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World Domination 101


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#1 Offline The Darkest Chronicler

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 07:27 PM

This is a comedy co-written by.... The master of chaos, and creator of evil masterminds!.... BIOBEAST99 And some other guy, The Dark Chronicler, I think that was his name. This comedy is based off of our RPG characters, but if you don't play the BZPRPG, don't worry! The story has no connections to it, except the included characters. Plus, as an added bonus, expect a Comical commercial in the center of each chapter! BioBeast has decided my 'Post whenever' deadline for chapters won't work for this, so expect a new chapter monthly. So now, I present for your reading... CHAPTER 1!

Miha flopped down in the grass under a large tree, thinking to herself about how wonderful the day was. The sun was out and shining brightly, illuminating the entire park. A small squirrel Rahi skittered past happily, holding a large nut in it's mouth. Miha watched the creature, before acting. The Rahi ran as fast as it could as the Matoran chased after it, trying to catch it. The little squirrel was fast, but Miha was faster. Grabbing the little Rahi, she shouted. "Hey Virthee, check out what I caught!" From nearby, where he was talking to Berani, the Toa of fire dashed over. "What is it Miha?" "I caught this!" She held up the creature, which had a little foam dripping from it's mouth. "Miha, you had better let that Rahi go, it looks rather... ill." "Ok, but I want to show Tethrah and Icarin first!" "Miha, you really should let it go quickly." Two large, sad eyes stared up at Virthee. "Please?" Virthee sighed, knowing he couldn't win. "Alright, but be quick about it." Miha ran off to show the other two Toa, with Virthee shaking his head. He didn't understand why she couldn't just play with something safe. The Le-Matoran ran up to Tethrah, waving the creature around wildly. "Tethrah, Tethrah! Check out what I caught." The Toa of stone turned his head to look at the creature, which stared back with savage eyes. "Aww, it's so cute! You must have caught it in the middle of brushing it's teeth." He pointed at the foam. "Yeah, I think I did." Miha laughed, running off to show Icarin. "Icarin, check this out!" Miha shouted, and the Toa of ice cringed."What is it this time Miha?" The Toa asked. "Going to try to kill me again? Take over the world again? Or dare I even suggest,” Icarin shuddered. “Try cooking again?" "No, not today. Today I caught a Rahi!" She held up the rabid creature for Icarin to see. "Eugh, that thing has rabies!" "Rabies?" "A highly deadly disease." Icarin explained. "Oh, is that why Virthee said I should let it go?" "Yes, now get that disgusting creature away from me!" "Well, Virthee said I should let him go." Miha replied, a small grin growing on her face. Icarin screamed as the rabid animal was thrown into his face. "Get it off of me! Virthee! Help!" AND NOW FOR A COMMERCIAL FROM OUR SPONSORS! A silver and red being stands staring at the screen. "Ever found yourself needing destructive weapons and had no idea where to go?" The being smiles in a friendly manor. "Look no further! At Junkyard Industries, we make sure all weapons are of highest quality." An explosion can be heard in the background. "Hm, we seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties, but that won't slow us down!" Suddenly, the wall behind the being bursts into flames and explodes. "Remember, Junkyard industries for all your weaponry needs!" As the commercial fades, a chunk of the roof falls, hitting the being over the head. The Toa of fire ran over, grabbing the creature and letting it down on the ground. The rabbid squirrel dashed off into the bushes, leaving the other Toa unharmed. "Icarin, you really should be more careful with wild animals!" Virthee exclaimed. Icarin snarled at Miha. "She threw the thing at me!" Tethrah walked up laughing. "I saw the whole thing! The creature leaped from Miha's arms all the way up on his face!" "She attacked me with it!" Icarin protested. Virthee shook his head, laughing. "Icarin, be serious. She wouldn't do something like that!" "SHE DID!" Icarin screamed, angry no one believed him. "No I didn't, you wanted to see it, so I loosened my grip, then it attacked you." Miha smiled, looking innocent. Virthee shook his head. "Come on, all of you. We should be heading back home." Icarin and Miha glared daggers at each other. "I'll go find Berani, then we can go." Virthee commented. "And Icarin, you really should apologize for accusing Miha like that." As Virthee walked off, MIha's smile grew. "I wonder why it attacked you?" "I can give a reason, you no goo-" Icarin began. "I bet it was because you interrupted him brushing his teeth." Tethrah suggested. "I know I would be mad if it happened to me." Chronn watched the four Toa and and a Matoran leave the park, they held no interest to him. His job was a simple one. Someone was plotting to take over the world, and they were in this town. Wherever they were, whoever they were, Chronn would catch them, and bring them down. Suddenly, a savage squirrel lept out of the bushes at him with blinding speed. In one swift motion, Chronn's staff struck the squirrel and sent it flying into the air. Nearby, the squirrel landed on Icarin, who started screaming again. Chronn took no notice, keeping his eyes open for any suspicious behavior. "You're going to slip up, and when you do, I'm going to find you." "Why are you talking to that tree?" A Toa of fire asked. "The bushes are much better listeners." "What?" Chronn remarked, staring at the strange Toa. "Yeah, the trees are rude and ignore you, but not the bushes!" "Who are you?" Questioned Chronn. The Toa suddenly grabbed and shook Chronn's hand. "My names Fiva, nice to meet you, Treetalker." "My name is Chronn, you moron. I've been sent to hunt down a suspected evil mastermind in the area." "Really? I'm one of the local police!" "Oh Mata Nui, please let it not be true." Chronn begged. "Here, see my badge!" Fiva laughed, showing the badge to Chronn. "I'm not getting payed enough for this." "Want a Taco?"


Edited by The Dark Chronicler, Oct 14 2011 - 10:59 AM.

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#2 Offline Ice cream JL

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 10:23 PM

Junkyard Industries: HiPor Outlet! Yeah! Anyways, I'll be waiting for world Domination. Hehehe. Hey! This is my 101th post! Fitting....

Edited by Jl1223 X, Oct 13 2011 - 10:32 PM.

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#3 Offline bioniclehero01

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 10:20 AM

Hey! Do not call the tree's rude!! I dare you!! :P Anwyays, great chapter. I loved the commercial interruption there... That was absolutely hillarious. P.S. TO THE NUIMOBILE!! :tohu:
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Nothin' to see here folks. Just keep movin' along.


#4 Offline The Darkest Chronicler

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 08:33 AM

Anyways, I'll be waiting for world Domination. Hehehe.

Oh, don't worry. The first chapter is just to get people to know the characters a little, introduce them. The World domination begins in chapter 2, which BioBeast has written.

Hey! Do not call the tree's rude!! I dare you!!

I didn't call them rude! Fiva did! I'm innocent of all crimes!

Anwyays, great chapter.

Thanks! I wrote this one and BioBeast edited it.

I loved the commercial interruption there... That was absolutely hillarious.

Thank you! I think the commercial was BioBeast's idea.

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#5 Offline Mad Scientist BioBeast

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 08:56 AM

Well, as TDC said this is a comedy written by both myself and him. He shall be writing the odd chapters and I shall be writing the even ones. Now, without further adu, I present:

CHAPTER 2“Thanks for taking us to the park Icarin!” Tethrah said as he sat under a tree with the Toa of Ice. “I know you don’t like this place ever since those incidents with the squirrel that was brushing it’s teeth.” Icarin shrugged then looked around. “Where’d Miha go? She isn’t trying to throw another squirrel at me is she?” “Again? She hasn’t thrown one at you.” Tethrah said confused. “You can’t blame her for that one squirrel, it just didn’t seem to like you.” Miha looked around. This was the place, Junkyard Industries. She opened the door and entered the shop. Junkyard, the owner welcomed her, “Ahh, Miha! My favorite customer. What can I do for you?” “Do you have any killer robots?” “Do I? I have tons!” Junkyard said with a grin.

“Great!” Miha said, beaming at her luck. “How much?” “I’d say around…” Junkyard tapped his chin in thought. “Ninety thousand will do.” Miha held out a credit card. “Icarin won’t mind paying for this.” “Alright, if that’s all they’re in the back.” AND NOW FOR ANOTHER COMMERCIAL FROM OUR SPONSORS!How many times has this happened to you? You're happily cooking steak and the grill catches on fire and explodes. You’ve got another twenty yards of steak to cook and have nothing to grill it on. What do you do? Introducing Hand Grill, a portable pocket sized grill that let’s you continue grilling, even if your original explodes. Hand Grill, never be unprepared. A large pounding echoed through the town. Icarin started out of his sleep to find that Tethrah was gone along with Miha. And there were robots heading towards the city. Icarin sighed. “It’s one of these days,” he mumbled as he headed towards the house. “This is so much fun!” Tethrah shouted to Miha as the two rode the robots towards the town. “Yep!” Miha shouted back as the robots started smoking and slowed to a halt. “Why did the robots stop?” Tethrah called to Miha. “I don’t know!” Miha responded. “Soo…” Fiva said as he and Chronn headed towards Junkyard Industries. “Why are we going here? I’d rather go to a Mexican restaurant. Or a doughnut shop.” I’m going here because I have a lead that Junkyard might be supplying the evil mastermind with the technology to take over the world.” Chronn said, annoyed as he strode ahead of Fiva. “I have no idea why you’re coming with me.” “Well, I was going to meet my buddy Zyck at the Mexican restaurant, but I’m sure he won’t mind waiting a bit.” Fiva answered as they arrived at Junkyard Industries. Chronn burst through the door. “Junkyard? This is the police, put your hands in the air!” “What?” Junkyard cried, tossing a remote into a nearby bin. “What do you want?” “I have a lead that you’ve been helping a evil mastermind conquer this world. Is that true?” Chronn asked as he started looking for any incriminating evidence.“I sold some guns to some people, some robot’s to others, but I’m not responsible for what they do with them, it’s in my contract. But if you have some money…” Junkyard offered with a sly grin. “What’s this do?” Fiva asked as he picked up the remote that Junkyard had tossed away. “It control’s my killer robots. If you want it it’s just a few thousand dollars!” Junkyard answered, ever the salesman. “I’m going to play around with it before I buy it. Where would I find some killer robots?” Fiva said with a grin. “Fine, but if you break it, you bought it at double the price.” Junkyard warned as Fiva ran outside. “Now, as I was saying… If you have the money, I can tell you who your mastermind is.” “Fine.” Chronn put some money in front of the greedy shopkeeper. “Now who is it?” “It’s-“ Junkyard was interrupted by Fiva as he came into the room.”Man this thing works great! I hit the stop button and they stopped, then I hit the dance button and they danced, I hit the grill button and they grilled steak, it was amazing!” Fiva yelled to the two inside the store. “VIRTHEE!” Icarin yelled as he burst into the house. “Miha’s at it again! There’s giant robots just outside the city! Come out and look!” Virthee turned around. “Icarin, really? Could Miha really do something like that? I know you still blame her for your sciurophobia, and your therapy for sciurophobia, but that’s no reason to drag me into this.” Icarin just grabbed Virthee’s hand and started dragging him towards the door. “You’ll see!” “Hey Miha, I don’t think they’re doing what we want them to anymore.” Tethrah warned as he started to climb down. “I think I’m ready to go home now.” Miha glared, someone was messing up her plans. She slid down from her perch. “Yeah, let’s just go home.” She said as she and Tethrah started on the walk back home. “Hey, what’s this button do?” Fiva asked as he pushed a large red button on the remote. “That would be the self destruction button.” Junkyard informed Fiva as all the robots around the city imploded. The remote in Fiva’s hands also imploded, leaving a bit of dust where it once was. “That’ll be $18000 please.” Junkyard informed with a smile. “So who did it, who bought the large robots?” Chronn asked frantically. “Can’t tell you, that self-destruct button destroyed my computer on which the data is stored.” Junkyard answered with a shrug. “But thanks for the donation for the new one!” he said, grabbing all the money that Chronn had put down. Fiva came up to Junkyard. “Here’s a credit card, put my bill on that.” Fiva said with a grimace. “I hope Zyck doesn’t mind paying for this…” Icarin pulled Virthee out of the house, displaying the sky with the robot’s in plain sight. “See that Virthee?” he asked. “See, I told you!” Virthee blinked as his eyes got used to the brightness. As Virthee’s vision cleared the robots imploded, leaving nothing but dust. “Alright, what robots? All I see is the sky.” Virthee said, getting a bit impatient. “Can I go now?” Icarin said nothing as he stood, looking at where the robots had once been in disbelief.

”ARGH!” Zyckel groaned in frustration. “Fiva’s late again! Why do I even hang out with that moron?” Zyckel asked himself as he got up from the Mexican doughnut shop. He walked over to where he was supposed to pay and took out his credit card and handed it to the waitress.

The waitress stared at it and gave it back. “Sorry, but you can’t pay with an IOU.” She told him.

“What?” he asked as he looked at the card. It was made of cardboard and said in bright red letters,

“Thanks Zyck! I owe you one!

– Fiva”

“FIVA!”


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"I'll do it...  If that is the choice of Stein's Gate!

I am the mad scientist, Hououin Kyouma!

Fooling the world is nothing to me!"


#6 Offline Ice cream JL

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Posted Oct 20 2011 - 03:03 PM

Huh. That seems like Phineas and Ferb. Get super pro invention, someone tries to tell them off, and just barely fail. Good chapter, and I like your sponsors. Maybe I'll contact them for my comedy. :3
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#7 Offline Mad Scientist BioBeast

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Posted Oct 21 2011 - 11:25 AM

Huh. That seems like Phineas and Ferb. Get super pro invention, someone tries to tell them off, and just barely fail.

Yeah, we based the series after the idea of making a Phineas-and-Ferb-like comedy. But it's gonna be a bit different later on.

Good chapter, and I like your sponsors. Maybe I'll contact them for my comedy. :3

Yeah, I've been needing a Hand Grill recently. Maybe I should contact them too. :P

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"I'll do it...  If that is the choice of Stein's Gate!

I am the mad scientist, Hououin Kyouma!

Fooling the world is nothing to me!"


#8 Offline The Darkest Chronicler

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Posted Oct 21 2011 - 11:32 AM

Chapter 3 Miha sat in the park, staring up at the large tree, lost in thought. Tethrah was asleep, leaning against the other side of the tree. "Hey Tethrah, I just had an Idea!" Miha cheered. Tethrah merely rolled over in his sleep. "Tethrah Tethrah Tethrah Tethrah!" The Toa of stone awoke with a start. "No Virthee, I didn't drink all of your cough syrup thinking it was fruit juice!" "Tethrah! I have the perfect Idea! We should build me an evil-er, good lair up in this tree!" Miha announced, happy about her idea. "So you want a tree house?" Tethrah asked, scratching his chin. "I think I can help with that." Miha grinned deviously, chuckling to herself. "Honestly Icarin, don't you see anything wrong with trying to get Miha in trouble for things she isn't doing?" Virthee questioned, slightly irritated. "I told you, the mind controlled squirrel army was REAL!" "Icarin, this is just a result of your sciurophobia. There were no evil squirrels." "AAH! Why won't you listen to me!?" "Ah Miha, what do you need today?" Junkyard grinned, leaning on the counter. "First, who ruined my robots?" Miha remarked. The salesman Makuta rolled a widjet along his fingers. "You know, I don't give out information... for free." Two large, cute eyes stared up at Junkyard. "Sorry, that doesn't work on me." Junkyard chuckled, tapping his metal chest. "Heartless, in more ways than one." Miha glared up at the Makuta. "When I take over the universe, you're going in the dungeon." This caused Junkyard to laugh loudly. "All right, I'll tell you. It was some detective, don't quite remember his name..." "Hm... interesting." Miha noted. "Now, what can I get in the way of Automatic Turrets?" Junkyard lifted up part of the counter, letting Miha into the back of the store. "They're in the third room on the left, I've got more turrets than a Death Star!" "Death star?" "Never mind." AND NOW FOR A COMMERCIAL FROM OUR SPONSORS! Ever had to face off against deadly assassins out to kill you and your family? Ever been in a fight to the death with the entire army of an intergalactic empire? Or just tryed to survive a day as a preschool teacher? Then you need.... Zyckel's armor! The finest, toughest armor available! Made by a cop, able to stand up against nearly anything! Buy some of Zyckel's armor today!Armor guaranteed to stand up against Ninjas and armies, not guaranteed to withstand preschoolers Chronn watched Junkyard Industries carefully, seeing no one inside. "So, who are you little Matoran, are you the mastermind?" He was interrupted by a crunching sound beside him. Fiva was happily munching away on take-out Tacos, and making quite a lot of noise. "Stop eating you fool! I am trying to concentrate here!" He saw something moving. Someone was leaving, he was about to catch a glimpse of who was possibly the mastermind. Suddenly, a Taco blocked Chronn's view. "Want a Taco" Chronn smacked the Taco away, but it was too late. Whoever had left Junkyard industries, was gone. "You incompetent fool!" "Don't get so grouchy, all you had to say was 'no'!" Icarin slipped silently through the park, heading for the large tree. He knew Miha was up to something, she always was. There in the distance, he saw it. But something was wrong. Sitting in the branches, was a well-built wooden Tree house. Tethrah and Miha were sitting under the tree, drinking lemonade. "Hi Icarin, what do you think of Miha's new treehouse?" Tethrah asked, wiping sweat from his Kanohi. "I think it's great! It means Miha isn't trying to take over the world today!" "Good, good." Tethrah sighed, rolling over and quickly going back to sleep. Miha smirked, pressing a button on a remote control. Heat ray turrets burst from the walls, blasting Icarin with intense heat. Icarin ran screaming, his armor on fire, to the nearest pond. "Can't take over the world without a good evil lair." Miha whispered, leaning back against the tree. "VIRTHEE! She's created an evil lair in the tree!" Icarin screamed, dashing up to the Toa of fire. "You mean the treehouse Tethrah was building for her?" "Yes, and it shoots fire!" "... Icarin, why is your armor burnt?" Virthee asked. "Did you get in another fight?" "GAHH!! BERANI! Miha's created an evil lair in the tree!" Icarin shouted, dashing over to the Toa of earth. Berani sighed as Icarin tried to drag her to the tree-house. "Alright, I'll see this 'evil lair'." Icarin ran up to the treehouse, with Berani not far behind. "Go ahead Miha, do your worst!" He closed his eyes, waiting for the fiery pain. Nothing happened. Miha just leaned her head out the tree-house window. "Go away!" "What's the matter, afraid your evil will be exposed!? Too scared? You'll never be able to take over the world, coward!" Blasts of heat shot out, and Icarin barely dodged in time. Berani's eyes went wide, and she turned to Icarin. Both dashed toward the house, shouting. "VIRTHEE! VIRTHEE! VIRTHEE! VIRTHEE!" Virthee was pulled along by two frantic Toa, shouting gibberish about Miha's tree house being evil. When they reached the tree, all that was left was a burning wreck in the branches of the tree. "Virthee, Help! Lightning stuck my tree house! It's on fire!" Miha screamed, as Tethrah was running back and forth with buckets of water. Virthee pulled the fire away from the tree house, but it was too late to save it. "I'm sorry Miha, I don't know how this could have happened!" Miha sighed, looking up at her burnt base. "I bet it was somehow Icarin's fault." "Bullseye!" Fiva laughed! "The source of the intense heat has been destroyed!" Small arcs of lightning still lanced from Chronn's fingertips. "I think we can agree on something, the Mastermind is using this park, but why?"


Edited by The Dark Chronicler, Oct 21 2011 - 11:37 AM.

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#9 Offline Mad Scientist BioBeast

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Posted Oct 27 2011 - 01:29 PM

CHAPTER 4 “Ugh,” Miha groaned as she tossed away a blueprint for one of her ideas. “All these are technological. It’s green week and I need a good environmentally safe plan.” Miha grumbled as another two plans got tossed away. She picked up another plan and smiled. “This one will do.” She raised her voice, “Virthee! I’m going to the pet store! I’ll take Icarin with me!“Okay! Be safe!” Virthee yelled back to the small matoran.“And that’s how I became a policeman.” Fiva finished with a smile.”Really?” Chronn asked as they waited in-front of Junkyard Industries. “Cause I don’t remember asking you. And for the fifth time would you keep it down! I’m trying to figure out who this evil mastermind is. All of his/her plots end up having originated from this ship, so it’s obvious if we stakeout this building we’ll eventually find out who it is.”“Rrrright… So, you want to hear something interesting?” Fiva said, not listening to Chronn. “A Chimichanga , also known as chivichanga or chimmy chonga is a deep-fried burrito that is popular in Southwestern U.S. cuisine, Tex-Mex cuisine, and the Mexican states of Sinaloa and Sonora. The dish is typically prepared by filling a flour tortilla with a wide range of ingredients, most commonly beans, rice, cheese, shredded beef, carne adobada, or shredded chicken, and folding it into a rectangular package. It is then deep-fried and can be accompanied with salsa, guacamole, sour cream and/or cheese. Although no official records indicate when the dish first appeared, retired University of Arizona folklorist Jim Griffith recalls seeing chimichangas at the Yaqui Old Pascua Village in Tucson in the mid-1950s.”“What?” Chronn asked looking at Fiva strangely.“Nothing… Just thought that our viewers would appreciate that.” Fiva said waving at the person reading this.“Wha… Never mind. Why don’t you go get us some food?” Chronn asked, hoping to get Fiva away from him.“Okay!” Fiva said, rushing towards the closest restaurant.“So why do I need to be with you Miha?” Icarin asked as they entered the pet store. “You know that we can’t own another Kikanalo after what happened to the last one.”“I know.” Miha said with a grin. “But Virthee said nothing about Stone Snakes.”“No way. I have the money and there’s no way that I’m getting you a…” Icarin looked at Miha, whose grin had gotten even wider and wider. “You stole my credit card again didn’t you?”“Yep.” Miha said, her grin as large as it could get.“And there’s squirrels right behind me that want to kill me, aren’t there?”“Yep.”“Have fun with your snakes. I’m going to therapy.” Icarin said as he ran screaming out the door of the shop, squirrels clawing at his mask all the way.

AND NOW FOR YET ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK FOR OUR SPONSORS. (They’re very needy.)Has this ever happened to you? Your in the desert, chugging water like a camel and then, you’re all out. You have another two hundred miles of desert to go and no more water. We have the product for you, Insta-Water! Insta-Water comes in a pouch, and only requires three simple steps!1.Open the pouch.2.Add water.3.Have a thirst quenching drink!!!It’s that simple! Remember, when you are out-a’-water, try Insta-Water.“Alright Tethrah here’s the game.” Miha said with a smile. “You try to make these rock snakes right here into something that I could use in a movie. But they’re the bad guys so they have to look evil. And don’t forget the large fangs.”“Are you sure that a movie producer promised that if I did this I’d get a huge sandwich?” Tethrah asked hesitantly.“Yep.” Miha answered with a smile. “Wake me up when you’re done please and I’ll take them right to the producer.”“Miha! They’re done!” Tethrah said, shaking Miha awake.“Good. I’ll go take them to the producer now.” Miha said with a grin. She put mind control helmets onto the snakes and rode them into the town. She finally arrived at the sandwich shop. “Tethrah is so easy to trick.” She laughed to herself as she waited in line. “He actually thought that a movie man hired him. Ha!”“Excuse me mam.” A Toa of Fire said to her. “But why are you talking to the tables? The chairs listen much better.”“Oh, no reason.” Miha replied, looking strangely at the Toa of Fire. “Just felt like it. Those snakes of mine out there don’t listen very well at all.”“Snakes? Can I go look?” The Toa of Fire(whose name is Fiva by the way) asked Miha.“It costs $10, Just don’t touch them.” Miha said with a sigh.“Okay!” Fiva replied, handing Miha the $10 as he headed outside.Fiva arrived outside to see the large stone snakes, larger than most buildings to be precise, just waiting for Miha to return. “Snakes,” he muttered in disgust. “Why did it have to be snakes?”A walking passerby shrugged. "Why not snakes? Snakes are our friends. They eat harmful pests, like you.""Because I! Don't! Like! Snakes!" And with that he threw fireballs at the snakes.The solid stone creatures slowly melted away into pools of lava, reducing their numbers to zero.And with that done, Fiva went on his merry way back to annoy Chronn some more.Miha came out of the sandwich shop with a large sandwich. “Alright snakes one, two, and three, let’s take this to Tethrah, then take over the universe! Muhahaha...ha...ha?” She looked around, baffled at where the snakes could have gone. “Snakes? Where are you guys? Snakes!? Snaaakes!!”

END


Edited by Noble Knight BioBeast, Oct 27 2011 - 01:31 PM.

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"I'll do it...  If that is the choice of Stein's Gate!

I am the mad scientist, Hououin Kyouma!

Fooling the world is nothing to me!"


#10 Offline The Darkest Chronicler

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Posted Oct 31 2011 - 07:56 AM

Miha stared up at the tree, sighing with boredom. Her package was supposed to have arrived yesterday. It wasn't usual for Junkyard's shipments to be late. Maybe it had gotten lost in the mail. Suddenly, Junkyard came dashing up to the Matoran, flopping down in the grass. "Sorry the shipment took so long, someone had bugged my transport van." Miha grabbed her package from Junkyard and started tearing it open. "I had to run all the way to my supplier, then run back here." "Did anyone find out it was for me?" Miha asked, visually searching the surroundings. "No, Customer anonymity is one of our highest priorities at Junkyard Industries." "Good." She handed Junkyard Icarin's credit card. The Makuta swiped the card through part of his arm armor, which produced a ca-ching sound. "Have a nice day Miha, and good luck!" Miha watched the Makuta run off as she finished opening the package. Inside were three lead boxes. "Hey Tethrah, know what I want to play today?" Tethrah walked over, eating an ice-cream cone. "What do you want to play today?" The kindhearted Toa had no idea what he was getting into. "Today we should to play astronauts!" Miha smiled happily, grinning sinisterly on the inside. "I just don't understand it! How does this mastermind keep evading me!" Chronn shouted, pacing in frustration. "I don't know, maybe it's because you're talking to a tree again." Fiva suggested, sitting on a park bench nearby. 'What am I missing, there must be some clue I haven't noticed." Then he stopped, grinning slightly. "What I need is someone the mastermind trusts, so I can find out who they are..." "But wouldn't you need to know who the mastermind is to know who it trusts?" Fiva suggested, actually saying something logical. "Fiva, I believe you have just made sense." Fiva gasped in surprise. "Don't let my family know that! They'd disown me!" Tethrah welded the metal plates together, forming the hull of the third rocket. "I don't see why we need three, there are only two of us." Miha smiled sweetly. "The third... is for Icarin." "How nice of you, doing something for him even though he doesn't seem to like you." "Yeah, something nice..." The thought of Icarin being blown up echoed through her mind. Fiva and Chronn sat inside a restaurant, trying to think up a way to catch the Mastermind. Well, Chronn was trying to come up with an idea, Fiva was juggling utensils. He was already up to four spoons, two forks, and a knife. "I've got it! I realize who the mastermind is!" At that moment, Fiva was trying to juggle a plate. Hearing Chronn's exclamation, he forgot to catch the plate. "Who is it?!" As Chronn was about to answer, the plate smacked down on his head, knocking him out on the floor. "Hmm, I don't know of any 'Crash-oomph's that live in this town." NOW FOR A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS WHO WE KNOW!! Have you ever had glue stick to your hand? No longer will that be a problem with Anti-stick glue! Our patented anti-stick technology makes removing the glue a snap!This wonderful product brought to you by the Te3e Corporation, also known as T Corp. And remember, in England everyone likes 'T'!(My brother Te3e came up with this one!) Miha smiled, staring at the three missiles placed into launchers. "Good work Tethrah, now we can play astronauts!" The Toa of stone smiled, happy he was able to help. "No problem!" "Now," Miha began. "We fire the rockets off into space! And Cause enough Chaos to take over." Icarin watched Miha carefully, preparing himself to stop her from taking over the world. He knew she was going to fire the missiles, and he knew whatever she was planning, it wasn't good. As the Matoran's hand came close to the button, there was only one thing he could do. Icarin leap at the Matoran, knocking her over and preventing her from pressing the button. "I won't let you nuclear bomb the world! I saw you get the package from Junkyard, I know what you're planning!" "What are you talking about?!" Miha shouted, squirming herself free. "We're just playing astronauts!" "Is that so? Then how do you explain this!" Icarin tore open the metal plating of the rockets, revealing... nothing nuclear at all. "Wha-what?! But I saw you put it inside! Those things were nuclear!" "Why did you do that to our rockets!?" Tethrah shouted angrily. "We spent all day working on those!" "B-but, they-they nuclear... boom... rocket..." "Maybe we better take you back home, and get Dr. Zygad to look at you." Tethrah suggested, leading the Stunned Toa of ice away. Miha smiled to herself, walking around the tall tree and picking up the three lead boxes. "Yes, just playing astronauts indeed." But when she opened the lead boxes, inside were three metal fists. "Wait, what?" She read the side of the box. 'knucklear missiles'. "Aw man, this was sent to someone named Fiva!" Fiva grinned, taking aim with his Knucklear missiles. Chronn was going to be in for a surprise! An unexpected metal fist to the face should lighten the grouchy Toa's mood. Or so Fiva thought... BOOM! "AHHHHHHH!!!"


Edited by The Dark Chronicler, Oct 31 2011 - 08:00 AM.

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#11 Offline CHRIS PRATT

CHRIS PRATT
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Posted Apr 09 2012 - 08:23 PM

CCC Review time.Part 1 - Plot (6.5/10)The plot so far feels a little disjointed, though most of that I think is probably the two of you just writing chapters on your own and not consulting about what will happen in each chapter - so consult! :P However, I also feel like the main villain is being discovered too quickly. If you were to have her actually commit some real crimes successfully without anybody having any idea that it was her for a few chapters and then have them begin to slowly catch on, I feel like it might work better. However, I feel as if many segments are too similar to the show Phineas and Ferb- doing something to help seperate your comedy more from that show would help as well.Part 2 - Spelling & Grammar (8/10)The spelling and grammar of this comedy is pretty good. I didn't notice any real noteworthy mistakes, although some sentences could be extended and combined using commas.Part 3 - Characters (6.5/10)I have really enjoyed the characters Junkyard, Fiva and Chronn- the chemistry between Chronn and Fiva is great, although I do feel as if they could be fleshed out a little more. Junkyard is your typical cliche businessman, but it's well done here. However, the other characters feel sort of thrown together, without any real depth to them; they need to fleshed out a lot more.Overall - 6.5 + 8 + 6.5 = 21/30 (70%)For a partnership comedy you're doing pretty good; the chapters feel as if they could have more connections with each other, and some more jokes could be added (I only really laughed at the first squirrel section, and each of the advertisements). However, several characters are done really well and your spelling and grammar is superb. Keep it up!-ibrow
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