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With The Enemy

A Love Story

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1 reply to this topic

#1 Offline Pegason Fletcher

Pegason Fletcher
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Posted Dec 28 2011 - 03:08 AM

Janus 31st, Year 2198 of the Dynasty of GarakkIt was the general routine every day. Wake up. Get ready. Go to wait for the bus. Go to work. Go home. Go to bed, alone. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.Day after day, after day, after... Well, you get the idea.This day at the bus stop was differant though, because I, for once, was not alone.There was a Toa of Lightning there as well, who was probably the most beautiful Toa of Lightning I've ever seen, and thats saying something. She had A Dull Yellow Kaukau for a mask, which had long gold cables coming out the back, which was laid out across her shoulders and Black Trenchcoat."Where are you headed?" I asked, uncertain whether I should have kept my mouth shut, or if I was right to talk to her."The HQ of the Galactic Embassy." She replied. I wonder if she was thinking the same things as I was."No way! That's where I'm going!" I wasn't being watched. I could act less serious, if just for this one time.She smiled at me. It was as beautiful as a thousand sunsets.I was about to say something else to her, when the bus pulled up.Figures that when I need it to be slow, it gets here on time.We didn't talk to each other on the bus, but I was able to catch up with her when we got off."I'm Narnokk." I said to her."Aleni." was her reply.All day long, I only thought of her, and wondered if I would see her again. I knew for a job like mine, I can't let Love get in the way, but Mata Nui help me, I'm falling in love.It was just about noon when all Karzahni broke loose. Explosions were going off all over the place, and my only thought was to find Aleni and make sure she was safe.I ran through several corridors, dodging both debris and coworkers, until I saw here. A large protodermis beam fell on her.Oh Mata Nui, she could be hurt, or worse...I quickly lifted the beam off of her, and checked her for a pulse. Arthaka bepraised, she's still okay.Her eyes slowly flickered open, and, unless I was mistaken, there was a small smile on her face."You came for me." She said, with a bit of pain in her voice."Of course I did. Did you think I wouldn't?" I asked her."Freeze! Consorting with the enemy, eh, Narnokk? I thought you were better than that." I headAccidentially clicked post. Sorry bout that. Will edit later today.
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#2 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Dec 28 2011 - 02:32 PM

I suppose I should wait for the rest of the story before reviewing, but for now...Okay, I hate to sound a bit negative, but this story needs work. The first thing I have to gripe about is the lack of backstory. I even looked through your old topics, but there is no already posted epic that this joins into. Who is Garakk? What's the galactic embassy? Questions like that spring up, and are left unanswered. putting some history, whether in the story or outside it, in would make this better.Even in the story, things seem, well, disjoined, singular, and a bit rushed. Some experiences of this character before Karzahni broke loose might be good, as well as a little more description as to why all Karzahni broke loose, and what the guy's reaction to it was, aside from rushing to find the toa he had met.The story also seems to be made too much of one liners, almost like some of my earlier stories...

It was the general routine every day. Wake up. Get ready. Go to wait for the bus. Go to work. Go home. Go to bed, alone. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.Day after day, after day, after... Well, you get the idea.

"It was the general routine every day. Wake up. Get ready. Go to wait for the bus. Go to work. Go home. Go to bed, alone. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Day after day, after day, after... Well, you get the idea."I think that looks a little better.

She had A Dull Yellow Kaukau for a mask, which had long gold cables coming out the back, which was laid out across her shoulders and Black Trenchcoat.

The second 'which' looks a bit repetitive, and the 'was' should be 'were'.

The HQ of the Galactic Embassy." She replied. I wonder if she was thinking the same things as I was.

You did this several times throughout, but the period should be a comma.

All day long, I only thought of her, and wondered if I would see her again. I knew for a job like mine, I can't let Love get in the way, but Mata Nui help me, I'm falling in love.

Perhaps some insight as to what his job is would be good here?

I ran through several corridors, dodging both debris and coworkers, until I saw here. A large protodermis beam fell on her.

*her*beam had fallen

Arthaka bepraised, she's still okay.

*be praised---Yes, stick to my first statement. Aside from needing to be finished, this story could do with some makeover. If this is your first story, than good job with it. :)Zarayna

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