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With The EnemyA Love Story
Posted Dec 28 2011 - 03:08 AM
Posted Dec 28 2011 - 02:32 PM
"It was the general routine every day. Wake up. Get ready. Go to wait for the bus. Go to work. Go home. Go to bed, alone. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Day after day, after day, after... Well, you get the idea."I think that looks a little better.
It was the general routine every day. Wake up. Get ready. Go to wait for the bus. Go to work. Go home. Go to bed, alone. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.Day after day, after day, after... Well, you get the idea.
The second 'which' looks a bit repetitive, and the 'was' should be 'were'.
She had A Dull Yellow Kaukau for a mask, which had long gold cables coming out the back, which was laid out across her shoulders and Black Trenchcoat.
You did this several times throughout, but the period should be a comma.
The HQ of the Galactic Embassy." She replied. I wonder if she was thinking the same things as I was.
Perhaps some insight as to what his job is would be good here?
All day long, I only thought of her, and wondered if I would see her again. I knew for a job like mine, I can't let Love get in the way, but Mata Nui help me, I'm falling in love.
*her*beam had fallen
I ran through several corridors, dodging both debris and coworkers, until I saw here. A large protodermis beam fell on her.
*be praised---Yes, stick to my first statement. Aside from needing to be finished, this story could do with some makeover. If this is your first story, than good job with it. Zarayna
Arthaka bepraised, she's still okay.
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