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To Catch a Gukko (Thanksgiving 2015 Special)

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Happy Thanksgiving! Whilst I’m busy keeping Tava away from all the pies, I’ve somehow found time to write another one of these things...and HOLY PLOT TWIST BATMAN, IT’S ACTUALLY NOT LATE! Have I been replaced with Mirror Universe Lewa0111 who writes comedies early? :P


Thanksgiving 2014

Thanksgiving 2011




To Catch a Gukko

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Part 2 of the Lewa# Studios Holiday Series 2015-2016


Turaga Dume watched from his Colosseum Box as the Onu-Matoran work crews continued to haul the massive pile of dirt out of the Colosseum, a leftover from the...interesting Halloween they’d had last month. The other Turaga, who he’d summoned, looked at him. “So, Turaga Dume, what do you need us for?” asked Whenua.


“We need to decide what we’re doing for Thanksgiving,” he told the group. I want to make sure, for once, that none of our holidays are utter disasters. This time, Thanksgiving is going to be problem-free, wonderful, and an enjoyable time for all of Metru Nui!”


Matau stepped forward, waving his staff excitedly. “I agree, that’s a great idea! We need a good one this year. Especially after the disaster that was this past Halloween--which had nothing at all to do with me, by the way--we need to make it extra-awesome!


“It had EVERYTHING to do with you, and you know it!” said Nokama, bonking him over the head with her staff. “Which is why I grounded you.”


“We’ve been over this! You can’t ground me!”


Dume cleared his trout. Then, he cleared his salmon, his perch, and his goldfish. “What smells so fishy?” asked Onewa, looking up at Dume.


With the leader of Metru Nui having finally gotten their attention, he announced, “Regardless of grounded-ness, I need all six of you to help. This has to be a surprise for everyone, even the Toa, so we do it ourselves. The task...is to catch a Gukko.”


“Hey, that’s the title!” pointed out Vakama. “It’s all my fault that that’s the title! It’s all my fault--”


As one, the other six Turaga yelled, “SHUT UP!”


:ziplip: ” Vakama emoticonned.


“That’s better. Anyway, this task will not be an easy one. You see, Gukko no longer live in Metru Nui. You might recall a certain recklessly-piloted vehicle careening through the air a few months ago, which terrified them all into fleeing the city.”


“It almost terrified the rest of us, too…” muttered Onewa, with a pointed glance at Matau. “We’re too old for this.”


“That’s what I told him,” Nokama pointed out. Matau, for his part, just stared up at the sky and started whistling in a vain attempt to look like he had nothing to do with the aforementioned incident.


Attempting to get back on topic, Nuju addressed Dume. “Beep whirr, whistle beep whistle whistle click fweep toodle toodle toodle toodle toodle toodle toodle BONK!”


“Hold on a second,” said Dume as he quickly grabbed a spare Noble Mask of Google Translate (a Kanohi resembling the Noble Rau, though with the colors of Google’s logo) and swapped it for his normal mask. “‘If you or your Gukko, ingest a city?’” Dume translated with the mask. “I don’t get it.”


“FAWEEP BUZZ BOOT!” shouted Nuju, frustrated.


“‘All I said?’ All you said what?”


Nuju just facepalmed, then turned to Nokama. “Chatter click beep weird Rahi noises,” he said.


With a sigh, Nokama activated her own (much more useful) mask and translated the first sentence Nuju had said. “Dume, he originally said ‘If the Gukko are no longer in the city, where can we find one?’ Your mask needs some work.”


“Oh. That makes much more sense, thank you. And my mask is fine!”


:uhuh: ” emoticonned the other six Turaga in unison.


“Just you wait, next holiday I’ll have an even better custom mask…” Dume muttered. Then he cleared his toast, ignoring the bagel, bread, croissant, muffin, and pastry also needing to be cleared. “Ahem, getting back to Nuju’s original question, that is what makes this quest challenging. The Matoran Universe’s entire population of Gukko have since migrated to Mata Nui, up above us. The seven of us will need to ascend through the tunnels, emerge onto the island above, capture a Gukko, and return safely.”


Onewa sighed. “Well, thanks just the same, we’ll be going then.”


As he turned to leaves, the other Turaga just stared oddly at him. “Are we really stooping so low as to quote ourselves from Web of Shadows?” asked Whenua.


“Yeah, and why did he turn into a pile of leaves, anyway? That was random,” Nokama pointed out.


Matau shrugged. “Just leave him there.” Then he paused, waiting expectantly. “Get it? ‘Leave?’ Oh, never mind, you’re all too old for my humor, anyway.”


“We’re all the same age. And you know it,” Nokama muttered under her breath. “Are you going senile?”


“Yep!” exclaimed Matau. Then he frowned. “Wait, what does ‘senile’ mean, anyway? Is it a compliment?”


Some time later, the Turaga (including a significantly-less-leafy Onewa) all stood on a boat just off the shore of Ga-Metru, watching Nokama ready the boat for sailing. “Yarr har har, ahoy mateys, me hearties, rum rum landlubbers walk the plank avast ye doubloons and swab the swashbuckler!” declared Nuju out of nowhere.


:o ” the other Turaga emoticonned in unison.


“Walk the plank, scalawags, yarrrrrrrrrrrr hoist the sails?”


Nokama activated her mask for a moment. “He says, ‘What’s everyone staring at? You didn’t know I was bilingual?’” She shrugged. “No, I didn’t. Apparently he speaks Pirate too.”


:blink: ” said Dume. “The more you know…”


“Whatever, can we just continue? I’m getting impatient,” complained Matau. “I’m missing my favorite show!”


Whenua rolled his eyes. “You’d expect after so many times, he’d get bored of watching himself on TV,” he whispered to Nokama.


“For once--and I’m honestly shocked I’m saying this--I agree with Matau,” Onewa said. “Let’s go.”


:OMG: ” emoticonned Dume. “IT’S THE APOCALYPSE!”




Suddenly, Vakama ran up from belowdecks. “It’s the apocalypse?” he asked. “Oh no! It’s all my fault it’s the apocalypse! It’s all my fault that--” He was stopped from going any further by Onewa grabbing a randomly appeared piece of pizza and shoving it into Vakama’s mouth. “Mmmmmph mmmm mmmmmmph mph mmph!”


Nokama activated her mask, purely out of habit by now. “He said ‘It’s all my fault I can’t talk! It’s all my fault Onewa shoved pizza in--’”


“You know? Somehow I think we could’ve figured that out ourselves,” Onewa said sarcastically. “Don’t you start.”


“I will start...the boat, so we can get going,” Nokama said. With that, she swung down from the mast and landed perfectly onto the button to start the boat’s engines. What she hadn’t realized was that earlier, Matau had leaned on the speed lever, pushing it all the way to ‘Ludicrous’ speed.


The panicked screams of six old geezers (and one old geezette) could be heard across all of Metru Nui.


“‘Geezette?’ Really? That has to be the dumbest word I have ever heard in my life,” complained Whenua, a few minutes later.


Why is it always the Onu-characters arguing with me?


“I don’t know, or care, but I could do a much better job than you…”


Oh, shut up.


“If we’re quite done arguing with authors and breaking the fourth wall,” said Dume, “we’ve arrived.”


Dizzy and nauseous, the seven Turaga stumbled off of the boat onto the sandy shores of Mata Nui. The only good thing about Nokama’s mistake was that it made the trip take much shorter than it otherwise would have. “Well, we’ve made it to Mata Nui,” Dume declared.


“Yarr harr fiddle dee dee,” commented Nuju. This time, Nokama didn’t bother translating, as she was still sick from the trip.


“Wahoo! Let’s go catch ourselves one fine-fresh Gukko!” shouted Matau. Onewa looked askance at him. “What? I’m excited. Also, ‘askance’ is a cool word.”


“You know, technically we didn’t actually make it to Mata Nui, since we were technically already inside Mata Nui,” Whenua pointed out.


Dume just glared at him. “You know full well what I meant. Mata Nui the island, not the Spirit.”


The BZP member SPIRIT appeared out of nowhere. “Somebody talking about me?” he asked.


“No.” said a randomly appeared Takanuva.


“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!” said an equally random Kopaka.


“Somebody needs to get rid of all these time-comedy warp portals,” muttered Dume as he threw all three characters into one of said portals and slammed it shut.


Matau bounced over to them. “Can we just get going? Let’s call it the ‘Island of Mata Nui’s Face’ and be done with it. Last one to the Gukko is a rotten egg!”


The other Turaga all stared at one another. “Okay, first, eggs don’t exist in BIONICLE, and second, if we’re still living in Metru Nui and this island isn’t barren yet, shouldn’t we not know it’s Mata Nui’s face?” asked Onewa.


“It’s a Lewa0111 comedy. Probably best not to think too hard about it,” Whenua pointed out.


“Walk the plank, ye blubberbees, yaharr avast!” agreed Nuju wholeheartedly. Together, everyone followed the hyperactive Matau into the jungle.


Well, almost everyone.


“It’s all my fault we sailed too fast! It’s all my fault I’m sick! It’s all my fault eggs don’t exist in BIONICLE! It’s all my fault that it’s all my fault! It’s all my fault--”


“HA! Gotcha,” declared Matau, slamming a randomly appeared net down on top of a Gukko.


“Would you get off of me??” demanded the Gukko.


:OMG: OH MY MATA NUI A TALKING GUKKO!” exclaimed Matau, jumping backward and falling flat on his rear end.


“Talking Gukko? Where!?” demanded the talking Gukko. Then it spotted a Gukko sitting next to it. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!”


“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!” screamed the Gukko.


The talking Gukko fell backward from fright, causing its Gukko-shaped mask to fall off and revealing…”Turaga Dume?” asked Matau. “What are you doing here? Why were you wearing a Gukko mask?”


“Oh, this is my Kanohi Guhkko, the Mask of Gukko Birds,” he said, indicating the Gukko-shaped Kanohi he had been wearing over his regular mask. “It’s supposed to summon Gukko birds, but it doesn’t work too well.” The regular Gukko from a few paragraphs ago just sat on Dume’s head and laughed uproariously.


“Where do you get all these awesome-cool masks, anyway?”


“From Masks ‘R’ Us, of course! You should go there sometime. They have a nice deal right now on the Kanohi Ahspirin, the Mask of Pain Relief, which comes in handy whenever my back gives out. Like right now...ouch…”


Matau shook his head. “Uh, no thanks, we need to find a Gukko! Hold still…”


As he swung the net, the Gukko on Dume’s head squawked and took off. “I just told you I’m not a Gukko, you moron!” said Dume, annoyed. “Stop trying to catch me!”


“Not you, there!” Matau excitedly pointed to the Gukko that had taken off. “FOLLOW THAT GUKKO!”


Matau, though old, still knew how to navigate Le-Wahi, and he swung nimbly from branch to branch in pursuit of the flying Rahi. That is, of course, until he ran smack into Onewa. “Ouch. Matau, watch where you’re going. I nearly had that Gukko until you got in my way…”


“With what?” Matau asked, indicating Onewa’s staff, which had a few pieces of string duct-taped to it haphazardly, only barely resembling a net if you turned your head sideways and squinted while holding a net in front of your face. “You honestly expect to catch a Gukko with that?”


“Well, at least I have a net.”


“What are you talking abou….” Matau’s voice trailed off as he looked down and realized he was no longer holding his net, just his distinctly string-less Kau Kau staff. “Still. Yours doesn’t even count as a net,” he quickly added, covering up his embarrassment.


“Oh yeah? Want to fight me for it?”


“You’re on! Arrrrgh!”




The two Turaga charged at each other, though they had seemingly forgotten how old they were and that they couldn’t fight like they once had. Instead, their “fight” consisted merely of the two of them standing in front of each other, taking turns bopping one another over the head with their staffs while shouting insults.


Actually, they were barely even insults. “You’re old!”


“No, you are!”


“No, you!”


“No, you!”


“No, you!”


“No, you!”


...You get the idea. Fortunately for the un-spamminess of this comedy, Nokama quickly emerged from the underbrush, net tucked under her arm, and bopped both of them over the head with her trident. “You’re both old, we’re all the same age, you dolts! Anyway, that has got to be the most pathetic fight I’ve ever seen. Matau, you should know better by your age.”


“Wait, if we’re both the same age, why am I the only one who should know better?” Matau complained.


“Because Onewa hasn’t had the benefit of me attempting to teach him for however many years it’s been, that’s why. Now let’s get a move on, we’ve got a Gukko to catch here!” As a time-comedy warp portal started to appear, she added, “And no, that wasn’t copied from Star Wars, so if Obi-Wan’s about to lecture me about copyrights, please go away.” With a :(, the portal closed.


“I didn’t know portals could use emoticons,” commented Onewa.


Before he’d even finished saying this, another portal opened, from which emerged a large, one-eyed, yellow Rahi. Nokama’s eyes widened. “Drat, knew I’d forgotten something...Yikes!” She quickly ran away as Keetongu chased after her, the Rahi as usual upset because he had copyrights copyrighted. Matau and Onewa looked at each other, shrugging, before giving chase.


“Oh, where’s Dume and his Mask of Random Portals when I need him,” complained Nokama as she ran away. Then, out of nowhere, the ground gave way and she, Keetongu, Matau, and Onewa slid down into a network of steadily descending tunnels. “I have to say, that was unexpected.”


They all landed in a heap at the bottom of the tunnels, on the floor of a large cavern. Whenua was sitting in the middle, holding his drill proudly. “Well? Aren’t you going to thank me?” he asked.


“Thank you? You didn’t exactly get rid of Keetongu, he’s still here,” Onewa pointed out.


“Oh. Sorry. Hold on.” Whenua touched the drill with his ground.


Nothing happened. “Uhh, I think you got that backwards,” Matau observed.


Sheepishly, Whenua touched the ground with his drill. “Baaaahhh,” he added sheepishly, growing wool and dropping to all fours. A tunnel also opened up below Keetongu, and the yellow Rahi went sliding away.


“Where did you send him?” asked Nokama.


“Someplace he won’t be bothering us. Anyway, how’s the Gukko-hunt coming?”


“Well, judging by our distinct lack of Gukko...not good,” Matau said. “Though I don’t see you helping!”


Whenua just smiled, having finally gotten over his sheepishness from before. “What do you think I’m doing? I’m lying in wait. See?” He indicated the center of the cavern, across which a gigantic net had been stretched.


Nokama facepalmed. “Whenua, have you gone completely senile?”


“No, only I’m awesome enough to be senile! You’re cool, but not quite at my level,” Matau interjected.


“Please, do us all a favor and shut up,” said the Turaga of Stone.


“Whenua,” Nokama continued, “how on earth do you expect to catch a bird Rahi underground?”


“I think you mean ‘how inside earth,’ seeing as we’re underground,” said Whenua, “and you need to have some faith. Underground is the best place to go, and the Gukko know it too!”


If there was such a thing as an “Extra-Strength Facepalm,” Nokama was doing it now. “But they’re flying, bird Rahi. Something tells me they don’t have the same attitude toward being underground that you do...you’re wasting our time down here.”


“Can we at least borrow your net?” asked Onewa.


“No, and no!” protested Whenua. “Trust me! I know what I’m doing!”


Nokama sighed, seeing as this conversation was going nowhere. “Have fun sitting down here empty-handed,” she told the Turaga of Earth, “we’re going aboveground, where the Gukko will all be--” Her jaw dropped as a flock of Gukko suddenly came whipping around the corner and through the caverns, straight toward Whenua’s net. “Okay, that has to be the single most unlikely thing in the history of...okay, no, second most unlikely. Matau being humble is still more unlikely.”


“I am humble! Not my fault I’m the greatest Turaga-Geezer of all time! What does ‘humble’ mean again?”


Whenua just smiled in triumph as the Gukko flock soared toward his net. “Unbelievers, you all laughed before, but look at me now! Told you I’d catch...a...Gukko...oh no.” The flock had hit his net all right, and hit straight through it as well. Evidently his net hadn’t been designed for a flock that big. “We’re going to need a bigger net.”


“AFTER THOSE GUKKO!” shouted all four Turaga in unison, charging as fast as their legs would allow down the tunnel where the Gukko had disappeared.


They ran for what felt like hours, though was actually only two minutes, as they quickly ran out of breath. “I hate being old,” groaned Whenua.


“Back in our Toa days, I could’ve caught those Gukko in seconds!” bragged Onewa.


“No way, I would have easily beaten you,” said Matau.


“Can we please not start another wimp fight again?” Nokama said, interrupting them. “Maybe they’ll be stupid and run into a dead-end cavern, and we can still catch one. We don’t need the whole flock, after all.”


Matau and Onewa looked at each other, then at Nokama, then back at each other. “Nah.”


“Bet I catch more than you!” Matau crowed.


“You’re on!” said Onewa, dodging the swarm of crows that had emerged from Matau’s mouth. “Wait, do those crows count as Gukko?”


:glare: ” emoticonned Nokama.


“...I’ll take that as a no…”


The four Turaga hobbled, much slower this time, after the Gukko flock. A few times, Whenua tried to use his drill to trap the Gukko, but kept accidentally missing the ground.


Eventually, they emerged from the earth into an area of stone, which Onewa really liked.


Then they emerged from the area of stone to an area with a lot of groundwater, which Nokama really liked.


Then they emerged from the area with a lot of groundwater to an area with breeze blowing through it, which Matau really liked.


Then they emerged from the area with breeze blowing through it to an area made entirely of pie, which Tava probably would have liked, except that he isn’t in this comedy.


Then they emerged from the area made entirely of pie to an area with sunlight, which Takanuva probably would have liked, but the Turaga didn’t, as it meant the Gukko had escaped from the tunnels.


The four Turaga sat, blinking for their eyes to adjust, at the mouth of the tunnel, looking around at the distinctly Gukko-free landscape. “Well, that stunk,” said Onewa.


“Will you stop quoting yourself? I already complained about that earlier today,” Whenua groaned.


“You can quote yourself if you want, I don’t mind.”


“How’s that supposed to help?”


“Please, everyone, let’s just head back to the boat,” Nokama suggested. “At the very least, we can tell Dume there’s a flock flying around in unlikely places. Maybe he’s found it!” Having no better ideas, the other Turaga all shrugged and followed her back to the beach.


There, they were greeted by an incredibly unlikely sight. Vakama was sitting on the boat’s prow, blaming himself to Keetongu, who was plugging his ears and trying to open up a portal, but apparently failing. “It’s all my fault I’m annoying you! It’s all my fault you can’t hear me anymore! It’s all my fault you have one eye! It’s all my fault…”


But that wasn’t what they were shocked about. On a nearby rock, surrounded by the entire flock of Gukko in perfect formations, sat Nuju, chattering in his usual flying Rahi language. “Cheep whistle brzzt cheep cheep.” The Turaga of Ice noticed the others and waved to them. “Click clack clackity click beep!”


“‘Wasn’t that fun!?’” demanded an incredulous Nokama, translating Nuju’s words. “Do you mean to tell me you could have done this at any time?”


Nuju shrugged. “Bazt wheep whip whop.”


“What do you mean, ‘it was funny?’ It most certainly wasn’t, you icy little--”


“By the way, I can also speak Matoran just fine,” Nuju said.






For once, it was Nokama who was angry. “You little--I can’t believe--what the--WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?”


(Thanks to the overuse of time-comedy warp portals earlier in the comedy, Pohatu did not appear despite the use of question marks and exclamation points together.)


Nuju just chuckled to himself. “As a Turaga, I’m not allowed to be a nerd anymore. How else am I supposed to have fun?”


“I’m just mad because pulling pranks is my thing…” muttered Matau.


“Either way, I found it quite hilarious, and we do have our Gukko. Shall we get going?”


“YOU STUCK-UP TROLLING LITTLE ####### #####ING ########### I’M GOING TO ####### THE ######## RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ##### AND ## BECAUSE ###### UPSIDE-DOWN ################ ### PENGUINS ##### ### ######### ####### GUKKO BUCKETS #################################################### BANANA ### # ## # ######## #### # ITALIAN ###### ## ## ##### GIANT INFLATABLE MONKEY ####### ## ##### #### ### WITH #### ### AND ####### ON TOP!” screamed Nokama, as Matau, Onewa, and Whenua all held her back.


“Uhh...I think that means ‘sure,’” said Whenua. Then Onewa bopped Nokama over the head with his staff, knocking her mask off and causing her to faint. “That works.”


As they all boarded the boat, Nuju’s Gukko flock obediently landing on the railings, Matau grabbed Vakama and threw him belowdecks. A relieved Keetongu immediately turned and ran as fast as he could back into the jungle. “Believe me, Nuju, we’ll hear what Dume has to say about this,” declared a very annoyed Whenua. Then he looked around suddenly. “Wait, come to think of it, where is Dume, anyway?”


Matau glanced up, eyes wide at the sudden realization. “Dume? Uhh...yes...about that…”


Somewhere in the jungles of Le-Wahi, a certain Turaga wandered around aimlessly, a net covering his face and blocking his vision. “Hello? Anyone? Hellooooooo...get this thing off of me!


“Okay!” exclaimed a nearby Keetongu with a :D as he raised a randomly appeared club.


“Wait, no, not you, that’s not what I--”




Bob the Word Counting Gukko: This comedy has 3,649 words.


~Happy Thanksgiving from Lewa# Studios!


:mirunu: Lewa0111 Nuva :mirunu:

  • Upvote 3

My Script Comedies: | The Nuva Inn Remake | Ask Matau! Remake (ACCEPTING QUESTIONS!) |

My Prose Comedies: | The BZ-Nui Hack Wars | Mata Nova |


ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)

ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

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Whoa whoa whoa watch your language, mate!



This is very nice. The amount of overused jokes and stereotypes never gets old.


Keep impressing us, Lewa.

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“  :OMG: OH MY MATA NUI A TALKING GUKKO!” exclaimed Matau, jumping backward and falling flat on his rear end.


“Talking Gukko? Where!?” demanded the talking Gukko. Then it spotted a Gukko sitting next to it. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!”


“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!” screamed the Gukko.

Ah, the good old "Emperor's New Groove" sequence appears.




“You’re both old, we’re all the same age, you dolts! 

Didn't you establish that dolt isn't a word?




As a time-comedy warp portal started to appear, she added, “And no, that wasn’t copied from Star Wars, so if Obi-Wan’s about to lecture me about copyrights, please go away.” With a  :(, the portal closed.

Didn't know portals could emote.  Nokama's showing her usual smarts again.  Except...




Before he’d even finished saying this, another portal opened, from which emerged a large, one-eyed, yellow Rahi. Nokama’s eyes widened. “Drat, knew I’d forgotten something...Yikes!” She quickly ran away as Keetongu chased after her, the Rahi as usual upset because he had copyrights copyrighted. 

...she forgot about that other copyrighter...




Then they emerged from the area with breeze blowing through it to an area made entirely of pie, which Tava probably would have liked, except that he isn’t in this comedy.

Why not?  Everyone else seems to be.




(Thanks to the overuse of time-comedy warp portals earlier in the comedy, Pohatu did not appear despite the use of question marks and exclamation points together.)

Good, I was starting to get worried there for a second.


Another fine job by the best comedian on BZP! Can't wait to see what you pull out for Christmas!


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I always enjoy reading these. :)


Everything from Matau and Onewa's arguments to Whenua's plan to catch the Gukkos unexpectedly working to Nokama losing it on Nuju to the visual of Keetongu running at full speed into the forest to escape from Vakama, it all was hilarious. :P


I can't wait to read the next story.

Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.



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Another great job, Lewa0111! :) Some of my favorite parts were your usual clever use of emoticons and all the jokes about Dume's masks, like the one of translation. They certainly had a lot of translating to do this time. :P You had me laughing out loud quite a few times! The Turaga really are a funny group of characters to write about, aren't they? :P


Great work again; thanks for coming back to write it! :)

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