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EXTRENIX: The Review Topic

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24439875306_b628e355d2_c.jpg

 
The Story
 
 

STARRING: 


Zox Tomana, as himself | Toa Smoke Monster, as himself | Driesen, Captain Tronameg, and White One by Lucina | Letagi, as himself | Portalfig, as himself | Unit, as himself | Xyron by xccj | Pahrak #0579 | and Ghidora.

 

ALSO STARRING:

 

Sanskrit | Vakama | Mazeka | Botar's Replacement

 

 

Other characters may appear in passing, but the above characters are guaranteed an appearance. 

 
Chapters will be posted weekly until I finish writing the story. After that point, they will be posted every 48 hours.
 
Please let me know how the character representations work out for you. And the usual comments, criticism, and everything else welcome.

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When I submitted myself as myself, I did so partly out of curiosity as to how I would get portrayed (that is, I did it for the giggles). I'm quite pleased to be a healer Great Being, and couldn't help but laugh at reading the phrase "the regal form of Zox Tomana." I realize the intent was not comic, but I just can't help it XD

 

On the serious side of things, something I really like with your portrayal of me as a character was this:

 

Zox is a healer. He’s here because Heremus is injured, and...”You think my Kanohi may be of use.”

“I want a safety net, just in case,” Zox looked nervously out the door. While the healer in front of her was not so prone to pride like some of the other Great Beings, it was clear that he wished to inspire confidence in his ability to heal, not that he made a habit of relying on an eccentric young Great Being.

However, having the Great Beings’ leader die on his watch would be far worse.

While I certainly hope this is also true of me in real life: as a healer-in-training I commend Zox the GB on realizing when he needs to ask for help, and for knowing to take a precaution in favor of the patient. A healer/doctor inspiring confidence and trust in the patient (or the pt's family) is a huge deal. Knowing to go to his or her colleagues for help in difficult circumstances rather than go it alone and hope for the best... is even bigger.

 

For a while, I expect that you're going to want to be using full names on a regular basis as part of establishing the characters, but I would point out that (to a lesser extent) "Zox Tomana" and (to a greater extent) "Toa Smoke Monster" can easily break the flow of a sentence, as perhaps "Pahrak#0579" might. You've probably already done this, but you may want to consider some good shortenings of each name. For me there's obviously "Zox" or "Tomana" or even Zoxara (what "Zox" is short for) when coming from someone whose known "me" for a long time. For TSM I'd suggest "Smoke," but he may have something else for that. For Pahrak#0579's Pahrak, you could make him unique from other Pahrak by calling him "579" (Five-Seventy Nine or Five-Seven-Nine).

 

Any other comments I might have require me to read more.

 

Also, I am so sorry for posting in the wrong topic *facepalm* I lost track of what tab I was in.


~~-BS01 Histories-~~
by Zox Tomana, B.A. - Blog

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I am pleased to get feedback so quickly! :) And yes, I need to stop over-using the word "regal" when referring to beings that I think may be important or have a self-important air about them. :P

 

As for the names, Sanskrit may end up referring to Zox Tomana as "Zox" at some point, as would someone like Heremus. The full name is used to further highlight the age and credibility discrepancy between the two, and also by way of introduction to the reader. 

 

The others, I have already figured out - although I maaaay have to go through my draft and check to make sure that I haven't overused full names excessively. 

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As for the names, Sanskrit may end up referring to Zox Tomana as "Zox" at some point, as would someone like Heremus. The full name is used to further highlight the age and credibility discrepancy between the two, and also by way of introduction to the reader.

The only thing I'd point out here is that dual names like "Zox Tomana" or "Smoke Monster" are extremely unusual in-universe. While, here on Earth, if I were introduced to a classroom as "Zoxara (or Zox) Tomana" the kids might call me "Mr. Tomana" (which would be hilarious), the conception of the titles "Mister" or "Miss" or "Mis'ess" isn't a thing I recall existing. If you want to highlight the age or the credibility, you may be better off with Sanskrit using some other title or form of address (Healer, Healer Tomana) besides "Mr." Besides, calling people by their first and last name is weird in almost any circumstance. Zox having the two names can be explained by various means, but I find it to be unusual for anyone to be called by their first and last name unless they're being 1. called for from among a crowd, 2. announced, 3. being called out by an authority figure. The use of titles is a more common method of formally naming someone.

 

In looking for stuff about this on BS01, I came across the interesting trivia bit that GB's may number less than 20 O_o Makes a dual name character like Zox Tomana really weird XD

 

Anyway, point is, I think a good way would be to have the formality appear in using such titles as their job title "Healer Tomana" and "Programmer (??) Sanskrit". "Healer Tomana" > "Zox Tomana" > "Tomana" > "Zox".


~~-BS01 Histories-~~
by Zox Tomana, B.A. - Blog

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I am extremely confused as to how I was in this scene. I know I was, unless someone else was ordering pancakes.

 

Which would be a very interesting red herring.

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Okay, now I see White one in there. My mistake.

 

Well, I'll sure be reading up on this series! I'd do a comedy on it, but the other one's gonna have me preoccupied for half a year. :P

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I enjoyed the first chapter of this. The fight with Vakama, Mazeka, and White One was probably my favorite part of it. Anything with Mazeka is instantly great IMO since he is my favorite Matoran. :)

 

On the conversation about the names of the characters, for mine I would be fine if you wanted to shorten it to just 'Smoke Monster.' But I'll leave it up to you, since this is your story. 


Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.


 


pc0lX6T.png

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It begins!

 

I really liked how you started the chapter!  The brief vision is a good ominous start to any mythical tale, and the conversation between Zox and Sanskrit flows well.  We're told what's going on, but not with an excessive amount of exposition--it feels like a real conversation people would have!

 

The fight scene is interesting and gets us started on another side of this conflict, but it feels a little fast.  If there were a few lines of Vakama sitting before the fire, then it would be shocking when someone breaks down the door, but having that right off the bat is just a bit jarring.  The Matoran in the scene could also use a little more introduction--Mazeka and Smoke Monster are mentioned like they were there all along, and I sort of feel like I missed something.

 

You've got a great hook, and I'm eager to learn more about what's happening!

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Chapter 2 is up. 
 
Next chapter will be back with Sanskrit/Vakama, and will finish the introduction of most of the "Starring" cast. And bring about something more interesting. 
 

Anyway, point is, I think a good way would be to have the formality appear in using such titles as their job title "Healer Tomana" and "Programmer (??) Sanskrit". "Healer Tomana" > "Zox Tomana" > "Tomana" > "Zox".

I've changed "Mr. Tomana" to Healer Tomana, as you have requested.

 

Also, Sanskrit is a scientist, not a programmer. But she's considered younger and less settled than other Great Beings. 

 

I enjoyed the first chapter of this. The fight with Vakama, Mazeka, and White One was probably my favorite part of it. Anything with Mazeka is instantly great IMO since he is my favorite Matoran. :)

You'll really like this epic...or hate it utterly, since he has a pretty big role in here. 

 

The fight scene is interesting and gets us started on another side of this conflict, but it feels a little fast.  If there were a few lines of Vakama sitting before the fire, then it would be shocking when someone breaks down the door, but having that right off the bat is just a bit jarring.  The Matoran in the scene could also use a little more introduction--Mazeka and Smoke Monster are mentioned like they were there all along, and I sort of feel like I missed something.

While I could have started the scene with Mazeka and Smoke Monster talking to Vakama, that struck me as extraneous and fillerish. I hate filler in my stories in general. I probably could have provided a touch more detail on Mazeka's arrival - he came from the hallway right next to Vakama's room, seeing as he's next door.

 

The idea is the Mazeka has to eat somehow, so he's hired himself out as Vakama's bodyguard. (Someone else is guarding him during this chapter, which is where the next one enters into play.) 

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Another good chapter.

 

It's good to see Mazeka get some more time in the story. I like that he's wanting to still get his revenge on Vultraz, but just doesn't know how yet. His interactions with Roodaka and Botar's Replacement were good as well. 

 

And speaking of Botar's Replacement, I kind of find it odd that he hasn't revealed his actual name yet. I know that we never got his real name in the canon Gen 1 story, but I think that it could be beneficial if you could give him a name or at least an explanation as to why no one would know his real name. I'm not complaining about it or anything. I just think that it would be odd if he was always called 'Botar's Replacement' throughout the story. (Unless there is a reason for it that I just don't know of. If so, ignore this. :P)

 

I still really liked this, and I look forward to the next chapter. :)


Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.


 


pc0lX6T.png

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He does have a name. I just use Botar's Replacement to emphasize how stupid he is. :P (Also, it's what Mazeka knows him by...and he probably wouldn't call him by that name, even if he knew it. Those two aren't exactly friends.)

His name is Boat-Tar

 

It's canon now

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Chapter 3 is up. 

 

Not much comment to the other reviews, although I will try to bring Botar's Replacement's name into the story if it works. 

 

This chapter leaves me a bit nervous about how it will go over; let me know what you think. Next chapter will be back to Mazeka & Tromeneg - eventually that pattern will be thrown out, but I'm not sure when yet. 

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“White One likes cotton candy and 007,” said Ghidora.

 

Well, I was introduced abruptly, that's for sure. But I think you made up for it with some good-timed silliness. :P

 

I wonder if I'll be fighting someone, and at the finishing blow, I mutter something so stupid and senseless that everyone is taken aback by it. Also, kudos on Vakama's character. He's coming off as way more enigmatic than before.

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