The Jazziest JtO Spoof

[SPIRIT]

Chapter 12- Episode 4: The Dark Portal (Part 1)

(The Toa walk through a rainy valley of stones. Pohatu kneels to the ground to examine a set of footprints.)

Pohatu: There, I knew it. This is where Umarak entered the Region of Stone.

Ekimu: Good, we need to reach the crater before he can open the portal.

Pohatu: And we've got a long way to go.

Tahu: Wait, if we already know where Umarak is going, why are we wasting time tracking him? Surely we should just go to the GIANT, IMPOSSIBLE TO MISS CRATER INSTEAD OF WASTING TIME TALKING ABOUT WHAT THE AUDIENCE ALREADY KNOWS.

Gali: Hey now, this is a serial Netflix series. What if the audience forgot what happened?

Tahu: Both these episodes were released on the same day. WHAT WAS THERE TO FORGET?!

Gali: Well, Tahu, unlike you some people have better things to do than watch Netflix all day long.

Tahu: ........ I'll just shut up now.

Lewa: If Makuta had to open a door to another world, why couldn't he do it someplace nice, like the jungle?

Ekimu: Oh, I'm sorry you don't think the former site of the greatest city in our culture is "someplace nice".

Lewa: I'll just shut up now.

Ekimu: Makuta doesn't have the power to open the door to the Shadow Realm.

Kopaka: Right, because first he needs to get the Seven Millennium--

Ekimu: It was the Forbidden Mask.

Pohatu: Hold on, are we giving up on calling it the "Mask of Ultimate Power"? Because "the Forbidden Mask" is only slightly better.

Ekimu: Actually, its full name is the Forbidden Mask of Ultimate Power.

Pohatu: HOW DID YOU FIND A WAY TO MAKE ITS NAME WORSE?!

Kopaka: So you destroyed the mask.

Ekimu: It destroyed itself. The merged elements cannot remain as one, and when they split apart...

Onua: It tears a hole between our worlds.

Gali: So Umarak can't release Makuta.

Ekimu: Unless he's found pieces of the Forbidden Mask.

Lewa: Which you know he has.

Tahu: So, what do you say we pick up the pace?

(The Toa run off through the rain.)

Tahu: By the way, thanks for wasting a whole two minutes of my life recapping everything we already knew... and then acknowledging that we already knew the stuff we already knew. I think the audience's hands are getting sweaty for how much we've been holding them through this story.

Director: Look, everyone was always complaining that the movies didn't make sense. Now you're complaining that they're too easy to follow? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

Tahu: I DON'T KNOW! THIS IS THE INTERNET! PEOPLE JUST COMPLAIN ABOUT STUFF!

(Agil perches atop a stone spire and Pohatu stops the group in front of him.)

Pohatu: Whoa!

Tahu: Why are you stopping?

Pohatu: I think he wanted me to wait.

Ekimu: Agil!

(Agil flies down to Ekimu and lands on his arm.)

Ekimu: He wanted to make sure we were together.

Pohatu: But... we've been together this entire episode... WHAT'S THE POINT OF THIS SCENE?! It's almost like they're padding things out in this episode for some strange reason... Well, I'm sure that just means Bionicle Generation 2 will have a long and healthy lifespan.

Director: Okay, you just keep believing that.

Lewa: So are we there?

Pohatu: We are. Look.

(He points at a giant mountain of purple crystal with a purple beam of energy at its peak.)

Lewa: Wow, how did I miss that? Does Gen 2 Lewa have incredibly poor eyesight? Is this a new depth to my character?

Pohatu: No, I think you're just stupid.

Lewa:

(The Toa all gaze at the mountain.)

Tahu: That looks bad.

Lewa: You can say that again!

Tahu: Oh great, now Lewa's going deaf too!

Ekimu: It is sad how evil my brother has become.

Gali: I thought Makuta was always evil.

Ekimu: No, he was jealous and ambitious. But I suppose that is where evil begins... with ambition.

Kopaka: Remember kids, don't have any ambitions! It means you're evil!

Ekimu: Hey, how about you let me tell my story first? How about that?

Tahu: Oh good, the story that we already had at the beginning of the show... and a million times in 2015. This is such a great use of the final episode of this series.

Gali: Hey guys, did you know that I'm actually the star of this episode?

Ekimu: Hey cram it, Gali, and let me tell Makuta's origin story for the billionth time.

(The scene fades to Ekimu as a Protector, gazing out over a vibrant city. Present day Ekimu narrates the tale.)

Ekimu: The masks we made shaped the lives of those who wore them, but I never realized how badly my brother longed to outshine me. So Makuta broke our most fundamental laws--

Kopaka: And didn't file his taxes on time!

Ekimu: No. Why would that possibly be what I'm talking about?

Kopaka: Hey man, taxes are an important part of any civilized society. With taxes you can--

Ekimu: Okay, anyway. He merged the elements into masks.

(In the flashback, Ekimu walks in on Makuta forging and red and green mask.)

Makuta: I call it... the Mask of Christmas!

Ekimu: What does it do?

Makuta: It encourages people to spend more on gifts, allowing us to use the sales tax we collect to revitalize infrastructure!

Kopaka: I told you taxes were important!

Ekimu: Okay stop, we already didn't like you before. Making "likes taxes" your defining character trait really doesn't help you here.

Kopaka: But they help redistribute the wealth.

Ekimu: ANYWAY. Makuta hoped by making miracles, Okoto would see that he was more than just a simple mask maker.

(Makuta gives a purple and blue mask to a villager who is canonically known as "the groundskeeper".)

Bingzak: Haha! You don't get a real name!

Groundskeeper: Well at least my name isn't Bingzak!

Bingzak:

(Using the power of the combined mask, the groundskeeper causes those weird giant raspberries from an earlier episode to grow on some bushes.)

Ekimu: But combining even two elements in a single mask brought disaster.

(The groundskeeper puts on the red and green mask, but the bush catches on fire. He quickly takes off the mask and gives it back to Makuta.)

Gali: Hmm, kinda seems like just using the mask that grows more food would've been fine. What was evil about that?

Ekimu: And wreck the economy by having affordable food for all? Are you nuts?!

Gali: But wouldn't that solve world hunger?

Ekimu: Exactly! See? Makuta was totally evil!

(Makuta returns to his forge and pours molten metal into the cast for a new mask.)

Ekimu: So hungry was my brother for power that he merged all the elements into one forbidden mask. He took his new mask to the capital. Makuta hoped the power of his new mask would allow him to rule the planet like a god.

Tahu: Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Bionicle has gods now?  The internet is not going to like this one.
 
Ekimu: I said he would be like a god, which may or may not indicate that there are gods in our system of beliefs.  I think that's ambiguous enough to keep the internet happy.
 
Tahu: You clearly don't know the internet.
 
(Makuta stands in front of a massive crowd holding the Forbidden Mask of Ultimate Power.)
 
Ekimu: But I knew it would not be so.  Prophecy had foretold it all.
 
Pohatu: So there was a prophecy that Makuta would make a dangerous mask and cause a rift in space-time that would transport the capital city to a parallel universe?
 
Ekimu: Yeah, for obvious reasons we usually ignored those prophecies...
 
Pohatu: Fair point.  What other sorts of unbelievable prophecies were out there?
 
Ekimu: Well, they also foretold the plot of The Last Jedi.  That was pretty unbelievable.
 
Pohatu: This is a weird island.
 
(Ekimu runs towards Makuta as he puts on the mask.)
 
Ekimu: If my brother had been pure of heart, the power might have affected him differently.
 
Onua: What does the mask do if a good person wears it?
 
Ekimu: Cures heartburn.
 
Onua: Honestly, given the direction mask powers have been going since 2007, that doesn't really surprise me in the slightest.
 
(The mask transforms Makuta into a giant.)
 
Ekimu: But the mask's powerful alchemy turned my brother's envy and bitterness into pure evil.  I did what I had to do.
 
(Using his hammer, Ekimu smashes the mask off of Makuta's face.)
 
Ekimu: The power of the mask tore a hole between our world and the Shadow Realm.
 
(The mask explodes, sending shockwaves across the city.)
 
Ekimu: The city was drawn into that world and so was my brother.
 
(The city disappears, leaving behind the Black Crater.)
 
Ekimu: Then it was gone and our world was as you found it, as it is now.
 
Lewa: So wait, how did you just end up in a coma?  And why didn't you die after all that time?  You've just retold the same story we already knew with no real explanations of anything.
 
Ekimu: That, Lewa, is the power of eating your vegetables.
 
Lewa: ... I'm beginning to think your story is made up.
 
(The flashback ends and the Toa stand around Ekimu in the train.)
 
Ekimu: What is saddest of all is that it was all foretold in prophecy, from my brother's beginnings to our standing here.
 
Pohatu: You know how this is going to end?  ... Also, the prophecy specifically talks about you standing around and explaining your backstory to us?  What a lame prophecy!
 
Ekimu: I know what is written.  Whether it will come to pass depends on you.
 
Pohatu: So wait, someone wrote down the whole story of Bionicle Generation 2 and it exists in-universe?  WHY WERE WE TRYING TO SOLVE MYSTERIES ALL THIS TIME IF YOU ALREADY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS?
 
Ekimu: I uh... Oh boy, we'd better go stop Umarak!
 
(Ekimu runs off and the Toa follow him.  The group stops as they see Umarak.)
 
Kopaka: There he is!
 
Tahu: Yeah, no duh!  He's neon yellow on a purple background.  How could we possibly miss him?
 
Kopaka: I just wanted to be useful for a change.
 
Tahu: Yeah, me too.
 
(Umarak holds out his clawed hands and purple spires of crystal emerge from the ground.)
 
Lewa: He's huge.  Are those...?
 
Ekimu: Pieces of the Forbidden Mask, yes.
 
Onua: Then why hasn't he opened the portal yet?
 
Pohatu: The mask has been dormant for a thousand years.  The pieces will need time.
 
Onua: Hey, you can't just make up lore like that!  Also hasn't the mask been dormant for thousands of years?
 
Pohatu: What do I know?  I'm just making it up!
 
Onua: I guess I walked into that one.
 
Tahu: If we can sneak up on him, this should be easy.
 
Lewa: It's never easy!  Why does anyone even say that?
 
Tahu: We have the element of surprise on our side.  All we have to do --
 
(Umarak jumps out next to them.)
 
Umarak: Toa!
 
Lewa: Surprise.
 
Tahu: Very funny.
 
(The Toa run off.)
 
Tahu: How did he sneak up on us?  He's like ten feet tall.  Do we all just have really poor eyesight?
 
Pohatu: Guys, I think we're ALL just really stupid.
 
Director: Ding ding ding!  Tell him what's he's won, Johnny!
 
(Umarak raises his claws, drawing up pillars of elements from the ground.)

Umarak: Beasts of all the elements, rise!
 
(Elemental Beasts appear around Umarak and begin to march towards the Toa.)
 
Onua: Okay, we've done this before.
 
Gali: We've fought creatures with elemental powers that are defeated by destroying their masks?  I don't know, that sounds like a pretty original concept...
 
Onua: THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING WE DO!
 
(Ekimu attacks a Storm Beast only to be knocked down and rescued by Agil and Kopaka.)
 
Onua: Kopaka!  Help!
 
Kopaka: At last!  I finally get my chance to shine in this series!  I'm sure no one else will show me up in the next 30 seconds.
 
(The Toa work together to fight the Beasts as Umarak makes his escape.  Gali notices him running away.)
 
Gali: We gotta go!
 
Onua: Easy for you to say.
 
(The Toa continue struggle against the Elemental Beasts.)
 
Pohatu: ENOUGH!
 
(Pohatu leaps up to a rocky outcropping overlooking the battle.)
 
Pohatu: I am Toa Pohatu, Uniter of Stone!  Look around you!  This is my house!
 
(A cyclone surrounds Pohatu as he starts to petrify.  Then he punches the ground and destroys all the Beasts in one single strike.)
 
Tahu: Why didn't you do that right away?
 
Pohatu: I wasn't mad enough.
 
Tahu: I thought you were always mad.
 
Director: ... did we just do a canon meme... IN BIONICLE?!??
 
Tahu: I didn't meme to!
 
Director: YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST!
 
(Lewa points to a gap in the cliffs.)
 
Lewa: Ah, look.  Pohatu made us a path.  How thoughtful.
 
Pohatu: Yeah, right.
 
Tahu: As long as we can call on the elements, we can beat this guy.
 
Lewa: Just don't tell me it'll be easy.
 
Tahu: What if I told you it'll be a piece of cake?  Or easy as pie?
 
Director: PIE?!??!
 
Tahu: Uh oh.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

And in this chapter, the Toa face their greatest challenge: pleasing the Internet.

[Master Inika]

There are always too many jokes for me to cite as my favorite joke. The taxes, pointing out the redundancy of G2's storytelling, what a dumb name the Mask of Ultimate Power has, all of it was brilliant. Can't wait for the conclusion.

[SPIRIT]

Chapter 13- Episode 4: The Dark Portal (Part 2)

(Umarak is using his powers to lift giant purple crystals out of the ground as the Toa confront him.)
 
Tahu: Umarak!
 
Umarak: It is too late.  It is over!
 
Gali: Are contractions and apostrophes also over?  Because that's a very annoying way to talk.
 
Umarak: I do not know what you are talking about.
 
Lewa: Ser'sly, y'can s'v' s'much tim' talkin' li' thi'
 
Gali: Okay, wow, that's actually 65 million times worse.
 
(Pohatu, disinterested by the finer points of grammar and writing, continues to taunt Umarak.)
 
Pohatu: Wanna bet?
 
(Pohatu attacks Umarak, only to be thrown head-first into a rocky outcropping.)
 
Umarak: Toa of Stone... I can feel your power.
 
Pohatu: Yeah?  Well I don't feel yours! ... Also that's a really creepy thing to say.  You're a weird dude.  I'm going to tell my parent/guardian about this.
 
Umarak: You will, Toa, in time.  You all will!
 
Pohatu: Like, what even is your power now?  Making crystals grow out of the ground?  Turning Shadow Traps into monsters that are actually pretty easily dealt with?  I think your shadow telekinesis-teleportation from before was much more intimidating.  If you have some time to chat to Makuta after all this, maybe present that as constructive criticism?
 
(Umarak charges at Tahu, shooting green fluid from his claws, which Tahu dodges.)
 
Kopaka: Whoa!
 
Tahu: Yeah, seriously, that was weird.  I mean, that stuff clearly isn't acid.  The ground doesn't get burnt or anything.  Did you just shoot boogers at me?  Pohatu, add that to the list of disappointing powers.
 
Pohatu: Way ahead of you.  Okay, now let's see.  Harmless green liquid, inability to use apostrophes...
 
Lewa: He's big, but he's slow. Watch.
 
(Lewa leaps in the air and lands a flying kick on Umarak's shoulder.)
 
Lewa: Gotcha!
 
(Umarak turns to confront him.)
 
Lewa: Uh oh!
 
Ekimu: Pohatu!
 
(Pohatu lifts several large boulders from the earth and smashes Umarak with them.  Lewa is knocked back in the crossfire.)
 
Lewa: Thanks... I think.
 
Kopaka: Ha!  That was easy.
 
Ekimu: I know, that's why I got Pohatu to do it.
 
Pohatu: Hey, no prob-- HEY!
 
Lewa: Easy?  Why does everyone keep saying that?
 
Kopaka: 'Cause it was.  It's over.
 
(It is, in fact, not over, as Umarak leaps out of the pile of boulders and escapes.)
 
Lewa: Wanna bet?
 
Kopaka: I bet you're going to get smacked if you keep sassing me like that.
 
Tahu: Where's Umarak?
 
Gali: Up there.
 
(Umarak leaps up the mountain of purple crystal.)
 
Tahu: That guy is tough.
 
Kopaka: So are we.
 
Tahu: ... are we, though? It literally took all of us to fight some giant spider, and then we only won due to shoddy Okotan bridge-building.
 
Kopaka: Hey, that was a tough fight.  He was like some sort of spider, man.  Who does whatever a spider can.
 
Tahu: Okay, well, the biggest threat he did pose was having a golden mask that let the wearer telepathically control the skull spiders except HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A FACE TO WEAR THE MASK ON.  A FIKOU WOULD'VE POSED MORE OF A THREAT TO US, BECAUSE UNLIKE THE LORD OF SKULL SPIDERS, IT CAN ACTUALLY WEAR A MASK!
 
Kopaka: Are you saying he wasn't strong?  Because listen, bud.  He had radioactive blood!  Look out!  Here comes the spider, man!
 
Tahu: It feels like you're just asking to be set on fire at this point.
 
(Umarak approaches a floating purple crystal enshrouded in purple smoke.)
 
Umarak: Makuta!  I have brought the pieces of your forbidden mask!
 
Makuta: Hey, thanks for wasting the last few hours just stomping around making purple crystals grow from the ground even though you had the mask fragments this whole time.  Very helpful.
 
Umarak: But they're purple!  I was making the mountain look pretty!
 
Makuta: Pohatu was right, you are a weird dude.
 
Umarak: Look, I got you the mask pieces.  Let's just leave it at that.
 
Makuta: And now they will open a door to the Realm of Shadow.
 
Umarak: Isn't it the "Shadow Realm"?  Is it really that hard to keep these things consistent?  Heck, why not call it the "Region of Shadow" so it fits with the theme of everywhere else in the series?
 
Makuta: Look, Mr. Pretty Crystals, you're not exactly in a position to be lecturing me about things making sense!
 
Umarak: Well ya got me there... What must I do?
 
Makuta: Cast them out.
 
(Umarak opens his box and flings the pieces of the mask out.)
 
Makuta: Whoa, hey!  Gently, obviously!  Great, now we have to look for the pieces ALL OVER AGAIN!
 
(Umarak spends several hours picking up the pieces again, regretting that most of his blunders seem to be from doing things just for the sake of dramatic effect.  Meanwhile, the Toa clamber up a rock-face and confront the dark duo.)
 
Onua: Umarak!  You are of this world.  Do not help Makuta destroy it.  It's not too late!
 
Umarak: It is too late... for you!  Also, I was created from the shadows and my name means Shadow Hunter the Shadow Hunter.  I don't have nearly enough of a compelling backstory for you to try to appeal to my obviously nonexistent better nature.
 
Onua: Well then why did you try to double-cross Makuta?  It's like your character in this show had nothing to do with your Bionicle.com bio!
 
Umarak: Yeah weird... anyway!  FEEL THE POWER OF MAKUTA!
 
(Umarak sprays Onua with the lime green fluid from before.  Onua leaps out of the way and instead of doing nothing, the green liquid slices a boulder into pieces.)
 
Onua: Oh cool, that actually does do something.  Too bad it makes less sense than Tahu's booger theory.
 
(The Toa jump into action to help Onua.)
 
Kopaka: Don't say we didn't warn ya!
 
Tahu: The ground beneath me, there's nothing.  No fire!
 
Onua: It's not earth!
 
Tahu: So we're on Mars???    ELON MUSK!  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!
 
Umarak: You cannot summon the elements!  You have left your world of light.  Here there is only shadow, shadow I command!
 
(Umarak raises a wave of shadows to strike the Toa.)
 
Tahu: Oh shoot, he can still do the shadow thing!  Pohatu!  Why aren't you writing this down?!
 
Pohatu: Help!  I can't swim!  That was one of my defining character attributes in Gen 1 which made no sense because I had a mask of water breathing!
 
Kopaka: Help!
 
Gali: I can't move!
 
Pohatu: It's like mud!
 
Umarak: How easily you are defeated!  ... Like, seriously, why didn't I lead with this in episode one?
 
Ekimu: Umarak!
 
(Ekimu leaps from a high ledge down into the fray.)
 
Ekimu: If there is shadow, there must be light!
 
(He raises his hammer and nothing happens.)
 
Pohatu: Still can't move!
 
Umarak: See? You are not strong enough.
 
Ekimu: Look, obviously I haven't done my thing yet.  If all of you could give me like TWO SECONDS maybe I could actually contribute to this conflict beyond giving my usual unhelpful advice.
 
Gali: I'm getting bored!
 
Ekimu:
 
Gali: Sorry!
 
Ekimu: But I am not alone!  Agil!  Now's the time!
 
(Agil flies into Ekimu's body, which begins to glow and enshrouds the area in blinding light.  The light fades and Ekimu has returned to his villager form and everyone, including Umarak, is lying on the ground.  The Toa get up to check on Ekimu.)
 
Tahu: You alright?
 
Ekimu: I am... I am weak.
 
Kopaka: You also cost as much as the Elemental Beasts and they had like twice your screentime!  You didn't even last half an episode!  RIGHT NOW YOUR SET IS SELLING ON EBAY FOR LIKE A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!  WHAT IS THE POINT OF YOUR EXISTENCE?!
 
Ekimu: Well at least I lasted longer than the Ussanui.
 
Kopaka: Whoa, too soon!  He's only been dead for like fifteen years!  Not cool, man!
 
(Umarak slowly rises to his feet.)
 
Gali: But so is Umarak!  ... Weak, I mean.  Look, my line makes sense when people don't waste time complaining about set prices, okay?!
 
(Gali charges at Umarak.)
 
Tahu: Gali, no!  Let Kopaka or me do something useful for a change!
 
Ekimu: It is her choice.
 
Tahu: Why aren't we helping her?  She obviously expected us to charge in with her.  You are definitely a bad person, Ekimu.
 
(Gali leaps over Umarak and grabs a piece of Makuta's Forbidden Mask of Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.)
 
Gali: I'll take these.  I got 'em!
 
Umarak: No!
 
(Umarak swipes at Gali, but she dodges.  A purple light shoots out from the Makuta crystal and envelops Gali.  Her spirit is drained from her body and absorbed into the crystal.  Gali is then thrown to the ground... somehow still screaming.  She hits the ground and the light fades from her eyes.)
 
Tahu: No!  Our token female character!  Now we're definitely going to fail the Bechdel Test!
 
Lewa: When have we ever passed it?
 
Umarak: It is over!  Makuta is coming!
 
(Umarak growls as he is surrounded by purple flames.  Everyone just decides to ignore him and checks on Gali's lifeless form.)
 
Ekimu: Gali's spirit is strong, but we have lost her to the Shadow Realm.
 
Tahu: What are we going to do?
 
Ekimu: What you came to do.
 
Kopaka: Collect the Seven Millennium Items and the Egyptian God Cards to defeat Marik Ishtar before he can use the powers of the Shadow Realm to--
 
Ekimu: Look, it's obviously not that.  Why don't you people stop him?
 
Makuta: Hey, I did my part by calling it the Realm of Shadow earlier.  This is on you, bud.
 
Lewa: Don't worry.  You know Gali, she'll find a way back.
 
Onua: Lewa's right, come on.
 
(Meanwhile, Gali's spirit wakes up in the Shadow Realm.)
 
Gali: What happened?  Where am I?
 
(Ahead of her is a glowing purple city.  Gali walks towards it.)
 
Gali: This is the city Ekimu told us about.  But it was destroyed... which means... I'm in the Shadow Realm... which also means I've spent the last minute explaining things the audience already knew.  Well, while I'm at it, I might as well re-establish the colours of grass and the sky.  You see the grass is --
 
(Gali is interrupted by some nearby growling.  She rushes off to hide and spots Makuta leading a group of Elemental Beasts, Shadow Traps, and Shadow Okotans.)
 
Gali: Makuta.  I wonder where he's going.  Man, it's a good thing that everyone here is completely deaf.  Otherwise my very loud self-monologue would definitely give away my presence here.  Now for me to go spy on him...
 
Makuta: Oh, I could hear you, but I was politely ignoring you because EAVESDROPPING IS SUPER RUDE!
 
Gali: Sorry!

[SPIRIT]

Chapter 14- Episode 4: The Dark Portal (Part 3)

(Meanwhile, the Toa, minus Gali, are all fighting Umarak.)
 
Umarak: You cannot win!
 
Onua: Look, now that we're in an area that blocks elemental powers, we are absolutely going to take full advantage of Lego's much more permissive violence policy.
 
Tahu: No stabbing the ground with fireswords?!
 
Lewa: No windfly sandtwister?!
 
Pohatu: No binding hands with my climbing claws?!
 
Onua: Dude, why were you even in Mask of Light?
 
Pohatu:
 
Ekimu: Umarak, you have not collected enough of the mask.  You cannot open the door to the Shadow Realm!
 
Umarak: So you say.  But you forget I have been bathed in your elemental light, Ancient One.
 
Ekimu: Whoa, buddy, you're one of the primordial forces of this island.  You are much older than me.
 
Umarak: Okay there, grandpa.
 
Ekimu:
 
Umarak: It was you who filled me with the power I needed.
 
(Umarak telekinetically lifts the Toa's weapons and flings them into the Shadow Realm.)
 
Umarak: And you did not know.
 
Ekimu: Didn't I?
 
Onua: Hey Pohatu, we finally found someone more useless than you.
 
Pohatu: But I killed all the Elemental Beasts with like a single attack!  If anything, pick on Tahu and Kopaka.  They're easily our weakest teammates.
 
Onua: Hey Tahu and Kopaka, we finally found someone more useless--
 
Kopaka: Finish that sentence and you're a popsicle.
 
Tahu: A POPSICLE ON FIRE!
 
Onua: How would that even--
 
Director: Hey maybe let's finish this Netflix original series so we can all move on with our lives?  How about that?
 
Kopaka: So what are we going to do?
 
Tahu: If we don't let him finish the ritual, he can't open the portal.
 
Lewa: Wow, it sure was nice of the writers to explain how this works from the get-go instead of wasting their time by telling Makuta's backstory twice.  Oh wait a minute!
 
Onua: So we keep fighting.
 
Pohatu: For how long?
 
Onua: Forever, if that's what it takes.
 
Pohatu: Sounds good to me!  Then Bionicle will last forever too!
 
Director: *Checks watch* You've got about six minutes of Bionicle left.  Make it count.
 
Lewa: Hey, Umarak!
 
Umarak: What?
 
Pohatu: Here we come!

 

(The Toa charge at Umarak.)
 
Umarak: Alright, I guess I'll fall for your obvious distraction.  It's not like people without any weapons or magic powers actually pose and legitimate threat to me, but sure.  I'll fight you instead of doing the one thing Makuta wants me to do.  Good thing I'm wearing the Mask of Control or who knows what crazy antics I'd be up to!

 

(Meanwhile in the Shadow Realm, Gali watches Makuta on a balcony giving a speech to his servants.)

 

Makuta: My minions... please stop appearing in terrible Facebook pictures.  No one under the age of 50 likes those.  And enough with the Despicable Me sequels!  No one over the age of five likes those.  Also... today I will take my rightful place among the gods.

 

Gali: Wow, we're polytheistic?  I have so many questions that I really hope get answered in the next six minutes.

 

Makuta: It is a victory for all that is dark and unforgiving.  Our ancient code demands we never reveal the prophecy recorded in the Temple of Light.  Ekimu will honour that vow even if that means the Toa will never know their true power and darkness will rule forever.

 

Gali: True power, hmm... I'd like to see that.  Also, kinda weird that Makuta took the time to explain all that to his minions.  Also weird that Ekimu has already revealed a lot of this forbidden prophecy to us already and that he would arbitrarily hold values that he invented himself even if it means the end of the world.  It's like several details regarding the end of this story were changed at the last minute...

 

Lego:

 

(Gali infiltrates the Temple of Light and examines the writing within.)

 

Gali: It's all there... every bit of it.  When we got here... our masks... our creatures.  It's very convenient that now I can read this language when in previous episodes I nearly died due to my illiteracy.

 

Director: That's called character development!

 

Gali: Remember kids, if you want to learn how to read, just go into an ancient temple and almost die!

 

Director:

 

(Gali finds a picture of a warrior with the Nuva symbol of Water below it, surrounded by energy.)

 

Gali: Wait that's me... This was all meant to be.  But why?  Of course!  United but not One.  Duty... Unity... and now Destiny.

 

Director: I... you... IT'S UNITY, DUTY, DESTINY!  DIDN'T YOU EVER WATCH THE OTHER MOVIES?! WE ONLY SAID IT LIKE 37 MILLION TIMES!

 

Gali: Have I seen the Bionicle movies?  What do I look like, some kind of nerd?

 

Director:

 

Gali: We can do this... but only if I can find a way out of here.  What am I saying?  I know what's going to happen.  I just have to be there when it does.  Take that, logic and laws of causality!

 

(Back in the real world, Onua is slammed against a wall as Kopaka and Lewa help him up.)

 

Onua: I'm fine, come on.

 

Kopaka: It's too late. Look.

 

(The Toa look on exhausted as Umarak begins to glow with power.)

 

Tahu: Huh, weird, I totally thought we could beat the giant magic guy with our no weapons or powers.  What a twist!

 

Onua: The Destroyer is the last piece of the puzzle.

 

Lewa: His energy is going to make the difference.  It's kinda like... what was the point of collecting the pieces of the Forbidden Mask?  Like this whole second arc was a big waste of time...

 

Ekimu: The door will open... but the story will not end there.

 

Director: *checks watch again* Ehh, pretty much, though.

 

(Umarak glows purple and begins writhing and screaming in pain.  He shatters into a mask and green fragments, which all soar into the sky.  A bright light from the crystal envelops the area and then fades.)

 

Lewa: He's gone.

 

Pohatu: Makuta was using him the whole time.

 

Lewa: Um duh, didn't you see the end of episode 2 WHEN THEY ALREADY EXPLAINED THIS?!

 

Pohatu: What do I look like, some kind of nerd?

 

Kopaka: And there he is!  ... Makuta.  There is Makuta.  Look, there's a lot of shared dialogue in this show.  If we keep interrupting one another to complain about the story, it's really hard for some of us to get our lines in.

 

Pohatu: Oh shut up, Kopaka.  You've already had more than your fair share of the spotlight in this show.

 

Kopaka:

 

(A figure begins to emerge from the crystal.)

 

Ekimu: I have vowed not to share the prophecy... even though I've already mentioned it several times... but this was meant to be.

 

Tahu: What?  Makuta can't win!

 

Ekimu: He is not the only one banished to the Shadow Realm.

 

(A blue glow escapes the crystal.)

 

Pohatu: Look!

 

Tahu: What is that?

 

Lewa: Don't you know?  Like, seriously, it's blue.  Who else could it be?

 

Tahu: Oh my gosh... Krekka?!  You're alive!  I thought Greg said that you couldn't be revived by the Red Star, but it's true!  You're back!  My oldest friend!

 

Lewa: I... you... but... WHAT?!?!?  IT'S GALI!  OF COURSE IT'S GALI!  WHY WOULD IT BE KREKKA?!  HE DOESN'T EVEN EXIST!

 

Tahu: Oh...

 

(The blue light enters Gali's body and she is restored.  The other Toa all cheer.)

 

Ekimu: Gali, it is good to see you.

 

Gali: I was in the ancient city.  I've seen the prophecy.

 

Ekimu: Then you know what you must do.

 

Gali: I also know that you're absolutely insane for not having shared the rest of this with us.  Clearly there are no consequences for acting based on knowledge from the prophecy.  It's like we're some sort of constructible action toy for your amusement!

 

Ekimu: Uhhhhhh....

 

Gali: Don't sound so sad.  We're going to save Okoto.

 

Tahu: How?

 

Gali: Ekimu knows, but he can't say.

 

Ekimu: Even if it is your destiny, you still must find it for yourself.

 

Gali: Well I have found it.  Also, what difference does that make if it's set in stone anyway.  Wouldn't we have found it regardless?  ONCE AGAIN I AM VEXED BY THE PHILOSOPHY OF A PLASTIC TOY!

 

Director: Are you done?

 

Gali: Yes.  We don't pull our elemental power from the planet.

 

Lewa: Was that a thing previously?

 

Onua: There's an awful lot of canon being written right at the end of all this.

 

Gali: The planet pulls its elemental power from us.

 

Tahu: I knew it!  We were in Soviet Russia all along!  DUME, WE SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO YOU!!!!

 

Kopaka: But we've left the world of elements.

 

Gali: Guess what!  We are Toa!  We are the elements!

 

(She fires a blue beam from her chest at Makuta as he is still trying to emerge from the portal.)

 

Gali: This is our destiny.  We will merge our power and end this.

 

Kopaka: Do we have the power?

 

Gali: No, Kopaka.  I just installed a giant spotlight in my chest.

 

Lewa: You do, if you believe.

 

Pohatu: But if we merge our power...

 

Gali: It will be the last thing we do.

 

Pohatu: And it'll be worth it... especially since in Gen 1, we also merged our powers during the second year of the storyline and transformed into cooler versions of ourselves.  I'm sure the same thing will happen again.

 

Director: Oh no, please don't risk it.  You have so much to live for.  Such a long second generation of Bionicle to look forward to.

 

(Gali is surrounded by water and floats in the air.)

 

Tahu: Makuta!

 

Pohatu: This ends now!

 

(The other Toa are surrounded by their elements, float in the air, and blast beams of energy from their chests as well.  A dark beam of energy emanates from Makuta to try to counteract the Toa's beams.)

 

Gali: For duty!

 

Kopaka: For unity!

 

Tahu: For destiny!

 

Director: Come on, guys.  You're like the main three Unity, Duty, Destiny guys from Gen 1.  How could you possibly mix up what your virtue is?

 

Tahu: Well it doesn't really help that we only started referencing them in the last five minutes of the show.  Might've been helpful to bring that up sooner...

 

Director: WE BROUGHT IT UP IN 2003!

 

Tahu: Ehhhh, I still could've used more time to learn them.

 

Onua: We are Toa.

 

Pohatu: Uniters of the elements.

 

Onua: And in the name of those elements, we banish you to the Realm of Shadows!

 

Gali: As we return to the stars.

 

Onua, Tahu, Kopaka, Pohatu, and Lewa: WAIT, WHAT?!

 

(The Toa disappear and a rainbow of energy soars up into the night sky, culminating in six stars.  Ekimu looks up at the sky pondering all that has happened.  The scene transitions as an unnamed Protector of Ice narrates these events around a campfire with various Okotans.)

 

Protector: Born of the elements, they returned to the stars where all life began.  But even now, in a time of peace and plenty, they watch us from above.  This is the legend of Bionicle!

 

Jungle Okotan: So wait, are you supposed to be Narmoto or a different guy?  Because you totally have Narmoto's voice.

 

Protector: I think you'll find that my voice sounds like a lot of people...  Anyway, should the day come when we are in need of heroes, the Toa will return.

 

Director: Okay, cut!  That's a wrap.  And let's never do this again.  Like ever.  Never ever ever ever never.

 

THE END...Until the next Bionicle reboot.

 

Director: NO, IT'S THE END FOREVER!

 

THE END... But seriously, they still own all the copyrights, it could still happen.

 

Director: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!

Edited March 24, 2019 by SPIRIT

[The 1st Shadow]

Excellent finale! Beautiful work, as always. What else can I say but "I'm bummed there's nothing more for you to spoof at the moment?" 

[Master Inika]

Great finale, another fine addition to SPIRIT Spoof collection.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

A great ending to a series based off a Netflix show I still haven't watched because I don't have Netflix.

 

Joking aside, these last two chapter were great. 

[DoctorW]

And when the world needed him most...he returned. 

 

Great as always and actually got me to rewatch Journey to One. As great as BIONICLE is, it is fun to nitpick. And it leads to some of the best comedies on the forum. Well done. 

[DoctorW]

On 3/17/2018 at 6:49 PM, SPIRIT said:

Tahu: No!  Our token female character!  Now we're definitely going to fail the Bechdel Test!
 
Lewa: When have we ever passed it?

The MNOLG 2 passes. I checked.