Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Photo

His Quest Review


  • Please log in to reply
10 replies to this topic

#1 Offline TrueshadowX01

TrueshadowX01
  • Members
  • Toa

  • 150 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 13 2011 - 07:11 PM

Here is the Review page of His Quest. Feel free to give me any feedback. Here is the Epic.

Edited by TrueshadowX01, Dec 13 2011 - 07:12 PM.

  • 0

(Here is my BZPRPG Profile, Diotrua.)

"Don't! They will kill you like a small dog. Instead let your anger be as if it were a monkey on a treadmill; confused and tripping around." -Lelouch of Britania-


#2 Offline Makuta Matata

Makuta Matata
  • Members
  • Fluidic Master Nuva

  • 1,364 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 13 2011 - 08:07 PM

This is turning out nice. I like the new twist. I'll be following this.You do need to work on your grammar a bit, but it's still readable.Otherwise, nice job!
  • 0

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


#3 Offline Cederak

Cederak
  • Outstanding BZPower Citizens
  • Axiomatic

  • 4,145 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Dec 14 2011 - 01:06 AM

Sometimes, I'm in the mood to skim over the latest piece of work to make its way into the epic sub-forum. You were my winner today. So, I'll get right to it.

Takua, was a matoran

Takua was a Matoran (Matoran is always capitalized)

side entrance of Ta-koro

Ta-Koro (Koro is always capitalized)

Due to the absence of anything exciting and Takua left his post to explore a cave away nearby.

Due to the absence of anything exciting, Takua left his post to explore a cave nearby.

As he finished speaking he heard the sound of a large rat rahi and saw it coming closer to the entrance.

As he finished speaking, he heard the sound of a large rat Rahi and saw it coming closer to the entrance. (Rahi is always capitalized)Those were some errors I stumbled across in the first few lines, and unfortunately, the chapter has many more. Short of suggesting you edit your chapters in MS Word or an equivalent program (I actually, highly recommend it), the most important thing I want to say, is don't be shy with the comma usage. It will help pace things a lot better.Second piece of advice, review the dialogue in your characters. Read it back to yourself and ask, "Would I say this in real life? Does this sound like realistic, smooth dialogue? Does the speaking sound forced?"Looking at the actual story behind those issues, it's clear that you're reimagining an early chapter of Bionicle lore. With any remake, or reimagining, its important to stay true to the source material, without telling a story that feels too much like the original. On the other hand, distancing yourself from the source material too much, can destroy the connection you wanted to make to the original work. Keep that in mind as you go along. It's a tricky balance, and one I've never dared, but I wish you the best of luck with it.Your opening has revived some classic elements of early Bionicle storyline. We have Takua's adventuring, Jaller's sense of duty, and Vakama's expectation of responsibility in Matoran. If you review your work, edit up any grammatical or punctuation errors, and keep an eye on realism of your dialogue, there is an incredible degree of potential in this story. It's a bold move to start an epic, and I have nothing but respect for the people who at least give it a try, and post something here. I hope this epic continues to grow and eventually flourish. Keep at it, TrueShadow.-Ced

  • 0

#4 Offline TrueshadowX01

TrueshadowX01
  • Members
  • Toa

  • 150 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 14 2011 - 02:59 AM

Cederak, I found your suggestions to be very helpful observation. As you can well see, I am relatively new at writing epics and grammar has never been my strong point. However, I shall attempt to do better in future chapters.Although, I have to note that the introduction was more of a rough draft and I’ve noticed several errors after I posted. I will try revising it as much as possible. As far as capitalization of Bionicle vocabulary, I was unaware of such rules and was just sort of winging it.I am glad that it at least revived the old theme of the early years. That was my intention. Concerning retaining true to characters, this is very important to me. I will try my best to portray them as true as possible. However, there was so little source material to work in construction of the introduction. So I had to add some parts that weren't even mentioned. Otherwise it would have been too short of an itroduction.Anyway, I’ve finished Chapter 1 and I think there was enough source material to work with this in this chapter to form a decent story. Also, I got so into it that it started to remind me of the the glory days of Bionicle in 2001. Don't worry I will review it for grammar errors before I post it. P.S. Thanks Knuckles chaotix, I hope you enjoy the first chapter.-TrueshadowX01
  • 0

(Here is my BZPRPG Profile, Diotrua.)

"Don't! They will kill you like a small dog. Instead let your anger be as if it were a monkey on a treadmill; confused and tripping around." -Lelouch of Britania-


#5 Offline Makuta Matata

Makuta Matata
  • Members
  • Fluidic Master Nuva

  • 1,364 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 15 2011 - 06:11 PM

First off, it's spelled "Tehutti". I think. I know you spelled it wrong, though.The first chapter was... good.The grammar could use work. Not just capitalization, but use of commas, periods, and diction also.Another thing, you never explained how exactly Vakama's staff got there. I mean, if the Vatuka don't like heat, why would they have Vakama's staff? A Lightstone might have worked better in it's place.Otherwise, nice job, other than what I just mentioned.Also, the plot seems really shallow. Try deepening it a bit. XD
  • 0

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


#6 Offline TrueshadowX01

TrueshadowX01
  • Members
  • Toa

  • 150 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 15 2011 - 08:33 PM

First off, it's spelled "Tehutti". I think. I know you spelled it wrong, though.The first chapter was... good.The grammar could use work. Not just capitalization, but use of commas, periods, and diction also.Another thing, you never explained how exactly Vakama's staff got there. I mean, if the Vatuka don't like heat, why would they have Vakama's staff? A Lightstone might have worked better in it's place.Otherwise, nice job, other than what I just mentioned.Also, the plot seems really shallow. Try deepening it a bit. XD

Well, there was not mistake in spelling "Tehutti”. Remember, originally his name was spelled "Tehuti" in the online game and he wore a mask of speed. I actually changed it before I posted it to “Tehuti” once I found out through some research. Concerning Vakama’s Firestaff, it was actually in the GBA game, Quest for the Toa and it was used to help defeat the Vatuka. The explanation of why it was there will be explained in later chapters. Also, the reason the Vatuka didn’t care or noticed it was because it was not activated and did not give off heat. Yes, I know it may be a little shallow at the moment, but this is just the start of Takua’s adventure. Takua is just getting used to it and doesn’t quite know what’s going on or what he’s getting into. However, the main plot hasn’t really been explained yet, but it will in the next chapter. Uh, I am still a little confused on capitalization of Bionicle words, so I just capitalize all of them. Please help me out and explain what was wrong, I honestly don’t know. As for grammar, I’ll keep working on it.

  • 0

(Here is my BZPRPG Profile, Diotrua.)

"Don't! They will kill you like a small dog. Instead let your anger be as if it were a monkey on a treadmill; confused and tripping around." -Lelouch of Britania-


#7 Offline Makuta Matata

Makuta Matata
  • Members
  • Fluidic Master Nuva

  • 1,364 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 15 2011 - 09:12 PM

First off, it's spelled "Tehutti". I think. I know you spelled it wrong, though. The first chapter was... good. The grammar could use work. Not just capitalization, but use of commas, periods, and diction also. Another thing, you never explained how exactly Vakama's staff got there. I mean, if the Vatuka don't like heat, why would they have Vakama's staff? A Lightstone might have worked better in it's place. Otherwise, nice job, other than what I just mentioned. Also, the plot seems really shallow. Try deepening it a bit. XD

Well, there was not mistake in spelling "Tehutti”. Remember, originally his name was spelled "Tehuti" in the online game and he wore a mask of speed. I actually changed it before I posted it to “Tehuti” once I found out through some research. Concerning Vakama’s Firestaff, it was actually in the GBA game, Quest for the Toa and it was used to help defeat the Vatuka. The explanation of why it was there will be explained in later chapters. Also, the reason the Vatuka didn’t care or noticed it was because it was not activated and did not give off heat. Yes, I know it may be a little shallow at the moment, but this is just the start of Takua’s adventure. Takua is just getting used to it and doesn’t quite know what’s going on or what he’s getting into. However, the main plot hasn’t really been explained yet, but it will in the next chapter. Uh, I am still a little confused on capitalization of Bionicle words, so I just capitalize all of them. Please help me out and explain what was wrong, I honestly don’t know. As for grammar, I’ll keep working on it.

Oh. I didn't know the part about Tehutti. But I'm pretty sure that Onu-Koro didn't go down that far.

  • 0

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


#8 Offline TrueshadowX01

TrueshadowX01
  • Members
  • Toa

  • 150 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 15 2011 - 09:25 PM

But I'm pretty sure that Onu-Koro didn't go down that far.

I’m not sure what you mean. Are you talking about how large Onu-Koro is or something? :huh: P.S. I revised Chapter 1 a little. There should be less grammar mistakes.

  • 0

(Here is my BZPRPG Profile, Diotrua.)

"Don't! They will kill you like a small dog. Instead let your anger be as if it were a monkey on a treadmill; confused and tripping around." -Lelouch of Britania-


#9 Offline Makuta Matata

Makuta Matata
  • Members
  • Fluidic Master Nuva

  • 1,364 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 20 2011 - 08:48 PM

Is the next chapter coming soon?
  • 0

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


#10 Offline TrueshadowX01

TrueshadowX01
  • Members
  • Toa

  • 150 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 20 2011 - 11:17 PM

Is the next chapter coming soon?

...Chapter? :huh:Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I've been a little side tracked lately with my... "project" for BZP. Although, I would have to say it actually does connect with this epic in many ways, but I don't want to spoiler anything just yet. :biggrin:Just cross your fingers and hope everything goes according to plan. <_<*Evil laugh slowly creeps in... and then stops* :turn:Anyway, the next chapter will be up no later then the 22nd. ^_^-TrueshadowX01

  • 0

(Here is my BZPRPG Profile, Diotrua.)

"Don't! They will kill you like a small dog. Instead let your anger be as if it were a monkey on a treadmill; confused and tripping around." -Lelouch of Britania-


#11 Offline Makuta Matata

Makuta Matata
  • Members
  • Fluidic Master Nuva

  • 1,364 posts
  •  

Posted Dec 21 2011 - 05:43 PM

Is the next chapter coming soon?

...Chapter? :huh:Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I've been a little side tracked lately with my... "project" for BZP. Although, I would have to say it actually does connect with this epic in many ways, but I don't want to spoiler anything just yet. :biggrin:Just cross your fingers and hope everything goes according to plan. <_<*Evil laugh slowly creeps in... and then stops* :turn:Anyway, the next chapter will be up no later then the 22nd. ^_^-TrueshadowX01

That's tomorrow.

  • 0

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)





0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users