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19 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Paleo

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Posted Nov 27 2011 - 02:36 PM

My first short story, I'm very open to criticism.Visual sensors: activatedAudio receptors: activatedTactile input: activatedMatoran Unit 542 sat up. Taking in his surroundings, he deduced that he had suffered a fall during work. Unluckily for him, no Toa Unit had been around to prevent his fall. He stood and stooped to pick up his tools. But just as he was about to grasp them, he stopped.I feeldifferent.The new feeling was unlike what he typically experienced. It was an odd sensation, and as he returned to work, it nagged him. However, after a few minutes repairing a control panel, he finally grasped it.He felt he should try to avoid falling again.542 shook his head.Falls are not dangerous. He thought. They only cause minor damage.He tried to rid himself from the feeling, but it kept coming back. The feeling that he should keep himself from falling again.As he moved down the walkway to the next panel, he pondered his new feeling.Falls are not dangerous. He told himself out loud. I should not worry.But worry he did. Going about his work checking pumps and repairing machinery, he thought about his new feeling, and then came to a realization.My feeling should have a name. After a few minutes pondering this, a word popped into his head.Care. 542 thought. I care about not falling.As he came to his conclusion, he heard the sharp CLANG of metal hitting metal. Looking up, he saw a large girder falling toward him. Momentarily dazed by the sight, he then jumped out of the way of the girder just before it smashed into the walkway. As other Matoran Units cleared the piece of metal, 542 looked back to see what damage it had done to the pump system he had been repairing. The side of the pump had been shredded. Bent and broken pieces littered the ground.As 542 moved back to the pump to begin repairs on it, a thought crossed his mind.Do I care about the pump?The thought stopped him in his tracks.Do I care about things I build?Gazing up at the reactors at the center of the huge room, he thought.If Matoran Units care about their creations, then does Mata Nui care about us?The glitch had begun.

Edited by Black Six, May 20 2014 - 06:17 AM.

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#2 Offline Aderia

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Posted Nov 27 2011 - 04:07 PM

Hey, let me just say, I would never have guessed that this is your first short story.The plot and concept of the story are well thought out, and something I wouldn't expect for a first SS. The way you managed to write in the mechanical/organic feel to your character really gave the story great perspective. It's different, and I like it. I think my favorite part of the story was the thought process your Matoran Unit followed, because it was believable and realistic. Also, the last thought, about Mata Nui, followed by "The glitch had begun" really helped give your story a lasting impact.Short, sweet, and different in a good way, overall, I really like what you have here. I didn't spot any spelling or grammar mistakes either. Keep up the good work, seriously!
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#3 Offline Paleo

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Posted Nov 28 2011 - 05:07 PM

I should have clarified about it being my first short story.I've had a few false starts that turned out horribly, and this is the first one I've finished.Thanks for the comments.
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#4 Offline Toa of Nerds

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Posted Jan 27 2012 - 01:28 PM

Short, yet beautiful. The concept is brilliant and perfectly executed. This story strikes at the very heart of what makes us human and not machines. Why are we human? Because we care about things, and other people care about us. Once again, brilliant. 10/10-don't touch my pocket protector
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#5 Offline Legolover-361

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Posted Jan 27 2012 - 03:19 PM

I really like this story. It's not drawn-out, but it's a very nice short concept that describes the "glitch" that caused consciousness very well. The story also makes you wonder -- if such leaps of logic as those performed by the Matoran in-story are possible, what would stop real-world A.I.s from taking the same leaps?
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#6 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Jan 27 2012 - 03:37 PM

Care was a excellent topic to chose, Paleo, and it undoubtedly displays a very defining "human" quality. A amazing read. I'll be sure to read any other storys you happen to write.(Congrats on making the news)
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#7 Offline The G-Man

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Posted Jan 27 2012 - 03:50 PM

While short, I loved the implications that this story has. Considering that while Mata Nui certainly created sentient beings from the beginning(like the Makuta), while the Great Beings originally created the Matoran and a few other species, this opens up many questions. I think thsi will influence my writing somewhat in the future.It's like the Portal of Bionicle short stories. :inlove:
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#8 Offline Pahrak #0579

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Posted Jan 27 2012 - 04:04 PM

This is a very interesting piece of work! The simple structure and presentation is quite suited to the simple, mechanical nature the Matoran are shown to begin with, and the progression of the Matoran's thoughts are quite logical while dealing with the illogical notion of feelings. I also like that the simple word 'care' is presented in such a way that it carries an extraordinary amount of weight, which is sort of symbolic for how pivotal this event is for the Matoran species. The way the thought expands at the end is quite nice as well, giving us a look at how and why Matoran may have come to form their beliefs. The final line, 'the glitch had begun', seems a bit ominous, but that could just be me.You say this is your first short story? I am impressed!
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#9 Offline Fsnorglepuff

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Posted Jan 27 2012 - 05:02 PM

Wow, I never read any fan fiction before, but this was on the homepage, and I see why! Uncluttered style, direct and fitting. I could suggest changing "feeling" to something more impersonal, like "sensation" or "awareness" or "sense". It would make the realization seem more like a machine being analytical at first, coming to a more acute and organic consciousness and the word "care". I hope to read more from you, continuing this story. It is wonderful.
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#10 Offline Phyoohrii

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Posted Jan 27 2012 - 09:10 PM

This is a startlingly existential short story. Just a couple of things, these 'glitches', and a whole new way of thinking and understanding the world, and presented succinctly and cleverly in this very neat little story. I find the penultimate line to have several implications, many of which seem to reflect my thoughts on Mata Nui nearing the end of the story, particularly Onua's thoughts in 2008 about in essence whether the Great Spirit really did care about his people (he and I were sceptical, and Mata Nui certainly acknowledged he had neglected them). I don't think that's the point you were making, but it's what I picked up. In essence, is it a glitch for us too? Probably not so much, many life forms that we often deem to not have 'rational thought' like we do (for wont of a better phrase) still have the ability to care about things. Maybe it is one of the key differences that make up being alive as opposed to being just a shell. The glitch of 'living'. I like this not for the writing (which has been done really well, no doubt) but by how it's made me think a bit about these types of existential questions from a BIONICLE perspective. Work that provokes thought to me is always the best sign of a great piece of work.Posted Image
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#11 Offline Ultimate StarsSaberBee 823

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Posted Jan 27 2012 - 11:26 PM

I would love to see this made into a short film, I mean heck, it might do well at Film-Festivals! Or just show it here so us fanboys and fangirls can sit here and eat our popcorn!
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#12 Offline We Are _G.R.I.D_

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Posted Jan 28 2012 - 11:40 AM

Marvelous! Just Marvelous!my highest congratulations, for this is a singularly epic piece of writing!in the way of criticism, i personally found it too short, but thats because i prefer long epics, like makuta island by galivee back in the day, and any idea not fully followed through is an opportunity lost...but this does raise some questions, if we presume that they started out all made and assembled in their proper place, and then we presume that everyone was logical up to this point, then does it mean they remember their entire existence?if so, when did they forget the beginning? when did they forget the first moment they woke up?or, at this point, can we presume that the matoran we know and love today are actually the second or third generation, after most of the originals died from such things as "falls" and whatever they called rahi in those days?and then this would explain how, with the decline of the population, mata nui became more and more decrepit and run down, with less matoran to fix him due to a fixed number of matoranbut then, if we presume we have newer matoran, with the oldest being toa and turaga, or some sort of third thing, then that would require some sort of matoran creation facilities inside mata nui.... and to my knowledge i never rememberd an answer to this problem being addressed...unless, of course, we presume they always had several million more matoran than they ever needed, and when they died they just promoted the best matoran for the job lolanyway, i hope i wrote all the above comprehensively and correctly, but in any case, my whole point in this is to congratulate you on your making it to the front page, and of course to admire your exquisite short story
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#13 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jan 28 2012 - 09:11 PM

Short and sweet. Although that jump "I feel different" felt sudden...like two realizations shot into one at once. First the Matoran would have to realize he had feelings. Then he would have to realize that was different. However, the progression from there felt very logical afterward, and it isn't too far fetched as a whole, despite what I just said. For a first short story, it is brilliant and I encourage you to write more.
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#14 Offline Onepumaniac

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Posted Jan 30 2012 - 11:41 AM

Huh. I enjoyed reading this story! To be honest, I actually wish it could have gone on longer, but you made it get to the point quickly and effectively. I'd say this is a bit of a diamond in the rough, because of how easily this story could have been lost with all the other larger ones. It's definitely interesting to think what makes us different from mindless machines, and how we're self-aware and we care about things. It's also kind of fun to imagine what events happened after this, but this was a great way to introduce it! Nice job :)
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#15 Offline Grant-Sud

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Posted Jan 30 2012 - 12:04 PM

I real short story, but the quality of it speaks for itself. The plot was great and kind of gave a parallel from a Matoran's mind to that of a Human's. Nice job!
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#16 Offline Actually... I'm Santa

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Posted Jan 30 2012 - 11:26 PM

Wow, after I saw this on the front page, I wasn't expecting this to be so short (that's not a bad thing, by the way. My attention span thanks you. XP)Interesting line of logic and I like the idea. The matoran has no name and we don't know anything about him. The character was very cold and calculating which is a huge difference from the characters we've seen through the years (a great contrast. I actually found it a bit refreshing actually).This story almost makes me wonder how the glitch spread from matoran to matoran and it also makes me want to see the glitch taking effect over time (seeing cold, calculating robots turn into individuals). Well, I can't really say it's everything that makes us human, though I do like how you decided to center around the concept of caring, and (like everybody else and their Mata Nui) I thought it fit really well.One point I think might have been better would be to keep the gender of the matoran a secret. I think the less we know about this character, the better (it wasn't really a major point, but it caught my eye). Although, that would be a lot easier if English had a pronoun that could be attached to either gender (and doing so could be awkward for some sentences, so it's understandable that you would choose one over the other). Other than that, I can't give you much criticism on this story. =/This was a really good story and I'd be interested to read your work in the future. ^^
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#17 Offline Paleo

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Posted Feb 03 2012 - 05:00 PM

Wait, this topic died over a month ago.Well anyways, thanks for all the comments.@SSJ Pahrak: The "glitch" refers to something said by Angonce.@fishers64: I started with the fact that Matoran are biomechanical. I then assumed that they would understand the term "feel", seeing as biological lifeforms can sense touch.@Onepumaniac: It was lost in the ruff. Only one person reviewed it before it died, and after it left the first page, I assumed everyone had forgotten about it.@Tekulo: Since the Great Beings created genders in Matoran, I made 542 male.

Edited by Paleo, Feb 04 2012 - 08:49 PM.

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#18 Offline GSR

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Posted Feb 05 2012 - 02:12 AM

Just saw this on the front page. A great idea for a story, and a wonderful example of doing a lot with a little; you could have tried to work this into a longer short story or even an epic about the Matoran developing, but this little piece really gives us the core of the idea in a very effective, appropriate way.
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#19 Offline X-Ray

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Posted Feb 09 2012 - 08:17 PM

A truly excellent piece of work, Paleo. It is small, but powerful. Only, I would like to ask why you chose to give your Matoran a number as opposed to a name. I understand that it may be to give your story an Orwellian perspective (though this is only a generalization; I've never actually read 1984 by George Orwell), it has been established that even the earliest of the MU species had names (e.g., Takua, the first Matoran ever built). But all in all, this is a fascinating and well told take on the personhood of Matoran, and also has mix of poigance in it. Perhaps Takua was not always Takua. Perhaps Tuyet was not always Tuyet. Perhaps this scene takes place during the contruction of Metru Nui, in the earliest years of the MU. Continue to write. If this is but your first story, then I wonder what your last will be like?Sincerely, :akaku: X-Ray :akaku:

Edited by X-Ray, Feb 09 2012 - 08:19 PM.

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#20 Offline The Marlfox

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Posted Feb 17 2012 - 09:39 PM

i saw the link to this story on the front bzp page, and i'm really glad it got featured, because it was a really good read. short and sweet and it left a lasting impact. there's nothing i can say that your other reviewers haven't already said. good work!
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