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Happy Birthday, Mata Nui! (New Year's 2015 Special)

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Happy New Year, everyone! Here’s to an awesome 2016, complete with new BIONICLE, of course! Hope you all enjoy my New Year’s gift of comedy to you all.


New Year’s 2014


Happy Birthday, Mata Nui!

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Part 4 of the Lewa# Studios Holiday Series 2015-2016


A band of Matoran trudged up the frigid slopes of Eary-Nui, an island just west of Metru Nui. They knew they had a vital task to perform, given to them by the Toa Nuva themselves: the last item in the Book of Awakening Mata Nui. (Technically, the title was Awakening Mata Nui for Dummies, but Book of Awakening Mata Nui sounded much more epic, so the Toa preferred to go with that). “How much farther?” asked Random Matoran #35. “I can’t even feel my toes.”


“We don’t even have toes,” said Aaa, walking next to him.


“Oh. That explains why I can’t feel them…”


“QUIET!” shouted the Matoran in front, a De-Matoran named Yodel who had been leading the band. “We’re here.”


:blink: ” the rest of the assembled Matoran emoticonned.


“That was convenient timing,” said Aaa.


Yodel turned and faced the crowd. “As you know, we have been given a vital mission. The preparations are complete, the Toa have done their job, and now it is time to awaken Mata Nui this day!”


“Plagiarizing thief…” muttered Hahli, standing somewhere behind Aaa and Random Matoran #35. “That’s my line!”


“Now,” continued Yodel, “let us begin!” At Yodel’s signal, a conductor’s podium randomly appeared and he stepped behind it, holding his conducting baton aloft. The other Matoran all readied their instruments. “1, 2, 3, go!”


As one, the Matoran Band started playing “Happy Birthday”...or at least, they tried to. The resulting cacophony actually ended up sounding much more like an ear-splitting alarm noise than anything remotely melodic. The sound was so bad, that at first all of the Matoran assumed the loud rumbling and sounds of grinding metal was just part of the song. Then Aaa turned around and noticed all the percussionists had stopped playing. “Uh...guys?” he asked, putting down his instrument. “That’s not us.”


“Hey! Percussion! Get back on your instruments!” ordered Yodel, oblivious to the racket.


“But Tiribomba got stuck in a tuba!” protested one of the Matoran. “We’re trying to get him unstuck!”


“Uhh...guys?” asked Aaa once more, louder this time.


At last, this got their attention, and everyone stopped playing. “What’s going on?” asked Hahli.


“ARRRRRRRGH, MY EARS!” bellowed a huge voice that seemed to reverberate all around them. “WHERE’S THE SNOOZE BUTTON?”


All the assembled Matoran fainted dead away.


Mata Nui yawned, shaking his head violently to get the earsplitting racket out of his head.


Inside Metru Nui, everyone went flying this way and that. The entire Nuva Inn collapsed from the earthquake, though luckily Takanuva was on hand to repair it immediately. The Colosseum creaked and swayed, and Dume went tottering away from it (very slowly) screaming “IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD!!1” Chutes buckled and broke, spilling crates, vehicles, and Le-Matoran out onto the ground below. A two-headed Tarakava escaped from its broken Archive tube and went on a rampage throughout the Archives before Onua put a stop to that. Several Ga-Metru schools suddenly became submerged in the sea (luckily all attending could swim, so it didn’t really bother them that much). Statues in Po-Metru crumbled and fell, crushing some oddly-named Matoran (who thankfully survived with only minor injuries, though the impact got many of them stuck face-first into the desert sand and unable to get out for quite some time). Forges went into overdrive and lit half of Ta-Metru on fire.


And Ko-Matoran remained oblivious to the entire thing, everyone just continued being nerdy and saying ellipses.


“Kopeke,” said Jaa, entering the former’s Knowledge Tower room, “there is a panic--”


“--AT THE DISCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!” shouted a randomly appearing Turaga Matau, swinging in on a vine. At the extremely awkward silence that followed, he remarked, “Wow. Tough group-crowd.”


“You are interrupting, Turaga,” said an exasperated Jaa. “How many times must we ask to be left alone?”


Matau just slowly backed out of the room. “I’ll be leave-going now, I guess…” he muttered. Unfortunately, he failed to remember that he’d entered through a twelfth-story window, not a door, and stepped obliviously backward off the ledge. “Oops. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!”


“NRRRRR BEEP KAWEEP ZRTZKZ!” yelled Turaga Nuju from somewhere higher up the Knowledge Tower. The two Matoran watched Matau get levitated slowly to the ground.


“...” ellipsed Kopeke.


“...” ellipsed Jaa.


The door swung open with a crash, and Pakastaa walked in. “...” ellipsed Pakastaa.


“...” replied Kopeke.


“As I was saying,” said Jaa, “there is a panic in the streets. We must observe and learn what has caused such panic.”


“...” said Kopeke.


“...” said Pakastaa.


“To the telescope--”


“--ROBIN!” yelled Matau, swinging in once again. All three Ko-Matoran just facepalmed.


One low-budget attempt by Matau to recreate the Batman transition later, the three of them (sans Matau, who was being doused in water by Nokama) had emerged onto the roof of the Knowledge Tower, which was covered with several telescopes. Each of them picked one and began observing the stars. “...” said Kopeke, after they had been stargazing.for a while.


“...” answered Jaa, swiveling his telescope to point where Kopeke’s was looking.


“...” put in Pakastaa, moving his telescope as well.


“...” argued Kopeke.


“...” Pakastaa pointed out.


“...” ellipsed Jaa angrily, pointing to the stars.


“...” ellipsed Kopeke, trying to pacify the others.


“...” yelled Jaa.


“...” said a now somewhat-panicky Kopeke.


“...” Jaa yelled again, gesturing wildly.


“...” shrugged Pakastaa.


“...” admitted Kopeke finally, defeated.


All three of them turned their telescopes to the ground instead, gazing at the Colosseum. Pakastaa saw it first. “...!” he said.






“Buzz zaaa leee click whirr weird noise,” scolded Nuju, walking up onto the roof.


Lumi, Nuju’s new translator, followed behind him. “Will you keep your voices down? Some of us are trying to study,” he translated.


“Sorry,” whispered Jaa.


“Squeak squawk squnk,” said the Turaga.


“What was all the screaming about, anyway?” Lumi translated.


Jaa shrugged. “You mean just now, or before?”






“First it was Matau’s antics, and just now...well, you should probably see for yourself, Turaga.”


Jaa and the others showed Nuju the telescope, pointing him first toward the stars, then at the Colosseum. “GONK GONK GONK GONK GONK GONK GONK GONK GONK GONK GONK BEEEEEEEEEEEP!” The Turaga immediately ran back down the stairs into the tower, faster than any of the assembled Matoran had ever seen him move.


The others stood in silence for a moment. “That needs no translation,” commented Lumi, racing down the stairs after the Turaga.


Mata Nui stretched and sat up, shaking water out of his ears as he did so. How long was I asleep? he wondered. I dreamed that my spleen decided to rebel and tried to take over my brain. That’s got to be the weirdest dream I’ve ever had.


“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” screamed the Matoran band, as the entire ground shifted sideways and dumped them, along with a large amount of water, through a hole in the island. The Matoran and their instruments plummeted into the ocean, followed quickly by all the water leaving the island with them.


They spluttered and gasped as they kicked to the surface. “Okay, what?” demanded Aaa.


“Not you, we were just screaming,” Random Matoran #35 said.


“Oh. I hate it when that happens…” They all treaded water and looked around. “Where are we, anyway?”


“We’re in the water.”


Aaa looked over at him and sighed. “Yeah, thanks for that. Could you be more specific?”


Suddenly, a torrent of water buffeted the assembled Matoran, knocking them this way and that as a large, black-armored figure broke the surface. “You’re roughly 2,143.75 kio away from the location of the Pit, or what’s left of it, anyway. Is that specific enough for you?”


“Who are you?” asked Random Matoran #35.


“I’m Hydraxon, Pit jailer. Or...at least I was, before the entire universe decided to lift up and move away just now.”


“So can you help us get back? We were in Eary-Nui and...suddenly fell out,” explained Aaa.


In response, Hydraxon pointed up. They followed his finger to where a towering stone structure now rose out of the water, climbing higher and higher until it was lost to sight amidst the clouds. “Eary-Nui will be up there.”


“Where? Like 2, maybe 3 stories up, I hope?” asked Random Matoran #35.


“No. Way up. Pretty close to the top, I might add. So you’d better all swim over there and start climbing.”


:OMG: “ the assembled band of Matoran emoticonned in unison.


“Matoran of Metru Nui! I have a great announcement to make!” declared Turaga Nokama, who had decided to fill in as temporary leader of Metru Nui while Dume was busy running around panicking.


“Hey, what about us?” demanded Tahu, standing in the Colosseum Box next to Nokama, the other Turaga, and the other Toa.


“Sorry. I mean...Matoran and Toa of Metru Nui! I have a great announcement to make!” Nokama corrected herself.


“Hey! What, we don’t count either?” asked Turaga Onewa.


Nokama huffed. “Fine! Matoran, Toa, and Turaga of Metru Nui! I have a great announcement to make!”


“Don’t forget us!” yelled a Kikanalo that had wandered into the Colosseum for some random reason.


“You can’t even talk,” said Nokama.


“Oh yeah. :ziplip:


Nokama waited expectantly for several moments. When no one else seemed ready to interrupt her, she cleared her throat. “Ahem. Matoran, Toa, and Turaga and anyone else I forgot to mention of Metru Nui! I have a great announcement to make!”


“GET ON WITH IT!” shouted some random Matoran.


“YES, GET ON WITH IT!” said another one.


“GET ON WITH IT!” shouted those guys from Monty Python.


“I’m trying to, if you’d all stop interrupting me! Anyway, I have an announcement. Tomorrow is the start of a new year, as you all know, but it’s also something else that you all don’t know. Tomorrow is the Great Spirit Mata Nui’s birthday!” After the hubbub had died down, she continued, “That earthquake we all felt not too long ago is believed to be the awakening of the Great Spirit. What better way to honor him than to throw him a birthday party, and a New Year’s party at the same time!”


“This sounds like a really bad Turaga Dume idea…” muttered Onua.


Nokama shrugged. “Well I’m filling in for him, so I decided to do what he would probably do. For the record, I agree with you, Toa Onua.”


“But that doesn’t make any--”


“So,” Nokama said, turning back to the microphone, “let us all do our best to celebrate Mata Nui’s birthday! I want this to be the best New Year’s bash ever! Oh, and if someone could find the real Turaga Dume, please dump water on his head for me. Thanks!”


As the crowd began to disperse, Nokama looked over at Matau. “So?” she asked. “How’d I do?”


“Hmm...the speech was good, your Dume impersonation was spot-on, but there was zero mention of me in that speech. If it were me, I would have mentioned how awesome I was about 529 more times.”


“So you liked it,” translated Nokama.


“...Yes I liked-enjoyed it.”


On the other side of the Colosseum Box, Tahu shook his head. “This can’t possibly end well.”


“I’ll make a Birthday Pie!” exclaimed Tava, the Toa of Pie, excitedly. “It’s like a birthday cake, but a pie, which makes it automatically better! Better yet, I’ll make one big enough for the whole city!” Tava ecstatically bounced away, presumably to find an oven big enough for such a pie.


“For once, the entire city’s in on it, though. And better yet, Dume’s incapacitated with his panicky ranting!” pointed out Gali. “Besides, it’s a birthday party for the Great Spirit, which I think we’d all agree is a very important holiday. Unlike Dume’s usual inventions. What could possibly go--”


Onua clamped a hand over Gali’s mouth. “No. Don’t you dare say that. Anytime anyone says that, inevitably things become a complete disaster just to mess with us. Nobody say ‘what could possibly go wrong.’”


“Uhh, Onua? You just did say it,” observed Takanuva.




“Okay, who dumped me in a giant swimming pool,” Mata Nui asked aloud. “Don’t tell me it was Pranky-Nui, that guy is always doing stupid stuff like that. Where was I yesterday, anyway? How long was I asleep?” He lifted his arm to check his watch (sending a huge herd of Rahi falling this way and that in the process), and saw that it was broken. “Oh, come on. This thing even says ‘water resistant!’ When I get home, I am getting my money back…”


On Metru Nui, preparations were in full swing. The usual New Year’s stuff was ready, of course, especially the giant (and now rather singed) disco ball to be rolled to the top of the Colosseum. This time, though, the Matoran had managed to recruit several Visorak to eat lots of birthday cake, then spin webs everywhere that now came out in “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATA NUI” streamers. It wasn’t long before the entire island was covered in the streamers. Tava had borrowed the Great Furnace in order to make a pie large enough to feed everyone. Gali was keeping Tahu restrained deep in the Archives, to avoid a repeat of the previous New Year’s debacle. Even Toa Santa and his (now-returned) Bohrok had decided to help out, repurposing leftover Naming Day decorations into birthday ones.


“Hey, does anyone know where that Matoran marching band we sent off to Eary-Nui the other day went?” asked Lewa. “I liked that band.”


“You would,” said Kopaka coldly.


Onua scowled. “Knock it off with the lame pun already.”


“What lame pun?” asked a confused Lewa.


“Not you, Lewa0111.”


(Will you stop talking to me? One of these days I’ll write a comedy without you breaking the fourth wall…)


“Make an actually good comedy and I’ll stop criticizing it.”


(You little…!)


:blink: “ emoticonned Lewa and Kopaka.


“As for the band,” continued Onua, ignoring the weird looks he was getting from talking to me, “I just assumed they got stuck rehearsing somewhere. You know how Yodel can get.”


:( “ said Lewa. “I wanted them to play “Happy Birthday” for Mata Nui tonight! It’s not a party without music.”


Onua and Kopaka pondered this for a moment. “Toa of Sonics,” Kopaka said cold...err, warmly.


“That’s better,” said Onua with a smug smile.


“What’s better?” asked Kopaka.


“Not you. Lewa0111.”




“Am I the only one who’s completely lost?” asked Lewa, frustrated. “What about Toa of Sonics?”


Onua sighed. “It’s obvious,” he said. “They can make the song in lieu of the marching band!”


“Oh! Right! Duh! I totally knew that,” said Lewa. “So all we have to do is find a Toa of Sonics and convince them to help us! I can get on that.”


With a burst of his Miru Nuva and some elemental power, Lewa took off into the air. Wide-eyed, Onua and Kopaka stared after him for several long moments. “Did...did that just happen?” asked Kopaka.


“Lewa...just...offered to do work!” gasped Onua, dumbfounded. “What is the world coming to?”


“I don’t know. But I’m suddenly scared.”


“Let’s just see what else we can do to help,” suggested Onua, “and put this weirdness out of our minds.”




“Wait…” muttered Mata Nui, remembering the previous night, “wasn’t today when I had that date with Preti-Nui? Oh no, I probably look like a complete mess...where’s a mirror?” He then looked down at his feet, which were submerged entirely in water. “The water works.” He spent several moments looking at his reflection in the water when he noticed a large blotch on his nose. “YAAAAAAAAAAAAH! What the--!?” Tentatively, he felt his nose, where he realized there was a large blotch of trees still growing near the tip. “Stupid Bohrok! I didn’t tell you to miss a spot! This is embarrassing…”


At long last, it was time to celebrate. The time approached midnight, and the preparations were set. The entire population of Metru Nui had assembled to celebrate the Great Spirit’s birthday and the new year. Best of all, Dume was nowhere to be found. Since no one wanted to risk another fire like last year, the Toa had to come up with an alternative method of doing the countdown. “Takanuva,” said Kopaka c...normally, “would you do the honors?”






“Takanuva, please,” pleaded Gali.


“Make Tahu do it. I’m tired.”


“Okay, who switched yours and Lewa’s brains?” asked Onua.


That did it. Takanuva stood up angrily. “That insult was completely uncalled for!” he yelled. “Fine, I’ll do it, just to prove I’m not lazy. Where’s that disco ball?”


Everyone looked around for said disco ball, since it wasn’t at the top of the Colosseum as usual. “There it is!” exclaimed Pohatu with a :D, pointing to Le-Metru. They all followed his gaze to see the disco ball had rolled to a stop in front of the Moto-Hub, with six very flat-looking Turaga stuck to the sides. “Ooh, somebody got a strike!”


“They’re not bowling, you moron!” said Gali. “I guess helping them push that thing up is the only thing Dume’s good for…”


“I’ll fix it!” shouted Pohatu, activating his Mask of Speed and zooming toward Le-Metru before anyone could protest.


The remaining Toa all sighed. “Takanuva. Continue,” said Kopaka.






The Toa of Light readied his staff, looking to Onua for the countdown to begin (since Nokama, along with the rest of the Turaga, was still incapacitated by the disco ball). At one minute to midnight, he gave a thumbs-up, and Takanuva sent a blast of light in the shape of a number “60” toward the side of the Colosseum, lighting up the building. “60!” chanted the crowd of Matoran below.








“Pie!” shouted Tava, in the voice of a concession stand guy, “Get your pies here! Every flavor imaginable, and even some that aren’t imaginable! All you can eat! Just be sure to save some room for the Birthday Pie!” The Toa of Pie wandered through the crowd of Matoran, passing out pies on request. “3.14 widgets per slice!”








Somewhere on the southern end of Metru Nui, a hatch swung open and the band of Matoran from the beginning of the chapter spilled out. “Finally…” gasped Yodel, exhausted. “Thank Mata Nui we’re not late.”


“They’re all at the Colosseum,” observed Hahli.


“I say we just give up and rest,” Aaa suggested.


“I agree,” agreed Random Matoran #35.


“What? We can’t quit! The whole city’s counting on us to perform tonight! Get off your lazy butts and let’s go!” shouted Yodel. “Up, up, up!”


“Uhh, Yodel?” asked Random Matoran #35 tentatively. “We don’t even have instruments. They all got lost in the water.”


Yodel facepalmed. “You’re kidding me….You know what? We’re still performing. Hope you’re all good at singing!”


Aaa and Random Matoran #35 looked at each other. “You’ve got to be kidding…”








The chorus of Matoran arrived outside the Colosseum, where Yodel pounded on the door. “Let us in!” he shouted. “We’re here to perform!”


The doors swung open and they joined the sea of Matoran already there. Nearby, Toa Lewa was marching in with a blue-armored Toa behind him. “Wait, what are you doing herE?” he asked. Then he noticed the last letter in his earlier sentence. “Okay, very funny…”


“Ha, ha!” laughed the Rahkshi of Letter Control, scampering away.


“We’re here to perform, Toa Lewa. We’re supposed to play ‘Happy Birthday,’ but our instruments got lost, so we’re singing it instead!”


“Singing? Nah, that’s dumb. I went to a lot of trouble to cover for you.”








Up in the Colosseum Box, Gali watched the argument between Yodel and Lewa. “This is ridiculous,” she muttered, switching to her Miru and levitating down to the both of them. “Lewa, they said Toa of Sonics! Not Toa of Sonic! Two completely different things!”


“Sounds the same to me…” muttered Lewa.


“So...you don’t need me?” said Toa Heghogg, the Toa of Sonic. “But I was excited to help celebrate the Great Spirit’s birthday!”


“And where are your instruments?” Gali asked Yodel.


“Long story,” said Yodel.








Outside the Moto-Hub, Pohatu approached the Turaga-covered disco ball. “Hi, Turaga! We can’t miss the countdown, the Toa need my help!” he explained.


Nokama woozily lifted her head to look at the Toa. “Wait, Pohatu, that’s probably a bad idea,” she protested when she figured out what the Toa of Stone had in mind.


“Oh, lighten up, Nokama, this will be fun!” said Matau excitedly. “Reminds me of our young-Toa days!”


Not the part of those days I wanted to remember…”








On cue, Pohatu stepped back, then took a running start. When the countdown reached zero, Pohatu swung his foot forward.


At the same time, Yodel lifted his baton and cued the chorus, who began to sing...very, very off-key. Toa Heghogg sent elemental blasts of Sonic this way and that, summoning blue hedgehogs who started spinning around everywhere and knocking things over. At the same time, Tava hit a remote control he had been carrying around, and the Great Furnace opened, launching a massive pie nearly half the size of the whole city into the air, where it rained down on everyone. Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, the massive disco ball, with screaming (and in Matau’s case, laughing) Turaga clinging to it for dear life, went rolling straight toward the Colosseum. The Toa Nuva all leapt from the Colosseum Box as the disco ball continued on its course, rolling straight up the structure like a ramp and launching into the air, where it lodged itself firmly into a large depression in the ceiling.


“Well,” observed Gali wryly, “that could have gone worse.”


Then the Colosseum creaked, and cracked, and finally toppled to the ground with a crash.


Mata Nui suddenly found his head filled with an earsplitting racket and piercing headache. “Owwwww…” the Great Spirit complained. “Now what’s going on?”


As if things weren’t bad enough, he felt an itching in his nose. He quickly looked around for a tissue, but as he was in the middle of an endless ocean, there were no tissues to be found. “Ah...ah...ah…CHOO!”


To his complete confusion, he saw what looked an awful lot like a shiny disco ball flying out of his nose, accompanied by tiny voices screaming at the top of their lungs. His headache got worse and worse, and the cacophony (which sounded much like a chorus singing very poorly and out-of-tune) wouldn’t stop. “WILL YOU STOP THAT!?” he shouted at his own head, running around in the ankle-deep water out of frustration.


In his haste to calm the racket, Mata Nui didn’t watch where he was running and slipped on a giant patch of seaweed under the water. “Oh no, not again…”


The Great Spirit fell backward into the water and promptly drifted back into unconsciousness.


The next morning, the Toa and Turaga Dume all surveyed the damage to the city from the roof of the Nuva Inn (as suggested by Lewa, naturally, who was charging Dume for the room). Dume, who had missed the previous night’s...erm…”festivities”, looked around at the landscape. “Not too bad this year,” he said.


Gali bonked him over the head with the flat of her aqua ax. “The Colosseum’s destroyed, we’re still rounding up all those darn blue hedgehogs, the Turaga are nowhere to be found, the entire city is covered in pie, and you think it’s ‘not too bad?’”


Dume shrugged. “Nothing’s on fire, which is a first.”


“A fair point,” Gali conceded.


:( “ said Tahu.


“You know,” Dume continued, “I think we’ve really made Mata Nui happy. This was probably his best birthday ever!”




County-Nui the Word Counting Great Spirit: This comedy has 3,955 words.


~Happy 2016 from Lewa# Studios!


Halloween Special 2015


Thanksgiving Special 2015


Christmas Special 2015


:mirunu: Lewa0111 Nuva :mirunu:

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My Script Comedies: | The Nuva Inn Remake | Ask Matau! Remake (ACCEPTING QUESTIONS!) |

My Prose Comedies: | The BZ-Nui Hack Wars | Mata Nova |


ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)

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“You know,” Dume continued, “I think we’ve really made Mata Nui happy. This was probably his best birthday ever!”

If that's true...I hate to think what the OTHER ones were like...


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Well, that one way Mata Nui could've woken up. :P


It also makes me wonder what Makuta would've done if he had been controling the MU instead of Mata Nui. I bet his reaction to a disco ball coming out of his nose would've been hilarious. :P

Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.



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