The Weirdest Double Date Ever (Valentine's Day 2016 Special)

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

It’s Valentine’s Day, and what better way to celebrate this romantic holiday than with everyone’s favorite not-quite-off-again-on-again-sorta-maybe couple? Oh wait, I know...how about with two of them?

 

 

 

The Weirdest Double Date Ever

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Part 5 of the Lewa# Studios Holiday Series 2015-2016

 

 

 

It was another morning in the city of Metru Nui. In her home in Ga-Metru, Toa Nokama was sleeping peacefully when a sudden racket from outside woke her up. Annoyed, she stretched and looked out her window, where she saw a procession of Ta-Matoran walking past. Normally this wouldn’t have been too surprising (except for the fact that Ta-Matoran normally didn’t like water much), but on closer inspection, there was something rather...unusual about these particular Ta-Matoran.

 

The most obvious thing about them was that each and every Matoran in the procession had been dyed a bright pink. This would’ve been bad enough for Nokama (she could hardly stare directly at their armor without hurting her eyes, it was so bright) but they were also banging on drums, shooting heart-shaped arrows randomly in all directions, and chucking heart-shaped cards at every Ga-Matoran they encountered.

 

Nokama shrugged. It was definitely Valentine’s Day, all right. She never used a calendar anymore, as she could always count on Turaga Dume’s outlandish ideas for the holidays to keep her aware of what day it was. She suddenly found herself energized, excited to find out what the day would bring! Valentine’s Day was a day full of love, romance, flowers, and chocolate. (Wait, actually forget the chocolate, because it doesn’t exist in BIONICLE. Duh.) A nice, peaceful, romantic day, that she would enj--

 

“HEADS UP!!” came a sudden shout. Suddenly Nokama found herself zooming hundreds of mio per hour, high above the city, dangling from the bottom of a shoddily-constructed flying vehicle. “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh, hey Nokama. Like my new Jet Soarer? When did you get here, anyway?”

 

Nokama clung to the side of said Jet Soarer (which had been made, as far as she could tell, out of some Axalara parts, two Kanohi Kadin superglued to the wings, several Air Katana duct-taped together, and--) “Are those Tahnok velcroed to the bottom? Why in Mata Nui’s name...never mind. Will you just get me off this thing?”

 

“The heat makes it go faster!” explained Matau with a . “No Krana, obviously. Like it?”

 

“You owe me a new house.”

 

Matau’s eyes widened. “Oh, that was your house...oops. Thought it was Onewa’s.”

 

“Why the Karzahni would he live in Ga-Metru!?!?!?!?!?”

 

(Pohatu attempted to appear to say his usual running joke, but due to being high in the air, took one look outside his time-comedy warp portal and closed it right up again instead).

 

“Dunno. Hey, does this count as a date?”

 

Nokama really, really wished he were in slapping range. “No! Just get me on the ground. RIGHT NOW!”

 

Matau rolled his eyes. “Fine. You’re no fun...” He laughed and pushed the controls forward.

 

“Wait, no, I didn’t mean like--GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Nokama screamed suddenly as Matau brought the Jet Soarer into a near-vertical dive straight into Le-Metru. At the very last second, Matau swerved, missing the Moto-Hub by inches, and twisted the vehicle upside-down as it plowed into the top of a nearby house.

 

Luckily, thanks to that last-minute twist, Nokama ended up safely away from the crash, and clambered down onto the wreckage unharmed. Matau, however, was not so lucky. “Blubbllbulbb...bluuuuuuuuuuuuugh... “ he rambled as he stumbled out of the vehicle and then immediately fainted.

 

“Uh-oh,” Nokama muttered, looking around nervously. “I hope nobody was home.”

 

As if on cue, two Turaga opened the inexplicably still-standing back door and peered out. “Oh, don’t worry. That happens just about every other day when you live in Le-Metru,” explained one of them. “In fact, I’m surprised I haven’t seen Kongu--” A large transport vehicle suddenly catapulted out of the nearby chute, ridden by a laughing Le-Matoran. The vehicle immediately splatted into the ground where the Turagas’ house had been standing. “Oh, never mind, there he is.”

 

“Come to think of it,” said the other Turaga, who Nokama could now see had green armor, “you look awfully familiar. Have we met before?”

 

A trident emerged from behind the door and bonked the green Turaga on the head. “You moron!” said the second Turaga, who now walked out of the door to join them, “she’s me!”

 

“ “ was just about all Nokama could say to that.

 

“Airplanes!” said a very woozy Matau, suddenly standing up. He looked around. “Yeah, I’m tired.” He fainted again.

 

“Wait...was that...?” asked the green Turaga.

 

“Toa Matau,” said Nokama. “Sorry about him.”

 

“WHAT??”

 

“I know. It’s a bit of a shock,” said the blue Turaga.

 

“HE STOLE MY NAME! I’m the only one awesome enough to earn the name ‘Matau!’”

 

The blue Turaga facepalmed. “Matau? He’s you.”

 

“Wait...” stuttered Nokama, realization suddenly dawning. “He’s Matau? As a Turaga? Then who are...you’re me?”

 

“That’s right,” said Turaga Nokama. “Somehow.”

 

Turaga Matau, Toa Nokama, and Turaga Nokama all staired at each other for a long, awkward moment. Then they all got lazy, so they switched to escalatoring at each other instead. Finally, Toa Nokama broke the silence. “Okay, wait, hold on. How can we both be on Metru Nui at the same time, if we’re Toa before we ever awakened the Matoran on Metru Nui but you’re only Turaga after returning to Metru Nui at the end of the 2003 storyline and the Toa Nuva are running around but Dume’s still active and apparently not possessed by Makuta and...where exactly in the storyline does the Lewa0111 comedy universe take place, anyway?”

 

Turaga Matau raised his eyebrows. “Short answer? It doesn’t.”

 

Toa Nokama shrugged. “Eh, fair enough. Uh, sorry again about your house. My house? Our house?”

 

“It’s okay. Like I said, we’ve seen worse.”

 

Toa Nokama glanced at the unconscious Toa Matau lying nearby. “So...what are we going to do about him? We can’t just leave him there.”

 

“Don’t you...me...us...we...whatever, just don’t worry,” said Turaga Nokama. “It’s easy!” With that, she walked up to Toa Matau, placed her hand on his face, then violently yanked it away with a *!palS*

 

Immediately Toa Matau sat up. “What happened? Where am I? Oh, hey old me. Hey, old Nokama.”

 

“ ” emoticonned Toa Nokama. “You’re taking this surprisingly well.”

 

“It’s a Lewa0111 comedy. I’m just shocked it took this long for us to meet.”

 

“I make a good point,” said Turaga Matau. “Hey, young me.”

 

“Remind me to teach you the secret art of the palS sometime,” Turaga Nokama whispered to her Toa counterpart. Then, louder, she asked the group, “So what should we do now?”

 

“I know!” exclaimed Toa Matau. “Let’s race! Matau Vs. Matau: The Ultimate Challenge!”

 

Still woozy from her previous encounter with Matau’s flying antics, Nokama immediately shook her head. “Let’s not.”

 

“Aww, you’re no fun.”

 

“ ” all four suddenly emoticonned.

 

Surprised, they all looked up. A flock of Gukko was passing by, all dressed up as Cupids with bows and arrows glued to their wings. Cameo the Le-Matoran, covered in pink, was riding the lead Gukko, dumping pink paint and heart confetti down onto everyone he passed, causing the victims to resemble “wub” emoticons. The two Turaga looked at each other. “Dume...and here he’s supposed to be the mature one,” Turaga Nokama said.

 

“You’re all Turaga though; shouldn’t you all be mature?” asked Toa Nokama, confused.

 

Her Turaga self just laughed. “Not really. Have you seen Dume’s holidays?” she asked.

 

Toa Nokama shrugged. “Good point. Actually, speaking of Dume, I’d almost forgotten today was Valentine’s Day! Shouldn’t you two be on a date?”

 

“Shouldn’t you two?”

 

Nokama (both of them) sighed. “A fair point,” conceded the Toa of Water. “So far my Valentine’s Day has been...less than romantic.”

 

“What are you talking about? I got you a free ride on my Jet Soarer for the occasion! That’s super romantic, right?”

 

“Definitely!” said Turaga Matau. “See, Nokama? ...Er, my Nokama? I told you that was a perfectly acceptable anniversary gift!”

 

“Matau, yourself does not count as a valid reference.”

 

“Hey!” protested Toa Matau.

 

Toa Nokama shrugged. “She has a point. Where were the flowers? Hearts? Chocolates?”

 

(We already went over this! Chocolate doesn’t exist in BIONICLE!)

 

“Unfortunately, both of our Mataus will need to try a lot harder to make this Valentine’s Day a good one,” said Turaga Nokama.

 

(Completely ignoring me, as usual. In a weird way, I kind of miss the fourth-wall-breaking Earth characters...uhh, don’t tell Onua or Whenua I said that.)

 

“Okay! I have a super romantic idea! Let’s go out on a date!” exclaimed Toa Matau.

 

“Very creative, Matau,” said Nokama sarcastically. “Can you be more specific?”

 

“Hmm...” thought Toa Matau. “Oh, here’s a good one. A double date! Or...single date? Self-date? Not sure what you call it. But we can go out along with our Turaga selves!”

 

Nokama considered this. “That’s actually not a bad idea.”

 

The two Turaga looked at each other. “See? That was a halfway decent Valentine’s Day idea. Why didn’t you ever come up with anything like that?” asked Turaga Nokama.

 

“But I have come up with that!” protested Turaga Matau.

 

“Oh really? When?”

 

“When I was a Toa and this happened, and I said that, just now! ...Then?”

 

“I don’t even...you know what, never mind.”

 

Ignoring this rather odd conversation, Toa Matau asked, “So this is an actual, official date? Awesome! Where should we go?”

 

“I’ve wanted to visit the new Colosseum they just finished building! Can we go there?”

 

“Sure, anything for you! I’m driving,” said Toa Matau.

 

“NO!” both Nokamas shouted simultaneously.

 

“Aww, why not? I’m a great driver!”

 

“Agreed!” said Turaga Matau.

 

Both Nokamas gazed pointedly at the wreckage of the house and Jet Soarer.

 

 

 

 

Some time later, Toa Nokama was (very carefully) flying them all toward the center of the city, where a gleaming new Colosseum had been built to replace the one destroyed in the recent New Year’s debacle. A few Vahki construction crews (and Takanuva) were still finishing up the last touches on the building, but for the most part it was completed. It featured elevators, an observation deck, a much better sound system than before, extensive sky-parking, and even separate stadiums for Akilini, Kohlii, Sohker, Gholph, and numerous other Matoran sports. However, it wasn’t in the same location as the old Colosseum, but rather in a prime location right next to the Nuva Inn, which now had a skybridge connecting the two structures. (Toa Lewa had insisted on the new location, “claiming” that it had nothing to do with wanting more money.)

 

“That looks like a good spot!” said Turaga Nokama, pointing to a sky-parking spot right near the main entrance. Her Toa self steered toward the spot, but as they got there, a small flying spider-shaped vehicle cut in front of them, settling neatly into the spot. “Aww.”

 

“Hey, what’s the big idea?” demanded Matau of the other vehicle. “Nobody makes my girlfriend sad!”

 

Both Nokamas SLAP!ed their respective Mataus. “What did I do?” asked Turaga Matau.

 

“When you were a Toa and this happened. Just now,” Turaga Nokama said, quoting his own words from earlier back at him.

 

“I hate irony.”

 

While this conversation was happening, Matau leaped into the air and flew over to the parking spot. “I’ll have you know that was our spot. We saw it first!” The door of the other vehicle opened to reveal... “Wait, Oohnorak? What are you doing here?”

 

The black-and-orange Visorak stepped out. “It’s Valentine’s Day, obviously.”

 

“Wait a minute, you have a girlfriend? Since when?”

 

A Boggarak stepped out of the other side. “Since forever. This is Katie the Boggarak.”

 

“How did I not know about this?”

 

“What did you think I was doing whenever I wasn’t in entire chapters of Ask Matau!, sitting around? I was usually out with Katie.”

 

“Huh. I just figured Lewa0111 forgot about you.”

 

“Nah. I was busy.”

 

“Oh, okay. But look, can we still have the parking spot?”

 

The Visorak shrugged (no easy feat when you’re a spider). “Well, yeah. We’ll be gone soon. Bye!”

 

As the two Visorak walked into the Colosseum, hand-in-hand (er...”pincer-in-pincer?”), Random Matoran #35 jumped into their vehicle. “One order of valet parking, coming right up!” he said with a , flying the vehicle off.

 

Toa Nokama, seeing this, settled their vehicle onto the spot. “Thanks, Matau! That was sweet of you.” She then tried to kiss him on the cheek, but only succeeded in bonking their masks together and knocking them off. Luckily, their Turaga selves quickly put their masks back on before the Toa could faint. “Okay. That didn’t work.”

 

“We’ve tried that before,” Turaga Nokama commented.

 

“Sure, now you tell me! Whatever, let’s just go inside.”

 

The odd pair of couples walked through the door, as behind them, Random Matoran #35 flew the vehicle away. Once inside, they were greeted with billboards advertising everything from Nidhiki’s Webbing Services to Avohkii Construction, Inc. to the Skydiving Club and beyond. Crowds of various beings milled about, coming and going from the Kohlii game on the ground floor, the Nuva Inn, the restaurants and observatory on the top floor, and the many shops installed along the side. “Wow,” gasped both sets of Nokamas and Mataus in astonishment.

 

“This is definitely an improvement over the old one,” Toa Nokama commented. “I could shop here all day!”

 

“Well, we’re not here to shop,” said Turaga Matau.

 

“It’s Valentine’s Day, can’t you stop thinking about yourself for one minute?” demanded Turaga Nokama.

 

“But I like thinking about myself!”

 

“WE KNOW,” said both Nokamas.

 

Toa Matau just pointed to one of the billboards advertising the top floor. “Actually, I’m right...he’s right...I’m right...WHATEVER. We’re not here to shop because we have a dinner reservation!”

 

“I’m fine with that!” said Toa Nokama. “I just hope it goes better than the last time we went out to a restaurant.”

 

“Don’t worry. I’m not wearing a tie this time!”

 

“That’s a relief,” Turaga Nokama observed.

 

The four of them ascended the elevator to the top floor, where they emerged into the latest addition to the Tava’s Pie House series of restaurants. “Welcome to Tava’s Pie House: Pie-in-the-Sky Edition!” said Random Matoran #35, dressed as a waiter.

 

“Wait a minute, weren’t you the valet driver?” asked Toa Matau, confused.

 

“Yes,” said Random Matoran #35.

 

“And now you’re the waiter?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“But how did you get up here so fast? And change your uniform?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“ ”

 

“Sorry about him,” interjected Turaga Nokama. “Just show us to our seats.”

 

“Okay, right this way.”

 

They passed several tables filled with various couples, including Nidhiki and Lariska (and a very confused Krekka), Everyone and Nobody (strangest couple name ever), Roodaka and Sidorak (who insisted on the royal treatment), Krika and Krahka (prone to mixing up their own names), Hewkii and Macku (who apparently didn’t care that their relationship is non-canon), Oohnorak and Katie (who Matau still couldn’t believe were even dating), and, for some inexplicable reason, Gresh and Kiina.

 

“Are those Bara Magnan Glatorian over there?” whispered Toa Nokama to her Turaga self.

 

“Yes, I believe you’re right.”

 

“Why are they here? Isn’t this comedy before--”

 

“I told you, just accept that no official storyline timeline makes any sense in Lewa0111 comedies, and you’ll feel better,” whispered Toa Matau.

 

Finally, Random Matoran #35 sat them down at their table. “Enjoy!” he said.

 

They looked at their menus. “Wow. I never knew this many types of pies existed!” said Toa Nokama.

 

“There’s a ‘Stuff Matau Likes’ Pie? This place really does have everything,” said Toa Matau with a .

 

“I’ll definitely be having one of those, too,” said Turaga Matau. “This place is the best!”

 

“They even have a ‘Jumble-of-random-foods-typically-found-in-comedies-including-cheese-pickles-cookies-bananas-and-pie-yes-pie-within-pie-don’t-ask’ pie? That is one long name,” commented Turaga Nokama.

 

In no time at all, Random Matoran #35 was back to take their order. Both Mataus ordered...well, you can probably guess; Toa Nokama had a “Seafood Delight Pie,” and Turaga Nokama decided to try the “Observation Platform Pie,” which was a specialty only served in this particular Tava’s Pie House. “So,” said Toa Matau after they’d all placed their orders, “what was everyone’s favorite part of the day? I liked the part where I was awesome. And where I met another me. You’re much nicer than that Toa Matau clone I ran into before. He was a...word we can’t say on BZPower.”

 

“How many of us are there?” asked Turaga Matau. “We should make a Matau band. Or a Matau city! All Mataus, all the time!”

 

“That’s a great idea. Let’s see, there’s us, that clone Matau, the toy version of you from one of Lewa0111’s old cancelled comedies, the Matau from Ask Matau! (or is that me? I’m confused), the official storyline Mataus....”

 

“I just got an idea! Let’s take Bitil’s mask! Then we could have infinite Mataus!”

 

“BEST. IDEA. EVER.”

 

While this conversation was going on, the two Nokamas were exchanging looks of exasperation. “This sounds like a recipe for disaster,” Turaga Nokama commented.

 

“‘Recipe for disaster?’ Did you want our Disaster Pie recipe? We’re selling all of our Pie recipes in the gift shop on our way out!” exclaimed Random Matoran #35, arriving with their orders.

 

“Uhh...maybe. Anyway, thanks for the food.”

 

Suddenly, an explosion erupted from the kitchen, and a geyser of fire launched itself into the air. The entire place caught fire, and screaming Matoran ran everywhere. “Hey, what’s the big idea? I was about to eat!” shouted Turaga Matau.

 

Both Nokamas stood up and started to put out the fire, but two flying transports pulled up outside the windows, discharging a firematoran carrying a long hose, who swiftly put out the fire. A drenched Tahu stumbled out of the former kitchen. “For once it wasn’t my fault!” he was saying. “Nidhiki shouldn’t have ordered the ‘Extra-Gigantic-Mega-Size Fire Pie!’”

 

<TOA TAHU. YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR BURNING STUFF. AGAIN> said a Vorzakh, leading a squad to arrest the aforementioned Toa of Fire. <YOU WILL COME QUIETLY>

 

“That was...uhh...interesting,” commented Toa Nokama.

 

“I just hope we get a refund,” Turaga Matau said. “Our pies are all charred to a crisp!”

 

“REFUND??” shouted a randomly appeared Lewa. “DON’T YOU DARE TAKE MY PRECIOUS MONEY!”

 

As the Vorzakh led Tahu away in the background, Tava said, “Lewa? You don’t even own this restaurant. It’s not actually your money.”

 

“I do now! I’m buying your restaurant.”

 

“It’s not for sale...” Before Lewa could get more upset, Tava grabbed a Widget Pie and pied Lewa in the face with it. “Here, now go back to your Manager’s Suite.”

 

“Yay, a Money Pie!” Lewa then flew off back to the Nuva Inn as randomly as he had come. “Oh, and no refunds.”

 

“...He doesn’t even work here,” said the firematoran, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. But Charred-to-a-Crisp Pies are actually pretty good. I’ve had them before. They’re surprisingly popular with Ta-Matoran.”

 

“Well, none of us are Ta-Matoran,” observed Toa Nokama.

 

“This date is a disaster,” murmured Toa Matau.

 

The firematoran shrugged. “It could be worse. You could all be on fire right now.”

 

“A fair point,” said Turaga Nokama.

 

As the firematoran got back into his vehicle and flew away, he took off his Mask of Fireproofing to reveal himself to be Random Matoran #35. Toa Matau turned around as soon as the vehicle had left, only to see Random Matoran #35 walking up to their table, ready to receive their check. “Wait but--wha--how--you were the firematoran just now!”

 

“Yes.”

 

Toa Nokama put a hand on his shoulder. “That certainly happened. Let’s just go; we can still see the observation deck!”

 

Toa Matau sighed. “Yeah, good idea. Check please!”

 

 

 

 

After both Mataus had paid for their respective dates, all four found themselves out on the observation deck next to the restaurant. They gazed out upon the beautiful, romantic sight of the city’s lights twinkling against the sunset.

 

They also gazed out upon Ta-Metru exploding from an unsuccessful attempt at baking Valentines’ Day cookies, Le-Metru experiencing a rain of vehicles crashing from running into Cameo’s flocks of pink-paint-and-heart-confetti-dropping Gukko birds, Po-Metru inexplicably causing a giant sinkhole to erupt from a poorly-thought-out quarry (in which Hafu had been carving a giant valentine out of the stone to give to...himself), Onu-Metru dealing with the aforementioned giant sinkhole, Ga-Metru filling with the panicked screams of pink Ta-Matoran falling into one-foot-deep water and thinking they were drowning, and Ko-Metru doing absolutely nothing for the occasion because they were too busy doing scholarly things to bother with the holiday.

 

Okay, maybe ‘beautiful, romantic sight’ wasn’t the best description.

 

“You know,” said Toa Matau, “as random as today was, I look out at this sight and I think something.”

 

“Oh? And what’s that?” asked Nokama, anticipating something heartwarming and romantic.

 

“Random Matoran #35 was right, even if he does keep changing jobs inexplicably. My plan for today was still the best out of everyone else’s!” he said with a , gesturing to the sounds of chaos from the city below. Nokama just facepalmed.

 

On the other side of the platform, the two Turaga watched their Toa selves. “I miss those days,” Turaga Nokama said wistfully. “I liked being a Toa.”

 

“Being a Toa-Hero was fun. It’s nice seeing them. Us. Ourselves. Themselves. Whatever.”

 

“Today was fun, though. Even if I never got to find out what an Observation Platform Pie tastes like.”

 

“You know what I think, though?” asked Turaga Matau.

 

“That you’re the greatest Toa-Hero ever?”

 

“No...well okay, yes, but I meant besides that. Being a Turaga isn’t all that bad. Toa Me hasn’t had nearly as much time spent with you, after all. And those are some great memories to have.”

 

“...And who couldn’t be happy with today? Spending it with such a hottie-hot-hottie like you is--” Toa Matau was saying, which was predictably met with a *SLAP!*

 

Seeing this, Turaga Nokama raised an eyebrow (despite wearing her mask). “Well, okay, they weren’t all great memories,” Turaga Matau admitted. “But I still wouldn’t trade them for the world. That Toa of Air still has a lot of fun times ahead. And I should know! I’m literally him!”

 

“That was...surprisingly sweet,” Turaga Nokama said. They started to kiss--

 

“Ha, ha!” yelled Cameo, zooming overhead with his bucket and upending it over all of them, then throwing a smartphone and two Xbox Ones at the almost-kissing Turaga for good measure before flying away.

 

Both Mataus and Nokamas looked at each other. “Some things never change,” Toa Nokama said as a squad of Vahki zoomed past, followed by a policematoran riding a Gukko, all chasing the prankster.

 

“Except for him, apparently,” Toa Matau pointed out. Sure enough, the policematoran was Random Matoran #35.

 

Just then, the doors swung open, and Toa Tava came racing out onto the platform, carrying four pies in his hands. “Wait! You forgot your free desserts! I made special-edition Valentines’ Day Pies for you all!”

 

“Oh, wow, thank you--” Toa Nokama started to say, but was interrupted when Tava, as per usual, pied them all in the face. (Apparently this is the only way he knows how to serve pies).

 

Unfortunately, they were all still standing right next to the railing when he did so, which sent all four of them toppling over the edge.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!”

 

THE END

 

Random Matoran #35 the Word Counter: This comedy has 3,953 words.

 

Toa Matau: Wait, you mean he’s the word counter too?

 

Random Matoran #35 the Word Counter: Yes.

 

~Happy Valentine’s Day from Lewa# Studios!

 

 

Halloween Special 2015

 

Thanksgiving Special 2015

 

Christmas Special 2015

 

New Year’s Special 2015

 

Lewa0111 Nuva

Edited February 14, 2016 by Lewa0111 Nuva

[Erasmus Graves]

Hilarious as usual, sir. Toa/Turaga crossover was a good idea, plenty of chuckles, and Random Matoran #35 gag was great.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

This was great. It was a really fun idea to have the Toa Matau and Nokama hang out with their Turaga selves. Also, it appears to be a miracle that Metru Nui has survived all these different holidays.

[Pohatu: Uniter of Stone]

The only bad part of this comedy was when I scrolled down and there was no more comedy left to read.