Jump to content
Ironfist

A Heist Gone Wrong

Recommended Posts

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING WAS WRITTEN WITH ZERO REGARD FOR CANON AND/OR CONTINUITY.  READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

 

Ko-Metru Knowledge Tower 0512: Exterior.  2100 Hours.

“command unit T-1M identified//transmit query: situation assessment”

     Vahki Enforcer T-0M approached his squad leader, Vahki Commander T-1M.  Having arrived at the scene late, he understandably had no clue what was going on.

     Vahki Commander T-1M shrugged his Vahki equivalent of shoulders.  “enforcer unit T-0M identified//transmit response: five Matoran attempted to steal valuable information from Knowledge Tower 0512//current status = trapped within interior vault”  He allowed his subordinate to process the data before following up with, “transmit query: observe five Matoran on security cameras”

     “transmit response: affirmative”

 

Ko-Metru Knowledge Tower 0512: Interior Vault.  2100 Hours.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH” screamed Onepu.

     He was freaking out.  Somehow, he and his team had gotten themselves stuck inside the vault that they had been trying to pillage.  And now there seemed to be no way out of here without relying on the Vahki to let them out, whereupon they’d immediately be arrested and/or executed.  He had good reason to freak out; his otherwise perfect heist plan was crumbling apart faster by the second.

     Personally, he blamed Ahkmou for not keeping the vault door open.

     Speaking of Ahkmou, there he was, just lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling, not bothering to help reverse the situation.  That was what Tehutti was doing.  Poor sucker; he really thought punching the door repeatedly would actually open it?  And there was Kazi, just sitting in the corner, crying.

     “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH” screamed Onepu again.

     “Hey!” a voice piped up.  “Shut up.  I’m trying to figure out a plan to get out of here.  Unless you’d rather us just stay here and starve.”

     Vhisola’s voice was enough to silence Onepu’s screams and reduce Kazi’s crying to mere sobs.  Onepu really appreciated having Vhisola around for this heist; she could really serve as the voice of reason when the crew needed it.

 

Ko-Metru Knowledge Tower 0512: Security Room.  2100 Hours.

“transmit emotion: humor”

     “transmit emotion: humor//transmit action: laughter”

     “action acknowledged//transmit action: laughter”

 

Ko-Metru Knowledge Tower 0512: Interior Vault.  2100 Hours.

“OK, Vhisola,” Onepu said, now a bit calmer.  “You do that.  Keep trying to get us out of here.”

     Vhisola nodded acknowledgement before returning to her notepad, which she scribbled on with red marker.

     Tehutti stopped punching the door for a few minutes to rub his knuckles that, miraculously, weren’t broken.  “What if… we punched the door harder?” he suggested.

     “No,” Onepu said.

     “What if… we knock on the door and surrender, and the Vahki let us off with a warning?” Ahkmou suggested, in his trademark lazy, uninterested voice.

     “Are you kidding?  No!” Onepu said.  “We’ve come too far to just give up.”

     “Guys, what’s the point?” Kazi said through his crying.  “Onepu’s just going to come up with a plan of his own and insist that we do that.”

     Onepu approached Kazi.  “No, don’t say that.  That’s not true.  I’m a nice guy; I’m open to suggestions!”

     “I have an idea!” Tehutti piped up.

     “No you don’t,” Onepu said.

     “Aw.”

     Onepu rubbed the back of his neck.  “… OK, you got me there.  But I promise, this plan’s going to work!”

     “That’s what you said about this one!” Kazi opined.

     “Yeah, but this time, it’s true,” Onepu replied.  “Here’s the plan:

     “I take off my jacket to show off my incredible arms.  Then, I find a vent in the ceiling and use my incredible jumping ability to break through.  My athletic yet slender build will help me slip through the vents, where I find a grate that leads outside the vault.  I wait until the guard isn’t looking, then break through the grate, sneak up behind him, and choke him out!”

     This last bit was met with a raised eyebrow from everyone.  Onepu blushed.

     “OK… I Taser him.”

     “That’s better,” Vhisola said.

     Onepu continued.  “After he’s down, I rush over to the vault door, attach my hacking device to the lock, and let technology take care of the rest.  It’s foolproof!”

     “I don’t know,” Kazi said.  “Personally, I wanna see what kind of plan Vhisola comes up with.”

     Onepu looked over at Vhisola, who was now scribbling something intricate and, quite frankly, impossible-looking, on the walls with her red marker, mumbling all the while.

     “Carry the three… account for terminal velocity… where does the macaroni fit in?...”

     “Do you really want to wait that long?” Onepu asked.

     “… No,” Kazi admitted.

     “Good.  Then it’s settled.  We’re doing my plan.”

     Onepu took off his jacket and flexed his arms, which weren’t as incredible as he had originally made them out to be.  He searched the ceiling for a vent of some sort; his eyes lit up as he found one a distance away.  He stepped back and began to run, past Tehutti (who was doing squats with the sacks of Knowledge Crystals on his shoulders), and jumped, reaching up to grab the vent’s frame…

     He missed by a good ten feet.

     He tried again, and missed again, this time by only nine-and-a-half feet.

     Now he reduced himself to just jumping under the vent, scrambling to reach the vent’s frame.  He looked rather undignified.  After a minute of trying unsuccessfully, he turned to Tehutti.  “Give me a boost?”

     Tehutti complied, dropping down on his hands and toes under the vent, straightening his spine to give Onepu a solid footing.  Onepu nodded thanks, and clambered on…

     And then Tehutti started doing push-ups.

     Onepu’s footing suddenly became much less solid, and he struggled to maintain his balance.

     Ahkmou, in the meantime, had grown tired of being stuck in a vault with these clowns.  He wanted to get out of here, and he knew exactly the way to do it.  Getting up from his spot on the floor, he went over to the door of the vault and knocked loudly three times.  The vault door opened, to reveal Vahki Officer B-0B standing there, looming over the small Po-Matoran.  Without flinching, Ahkmou pointed at the others.

     “They did it,” he said flatly.

     Vahki Officer B-0B followed Ahkmou’s finger to view the scene: Onepu standing on top of Tehutti, struggling to maintain his footing as his footstool continued to do push-ups; Vhisola now scribbling on another wall with red marker, and Kazi still sobbing in the corner.

     Vahki Officer B-0B returned his gaze to Ahkmou.  “transmit response: gratitude”  He then procured a large, burlap sack of widgets and deposited it into Ahkmou’s arms.  He then gestured to his compatriots.  “enforcer unit J-3F identified//enforcer unit C-4L identified//transmit command: detain four Matoran”  He and his companions entered the vault, advancing on the bungling member of the crew, their staffs ready.

     Ahkmou smirked, and walked scot-free out of the vault, out of the Knowledge Tower, and back home.

 

Ga-Metru Abandoned Docks: Storehouse.  1830 Hours.

“And that’s what would happen if we tried to rob a Knowledge Tower.”

     The five Matoran- Onepu, Vhisola, Tehutti, Kazi, and Ahkmou- were gathered within the abandoned storehouse.  Couches and chairs had been brought in, as well as a large chalkboard and coffee table.  Vhisola was standing, pointing to the chalkboard, upon which was drawn an elaborate diagram.

     Her statement was met with mixed reactions.  Onepu creased his forehead, Kazi shook his head, Tehutti nodded slightly while focusing on his dumbbell, and Ahkmou didn’t look up from his comic book.

     “You guys still want to do this?” Vhisola asked.

     Ahkmou looked up; a smile was on his face.

     “Yes.”

 

CREATOR'S NOTES:

So, I did a thing.  And that thing was enrolling in the BZPower Fanfic Exchange.  I got paired up with Pahrak #0579, and among his requests were light-hearted stories, Matoran pulling a heist, and Onepu.  The above is the rather silly result.

 

As always, comments and criticisms are welcome.

Happy Crimmas, Pahrak.

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ha, very nice. I will admit, I thought the whole time the tone seems too lighthearted for a short story, and it all made sense when I got to the end and it was all a story-within-a-story.

 

My primary complaint is the clearly non-canon bits, the inclusion of Kazi and Onepu's reference to wearing a jacket. I'm fine with canon being disregarded when it's for a narrative purpose, but Kazi doesn't really do anything that struck me as something only he could do. He could have been replaced with a Matoran from Metru Nui and it would have worked just as well. Same thing with the jacket; that single reference could have been removed without sacrificing the story quality. Additionally, I found the Vahki's robot-talk to be distractingly hard to read. Vahki thoughts are written in the official Adventures books, and they're still robotic-sounding but not difficult to understand. And, although the story is already quite short, the Vahki bits could have been removed and replaced with just opening narration that the group is stuck in the vault and the Vahki are waiting outside for them.

 

Ultimately, I like the concept and overall plotline more than the actual execution. With a little polishing, this could work as a genuinely tense, high-stakes heist story, which would just make the reveal at the end funnier and more gratifying in my opinion.

Edited by Master Inika
  • Upvote 1

"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
"
-- Turaga Nokama

nichijou2.jpg

Click here to visit my library!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is pure gold.

 

I love the way each of the Matoran are presented, how dysfunctional their team is, how utterly terrible at this they are, and my gosh the Vahki—it took me a while to realize the meaning behind their unit numbers, but even before that I was dying at “transmit emotion: humor//transmit action: laughter”.

 

This is the perfect gift, I cannot thank you enough!

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I love the way each of the Matoran are presented, how dysfunctional their team is, how utterly terrible at this they are, and my gosh the Vahki—it took me a while to realize the meaning behind their unit numbers, but even before that I was dying at “transmit emotion: humor//transmit action: laughter”.

OHHH. The unit numbers totally went over my head until I read your comment. I had to go back and read them again. Edited by Master Inika

"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer.
"
-- Turaga Nokama

nichijou2.jpg

Click here to visit my library!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...