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The Jazziest JtO Spoof

spoof parody movie Journey to One Director

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42 replies to this topic

#41 Offline SPIRIT

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Posted Jan 28 2018 - 01:17 AM

Chapter 12- Episode 4: The Dark Portal (Part 1)

(The Toa walk through a rainy valley of stones. Pohatu kneels to the ground to examine a set of footprints.)

Pohatu: There, I knew it. This is where Umarak entered the Region of Stone.

Ekimu: Good, we need to reach the crater before he can open the portal.

Pohatu: And we've got a long way to go.

Tahu: Wait, if we already know where Umarak is going, why are we wasting time tracking him? Surely we should just go to the GIANT, IMPOSSIBLE TO MISS CRATER INSTEAD OF WASTING TIME TALKING ABOUT WHAT THE AUDIENCE ALREADY KNOWS.

Gali: Hey now, this is a serial Netflix series. What if the audience forgot what happened?

Tahu: Both these episodes were released on the same day. WHAT WAS THERE TO FORGET?!

Gali: Well, Tahu, unlike you some people have better things to do than watch Netflix all day long.

Tahu: ........ :mellow: I'll just shut up now.

Lewa: If Makuta had to open a door to another world, why couldn't he do it someplace nice, like the jungle?

Ekimu: :glare: Oh, I'm sorry you don't think the former site of the greatest city in our culture is "someplace nice".

Lewa: I'll just shut up now.

Ekimu: Makuta doesn't have the power to open the door to the Shadow Realm.

Kopaka: Right, because first he needs to get the Seven Millennium--

Ekimu: :glare: It was the Forbidden Mask.

Pohatu: Hold on, are we giving up on calling it the "Mask of Ultimate Power"? Because "the Forbidden Mask" is only slightly better.

Ekimu: Actually, its full name is the Forbidden Mask of Ultimate Power.


Kopaka: So you destroyed the mask.

Ekimu: It destroyed itself. The merged elements cannot remain as one, and when they split apart...

Onua: It tears a hole between our worlds.

Gali: So Umarak can't release Makuta.

Ekimu: Unless he's found pieces of the Forbidden Mask.

Lewa: Which you know he has.

Tahu: So, what do you say we pick up the pace?

(The Toa run off through the rain.)

Tahu: By the way, thanks for wasting a whole two minutes of my life recapping everything we already knew... and then acknowledging that we already knew the stuff we already knew. I think the audience's hands are getting sweaty for how much we've been holding them through this story.

Director: Look, everyone was always complaining that the movies didn't make sense. Now you're complaining that they're too easy to follow? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!


(Agil perches atop a stone spire and Pohatu stops the group in front of him.)

Pohatu: Whoa!

Tahu: Why are you stopping?

Pohatu: I think he wanted me to wait.

Ekimu: Agil!

(Agil flies down to Ekimu and lands on his arm.)

Ekimu: He wanted to make sure we were together.

Pohatu: But... we've been together this entire episode... WHAT'S THE POINT OF THIS SCENE?! It's almost like they're padding things out in this episode for some strange reason... Well, I'm sure that just means Bionicle Generation 2 will have a long and healthy lifespan. :)

Director: Okay, you just keep believing that.

Lewa: So are we there?

Pohatu: We are. Look.

(He points at a giant mountain of purple crystal with a purple beam of energy at its peak.)

Lewa: Wow, how did I miss that? Does Gen 2 Lewa have incredibly poor eyesight? Is this a new depth to my character?

Pohatu: No, I think you're just stupid.

Lewa: :(

(The Toa all gaze at the mountain.)

Tahu: That looks bad.

Lewa: You can say that again!

Tahu: Oh great, now Lewa's going deaf too!

Ekimu: It is sad how evil my brother has become.

Gali: I thought Makuta was always evil.

Ekimu: No, he was jealous and ambitious. But I suppose that is where evil begins... with ambition.

Kopaka: Remember kids, don't have any ambitions! It means you're evil!

Ekimu: Hey, how about you let me tell my story first? How about that? :glare:

Tahu: Oh good, the story that we already had at the beginning of the show... and a million times in 2015. This is such a great use of the final episode of this series.

Gali: Hey guys, did you know that I'm actually the star of this episode?

Ekimu: Hey cram it, Gali, and let me tell Makuta's origin story for the billionth time.

(The scene fades to Ekimu as a Protector, gazing out over a vibrant city. Present day Ekimu narrates the tale.)

Ekimu: The masks we made shaped the lives of those who wore them, but I never realized how badly my brother longed to outshine me. So Makuta broke our most fundamental laws--

Kopaka: And didn't file his taxes on time!

Ekimu: No. Why would that possibly be what I'm talking about?

Kopaka: Hey man, taxes are an important part of any civilized society. With taxes you can--

Ekimu: Okay, anyway. He merged the elements into masks.

(In the flashback, Ekimu walks in on Makuta forging and red and green mask.)

Makuta: I call it... the Mask of Christmas!

Ekimu: What does it do?

Makuta: It encourages people to spend more on gifts, allowing us to use the sales tax we collect to revitalize infrastructure!

Kopaka: I told you taxes were important!

Ekimu: Okay stop, we already didn't like you before. Making "likes taxes" your defining character trait really doesn't help you here.

Kopaka: :( But they help redistribute the wealth.

Ekimu: ANYWAY. Makuta hoped by making miracles, Okoto would see that he was more than just a simple mask maker.

(Makuta gives a purple and blue mask to a villager who is canonically known as "the groundskeeper".)

Bingzak: Haha! You don't get a real name!

Groundskeeper: Well at least my name isn't Bingzak! :lol:

Bingzak: :(

(Using the power of the combined mask, the groundskeeper causes those weird giant raspberries from an earlier episode to grow on some bushes.)

Ekimu: But combining even two elements in a single mask brought disaster.

(The groundskeeper puts on the red and green mask, but the bush catches on fire. He quickly takes off the mask and gives it back to Makuta.)

Gali: Hmm, kinda seems like just using the mask that grows more food would've been fine. What was evil about that?

Ekimu: And wreck the economy by having affordable food for all? Are you nuts?!

Gali: But wouldn't that solve world hunger?

Ekimu: Exactly! See? Makuta was totally evil!

(Makuta returns to his forge and pours molten metal into the cast for a new mask.)

Ekimu: So hungry was my brother for power that he merged all the elements into one forbidden mask. He took his new mask to the capital. Makuta hoped the power of his new mask would allow him to rule the planet like a god.

Tahu: Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Bionicle has gods now?  The internet is not going to like this one.
Ekimu: I said he would be like a god, which may or may not indicate that there are gods in our system of beliefs.  I think that's ambiguous enough to keep the internet happy.
Tahu: :rolleyes: You clearly don't know the internet.
(Makuta stands in front of a massive crowd holding the Forbidden Mask of Ultimate Power.)
Ekimu: But I knew it would not be so.  Prophecy had foretold it all.
Pohatu: So there was a prophecy that Makuta would make a dangerous mask and cause a rift in space-time that would transport the capital city to a parallel universe?
Ekimu: Yeah, for obvious reasons we usually ignored those prophecies...
Pohatu: Fair point.  What other sorts of unbelievable prophecies were out there?
Ekimu: Well, they also foretold the plot of The Last Jedi.  That was pretty unbelievable.
Pohatu: This is a weird island.
(Ekimu runs towards Makuta as he puts on the mask.)
Ekimu: If my brother had been pure of heart, the power might have affected him differently.
Onua: What does the mask do if a good person wears it?
Ekimu: Cures heartburn.
Onua: Honestly, given the direction mask powers have been going since 2007, that doesn't really surprise me in the slightest.
(The mask transforms Makuta into a giant.)
Ekimu: But the mask's powerful alchemy turned my brother's envy and bitterness into pure evil.  I did what I had to do.
(Using his hammer, Ekimu smashes the mask off of Makuta's face.)
Ekimu: The power of the mask tore a hole between our world and the Shadow Realm.
(The mask explodes, sending shockwaves across the city.)
Ekimu: The city was drawn into that world and so was my brother.
(The city disappears, leaving behind the Black Crater.)
Ekimu: Then it was gone and our world was as you found it, as it is now.
Lewa: So wait, how did you just end up in a coma?  And why didn't you die after all that time?  You've just retold the same story we already knew with no real explanations of anything.
Ekimu: That, Lewa, is the power of eating your vegetables.
Lewa: ... I'm beginning to think your story is made up.
(The flashback ends and the Toa stand around Ekimu in the train.)
Ekimu: What is saddest of all is that it was all foretold in prophecy, from my brother's beginnings to our standing here.
Pohatu: You know how this is going to end?  ... Also, the prophecy specifically talks about you standing around and explaining your backstory to us?  What a lame prophecy!
Ekimu: I know what is written.  Whether it will come to pass depends on you.
Pohatu: So wait, someone wrote down the whole story of Bionicle Generation 2 and it exists in-universe?  WHY WERE WE TRYING TO SOLVE MYSTERIES ALL THIS TIME IF YOU ALREADY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS?
Ekimu: I uh... Oh boy, we'd better go stop Umarak!
(Ekimu runs off and the Toa follow him.  The group stops as they see Umarak.)
Kopaka: There he is!
Tahu: Yeah, no duh!  He's neon yellow on a purple background.  How could we possibly miss him?
Kopaka: I just wanted to be useful for a change.
Tahu: Yeah, me too. :(
(Umarak holds out his clawed hands and purple spires of crystal emerge from the ground.)
Lewa: He's huge.  Are those...?
Ekimu: Pieces of the Forbidden Mask, yes.
Onua: Then why hasn't he opened the portal yet?
Pohatu: The mask has been dormant for a thousand years.  The pieces will need time.
Onua: Hey, you can't just make up lore like that!  Also hasn't the mask been dormant for thousands of years?
Pohatu: What do I know?  I'm just making it up! :lol:
Onua: I guess I walked into that one.
Tahu: If we can sneak up on him, this should be easy.
Lewa: It's never easy!  Why does anyone even say that?
Tahu: We have the element of surprise on our side.  All we have to do --
(Umarak jumps out next to them.)
Umarak: Toa!
Lewa: Surprise.
Tahu: Very funny.
(The Toa run off.)
Tahu: How did he sneak up on us?  He's like ten feet tall.  Do we all just have really poor eyesight?
Pohatu: :mellow: Guys, I think we're ALL just really stupid.
Director: Ding ding ding!  Tell him what's he's won, Johnny!
(Umarak raises his claws, drawing up pillars of elements from the ground.)

Umarak: Beasts of all the elements, rise!
(Elemental Beasts appear around Umarak and begin to march towards the Toa.)
Onua: Okay, we've done this before.
Gali: We've fought creatures with elemental powers that are defeated by destroying their masks?  I don't know, that sounds like a pretty original concept...
(Ekimu attacks a Storm Beast only to be knocked down and rescued by Agil and Kopaka.)
Onua: Kopaka!  Help!
Kopaka: At last!  I finally get my chance to shine in this series!  I'm sure no one else will show me up in the next 30 seconds.
(The Toa work together to fight the Beasts as Umarak makes his escape.  Gali notices him running away.)
Gali: We gotta go!
Onua: Easy for you to say.
(The Toa continue struggle against the Elemental Beasts.)
Pohatu: ENOUGH!
(Pohatu leaps up to a rocky outcropping overlooking the battle.)
Pohatu: I am Toa Pohatu, Uniter of Stone!  Look around you!  This is my house!
(A cyclone surrounds Pohatu as he starts to petrify.  Then he punches the ground and destroys all the Beasts in one single strike.)
Tahu: Why didn't you do that right away?
Pohatu: I wasn't mad enough.
Tahu: I thought you were always mad.
Director: ... did we just do a canon meme... IN BIONICLE?!??
Tahu: I didn't meme to! :lol:
(Lewa points to a gap in the cliffs.)
Lewa: Ah, look.  Pohatu made us a path.  How thoughtful.
Pohatu: Yeah, right.
Tahu: As long as we can call on the elements, we can beat this guy.
Lewa: Just don't tell me it'll be easy.
Tahu: What if I told you it'll be a piece of cake?  Or easy as pie?
Director: :burnmad: PIE?!??!
Tahu: Uh oh.

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#42 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Jan 28 2018 - 01:36 AM

And in this chapter, the Toa face their greatest challenge: pleasing the Internet. :P

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Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.



#43 Offline Master Inika

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Posted Jan 28 2018 - 09:10 PM

There are always too many jokes for me to cite as my favorite joke. The taxes, pointing out the redundancy of G2's storytelling, what a dumb name the Mask of Ultimate Power has, all of it was brilliant. Can't wait for the conclusion.

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"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
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