Solek's Story Part 2: The Quest For The Epic Battle

[Lord Frezon]

A random sequel is seen! This will probably have 4 chapters.Read Solek's story first, cuz its awesome. I think the link is in my sig. If it's not, i'll put it here.

http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=987

Part 2:  The Quest for the Epic Battle (and the destruction of the majority of earth in the process)

So lord Solek, master of awesome, was very upset.  The stupid leech had just escaped imminent extermination due to that weirdo Frezon.  And that bugged Solek. A lot.  But luckily, Frezon was of busy watching Dr. Who, so Solek had a chance to right what had happened.

“Ok guys, here’s the plan,” Solek announced to his team of Carapar, Weapon, the recently revived Kirop, and newcomer Osram, the avowed Avenger against insanity, as well as Insanity Inc., the leech’s new media conglomerate, “We have to go back in time and stop the leech before he becomes the menace he is now.  We’ll have to execute a brilliant plan to steal a time machine, make sure Frezon stays out of the way, and figure out how to break causality so we don’t create the leech’s rise in the first place.  Any questions?”

“Yeah, just a few,” Osram replied, standing up and polishing his anti-crazy gun, “First, where is this time machine?  Second, when are we going?  And third, who the heck is Frezon?”

Kirop jumped up and waved his hand in the air.  He alone had been given the details to the existence of the omnipresent author, Frezon.  “Frezon’s this really tall guy with massive biceps, six pack abs, and a killer personality.  He writes most of the comedies we’re in, but he doesn’t like Solek, so we have to be sneaky and write our own comedy to get around him.  Luckily, he plays a lot of Minecraft, so he’s easily distracted by hissing noises.”

“What’s an author?” asked Carapar, apparently gaining a plethora of speaking skills since the last installment, “And what was all that about time travel?  All I know about that is that they did it in Lost and my brain exploded.”

“Relax everyone, my plan is perfect.” Solek said, smoothing his perfect hair down.  “Now, Kirop was complete right for once.  If Frezon gets any idea of what we are doing, he’ll shut down this comedy.  Now, both fortunately and unfortunately, Frezon has been watching lots of Doctor Who lately, so he has a Time Machine stored in his brain.  All we have to do is invade his cerebrum, steal the time machine, Put it through this imaginary machine called the realtor, then escape through it into the past, when the leech was in college…”

Meanwhile, 15 years earlier, one S. Leech was having a blast at his dorm’s weekly kegger of light.  Unfortunately for the majority of the shadow leeches on campus, light was toxic in quantities, so chugging bottle after bottle wasn’t a good idea when the light would cause them to disintegrate into little smears on the tiling.  And that would have been the fate of our main antagonist, if he hadn’t been the nerdiest shadow leech on campus.  We’re talking full on suspenders, inch thick glasses, star trek action figures, the works.  So, naturally, he was thrown out of the party in a flash. 

“Well, that worked out nicely,” said Leech, as he pulled out the wallets he had just stolen from the shadow leeches who had thrown him out of the party.  Now, with his funds considerably higher, Leech had a plan: to put on the most insane party that the Kraata Institute of Social Sciences had ever seen!  And nothing, not even time traveling warrior robots from the future with a vendetta to fulfill would stop him!

Edited November 10, 2015 by Frezon

[Lord Frezon]

Chapter 2

Solek was standing on the deck of the Mind-Ship that was traversing the deeps of Frezon’s mind.  They were looking through his memories, attempting to find a time machine.  But currently, there was nothing.  Sure, they had found a sonic screwdriver, one of those Inception dream machines, and some guy named Drool, but no time machines.  Luckily, this Drool guy was pretty smart, albeit slightly psychotic, but you couldn’t have it all, so he had joined the crew.  Though he claimed to be a shapeshifter capable of transforming into any being imaginable, he was currently in the form of a morbidly obese hippo, leaving many doubts on his prowess in shapeshifting. 

“Boss!!!! Boss!!!  I see- wait, no, that’s just a mech-suit, not a Delorean.”  Kirop was another lookout, and he was pretty useless at it.  He had been responsible for finding about 27 pairs of shoes, none of which were time machine shoes, and all of which smelled really bad.

“We’re wasting our time.  There are no time machines in here.”  Osram was the other lookout, and so far he had been quite the pessimist.  Unknown to the rest of the crew, he had found several billion dollars in a briefcase, and was hoping he survived so he could spend it on all the pointless desires of cruel life, which would only increase his sufferin- hey, Buddhist monks, get out of my head.  So yeah.

Meanwhile, below deck, Carapar and Weapon were conversing in their secret tongue of Chaksoba showing intelligence never displayed before.  Luckily for their street cred, much of Chaksoba sounded like grunts and incomprehensible noises, so they still sounded like brainless thugs.

“This game tires me Carapar,” muttered Weapon, “When can we strike back and break out of the control of these swine?”

“Patience, Weapon.” Carapar adjusted the levels on the Dial of Despair.  “Soon, our trap will be sprung and we shall ascend as masters of this universe.”

“EXTERMINATE!” said the Dalek who was also chilling in the cockpit.  No real reason why he was here, just cuz.

Solek was beginning to give into Osram's despair.  There had been no sign of a time machine for weeks in here.  True, it was only a matter of minutes on the outside world, and even if it took too long they could always use the time machine and go back, but still, the Mind of Frezon was so vast and… weird, it was essentially impossible to navigate with any success.

Then, Solek saw it.  A Vahi, the Legendary Artifact- Equipment of time!  Shouting and fist pumping, Solek grabbed and equipped it, as it was apparently some trans-dimensional Vahi that had some of its rules replaced by Magic the Gathering.  Grabbing his megaphone, he yelled “Attention crew!  I’ve found a time machine.  Prepare yourselves for trans dimensional travel.”  With that he ran down to the cabin, finding Carapar and Weapon currently AWOL and tons of red wires draped over the rather peeved Dalek.

“Well, this is obnoxious,” Solek muttered.  He jumped and flipped his way to the Time Energy Extrapolato-thingy, dodging the random death beams of the Dalek, then unequipped the Vahi and equipped it to the thingy.  There was a humming noise, and the ship ripped out of Frezon’s brain and back into their universe, releasing a massive charge of electric energy which left Frezon twitching on the floor in agony.  But who cares about him.

Meanwhile in the past, Shadow Leech was busy putting the finishing touches on his awesome party.  He had hired Rage Against the Machine to come and play for him, had stocked up on volatile organic chemicals, and had a lot of pizza.  It was only 15 minutes until he opened his doors to the rest of the institute, and enacted his final grand master plan.  He steepled his flippers, waiting patiently.  Soon, all would be complete!!!!

Edited November 10, 2015 by Frezon

[Lord Frezon]

Chapter 3

 

 

The Mind Ship, recently named Steve due to a bizarre temporal anomaly, plummeted through the atmosphere of Sphereus Magna. Solek held the steering wheel with a vise grip, screaming like a banshee and causing the ears of everyone on the ship to bleed profusely. The ship continued to drop like a stone, then hit the ground with a sickeni-

 

“Solek!” yelled Professor Song.

 

“Uh, yes, the cube of two sides of a right triangle is equal to the ninth power of the third.

 

“Correct. I won’t have to let the Giant Shark eat you.”

 

“awwwww…” muttered Giant Shark, swimming away through the air.

 

Solek breathed easier. Dr. Song was known for being a complete psychopath, so escaping her class was a feat. He walked out whistling, when he saw his roommate, Shadow Leech

 

“Yo, wassup man???” Solek yelled happily. He and the leech did their secret handshake, a difficult procedure due to the leech’s lack of hands.

 

“Not much bro, just heading down to that pyramid off campus. Apparently they’ve got some Silence trapped in cages.”

 

“Sounds sweet bro! See you tonight in the room!” Solek walked off, whistling, only to be confronted by this nerdy kid, Osram. “Move it dork, I’m on my way to be cool,” Solek said.

 

“Do you even have a clue as to what’s happening?” Osram asked, sounding very rude and condescending; both of which were offenses severe enough to warrant Solek shoving his head into a vat of molten protodermis.

 

Then, he couldn’t believe his luck. The most popular guy in school was walking straight toward him, surrounded by his harem of chicks. It was Solek’s big break. He could finally get into the big leagues and start hooking up with someone other than Gavla.

 

“Hey there Kirop, the awesome, how are you doing today?” Solek asked, kowtowing before his Sensei in awesome.

 

“Solek, something weird is happening” Kirop said nervously as the girls around him giggled. “Everyone seems to think I’m some sort of “Stud” and is asking me for tips on how to be popular.”

 

“Well, yeah, they would because you are the epitome of all that is awesome, the all mighty and the immortal Kirop.” Solek hoped that his complements and groveling would finally allow him to ascend to a higher social caste, and figured that Kirop’s uncertainty was a test that he had to pass.

 

“I don’t know Solek. I’m gonna ask Osram what’s up”

 

“Oh, I dunked that loser in molten protodermis. You can read all about it above.”

 

“Whaaaaaat?!?!? Poor Osram!” Kirop began to cry like a banshee, warping Solek’s mind back to the real world, where he and the rest of the crew were in the Mind Ship, recently Realatorized and sent back in time to the Leech’s world. Unfortunately for the crew, they were in the crashed remains of the Mind Ship, and Carapar and Weapon were nowhere to be seen.

 

“Well, that sucked”, muttered Solek, brushing shards of Dalek armor off his body. “Well, we made it boys!”

 

“Yeah, and we’re trapped here unless we find another time machine.” Osram’s bag of money had not been Realatorized, and thus he was even more depressed then normal.

 

“Don’t worry. Once we kill the Leech we can live our lives and make millions playing the lottery.”

 

“Kill the leech?” asked Shadow Leech, who was hovering behind our heroes eating nachos, “Oh, you wanted to kill my past self, didn’t you?”

 

“Kinda, yeah,” Solek admitted, stalling for time as he tried to figure out how the heck the Leech had followed them back in time.

 

“Well you’re too late! Because I killed him already!”

 

To be continued…

[Light]

Grammer/PunctuationI noticed quite a bit of bad spelling in this. Examples include "detainls" and "complements". Other bad errors include using the wrong word for the meaning you're trying to convey, usually just about one or two letters off, like "of" instead of "off". Some places you're missing capitalization, others periods and the like. I suggest this often, but it still rings true: Proofread. The more proofreading you do the more likely you are to catch little mistakes.You get %40 for this category. Needs improvement.HumorUnfortunately, the situation here isn't much better than the one with your grammar. I had a hard time focusing on the comedy due to the grammar, but the humor left a bit to be desired. The only part I really laughed at was the bit about the shapeshifter. You need a bit more wit: The other jokes seemed like they were trying too hard.%40Writing StyleShorten your sentences. Trust me, the long ones can really be cut into chunks. Your comedy will have more rhythm, and the humor will flow easier. Also, I'd cut out on the slang. "Kowtowing" and "Sensei" are really distracting, and that part was a bit hard to read. Those just kept bugging me, making it hard to concentrate on the comedy.%35.PlotThe plot is good, I guess. It's a bit stereotypical, but the addition of the school element helps defray most of that. This is the section that you need the least improvement on, seeing as there aren't any plot holes (apart from however the Leech time traveled with the others).%70Overall: 45/100.

[Lord Frezon]

Thanks for the review. Points taken.

 

 

 

Chapter 4 (aka the last chapter)

 

“Muahahahahahah!” laughed the leech as he ascended towards his blimp, mace curled in his… tail? I really need to work these details out before I start writing… “Oh Solek, I almost feel sorry for you. Almost!”

 

“Ok, what the *15 curse words, all censored by moderators* is going on here?” Osram asked, annoyed at his censorship and the apparent time paradox that had been created.

 

“It’s very simple Osram,” the leech responded. “I easily found out about Solek’s plan because I put a bug on him before I escaped from the last epic battle that never happened. Then, I stole the TARDIS and went back to my college years, where I arrived 15 minutes ago, enough time to raise an army, buy my own private blimp, and kill my past self and take his place. Well, I really only wanted to make out with him but things got carried away.”

 

“You are literally the most psychotic being on the planet,” Solek said, “You couldn’t even stop yourself from killing yourself.”

 

“True,” the leech admitted as the elevator finally reached his blimp, “But it was too good an opportunity to pass up!”

 

“So, now what?” Solek asked

 

“Now, you and I have a fight to the death to determine the fate of the universe while our armies who really hold the key to the universe clash uselessly.”

 

“Sounds cool!” Kirop said excitedly, grabbing a machete and running carelessly into battle, where he was slaughtered instantly by an Elite with an energy sword.

 

“Oh, no, please, help him someone blah blah,” Solek muttered by rote as he rose toward the leech’s balloon on a solid light escalator.

 

“Wait a second,” Osram said, “That’s the exact same passage that happened before the last epic battle. Did Frezon really just copy and paste that into this story?”

 

“That must be the time paradox beginning to destroy the universe,” the Leech said nonchalantly. “These things tend to happen near temporal ruptures.”

 

“There has to be a way to repair the universe somehow!” Solek yelled, back on the ground next to the (surprisingly) still living Kirop.

 

“Oh there is,” Shadow Leech said happily, “But you won’t like it.”

 

“What is it? Just tell me!”

 

“IT IS IRRELEVANT” roared a voice with caps lock on from behind the rubble of Steve the Mind Ship.

 

“Oh great, who is this now,” muttered Solek, turning around to see Carapar and Weapon, both wearing elaborate robes, armor, and masks and carrying Forerunner Suppressors.

 

“Our time is ascendant!” yelled Weapon raising his unarmed-arm and clenching his fist. “Our long years of hiding are finished and we shall rise as rulers of this universe!”

 

“Wait, you guys can speak English?” Kirop asked, confused. “And what about the temporal parathingie that Solek was talking about?”

 

“Temporal paradoxes will do nothing to halt our ascendancy!” Carapar roared, as he and Weapon began to levitate. “We will mold your decaying husk of a universe into a new model that shall satisfy our needs before we wage war throughout all of existence.”

 

“Woah dudes,” Shadow Leech said, looking rather offended, “I’m pretty sure that, like, violates Geneva or something.”

 

“Forget them!” yelled Solek, “Just tell me how I can stop the universe from crumbling!”

 

“Very well. You’ll have to allow me to live and take my recently deceased self’s place so I can live out my life in peace. Then you will have to go back to when you decided to time travel back and stop yourself from doing that. The addition of those two temporal paradoxes should ensure that the universe is all paradoxed out and will continue as normal.”

 

“That makes literally no sense,” remarked Osram as dark storm clouds formed and beams of time energy began to eradicate the world around them.

 

“Fine, whatever, just get me my Vahi and I’ll go back to my time and do all that stuff. Let’s hurry guys!” Solek turned to run back to Steve the Mind Ship before Carapar interrupted him.

 

“Your Vahi? Do you mean- this?” with a dramatic flourish and a cloud of doves, Carapar pulled the Vahi out of his sleeve and held it in front of him.

 

“Yeah, more or less, that. Can I have it back?”

 

“Oh, I think not!” With that, Carapar summoned one red mana and Crushed the Vani in his claw causing the universe to morph into an enormous temporal drain, which the universe into a point the size of a needle, forming an enormous black hole which began to destroy the rest of existence.

 

“I always love it when this happens!” the Leech said milliseconds before he and everything else was annihilated.

 

 

To be continued….. In part 3….

[MT Zehvor]

Grammer/PunctuationI noticed quite a bit of bad spelling in this.

Don't take any offense, but I found this to be a bit humorous.

 

Anyways, this is definitely an improving comedy. The changes made from the first three chapters to the most recent are all positives, and I enjoyed reading the first half or so of chapter 4 quite a bit. It's a bit random, but randomness is something you get a sense for as time goes on, and I personally enjoy some randomness here and there, so no worries.

 

The last half of chapter 4 was rather confusing(at least, to me), and I didn't think they were quite as humorous as the first half. I'm also not entirely sure what this line:

 

“Oh, no, please, help him someone blah blah,” Solek muttered by rote as he rose toward the leech’s balloon on a solid light escalator.

meant.

 

For what it's worth, that's where I started to lose track of things.

 

But this is still a good start you've got here. If you don't mind, I'd like to stick around and keep reviewing this. Only if you're ok with me giving my opinions, though.

 

-MT

[Lord Frezon]

That line would make sense if you read Solek's story part 1. Essentially Solek said it because in a lot of movies the sidekick dies and it's super emotional, but here Solek doesn't care about Kirop, so he just said it because it's expected of the hero to mourn his buddies that die in battle.

 

But yeah, keep reviewing, though it will probably be in another thread because I'm writing part 3 in another thread...eventually...