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Monsters In The Dark


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#1 Offline Ezorov

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Posted Nov 30 2011 - 03:19 AM

Monsters in the Dark

“Lewa.” A fragile voice breaks the agonizing silence. “Am I alone?” Gali’s voice quavers.The silence is suffocating. She collapses to her knees. Her body shakes violently as all energy seems to seep out of her. Dizziness rushes to her head and the world turns into a blur of black.The only hint of light comes from a sliver of moonlight in an otherwise dark cavern.A hand reaches from the darkness and touches Gali’s shoulder as an electrifying pain goes up her spine, jerking her head backwards. Her clenched hands that were first supporting her now crumple under her weight.She opens her mouth to speak, but only a moan can be uttered.The shadows hide the malicious grin of the nearby figure, as he releases his cold hand from her shoulder.Trying to remember how she got here, Gali’s mind flashes back to a memory from earlier that day.“Gali!” Lewa’s voice echoed through the forest.Gali propped her arms up beside the lake and hoisted herself out of the clear water. “I’m over here,” she called.Lewa broke through the shrubbery.“What’s up?” she asked, coolly.He scratched his head. “I uh, lost my Muaka again.”She grinned as she rolled her eyes. “Yes, ‘again’. I would say so!”He hesitated. “So—“ he began.“No, I will not help you find him again!”His arms dropped to his sides in defeat. “I know how much you hate me asking for your help, but just this one last time? I’ll never ask again.”There was entertainment dancing in her eyes as she let a silence fall between them.“Well, then we better get going,” she finally said, in agreement.“How do you even lose something that big?” Gali asked, as they scrounged the forest.Lewa pretended he didn’t hear her question as he walked behind her, shouting for his Muaka.“Wait, shh!” She swung around and put her fingers to her mouth. “Follow me!”She grabbed his wrist and led him to an opening of a large cave.Gali went ahead to the back of the cave, while Lewa stayed back and called for his creature.It wasn’t long before he heard what sounded like a short scream then a thump. “Gali! Are you ok?”“I’m fine,” she grunted quietly, then got to her feet. “There’s just some sort of cliff edge at the back of the cave. It’s kind of dar—“Something slammed into her body, knocking her down. Before she could do anything, a hand went over her mouth and a strong grip held her arms back.The darkness clouded what was going on in front of her, but she could sense someone walking up to her. Whack! She felt something strike her face and her mask clattered off.“This one will suit you much better,” a sinister voice said.She felt a mask being put on her face.“Release her. It shouldn’t be long now.” Gali’s body aches. All she can hear are the erratic beats of her heart. Her blurry gaze can see the strange shapes watching her with entertainment in their glowing eyes. They seem to be muttering, but her brain can’t turn anything into full sentences.“What’s…happening?” She murmurs, just above a whisper.The figures pause their meaningless talk and one slowly walks towards her trembling body, lying helplessly on the cold earth.He crouches next to her and laughs cruelly. “It seems we may have given you an infected mask,” he says in a mocking tone.She can now faintly make out an outline of the being, though she still can’t say for sure what kind of monster the evil aura is coming from.“Hey Gali, I found my cat!” a voice shouts from up on the ledge.She looks up just in time to see the Muaka pounce on top of the figure that was once next to her, and out of the corner of her eyes she can see Lewa kicking the other one down while he glides to the ground.Gali can only watch helplessly from the sidelines at the battle being laid out before her. Soon the Muaka and its rival disappear into the unknown, which leaves Lewa and his adversary to finish the fight.She diverts her eyes from the violent scene as more shudders jolt through her body, worse than before.When a severe stillness falls, Gali manages to pull together enough strength to open her heavy eyes and glimpse at the outcome. Lewa stands successfully over a motionless body, but his mask doesn’t seem to be anywhere in sight.She knows he will soon have to fight her, despite his lack of power.She is able to murmur one last thing to him before the monster inside her can take over.“Stay strong.”

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#2 Online Click

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Posted Nov 30 2011 - 05:36 PM

This was a pretty good story, but almost too short. You didn't really get much of the action in there, and the plot was kind of straight. It was well written and had a lot of good sentences in there though! Keep writing, just add a bit more.
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#3 Offline Ezorov

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Posted Dec 01 2011 - 08:17 PM

This was a pretty good story, but almost too short. You didn't really get much of the action in there, and the plot was kind of straight. It was well written and had a lot of good sentences in there though! Keep writing, just add a bit more.

Yeah, I do have to agree with you. I hadn't realized until after I posted this and saw some of the other stories that mine was incredibly short. XDThanks for the comment/critiquing though! I'll be sure to take your words into consideration the next time I write :)

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#4 Offline I AM MELON LORD!

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Posted Dec 01 2011 - 09:20 PM

I liked this entry.I think there could be more development between Lewa and Gali in the beginning and this seemed a bit rushed.Still, this really got my attention and it was a bit of a thriller. ^^ I like the way it ended, but I'm not too sure I liked the flow and the build-up to it. I feel like there should have been a bit more suspense.You left this pretty vague and open to interpretation, and I think you did that in the right places of the story. ^^Nice story, and good luck.
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#5 Offline Ezorov

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Posted Dec 03 2011 - 02:23 AM

I liked this entry.I think there could be more development between Lewa and Gali in the beginning and this seemed a bit rushed.Still, this really got my attention and it was a bit of a thriller. ^^ I like the way it ended, but I'm not too sure I liked the flow and the build-up to it. I feel like there should have been a bit more suspense.You left this pretty vague and open to interpretation, and I think you did that in the right places of the story. ^^Nice story, and good luck.

Ah, thank you! :]Yeah, I do now see what you're saying. Makes sense.And thanks for the comment! :3

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#6 Offline Velox

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Posted Dec 04 2011 - 04:37 PM

First off, welcome to BZPower, Katie! ^_^ Glad to see you finally joined, and this is definitely a good first post (we do not ever, ever speak of my first posts here =P) to have. Anyway, without further ado, my review. I won't comment on the creation of the title, obviously, since it was given to you, but I will say that your story fit it well, which was exactly the theme of the contest, so good job on that.My very first thought after reading this story? It was too short. Not in a bad way, mind you, but it literally just left me wanting more -- you're quite a good writer. Though, considering the amount of entries we had in the contest, I suppose I must satisfy my want for more by knowing that the judges will appreciate a shorter story. =P The beginning, I thought, was very well written. You captivated the reader right off the bat, practically forcing the reader to read more. Your diction was excellent, which was one of the reasons you had such a gripping start, the other being the content itself. You start with Gali in a tough situation, exhausted, beaten, scared. It adds to the suspense and overall mood of the story well, and perfectly sets up the rest of the story. The suspense throughout the story was pretty good. It could have been built up a little more, possibly, by focusing on the emotions of the characters, or perhaps by adding more description of the area, etc., but overall I think it was done well. The lack of a lot of action wasn't bad, in my opinion. Sure, there could have been more on the battle between Lewa and his opponent, but seeing as that was from Gali's perspective, it was done well. If you would have described every moment of that battle I would have been thinking "how was she able to see all of this?" After all, she is hurt and disoriented, and it makes sense that she would only see a little, then divert her gaze. I also liked how the story was in present-tense -- not many stories seem to be that way (or maybe I just don't read enough short stories =P), and you did it well.Overall, there were excellent descriptions, a good amount of suspense, and the plot was well thought-up. Quite nostalgic, too, of the early years of Bionicle. The next thing I'd like to address would be characterization. Yes, Gali and Lewa are established characters of the Bionicle world. However, I would've liked to see a little more development between them. What kind of relationship did they have exactly? Why does she hate him asking for her help? Why was there entertainment in her eyes? [pretty easy to guess those, yes, but it'd still be cool to see a little of their own thoughts as the other person is speak (or if you're doing the whole story focusing on Gali, then just her thoughts -- what was she thinking when he approached, when he asked, when he asked again, etc. What about when he showed up when she was in the cave?)] are a few questions. Though of course it may also just be me -- I've very big on the emotions and feelings of characters. Besides, it is just a short story, and I don't expect a lot of characterization -- those are just a few things I think could have been expanded upon slightly. And I'll get to this later, but I really liked her actions at the very end of the story, so good job there. The end was very, very well written -- again, the diction made it quite moving and chilling. Very sad, and very (probably) realistic as to how she'd be feeling, how a hero would be feeling at a moment like that, knowing they would soon be engulfed by the evil, unable to do anything about it, but wanting so bad not to turn -- her last thought directed toward trying to help someone else, more concerned about others than herself. Those few sentences gave some great characterization for Gali, showing what kind of person she really is; a hero. And just a couple nitpicks (just remember not to edit your story until the contest is over):

The only hint of light comes from a sliver of moonlight in an otherwise dark cavern.

Not a mistake at all, but I just think "aphotic" or possibly "Cimmerian" would sound cooler. =P Aphotic means literally "light-less" and since this cavern is light-less with the exception of the sliver of moonlight, it fits. And Cimmerian is just cool 'cause it comes from classical Mythology, and ever since I heard it in my Latin class (which also features some Mythology) I've been wanting to use it. =P And also since you say "darkness" in the next sentence, it creates some diversity.

Her clenched hands that were first supporting her now crumple under her weight.

That just sounds kind of weird...perhaps "previously supporting" or change the sentence all together to something like "Her clenched hands crumple under her weight, unable to support her any longer."

“What’s…happening?” She murmurs, just above a whisper.

Should be a lowercase "s" since it's technically a continuation of that sentence, even with the question mark.

She can now faintly make out an outline of the being, though she still can’t say for sure what kind of monster the evil aura is coming from.

Perhaps "can't accurately determine what kind..."?Great job again; keep writing! Your writing is quite superb -- I really enjoyed reading this story, and look forward to reading more by you some day! Best of luck in the contest!Posted Image

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#7 Offline Ezorov

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Posted Dec 05 2011 - 09:11 PM

Hah, thanks Andrew! And I'm glad you liked it :3(Now I'm slightly curious as to what your first posts were like ;P)It's true though, I really need to get back into the habit of writing longer stories!"I just think "aphotic" or possibly "Cimmerian" would sound cooler. =P" Haha, you make me laugh!It's true though… It would sound cooler that way :lol:Thanks for the review! It was really helpful ^_^
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