Firespitter-Review

[The Great Spirit DM]

I've long been toying with the concepts of alternate dimensions in BIONICLE and, especially, what happens when characters cross over. So this is my first attempt at making an epic here on BZP, and it's based on my musings.

 

I hope you all enjoy!

Link:
http://www.bzpower.com/board/topic/25295-firespitter/

[RAMPANT]

I'm really liking the premise, and I look forward to reading more.

[Gifthammer]

I agree, it's interesting to read such a close parallel of the comics' text and know it's coming from wiser eyes this time.

[Toa of Italy]

I liked the first chapter and I didn't like the second one.

 

The story begins rather abruptly, which suggests that you won't spend any time explaining why Vakama ended up in the alternate dimension: your focus is on the alternate universe itself and ultimately this is not a bad thing, for it means the plot will be relatively streamlined, avoiding unnecessary complications. However, it does seem a bit unrealistic that upon falling into the other dimension Vakama immediately accepts the situation, without the slightest disorientation and without even contemplating the possibility of getting back to his own universe.

 

That said, the premises are undoubtedly promising: Vakama wants to use his experience and his knowledge of what is to come so as to accomplish what he failed to do the first time he was a Toa Metru, that is save the city itself. It'll be interesting to see how this foreknowledge of his comes to light in the following chapters and what he'll use it for.

 

The second chapter, though, did not convince me. The dialogue just doesn't seem to work: Vakama simply telling the other Matoran to place the stones in the Suva to become Toa is too direct, it lacks the emotion that should characterize such a situation; instead of being puzzled, the Matoran simply listen to an academic explanation of what a Toa Stone is and then follow Vakama's instructions without question.

 

It is true that the end result (the five Matoran becoming Toa Metru) is ultimately the same, but I think you should consider slowing down a bit and embellishing the text with some more dialogue, which might not be essential to the plot's progress but would give the characters a greater depth and ultimately make the whole story more realistic.

 

That said, the epic does have potential; when new chapters appear I'll be sure to check them out.

Edited October 27, 2017 by Toa of Italy

[The Great Spirit DM]

I liked the first chapter and I didn't like the second one.

 

The story begins rather abruptly, which suggests that you won't spend any time explaining why Vakama ended up in the alternate dimension: your focus is on the alternate universe itself and ultimately this is not a bad thing, for it means the plot will be relatively streamlined, avoiding unnecessary complications. However, it does seem a bit unrealistic that upon falling into the other dimension Vakama immediately accepts the situation, without the slightest disorientation and without even contemplating the possibility of getting back to his own universe.

 

That said, the premises are undoubtedly promising: Vakama wants to use his experience and his knowledge of what is to come so as to accomplish what he failed to do the first time he was a Toa Metru, that is save the city itself. It'll be interesting to see how this foreknowledge of his comes to light in the following chapters and what he'll use it for.

 

The second chapter, though, did not convince me. The dialogue just doesn't seem to work: Vakama simply telling the other Matoran to place the stones in the Suva to become Toa is too direct, it lacks the emotion that should characterize such a situation; instead of being puzzled, the Matoran simply listen to an academic explanation of what a Toa Stone is and then follow Vakama's instructions without question.

 

It is true that the end result (the five Matoran becoming Toa Metru) is ultimately the same, but I think you should consider slowing down a bit and embellishing the text with some more dialogue, which might not be essential to the plot's progress but would give the characters a greater depth and ultimately make the whole story more realistic.

 

That said, the epic does have potential; when new chapters appear I'll be sure to check them out.

Thanks for pointing out that flaw in the second chapter. I should definitely revise that at some point.

[The Great Spirit DM]

Forums are back, so I thought I'd write a new chapter.

Enjoy!