OK, we can do something else.”

 

“There has to be a solution that doesn’t involve homicide! Not efficient, sure, but we’re not killers!”

 

“Perhaps we could tear out his vocal cords without killing him.”

 

“He could still write…”

 

“We could tear his arms off...”

 

“NO!”

 

“Well then how do we do this?”

 

“Carefully…”

 

“Ah, the usual plan.”

 

“That’s the Matau I remember!”

 

“I thought the Matau you remember was an idiot?”

 

“That too.”

 

BIG SECRET HUH

WHAT IS THAT

 

AH AH AH

SPOILERS

[Petewa]

AH AH

SPOILERS

I link this pic here.

[Toru Nui]

I link this pic here

 

Part 136: Hospitalizing Hospitality

 

“It was nice of that crazy guy to let us have the room. After SOMEONE blew a hole in the front!”

 

“I did not! It was the missile.”

 

“YOU LED THE MISSILE HERE!”

 

“So? Not my problem he was a little clingy.”

 

“I think we should be grateful the missile DIDN’T blow him up.”

 

“I think you need to shut up.”

 

“I think, therefore I am.”

 

“You’re a think?”

 

“Huh… never saw it that way before…”

 

“We all think, therefore we are all thinks.”

 

“Except for you.”

 

“Can I kick her out?”

 

“As much as it pains me to say it, no.”

 

Then Kylma came in with a tray of food and drink.

 

“ROOM SERVICE!”

 

“We didn’t even order any-“

 

“UNGRATEFUL PEASANT.” He then took away the tray and slammed the door shut.

 

“…DARN IT GALI, I HAVEN’T EATEN SINCE LAST NIGHT AT LE-KORO!”

 

“…Le-Koro? Where HAVEN'T you been?”

 

“It’s a funny story…”

 

Pekka suddenly tensed.

 

The ruse was about to go up in smoke.

 

AS RUSES DO

Edited December 23, 2015 by The Void: Eater of Worlds

[Toru Nui]

Part 137: Unfair Advantage, That’s a Penalty

 

“It’s two against one! Surrender, and we’ll RIP THE METAL FROM YOUR BONES!”

 

“Uh… don’t you mean OR?” Shadow Tahu quickly shot Shadow Lewa a dirty bone-chilling look. “Point taken.”

 

“You people are idiots.”

 

“I’M ONLY AS INTELLIGENT AS YOU; THEREFORE, YOU’RE THE IDIOT HERE, IDIOT!”

 

“But then you’re an idiot too.”

 

“I’M NOT AN IDIOT BECAUSE EVIL IS SMART AND GOOD IS DUMB!”

 

“WE’RE NOT EVIL.”

 

“WELL I AM!”

 

“Who’s he talking to?”

 

“NO. WE’RE NOT BEING EVIL AND THAT’S FINAL.”

 

“Makuta, dumbbell.”

 

“Then why the whole Shadows thing?”

 

“Hey guys, what’s up?”

 

“It’s the REAL Tahu. Not the trigger happy pyromaniac standing next to me.”

 

“SILENCE! NOW HE DIES!”

 

“No.” Tahu flew off using the Mask of Levitation.

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

“YOU THREE ARE CREATED FROM THE VICES AND FLAWS OF MORONS. WHY DID I THINK MAKING YOU WAS A GOOD IDEA?”

 

HE WILL NEVER STOP ME AT THIS RATE

 

I WOULD NOT BE SO CONFIDENT

[Toru Nui]

Part 138: Ehrye’s New Job

 

“So this is Ko-Koro?”

 

“Ehrye says yes.”

 

“What a dump.”

 

“Ehrye says yes.”

 

“Stop that!”

 

“Ehrye is trying.”

 

“No. Do or don’t. There is no “try”. Pfft… TRY! Where do they come up with this stuff?”

 

“Ehrye says-“

 

“SHUT UP! Now, let’s see if we can get you some accommodation. And a job.” Kopaka saw the sign on the Ko-Koro Hotel. BELLBOY WANTED ENTHUSIAM REQUIRED. “You want to be a bellboy?”

 

“Ehrye says bellboy is acceptable.”

 

“Talking like that might put them off at the job interview.” They went inside.

 

“WELCOME! MY MY, ANOTHER TOA?! AND I THOUGHT HAVING TWO WAS AN HONOUR! COME TO MY ARMS WEARY BRETHERN AND REJOICE IN THE HOSPATILTY OF MY HOSPATILITY!!!”

 

“Nevermind, you’ll do fine.”

 

HAM DOES NOT BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT

[Toru Nui]

Part 139: Too Naïve and Trusting to Live

 

“So, what’s a Po-Matoran doing here?”

 

“Apart from being crushed by falling Toa, I’m here helping the Ta-Matoran. Not that I endorse their actions, you know, but-“

 

“Wait a minute, I thought the Po-Matoran were at war with Ta-Koro? And that the Ta-Matoran were unaware of it and were blaming the Onu-Matoran for… reasons…”

 

“Look, while I agree the situation is very complicated, I need to get out of here.” A falling branch that had caught fire and fallen off landed near them. “Right now.”

 

“Fine. I suppose I can get you a ride back to Po-Koro, but I have to come right back.”

 

“Right.” Ahkmou chuckled evilly to himself.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I-I was just thinking of something funny my Turaga said earlier.”

 

“Oh! Tell me! Tell me!”

 

“It’s-it’s Po-Koro humour. You wouldn’t get it.”

 

“Oh come on!”

 

“…Your mother.”

 

“…?”

 

“I told you wouldn’t get it.”

 

YOUR MOTHER SO FAT

SHE WEARS XXXXXL UNDERWEAR

 

YOUR MOTHER SO UGLY

SHE RESEMBLES YOU IN EVERY WAY

 

YOU SON OF A-

 

QUIET

[Erasmus Graves]

This is a first-class comedy. This is great. This is awesome.
 
And where on Earth (no pun intended) is Onua? Why aren't he and Shadow Onua fighting.
 
I, Hafu Bestcarverintheuniverse LegendarykolhiiplayerinPo-Koroius Smackedthatdoghewkiius Bashedthattraitorahkmouius Wentintothedesertlikeabossius  Totallyhookedupwithmackubehindhewkii'sbackius this-and-that, blah-blah-blahius, Mynameandtitlesaretolongtobeputdownhereius declare this comedy is a true classic.

 

This is extremely addictive. Keep up the good work.
 

[Toru Nui]

This is a first-class comedy. This is great. This is awesome.

 

And where on Earth (no pun intended) is Onua? Why aren't he and Shadow Onua fighting.

 

I, Hafu Bestcarverintheuniverse LegendarykolhiiplayerinPo-Koroius Smackedthatdoghewkiius Bashedthattraitorahkmouius Wentintothedesertlikeabossius  Totallyhookedupwithmackubehindhewkii'sbackius this-and-that, blah-blah-blahius, Mynameandtitlesaretolongtobeputdownhereius declare this comedy is a true classic.

 

This is extremely addictive. Keep up the good work.

Well thank you.

 

By the way, Onua is currently drowning in a pool of quicksand.

 

“I'LL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS YOU PRUNE-FACED FREA-BBLBLLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBL...”

 

But I believe the more pressing question is:

 

Part 140: What Happened to Matoro?

 

Underneath Ko-Wahi, there lies a complex maze of ice caverns, caused by Makuta to transmit his Rahi. Makuta had a convoy of them navigating the upper level of these cavern, trying to find out where the Karzahni his Mana-Ko went after it fell through a hole in the ground in part 100.

 

Imagine his surprise when he found out it was still functioning.

 

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! AHAH, AHAH, HAHAHHHHAHAHAH!!! HA! MY MANA-KO STILL FUNCTIONS! RISE, AND FIND ME THE BACK-UP COMPUTER!”

 

The Mana-Ko grunted and turned on its side.

 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN “FIVE MORE MINUTES”? GET UP YOU LAZY WASTE OF PROTODERMIS!”

 

The Mana-Ko grunted again.

 

“NO, YOU’RE NOT INJURED. I CAN READ YOUR MIND, DUMBBELL.”

 

The Mana-Ko snarled.

 

“BE QUIET YOU WORTHLESS HUNK OF METAL, NOW GET UP AND GET THE BACK-UP COMPUTER! OR SO HELP ME, I’LL-“

 

“LOOK OUT BELOW!” Matoro lnded through a hole in the roof and landed on the Mana-Ko’s head. Meanwhile…

 

“Hey, wasn’t Matoro supposed to come with us?”

 

“Oh he fell through a hole in the ice when we arrived.”

 

“…Why didn’t you tell us earlier?”

 

“It was Matoro. It’s not like he’s or ever will be important.”

 

EPIC FORESHADOWING

[Toru Nui]

Part 141: Quick! Quicksand

 

“I WILL DESTROY YOU, YOU SIX ARMED PURPLE SON OF A-BLBLBLLBBLBLBLBLLBL!!!”

 

“Quiet.” Orkahm threw a rope. “Here, grab this rope.”

 

Onua did so, and he was out in no time. Due to the fact on the other end of the rope was the stinger of a Nui-Jaga. Naturally, Onua let go of the rope halfway up and landed on a sharp rock. “OW! CURSE YOU SKULL, WHY CAN’T YOU EVER LAND ON ANYTHING FLAT?!” Onua then fell on the ground, limp. He then stood up, clutching his head.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

“NO I AM NOT! What are you even doing here?”

 

“I have no intention to die in a fiery inferno.”

 

“What are you babbling abou-OH DEAR MATA NUI LE-KORO’S ON FIRE!!!”

 

“Yep.”

 

“We have to do something!”

 

“No, YOU have to do something. Who’s the supreme being with elemental powers?”

 

“Me, but I don’t know if you noticed, I’m not very good at this.”

 

“Oh I noticed. But you are no less incompetent than anyone else. Now get your rear in gear and save my village!”

 

“Yes MAAM!”

 

“I’m not a woman.”

 

“Oh. I thought with the high pitched voice you were-“

 

“You’re an idiot.”

 

IS EVERYONE ON THIS ISLAND INCOMPETENT

 

WELL IF THEY WERE NOT

IT WOULD NOT BE FUNNY

Edited December 24, 2015 by The Void: Eater of Worlds

[Toru Nui]

Part 142: Not the Ideal Situation

 

“Um… Nice Rahi, gooood Rahi…”

 

Makuta quickly tapped into the loudspeaker on the Mana-Ko. “WHAT THE KARZAHNI ARE YOU DOING HERE?!”

 

“Living? Hopefully not to be interrupted…”

 

“…YOU KNOW WHAT MATORAN? I’M A FAIR ABOMINATION. I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU SIXTY SECONDS TO RUN BEFORE I LET MY RAHI DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO YOU.”

 

“…Play checkers?”

 

“HOW YOU’VE MANAGED TO LIVE THIS LONG IS BEYOND ME. SIXTY. FIFTY-NINE. FIFTY-EIGHT… WAIT, AREN’T YOU THE ONE-“

 

“Look, you can have your computer thingy, but YOU will have to do something about-“

 

“I HAVE, DUNCE. I CREATED SHADOW DUPLICATES OF THE TOA TO KEEP THEM DISTRACTED, AND SPICED UP THE CIVIL WAR TO KEEP THE MATORAN PREOCCUPIED. THAT MORON IS NOT GETTING OUT, AND EVEN IF HE DOES, HE’LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME!”

 

“OK. Here you go.” Matoro tossed the computer to the Rahi. It was immediately destroyed.

 

“I DON’T NEED THAT, I DON’T NEED YOU, AND I MOST CERTAINLY DON'T MISS AHKMOU! WAIT... WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!.”

 

“What DO you need then?”

 

“GET OUT YOU IMBECILE.”

 

GET OUT YOU IMBECILE

IS MY REACTION TO ONEPU

 

IT IS ALSO MY REACTION TO YOU

[Erasmus Graves]

There are many words to describe this comedy.
 
Genius. Madness. Hilarity. Stylish. Awesome. Epic.
 
...And that's just a couple of them.
 
--Mynameandtitlesaretolongtobeputdownhereius Swaggiestmatoranontheislandius FarmoreawesomethanOnewaius Anotheroriginalius-

 

FOR THE LAST TIME HAFU, SHUT UP!

 

Anyway, great job! Keep it up!

[Toru Nui]

There are many words to describe this comedy.

 

Genius. Madness. Hilarity. Stylish. Awesome. Epic.

 

...And that's just a couple of them.

 

--Mynameandtitlesaretolongtobeputdownhereius Swaggiestmatoranontheislandius FarmoreawesomethanOnewaius Anotheroriginalius-

 

FOR THE LAST TIME HAFU, SHUT UP!

 

Anyway, great job! Keep it up!

Thank you. And is Hafu... rapping?

 

Part 143: Yanking the Chain of Command

 

Onu-Koro was now in ruins, thanks to the Kraata’s rampage in the M.a.R.K. The Onu-Matoran evacuated, into the wastes of Po-Wahi.

 

“Alright everyone, here’s what we have to do, we-“

 

“No.”

 

“Who are you to-NUPARU?!” Nuparu promptly punched Tehutti in the face, knocking him unconscious.

 

“Alright, here’s what we-“

 

“No.” Onepu came down from the heavens in a flash of purple light.

 

“Oh hey Onepu. Where have you been?”

 

“The author was kind enough to write me back into the story.”

 

“You’re still an idiot, and I don’t know what you’re saying, but it IS good to have you back.”

 

“Look, what we have to do is-“

 

“No.”

 

“Turaga?! Where have-“

 

“I am actually quite good at stealth. What we have to do is-“

 

“NO!” Tehutti quickly got up, clutching his nose. “I’M the leader here, not YOU!!!”

 

“No. You are not.”

 

“Neither of you are! You’re both incompetent!”

 

“That’s rich coming from you.”

 

“Nuparu, use your oh-so-great intellect for something other than snark.”

 

“Everyone needs to shut up.”

 

“No, everyone needs to shut up BUT ME!!!”

 

“NO! EVERYONE BUT ME!”

 

“Sometimes I REALLY regret not finishing that doomsday device.”

 

GOOD

THE IDIOT IS GONE

 

NO

HE IS RIGHT THERE

WHERE YOU ARE STANDING

[Erasmus Graves]

Good to see Onu-Koro again (and Onepu back in the story itself).

 

--LaidoutaNuiRamawithasinglediskius Outflewtamaruonagukkoius OutcarvedMakutainacontestius DrankawholelitreofRottenBulajuiceoutinthedesertius--

 

Maybe he is rapping. Maybe he's not. Who knows the workings of the mind of a Matoran who refers to himself in the third person?

 

Anway, good chapter. Does Makuta miss Ahkmou, or is it but another lie in a tapestry of thousands? 

[Toru Nui]

Good to see Onu-Koro again (and Onepu back in the story itself).

 

--LaidoutaNuiRamawithasinglediskius Outflewtamaruonagukkoius OutcarvedMakutainacontestius DrankawholelitreofRottenBulajuiceoutinthedesertius--

 

Maybe he is rapping. Maybe he's not. Who knows the workings of the mind of a Matoran who refers to himself in the third person?

 

Anway, good chapter. Does Makuta miss Ahkmou, or is it but another lie in a tapestry of thousands? 

Well, I imagine Mangaia is quite a lonely place...

 

Christmas Special Part 1: Why Time Travel Would Ruin Christmas

 

WHIZZ! BANG! POP!

 

“Pohatu what the Karzahni are you doing the bathroom?! Those are not the sounds normal people make when they go to the loo! You know Santa won’t come if we’re not asleep!”

 

“Just a minute!” KABOOM! “Oh… hang on…”

 

Onua broke the down the door. “POHATU!!!”

 

“Look. I haven’t been doing anything illegal or stupid. I just converted the bathtub into a time machine.”

 

“Why didn’t you just ask Santa for a TARDIS?”

 

“Because then I would be travelling BACKWARD in time. And by then I’ll have already have enjoyed Christmas Day!”

 

“Wait, when exactly are going to go?”

 

“Right now.”

 

“You want to use the time machine to go a few seconds ago?”

 

“What? No!”

 

“You said you wanted to use it to travel to right now. Although it’s not right now, it’s a few seconds earlier. What exact date are you going to?”

 

“Friday.”

 

“…In numbers!”

 

“25.12.2015, 6:00 AM.”

 

“THAT’S TOMORROW! WHY ARE BUILDING A TIME MACHINE TO TIME TRAVEL TO TOMORROW?!”

 

“BECAUSE I’M SICK OF WAITING!”

 

“YOU JUST HAVE TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT EIGHT HOURS!”

 

“I CAN’T WAIT THAT LONG!!!”

 

“YOU WON’T BE WAITING! YOU’LL BE SLEEPING!!!”

 

“Oh dear Mata Nui, what are you two idiots up too now?”

 

“Pohatu built a time machine to travel to tomorrow.”

 

“OK, while that’s an incredibly stupid reason to build a time machine, the more pressing issue is who helped you.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Your brain is about the size of a baby midget ant, so clearly you couldn’t have built it yourself. And since Trader Who hasn’t updated in a while…”

 

“Who?”

 

“The Trader.”

 

“No, his names Vohon.” Suddenly, the Matoran equivalent of Galifrey jumped out of a crack in the wall and flew out into the inky black void.

 

“OK, ignoring the fact I have no idea what just happened, why did you say Trader Who when you knew who he was?”

 

“That’s the name of the story! Just because we’re Bionicle 2001 Abridged doesn’t mean somebody’s called that!”

 

“I, Hafu, agree! It should be called, the Adventures of Hafu!”

 

“GET OUT OF HERE; YOU’RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE IN THIS POST!”

 

“OK.” And Hafu left.

 

“Isn’t Trader Who supposed to update every Thursday?”

 

“Well yes, but it’s VERY hard to keep a steady update schedule. To be honest, I don’t know how Toru Nui hasn’t died of overworking yet, with our daily updates.”

 

“So THAT’S why our updates are so short…”

 

“Not to get us back on track or anything, but can we get back on track?”

 

“Oh. Pohatu, did Vohon help you with your time machine?”

 

“No, I just asked help from Krakua. In fact I was just about to screen chat with him, I’m having a bit of trouble.”

 

“ooVoo?”

 

“Skype.”

 

“Why not just chat him up on facebook?”

 

“HAHAHAHAHAH no. I’m not lonely, I’m not adolescent and I’m not retarded.”

 

“…One out of three.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Only an idiot would use Skype!”

 

“Especially with our internet.”

 

“Actually the only reason we have bad WiFi is because Lewa keeps climbing the antenna.”

 

“…Why?”

 

“I’m sure Lewa would come up with a rational explanation if you asked him, but I find it easier to understand things than you two.”

 

“That’s because you’re a gullible goon who believes anything he hears.”

 

“That’s not true!”

 

“What about the time I told you tar tastes like liquorice?”

 

“For your information Kopaka, tar DOES taste like liquorice.”

 

“I give up.”

 

“Anyway it’s finished loading now. So now we wait for Krakua to pick up.”

 

“How long has been loading?”

 

“Ten hours. I swear it’s getting faster.”

 

Krakua appeared on the screen. “Look Pohatu, whatever it is, can’t it wait? Overseeing time is not as easy as you think.”

 

“Heck no, I have to get this time machine ready before Christmas Day!”

 

“Well, no you don’t, it’s a time machine. You could finish it later, then travel back in time to now, then give your past self the completed time machine.”

 

“But… then Future Pohatu wouldn’t be able to get back to the present-future whatever.”

 

“He could simply then start work on the time machine from now so he could return to the future.”

 

“That makes no sense! If he started work on it now, he would be done with the time machine at the same time he started, therefore making that pointless!”

 

“I could just steal it back tomorrow, when I’m done with it and gone to tomorrow.”

 

“But then future you wouldn’t have a reason to go back and give you the time machine!”

 

“And if you DO go back in time, shouldn’t you be here, now?”

 

Suddenly, Future Pohatu appeared in his time travelling bathtub. “Greetings, men of the distant past!”

 

“Great, he’s multiplying. I should just keep my trap shut.”

 

Tahu came in. “Hey what’s going on?”

 

“Pohatu is time travelling.”

 

“WHAT? WHY, HOW?”

 

“…Huh. I forget WHY I came.” And then he vanished.

 

“Well it’s nice to know you won’t change at all.”

 

Gali, frustrated at all the commotion, arrived too. “Would everyone please get back into bed?”

 

“Gali, why are you here? This is the men’s bathroom!”

 

“There’s only one bathroom.”

 

“Yes and it’s the men’s bathroom!”

 

“Why can’t you go out in the bushes like Lewa does?”

 

Then Lewa entered. “I do not! I go in the hedges!”

 

“THAT’S THE SAME THING!”

 

“EVERYONE SHUT UP! Krakua, I need it finished NOW!”

 

“I don’t have time for this!”

 

“Why don’t we call Kyle Whyte and ask him if we can borrow Vohon? He knows a thing or two about time travel.”

 

“NO! NEVER MENTION HIM AGAIN!”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Being administrator of time is cool and all, but everytime there’s a breach in the space-time continiuum, I have to do the paperwork! Between that Scottish Spiriah Capaldi, those robots who look like Schwarzenegger and some fat talking dog in a suit and his sociopathic lagomorph friend, they’ve pretty much killed my entire social life!”

 

“What social life?”

 

“EXACTLY!!!”

 

“Look, Pohatu, I know you want to celebrate Christmas NOW, but I’m afraid you have to wait. If we could have Christmas any time we wanted, it would get old quick, and all the joy would be sucked out of it. That and all the money in the world would go down the drain after a few weeks.”

 

“*sigh* I suppose you’re right. Moment please.” Pohatu rushed down to the house and to the local pharmacy and back. “OK, here’s enough KO Pills to last us until 6:00 AM!”

 

“ANYTHING to make you sleep for once!”

 

“Ssssssh! Do you hear that?”

 

“What?”

 

“It’s the sound of… sleigh bells.”

 

“…That’s me tapping on your shoulder. It’s time to go to bed.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Looking out the window however, Kopaka saw something interesting. “Wait a minute, WHY IS THERE REINDEER DROPPINGS ALL OVER THE PATIO?!”

 

“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL, A GOOD NIIIIIIIIII!!! Blitzen! Stay focused!”

 

SERIOUSLY THOUGH

MERRY CHRISTMAS

[Petewa]

(cilped)

I found this entire update hilarious.

[Erasmus Graves]

A truly great Christmas special.

 

--Ruggedadventurerofmanywahis Awesometothemaxius CarvedthegreateststatueinMataNui-ius StaroftheMataNuiOnlineGameius-

 

NOW, NOW HAFU, THAT'S ONE THING YOU CAN'T LIE ABOUT. Wait... what did he say about Macku? I think I'll just call Hewkii...

[Toru Nui]

I found this entire update hilarious

 

A truly great Christmas special.

 

It's not over yet! We saw them on Christmas Eve... now we see them on Christmas Day!

 

Christmas Special Part 2: Crazy Carollers

 

Christmas Day. Stockings were emptied, presents were unrapped, and wrapping paper was thrown all over the floor. Fortunately, the Toa Mata had the world’s cheapest incinerator.

 

“I better get good presents this year…”

 

DING DONG!

 

“Hold on, who can that be?”

 

He opened the door to find Vakama, Takua, Jaller, Kapura, Nuhrii and Agni standing out in the cold with presents. “Hello. May we come in?”

 

“See? I told you we should have done that to begin with.”

 

“I still don’t see WHY they didn’t hear the knocking…”

 

“Because your knocking was incredibly quiet, imbecile?”

 

“Nuhrii, die in a fire.”

 

“I see you idiots are FULL of Christmas goodwill. *sigh* Come in.”

 

Soon, they were joined by Nokama, Hahli, Macku, Vhisola and Nixie, then Onewa, Hewkii, Hafu and Pekka, then Matau, Kongu, Tamaru, Orkahm and Sanso, then Nuju, Matoro, Kopeke, Ehrye and Klyma, then Whenua, Nuparu, Taipu, Tehutti and Onepu, and then (surprisingly) Makuta, Ahkmou, Eliminator and half the Shadow Toa. Tahu had trouble with the last group.

 

“No, I’m not letting you in.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I wouldn’t trust any of you any further than I can throw you. In your case that may be a bad example.”

 

“YOU HEARTLESS SCUM!”

 

“Let us in! We have PRESENTS!”

 

“Come on, it’s cold out here!”

 

“We promise not to kill you until the 26^th.”

 

“WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT THE KILLING, YOU MORONS?”

 

“FINE. Come in, but no evil!”

 

Now almost the entire cast of Bionicle 2001 Abridged was inside a large living room.

 

“WHEW! That’s all the presents unwrapped! I have to say, those were some really good ones!”

 

“Not yet, I haven’t finished unwrapping this one-OH NO…”

 

“What?”

 

Kopaka stood up holding an electric hairdryer. “Which one of you numbnuts thought it would be a good idea to give me this?”

 

There was a stunning silence.

 

“I thought as much.”

 

“Why is it a bad-“

 

“I AM ICE! THIS IS A HAIRDRYER! HAIRDRYERS PRODUCE HEAT! YOU DO THE MATH!”

 

“I agree. None of us even HAVE hair.”

 

“…Perhaps some Christmas Carols would alleviate this situation?”

 

“Excellent idea! Glad I thought of it.”

 

“No you didn’t! I did!”

 

“No, I did!”

 

“If anyone must take credit, it must be me.”

 

“Chirp! Caw!”

 

“He says you’re all morons and that it was his idea.”

 

“Alright, enough of this! Play me Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!”

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0byH9h1ClBY

 

“Those reindeer were jerks to Rudolph. Why does Santa let them come with him on Christmas?”

 

“One magical flying moose does not a FTL sleigh ride make.”

 

“Wow. I never thought I would have such a good singing voice.”

 

“Oh please. ANYONE can sing that. Play Frosty the Snowman!”

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6zW225k_O0

 

“Well that was depressing. The jolly snowman melted.”

 

“You deaf bat, the song says he’d be back next Christmas.”

 

“As what? A ghost?”

 

“Can snowmen HAVE ghosts?”

 

“He would come back as a snowghost!”

 

“That’s stupid and you’re stupid.”

 

“I never expected those violent barbarians to have such great singing voices. Perhaps I shall sing a tune as well-“

 

“NO!”

 

“Absolutely not.”

 

“Sanso, we’ve talked about this!”

 

“Please don’t.”

 

“*snort* Philistines.”

 

“Perhaps it would be better if someone CAPABLE of singing did the next one.”

 

“That’s my cue! Can I have Jingle Bells, please?”

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7s2VjwQSMw

 

“Question: who the Karzahni is Miss Fanny Bright?”

 

“It’s an euphemism for-Taipu, at some point we need to discuss the birds and the bees.”

 

“In a Christmas song?!”

 

“It was originally written for Thanksgiving, not Christmas.”

 

“So Thanksgiving is a darker and edgier version of Christmas?”

 

“Would explain why the main attraction is eating…”

 

“Now that you’ve ruined this song for me Onepu, I’m beginning to wonder what the titular “jingling bells” actually are… ew…”

 

“Oh good grief, someone play something uplifting! How about… Santa Claus is Coming to Town?”

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeZEn7Tq0GU

 

“Technically, he already came.”

 

“Technically, you’re a buzzkill.”

 

“Technically, that was completely unnecessary.”

 

“Technically, I’m surrounded by morons.”

 

“TECHNICALLY, THOSE WHO CALLS ONE A FOOL IS USUALLY THE FOOL HIMSELF!”

 

“Technically, you just called yourself a fool.”

 

“Anybody else find this song creepy? I mean, “he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” sounds like the description for some sort of horror movie.”

 

“No!”

 

“Come on!”

 

“GUTTERMINDED TRASH!”

 

“Why do you have to ruin everything, Vhisola?”

 

“Ehrye says no!”

 

“*sigh*”

 

“Perhaps we need something even MORE light-hearted… Ah! I’ve got it…”

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL6f6HqrHZY

 

“Ah. A song of lustful obsession. THAT’S light-hearted.”

 

“AHKMOU?”

 

“Yes chief?”

 

“SHUSH.”

 

“Sorry chief.”

 

“*sigh* These carols have been a disaster.”

 

“No argument here.”

 

“Or here.”

 

“Or over there.”

 

“Or up there.”

 

“Or down below.”

 

“WAIT A MINUTE! Every Toa except me has sung! That’s not fair!”

 

“Well what did you want on?”

 

“Let me do the honours…”

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vGPplLaVC0

 

“Why am I not surprised by your selection?”

 

“At least the carolling is over.”

 

Then Krakua came in.

 

“Hey guys! Did I miss the carolling?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Krakua, how are you here? I thought you were countless years in the future?”

 

“I hitched a ride with… HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED…”

 

“I didn’t know Voldemort could time travel. That probably would have solved a lot of his problems.”

 

“And how.”

 

“Aww… I really wanted to take part in that…”

 

“I suppose we could do one more…”

 

“*groAn*”

 

“How about… the twelve days of Christmas?”

 

“We don’t have that.”

 

“Oh please. I’m a Toa of SONICS! I’LL create the music, you guys sing!”

 

“…Very well. Let’s begin!”

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkhOIsKmDbk

 

“On the first day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, a Taku in a Vuata Maca!”

 

“On the second day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, two Razor Whales-“

 

“And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!”

 

“On the third day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, three Nui-Rama-“

 

“Two Razor Whales-“

 

“And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!”

 

“On the fourth day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, four Fishing Birds-“

 

“Three Nui-Rama-“

 

“Two Razor Whales-“

 

“And a Taka in a Vuata Maca!”

 

“On the fifth day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, *gasp* FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!”

 

“Five Golden Masks!”

 

“Four Fishing Birds-“

 

“Three Nui-Rama-“

 

“Two Razor Whales-“

 

“And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!”

 

“On the sixth day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, six Kofo-Jaga-“

 

“FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!”

 

“Five Golden Masks!”

 

“Four Fishing Birds-“

 

“Three Nui-Rama-“

 

“Two Razor Whales-“

 

“And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!”

 

“ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, SOME DUNDERHEAD GAVE TO ME, SEVEN TOA NUVA-“

 

“Six Kofo-wait, seven?”

 

“FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!”

 

“Five Golden Masks!”

 

““Four Fishing Birds-“

 

“Three Nui-Rama-“

 

“Two Razor Whales-“

 

“And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!”

 

“On the eighth day of Christmas Mata Nui gave to me, eight Lava Eels-”

 

“SEVEN TOA NUVA-“

 

“Seriously, seven?”

 

“FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!”

 

“Five Golden Masks!”

 

“Four Fishing Birds-“

 

“Three Nui-Rama-“

 

“Two Razor Whales-“

 

“And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!”

 

“On the ninth day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, nine giant robots!”

 

“Eight Lava-wait what?”

 

“SEVEN TOA NUVA-“

 

“Why seven?”

 

“FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!”

 

“Five Golden Masks!”

 

“Four Fishing Birds-“

 

“Three Nui-Rama-“

 

“Two Razor Whales-“

 

“And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!”

 

“On the tenth day of Christmas, the Makuta gave to me, ten iron maidens-”

 

“Nine giant robots-”

 

“What?!”

 

“SEVEN TOA NUVA-“

 

“And what does “Nuva” mean anyway?”

 

“FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN MASKS!!!”

 

“Five Golden Masks!”

 

“I’m getting tired-“

 

“Three Nui-Rama-“

 

“Two Razor Whales-“

 

“And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!”

 

“On the eleventh day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, eleven or so friends-“

 

“Ten iron maidens-“

 

“Nine giant robots-“

 

“Sociopaths.”

 

“SEVEN TOA NUVA-“

 

“I haven’t been briefed on the future storylines-“

 

“FIVE GAAAALLLLLLLLDDEEEEENNNNNNN *cough* *cough*”

 

“Five Golden Masks!”

 

“Four Fishing Birds-“

 

“Three Nui-Rama-“

 

“Two Razor Whales-“

 

“And a Taku in a Vuata Maca!”

 

“On the twelfth day of Christmas, Mata Nui gave to me, the 2015 reboot-“

 

“Eleven or so friends-“

 

“Ten iron maidens-“

 

“Nine giant robots-“

 

“Eight Lava Eels-“

 

“SEVEN TOA NUVA-“

 

“Six Kofo-Jaga-“

 

“FIVE GOLDEN MASKS!!!”

 

“Five Golden Masks!”

 

“Four Fishing Birds-“

 

“Three Nui-Rama-“

 

“Two Razor Whales-“

 

“AND A TAKA IN A VUATA MACAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

 

I HOPE YOU APPRECIATE THIS

IT HAS BEEN KARZAHNI APPLYING THE COLOURS

[Erasmus Graves]

Do we appreciate it?

 

Yes. We most certainly do. This was even better than the Christmas Eve special.

 

-- and I, Hafu agree!

 

HAFU! DID YOU HOOK UP WITH MACKU BEHIND ME BACK YEW 'ORRIBLE LIDDLE CARVER!!!???

 

I, Hafu did most certainly not!

 

YER LYIN'! AND STOP RIPPIN' OFF THE OPENING OF I, CLAUDIUS! JUST 'COZ YOU 'AVE THEM NAMES AND REFER TO YERSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON DOESN'T MEAN YOU 'AVE TO RIP OFF ROBERT GRAVES!

 

I, Hafu say--

 

*PUNCH*

 

YEAH, YOU BETCHA. SAY TURAGA!

 

I, Hafu say no--

 

SAY TURAGA!

 

OK, OK, OK! I, Hafu, say Turaga!

 

GOOD! *Punching continues*

 

Well, that's got Hafu off my back...

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Edited December 26, 2015 by Erasmus Graves

[Toru Nui]

Do we appreciate it?

 

Yes. We most certainly do. This was even better than the Christmas Eve special.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS IN ENGLISH AND NOT MATORAN

YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG

GO SEE THE DISCLAIMER AT THE TOP OF PAGE 1

 

Part 144: Back in Action

 

“OK, so we’re not sure what exactly what we’re going to do, but we are going to do something. Now how do we put out these fires?”

 

“I could do a rain-dance!”

 

“That is a terrible idea.”

 

“Too bad, because I’m doing it!” Matau did a little jig. Then a small raindrop fell on him.

 

“How about we do something that will work?”

 

“…Hmm… SANSO!” Sanso came over with a half-baked guitar.

 

“What is it?”

 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but… play me a tune.”

 

“YES! Finally a chance to prove my artistical GEEENIIIIUUUS!”

 

“You don’t say it like that. It’s three syllables, not ten!”

 

“Silence buffoon…” Sanso had barely done a few chords when every Ta-Matoran and Le-Matoran starting punching the living daylights out of him.

 

“Hmm. An inGEEENIIIIUUUS solution. If only Nuhrii was terrible at music yet thought he was good at it…”

 

“Everyone! We have called a truce!”

 

“…Can we get back to work then?”

 

“Yes. After someone puts out these fires.”

 

“Ahem.” Tahu appeared. “May I?”

 

“Look, while I’m all for fighting fire with fire, in this particular instance, that will just make things worse.”

 

“I’m the Toa of Fire, right? If I can create fire, why can’t I destroy it?”

 

“Because! Because… actually no, I can’t think of anything. But if this goes horribly wrong, I have the right to say “I told you so.” OK?”

 

“OK.” Tahu started spinning his arms, and suddenly, all the flames flew into his hands. In just half a minute, Le-Koro was free of fire.

 

And then the tree the village was built on fell down anyway.

 

GEEENIIIIUUUS

[Toru Nui]

Part 145: FALCON KICK

 

Pekka ran out of the hotel like a speeding bullet, rushing past Kopaka, Ehrye and Klyma.

 

“OI! COME BACK HERE, YOU! YOU HAVEN’T PAID FOR THE ROOM!”

 

“Where the Karzahni is he going?”

 

“Ehrye says-“

 

“Does it look like I give a Brakas’ rectum what Ehrye says?”

 

“YES.”

 

“Ehrye says yes.”

 

“Whatever. Mr. Ham, this is Mr. Cheese. He would like to work for you.”

 

“EXCELENT!!! COME MY FRIEND, AND WE WILL BRING HOSPITALITY TO THE HOSPITALITYLESS.”

 

“That’s not a word.”

 

“NO, IT’S AN ADVERB.”

 

“*sigh*”

 

Then Gali and Pohatu came in. “You guys didn’t see where that Po-Matoran went, did you?”

 

“He went OUT.”

 

“Specifically.”

 

“That way. That’s the ONLY way out.”

 

“Well there are windows-did you find out who was firing missiles at us?”

 

“What?”

 

“It was one missile and it was this guy.”

 

“Ehrye says hello.”

 

Pohatu promptly kicked him with the force of a strong horse on steroids through the roof of the hotel. “Problem solved. Now who was that Ehrye guy who said hello and can I kick him as well?”

 

Kopaka’s facepalm was the stuff of facepalming legend.

 

I HAVE A FEELING GALI WILL BE TELLING NUJU SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT TO WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO ORIGINALLY SAY

[Toru Nui]

Part 146: The Intelligence Balance

 

Takua poked his head out of some rubble. “Ooh… what happened?”

 

“Well, we were watching Hafu writhe around in flames, when suddenly all the flames flew off, and then Le-Koro collapsed to the ground!”

 

“Where’s Taipu and Hafu?”

 

“Oh they’re alive.”

 

“Both?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“*sigh*…”

 

“So, what now?”

 

“I don’t know about you, but I want to get as far away from here as possible! There’s this crazy Ga-Matoran who thinks I stole her Lightstone!”

 

“I think we should do something about these war-mongering Po-Matoran.”

 

“Probably. But they wouldn’t listen to me. I’m a Ta-Matoran. And they wouldn’t listen to you.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Well, no offence, but there’s a nasty stereotype going around that Le-Matoran are retarded.”

 

“No-one said the truth was appealing.”

 

“So you ARE all retarded?”

 

“NO! The truth is that people can’t accept the fact that people who spend their time in tree-branches and speak in an odd dialect-accent are just as smart as them.”

 

“Well then you’re STILL retarded.”

 

“What?!”

 

“I never said the truth was appealing either.”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“It doesn’t matter. Grab Taipu, we have to get out of here and think of a plan.”

 

“You mean YOU’LL think of a plan, because APPARENTLY we’re retarded!”

 

“Retard, you said that you were just as smart as us. But we’re retarded too, so you must be retarded!”

 

“SO THEN WE’RE BOTH RETARDED! EVERYONE IS RETARDED! IF EVERYONE IS RETARDED, WHAT CAN BE CONSIDERED RETARDED AND WHAT IS NOT!?”

 

“EXACTLY!!!”

 

I WILL BE DOING THE UNIVERSE A FAVOUR WHEN I DEVOUR THESE PEOPLE

 

IF

YOU DEVOUR THEM

 

NOT A QUESTION OF IF

A QUESTION OF WHEN

 

AND HOW

[Toru Nui]

Part 147: Bored Games

 

In Kopeke’s hut in Ko-Wahi, Kopeke, Nuhrii and Agni were playing a board game called Rahi and Toa. Agni landed on his third Rahi in the span of three turns.

 

“This game is stupid!”

 

“Well then quit play-“

 

“NEVER!!!”

 

“*sigh* This happens every time I let people into my house.”

 

“Well sorry, but-“

 

“Get out now.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I said so, NOW GET OUT!”

 

Nuhrii and Agni were now stranded in the Ko-Wahi wastes, stuck with the person they hate the most. And then they were joined by Matoro, who they both hated.

 

“Now, what were the chances of me falling through that crack in the ice?”

 

“Mata Nui, SHUT UP!”

 

“Not listening, LALALALALALALA!”

 

THREE IDIOTS AND A SNOWSTORM