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Daybreak - Response


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#1 Offline Kagha

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Posted Dec 21 2011 - 09:44 PM

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Contents

Preface

1. Mercenary

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Original draft

Hello, and welcome to the response thread for the epic Daybreak. By this time, many people who know me and follow my work are also well-acquainted with my exasperating self absolution of commitment or responsibility. This chronicle itself is a prime example of my indolent nature, originally started (quite unbelievably) in 2009 and never making it past a seventh chapter instalment before I said sayonara and fell out of BZP entirely. I understand that my flakiness is a deterrent point for many of my supporters, but if my word still holds any validity then I offer you it as a bonding rite to my devotion to this story.

Daybreak is inspired primarily and heavily by an old BZRPG called Metru Nui: City of Fear, which was hosted by Munkiman back in the day and had a great deal of participant support paired with a solid storyline, which proved to be progressive as well as intriguing and engaging the duration of the game.

Daybreak is meant to loosely carry on after the events that occurred in City of Fear, detailing the aftermath of Metru Nui’s retrieval and the disappearance of the vampires. It follows the adventures of a Matoran named Ayrh in his quest to unravel the web of shadows that, to this day, encapsulates the Great City of Metru Nui, and all the implications of the surviving vampire resistance.

Please feel free to post any criticisms, questions, comments, or general feedback in this thread and I will do my best to keep track of and take into consideration your input. I will also be posting notices in this thread on the time frames of each successive update, which I hope to ease any tension some of my followers may be feeling.

[Possibly] Important to Note:

- City of Fear is a mind-bogglingly long time ago and I've gone through two hard drive wipes, an entirely new computer and a digital identity crisis in that time. I have no information on the profiles that many of you sent me when this was originally started; the only player-based characters that will appear in this story are the ones that have already been introduced in the preexisting chapters. As I do not have the profiles with me anymore, I will be improvising and making their personalities and actions up on the spot -- they may be drastically different than originally intended.

I think this is a very unnecessary and irrelevant heads-up now, as I don't expect much of anybody to be too concerned about featuring in the epic or having their characters loyally portrayed, given how long ago City of Fear really was and how horribly inconsistent I was with Daybreak the first time around. This rendition is, though, is going to be a lot more loose than I had originally intended, and will not necessarily follow the City of Fear storyline religiously. Again, this is simply because of a loss of information. Regardless, I think it'll be fun to carry on.

- I will be drawing most of the material for the beginning of the epic directly from the story as it was in progress from the old forum. However, I will also be rewriting a great deal of the preexisting material, so it will not be a direct import from the story as it was back when I started it.

:: Instalment Notices ::

Dec 21 : ‘Preface’ was posted

Next chapter expected January 15-30

Jan 27 : 'Mercenary' was posted

Next chapter expected March 10-30


Edited by Kagha, Jan 27 2012 - 08:00 PM.

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#2 Offline Inferna Firesword

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Posted Dec 21 2011 - 10:12 PM

Huzzah for Daybreak!I've been itching to see this again since you came back. =DI can't wait to see the reworked chapters. Hope you get past Chapter 6 this time. :P-Inferna
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Thanks for the memories, BZP. Time for me to leave.


#3 Offline Simon the Digger

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Posted Jan 14 2012 - 10:48 PM

It can't be......... It's back?.......................................YES! I had hoped this day would come. And it did! Just when I was about to give up hope. I missed this.
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Red Skies, an FTL Prequel (Updated 7/13)


#4 Offline Kagha

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Posted Jan 27 2012 - 08:23 PM

Yay! I still have people who are actually ardent to follow some of my work, despite my major falling outs before I went comatose! ^^ Love you guys. Pteri, I will hold myself to this story and will not stop writing until the last chapter. Krayzikk, I'm sorry for making you and everyone else wait so long! I'm glad to hear that it was at least worth missing for some people.In other news, chapter one is up. It takes a slightly different turn from the original story, and starts well before Ayrh is on his way to Metru Nui. But enough of summaries; go read it yourself! Link in the parent post!Thanks everyone for reading!-Kagha

Edited by Kagha, Jan 27 2012 - 08:23 PM.

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#5 Offline Inferna Firesword

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Posted Jan 27 2012 - 08:47 PM

I know I told you I saw the rough draft on FF.net, but when you said it was just a draft, I couldn't tell.I can now, though. Because seriously, this is awesome.The fact it was vastly improved from the original was enough to surprise me when I found the draft; the fact it's improved (which I thought was impossible) is even better. It's ... darker, grittier, than the original Daybreak, and I can respect lots of improvement, both in the setting and in the style. The fact you can't remember much of original CoF probably helps too: it lets you use the characters as they need to.I look forward to the next chapters. =)-Inferna
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Thanks for the memories, BZP. Time for me to leave.


#6 Offline Simon the Digger

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Posted Jan 29 2012 - 12:47 PM

Wow. Just, wow. I promise I will be more articulate in a moment, but for now that is what I can say.I can remember both City of Fear and the original Daybreak, but this certainly surpasses the later and quite possibly the source material. It is darker and grittier than both, for sure, and I love it. I love the development of Ayrh so far, and this chapter truly showcases his personality without being entirely made up of adjectives. Actions speak louder than words, and this chapter truly represents that. I will admit, however, I am guilty of not following Ayrh's adventures during the original RPG. I like how you mentioned Trellen, and if I am correct as to who I think it is, one other.Actually, I do have two clarifying question however. When you say ____born, I assume that is the equivalent of saying ______-Matoran? The other is that this chapter was set before CoF, correct?Also, props on making the first schizophrenic character I personally have ever seen on these boards. It seems to fit very well with the tone of the story.As a reader of the story, this was an absolutely brilliant chapter. As someone who played CoF and was as much a newbie as one can be at the time, thank you for allowing me to relive the story. And at the same time, curse you for making me remember some of the stupid things i did while I went by the username of jaller101.
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Red Skies, an FTL Prequel (Updated 7/13)


#7 Offline Kagha

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Posted Feb 01 2012 - 10:18 PM

I know I told you I saw the rough draft on FF.net, but when you said it was just a draft, I couldn't tell.I can now, though. Because seriously, this is awesome.The fact it was vastly improved from the original was enough to surprise me when I found the draft; the fact it's improved (which I thought was impossible) is even better. It's ... darker, grittier, than the original Daybreak, and I can respect lots of improvement, both in the setting and in the style. The fact you can't remember much of original CoF probably helps too: it lets you use the characters as they need to.I look forward to the next chapters. =)-Inferna

^o^Inferna Firesword is reviewing my work. Giddy fangirling aside...I'm trying to get past the fact that I can't remember much of / never was deeply involved with CoF. Basically the RPG acts as a skeleton to provide setting, tone, and history for Daybreak. I like to think of the epic as more of a spinoff than a religious follow-up.There's also a different, more grounded emotion that I'm wanting to convey with Daybreak - a sort of uncut, rough, and realistic tone to it moreso than whimsical or colourful. I'm not sure how good I am with spinning that sort of tale, but I'll do my best.

Wow. Just, wow. I promise I will be more articulate in a moment, but for now that is what I can say.I can remember both City of Fear and the original Daybreak, but this certainly surpasses the later and quite possibly the source material. It is darker and grittier than both, for sure, and I love it. I love the development of Ayrh so far, and this chapter truly showcases his personality without being entirely made up of adjectives. Actions speak louder than words, and this chapter truly represents that. I will admit, however, I am guilty of not following Ayrh's adventures during the original RPG. I like how you mentioned Trellen, and if I am correct as to who I think it is, one other.Actually, I do have two clarifying question however. When you say ____born, I assume that is the equivalent of saying ______-Matoran? The other is that this chapter was set before CoF, correct?Also, props on making the first schizophrenic character I personally have ever seen on these boards. It seems to fit very well with the tone of the story.As a reader of the story, this was an absolutely brilliant chapter. As someone who played CoF and was as much a newbie as one can be at the time, thank you for allowing me to relive the story. And at the same time, curse you for making me remember some of the stupid things i did while I went by the username of jaller101.

I couldn't ever imagine a work of mine to temporarily confound someone's articulacy, but I wholly appreciate the sentiment. ^^I'm not sure that it's a fair comparison to hold Daybreak up to CoF. After all, the RPG was a player-based enterprise and was largely character-involved whereas Daybreak is a one-person driven engine. There's also the issue of them being two entirely different media -- a chapter story versus a roleplaying game. But thank you nonetheless. :DI've tried to cut down on forcing the story with tautology and literal descriptions along with the sea of adjectives I usually choke down the throats of my readers, I'm glad to see it is working if only partially. I'm still fairly inexperienced with character development and balancing constructing a workable setting, but hopefully Daybreak will help me hone my skills.To address your questions, I have a few readers outside of the BZP and general BIONICLE community and so I'm trying to make Daybreak a story where even a non-fan can ease into the plot without getting bogged down by jargon. That's why I'm mostly relying on _____born rather than __-Matoran. I'm probably eventually going to incorporate the elemental prefixes into the story, but I'm going to try to make it gradual for aforementioned reasons. As for your second question, I can tell you that this chapter still takes place quite some time after the end of CoF.The schizophrenia is something I always saw as an intrinsic part of Ayrh's personality but never really divulged into, something I thought I ought to change with the revival of the story.I'm glad my efforts and my inspiration from the original RP has extended to others, I am endlessly grateful for you taking your time to read my works. Out of curiosity, when you did play CoF, what character(s) did you command? And do you have any interest with having them become a part of the epic? If so, that'd be great and I could definitely incorporate that. :)Thanks everybody for your comments.-Kagha

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#8 Offline Simon the Digger

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Posted Feb 02 2012 - 09:08 PM

Ah, with regards to the last paragraph of your previous post, username changes are so amusing. Believe it or not, we have had this conversation once before, just prior to the release of the original Daybreak. Formerly, my username was jaller101 and I controlled a Toa of Lightning named Tarnok in CoF. And with regards to your comment about endless gratefulness, no, thank you for taking the time to write the story.
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Red Skies, an FTL Prequel (Updated 7/13)


#9 Offline Kagha

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Posted Feb 04 2012 - 10:53 PM

Ah, I see ... haha, how far could I stretch the makeup of the Tarnok character without breaching your comfort zone? I know he was mentioned in the end of the first chapter, and I was going to give him a reprised role throughout more of the story, but I was just wondering how many changes I could make to him without deviating too far from your intentions?Furthermore, if you message me a PM then we can iron out some details of how you want him to appear versus my plans. =)-Kagha
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#10 Offline Simon the Digger

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Posted Feb 12 2012 - 10:23 AM

BTW, can I pleeeease use the top half of your sig? :begging: It is epic.
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Red Skies, an FTL Prequel (Updated 7/13)


#11 Offline Kagha

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Posted Feb 12 2012 - 11:19 PM

Yup, you can, you don't even need to ask.On another note, here's an excerpt from the coming chapter just so you guys don't think I'm dead or anything ...

The back alleys of Kyramore were a labyrinth of corners, offshoots, and dead ends. He could have sworn he’d gotten lost at least four times before he finally reached his destination. A rugged tower now loomed before him. Cobwebs and lichen swathed its face. Surrounded by alleys and projects, Ayrh was surprised anyone still even worked here. Its barebones exterior belied the strenuous labour that took place inside; a busy scene in reality, which we realised upon entry. Scrawny workers littered the place and tended a variety of unsafe-looking industrial contraptions, their armour long soiled with oil and soot. Most of them were either Onu or Po descended, tough Matoran classes that were supposed to be adapted to these kinds of conditions. Looking around, it was hard to believe anybody could naturally cope with such slave work.Gasoline and smoke drifted through the cramped indoors and Ayrh had to will many a breeze to carry away the stench. Matoran passed him queer glances as he walked through. He wouldn’t expect any less; being the only Le-Matoran in the building, his vibrant green armour complexion stuck out like a sore thumb among their muted black and brown tones. Their curiosity was fleeting, and none chose to speak up to question his presence, instead returning meekly to work. The entire setup left a foul taste in his mouth. Adapted or not, this didn’t seem like it was very pleasant, or even strictly legal at that.“Ayrh,” hissed a voice from an aisle between precariously stacked crates. Inside was a hooded figure he recognised instantly as Tarnok, along with a person he’d never before seen in his life. Moving closer, he saw that the being was a member of the Steltian bourgeoisie. The wrists of the bourgeois were adorned with ornate bracelets, and an assortment of semiprecious necklaces dangled from around his neck. It struck Ayrh to see such ostentation in a place like this, but in spite of himself, he remained impassive and didn’t let his disgust show.“You must be the employer,” he said.The bourgeois nodded his head, causing the chains to jingle. A passing Po-Matoran pushing a dolly walked by, casting a wide-eyed glance into the aisle at the sound of the jewellery. The bourgeois didn’t notice, or if he did he didn’t care to show it. “I am Kadoran Norekson of Stelt.” He graciously extended a hand. “It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

-Kagha

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#12 Offline Simon the Digger

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Posted Feb 15 2012 - 07:21 PM

Dude, that piece alone was worth the wait. Wonderfully descriptive, and does it's job in making me wonder the circumstances.....
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Red Skies, an FTL Prequel (Updated 7/13)


#13 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Oct 28 2012 - 02:55 PM

ECC Charity Review:First off, I'd like to say that I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors. Thus, I generally understood what you wrote. Good job there.Second, your description is pretty good. It's easy to imagine everything because you describe it so vividly. The problem is, though, that there's so much description that it is quite boring to read at times. I'd recommend cutting down on the description at least a little.The prologue is decent, although personally I dislike starting stories with that kind of infodump prologue. It's not nearly as bad as some info dump prologues are, I guess, but frankly I would have found a better and more interesting way to convey this information. Maybe place bits and pieces throughout the story, instead of telling it all in one go.Another thing I dislike is the mood lash between the prologue and first chapter. We go from the prologue's mythical description of epic battles between good and evil to a highly realistic, very cynical day in the life of a smuggler character. This wouldn't be so bad, perhaps, if the events in the prologue were actually referenced at some point in the story, but thus far the prologue appears to have very little to do with anything currently happening in the epic itself, making the mood whiplash even more prominant.The characters are all right so far, although I'm not particularly fond of them. Ayrh is the most developed so far, but for some reason I don't feel too attached to him. Maybe it's because you've only posted one chapter so far, but I don't find myself feeling any particular feelings toward him -- positive or negative -- and so don't have much to say. The rest of the characters aren't developed enough for me to criticize or praise them,As with the characters, I can't criticize or praise the plot much because there's not much of it so far. Unless you intend to post more chapters, I couldn't describe the plot to anyone, nor am I sure what it is.Also, I don't like how you ended the first chapter. It didn't really feel like an ending. It felt to me like you were getting bored and just wanted to finish it quickly, so you ended it without giving any sort of proper conclusion to Ayrh's and Trellen's conversation. It was way too abrupt. I recommend you add something more to make the ending less abrupt and more natural.Before I finish this review, I noticed you put up a preview for the next chapter, but never posted the chapter itself. Why is that? Did you never finish the next chapter or did you forget or did real life get in the way or what? I'm interested in knowing because unlike some authors who abandoned their works, you actually had something to show that you were still working on your story, but you never explained why you apparently abandoned it.Overall, Daybreak is an okay fic. It's hard to judge a story based solely on the prologue and first chapter, but it has the potential to be good, I think. Spelling and grammar are fine, but the mood whiplash between the prologue's mythical good-versus-evil battles and the harsh and realistic atmosphere of the first chapter hurt the epic quite a bit. Try to find a more interesting way to work in this backstory information, rather than spelling it out for us in a prologue like this.Keep on writing!-TNTOS-
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