I've started reading this all from the beginning with some friends, so I'll keep you posted with any errors/points of confusion along the way. So far, up to the end of Book 1.
For reference, I'm using the Complete Collection, "Complete" edition, up to date as of December 21st 2018.
Book 1, Chapter 23 (page 104)
Everything from "Then it is settled" to "I think... that 'Charge!' is not a plan"
This section wasn't in the original Tale of the Toa and feels awkwardly placed, specifically with how it leads into the next section. I'm not sure where this section comes from, but the moment it builds to (the raid on the Nui-Jaga nest in the jungle) is never resolved and it just hard cuts to Pohatu's group recovering a mask from a lone Jaga in Po-Wahi. Also, since Kopaka both ends this section and starts the next one by telling Lewa that a plan is foolish, the boundary between the two sections is blurred. On a first read, it seems like the two sections just tell one continuous scene, but that doesn't make sense either.
I vote to cut the section entirely, unless there is an existing second half to that scene that got lost in the shuffle.
It comes from the Bionicle Style Guide (as do some other scenes in that section), and the idea was that those scenes could slot in well there, since it's a sort of montage of scenes of the Toa finding the rest of the masks. There was some debate a while back as to whether that specific scene was too confusing to the reader - if memory serves, the final decision was to keep it because it is referenced in '08. I can definitely see the cause for your confusion at the end of the scene, though: the scene break ended up lined up with a page break, making it unclear that there's been a scene transition. I will definitely add a hard break (the three asterisks, * * *) after the page break for clarity. Do you think this is enough to make it readable? If not, there is the possibility of removing it from the "Standard" versions and only having in the "Complete" ones.
If anyone would like to share their opinions on this, I'd appreciate it.
Should be "fling it against the wall" as the Manas is the one being flung and is always referred to as "it".
Using all of his strength, Wairuha managed to rip the Manas free and fling him against the wall.
Makes sense, I'll fix that.
Should be "I say to Puku." or, "I say to the crab." as Takua is clearly addressing Puku and not just speaking to himself.
“OK, girl,” I say to myself. “Let’s go!”
I'm inclined to leave this as-is (though if others disagree, please speak up!). The intent of the phrasing is to suggest that what Takua is saying to Puku doesn't really matter - he's just saying it anyway (like when people talk to their pets, even though they know their pets don't understand). Hence he's really just saying it to himself, not to Puku. The only issue with this is that, as we see later (in '03), Puku does seem to understand most, if not all, of what Takua says - but I think it's easy to just assume that in '01, Takua didn't know how well Ussals can understand Matoran language (or perhaps that Puku hadn't learned to understand him that well yet).
Should be "but notices that Matau is trapped inside it" or "but notices Matau trapped inside it"
Takua barely manages to avoid falling into the nest, but notices that Matau trapped inside it with the Kewa chicks.
That makes sense, I'll fix it.
Hey, TuragaNuva, I think it was discussed in a bit more detail early on, but I've been thinking about taking a look at Vrahno's translation of the Hungarian Tale of the Toa and altering some of the details to make a canon-compliant version of it. There are a lot of cool details and scenes in it that I like, but the translation is a little rough (with random changes in tense, repeated treespeak instances and Out of Character exclamations) that I'd need to neaten up, not to mention incorrect weapon and mask details being mentioned.
If I made this translation, would you consider adding it to Biological Chronicle - or should I make a copy of my own and throw the comics in?
I'd probably want to see it before making a firm decision either way, but I'm inclined to say I wouldn't include it. It's not the work as it was meant to be seen. If I did include it, it would probably be in a separate version of Book 1.
EDIT 2/14/19: Made some fixes to Book 1 based on feedback from Chip and the folks at the Beaverhouse. Details:
- Fixed a passage that had been changed in the first chapter of Book 1 (right after "Near it he saw several components lying in the sand"): in the original text, Tahu finds his sword in two pieces, but the compilation text had been modified to say it was just one piece (Toatapio, did you do this? I don't remember making this change). The passage now reads: "Two turned out to be blades, shaped into the form of leaping red flames. They fitted together into a sword, the handle sitting comfortably in his clawed hand."
- Added a hard break (* * *) after the passage ending with "I think... that 'Charge!' is not a plan" to improve readability (as discussed above). If people think I should do more changes here, let me know!
Changed "him" to "it" in the line "Using all of his strength, Wairuha managed to rip the Manas free and fling him against the wall."
Removed "that" from "Takua barely manages to avoid falling into the nest, but notices that Matau trapped inside it with the Kewa chicks."
That's it for now. Should be some updates to Book 3 soon, though.
EDIT 2/20/19: Those Book 3 updates I mentioned have now been added! Details:
- There is now a written version of the 2003 flash game "The Legend Continues" (made to promote the Mask of Light movie) included in the Complete version of Book 3
- "I emerged in Onu-Koro and made my way here. - added missing quote mark at end of sentence
- "the Manas saw the molten lava closing in on upon them" - removed extra "on"
- "Another steep cliff side still lay between him and the top of the volcano!" - removed space in "cliffside"
- "'J-Jaller?' he called, racing forward. 'JALLER! Oof -'" - dash following "oof" was getting pushed to new line, which looked weird. I moved the "oof" to the next line with it, which looks cleaner
- Fixed a typo in one of the last comic pages (in issue 15, the "epilogue): Vakama says "And so, here was" instead of "And so, there was" - this is now fixed
FOLLOW-UP 2/20/19 EDIT: Just made one more Book 3 fix! There were a few places in MNOGII where "Koro" was capitalized, even though it wasn't being used as part of a village's name. I've changed those 3 instances to lower-case.