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Realm Of Fear


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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Project Nightfall

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Posted Nov 24 2011 - 05:40 PM

“Our home was a paradise since it was made; it was full of fresh green plants, giant trees that looked like mushrooms and purple lakes without any pollution, void of any type of technology. We loved our home; it was a great life without worries or problems.But that was a past thing; we have been invaded a few weeks ago. We are slaves.They filled our village - a peaceful village hidden in Spherus Magna - with their wretched creations; Red metallic structures cover everything, giant buzzsaws tear our giant trees into dust, the tall towers strip the island of resources.Now we work as slaves, slowly destroying the place we once called home. They made this place a realm of fear, and there’s no one that can help us“---The Toa of Magnetism closed the book after he read that last paragraph; he left the book over the table and stared through the boat’s window. It was a sunny day without any clouds. He looked at the large red buildings that stood tall in the distance, he could hear the sound of slaves drilling the floor, and he could feel the fear of the citizens. He grabbed his backpack, his gauntlets and stared the door of his boat.With a swift punch he opened the boat’s door and stepped outside, his friend – a Toa of Air – followed him outside and stared the lush plants. The Toa of Air commented how fresh this side of the village felt, after all this part hasn’t been dominated yet, still having the environment that this planet had before they arrived.They walked slowly before reaching an abandoned village, now covered with the red structures. The Toa of Air looked inside the deserted homes and spoke with a heavy British accent “Three hundred Agori used to live here, now it’s a ghost town.”The Toa of Magnetism kept walking, with the Toa of Air close behind. Both of them arrived on this location after they heard word of something bad going on in these villages, their surprise after watching the horror that the villagers had to suffer through was immense. Decided, both of them realized that something had to be done to end this catastrophic event.After a long walk, they reached the point where all the machinery started to fill the village. The Toa of Magnetism stared at his friend and asked “Ready?”His friend stared at a giant structure that stood tall a few meters from their location, he sighed and said “Ready when you are”“We’re going to use our legs a lot my friend. It’s a long road until we reach the top. You sure?” the Toa of Magnetism answered.“I wouldn’t have followed you here if I wasn’t ready, let’s go already!” the Toa of Air said and started running into the metal structure. The Toa of Magnetism followed, but he went through a different way that ended near one of the towers.Sliding under a pair of buzzsaws that were cutting the terrain, the Toa of Magnetism stopped running and stared at what could have been his end. Sighing, he kept racing through the technological structures until he reached the giant tower. Before he could act, he chose to wait for his partner. Seeing that he didn’t arrived, he shrugged and said “Guess I should start to tear this place apart”He started doing a few hops, until he did a big jump and held tight a metal bar on the side of the tower. He started to climb the building, but when he reached the upper half of the tower he propelled himself with his legs and jumped away from the structure, flexing his body he wall-jumped from the side of a nearby structure and dashed into the tower while preparing his fist to strike the tower, using his Magnetism powers he made a big hole in the side of the tower.When he landed, he faced the tower and used his magnetism powers to send the red juggernaut flying into the ocean.As soon as he threw the tower, the Toa of Air arrived exhausted from running. “Huh, I thought there was a tower here” he said while trying to catch his breath.The Toa of Magnetism gave him a look and started running into someplace out of sight, the Toa of Air followed him while asking “Why are we hiding? Toa should protect people, not hide behind bushes”The Toa of Magnetism dragged his friend behind some bushes and held the mouth of the Toa of Air shut with his hand. Looking between the plants he could see three beings entering the scene and investigating the area where the tower was.The Toa of Air broke free from his restrains and looked at the newcomers, he whispered silently “Dark Hunters? What are they doing here?”“I don’t think they are collecting flowers here, don’t you think?” the Toa of Magnetism said sarcastically as he watched how four more Hunters arrived.The Toa of Magnetism could recognize a few of the Dark Hunters, signaling them he whispered “Gatherer, Mimic, Minion, Devastator, Seeker, Silence, why are they here?” the Toa of Air muttered. His friend gave him a look, to which he replied “What? I had a few breakouts from Odina before”Silent, they both started walking away from the Dark Hunters without gaining unneeded attention. When they were away from threat, they started running into the center of the island.“If we want to free the villages, then we will have to kick the Dark Hunters from this island” the Toa of Magnetism said while running. “And how are we supposed to kick some ugly, giant, brute evildoers out from a giant island? We’re only two Toa against a whole horde of Dark Hunters!” his friend yelled.The Toa of Magnetism stopped and looked at his friend, he stared at another tower a few kilo away and said “We will find a way”---Devastator tossed the body of a dead Agori into the purple waters, the villager had died from an illness for non-stop work. With disgust, he spat the dead body and looked at Airwatcher patrolling the skies.“Have you seen them?” Devastator asked.“Nope, and I really don’t think that two Toa managed to get inside our facility, we have it heavily guarded. There’s no way that two Toa could penetrate our defenses!”Devastator kicked a rock away with rage and pointed his finger at Airwatcher.“I know what I saw. There’s a Toa around here that removed one of the processing towers, do you imagine how the Shadowed One would react if he knew that two Toa are here?”Airwatcher thought for a second, and looked at the main processing tower that led directly to the core of the island.“You think he’ll get mad?” Airwatcher asked.“You bet he will” Devastator replied as he stared at the rest of the Dark Hunters.“Welp. Let’s get going then, Devastator. We don’t want Shadowed One to use our heads as trophies, right?”---The two Toa ventured deeper into the mechanic jungle, avoiding the buzzsaws and the patrolling Dark Hunters that were on the alert after finding out that a tower disappeared “in thin air”.The Toa of Air walked between some bushes and looked at the Dark Hunters who protected a tower that was constantly sending some kind of purple smoke to the air.“What are they doing there?” he asked to his friend.“Unlike the rest of the towers, the Dark Hunters really want to keep people from this one. There must be something inside” the Toa of Magnetism replied.The duo started climbing the giant tower, when they reached the top, they could see that the Shadowed One was there, supervising the work of machines that were sucking the energy of the core of the island.“We’ve found the ringleader, I guess” the Toa of Air muttered.Out from nowhere, Airwatcher appeared and yelled “The Toa are here!”The Shadowed One left silently, the Toa of Magnetism jumped inside the tower and started following the leader of the Dark Hunters, but was stopped by Devastator who materialized from sand before them.“Feeling lucky, punk?” Devastator said as he prepared to finish the rogue Toa.Seeing as he was surrounded by Airwatcher and Devastator, the Toa did a desperate last move and used his magnetism powers to crush the walls of the tower, bringing the whole building down and leaving the Toa of Magnetism stranded below a pair of gears, unconscious.---A few hours later...………“Bloody ###### lad, what have you done…”……“Hold on mate, we’re almost at the boat”……“Sit tight lad, we're going to New Atero. We’ll free this place later, my friend. I promise we will…”
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#2 Offline Snoopy82

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Posted Nov 26 2011 - 10:18 PM

This deserves line-by-line... good work, but needs some improvement. See below for suggestions. :)

“Our home was a paradise since it was made; it was full of fresh green plants, giant trees that looked like mushrooms and purple lakes without any pollution, void of any type of technology. We loved our home; it was a great life without worries or problems. Good opening, but first, since you are beginning the story with it, a little more clarity would be welcome. Also, as a general note, watch phrasing--how its written, it sounds like the giant trees look like purple lakes. Remove the "and" and add a comma.But that was a past thing; we have been invaded a few weeks ago. We are slaves.They filled our village - a peaceful village hidden in Spherus Magna - with their wretched creations; Red metallic structures cover everything, giant buzzsaws tear our giant trees into dust, the tall towers strip the island of resources.Now we work as slaves, slowly destroying the place we once called home. They made this place a realm of fear, and there’s no one that can help us“---Before we start this section, for future reference, please remember to space between paragraphs. It makes everything easier for the reader. :)Non critiqued paragraphs removedThe Toa of Magnetism closed the book after he read that last paragraph (This transition is a bit awkward; as I said before, some more evidence that the above is a book would work); he left the book over the table and stared through the boat’s window. It was a sunny day without any clouds. He looked at the large red buildings that stood tall in the distance, he could hear the sound of slaves drilling the floor, and he could feel the fear of the citizens. He grabbed his backpack, his gauntlets and stared the door of his boat.With a swift punch he opened the boat’s door and stepped outside, his friend – a Toa of Air – followed him outside and stared the lush plants. (The Toa of Air commented how fresh this side of the village felt, after all this part hasn’t been dominated yet, still having the environment that this planet had before they arrived)Runon......The Toa of Magnetism kept walking, with the Toa of Air close behind. Both of them arrived on this location after they heard word of something bad going on in these villages(Another runon-separate these clauses with a semicolon) their surprise after watching the horror that the villagers had to suffer through was immense. Decided, both of them realized that something had to be done to end this catastrophic event......Sliding under a pair of buzzsaws that were cutting the terrain, the Toa of Magnetism stopped running and stared at what could have been his end. Sighing, he kept racing through the technological structures until he reached the giant tower.(A bit of a let down--he almost died and he sighed? Spice up the description a bit! :P) Before he could act, he chose to wait for his partner(He brought about the waiting--the proceeding clause implies he was forced otherwise). Seeing that he didn’t arrived, he shrugged and said “Guess I should start to tear this place apart”.....When he landed, he faced the tower and used his magnetism powers to send the red juggernaut flying into the ocean.(Wait, did he just throw the whole tower into the ocean? Clarify in your description more.).....(The dialogue in this replaced paragraph is excellent, BTW).....---Devastator tossed the body of a dead Agori into the purple waters(Comma splice--use a semicolon) the villager had died from an illness for non-stop work. With disgust, he spat the dead body and looked at Airwatcher patrolling the skies......for the whole replaced section, use more description. Where are they, what are they doing?---.....This part was pretty good, just describe a little more, and provide some more warranting--why would TSO be associating with the masses?---Ok, I'm really confused about this whole part. I get and like the effect you're going for, but sometimes scarce can be too little--some more plot and description is welcome here. :)A few hours later...………“Bloody ###### lad, what have you done…”……“Hold on mate, we’re almost at the boat”……“Sit tight lad, we're going to New Atero. We’ll free this place later, my friend. I promise we will…”

A few notes--good, but you need some work. Watch your grammar/phrasing, use more description and atmospheric device, and as I said space between paragraphs. Good for an early attempt, but work on it some more. :)

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#3 Offline The Marlfox

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Posted Nov 28 2011 - 02:52 PM

i really like the first couple of sentences, describing the island. it makes the whole thing dreamy, in a nice way : )the idea of a toa with a british accent made me laugh, i like how unique it is. and devastator's one line, "feeling lucky, punk" was awesome. it reminded me of that transformer's movie.i didn't see any mispelled things, although i wasn't really looking too hard for them.but i enjoyed this story, good work has been done here.
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#4 Offline Project Nightfall

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Posted Dec 06 2011 - 11:25 AM

A few notes--good, but you need some work. Watch your grammar/phrasing, use more description and atmospheric device, and as I said space between paragraphs. Good for an early attempt, but work on it some more. :)

Yeah, still dominating the American Grammar, it's hard to do a story on a language which isn't the one you've been born with.And blame the bloody Microsoft Word 2007, it screwed up the format. Thanks for the C&C, I'll get better the next time.

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