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The Jazziest JtO Spoof

spoof parody movie Journey to One Director

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24 replies to this topic

#1 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Aug 02 2016 - 01:58 AM

Chapter 1- Prologue: The Legend Begins (Part 1)

(On a sunny, tropical island, in the middle of a sparkling sea, is a man lying on a beach chair. He is wearing nothing but a bathing suit, sunglasses, an ascot, and a beret; next to him are a discarded pair of jodhpurs, a vest, riding boots, and a megaphone. He takes a sip from a coconut with a tiny pink umbrella poking out of it. A noise just beyond the palm trees catches his attention. He puts a hand to his brow to examine the source of the noise.)

Director: What on Earth...?

(A helicopter flies over the island and a bald man in a white suit slides down a rope ladder, landing next to the Director. The man flicks the Director a business card that reads: President Lego.)

Director: Hey pal, this is private property --

President Lego: No time for that! The people need the Director!

Director: Don't call me that. I'm not a director anymore. I haven't directed a movie since 2009.

President Lego: So what do I call you, then? Just "The"?

Director: I... look, what do you want?

President Lego: Well, The, we need your help. You see, we're making this Bionicle Netflix series and --

Director: Stop right there, I've already got the inside scoop. Your little Bionicle revival isn't even going to make it to two years. Why should I even waste my time with this sort of thing?

President Lego: *grabs the Director by the ascot and pulls him up to his face* BECAUSE IT'S TIME WORTH WASTING! Real life is scary and boring! We can give people the chance to imagine something better! A world where good triumphs over evil, where the strong protect the weak, and where you can do anything you want if you try hard enough! Yeah, we aren't making any more Bionicle after this for a long time, but Bionicle will always be alive as long as there are fans who remember it! Do you think people gave up when they stopped making Avatar or Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings or decent Star Wars movies or any other fantasy series that's over now? A story only dies when people stop telling it. If this reboot taught us anything, it's that Bionicle isn't dead forever. It will be back someday, and we can live the legend all over again.  Until then, why not have some fun with it?

Director: GfmeVK7.jpg?1

President Lego: Look, The, the point is, we can give the fans one last adventure in the world of magic rainbow robots. Isn't that worth it, no matter the cost?

(The Director stares off into the distance as images of his interactions with the brain-dead cast members of the previous films flash before his eyes.)

Director: Alright, I'll do it. On one condition.

(Meanwhile, at Harvard University...)

Dr. Takua, PhD: Now class, I've got a special guest today. Associate Professor Vakama has come today to talk about the benefits of apple pie compared to --

Vakama: Hold up, is that an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile heading right for us? Gandhi! Why? I thought we were friends!!! :crying:

(Back on the island...)

Director: Great, now that they're dead forever, let's make a movie -- erm... Netflix Original Series!

President Lego: Where did you get a nuke??????

Director: Places, people!  Quiet on the set!  Lights, camera --
 
President Lego: All those innocent people!  You just --
 
Director: Aaaaaaaaaand ACTION!

(Six comets fly through space towards the island of Okoto.)

Okoto: Gandhi! Why? I thought we were friends! :crying:

Narrator: In a distant world's time of need, an ancient prophecy summoned the Toa. Six legendary heroes, each powered by the energy of the island's elephants.

(As the Narrator introduces each Toa, they appear on screen.)

Narrator: Tahu, Toa of Wire. Kopaka, Toa of Mice. Pohatu, Toa of Phone. Gali, Toa of Slaughter. Onua, Toa of Birthday. Lewa, Toa of the Jungle.

Director: Stop, stop. What are you doing? None of those are right!

Lewa: Well, actually in this continuity --

Director: Shut up, yours is the most wrong! What kind of Toa powers are those anyway?

Onua: *with a mouthful of cake* :lol: I don't know, man. These powers are pretty great.

Kopaka: Speak for yourself! I just tried to make a bridge using my powers... that did not go well...

PETA: :mad:

Kopaka: Uh... I've gotta go!

(In the City of the Mask Makers, Narmoto and a group of young Okotans gather around a campfire.)

Narmoto: Much has happened, I know. After so many thousands of years, your families have returned to rebuild the Mask Makers' City.

Jungle Okotan: Wait, isn't it "the City of the Mask Makers"?

Narmoto: Are you a Protector? Do you have a magic Gatling gun mounted on your shoulder? I didn't think so. I'll call it whatever I darn well please. You know, just because of that, I'm renaming this place the City of Jungletribesucks! You got any more smart remarks?! :mad:

Jungle Okotan: No, sir...

Narmoto: Now where was I? Oh yeah. It must seem strange. You have only known the Region of the Jungle. And you, the regions of Stone and Ice and Water.

Jungle Okotan: Actually, it's just called "the Region of Jungle".

Narmoto: :mad: Well now it's called the Region of Losers!

Jungle Okotan: :(

Narmoto: But we are Okotans, and once this was the centre of our world. And now we have returned.

Earth Okotan: What are you talking about? Surely Capital City would've been the centre of the world.

Narmoto: :mad: WELL THE CENTRE OF THE WORLD SURE WASN'T THE REGION OF EARTH, I MEAN THE REGION OF BUTTS.

Jungle Okotan: :lol: Region of Butts.

Earth Okotan: :glare: Shut up, Loser Tribe.

Narmoto: I'm sure you have questions, but wait. First let me tell you how we came to return to our city. And give you a taste of what may lay ahead.

Fire Okotan: I think you mean, "what may lie ahead". Easy mistake to make, they're very similar verbs. You see "to lie" can refer to --

Narmoto: GUESS WHO'S LIVING IN THE REGION OF IDIOTS NOW?!

Jungle Okotan: Uh... you?

Narmoto: Wait, what? DANG IT!

Director: Hold up, we can say "idiots" now? I am so glad I came back to do this. :) Now shut up, you idiots, and let the man tell his story.

Narmoto: Sit.

(Everyone sits.)

Narmoto: Ha, Simon didn't say! I am so good at this game!

Ice Okotan: You know, we could just leave.

Narmoto: Okay, fine. I'll tell the story. Sheesh. Once, this was a beautiful city. And I like to think it will be again. But that will depend on more than your parents.

Stone Okotan: Will it depend on sufficient tax revenue to fund extensive public works and infrastructure upkeep programs?

Narmoto: Um... sure. It will also depend on six heroes from another time and place!

Water Okotan: The Avengers?

Narmoto: No.

Jungle Okotan: The students in Harry Potter's rescue mission to save Sirius Black from the Ministry?

Narmoto: No, stop. This isn't a guessing game.

Earth Okotan: Team Avatar, including Zuko and Suki?

Narmoto: No, it --
 
Stone Okotan: Twilight Sparkle and her friends?
 
Narmoto: Look, you --

Ice Okotan: The Toa Metru?

Narmoto: NO! JUST THE REGULAR TOA!!! And it will depend on if they can harness the elephants that give our planet life. You know them from the regions where you live. Fire, Water, Jungle, Earth, Stone, and Ice.

Water Okotan: You forgot Light, Shadow, Psionics, Plasma, Gravity --

Narmoto: Get out. :glare:

Water Okotan: :(

Narmoto: For you, they are just corners of our island, but to the Toa, they are lifeblood.

Ice Okotan: Hold on, blood is canon now? I'm offended by this. Also if we have parents, where do baby Okotans come from? I'm expecting to be offended by this too.

Narmoto: I'm ignoring you. But before there was trouble, there was peace. And maybe that's where we should begin. More than a thousand years ago --

Stone Okotan: So like 1001 years ago?

Narmoto: I'm ignoring all of you now. More than a thousand years ago, this was a peaceful and vibrant place. Our island's two protectors, Ekimu and his brother, Makuta, harnessed the power of the elephants and forged them into masks.

Water Okotan: Weren't there multiple Protectors during this time? I think it's a bit misleading to --

Narmoto: Oh hey, how's life in the Dung Tribe?

Ice Okotan: I thought you were ignoring us?

Narmoto: Shut up, Ugly Tribe!

Ice Okotan: And now I'm offended again. :annoyed:

Narmoto: But Makuta grew jealous of his brother and hungry for the power. So --

Fire Okotan: SO HE CAST A SPELL ON MATA NUI WHO FELL INTO A DEEP SLUMBER!

Narmoto: No.  Not that.  So unbeknownst to his brother, Ekimu, the jealous Makuta broke a sacred law, and jaywalked... to his mask forge where he created a mask that combined the power of all the elephants. He called it the Mask of Ultimate Power.

Makuta: And yet, it's still not as dumb as the Mask of Possibilities.

Narmoto: But as the power of the mask surged through Makuta, he became dark and evil. Knowing he had to act quickly, Ekimu took the sacred hammer and knocked the mask from the face of his brother.
 
(As Narmoto narrates, these events appear on screen.)
 
Ekimu: STOP, MAKUTA!
 
Makuta: What?  Oh no, please don't say it.
 
Ekimu: HAMMER TIME!
 
Makuta: annoyed2.gif Stupid 90s kids...
 
Narmoto: Ekimu saved Okoto, but the cost was great. Like at least ten whole dollars! Both Ekimu and Makuta were plunged into endless sleep.
 
(The Ancient Protectors are closing Ekimu away in his tomb.)
 
Ekimu: Wait, didn't you hear the narration?  I'm asleep, not dead!  I'm gonna need food!  And air!  Wait, why are there no air holes in this!  WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!?!?!?
 
Mamuk: Aw, he looks so peaceful.  I wonder what he's dreaming about?
 
Ekimu: I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR DESCENDANTS!!!!!
 
Narmoto: Our ancestors lay Ekimu to rest --
 
Fire Okotan: See, that's how you use the verb correctly.
 
Narmoto: :glare: Stop.  The masks, too powerful to be trusted to mortals, were hidden away forever... in the world's most obvious temples.  And after Ekimu was sealed into a secret tomb -- once again, put in like the most conspicuous location on the island -- the City of Jungletribesucks was abandoned.  Although Makuta lay buried deep beneath our island, his spirit remained powerful.  He summoned dark forces to find his Mask and awaken him.
 
Stone Okotan: All while he was asleep?  That's... that's not how sleep works.  Are you just making this up?
 
Merlin P. Mann: Aha, but, it's a magical sleep, you see.
 
Stone Okotan: Oh really?  And what do you know about magic?
 
Merlin P. Mann: Well...
 
Narmoto: If Makuta's minions managed to awaken him, our island would be plunged into darkness.  So we, the Protectors, gathered and performed an ancient rite.
 
(In the Temple of Time...)
 
Kivoda: This isn't working.
 
Korgot: Obviously not.  You can't summon a whole bunch of Toa in one turn.  That's against the rules!
 
Izotor: What if we travelled across the island, fighting Rahi and collecting Toa Stones --
 
Kivoda: Look, let's just order them off of the Lego Store like everybody else.  We'll probably even get free shipping.

Izotor: Fiiiiiiine.
 
Narmoto: Their legend was carved into the walls of our temples, and their names were kept alive in our rituals.  These were the Toa.  And it would be up to them to save Okoto.
 
Director: Okay, seriously, why was everyone talking about elephants earlier?



----

 

Okay, I think we'll wrap things up there.  I've done the math and in the previous movies, a chapter would run about 4-6 minutes.  This so far is about 5 minutes in, so I think that's a pretty good place to stop.  Basically, I'll try to post a new chapter every week or so, breaking down the episodes into 2-3 parts each depending on how things flow.
 
See also:

The Newest MoL Spoof
The First LoMN Spoof
The Greatest WoS Spoof
The Awesomest TLR Spoof


Edited by SPIRIT, Aug 09 2016 - 02:43 AM.

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#2 Offline The 1st Shadow

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Posted Aug 02 2016 - 03:57 AM

*slow clap building in speed*

 

Bravo, good sir! I should be in bed right now, but I saw this and decided laughter was better than sleep.

 

And boy, did you deliver. when I saw this, I was wondering how Takua and the previous morons were gonna factor into this. I like how you dealt with them. :P And I love that Narmoto is the resident grump now. Can't wait for the next chapter. :D


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#3 Offline Toa Jaton

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Posted Aug 02 2016 - 06:29 AM

Yess!!I really like your previous spoofs,and I'm sure this one will be great too!


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#4 Offline Erasmus Graves

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Posted Aug 02 2016 - 06:48 AM

Gave me a good evening laugh, this did. The awesomesauce is strong with this one :afro:


Edited by Erasmus Graves, Aug 02 2016 - 06:49 AM.

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#5 Offline Master Inika

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Posted Aug 02 2016 - 06:36 PM

Great job! SPIRIT, Master of Comedy, returns to give us some of the funniest story on BZPower. Serious, you haven't lost your talent one bit, and I can't wait for the next installment. Keep up the great work!


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#6 Offline Kopekemaster

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Posted Aug 23 2016 - 10:11 AM

Oh man, the king of spoofs returns. Can't wait for the next chapter.


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#7 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Aug 23 2016 - 06:21 PM

There are too many funny lines of dialogue to quote here. This is just simply amazing. It's good to see you writing another spoof, SPIRIT. :)

 

I can't wait for the next chapter.


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#8 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Sep 10 2016 - 08:32 AM

Hey guys, sorry about the delay. Real life hit hard and didn't stop. It's looking like it might be this busy for a while, so expect perhaps longer delays between chapters. Don't worry, I'll finish it eventually!
 

----


Chapter 2- Prologue: The Legend Begins (Part 2)

(Narmoto continues his tale...)

Narmoto: The Toa of the Jungle, Lewa, was fast on his feet and quick witted. Like the Jungle that gave him his power, he was constantly changing and the most playful of the group.

Jungle Okotan: Okay, two questions on that one. 1) How are jungles playful? 2) How in the heck are the legends this detailed?

Director: I'm so glad you asked. 1) Shut. 2) Up. :)

Narmoto: The brooding Pohatu was the most serious of the group. And while the Toa of Stone was rarely happy, he was fearless and powerful.

Stone Okotan: Sheesh, what a contrast from Generation 1. I wonder how that happened...

(Flashback to 2014...)

President Lego: So that's the plan. We're bringing back Bionicle next year. Are you in?

Pohatu: I am so totally in! What would Bionicle be without the bestselling Toa of all time?

President Lego: :superfunny: Bestselling Toa? Oh wow, you're actually serious. Yikes.

Pohatu: :(

President Lego: Look, just drop off your bio on Merlin's desk and wait for us to send you the script.

Pohatu: Aw man, I've gotta spice up my bio. Now what's cool, tough, and exciting? Hmm... I've got it. Australian Batman. I am a genius. No one will be upset by this at all. :)

(End of flashback.)

Narmoto: Kopaka, the Toa of Ice, was fearless and strong, but he could be as inflexible and cold as the elephant that gave him his power.

Kopaka: Wait, is this legend insulting me? Who wrote this?!

Tahu: B-) Total mystery. We'll probably never find out. Best not to ask questions. Thanks again, Merlin. I left the money on your desk.

Merlin P. Mann: :D

Narmoto: Gali was as powerful as the others, but as resilient as the Water that was her elephant.

Gali: Wait, why doesn't my legend have a personality?

Narmoto: Uhh...

Kopaka: It's because you don't have a personality.

Gali: :(

Kopaka: Oh wow, I am cold.

Tahu: Also ugly. I think the legend was supposed to say something about Kopaka being ugly.

Kopaka: :glare:

Narmoto: The silent, powerful, Onua, the Toa of Earth, would provide a foundation. Like the Earth that gave him power, he was immovable and enduring.

Earth Okotan: Immovable? What about earthquakes? And enduring? Have you even heard of erosion?

Director: And have you heard of SHUT UP?!

Narmoto: There was Tahu, the Toa of Fire, who saw himself as a leader even before he knew there were others like him.

Tahu: Wait, THAT'S my legend? Merlin? Why?????

Kopaka: B-) Total mystery. We'll probably never find out. Best not to ask questions.

Tahu: :glare:

Narmoto: With the help of their Protectors, the Toa found the Masks of Power. As they put on the Masks of Power, an ancient prophecy was fulfilled.

Fire Okotan: Wait, was the prophecy just that they would put on the masks? ... That's a really lame prophecy.

Narmoto: AND YET IT CAME TRUE!!!

Fire Okotan: GfmeVK7.jpg?1

Narmoto: And for the first time, the Toa experienced the elephantal power that each of them was born to wield.

Fire Okotan: Okay, that's definitely not true. You can clearly see them using their powers to get the masks in the animations. Or wait, were you just being metaphorical?

Narmoto: Oooh, now there's a good cop-out. Uh, I mean yes... that thing you said... The Toa had power, but they needed the wisdom of Ekimu. Only he could guide them to their true destiny. The Toa's search for Ekimu brought them here to the City of Jungletribesucks.

Jungle Okotan: :(

Narmoto: But when they arrived, it didn't look like it does now. It was all 2D and drawn in Flash. It was also a dark place, overrun with evil creatures. And around every corner lay a trap! *dramatic pause*
 
Ice Okotan: Are you seriously pausing for effect?  Your story is just a bunch of rapid exposition that most people watching this will already know.
 
Narmoto: I was actually pausing because I said the word "trap", and I was expecting an Admiral Ackbar meme.
 
Ice Okotan: Seriously?!
 
Admiral Piett: It's an older meme, sir, but it checks out.
 
Ice Okotan: I am so disgusted by all of this right now.
 
Narmoto: And for the first time in a thousand years, the footsteps of the living echoed through the City of Jungletribesucks that was abandoned so many centuries before.
 
Water Okotan: Hold on, what about Harvali?  She was there for quite some time before the Toa got there.  Do we have multiple layers of canon again in Generation 2?
 
Narmoto: Uhhhh... no?  No wait, I've got it.  She was just wearing very quiet shoes!
 
Water Okotan: Do you seriously expect me to believe that?
 
Narmoto: Uhhhh... she was a ghost all along?
 
Water Okotan: I knew it!
 
Narmoto: One by one, the Toa vanquished the creatures Makuta had sent to stop them, finally defeating the fearsome Skull Scorpions --
 
Stone Okotan: Come on, man!  They're Skull Scorpios!
 
Narmoto: You mean the giant monster that Mata Nui fought in The Legend Reborn.
 
Stone Okotan: No, that's a Skopio.
 
Narmoto: You mean the Roman general who defeated Hannibal?
 
Stone Okotan: No, that's Scipio.
 
Narmoto: You mean --
 
Director: :glare: Stop.
 
Narmoto: Anyway, they reached Ekimu's tomb.  The Toa realized that their history and our planet's were entwined.  As they looked upon the sleeping Mask Maker, somehow they knew how to awaken him.
 
Onua: Hey guys, let's put his hand in warm water!
 
Kopaka: Hate to break it to you, pal, but the prank of putting someone's hand in warm water to make them wet the bed is just a myth.
 
Onua: Who said anything about wetting the bed?  I was going to make soup.
 
Rest of the Toa: :OMG:
 
Narmoto: The six heroes had travelled far into the ancient city, defeating many enemies.  But only by retrieving the Mask of Creation would Ekimu stand a chance against his brother.
 
Fire Okotan: Hey what does the Mask of Creation do anyway?
 
Earth Okotan: :shrugs: Makes people into annoying internet artists?
 
Narmoto: Makuta's most powerful minions fought to keep the Toa from the Mask Makers' forge, but the Toa were ready.  Or so they thought.  They caught the Skull Grinder before he could destroy Ekimu's mask, but the creature was as cunning as he was powerful and, knowing the Toa would stop him from destroying the mask, he put it on and felt its power surge through him.
 
Kulta: Ah yes, with the power of the Mask of Creation, I will take all artistic requests!  Even your terrible OCs and OTPs!  And if you donate $20/month to my Patreon, I will let you see this WIP I did in purple crayon!
 
Tahu: You, sir, are nothing but a filthy sellout!  KILL HIM!
 
Narmoto: Filled with the Mask Maker's power, the Skull Grinder knocked the masks from the faces of the Toa.  Without their masks, the heroes had lost their power.  But they knew they must fight on, even if victory seemed impossible.
 
Kopaka: What happened to making art for fun?
 
Kulta: SIGN UP TO MY TWITCH STREAM AND WATCH ME DRAW LIVE FOR $4.99!
 
Gali: But that's super boring!
 
Narmoto: The heroes fought bravely until they had nothing more to give.  But their valiant effort gave Ekimu the time he needed... to get a Cease and Desist order to prevent Kulta from profiting off of copyrighted material.  Now wielding his ancient hammer, Ekimu took back the Mask of Creation and regained the power he once had.
 
Ekimu: Let me just crack open Microsoft Paint and start making a sprite comic about some Matoran who love cheese...
 
Tahu: What have we done?!?! *passes out*
 
Narmoto: The six Toa had done their duty, awakened Ekimu, and retrieved the Mask of Creation.  But evil was not defeated.  Their true fate was still waiting, deep inside the darkness.  Prophecy had brought the Toa to Okoto.  But what they'd experienced made them more than just heroes.  They have become legends!
 
Earth Okotan: They became the thing on maps that explains what the symbols mean?
 
Narmoto: I... you... How could that possibly be what I'm talking about?!
 
Earth Okotan: I don't know.  Your story confused me.  You kept alluding to a lot of details we couldn't see, like there was some sort of animated flashback going on.
 
Narmoto: Look, whatever, I'm almost done.  Just let me finish.  The challenges that lie ahead are huge, and the future of our entire world is at stake.  Their journey beings anew -- sorry, I mean, their journey begins anew.  Way to go, Netflix subtitles.  With their new armour and weapons, forged by the Mask Maker himself, the quest continues, as the Toa begin...  The Search for One.
 
Director: :burnmad: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  YOU HAD ONE JOB!  SAY THE NAME OF THE SHOW AT THE END OF THE INTRO!
 
Narmoto: In my defence, I don't even know what a Journey to One is.
 
Director: That's it, you're fired.  And this time I mean it.  I'm not backing out like I did with firing Vakama.  You're done, pal.  You'll never work in this town again.  Now get out!
 
Narmoto: I guess I went from the Protector of Fire to the Protector of Fired!
 
Director: SECURITY!!!


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#9 Offline Master Inika

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Posted Sep 10 2016 - 09:23 AM

Well worth the wait. Loved reading it, just like the last one. Hope to see more soon.
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"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
"
-- Turaga Nokama
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#10 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Sep 11 2016 - 12:53 PM

Another funny chapter. I really liked the parts of Kulta and his trying to make a profit from Twitch and Patreon. The explanation for how Pohatu became so serious was great too.

 

I can't wait to read more of these. :)


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#11 Offline Toa TimeLord

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Posted Sep 24 2016 - 09:23 PM

Loved every line.
If only someone could animate it.

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#12 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Nov 05 2016 - 01:16 AM

It's amazing how 2 months can just zip right by.  Okay hopefully from here on in I'll be able to make more regular updates.

 

----

 
Chapter 3- Episode 1: Quest for Unity (Part 1)
 
(Kopaka zips through the mountains on a path of ice, and two Ice Shadow Traps come to investigate.)
 
Ice Shadow Trap 1: You see this guy?  Just leaving his ice paths all over the place.  The guy's worse than Spider-Man.
 
Ice Shadow Trap 2: He's also a total ripoff of Frozone, who is also a total ripoff of Iceman.
 
Tahu: *wearing a poorly drawn cardboard Ice Shadow Trap costume* Actually, I think he's more like Elsa.  Talk about a drama queen!  Am I right, guys?
 
Umarak: Go!  Makuta was clear.  We will capture a Creature by day's end... Even though I've literally been doing this since the dawn of time, apparently TODAY is the day it happens.
 
Ice Shadow Trap 1: Maybe he put down a Lure for you.  Did you stock up on Great Balls?  Make sure to charge your phone before you leave.
 
Umarak: ... I have no idea what you're talking about, and this makes me very uncomfortable about my age.
 
(Meanwhile, in the City of Jungletribesucks.)
 
Ekimu: Your power over the elephants will serve you well, but a greater quest awaits you.
 
Gali: You mean The Quest for Camelot?
 
Ekimu: I said greater.
 
Gali: Balto II: Wolf Quest?
 
Ekimu: How is that greater???
 
Gali: Chex Quest?
 
Ekimu: Are you just Googling things that have "quest" in their name?
 
Gali: Quest...ion mark?
 
Ekimu: :glare:
 
(The Okotans begin calling out in fear as an army of Skull Creatures attacks.)
 
Tahu: Skull Warriors!  Which are... brown?  They've even got that spiky, brown arm thing Pohatu had when he was the Master of Stone!  What's going on here?!
 
Pohatu: :lol: Oh man you guys, what a craaaaaaaazy coincidence!  *Grabs a walkie-talkie*  Attention Brown Leader, abort Operation Two Birds.  Repeat.  Abort Operation Two Birds.  Like I was saying, guys.  Craaaaaaaazy coincidence!
 
Ekimu: With their leader gone, they are no real threat unless...
 
(Some Skull Spiders jump onto the Skull Warriors' masks.)
 
Tahu: Let me guess.  Unless that happens!
 
Kopaka: That's bad!
 
Ekimu: No, it's good!  Makuta is supposed to be in control of the Skull Spiders and the Skull Warriors.  If the Spiders are attacking the Warriors, it means Makuta is defeated and the day is saved!  Good job, everyone!
 
Director: Look, we actually can't afford new villains, but the script calls for a fight scene here so let's all pretend this makes sense, okay?
 
Ekimu: Alright, well uh... Use your new weapons and powers... against the spiders... controlling the zombies... or whatever's happening right now...
 
Tahu: Okay then!  Here they come!
 
Ekimu: Go on, use the elephants!
 
(Onua lifts some rocks out of the ground and smashes them into a Skull Warrior.)
 
Pohatu: :burnmad: Infringing on my elemental jurisdiction?!  *He grabs the walkie-talkie again.*  Operation Two Birds is back on!
 
Ekimu: Onua, good!  Pohatu!  Let the elephants guide your Crystal Blades!
 
(Pohatu draws his weapon.)
 
Pohatu: Nice.
 
(Pohatu's power flows through the blade and he attacks an approaching Skull Warrior.)
 
Pohatu: I could get used to these!  Hey, if this is anything like Generation 1, I'll probably have these for the next six years! :D
 
Director: Yeah, about that...
 
Tahu: The Protectors can handle the Skull Warriors!  Take care of the Skull Spiders!
 
Pohatu: Fine, spoil the fun.
 
Vizuna: Actually I think spiders are much easier to fight than REANIMATED CORPSES!
 
Tahu: Duh, why do you think I'm getting you guys to do it?
 
Vizuna: :glare:
 
Lewa: Come on!  Them's too easy.  Gotta step it up some!
 
Kopaka: Um... what?  Is that supposed to be Treespeak or are you having a stroke?
 
Lewa: What's you talking about?  This no how people talk?
 
Kopaka: What?  Of course not!  Who do you know who talks like that?
 
Lewa: New York mobsters that are also tribal natives?
 
Kopaka: Well, at least Lewa is usually a more secondary character.  It's not like he features in this whole episode.
 
Director: Yeah, about that...
 
(Lewa summons a thicket of vines from the ground to send a group of Skull Spiders flying.)
 
Gali: Let the Toa of Water try!
 
Kopaka: Ugh, is this your thing?  Talking in the third person or unnecessary exposition?
 
Gali: Gali is using her control over water to attack the Skull Spiders because they are evil and she is destined to defeat them, as was foretold by the ancient prophecy thousands of years ago.
 
Kopaka: Well at least she doesn't get a pivotal role either.
 
Director: Yeah, about that...
 
Kopaka: Oh come on!  Well, at least I can guarantee that Tahu and I will feature in most of the rest of this.
 
Director: Yeah, about that...
 
Kopaka: :plain:
 
Ekimu: Enough!  Leave them!  There awaits a Golden Mask of Unity hidden in an ancient temple.
 
Vizuna: Uh guys, we're still fighting here!
 
Kopaka: So, where do we go?
 
Vizuna: Oh my gosh, so many people are dead!  Why are you just standing around talking?!
 
Ekimu: I don't know, Kopaka.  But you do, if you look.
 
Pohatu: Look where?
 
Lewa: Hahahaha!  The last place you'd think to look!
 
Pohatu: :o The insides of my own eyelids?  -_- .... yeah, this isn't working.
 
Lewa: *pointing to his own head* Right here.
 
Pohatu: I don't get it.
 
Gali: Obviously he's got the answers written on the inside of his skull.  You hold him down, Pohatu, and I'll get the hacksaw.
 
Lewa: I was being metaphorical, guys!  METAPHORICAL!
 
Ekimu: You know so little of your powers.
 
Kopaka: Yeah, sounds like the writers are in the same boat.
 
Ekimu: Concentrate.
 
Lewa: Ahh. I... I see.  There's a Creature.
 
Ekimu: The Elemental Creatures guard the Golden Masks.
 
Lewa: Wait, I see something else.  I... I see London...  I see France...  I see Onua's underpants!  Wait, what's he doing with the --
 
Onua: :lookaround: Okay, well thanks for that, but I think that's enough of the psychic powers for today.
 
(Kopaka puts his hand up to his temple and concentrates.)
 
Kopaka: Something's wrong.
 
Tahu: What is it?
 
Onua: Look, guys.  I think we should just forget about the underwear thing.
 
Kopaka: Not here.  Out there.
 
(Kopaka sees a vision of Melum fighting some Shadow Traps.)
 
Kopaka: I saw the Creature, but something was after it.
 
Onua: Okay, look, I can explain.  I was a late night and I was feeling a little lonely so I --
 
Ekimu: They are minions of my brother, Makuta.
 
Onua: OH THANK GOODNESS.  Oh I mean uh, wow, that's a pretty shocking development.  So shocking that I think we've forgotten all about that underwear thing.  And we can all go on with our lives and never talk about this ever again.
 
Ekimu: Makuta must know something about the Creatures and their power.
 
Pohatu: Does he want the masks or the Creatures?
 
Ekimu: I cannot tell what he wants.
 
Makuta: Look, what's so hard to understand?  It's not like I infected a giant robot with a virus, waited 300 years for the robot to crash, captured the smaller robots that ran his brain, kept them outside of the brain for 1000 years, faked my own death twice, tricked some criminals into stealing a mask for me, took over the body of a smaller robot, got some guy to sacrifice himself to save the giant robot I killed, and then took over the body of the larger robot.  I mean that would just be silly.
 
Ekimu: I only know that the Creatures guard your masks of unity.  And only through unity will you find Makuta's Mask of Control.
 
Gali: And then we can destroy it!
 
Ekimu: Whoa, hey.  Why would you just assume that?  It's the only mask I'm missing from my collection.  Why do you just assume we destroy things?
 
Gali: Um, duh.  Mask of Control sounds pretty evil.  Best to destroy anything like that just to be safe!
 
Onewa: Hey guys, what's going on?  Did someone say something about the Mask of Mind Control?
 
Gali: :evilgrin:

 

Onewa: AHHHH, SHE'S BREAKING MY FACE!!!!!

 

Ekimu: You have much to do first.  Go.  I have masks to make.  *He points to Narmoto*  You there, come with me.

 

Narmoto: I actually got fired last time, I don't really --

 

Director: I can't believe you're ruining this scene too!  Just stick to the script!

 

Narmoto: Okay, then uh... Sure thing Mr. Ekimu, sir!

 

Director: What are doing?  Didn't I fire you?

 

Narmoto: But you said --

 

Director: Well don't just stand there, it's your line!

 

Narmoto: Alright, but I --

 

Director: Get off the set!

 

Narmoto: :crying: I don't know what you want!!

 

Kopaka: Is that it?  Are we done?

 

Lewa: It's like a game!  Hide and seek.

 

Gali: What?  How is that like hide and seek?

 

Lewa: First you hide and then when the person finds you, they put you on their face.

 

Gali: Who taught you how to play hide and seek?!?!

 

Pohatu: It's a dangerous game.  Keep your eyes open!

 

Gali: What?  That's not how you play hide and seek either!

 

Tahu: Pohatu is right!  I don't think we've seen the half of what's out there.  Why, I'd say we're only a few minutes into the second episode of what's out there!

 

(As Tahu wanders off for no reason, a Fire Shadow Trap scurries along the top of a cliff watching the group.  Also for no reason.  The scene fades to a cliff-side where Umarak is hiding in the shadows.  Once again, for no reason.  The scene cuts to a gorge as Gali walks through it.)

 

Gali: You're out there.  Somewhere.

 

(Gali does several impossible leaps up the rocks of the gorge.  Standing at the edge of a cliff above the sea, she takes a deep breath and dives into the water far below.  Two Water Shadow Traps scuttle up to the edge of the cliff.)

 

Water Shadow Trap 1: Okay, uh.  How did she A) do those jumps, B) survive that dive?

 

Water Shadow Trap 2: Obviously someone forgot to pay the gravity bill this month!

 

Water Shadow Trap 1: Whoa, is that a thing?

 

Water Shadow Trap 2: No, I was just --  *The other Shadow Trap pushes him off the cliff and he lands heavily on several rocks on his way down* --  joking.  Ow.  Everything is ow.  So much ow.  My entire life is ow.  Ow.

 

Water Shadow Trap 1: *whistles innocently and slowly back away*

 

(The scene cuts to the Region of Ice, or I guess it's the Region of Ugly now.)

 

Kopaka: That thing could be anywhere.  Hmm...  Okay, concentrate!  *He pauses for a few seconds and nothing happens.*  Yeah, that didn't help.  Oh well.

 

(Kopaka leaps down the hill and the scene cuts to Onua down in the Region of Earth... I mean Butts.)

 

Onua: Hey, what's going on here?  Why are we doing all these scene changes?

 

Director: Look, we couldn't afford an actual montage so this is the next best thing.

 

Onua: Is it?  These rapid transitions make it really hard for the audience to follow.  Are you trying to give everyone ADHD?

 

Director: What?  That's a ridiculous accusation!  I did not buy up a bunch of stock in pharmaceutical companies that sell ADHD medication before I started making this movie!  Why would you suggest something crazy like that?

 

Onua: I uh... look, I'm just going to do the scene now.

 

Director: Darn right you are.

 

Onua: Hello!  *it echoes down the cave*  Okay, we'll try down here. *He heads down the right fork*

 

Matau: Good thought-choice.  Never quick-turn left.  Very bad chance-luck.

 

Director: A) Get off my set you were even worse than Vakama, B) what are you even talking about?

 

Matau: It's a read-book laugh-joke from the Bionicle Adventures series!  You movie-watch type-folk probably wouldn't understand-get the subtle --

 

(The scene transitions to the Region of Jungle... I mean Losers.  Matau is left for all eternity in the Region of Butts.)

 

Matau:  :no:

 

(Lewa rushes through the jungle and hears a Jungle Shadow Trap following him.  Oh come on, the scene transitions again?!  Okay, back in the Region of Ugly with Kopaka zipping along on his ice path thing.  He lands next to some ancient ruins.)

 

Kopaka: That worked nicely... What am I saying?  That was great!  Ahem.  Okay, back to work.

 

(And so Kopaka walks along to the -- oh, okay we're transitioning again.  I mean, it's not like we actually expected any story progression in this show.  Now we're in the Region of Idiots with Tahu sliding down a cliff to the edge of a volcano.  He suddenly hears a rustling behind him.  He draws his Elemental Fire Blades and slices a nearby rock with his powers.  A Fire Shadow Trap cowers behind the rock in fear.)

 

Tahu: I know you're out there.  Go ahead and follow me.  If you can!

 

Fire Shadow Trap: Dang it, how did you know I was there?

 

Tahu: Oh, I didn't.  I was talking to the rock.

 

Fire Shadow Trap: Uh...

 

(Tahu jumps into the lava and he... sigh... okay, back to the Region of Losers, I guess.  Now we've got Lewa swaggering through the jungle as two Jungle Shadow Traps follow him.)

 

Lewa: Here go I!  Looking high-low for the Jungle Creature!  Marching I am into the jungle!  With no one else around, no how!

 

Jungle Shadow Trap 1: Okay, wait.  Is he doing Treespeak or some sort of Yoda voice?

 

Jungle Shadow Trap 2: Don't ask me, I got lost like 3 scene changes ago.

 

(A Skull Spider scurries along a nearby branch, and Lewa darts further into the jungle with the Shadow Traps in pursuit.  Lewa climbs a tree with... random giant raspberries in it?  Anyway, he throws one to distract the Shadow Traps.)

 

Lewa: Ain't much for thinking! *He leaps away*

 

Jungle Shadow Trap 1: Wow, how rude!  Once we get that random giant raspberry, we'll teach him a lesson!

 

Skull Spider: Oh cool, a random giant raspberry.

 

Jungle Shadow Trap 2: Hey, find your own raspberry!

 

Skull Spider: Who's gonna make me?

 

(The Shadow Trap pounces on the Skull Spider and brings him to Umarak as he emerges from the shadows of a tree.  Angrily, he tears the Skull Spider out of the Shadow Trap's clutches.)

 

Umarak: You waste your time with Skull Spiders?!

 

Jungle Shadow Trap 2: We were also wasting our time with raspberries. 

 

Umarak: Do not disappoint me again!

 

Jungle Shadow Trap 1: Can we at least have the raspberry?

 

Umarak: :glare: Fine.

 

Jungle Shadow Traps 1 and 2: :happydance: :happydance:

 

Umarak: Stop that.

 

Jungle Shadow Trap 2: It's a gif, sir.  It's set to loop indefinitely.

 

Umarak: I don't know what that means either!  WHEN DID I GET SO OLD?!

 

(The scene then cuts multiple times to different Shadow Traps across the island feeling Umarak's wrath and -- Oh for goodness sake, we'll just end it here.)


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#13 Offline Toa TimeLord

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Posted Nov 05 2016 - 07:22 AM

LMAO
This is to much.
I loved every line of it.
And Umarak don't feel old I know how you feel at times.

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#14 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Nov 07 2016 - 02:31 PM

This continues to be a funny series. I particularly liked the Gen 1 Bionicle and Pokemon Go jokes. :P 

 

Looking forward to the next episode!


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Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.

 

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#15 Offline Lutho Twelve

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Posted Nov 16 2016 - 02:03 AM

Dude, I love your jokes so much. Great job.
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#16 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Dec 03 2016 - 05:35 AM

Look guys, I wanted this to come out sooner, but then Pokémon Sun happened.  Also, I'm going to aim for at least one more chapter before Christmas, because after that I'll be pretty much busy until February.  But a promise is a promise!
 

----

 
Chapter 4- Episode 1: Quest for Unity (Part 2)
 
(Back in the Region of Losers, Lewa has found Uxar.)
 
Lewa: I knew I'd find you!  Haha... Or did you find me, I wonder?
 
Uxar: Dude, what if we found ourselves?  That's so deep man... Actually, thinking about this is giving me a headache!  YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!
 
(Uxar tackles Lewa to the ground.)
 
Lewa: Okay, well sorry.  Didn't realize you hated philosophy so much.
 
Uxar: Aw man, I just remembered that the other Creatures used to bully me back in philosophy class.  Now I'm sad.  YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!
 
(Uxar tackles Lewa again and sends him flying into a tree.)
 
Lewa: My spine!  My beautiful, bony spine!  I'll never walk again!  My dreams of becoming an Olympic -- oh wait, I'm made of metal.  I'm actually totally okay.
 
Tree: My trunk!  My beautiful, barky trunk!  I'll never... do tree things again!  My dreams of becoming a... oh forget it, my life is meaningless. :(
 
Lewa: Okay!  I got it!  You're plenty strong and you're fast, too!  But so is Lewa!
 
Uxar: Who's Lewa?
 
Lewa: Lewa is Lewa.
 
Uxar: :blink:
 
Director: Look, they're all going to talk in the third person until we can drill it through the audience's heads what everyone's names are.
 
Lewa: :mad: Ahem!
 
Director: Oh, I mean uh... The Director wants you to know that -- oh this is so stupid, just finish this scene so we can randomly teleport to somewhere else.
 
(Lewa looks at a large tree in the distance.)
 
Lewa: Let me guess now.  The temple.  It's in that amazing tree way out there, ain't it?
 
Uxar: I mean, it's an okay tree...
 
Lewa: I'm thinking maybe I'll get there before you do.
 
(Lewa and Uxar crouch down, preparing to race.)
 
Lewa: We'll just see, won't we?
 
Uxar: Oh I hate races, this is gym class all over again!
 
Lewa: Okay, on the count of three.  One, two... HAH!
 
(Lewa dashes off early, leaving Uxar behind.)
 
Uxar: :crying: And math class all over again too!
 
(Meanwhile, unda da sea, Gali swims up from a seafloor cave.)
 
Gali: Where are you?
 
Director: Wait, you don't have a Kaukau.  How are you breathing underwater?
 
Gali: Oh, silly.  This isn't like Generation 1.  All Toa have the ability to breathe their element.
 
Director: That... doesn't sound right.
 
Gali: Lewa breathes air, doesn't he?
 
Director: GfmeVK7.jpg?1
 
Pohatu: And Pohatu breathes stone!
 
Gali: No, I was joking.  You can't actually --
 
(Pohatu inhales a mouthful of gravel.)

Pohatu: My lungs!  My beautiful, spongy lungs!
 
Gali: Okay, I'm just gonna go now.
 
(She notices a giant whirlpool.)
 
Gali: What is that?
 
Akida: It's the mythological Greek sea monster Charybdis, sent by Poseidon to drown all sailors!
 
Gali: Wow, really?
 
Akida: No.  Why are you asking me?  Do I look like an oceanographer to you?
 
Gali: Oh hey, it's you!
 
Akida: ... you don't even know my name.  Rude!
 
Gali: So, will you lead me to the temple?  Great!
 
Akida: Wow, you didn't even wait for me to answer.  Double rude.
 
(Gali grabs onto Akida's fin and Akida swims into the whirlpool).
 
Gali: Wait!  No!  Stop!  Not that way!
 
Akida: Whoa, excuse me.  I didn't realize you knew the way to the temple.  Oh wait, you don't.  Triple rude.
 
Gali: You know, that sarcasm is also pretty rude.
 
Akida: :glare:
 
(Meanwhile, in the Region of Ugly, Kopaka is zipping along on what the Descriptive Audio calls his "ice slide".)
 
Director: Hold up, there's a Descriptive Audio track?  Are we going to go back and include all that narration?
 
SPIRIT: :uhuh: No.
 
(Kopaka sees a temple frozen in a glacier along with Melum.)
 
Kopaka: In the name of all the elephants!
 
Melum: STOP CALLING THEM ELEPHANTS!  IT'S ELEMENTS, YOU DOOF!
 
Kopaka: But I like elephants. :(
 
(Meanwhile in the Region of Butts, Onua comes to a fork in the path.)
 
Onua: I can't stand mazes.
 
(Using his Earthquake Hammer, Onua bashes through several walls until he runs into Terak.)
 
Onua: So you're in here too!  I knew it. Heh heh heh heh!
 
Terak: Okay, how did you find me?  I'm underground.  Do you know how big underground is?  It's quite literally the size of the planet!
 
Onua: And I bet you know an easier way through this thing.
 
Terak: Well hey, if we're just going to smash load-bearing walls, then we can get to the temple in no time.
 
Onua: Load-bearing?  Uh oh...
 
(Meanwhile, in the Region of... oh great, what stupid nickname did Narmoto give this one?  Oh, it's just the Region of Stone?  Yeah, I guess that's bad enough as it is.)
 
Region of Stone: :(
 
(Pohatu is climbing a giant cliff to reach the local temple.)
 
Pohatu: And there's the temple.  But what about that creature-thing?
 
Ketar: Sup?
 
(Pohatu lets go of the cliff in surprise and Wile E. Coyotes his way to the bottom of the cliff, leaving a Pohatu-shaped crater in the ground.  Ketar scuttles down after him.)
 
Pohatu: So, you wanna play.  Is that it?
 
Siri: Playing song "Is That It?"
 
Pohatu: What?  Dang it, I must've hit the home button on my phone when I fell.  Pause music.
 
Siri: Playing playlist "Pa's music".
 
Pohatu: No, just shut down the music app!
 
Siri: Playing album "Butt Gown: the Muse's Cap".
 
Ketar: Dude, you've got some weird music on your phone.
 
(Meanwhile, deep inside an active volcano, a rocky temple sits in the middle of a lake of lava, and Tahu proceeds to lava-surf towards it.)
 
Jaller: Hold it, buddy!  You can't just lava surf here!  You've got to wait for us to activate that bridge thing.
 
Tahu: I can't even begin to explain how impractical that bridge was.  Also you don't exist.
 
Jaller: Fair enough, carry on.
 
(Tahu reaches the temple and gazes upon it.)
 
Tahu: Excellent!
 
Ikir: Hey, get out of here with your cheesy 60's surfer lingo!  Who do you think you are?  Takanuva from the Flash PSAs?
 
(He tackles Tahu into the lava.)
 
Tahu: Well, good thing Gali explained earlier how I can breathe lava.
 
Ikir: But you're the Toa of Fire, not Lava.
 
Tahu: :mellow:
 
(Back to the Region of Losers, Lewa parkours his way through the jungle as Uxar flies towards him.)
 
Lewa: No you don't!
 
Uxar: Um, yes I do.  Just because this was made by some of the people who worked on Assassin's Creed, doesn't mean that parkour is faster than FLYING!
 
Lewa: Well maybe not, but it also means that I could just assassinate you!
 
Uxar: :mellow:
 
(Uxar races ahead, but soon is attacked by a Jungle Shadow Trap, who clamps down on his wing.)
 
Uxar: Owwwww!  Help!!!!  And don't use parkour, just run over here like a normal person!
 
Lewa: :rolleyes: Me?  A normal person.  Have you even heard my dialogue?
 
Uxar: Sigh... I'm gonna die.
 
(Umarak hears Uxar's screeching and shadow-teleports his way to him.  Reaching out his hand, Umarak causes shadows to engulf Uxar.  Umarak proceeds to use his shadows to attach Uxar to his back.)
 
Umarak: Yes...
 
Makuta: Look, you just beat Lewa.  That's nothing special.  Back in Generation 1 I used to beat Lewa like twice a week.
 
Umarak: Look, do you want your mask back or not?
 
Makuta: Right, sorry.  Carry on with your pointless vision.
 
(Umarak has a vision of the location of the Mask of Control before being attacked by Lewa and having Uxar torn off his back.  Umarak teleports and tackles Lewa to the ground.)
 
Umarak: I needed more time!
 
Lewa: Wow, that was rude of me.  Carry on, then.
 
Uxar: :glare:
 
Lewa: I mean uh...  Sorry, you lose!  And so does your Master, Makuta.
 
(Umarak melts into the shadows.)
 
Umarak: I hunt for Makuta, it is true.  But I answer to no one.
 
Lewa: Really?
 
Umarak: Yes!
 
Lewa: :D Well you just answered me.
 
Umarak: :glare:
 
(Umarak reappears in a tree and fires at Lewa with his Bone Hunting Bow Shooter.)
 
Umarak: Ew, is that the official name?
 
Lewa: Hey!  Over here!
 
(Umarak teleport-tackles Lewa again, sending him crashing into a giant raspberry tree.  Lewa dashes off and Umarak prowls around Uxar.)
 
Lewa: You're going to have to move faster than that!
 
Uxar: And that doesn't mean use parkour!  It's slower than literally any other way of travel!
 
(Lewa confronts Umarak, and Uxar rushes in behind Umarak's back.)
 
Lewa: *puts two fingers to his temple* Not yet.
 
Umarak: You know I can hear you, right?  Even if you have psychic powers, you kind of wreck it by speaking out loud.
 
Lewa: Unless I'm saying something different than what I'm thinking.
 
Umarak: ... Is that even possible?
 
Lewa: No. :P
 
Umarak: Now I will finish you!
 
Lewa: Yeah, not today.
 
Umarak: Oh, is now not a good time?  How about I pencil you in for --
 
(Lewa creates a massive tornado, grabbing Umarak and his day-planner and tossing them both far away.)
 
Umarak: Curses!  How will I be punctual and organized now?!
 
(Umarak reaches for his Bone Hunting Bow Shooter, but Lewa uses his powers to open up the jungle canopy, bathing the clearing in light.)
 
Lewa: You got no more shadows, Shadow Man.
 
Uxar: Actually, that term is considered outdated and sexist.  The preferred terms are Shadow Officer, Shadow Fighter, Shadow Carrier, or Shadow... whatever the gender neutral name for fisherman is.
 
Umarak: Darkness is rising, Toa.  You cannot stop it.
 
Lewa: Um, I think I quite clearly can.  This is like the most competent my character's ever been.  I didn't even get my mind controlled once!
 
(Umarak ignores that he lost to the worst performing Toa of all time, sinks into the shadows, and teleports away.  Shadowports?  Dangit, should've been calling it that the whole time...)
 
Lewa: Hah!  Imagine that joker coming after you when I'm around.  Not gonna happen.  You and me's a team!
 
Uxar: Yikes, are we still going with the weird talking thing?
 
(Lewa spots the giant tree in the distance.)
 
Lewa: The temple!  With all this grappling, I clean forgot!
 
Uxar: I will take that as a yes.  Sigh, why couldn't I get one of the normal Toa?
 
Lewa: We're gonna be good friends, you and me.
 
Uxar: Maybe try being friends with a dictionary first.
 
Lewa: I wonder how everyone else is doing?
 
Uxar: Look, if they have the English abilities of even a five year old, I guarantee they're already miles ahead of this partnership.


Edited by SPIRIT, Dec 03 2016 - 02:35 PM.

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#17 Offline Toa TimeLord

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Posted Dec 03 2016 - 08:09 AM

I love that the creature represent all the stereotypical fan complaints about the G2 characters and overall plot.

I just loved Uxar's smart mouthed comments.

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Of
The Twin Villages of Tesara


#18 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Apr 17 2017 - 03:20 PM

It's funny how December can suddenly become April when you're moving countries and starting a new job, but anyway, back to your regularly scheduled, incredibly niche comedic fanfic story.

 

----

 

Chapter 5- Episode 1: Quest for Unity (Part 3)

(In the Region of Ugly, Melum throws Kopaka backwards, and he definitely doesn't slip along the ice. In anger, he makes a giant crystal blob of ice and hurls it at Melum, who sends it right back at him.)

Kopaka: Weird. I totally thought that using ice against like the only other thing on the island that can control ice would work. I guess the old saying "fight ice with ice" isn't true after all.

Director: What? That's not a saying. No one says that.

Kopaka: I don't know what you're talking about. Everybody says it all the time.

Director: Shut up, Elsa. Let's just do a fancy jump cut to Tahu.

(The scene jumps to Tahu falling from the totally-not-Ta-Koro-temple-thing and miraculously landing on like the only rock in a pool of lava as Ikir hovers above.)

Tahu: Alright, you. It's time to fight ice with ice!

Director: STOP ENCOURAGING HIM!

(Meanwhile, in the Region of Stone, Pohatu throws a piece of pillar at Ketar, who shatters it with his tail.)

Pohatu: Oh great.

(Pohatu draws his weapon and Ketar retaliates by throwing a smaller piece of stone at Pohatu's chest, sending him flying into the rest of the pillar. The ground fractures and Pohatu emerges underneath Ketar, knocks him on his back, and pummels him with several large stones.)

Pohatu: I got news for you. I don't give up either.

Ketar: Oww... I liked you better when your only contribution was throwing Climbing Claws at people.

Pohatu: :( Hey, that was a good tactic!

Jaller: Um no it wasn't? I got killed by Turahk because of your uselessness. Go back and watch the final battle with the Rahkshi in Mask of Light. You'll probably notice that Kurahk did more to fight Turahk than you did.

Pohatu: Well at least I exist in this generation of Bionicle!

Jaller: GfmeVK7.jpg?1

(Ketar explodes his way out of the pile of rocks.)

Pohatu: I'm not gonna beat you, am I?

Kopaka: You should try fighting ice with ice.

Director: :glare: Stop.

(Cut back to Tahu in the -- okay, look. We all know where the Toa are and this chapter has like 50 cuts.)

Tahu: Maybe winning is not what this is about... Oh look, five bucks!

(Tahu leans down to pick it up, which Ikir interprets to be a bow. Ikir bows as well.)

Tahu: Oh wait, you guys are like hippogrifs? One would think this would be useful information to have before embarking on this quest. :mad:

Ekimu: Oh, you know.  Vague wisdom reasons.... Also we had to pad out the story with violence.

Tahu: Ah, Bionicle never changes.

(Cut to Onua approaching a chasm, behind which lies the Temple of Earth.)

Onua: Now where'd you go?

(Terak appears on the other side of the chasm in the temple.)

Onua: Um, what? This chasm goes on for miles. How did you get to the other side like that? It's a chasm, it's not like there are tunnels going the other way... Wait, unless you used your elemental powers to create a bridge across the chasm and then broke it.

Terak: :D

Onua: I hate you so much you stupid little --

Director: Ahem! Kids' movie!

Onua: :glare: Okay, let's work together.

(Onua kneels and makes the gesture of the root chakra.)

Director: Ahem! Cultral appropriation!

Onua: Just cut to the next Toa already.

(Cut to Gali.)

Gali: Unity is not the triumph of one over another, but the combining of forces. I do not know what you have to share, but I welcome your gifts, as equals.

Akida: Equals??! Lady, I'm a FISH! The people of this island have been catching and slaughtering my kind for generations. We live in constant fear of the baited hook. My own father was --

Gali: Yay, we're going to the temple!

Akida: :glare:

(Cut to Onua and Terak, who create a bridge across the chasm.)

Pohatu: :mad: Whoa, hey! That bridge looks suspiciously stone-based!

Onua: Didn't you jump out of a crack in the earth like two minutes ago?

Pohatu: Fair enough, carry on.

(Cut back to actual Pohatu, who rushes back to the desert after finishing his stupid joke, bowing before Ketar.)

Pohatu: Happy?

(Ketar bows.)

Pohatu: Thank you.. But just so you know --

(Ketar turns back and hisses.)

Pohatu: Exactly. We may be partners, but we're not friends.

Ketar: Can we be buds?

Pohatu: No.

Ketar: Chums?

Pohatu: No.

Ketar: Pals?

Pohatu: No.

Ketar: Pen pals?

Pohatu: ... maybe. But only because I really like pens!

(Cut back to Lewa -- since we're still not done with him somehow -- who opens the door to the temple. Inside, he does a lot of unnecessary parkour to get to the top of the tree.)

Uxar: You know you can just use your vague jungle powers to get to the top much easier, right?

Lewa: You would not BELIEVE the backlog of Assassin's Creed animation the studio is trying to offload on this film. Just go with it, okay?

(Lewa approaches his golden mask.)

Lewa: The Golden Mask of Unity!

(The Toa all put on their golden masks.)

Lewa: So what about the other nine masks scattered around the island?

Uxar: Yeah, we're not doing that in this generation.

Lewa: Aw man, why not? The world is all about blind bags and expensive collectibles these days.

Lego: Oh please, what kind of company sells blind bags of highly collectible bits of plastic. Not us, that's for sure.

Lewa: Uh...

(Lewa turns to Uxar.)

Lewa: I am ready.

(Cut to Tahu.)

Tahu: I am ready.

(Cut to Onua.)

Onua: I am ready.

(Cut to Spongebob.)

Spongebob: I'm ready!

(Quick cut back to Pohatu who just walks to Ketar without saying any lines.)

Pohatu: Whoa, what gives?

Director: Look, this show is the most Pohatu that anything has ever been since Comic 1, so shut up.

(Cut to Kopaka.)

Kopaka: First we are led by duty.

Mellum: Ew...

(Cut to Gali.)

Gali: Then, by unity with the elephants and their creatures.

Akida: What? That sentence has no context and made no sense. Did you put on the Mask of Stupid by mistake?

(Cut to Lewa and Uxar entering their Unity form.)

Antroz: Oh wow, smaller characters that merge onto the backs of the bigger ones? Real original!

Lewa: You're just jealous because our version actually looks good.

Antroz: :(

(Tahu, Onua, Pohatu, Gali, and Kopaka all merge with their respective Creatures. Cut back to Onua, reaching for his temple... or Terak's eye, I guess?)

Onua: What is that?

(Onua sees a vision of the complicated path to the Mask of Control.)

Onua: Oh my gosh.... we're going to have to play Zelda! Ekimu is giving us all Nintendo Switches!

Ekimu: No I'm not.

Onua: :(

Ekimu: But I am still giving you copies of the new Zelda game.

Onua: Okay, that's just cruel.

(Later, the six Toa and their Creatures all meet up and return to the City of the Mask Makers. Evening falls and Tahu, Gali, Onua, and Kopaka meet up with Ekimu.)

Tahu: The city's looking good.

Ekimu: The people of Okoto are hopeful.
 
Tahu: You guys called on the ancient powers of the universe to deal with a spider infestation.  I'd say hopeless is a more accurate descriptor.
 
Ekimu: Ignoring you.  They've heard it is the time of unity.  It is safe to disengage.
 
Tahu: But surely if it's the time of unity we should just be in these forms all the time!

Gali: Can we not?  Mine smells like fish.

Onua: Mine keeps stabbing me with its claws.

Kopaka: :crying: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MINE IS SUPPOSED TO BE!

Tahu: Ugh.  Fine.

(The Toa and the Creatures separate.)

Ekimu: I'm glad to see you have made peace with your creatures.

Kopaka: It was easy.

Ekimu: It wasn't and you know it.
 
Kopaka: Well maybe NEXT TIME we go out on a pointless quest, we could have the short old guy explain everything properly at the beginning!

Ekimu: You really don't get how this Bionicle thing works, do you?
 
Tahu: Wow, look at Lewa!

(Lewa soars through the air with Uxar on his back and lands in their midst.)

Lewa: This is great!
 
Kopaka: For you.  You can fly again.

Lewa: Yeah, about that.  Ekimu, how is making me not be able to fly an upgrade?

Ekimu: Oh, you know.  Vague wisdom reasons...
 
Lewa: You're a bad person.  So Kopaka, why the crying?  You can fly too.
 
Gali: But not like that, he can't!
 
Kopaka: I could, I just choose not to.

Onua: Wait, Kopaka can fly?  How does that even work??
 
GregF: Well you see Kopaka uses his ice powers to cool the air, forcing it under him, allowing him to -- wait, I don't answer these questions any more.  YOUR PROBLEM NOW, MERLIN!
 
Merlin P. Mann: Um... magic.
 
Onua: :glare:
 
(Pohatu joins the group.)
 
Lewa: Where's your creature?

Pohatu: Back there somewhere.
 
(Ketar joins the group panting.)
 
Ketar: He left me in line at the grocery store, you guys.  I had to talk to the cashier and tell her I didn't have any money.  Then they made me put all the food back.  It was very scary. :(
 
Gali: I don't get it.

Pohatu: I don't like scorpions, okay?  And they don't like me.
 
Ketar: Look, buddy.  If you think you can just go into a Nui-Jaga's cave and knock it down in a fun little mini game without retribution, then you've got another thing coming.  SCORPIONS DON'T FORGET!
 
Pohatu: I thought that was elephants.

Director: For the last time, it's ELEMENTS, not ELEPHANTS-- no wait, that's the correct usage.  Carry on.
 
Pohatu: When we gotta, we can do that unity thing, but until then, we're fine like this.
 
Lewa: Did you have the vision?

Pohatu: Of the exact date and time that Bionicle Generation 3 will be announced?  Yeah.

Lewa: No... of the maze.  Wait, did you really --
 
Ekimu: You saw a maze?
 
Lewa: No wait, you guys.  Pohatu just --
 
Tahu: And Makuta's mask.  When we became one with the Creatures.
 
Ekimu: Of course, it was the creatures who hid the mask.  But I know of no labyrinth anywhere on the island.
 
Tahu: Wow, guy who's asleep for thousands of years doesn't know things.  Shocking. :glare:
 
Onua: But the creatures do, and they will lead us there.
 
Ekimu: Let us hope so.
 
Gali: You look worried.
 
Ekimu: Makuta is powerful.  If you can reach the mask, so can he.
 
Pohatu: Unless we kill the Creatures right now.  Then the mask will stay hidden and there's no chance of Umarak stealing a Creature to find its location.  Then we can stay here and use our powers to help rebuild their utopian society and we never have to hear from Makuta again.
 
Ketar: :glare:

Pohatu: Fine, we'll do it your way.
 
Tahu: Then we should go.
 
Onua: We will make better time if we've had some rest.
 
Tahu: We need to save the island, you want a nap?
 
Onua: No one's slept in Bionicle since like 2004.  Just for once can we have a decently paced story?

Lewa: Onua is right.  We need to rest.  This next bit ain't gonna be easy.  There are things out there.
 
Gali: Did you see something?

Lewa: A big fella with horns like a stag!
 
Ekimu: That is Umarak, the Hunter.  He is an ancient one.  And very, very dangerous.
 
Gali: Or, you know, it could've just been a stag.
 
Ekimu: Ah, stags.  They are ancient ones.  And very, very dangerous... to grass.
 
Lewa: Umarak is dangerous!  Get close to that one, you can feel the evil.
 
Onua: What does evil feel like?

Lewa: Like pop rocks.

Onua: Cool!

Lewa: On your eyes...

Onua: :OMG:
 
Ekimu: You have your Golden Masks, and you have made peace with the Creatures.  You have done well.  Tomorrow, you will begin your search for Makuta's mask, and maybe you can finish this thing.
 
Lewa: Wait, "this thing" as in our quest or "this thing" as in all of Bionicle?

Ekimu: Yes.

Lewa: You know, you're really not helpful.

(Umarak watches the group from a cliff high above.)

Umarak: This has only just begun.

(Cut to black, roll credits.)

Umarak: Or not...


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#19 Offline Wiriamu

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Posted Apr 17 2017 - 05:03 PM

Another excellent installment.
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Voicing your opinions with tact is the best way to keep a discussion from becoming an argument.

So far as I'm aware, it's pronounced like this: We're ee ah moo.
 

Check out my Creations:

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G1 Battle for Spherus Magna - G2 A Lingering Shadow


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Bionicle: Head Games (series) Wiriamu Reviews (Series)


#20 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted May 14 2017 - 11:54 PM

Chapter 6- Episode 2: Trials of the Toa (Part 1)

Onua: All rise! The Court of Okoto is now in session, the Honourable Judge Ekimu presiding.

Director: Uh... not that kind of trial.

Ekimu: But I have the hammer and everything! :(

(In the City of the Mask Makers, Tahu flies through the sky with Ikir on his back.)

Tahu: Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(He swoops past an Earth Okotan, causing them to drop something.)

Earth Okotan: Hey! Tahu flying? What kind of second rate Bionicle revival is this anyway?!

Tahu: 2008! Look it up, loser!

(Ekimu and the Toa watch Tahu's antics.)

Ekimu: Now that you have made peace with your Elemental Creatures, you will be surprised by the power you command when you are unified.

Onua: Yeah, I was surprised. And not in the good way! :mad:

Ekimu: What? Why?

Onua: Look, pal. I know this new Bionicle is a bit light on lore, but this Unity stuff makes no sense. So I'm on Bionicle.com, and it says that the different Creatures grant different powers -- but the powers make no sense!

Nikila: Wow, powers that make no sense, eh? Must be awful. :glare:

Onua: So Uxar and Ketar both give the user speed!

Ekimu: Aha, yes. Well you see one is attacking speed and the other is flying speed. :)

Onua: Okay, then why do Melum and Ikir both give courage?

Director: Ah, yes. Well you see one is SHUT UP and the other is STOP POINTING OUT THESE STUPID THINGS!

Onua: :(

(Tahu continues to fly with Ikir, which also isn't mentioned in the Bionicle.com bios!)

Gali: Tahu's sure enjoying it.

Ekimu: A bit too much, I think. You have important things to do.

Onua: May I?

Ekimu: Please.

(Onua and Terak unite, allowing them to raise a pillar of earth into Tahu's flight path.)

Tahu: Oh no! A very avoidable pillar of earth! I'm going to spend 5 whole seconds crashing into it!

(The pillar splits in half and Tahu drops to the ground.)

Tahu: Okay, I get it. Enough fooling around. And maybe next time HOW ABOUT YOU TRY ASKING ME AT LEAST ONCE BEFORE TRYING TO MURDER ME!

Onua: Well...

(Flashback to 2000...)

Tahu: Onua? Pohatu? What are you guys doing drinking milk? Don't you know that stuff is a scam? And what's with that great posture? Everyone knows your back grows better if you're constantly slouching.

Onua: Wow, Tahu! Thanks for the advice!

Tahu: Well, see you next year when Bionicle starts.

(Flash to the present.)

Onua: :mad:

Tahu: Yeesh, what's with Quasimodo?
 
(The Toa, the Creatures, and Ekimu walk through the city.)
 
Ekimu: While my brother Makuta sleeps, his power grows.
 
Kopaka: What power's that?  Snoring? :lol:
 
Director: Actually, Makuta has this wonderful power when he sleeps called SHUTTING UP.
 
Kopaka: :(
 
Ekimu: He once wore the Mask of Control, and he will stop at nothing to find it.
 
Gali: So what exactly does the Mask of Control do anyway?
 
Ekimu: Well, when combined with the Masks of Alt and Delete, it can... uh... Look, I don't know.  The writers don't seem to have thought that far ahead.
 
Kopaka: Do we know where it is?
 
Ekimu: You said you had visions of a labyrinth.
 
Kopaka: Yeah, that wasn't a good movie.
 
Ekimu: You haven't even seen it, have you?
 
Kopaka: No. :(
 
Ekimu: The Creatures must know its location.
 
Gali: Why not just leave the masks in the maze?  Seems like it would save us a whole episode world of unnecessary hassle.
 
Ekimu: Makuta's spirit is far stronger than I imagined.  You've got to find the mask and bring it to me.  Then, I will destroy it.
 
Gali: So wait, does it work like the One Ring?  You didn't really answer my question there.  How hard is it to explain what the magic mask does?!
 
Nikila: :glare: Oh, you'd be surprised...
 
(The Creatures make their way out of the city.)
 
Onua: I think that's our signal.
 
Tahu: We'll find the mask.
 
Ekimu: You must.
 
Tahu: And sell it.
 
Ekimu: You must not.
 
Tahu: Oh come on, it's got to be worth at least five bucks on eBay!
 
Ekimu: If you wait a few years, it could be worth more.
 
Tahu: Ooh, good thinking! :D
 
(Umarak watches them from above, next to Makuta's shadows.)
 
Makuta: You know what you must do.
 
Umarak: Of course, but uh... maybe you'd better explain it again in case anyone else forgot.
 
Makuta: We're the only ones here.
 
Umarak: Uhhh... the Toa will lead me to the mask?  Was that it?
 
Makuta: If the mask is to be yours, you must control a creature of the elements.
 
Umarak: Then I will take one from the Toa!
 
Makuta: I was going to suggest going to the Elemental Creature Pet Store, but okay, we can do it your way.
 
Umarak: Wait, what was that about a --
 
Makuta: Do not underestimate their power, Umarak!  You are cunning, but they are strong.
 
Umarak: Then I will challenge them and find the weakest link.  And then I will say goodbye to the weakest link, like in that TV show from the early 2000s.
 
Makuta: Do what you will, but do not fail.
 
Nidhiki: As is our duty, we shall not fail.
 
Umarak: Get out of here!  Stop reminding people that I'm basically just a ripoff of you!
 
(The Toa reach the edge of a cliff, looking out towards a massive jungle.)
 
Tahu: The Region of Losers.  Looks like Lewa is gonna be leading the way.
 
Lewa: I'm thinkin' no one leads but the creatures.
 
Tahu: And you wonder why we call it the Region of Losers...
 
Lewa: You've seen the vision.  Where we're going ain't Jungle, but beyond it.
 
Tahu: Okay, fine. :mad: Spit right in the face of my opportunity for you to lead.  We made such a big deal about it in 2015 and now you want us to follow a fish, a bug, a bird, a scorpion, and whatever the other two are supposed to be.
 
Terak: I'm a mole... I think.
 
Melum: And I'm probably a last minute realization that they needed to design six creatures...
 
(The Creatures suddenly appear agitated.)
 
Tahu: What's going on?
 
Gali: Something's got them spooked.
 
Tahu: To be honest, I'm kind of spooked by how that fish is just flying around and no one's bothered by this.
 
Akida: Duh, ever heard of a flying fish?
 
Tahu: THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT IS!
 
(Tahu is hit in the chest by a glowing red dart.  He pulls it out and examines it.)
 
Tahu: What is that?  ... And how am I not dead?  That went in like 3 inches!  Am I an attractive vampire who is the object of the daydreams of young girls?
 
Kopaka: A vampire?  Well I wouldn't exactly call you attractive, but you do definitely suck. :lol:
 
Tahu: :burnmad:
 
(Tahu throws the dart down and it transforms into a Fire Shadow Trap that latches onto Akir.)
 
Tahu: Wow, really glad that didn't go off in my chest...
 
Gali: He's using the elements against us!
 
Tahu: What are you talking about?  He's obviously shooting Shadow Traps at us.  And the audience can see that!  Why are you giving false explanations of things that are really obvious?
 
Gali: Oh, I was just hoping to say a line that would make it into the trailer.  How about these: Sorry Umarak, looks like you're all washed up!  Or how about, water you doing here?  Or my personal favourite, soak nice to see you!
 
Tahu: You are literally the worst.
 
(Umarak fires a few more shots at them from the clifftop above.  Akida fires back, causing Umarak to retaliate.  Gali rushes in to rescue her Creature.)
 
Gali: No!  I need someone to appreciate my puns!
 
Akida: WHY DO YOU THINK I WAS TRYING TO GET CAPTURED?! :crying:
 
(Ikir and Tahu unite.  They leap into the air and shoot a fireball at Umarak, who disappears and then reappears behind them, firing several more shots at them, causing rocks to fall from the nearby cliffs.)
 
Gali: More traps!
 
Tahu: STOP LYING TO THE VIEWERS!
 
(Pohatu and Ketar go their separate ways.  Onua steps in to rescue Ketar.)
 
Umarak: Just as I suspected...
 
Shadow Trap: What?  That Pohatu's dislike of scorpions is a weak link that you can exploit to --
 
Umarak: No, no.  Don't you see?  Onua picked up Ketar.  Obviously Earth and Stone are the same element!  I knew it all along... Wait, 'til I post this online and make a lot of people very angry.
 
Lewa: It's the Hunter!  Watch the shadows.
 
Pohatu: The shadows?
 
Lewa: That's how he moves.
 
Pohatu: Just like Shadow Stealer from Generation 1... only not a hideous freak... and actually appears in the storyline.
 
Kopaka: Up there!
 
(He shoots a stream of ice at Umarak, who dodges and fires 3 bolts that summon the Shadow Spawn.  The Shadow Spawn surround the Toa and wait.  Ketar runs over to Pohatu.)
 
Pohatu: No, spread out.  We can do more.
 
Ketar: I'm a magic scorpion whose only power is to throw rocks at people.  I think you might be overestimating my usefulness here.
 
(The Shadow Spawn tackles Pohatu, who kicks it up towards Umarak.)
 
Umarak: Still he resists.  I have seen enough.
 
Tahu: We'll give 'em everything we've got.  On three!  One!  Two!
 
(The Shadow Spawn vanish and Umarak walks away.)
 
Kopaka: Three?  Guess he had enough.
 
Tahu: Wow, close one.  If he had stayed any longer, they would've realized I don't know how to count to three...
 
Lewa: No.  The Hunter doesn't run.
 
Pohatu: Then what do you call that?
 
Lewa: Planning, I think.  He's crafty.
 
Umarak: Okay, all I need it a few more Popsicle sticks and some glitter glue and I'm going to have the best birdhouse in the neighbourhood.
 
Gali: Well, it's over.  That's what matters.  Come on.
 
(The Creatures run off and the Toa follow.)
 
Umarak: Yes, lead me to Makuta's mask.
 
Lewa: What about your birdhouse?
 
Umarak: It needs to dry.  Then I can add the sequins.
 
Lewa: You're a weird villain.
 
Umarak: THEY ARE EVIL SEQUINS!
 
Lewa: You're still weird.


Edited by SPIRIT, Jul 10 2017 - 04:50 PM.

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#21 Offline VakamaMetruNui

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Posted May 18 2017 - 09:57 AM

I remember reading your original spoofs like it was yesterday back in 2005. I always loved your spoofs and this one is your best. Keep it up, I can't wait to read the next chapter.


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#22 Offline Wiriamu

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Posted May 18 2017 - 01:21 PM

Ekimu: You said you had visions of a labyrinth.
 
Kopaka: Yeah, that wasn't a good movie.
 
Ekimu: You haven't even seen it, have you?
 
Kopaka: No. :(
 
...
 
Makuta: Do what you will, but do not fail.
 
Nidhiki: As is our duty, we shall not fail.
 
Umarak: Get out of here!  Stop reminding people that I'm basically just a ripoff of you!

 

Well you remind of the bug.

 

What bug?

 

The bug with the power.

 

What power?

 

The power of web spit.

 

Who did?

 

You did?

 

What?

 

Remind me of the bug.


  • 1

Voicing your opinions with tact is the best way to keep a discussion from becoming an argument.

So far as I'm aware, it's pronounced like this: We're ee ah moo.
 

Check out my Creations:

Epics

G1 Battle for Spherus Magna - G2 A Lingering Shadow


Short Stories

G1 Fallen Guardian - G2 Shadows of Past and Future (The Legend Continues Entry) Head of Stone, Heart of Jungle


MOCs

Mask Hoarder, Desert Scourge


Videos

Bionicle: Head Games (series) Wiriamu Reviews (Series)


#23 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Jul 17 2017 - 12:15 AM

Chapter 7- Episode 2: Trials of the Toa (Part 2)

(The Creatures lead the Toa to a cliff at the edge of the island.)
 
Pohatu: Why bring us all the way up here?
 
Gali: That's why!
 
(She points to an island in the distance.)
 
Pohatu: Wow, we're going to Voya Nui already?
 
Gali: It's obviously not Voya Nui. :glare:
 
Pohatu: Gang's on the loose, nothing you can do!
 
Gali: You are the worst sort of person.
 
Lewa: I know that place.
 
Kopaka: You've been there?
 
Pohatu: Duh, we all have!  Remember when Brutaka captured us?
 
Gali: IT'S NOT VOYA NUI!
 
Lewa: I've had visions.
 
(Lewa dashes off towards the island.)
 
Tahu: So, are we just going to ignore that?  I mean, that's a pretty serious mental health concern, right?
 
(The other Toa and Creatures dash off after Lewa.)
 
Tahu: I... okay, fine.  Let's just let someone with the power to make trees kill us all have unchecked psychotic breaks.  What could go wrong?
 
(The Toa all race towards the island.)
 
Onua: Coming through!
 
(He knocks over a tree.)
 
Lewa: Whoa, hey!  This is an optional race!  You don't have to destroy the ecosystem to win!  How would you like it if I just started beating up your element?
 
Onua: Sure, go for it.
 
(Lewa kicks a patch of dirt.)
 
Onua: :crying: OKAY, STOP!  ANYTHING BUT MY PRECIOUS EARTH.
 
Lewa: Yeah, that's what I thought.
 
(Tahu jumps through a bush and the other Creatures and Toa join him.)
 
Tahu: Ha ha!  I win!
 
Gali: Oh, were you racing?
 
Onua: Because if you were, you lost.
 
Tahu: Are you kidding?  I beat all of you!
 
Onua: When you're done arguing, take a look at that, out there.
 
Lewa: How did you win anyway?  I had a pretty big head start and I had home field advantage.
 
Tahu: Well ya got me, by all accounts it doesn't make sense.
 
(The Toa direct their attention to the island.)
 
Tahu: There's something on that island.
 
Pohatu: The Mask of Life?
 
Gali: :glare: No.
 
Onua: It looks like a crater.
 
Pohatu: Mount Valmai, perhaps?
 
Gali: If you mention Voya Nui one more time, I will actually drown you.
 
Kopaka: That must be where we're going.
 
Pohatu: Why am I not surprised?
 
Tahu: Because we literally just did this?  What was the point of the last scene if we're just doing it again a little bit closer?
 
Kopaka: Hey, anyone else notice that giant head sticking out of the beach?
 
Pohatu: YOU MANIACS!  YOU BLEW IT UP!  CURSE YOU!  MATA NUI CURSE YOU ALL TO KARZAHNI!
 
Gali: While not technically Voya Nui, Karzahni does appear in the 2006 storyline a few times.  IT'S DROWNIN' TIME!
 
Pohatu: :cry:
 
(The Creatures start to chatter and skitter about.)
 
Pohatu: What's with them?
 
Lewa: Now they want to race.
 
Kopaka: You mean unified?
 
Tahu: You mean we're repeating the race scene too?!
 
Kopaka: I think that's just for emergencies.
 
Gali: You afraid you'll get in trouble?
 
Kopaka: Hey, don't mess with the Unity police.  They'll make you work together and talk about the importance of friendship!
 
Tahu: It'll be good practice.
 
Lewa: Yeah!  I need some practice beating you!
 
Tahu: ... in that you are currently unable to???
 
Lewa: Last one to the island's got a big tin mask!
 
Tahu: Maybe he should practice talking smack, first...
 
(Lewa and Uxar unite and fly off to the island.)
 
Tahu: Ha ha ha ha ha!  Okay! ... Weird, this script has me do a lot of laughing... And I'm wearing red.  Am... am I Santa?
 
Gali: Let's go!
 
(Gali jumps off the cliff with her Creature. She dives in the water and surface, speeding through the water.)
 
Gali: Yeah!
 
(Kopaka races after her, freezing the ocean beneath him as he speeds towards the island.  He traps Gali in ice as he speeds past her.)
 
Kopaka: See you!
 
Gali: Ice... is... still... water!
 
(She smashes the ice around her back at Kopaka, knocking him towards Lewa.  Kopaka grabs Lewa's leg before he can hit the water.)
 
Kopaka: Um, excuse me?  Since when can you turn ice into water?  What is this?  Avatar?!
 
Gali: Well I am blue...
 
Kopaka: The other Avatar. :glare:
 
(Lewa notices Kopaka hanging on.)
 
Lewa: Hey!
 
Kopaka: Mind if I hitch a ride?
 
Lewa: Sure, but no checked baggage please. :lol:
 
Kopaka: That's alright, I'll just put it in the overhead compartment.
 
Lewa: :bigeek:  ...... that was not a compartment.
 
(Ketar hisses at Pohatu.)
 
Pohatu: My feelings exactly.  See you on the other side.
 
(Pohatu uses his power to skip a stone across the water as he rides it.)
 
Ketar: :( Doesn't he know that hissing is how scorpions say "I love you?"
 
Onua: Wow, really?
 
Ketar: :lol: Ha, no.  I was just going to take the opportunity to kill him when everyone was distracted.
 
Onua: Well why didn't you say so?  Then I can control both Earth and Stone!  Come on!
 
(He creates a bridge of earth to the island and beckons Ketar to follow.  Meanwhile, Gali begins to surf, but Kopaka drops down on her, freezing her wave and skating off.)
 
Gali: My wave!
 
Kopaka: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
 
Gali: That's the one liner you're going with?  How about "wave goodbye"?  You see, it's got two meanings because--
 
Kopaka: Wave goodbye!
 
Gali: :glare:
 
(Pohatu skips along on his stone, knocking Kopaka into the water.)
 
Pohatu: Wipeout!
 
Kopaka: No, you're supposed to say "wave goodbye".
 
Gali: :glare:
 
(Up ahead, Lewa causes what the descriptive audio calls "vines" but it quite obviously seaweed to grow tall to ensnare Tahu, but Tahu slices through it with fire because OF COURSE HE DID WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN, LEWA?!  Anyway, somehow even though Tahu and Lewa were clearly in the lead, Kopaka and Gali make it to the beach first, followed by Lewa, Pohatu, and lastly Tahu.)
 
Tahu: Man, for all the races in this episode, it's really weird how inconsistent they are.  Like did they even do any animation continuity in this part?
 
Director: Uh... deleted scenes?
 
Tahu: Oh please, since when have the Bionicle movies left out crucial storyline information?
 
(Onua is last to arrive on his bridge of earth.)
 
Tahu: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!  Looks like you lose.
 
Onua: Maybe, but look what I found.

 

Kopaka: Is it the plot?  Because I don't think we've had very much of that this episode...

 

(Onua gestures to Ketar.  Everyone looks at Pohatu.)

 

Gali: You left him behind?

 

Pohatu: No, we just took different paths.

 

Ketar: Honestly guys, I'm not complaining.  Pohatu crossed the sea on a rock.  I do not regret going the sensible way.

 

Lewa: Well get over it.  We're gonna need you both together.

 

Gali: Hey, weren't you doing a weird speech thing in the last part?

 

Lewa: Uh... windfly sandtwister?

 

Gali: Yeah, no.

 

Pohatu: Don't worry, if you need him and me to... "do that thing", we will.  But I'm not going to carry a scorpion on my back just 'cause you guys wanna play some little game.

 

Director: Pohatu is the most rational character in this show?  Did I pick up the wrong script???

 

Kopaka: As long as you're there when we need you.

 

Pohatu: Well do you need me right now?

 

Kopaka: Well, no, but --

 

Pohatu: k bye

 

Kopaka: :glare:

 

Tahu: Okay, let's go find this mask!

 

(The Toa leave the beach and walk up the crater, totally ignoring the giant statue of Pohatu's head.  They gaze upon the crater.)

 

Lewa: Wow, look at that!

 

Kopaka: Yeah, this is one big crater.

 

Onua: No, that.

 

(He points to a giant maze that takes up most of the crater.)

 

Lewa: How did you possibly miss that?  Of course I was talking about the giant maze!

Kopaka: Look, Lesovikk.  In this generation I just have the Mask of Ice.  I don't have the vision powers I did in Generation 1.

 

Lewa: Well I didn't see that coming.

 

Pohatu: Hold on.  Is that where we're going?

 

Kopaka: Sure.  It's where they hid Makuta's mask.

 

Pohatu: No, I mean.  Wasn't a big maze part of the storyline that killed Bionicle the last time?

 

Kopaka: Yeah, but what are the chances of that happening again? :lol:

 

(Everyone leaps down into the crater and they come to an entrance to the labyrinth.  Which is amazingly coincidental since that thing takes up like the whole island, and also COMPLETELY INSANE BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL ABLE TO FLY IN LITERALLY THE LAST SCENE.  WHY DIDN'T THEY SPEND TIME EXPLAINING WHY THEY CAN'T CHEAT THE LABYRINTH INSTEAD OF DOING TWO RACE SEQUENCES?!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)

 

Gali: This is unbelievable.

 

(I KNOW!)

 

Director: Okay people, let's patch up the fourth wall a bit and continue the scene.

 

Kopaka: Who made this?

 

Lewa: I don't know, but look at this writing.

 

Pohatu: Does it say how to get in?

 

Lewa: You know, I think it does.  But how do I know that?

 

Pohatu: I... what?  IT'S CALLED READING!

 

Gali: There's so much we don't know about our past.

 

Pohatu: LIKE WHAT READING IS?!

 

Gali: Maybe whoever built this maze has something to do with us.

 

Onua: Or we have something to do with them.

 

Gali: Shut up, Onua.  That's exactly what I just said.

 

(Lewa reads the inscription.)

 

Lewa: Toa, challenges, Toa touch... Someone touch the door!

 

Tahu: Why don't you touch the door?  You're like a millimetre away from doing so anyway!

 

Lewa: But it's so far!  Can't you do it?

 

Tahu: You're the worst.

 

(Tahu puts his hand on the door, and it starts to glow and then opens.)

 

Kopaka: Let the Creatures lead, they've been here before.

 

Pohatu: Right!  They know where we're going!

 

Mellum: Um yeah, but we were last here like thousands of years ago.  Why would you assume we'd remember an impenetrable maze after all this time?

 

Kopaka: Shut up, Nuju.  I just watched Indiana Jones last night.  If you think I'm going first, you're nuts.

 

(The Toa turn to the Creatures, but they back away.)

 

Onua: I think they want us to go first.

 

(Tahu steps forward.)

 

Lewa: Be my guest.

 

Tahu: If you break into song, I will barbecue you.

 

(The Toa and the Creatures enter and the door slams shut behind them.)

 

Gali: It's beautiful.

 

Pohatu: What?  It's just a maze.

 

Gali: It's a-maze-ing!

 

Pohatu: Tahu, can we barbecue her instead?

 

(The Toa notice light shining into a doorway.)

 

Tahu: The light!  All we have to do is follow it!

 

(The Toa run into the next room only to be confronted by giant sliding cubes.)

 

Gali: The walls are moving!

 

Lewa: Oh my gosh... we're in a Zelda game!  AND I'M WEARING THE PERFECT OUTFIT!

 

Kopaka: Hold on!

 

Tahu: To what?  The moving walls?

 

Kopaka: Obviously, Lhikan.  They're like those moving sidewalks in airports.

 

Tahu: What kind of airports do you go to?! :blink:

 

Pohatu: Now what?

Tahu: Look out!

 

Kopaka: Oh, it's stopping!

 

Pohatu: Finally!

 

(The Toa race across a bridge formed by the blocks.)

 

Lewa: Wait, guys!  You have to use the Pegasus Boots!

 

(At the end of the bridge, two large blocks start to close together.)

 

Lewa: It's closing up.  Run!

 

(Onua holds the two blocks apart as the other Toa run through.  Pohatu and Ketar are the last ones there.)

 

Pohatu: Let me help.

 

Onua: No, go.  You'll need to pull me out.  On three.  One, two...

 

(Pohatu pulls him out and they both crash heavily into the wall.  Onua looks at Pohatu.)

 

Pohatu: What?  I didn't feel like waiting.

 

Onua: :glare:

 

Pohatu: Also I wasn't really sure where 3 was in the alphabet anyway.


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#24 Offline Master Inika

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Posted Jul 17 2017 - 03:09 PM

Good to see this getting updated again. I liked the episode, it's just great. The Voya Nui bits were so true.
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"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
"
-- Turaga Nokama
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#25 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Jul 19 2017 - 04:38 AM

I've read the last couple of episodes. Even though I still haven't seen The Journey to One, I'm still really enjoying this. (And this really makes me want to watch the show to see if it has that many plot holes in it. :P)


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Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.

 

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